A Savage Hypocrisy

A Worker's Gambit

2012-02-19T06:53:00.001+08:00

So, the Worker's Party (WP) just expelled Yaw Shin Leong, their MP for Hougang SMC. This has serious implications: an MP cannot be an MP if they are expelled from the party they stood for elections for.

This means that the a parlimentary seat is now empty. Hougang is set for a by-election.

Bravo, WP, bravo.

It is a huge gamble they are taking here. Low Thia Kiang, my hat goes off to you, good sir.

Yaw merely refused to entertain accusations that he was having an affair. The issue of whether he did have the affair is still ambiguious, and the last time I checked, MPs are elected for their ability to carry out their jobs, not their personal lives.

Bill Clinton didn't almost get impeached for having an affair, he got so for perjury.

WP has ample reason to keep Yaw. They can defend him, and state the argument that I just raised. It is definitely within their means to do so.

But Low has foresight. The public image of Yaw is forever tainted, regardless of whether he had the affair or not. If they keep Yaw now, they might have trouble keeping Hougang in the next General Election.

So, they sacked Yaw, but in the process, left Hougang to wolves.

This can swing either way. On one hand, the WP can emerge from the scandal stronger. They can retain the constituency, and show the people that they do not tolerate moral ambiguity; that they are confident of their popularity; and they can ensure that accusations of Yaw do not mar the image of the WP.

One the other hand, a decades old opposition stronghold can be lost to the PAP.

It is a bold gambit the Worker is taking here. The WP can remain comfortable without sacrifice, and still maintain their present position. But Low chose to test fate in hopes of bigger gain.

WP, I've been to your headquarters before. I've talked to your people. Their passion burns bright, and their dedication stands without equal.

I wish you luck.

The Losers is a crappy movie

2010-05-18T00:54:00.001+08:00

Butchered beyond recognition by whatever dipshit director directed it, The Losers is one of the worst comic book to movie adaptations ever.

There are good comic book adaptations like Batman or Iron Man, where although significant aspects of the original stories were changed, the essence and spirit of the comic book were retained. And then, there are utter travesties like The Losers. Nothing significant was changed, but story just lost it's mojo.

It's like taking a shit except that you don't take a shit. You just sit there and wipe your ass and then walk out of the theatre feeling extremely constipated.

Yes, it was that bad. The Losers was supposed to be a dark commentary about America's shady hand in world affairs in the post cold war world. It was also a tragedy where almost everybody dies in the end.

The Losers would have been a good movie, had Hollywood's money-minded hand not dicked around with it. Under the watchful eyes of some seasoned shitbags, the movie became a watered-down, family friendly and politically correct shadow of it's comic book self.

Let me give you a glimpse into the mind of a monkey behind the typewriter:

"Iron Man was a succesful movie"
"Oh yes it is! It's because of the charisma of leading man, Robert Downey Junior"
"Jeffery Dean Morgan looks like Robert Downey junior"
"Oh yes! We shall cast Jeffery Dean Morgan as the main protaganist!"
"I shat a banana!"

That seems perfectly fine, except that the main protagonist was a man or around 35, as opposed to Jeffery Dean Morgan, who is 80. And he and pretty much everybody else were stoic men who did not once smile in the comic book. That is as opposed to the their movie counterparts who chortled around like a bunch of fuck-asses.

The same goes for the antagonist, a faceless man of exotic ethnicity veiled in a shroud of secrecy. The movie, however, showed him to be a boring assed Caucasian guy with a whiny nasal twine in the very first scene he appeared in.

In the comics, The Losers were cool people who accomplished some amazing black-ops feats and were called The Losers because they had nothing to lose. But in the movie, they were know by that name because they were losers. They went on failed mission after failed mission and by the end of the movie, nothing was resolved.

They literally got nowhere. Back to square one with the only consolation as "seeing that Max dude's face", they still had the time and stupidity to attend some little league soccer game. Yes, that was how the movie ended, a bunch of hardened soldiers happily horsing around at a little league soccer game, completely forgetting that they failed their mission, accomplished nothing, their lives are in danger, their very presence at the game endangers their loved ones and the trivial fact that the world is in danger too.

I know they want to leave room for a sequel. But God fucking damn it.

Orwell FTW

2010-03-13T19:08:00.003+08:00

Today, I achieved Nirvana. MLIA

2010-01-28T21:43:00.004+08:00

First of all, let me apologise for updating. I seriously did not mean to. But I did something totally awesome today.

I entered an altered state all by myself. I experienced rapid eye movement (REM) while I was conscious. I know you are too damn busy to click on the Wikipedia link, so I shall save you the trouble by telling you that REM is a state of deep sleep where dreams mostly occur. During REM, one's eyes will also, move rapidly.

I tripped heavy balls and hallucinated lots of awesome shit. Furthermore, I was also able to will myself to drift in and out of this hallucination at will for a couple of times.

In a way, I literally got high on life. That is all.

Don't bother coming back for at least a month. I'm an obsessive person with an addictive personality. All my resources and energy during the past two months were concentrated on my motorcycle (which I have yet to acquire and hence the obsession).

Now, some of them would be diverted into me reentering this Nirvana again. It's seriously fucking awesome. At one point, I felt one with the furniture in my room. You should try it too.

This was actually the third I entered this state, but the first time where everything was so vivid. The first two times I had it, I just brushed them aside.

From my experiences, I have noticed a pattern:

All three times, I did not have proper sleep the previous night.

I was also doing some strenuous physical activity in the preceding twelve hours.

I was lying on my back on my bed without a pillow

The light was on.

My computer was on too. It's a loud computer with the heavy droning. I did some research (Google) and this supposedly helps with hallucinations.

For today's episode, I had a heavy meal before it. Heavy meals before sleeping induces nightmares, so this might be relevant.

If you recreate the above scenario. you might just experience what I experienced. That is what I'm planning to do.

Oh, and there was no Wikipedia link. I was too damn lazy to put it in.

R.I.P. Samak.

2009-12-02T23:04:00.005+08:00

1935-2009, celebrating 74 years of culinary excellence.

Farewell Samak Sundaravej, former Thai Prime Minister. The only world leader ever to be kicked out of office for having a cooking show.

Travesty: Disney buys Marvel.

2009-09-02T23:53:00.004+08:00

The fuckery of fuckeries has finally hit us. Marvel got seduced into the dark side by corporate whore, Disney.

That's right. Disney bought Marvel. The producers of cheap crap such as Kevin Jonas, Joe Jonas and Nick Jonas are taking over all our beloved comic book characters. Badass people like Wolverine, Thor and Hulk will soon be under the Jew-hating Disney umbrella.

Marvel on Ice! Coming soon to a Disneyland near you!

This unfathomable move, which is scorned by millions and in the far future, will forever be know as "The Great Tragedy of 2009", is largely motivated by wanton corporate greed:

"If it works out, Marvel's chief executive, Isaac "Ike" Perlmutter, 66, will pocket a hefty payday. He snatched Marvel assets out of bankruptcy in 1998, in a deal that valued the company at around $450 million including debt, outmaneuvering investors Carl Icahn and Ronald Perelman. His 37 percent stake in Marvel is now worth about $1.5 billion."

Ike Perlmutter, you whore, you just sold out your very soul.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

2009-08-30T00:31:00.002+08:00

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.

Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned with a contact-high. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Fuck you, world.

2009-08-23T22:59:00.001+08:00

Our society stands at the dawn of annihilation. Our streets run wild with dilapidated filth; we are the corrupted spawn of a rotten breed. We suck in the ether of our perceived virtues; we get drunk on the pungent excrement of modern royalties.

Our minds, they wander, but our bodies remain in chains. We are zombies kept in cages. Dosed with opiate and kept in bondage, we are perpetual slaves to the corporate whores.

We scream for emancipation; we pound our fists against the doors of freedom. Our churches and politicians, they promise us salvation. But like forked-tongued serpents, they deliver nothing. Petty vermin one and all.

The Heavens, they ignore us; the passersby, he pretends not to see. Our dire plight remains unseen to all except us. Drenched in filth, we are orphaned and neglected. We have no future, knee-deep in our own shit, we can do nothing but usher in the inevitable.

The world is a sad place and I am Rorschach.

"Anybody wanna hear my batman voice?"

Fuck you, world.

5 types of people to block on twitter.

2009-08-10T18:28:00.005+08:00

Translation: I have no friends, my girlfriend is a toaster.

They are scourge of the Twitterverse and are numerous in number. They lurk behind glowing computer screens in dimly lit dungeons and get a boner every time somebody follows them. They don't just need to be unfollowed, they need to be blocked and subjected to a slow, torturous death. Here they are, the 5 types of people to block on Twitter.

#5. The People Peddler.

Some people use Twitter to sell their products. These assholes litter their tweets with so much @s, they practically sell people. They get a mini-orgasm whenever it is #followfriday so that they can bombard their followers (all twelve of them) with inane recommendations that nobody gives a damn about:

"HEY GHAIZ! FOLLOW @DBaggerson @Farauckington @Calvinunt @Percivalenis @ShellyHit @PansyIss @Colinsuckerton @MoeFuller LOL!!one #followfriday"

Does God give you a dollar every time somebody clicks on those? Get a fucking life and stop retweeting:

"RT @DBaggerson: Just ate lunch."

Nobody gives a shit.

#4. The Angry Heathen.

"Konichiwa"

This motherfucker is probably unbaptised and all his tweets look like this:

"टेक्स्ट: यज्ञ शर्मा भाई-भाई की चर्चा शुरू होने पर हिंदुस्तान में लोग आज भी अक्सर राम-लक्ष्मण की बात करने लगते हैं। अरे भाई, युग बदल गया है। "

Nobody understands him. He secretly retweets his old tweets because we cannot tell the difference. How the hell does he get 60 000 followers?

This guy scares me.

I can just picture the little bugger, hiding out in some Al-Qaeda enclave, typing away on his शर्माभाई laptop with one hand and simultaneously using the other to derive intense sexual satisfaction from our confusion,

#3. The Iran Reporter

Nose jobs are sooo Iran!!

This individual has never been to Iran and knows no Iranians but some weeks ago, started wearing a head-scarf and ending all her tweets with "#iranelections".

"Like OMG you guys! The Iraqians are like having an election! Let's join their fight for democracy! LOL #iranelections"

Holy shit! It's a big fucking deal! Iran is having an ELECTION! I JUST CAME!

Never mind the fact that they have one every four years, the fact that Mir-Hossein Mousavi, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's opponent was a previous president, the fact that he too is a conservative son-of-a-bitch, the fact that the president of Iran is like the Queen of England or the fact that this is already the tenth democratic election.

No, disregard all of that. IRAN IS HAVING A MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION! LET'S ALL JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON AND FUCKING TWITTER!

#2. The Social Media Expert Specialist.

My other shirt is a Firefox

This guy is a Social Media Expert Specialist because his twitter account says so. This self proclaimed king of everything interwebs has 10 000 followers and takes great pride in that.

"You got laid? So what? I've got 100 000 new followers"

They form like 50% of the population of twitter and tweet at least 70 times a day. Nothing useful comes out of them. Most of their tweets consists of irrelevant little tidbits of information about some random crap that no body cares about and gay-assed links to inferior websites that pay them 2 cents every time someone clicks on them.

"Conversion rates double with Helix Re-Stockader v3.41. http://om.ly/Fnhq"

"Increase backlinks at an exponential rate with Backlink-Douche, only $39.99. http://bit.ly/fnLfB"

They have an account on every website imaginable but have no pictures of themselves as they all look like fat Marlon Brandos. In a way, they are what you call parasites, a small minority feeding off of a large collective while offering nothing of value in return.

If I had my way, I would tie them up and feed them dog shit.

#1. The Dimwitted Douche Bag.

"OMG you guys! I'm on fire but I'm not really on fire because there is a paper bag on my head!"

This is somebody who thinks E stands for idiot. He signed up for twitter once he got wind of it and promptly followed 2 000 people. Nobody followed him back and after 200 tweets, he still does not know what the @ symbol means.

Although Twitter is already full of idiots, this dipshit still finds it impossible to comprehend the contents of other people's tweets.

"@DBaggerson HAHA. LAWL. What does you means? Who is Sarah Pailn?"

"@Calvinunt Me fail English? That's unpossible"

During his free time, this guy would look at the "Trending Topics" column, pick out names that he doesn't know and then tweet:

"Who is so-and-so?"

Bloody hell, in the time you took to tweet, you could have fucking Googled it, twice. Do you get a boner broadcasting your stupidity? Go back to pleasuring yourself to gay porn, Twitter doesn't need you.

Retards are born out of incest, people like this are born out of ass-rape.

Twitter is down.

2009-08-07T01:22:00.003+08:00

As I am writing this, Twitter is down and epically failing. Apparently they are suffering from a denial of service attack.

"DOOODE! We know how much you love failing, so we gave you a fail tattoo of a fail whale so you can fail while you fail!"

This is a global disaster of epic proportions. The cold hand of fate has never dealt us a harsher hand. Millions of innocent people all over the world are now unable to access their twitter accounts.

Without Twitter, my life seems to be void of any meaning now. Somebody please kill me.

The Savage: A Forgotten Tale.

2009-08-02T23:54:00.003+08:00

Towering trees and the lush smell of greenery engulfed him. Michael was in a forest.

"So, what is your third wish?" asked the old woman beside him. Michael did not recall her being there before. But then again, Michael did not seem to recall anything.

"Third wish? Whatever happened to my first two?"

"You appeared to me confused and amnesiac, for your first wish you wanted to find out who you were and why you were here."

"Then why don't I know who I am and why I am here?"

"Oh, once you were privy of that, you asked me to make you forget everything." Answered the old woman. "So, what is your third wish?"

Michael was silent.

Australian woman stuck in toilet for a week.

2009-07-30T18:14:00.005+08:00

Toilet.

The Jakarta Globe: Australian Woman Rescued After Stuck in Toilet For a Week

"An Australian woman was stuck in her toilet for a week before neighbors heard her cries for help, officials said Tuesday.

The 67-year-old Queensland woman was found on Sunday, seven days after she became trapped, the state community safety department said.

“Firefighters accessed the woman and freed her. Paramedics treated the woman and transported her to Ipswich Hospital,” the department said in a statement.

...

“She was very dehydrated but she was conscious.”..."

WTF. DEHYDRATED?! HOLY SHIT YOU'RE DEHYDRATED! YOU'RE IN A BLOODY TOILET FOR CHRIST' S SAKE! DO YOU NEED DIRECTIONS AND A FUCKING MAP?! WOULD YOU BE STARVING TOO IF YOU'RE STUCK IN A SUPERMARKET?! GOD DAMN IT! OH THE HUMANITY! I'M GOING TO BURN OFF MY NIPPLES WITH A WIENER ROASTER!

Japanese man claims pillow is his girlfriend.

2009-07-28T22:11:00.004+08:00

The empire of small cocks has done it again. Nisan (below) from Japan has a girlfriend who is a pillow. He is not the only one. Hordes after hordes of extremely eligible Japanese men are now finding romance in pillows.

"When I die, I want to be buried with her in my arms.”

The New York Times: Love in 2-D

"Nisan is part of a thriving subculture of men and women in Japan who indulge in real relationships with imaginary characters.These 2-D lovers, as they are called... have real romantic feelings for their toys. The less extreme might have a hidden collection of figurines based on anime characters that they go on “dates” with during off hours. A more serious 2-D lover, like Nisan, actually believes that a lumpy pillow with a drawing of a prepubescent anime character on it is his girlfriend."

This is fucked up on so many levels, I just can't think of anything rational to say. The radiation must have messed up their species really badly.

"I'm so ronery."

78% of all weird shit comes from Japan.

OMG! Michael Jackson Died!

2009-07-25T17:38:00.005+08:00

Personally, I think the mustache is cute.

Of maps and territories and stuff.

2009-07-19T18:31:00.004+08:00

What makes a map? A map is a description of a territory. The best maps are ones that describe a territory most accurately.

By that definition, the best map of a territory would be the territory itself. The territory itself would serve as the most accurate and perfect description of a territory.

But as a map, it is utterly useless.

Ryan Reynolds is Green Lantern John Stewart.

2009-07-12T14:43:00.006+08:00

Ryan Reynolds will star as DC comics superhero the Green Lantern in the upcoming DC comics film, "The Green Lantern". Source.

Seventh picture in Google. First one with him wearing a shirt.

Many prominent names in Hollywood such as Bradley Cooper, Jared Leto and Gregory Peck, have expressed interest in the much coveted role, but the part went to Reynolds due to his physical resemblance to the character.

Filming begins January 2010, once Reynolds wraps up filming for Luke Cage.

Stephenie Meyer's other timeless literary classic.

2009-07-08T18:08:00.007+08:00

Rejoice people!

Stephenie Meyer, author of the award winning and critically acclaimed novel, Twilight, has written another book to capitalize on her new found fame!

"Bella Swan is based on myself"

This new book is called "The Host" and will surely go on to win both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Iranian Presidential Elections.

After vampires, Stephenie Meyer has decided to write about alien body-snatchers.

These body snatchers are called souls and take over human bodies because humans are too violent, as opposed to alien body snatchers, who are benevolent and kind.

Stephenie Meyer's God-like genius eludes our mortal ability to fathom.

Books: A Savage Hypocrisy

2009-06-28T23:58:00.003+08:00

If you make reading books a hobby, you are a hypocrite because books are a savage hypocrisy.

Books consists only of words. A book is harder and more time consuming to digest than a movie or a graphic novel. But the artistic merit of a good movie or good graphic novel is on par with that of a good book. So why go to through the trouble of reading books at all?

Because reading books satisfies your intellectual vanity. You feel more civilized than the rest because you have just put yourself through "a piece of literature". It is like useless guys hitting the gym everyday to put on useless muscles that they never use.

When you read books, you practically jack off to your own mirrored image.

Be a fireman, burn your books.

Fuck me, I'm a Regimental Policeman

2009-06-21T21:23:00.006+08:00

Yeah. My basic military training is over and I have been assigned to be a "regimental policeman". Basically, my job would be to sit in the guardhouse and get fat.

It's a stay-out vocation, meaning that I don't even have to stay in camp. And the first two weeks consists of nothing but lectures. I heard that the people selling weight-loss products would stand outside the camp every now and then to give out brochures.

Seriously, I don't know why it's even considered a combat vocation at all. Some of us don't even carry guns. Those not trained in weapons carry this awesome combination of a lethal wooden baton and an impenetrable rattan shield. They look like bloody clowns.

It's relaxing and a sought after vocation by some but I think it will bore the hell out of me. I would rather undergo tougher training and see more action. Slacking in the guardhouse and jacking off to FHMs does not beat banging Taiwanese chicks with SAF standard issue condoms.

Too bad we don't get to choose. But I'm not really complaining, I'm just glad I didn't get some shit like "ditch digger". Anyway, tomorrow would be my first day. Wish me decent amounts of luck. Within good time, I'll be a slimming pill spokesman.

All 9 Michael Bay movies in one picture. (including Transformer 2 and 3)

2009-06-18T16:59:00.004+08:00

Insects

2009-05-31T17:28:00.004+08:00

Are fucking stupid. All they do is fly towards light bulbs. They sit their asses on them and get insanely burnt. Then they do it again and again until they die and litter the ground with their crusty carcasses.

Why are they so fucking stupid.

Prison Break in 5 Seconds

2009-05-23T21:43:00.003+08:00

I just came back from field camp and Mas Selamat got captured.

2009-05-09T13:04:00.004+08:00

Field camp sucked. You don't shower for a week and your face camouflage is on twenty-four seven. You sleep and shit in holes you dig in the ground (different holes, of course). When you leave, you cover them up. Sometimes, you dig your sleeping place at a previous shitting place.

So now you sleep in shit.

It happened to this guy I knew. No wonder they said people cry during field camp.

In field camp, we were cut off from the outside world and our commanders would tell us false soccer scores and news just to fuck with us. When they told us Mas Selamat was captured, I was cock sure they were shitting us.

But then I booked out and saw the headlines. Wow. He really did get captured. And the newspapers had really interesting things to say:

Wtf.

The prick got arrested by the Malaysians, one year after he had escaped from a Singaporean prison AND gotten out of the country.

I don't get it.

I am back from the army.

2009-04-29T23:35:00.004+08:00

I have just spent the last two weeks locked away in Pulua Tekong (some Singaporean island) undergoing Basic Military Training. I had an interesting time there. We got treated like dogs and our camp was haunted (no, seriously).

I didn't really see anything personally, but some of my friends did. There were twelve people in my bunk, but a bunk mate claims he saw a thirteenth person sleeping in one of the extra beds.

If I wasn't so awesome, I would have been scared shitless.

Anyway, army life was crap. As recruits, we were without ranks and hence the lowest form of life there. Even a bloody Private can just fuck us six ways to Sunday for no reason.

Our training was fucked up and our adolescent bodies, fresh from puberty (I'm not shitting you here, there was this guy whose voice hasn't even broken), were pushed beyond limits everyday. As training progressed, more and more people started reporting sick.

In field camp, shit gets even worse. People usually start crying as early as the second day. I would be going for my field camp in two days. My friends who have gone through that have told me that it was six days of pure hell. Not one person had even one word of praise for it.

Besides the above mentioned crap and fucked up shit, the army is also about timing and punctuality. There would be a timing to meet for almost everything you do.

Because of that, I soon mastered the intricate art of bending time and space. I was able to strip a rifle in under twenty seconds and shit, shower and do my laundry all in ten minutes

All in all, the army was a fucked up experience. Although it is better now than it was some years ago, it is still fucked beyond measure. However, despite that, I'm glad I went through with all that shit. I have no idea why, but I feel more awesome now than before I enlisted.

As I walked home yesterday in my army fatigues, I saw civilians for the first time in two weeks and couldn't help but feel a wicked sense of superiority. I went through hell; they didn't.

I'm better than all of them.

I'm enlisting in the army.

2009-04-13T19:07:00.005+08:00

In about eight hours time, I will officially be a soldier. Like the rest of my brethren, my time of the month has come.

In life (especially in Singapore), there are only two things that are certain: death and National Service (NS). Among the two, one is more certain than the other, as evident in the capitalisation and the cool abbreviation of it into just its initials. Since when has death just been D?

Come to think of it, why is abbreviation such a long word?

Anyway, I take back my first sentence. I will not be a soldier; I will be a conscript. There is a distinction in the two.

In the game Red Alert 2 (It came out in 2000 if I'm not wrong), American soldiers were called "GIs" and go for two hundred credits; Russian soldiers were called "conscripts" and go for a hundred credits. A dog was two hundred credits.

This time tomorrow, I would be worth half a dog.

Up until a few days ago, I have never thought that my time come. My enlistment date is a bit late; most of my friends have had theirs in January. I was so caught up laughing at their shaved heads and stupid army misadventures that I thought I would perpetually be in a not-in-the-army state.

Today, the inevitable has finally dawned. As much as I think it will be a bloody waste of my time, I'm actually looking forward to it in a I-can't-wait-to-get-this-fucking-bullshit-over-with kind of way.

I will be confined in camp for about two weeks, so updates will be a bit irregular during this period. Read my old posts for entertainment if you are bored. I have taken the liberty to categorise them into neat categories.

You can follow me on twitter too: @loutianren.

I highly doubt I will be able to sleep tonight. But I probably have to. I have heard that sleep is an extremely rare and coveted commodity in the army. So I will being going off now.