I’m pretty sure we’re acting wisely and consistently when we respond to our three year old. Although she can obediently change her request/demand on cue, she still regularly starts off with a whine or scream.

I don’t know if I’m quite able to keep track of amount of whining, but I think I’m going to try. That way I’ll be able to tell objectively if there’s improvement.

We’ll see. (Other factors: all kids are still a little more emotional from the move, all the kids seemed to have a spike in whining at this age)

And… it is true that I have debated about whether to make our children correct how they ask for something, and then give it to them, or not allow them to have what they’ve asked for, period. I think age makes a difference, as does the amount of teaching that a child has. I do know that I’ve done more of the second approach lately, in an effort to get the right action the first try.

Perhaps I need to remind myself not to be weary in well doing.

And let us not grow weary while doing good,
for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9

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She mentioned that she probably wouldn’t have offered, except she knew I have asked prayer about it, so she knew I probably wouldn’t be offended. This is the second or third time someone has poked a bit into my life as a direct result of my willingness to ask for prayer about a sin I was struggling with. It was encouraging to be reminded that asking for prayer is a really important part of how the local church body works together.

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16

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Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

²⁰For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

It’s one I tell my children often, particularly the “slow to wrath” part.  It seems sometimes that my children are often quick to anger, particularly with each other. I want them to learn to be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

But today I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about me, particularly in how I respond when they are telling me about some event or occasion. Typically, when they finish, I’m immediately evaluating and talking about what happened, good or bad. I’ll tell them what they should have done, what they did right, what they could do next time.I am, sometimes, a little intense.

I am wondering, however, whether I should not pay attention to this verse a little more: quick to hear, slow to speak. I’m not angry during moments like these, so maybe I need to meditate on another be quiet verse (there are a number of them). In any case, I’ve been wondering whether a quiet child’s willingness to confide in a parent might not be squelched by the knowledge of an immediate lecture or reaction. I think so.

This is why I’ve been attempting to just listen. If correction needs to be made, I can do it at a later time.

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My son, eat honey because it is good,
And the honeycomb which is sweet to your taste;
¹⁴ So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul; Proverbs 24:13-14

I’ve been wanting to find a new verse for them to memorize, but I’ve not found one I like. Then I found this one:

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

That’s the one we’ve been saying the last few days. I’ve been pointing out when I hear pleasant words. I’ve given them examples at breakfast when we talk. I’m getting to where I love the analogy of good things and honey/candy. I want them to know the eternal things that are truly delightful and satisfying. The next passage with honey is in Psalm 19– God’s Word is sweeter than honey.

Today we had candy and pleasant words. We’ve also had whining and complaining. I’m thinking (since this is Wednesday) that I need to have pleasant words too. Sometimes I correct more than I praise. I want them to know how much joy I have when they choose to do right.

I cuddled Bethel this morning and told her, My daughter, when your heart is wise, my heart also shall rejoice.

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One of my burdens at our new church is that I be teachable and humble. I have been praying that I would be teachable. And I’ve been working at keeping my mouth closed during discussion times at the Ladies Bible Study (and trying to articulate criteria for speaking up when it’s appropriate). Having something to say isn’t always a good reason for saying it, I’m learning.

Part of the problem is that I have more of a difficulty doing what I already know to be right, instead of simply knowing what to do. I’ve always seen mentorship as primarily for those who need the latter, not the former. Another part of the problem is that I’m not a good question maker. When I’m with someone that I know is a godly older woman, I don’t know what to ask.

Today I had some ideas. I think maybe God is answering my prayer for wisdom in this area and teaching me some things about humility.

• I need to express a desire to know the older women better and learn from them. “I’d like to get to know you and learn from you.”
• I need to ask for prayer for the things I need. I don’t have all my ducks in a row, and there are areas of my life where I need much wisdom. I may not need another woman telling me what to do each step of the way, but I do need prayer. I’ve been thankful in the past for older women who have prayed for me. I just need to ask for it again.
• I need to specifically indicate that I am willing to be corrected or questioned in what I’m doing. I’ve noticed that older women don’t often poke and prod (and I know it’s not because I’m doing everything right). What I suspect is that older women realize that unless a person is willing to change, then change doesn’t happen well. Expressing a willingness to be corrected might be a good thing.

I’ve been thinking through questions I’ve learned aren’t particularly helpful for mentors.

• What did you do that all your children turned out so well? I’ve never gotten a good answer from this question. I think because it puts the emphasis on “supermom,” something a humble woman is uncomfortable with. She’s not likely to tell you a single secret that you don’t already know.
• How do I get my baby to sleep through the night? Actually, you can ask this one, but there’s a difference between practical advice and spiritual wisdom [i.e., applying God's Word to life].  It’s great to be able to ask someone practical helpful questions (that might in fact, save our sanity at times!), but that’s not necessarily wisdom.
• Tell me what to do in this situation? Trouble is, if she’s wise, she may not answer your question, unless it’s pretty obvious in Scripture. A wise response isn’t something someone can “give” you, because God doesn’t give us grace for other people’s problems. Better to ask what Scriptures might apply in a particular situation, or what Scripture she found helpful in similar situations. Then you make the decision.

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David and Bethel sit together in the back. By and large, they get along well, and they tend to resolve their conflict when they are irritated with each other.

Lately, though, they’ve developed this entertainment that is basically poking each other until somebody is unhappy and yells stoppit. It’s not one child tormenting the other. Both children do their share of poking, and they both know how to push their sibling to the end of their tolerance levels. It is distracting and unpleasant behavior, and even though they claim the poking is fun, it really isn’t. Moreover, I really don’t want to develop wrestling habits between my son and daughter.

I’ve been trying to decide how to handle this. Should I separate these two? Start handing out consequences for wrestling and teasing? How do I prevent them from forming habits of behavior that may cause them grief later on? These are good questions, but I see now that they were focused on finding a solution, not motives and contributing factors.

Lee noticed first that the problem seemed to be boredom; so he suggested that I read to the children when we’re all in the car. As we suspected, the children are much better behaved when they are listening to a story. That works well when we’re all together.

I can’t read and drive at the same time, though. I’ve been trying to pay better attention to when they’re disruptive in the car, and how I can respond by giving their minds something to do.

I’ve noticed that when I take the time to engage in conversation with them, they are better behaved. I’ve been consciously getting them to sing with me. Playing common travel games works too, anything that makes them think. I want to help them understand why they are happier when they’re not bored. We’ll see how they do.Similar Posts:

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• After eating, “Are you satisfied?”  [as opposed to, "Are you full?" I want our children to know that being satisfied is better than being full. I am wondering whether filling them up is somewhat akin to encouraging gluttony. I dunno.]
• After church, “What did you learn?” [as opposed to, "Did you have fun in church?" Again, I'm wondering whether I'm communicating my primary expectation that Sunday school was a success if children had fun. I don't think that's the most important thing, so I want my questions to reflect my priorities.]
• After spending time with friends, “Are they godly friends?” [followups: Are they kind to the little children? Do they obey the teacher? Do they obey their mom? Are they wise? Truthfully, my children don’t know the answers to these questions, but I want them in the habit of remembering criteria for choosing good friends. There will come a day when they can answer those questions.
• After a sports practice: “Were you teachable? Were you humble?” David always answers yes. But again, I want to teach him my priority in athletics. We spent quite a bit of time talking today about competition, and how an athlete can try to be the best, and still be humble.
• Lately, after something really exciting or fun that has happened, “Would Solomon say that wisdom is better than X?” We’re talking a lot about how knowing God, and finding wisdom is better than anything else we could desire. The children all know the right answer by now…. Praying that they’ll believe it.

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That’s partly because of discussions we have had about things we do that are family rules, and things we do that are God’s rules. When they have their own household, they’ll develop their own family culture. Cultural rules are flexible among families, and sometimes good families disagree. Like… children at our house can play in the rain. Other children aren’t allowed to do that. Children at our house must eat vegetables before fruit. Our children might choose to eat fruit first when they have children of their own.

Not all the rules she’s talking about are harmless like the timing of dessert. Sometimes they’re things we do that have complicated reasons. And sometimes I just have not taken the time to explain the reasons well. What I don’t want is her to grow up 1)afraid to talk about those differences of opinion 2) not knowing why we do what we do, especially when good reasons exist, and 3) unconvinced when biblical principles are clear in view (Yes, I am aware of my fallibility.)

I’ve been thinking on this. I need to be thinking about it through the lens of Scripture, so that means I need to think about what Scriptures might apply here. Maybe later I’ll write about it.Similar Posts:

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On Saturday night after bathtime, I realized that the thirty seconds between getting out of the bath and getting pajamas on is often marked by whining. In a fit of inspiration, I wondered whether getting the girls singing before they got out would keep their minds happy during that period. I gave it a try.

Worked well. Tried it during another transition and failed miserably. Maybe I started the singing too close to the transition. There’s something to this, so I’m not giving up just yet. I remember that my mom started us singing in the car when we were young– she told me later it made good sense, because singing children don’t fight. (Well, sometimes we did, but still.) I’ll keep you posted.

This strategy is part of the realization that bringing every thought into captivity takes deliberate steps and hard work. I want to teach the skill to my children. If you hear me singing like a lunatic as I look for the best price on peanut butter at the grocery store, you’ll know why.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. ⁴ For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, ⁵ casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, ⁶ and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:3

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When I asked her what her problem was, she said “Well, all I can think about is Playmobil”

I smiled. Bethel has and enjoys very much a horse stable and animal clinic that is made by Playmobil. We picked up a catalog at a store and Bethel has since studied every page. She’s already planning birthday and Christmas presents for the next three years.

Her comment floored me. A lot of grown ups don’t recognize that their thinking is causing a problem. Bethel wasn’t really sure what the problem was, but it bothered her that she couldn’t think about anything else. I stopped chopping and sat down with her (dinner can wait). Talking about thinking is important!

I asked her if part of the problem was that she was not content with what she had, and was coveting what she didn’t have. I explained that it’s not wrong to desire what we don’t have, until that desire causes us to be unhappy with what God has already given us. [we're defining terms here-- primarily contentment] She said she thought it was a problem.

So I tried to explain how replacing bad thoughts with good thoughts works. It didn’t go as well as I wanted, because I normally illustrate the put off/ put on principle by giving someone a strong mental image (usually a purple elephant with a spotted monkey riding on its back, or some variation) and challenge them to stop thinking about it, all the while repeating what they are not supposed to think about.

But Bethel couldn’t figure what I was trying to do. She got confused. So I finally explained that God wants us to think about good things instead of things that cause us to sin. We sang a little bit of Philippians 4:8. I told her that mommy changes her thinking by preaching to herself: “Self, think about something else.” I told her that this is one reason I like to cook– it takes a great deal of concentration. I needed to get back to dinner before it burnt, so I asked her to come help me. I put her to work stirring a roux, and showed her how to keep it from burning, and then how to keep it from lumping once the milk is put in. I asked here if she was having a hard time thinking about Playmobil still, while she was thinking about cooking. She wasn’t sure.

So I suggested that she go and make a stable for the stable animals that she already owns. That way she could think about being happy with what God has given her (and the creative task takes up a good deal of mental energy for Bethel). She did, and soon every few minutes I’d hear her say, “Self, stop thinking about Playmobil. You can think about Playmobil tomorrow.” It tickled me to no end hearing her recognize how often her thoughts were getting out of control. After awhile, she commented that it was hard work thinking right.

That’s true. In retrospect… I didn’t talk about her thoughts as sinful.Were they? Or was it simply the discontent and out of control desires [i.e., lusts]? We didn’t talk about the gospel– that in our own power, thinking right is impossible to sustain for long periods of time. Our tendency is to worry, fret, and want what we haven’t been given. There is also much we could have talked about– how God gave us music to help us think right. I’m sure this conversation will continue on to another day.

This opportunity to teach was a gift from God, and I’m praying for more opportunities to see into the workings of how my children think.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. ⁹ The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9

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