Other than that, New York is pretty …alright.

School starts tomorrow.

Bye!

The Rocket Summer – Walls I am sitting here on the plane leaving Callie back to Dallas where I will leave 2 days later to go to New York.  All of my stuff is packed.  It was a really rough week.  At the airport I realized I was sitting in the exact same [...]]]>

The Rocket Summer – Walls

I am sitting here on the plane leaving Callie back to Dallas where I will leave 2 days later to go to New York.  All of my stuff is packed.  It was a really rough week.  At the airport I realized I was sitting in the exact same seat that I was when I brought her back last Christmas.  Same gate and all. I just didn’t have a camera man to talk to.  A diaper to change or anything. I remember how hard it was not knowing anything to just up and taking care of a baby unexpectedly.  She was 2 weeks, I didn’t know a thing, really.  I just had her huge car seat and base, too, to haul along.  Not to mention a huge suitcase filled with clothes and some of her stuff that I could barely carry.  It barely fit in the suitcase compartment.  Sitting there, unfortunately it was bad timing and time to feed her.  I ran to buy her some good water , make her bottle and feed her.  I was all over the place.  It was also pretty hard considering I kept having to run to the restroom since It was only 2 weeks since she was born and I was not completely , “healed.” Frustrating and gross right?  So with a flip camera in my face, and all that, she decides to dirty her diaper right before we had to board.  I was seriously just laughing, though, because I didn’t know what i was even in for.  It’s nuts, you know, how things happen.  Over one decision.  A decision that resulted in a lifetime of change for everyone.  Good or bad, or both, for that matter.  It changed everyone.  I don’t know.  I just reflected on that for a while. I can’t believe a year has almost passed.  It’s kind of scary though, how everything happens for a reason.  Without Callie, I wouldn’t have graduated as early as I did.  I wouldn’t have even cared much about college.  I wanted to, but I didn’t strive to, if that is the correct word.

Anyway, I’m finally feeling a little bit better about my decision.  Knowing how happy she is.  It just takes a lot of guts and a lot of pride to push aside saying that I couldn’t give my daughter what she really deserves.  I know people don’t agree with me a lot of time.  They say I’m selfish.  They say I could have done it.  You know what.  They are right.  Not about being selfish, but about being able to do it.  I could have totally raised her, but it wouldn’t have been the same.  She wouldn’t have what she has now and she could possibly have ended up like me.  It’s funny when people talk and express their opinion and say “Ashley had this, and this, and this, therefore she could have done it.”  There are a lot of things I didn’t write about, though.   A lot you don’t know.  A lot I went through as a kid and a lot I am going through now.  You have no idea.  I haven’t expressed it publicly to anybody.  It’s not terrible, and I know people have been through much , worse.  I’m just saying after this week and the events that have happened, I am happy that Callie is where she is.  Sometimes  , she doesn’t even feel like mine anymore.  But, I think thats because I’m accepting the fact that I’m not her parent and I NEVER will be.  Maybe I will get my chance someday, maybe not.  I can’t focus too much on the future, though, because it drives me nuts and insane.  One thought leads to another, and another, and another, and another, and so on until I am crazy and back into being depressed.

I haven’t cried yet, leaving her.  I’ve gotten pretty teary eyed, and since I’m on a plane, I’d rather not cry here.  I don’t want people to think I haven’t cried because I’m heartless or I don’t care.  For instance, when she left the second time, I didn’t REALLY , REALLY cry until about 2 weeks later.  Sometimes it just doesn’t kick in right away.  But it’s that feeling you know, when the tears are gathering up behind your eyes and the wrong thought could just trigger it.  I could cry writing this, but I just go from sentence to sentence concentrating on what I’m going to write next, listening to the background music through my headphones, and the faint engine of the plane.  You have to distract yourself when something like this is going on.  And I think of the future.  Only the positive future.  But not for long.  Just a quick thought of my hopeful future, and then I go back.  It hurts so bad, though, to know I won’t see her until she’s one.  Thats four months.  Sometimes I feel, again, that I made the wrong decision, that I didn’t have the support from the people I needed support from most.  Maybe I was pressured.  Maybe I was pushed.  To me, I sometimes believe I was.  I let people control my life, too much.  But on the other hand , I had a perfect opportunity with my grandparents.  I’ve never talked about them much, but they are like parents to me.  I love them more than anything.  Anyway, like I said it wouldn’t have been the same for Callie.  I am moving on with a new chapter in my life.  I am basically on my own.  I am putting myself through college.  If New York is for me, I will know.  If it’s not I will find out and find a cheaper, college closer to home, here.

Either way the birth of Callie has put my life into place.  I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know it holds success.  Not for me, but for her, and for the few people I want to make proud of me.  It’s time to change my life and move on in a better direction.  I’ve spent so much time this year feeling sorry for myself, crying, having fits of whatever emotion I’m feeing at the time, breaking down, being sad or depressed, and not letting go…of people and certain events.  It’s time.  I take a deep breath.  I’m letting go of everything.  Forgive everyone.  I forgive my biological father for not being around much, no matter what the circumstances were.  Whether I know the whole truth or not.  I’m actually stopped in Houston on my way to Dallas.  I don’t know if you read this , but Hi!  Maybe we can start over or something.  I forgive my old best friend for doing what she did to me.  I still care about her.  I forgive Justin for going along with it and doing that to me and Callie and not being around.  I forgive my mom for whatever she thinks I resent her for.  I forgive her.  I forgive myself for giving Callie up for adoption and any other decisions I might have made. Also, any words I may have said or actions I might have preformed that hurt anybody, that I hold myself to.  Im sorry.   I forgive anything and everyone else anyone ever did.  Yes, including the people that post harsh things about me.  This is my second chance.

You have just been let in.  Sort of.

Thanksgiving break is Nov. 24–28. Four days. Wednesday to Sunday.

Christmas break is Dec. 21–Jan. 21.

Callies birthday is on the 16th.

You. Do. The. Math.

Hate this school already.

Yeah,  yeah, I know i’m going to better myself…but, I can write a book and “better [...]]]> …for new york.  I see callie next week.

Thanksgiving break is Nov. 24–28. Four days. Wednesday to Sunday.

Christmas break is Dec. 21–Jan. 21.

Callies birthday is on the 16th.

You. Do. The. Math.

Hate this school already.

Yeah,  yeah, I know i’m going to better myself…but, I can write a book and “better myself in Texas.  I’m stupid.  I’m not lasting a year at this school, i bet.  Maybe a year, thats it.  I know what my holidays are going to be like.

http://myworld.ebay.com/ashleysalazar

First, click this link below.  At the [...]]]> Hi, everybody. I entered Callie in a really tiny baby contest to win a gift card for various baby things. All you have to do are follow the simple directions below to cast your vote and help her win! Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

First, click this link below.  At the top of the page by “Honey Buns Boutique” click the “LIKE” button, previously known as “become a fan.”
Honey Buns Boutique

Next, click on this picture/link to get to her photo and click “LIKE” underneath it to cast your vote.  Comments don’t count…just “likes.” Thank you very much!

i have a confession to make.  I don’t even know why I’m letting this out.  I think I need to get it off of my chest.  Not many people know.  Many will judge me for it and many will think more of me.  I know that if I was someone [...]]]> Coldplay – The Scientist

i have a confession to make.  I don’t even know why I’m letting this out.  I think I need to get it off of my chest.  Not many people know.  Many will judge me for it and many will think more of me.  I know that if I was someone from the outside, I would think…what the hell is this girls problem?  She really is nuts, crazy, or psycho…stupid.  Well, my grandparents offered me to come live with them and raise Callie, and I cry as I write this because I didn’t take that offer.  Many of you might say, good for you, because that still wouldn’t be ideal for a child…that they need better.  But my grandparents’ is a great place, nice house, same town as my aunt and uncle, they are successful, it would have been okay.  But, I think that I was just selfish as hell and I can’t even think of words to describe it…stupid.  I’m sharing this because I think all of the positive comments I am getting aren’t true or fair.  I don’t deserve it.  I deserve ridicule and hurtful comments like I  used to get from everybody.  And the reason that they hurt me so much is because I knew deep down everything that everyone said was true.  That I’m not a mom, I’m worthless, I couldn’t do it, I’m selfish, Callie is better off without me, etc.  I think this will be the last time I write, for a while, but everyone will know how I am…depressed, not happy, wanting to just end everything every day but living without the strength to do so.  Just “getting by” every day.  Barely living…truth is, I was depressed before this, but not nearly as bad.  This messed me up and pushed me way over the edge.  Yeah, I could get “help,” maybe I will, but I don’t see how that will help.  All they want is their paycheck and they don’t understand firsthand.  If I find someone in my situation who can counsel me, they might say like all of the rest how great their situation is, and how it turned out, and I think I have the best situation of all situations…but i’m not ready to hear anything good.  I’m not ready to hear anything bad either.  I sort of just want to sit there and trash talk about adoption and all of the biased adoption agencies, non profit or not.  I really STILL don’t know what was right and what was wrong, all I know is that I was wrong.  And sometimes, I think I could be sitting here with Callie as my own and be saying the same thing…that I was wrong and selfish to keep her, but I will never know that, will I?  Whatever.  I’ve had it.  I’m exhausted.  I have no sleep.  The slightest movements kill my head.  I’m just so tired and out of it.  Anyway,  I’m over it for now.

Goodbye.