AshleyGraceless.com

"It's been a long time since I did the stroll..."

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:25:00 +0000

The last couple of days have been a crazy mash-up of emotions for me. (In a good way.)

As of Monday morning, I start training for my new position as a web operative at a company geared towards creating internet and social media marketing for small businesses. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you've seen me re-tweeting them, Trustworkz, a time or two.

I've been in contact with their founder since last fall, and, after a couple of meetings, they've decided to bring me on as part of the team starting next week, which I couldn't possibly be MORE thrilled about.There are a bunch of pro's, but one of them is that the office is just down the street from me, so my commute is no commute at all. This is huge, and I'm so lucky to have found something so promising so close to my house, considering most everyone in Atlanta commutes into the city.

I'm slowly in the process of working out childcare arrangements for Grayson, and while I'm thrilled (thrilled, I tell you!), to be going back to work, when I was putting him down for a nap this afternoon, I teared up, because I realized that in a few short weeks, he'll be napping at the daycare center and I won't see him all day. Forget toddler separation anxiety - this momma is gonna have to adjust quite a bit, too! Thankfully, my Mom and my in-laws have offered to help with Grayson one day a week each, so he'll actually only be in daycare three days a week, and we'll save a chunk on costs.

But, as I was telling a girlfriend of mine who also works full-time and has three children in daycare, I feel like I can be my best self when I'm with him after work and on the weekends now, because I won't be taking advantage of the time we spend during the day, and I'm able to compartmentalize my life a little better, because I'll have my work and my home.

Finally, in my post last week I mentioned celebrating my employment with a little gift to myself. So, now that everything is official, I'm going to set up an appointment to see my friend Sam Parker at Memorial Tattoo and get this on my ankle:

It's Robert Plant's symbol from Led Zeppelin's album IV, but, it's also the feather of Ma'at, an Egyptian goddess who personifies truth and justice. And, it looks just like a writer's quill, does it not? ;)

Ooh, let me get it back, let me get it back, let me get it back

mm-baby, where I come from
It's been a long time, been a long time
Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time
Yes, it has

Five Things Friday, 2012 Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 20:25:00 +0000

Holy crap, 2011. What a year. I won't say it was a bad year, but it was the year that I learned the most about myself, and ultimately helped shape me more than any other.

Which brings me to my first "thing":

1.) This time last year, I wrote about how I'd decided to apply to graduate school, more specifically, the Master's in Teaching program at KSU, and I did. I collected the massive amounts of paperwork and studied my ass off to take the GRE, not once, but TWICE, so that I could make a decent enough score to accompany my application packet. After submitting all that off at the end of the summer, I waited to hear back. In the meantime, Oscar and I had some difficult conversations about how we intended to pay for said schooling if I wasn't going to be working, and even with student loans, it would be extremely tough for the five semesters I'd be in the program. We decided to wait to finalize our decision until I got my acceptance letter. Finally, about two months ago, I got a letter from KSU, congratulating me on my acceptance into the January 2012 semester.

2.) However, Oscar and I have decided that right now, even with the help of student loans, we are unable to afford to send me to graduate school. At first, I had an insanely hard time with this realization. The hours I had spent getting my application packet together were ridiculous, not to mention all the people I had help me with letters of recommendation, studying, etc. I would love the opportunity to complete the program and have my own classroom someday, but I also realize that graduate school doesn't have a cutoff time in my personal timeline. I can go back whenever I choose, if I decide down the line that it's something I'd still like to do.

3.) So now, I'm in a full-on pursuit for full-time employment, which is hard. I haven't been employed full-time since May of 2009, so trying to find something that fits all my needs is challenging, to say the least. I don't want a long commute, I need it to pay enough to afford putting Grayson in daycare, I'd love some health benefits, and I want to enjoy what I'm doing. No bites yet, but it is still the first week of January. I'm confident that I'll find something that's a great fit. And when I find it, I have a little surprise celebration/gift to myself. Stay tuned to see.

4.) Grayson still isn't walking at 16 months, and I can't help but feel like a huge failwhale. I know really that I'm doing everything I can to help him, i.e., praising him when he takes a few steps on his own, walking with him while holding his hand so he gets comfortable with it and so on, but he's still not walking. All but two of the babies in my little (sub) Mom's group are walking, and they're all younger. Developmentally he's on track, but I just wonder what's keeping him from taking more than 5-6 steps unassisted.

5.) Some of my resolutions this year include:
- Learn the game of football.
- Master my grandma's chocolate pound cake recipe.
- Volunteer more, either at Foxtale or somewhere else.
- Try something new once a week (food, activity, internet community, you name it)

Cheers to 2012!

I return, embarrassed.

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:08:00 +0000

Holy crap, Internet. It's been a hot second. The only reason I have time to write right now is because Grayson is taking a nap, but these days, that could mean I only have 30 minutes or so of quiet.

He's been sick the past few days with croup, but I think he's finally starting to feel a little better. I'm hoping I can get him back on some sort of schedule, because I need that for my own sanity. This whole "willy-nilly, no-naps, 6am-to-7pm" thing is tiring me out!

Anyway. Um, bullets?

I'm still trying to find my place in the Mom's group, but I've met a smaller group of moms that are close in age, and whose babies are close to Grayson's age, so that seems to be working.
Grayson's first birthday came and went with no teeth coming through. Now though, he has about 10, and he's drooling like crazy, which makes me think there are more on the way in the next few weeks.
Once again I've watched my friendships change/slip away. Will this continue as I get older? When I'm 30 will I talk to anyone from high school? I'm thankful for my new friends in Mom's Club, but I need to meet some people that challenge me in some way, that I can get excited about seeing. My hope is that it comes in the form of a new job prospect, but I don't want to count chickens, etc.
I've tried my hand at a few new recipes over the past few weeks, and I'm pretty proud of myself. The list includes pot roast, beef stew and blackberry cobbler, to name a few, and I'm looking forward to using my Crock-Pot more as the weather (FINALLY) starts to get chilly again.
I'm going to try and ease my way back into this blog. I was (am) feeling stuck, like I had nothing to write about. No promises, though. I started this blog as a place to write whatever I was feeling, but with the Internet at everyone's fingertips, I'm still concerned about being judged for things I think and feel. I just don't want what I write to come back and bite me in the ass is all.

Five Things Friday, plus a question

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 14:03:00 +0000

I guess Five Things Friday is something that people who still blog participate in, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

1.) I've been battling a wicked case of poison ivy for the last week and a half. At first I thought it was mosquito bites, but then when it spread to huge itchy red patches, I realized not so much. I've been walking around with dried pink splotches of calamine lotion and last week I ended up going to the Minute Clinic to get some meds because the itching was so bad. The doctor put me on Prednisone, which I'm almost finished with thank god, because it's somewhere between two espressos and a nonstop caffeine drip when I take them. I IZ HYPED. Of course, the itching is worse when sweat touches it and the temperature has been "surface of the sun" all summer, so I've tried to stay inside as much as possible.

2.) Grayson is almost one, and it's blowing my mind. I've been a mom for a year. He's crawling around and pulling himself up onto everything, which means he's also falling over and bonking his little head, too. I know I can't wrap him in bubble wrap forever, but I really, really want to. I've been thinking about the timing for our second baby recently, mostly just because I wonder what he'll be like when we have another baby around. Will he be a sweet older brother? I sure hope so. I honestly can't imagine loving another human being as much as I love him.

3.) I finally submitted my application for graduate school this week. Whee! It's been on my weekly to-do list since January, and I applied online earlier this week and also mailed hard copies in just in case. I've also applied to two administrative positions at KSU to stick my toes back into the job market. Both are positions I can really see myself growing to love as an alternative to being in a classroom, which leads me to number four...

4.) I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail trying to get into education. This isn't a "let's watch me talk myself out of something I'd really like to have" moment. And I also know that "anything worth having is worth fighting for" and all that. From a financially stable standpoint however, I just don't know if the timing is right. Let's say by the grace of Jeebus I get accepted into the master's program I just applied for (and there will be much rejoicing, yaaaaay). Considering that the government probably won't give me any money for school, I'll have to take out a loan for the entire $20,000. Once I get out, my lack of classroom experience and master's degree could hurt me, especially since there are, and will be, teachers with both experience and higher degrees that I'll be competing with. As for right now, all I can do is hope for the best outcome for our family, and be content with that.

5.) I joined a Mom's group. I've only been to a couple of meetings/playdates so far, so it's still a little uncomfortable for me. Many of them are older, have 2-3 or more children, and seem to enjoy being stay-at-home-moms, whereas I'm younger, have just one, and don't really know how I feel about being a sahm. Do I want to make new friends? Honestly, yes. Having some people I can relate to is always nice. But I guess what I'm really looking forward to is seeing what kind of music they like, what shows they can't get enough of, what they did before they sold their souls to Elmo.

Lastly, I'm contemplating making a new ashleygraceless.com linked with my newer Gmail account unless someone can tell me a way I can link an old account and a new account. Anybody?

Getting closer to one year

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 12:13:00 +0000

Last week, Grayson turned 10 months, and I realized that he's quickly growing from baby to toddler. When did this happen!? We finally have a groove going. He still takes two naps a day, is sleeping g r e a t at night, and for the most part, he smiles and laughs all day long. Plus, he doesn't talk back yet. Toddlers throw tantrums. They (or so I've heard) lay in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store screaming because you aren't buying the cookies they want. How do you go about punishing one, exactly? Time-out? If you're an advocate for spanking, I don't think you can spank so early, can you? Anyway...

The one year mark is also when we're supposed to give up the bottle, start weaning from the pacifier, and switch to sippy cups. I'm trying to start leaving the pacifier in the crib so he just uses it for naps and bedtime, but whenever he's pouting I find myself wanting to grab it and shove it in his mouth. (Patience, patience....) He's doing really well in the switch from formula to the half juice, half water mixture I've started to give him, so he only gets a few ounces of formula in the morning, a few before each nap, and a full bottle at bedtime. Since he still doesn't have any teeth, it's not really a problem, and we give it to him instead of letting him fall asleep with it in his mouth, but I know as soon as he gets teeth, that's a no-no. I bought one sippy cup recommended for first-time users a few weeks back, and instead of trying to drink from it, he bangs it against the highchair tray. Clearly not a winner.

Lastly, I've started planning Grayson's one year birthday. Since it's in August, we've decided that a pool party at my in-laws seems to be the best option. I'm finding that making the guest list is harder than I would have imagined, because I want my close friends there, but when you start inviting friends from one group, I feel obligated to invite other friends so they're not left out, and "what if this person sees pictures on your facebook wall" and so on. It's like our wedding all over again, which, to be honest, was extremely stressful. We've already got a pretty lengthy list, but I'm trying to stay calm. He's not even going to remember his first birthday, plus, he's gonna need a nap in the middle of the party, anyway. Anybody that has done this before care to give any tips?

I just can't believe my little bean is almost one.

Grayson and my Dad on Father's Day

Put it out into the universe

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:20:00 +0000

I'm kind of fond of the idea that whatever you put into the universe is what you get back. That said, I'm putting positive vibes into the universe that, no matter what, even if I don't end up getting accepted into the master's program that I applied for, I will still somehow manage to attain my goal of becoming a teacher.

I re-took the GRE today for a second time. I got plenty of sleep, I ate a good breakfast, I studied. I did do better than the first time, but still didn't do as well as I'd hoped. I'm trying to stay really positive about the whole thing, because I studied and DID do better the second go-round, but ultimately, I'm still not that great at multiple choice tests. I never have been. I either know the material, or I don't.

Anyway. On the drive home I started wondering if I should still apply to the program despite my lower-than-expected score, and keep my fingers crossed that my resume, professional statement and recommendation letters have more depth than a couple of numbers.Will the committee see that I took the test twice? That has to account for something, right? I guess my biggest fear now is all this preparation just to read, "We regret to inform you yada yada yada." That's just a hit to the gut that I'm not ready to take. I have never been happier with certain aspects of my life, but being a SAHM is just not fulfilling my life completely. I absolutely love being a mom, but I'm ready for a career. Something to share with the world.

I do have some options, thankfully. I can get certified in a specific county. It costs far less and I would still make some decent connections. But I don't know how long finding a job would take if I go that route. Or, I could hold off for another while and get a job doing something else entirely, just to get me out of the house. I'm not really sure.

I mostly just wanted to update to let my five readers know that yes, I am alive. And despite the score, I have a lot to be proud of.

I'll have the crazy with a side of crazy, thanks.

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Thu, 12 May 2011 19:10:00 +0000

I'll admit in the past few weeks my OCD has tripled in regards to my graduate school application. I always have a tab in Firefox with the graduate requirements for the Master of Arts in Secondary English page up in case I forget all the things I need, which is next to impossible seeing as how I've pretty much memorized them all.

I'm taking my GRE test next Wednesday, and whatever word is greater than petrified, that's what I am. When I met with the advisor for the MAT program, he told me that the median score for the verbal portion of the GRE is a 560, so that's been my goal, to get at least a 560. But, I have to also not totally fail the math portion and also do pretty well on the two essays, which are 30- and 45-minute timed essays. I've always done fairly well on verbal portions of tests, but I think the fact that I know what I have to make to at least be AVERAGE, it's totally effing with my brain. I have studied a little but by the time I have the time after Grayson goes to bed, the words on the page in my study guide lookmushedtogetherandIjustdon'tfeellikereadingitanymore. Yeah, that. I guess I have to keep telling myself that being prepared even a little is better than not being prepared at all. Thankfully, my fabulous Mother has offered to take Grayson the night before so I can get a good night's sleep.

Also, I totally misunderstood the correct process for FAFSA, something I've never had to deal with before, and I just filed it a month late for priority funding. I was under the impression that you shouldn't file until after you get accepted into the school you want, and apparently, it's backwards. Apply first, then discover what you're eligible for. Or in my case, not eligible for. I'm pretty sure the government is gonna take one good look at our 2010 taxes (even on one income) and decide that we should be able to "figure it out." I'll bet money that I end up having to take out the full amount in a loan.

Plus, I can't figure out if my allergies have worsened or if I have an actual cold. I have no idea what to take. Neither my Claritin nor my Tylenol cold seems to help. :( Boourns.

Anyway. After Wednesday, I hope I'm less of a nutcase.

I try.

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Wed, 04 May 2011 00:58:00 +0000

I try really hard to forget people in my life that have done me wrong. Holding grudges is not an ideal trait, but neither is consuming yourself in anger, right?

So I'm asking - is it totally normal to want to confront poisonous people you haven't seen or heard from in years because you never gained closure? Even though you know you'll probably never get to, and even if given the chance, you wouldn't anyway, because you're supposed to be the better person in this situation, and for the love of God, why can't you just let this go?

I'm rambling now.

I was reading back through old posts and the anger and resentment rose back up in me like I was experiencing this situation all over again. I know anger can be like a cancer, and if I don't let it go and finally gain some inner peace I'll end up being the curmudgeon on her street that nobody talks to or makes eye contact with, and I can imagine myself grunting "Get off my lawn" and slamming my front door.

I realize that the absolute last thing the world needs right now is more hate. As I get older, for the most part, I realize I'm pretty socially passive and don't feel the need to tout my thoughts and feelings on facebook and twitter like many counterparts. Ask me and I'll tell you, but otherwise, why on earth do I need to add to the nonsense? Take this week, for instance.

Honestly? Yes, it's a good thing for our country's morale. Thank goodness for our troops and all they've done. But I don't think partying in the streets because someone (even a homicidal maniac) finally got what he deserved. Did he deserve it? Sure. But I think there needs to be a little decorum surrounding the situation. Americans would freak the eff out if the situation were reversed. Again, I'm not saying he's right, but I don't think we were right, either. I loathe the joy Americans see in taking a violent death. I understand it, I really do, but I wish it didn't make so many people so damn happy. It just perpetuates the hate.

Anyway.

Now of course, I'm no longer angry about the situation from my old blogs.

Hey look, I've gone and answered my own question - don't perpetuate the hate.

Eight months old: A summary of the current state of the Velez household

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 15:09:00 +0000

My sweet boys.

I don't know why I wanted to write a post summing up the last 8 months. Partially so I don't forget (I shamefully admit it's easy for me to do), and I guess the other part is to share.

Right now, Grayson has no teeth. Nada. I keep thinking he's going to sprout one any day now, because he keeps having grumpy fits that seem eased by a little Orajel or some infant Tylenol. I guess eight months is kind of late to not have a single tooth, but I don't mind that we're getting sleep because he's not in pain.

Nighttime Sleep - Last week, we started cutting out Grayson's night feeding. Typically he woke up between 11:00p.m. and 1:00a.m., and Oscar only gave him about 3-4 ounces to calm him down and get him back to sleep. I knew that soon we were going to have to cut out the night feeding, but I don't know if we were quite ready yet. His bedtime routine was working: 7:00 we started with the bath if it's a bath night (every other night, because of his eczema), got him in his pj's and his sleep sack and put him to sleep with an 8-ounce bottle. He's definitely gotten used to the routine, and he's gotten to where he's an absolute joy to watch during his bathtime. Since we cut out his feedings, he is still waking up once or twice (rare) at night, but we go in and shush him without giving him food and he rolls over on his side and goes back to sleep. Last night he woke up at 10:30 and then went until 7:00 this morning without a peep. I love the satisfaction of feeling that I've done something right with his sleep schedule, since it's one of the huge issues many new parents face.

Naps - Most days, he takes two hour-hour and a half naps, one about 10:00a.m. and another around 2:00p.m. Sometimes he takes the second as late as 3:30, and he's slept until 5:00 before, but it doesn't seem to disrupt his bedtime schedule at all, which I'm truly thankful for. I introduced a lovey, a super-soft blanket my Aunt made for him for naps and sleep, and he's taken to it quite well. She's a planner, and she made me two to switch out so they get equal wear (smart!).

Eating - Just a few weeks ago, my Mom was able to get Grayson to accept the little puffed rice snacks. She sent me a picture while she was babysitting him one day that said. "Look, Mom! I'm opening my mouth like a little bird!" And he was. He accepts the puffs fairly easily, and we've tried sweet potato, blueberry and banana, all of which he seems to like. The baby food though, that's a whole other story. When the baby food comes out, it's a torture session. "Oh Mommy, please, no! Not the oatmeal! Not the squash! The carrots! Nooooo!" He's better about eating for his grandmas, but I still haven't had much luck at all. His little lips clamp shut and he swooshes his head back and forth - nope. Not gonna do it.

Playtime/Skillz - He can sit up all by himself now for the most part, although I do hold my legs or hands out in case he does wobble. Just in the past few days he's taken to standing up, propping himself against our leather storage ottoman in our family room. He spends a lot of time on his back playing on his activity mat, and still loves bouncing away in his doorway and stationary bouncer. He loves anything with lights, anything that makes a crinkly noise, and L O V E S Elmo already. Also, he's figured out that phones are where Elmo and the baby games are, so anytime he sees one, his little arms flail and his eyes get huge. (What have I done??)

As for Oscar and me, we're quite happy with our little family. A few weeks back, had you asked me that, I'd have said, "No, we want to go ahead and have another," which was true at the time. But after giving the situation much thought, I've realized that I barely have time to myself with just one. His naps are the only time that I have to work this little part-time gig I picked up (transcribing journals) and studying for the GRE (for the next month, anyway). I can't even find the time to get to my magazine subscriptions, (Real Simple, Parents and Southern Living, in case you're interested) which sit in a pile next to my bed, calling out to be read. By the time 9:00p.m. rolls around and I can finally get to them, I'd rather sleep instead. And then of course, FINGERS CROSSED, once I get into my graduate school program, I'm going to have even less time. Throwing another baby into that mix seems a little selfish, because someone would fall behind. To be honest, I'm sure it wouldn't be our babies, but the marriage might suffer.

I guess what I've finally decided is that, I'm going to try and focus on the GOOD. I have a beautiful son who laughs every day, a wonderful husband who goes to work to support our family, a goofy dog that I can laugh at every day, wonderful friends and a truckload of family who are there whenever I need them. I intend to fill my days "dwelling in possibility," as Emily Dickinson said, in hopes that it will overall make me even happier than I already am.

Grayson's napping, and I should be studying

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 19:31:00 +0000

But I just can't make myself. Do I have a to-do list a mile long? Yes. Do I care at present? Not particularly.

Please excuse me while I ramble.

My GRE test is just under a month away (taking on May 18th), and I have never been so disinterested in studying for a test in my entire life. Which is a terrible attitude, because it's pretty much going to be a deciding factor in my getting into the Master's program I'm applying to this fall.
On the surface, I'm terrified to take this test. I bought a study guide a month or so ago and I've been going through the language portion of the guide, only to flip through to the vocabulary words (about 300 or so) that I know about 1/3 of. Once again, totally terrified. "Isn't language a huge portion of your major? Shouldn't you be able to figure these out?" I ask myself. The answers are yes and yes, but I'm so paralyzed by fear that I just avoid opening the book altogether, finding other things to do instead, and then I don't have to face that fear presently. I haven't even looked at the math or writing portions of the test. I know the reviewers of my program won't be looking at the math portion much (unless I totally bomb it), but the writing portion is HUGE. HUGE. That's the main part that the committee will look at when deciding whether or not to accept me.

What else is going on? Grayson's about to turn 8 months old this week. Also a very big highlight. Oscar and I have just agreed to start cutting out his nighttime feeding. Monday night was the first night, and I'd consider it a success. He woke up around 1:00am, Oscar went in and shushed him, he fell back asleep without much trouble, and I didn't hear him again until about 6:45am. Last night he didn't wake up at all, but we also gave him a little Benadryl because his eczema was flaring up, so that helped. We'll see tonight if we have another drug-free success. Last week we were in Charlotte visiting family for a few days, so his sleep schedule was a little off, but ever since we got back he's been fairly good. Our magic window seems to be 3 hours. His first nap is 3 hours after he wakes for the day, then another three hours of playtime, followed by his second nap in the afternoon. Then, whenever he wakes up until bedtime at 7:30 is the third leg of his awake time. That rough schedule seems to be working out quite well. Also, he's FINALLY starting to eat those puffed rice snacks for babies. He still fusses and turns his head when we try to feed him from a spoon, but I feel like he's at least getting used to other textures in his mouth with the puffs, so it's something.

As for everything else, I really can't complain. A few weeks back I volunteered at a local bookstore during their spring break activities. I enjoyed it so much that I asked them to let me know when they're planning their summer activities because I'd really like to get involved again. Also, there's a bonus for me - I can list the volunteer work on my resume for grad school as experience with children, since I don't really have any classroom experience.

Aside from visiting family, I also trekked up to Charlotte last week to shadow a good friend of mine in her 9th grade literature classroom. She teaches at my Dad's old high school, which is really cool. Unlike me, she graduated with a degree in English Education, so she was able to teach right away after college, so I think she's been teaching for 4 years now. This was very special and very important to me, because I haven't been inside a classroom since I was a student, and I thought it might help give me a better idea of what awaits me after my MAT program. But, I was also scared shitless. Would this experience change my mind? If it did and I decided NOT to teach, what then? I was worried that I'd have to start all over again.

(A little backstory - I have know this girl since we met in 7th grade in Charlotte. She has been my oldest and one of my closest friends ever. She has seen me through braces and glasses and acne and all that raging hormone teenage awkwardness. The past few years have made it difficult to stay in touch because we've been living our ultra-crazy lives, but I love that when we get in the same room, it seems like nothing changes. We're still two 12-year olds with families that think fart jokes are funny.)

ANYWAY. I had no doubt that she was a fantastic teacher, but when I walked into her classroom and the first bell rang (at 7:05am!!!), she was ON. My friend, the teacher, my Nenefer*, was up in front of that classroom OWNING it. Owning every part of it. And to see her there interacting with her students in the very same way I hope to one day made me damn proud to know her. It also made me realize more than ever that I want my own classroom.

So with that, I suppose, I should go study for this ~~stupid~~ test that will change my life.

*An old nickname

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans, right?

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 01:12:00 +0000

I think that's how that goes, anyway.

If you're looking for a post full of sunshine and rainbows, this ain't it. I got some pretty crappy news today about our upcoming family-growing plans, and I'm still pretty pissed about it.

Here's the lowdown (from what I've gathered thus far):

Oscar and I had plans to start trying for another baby in about a month or two. I was going to finish the current pill pack I'm on and then quit taking them, giving myself a couple months to try and get some kind of schedule back naturally. Ideally, I wanted to be able to get pregnant in July, putting us with our second baby next spring and giving us a few months before I started my student teaching so we could deal with the sleepless nights without the additional stress student teaching would bring.

I had Oscar call our insurance broker today to see about switching me back to the maternity care plan I had with Kaiser before I got pregnant with Grayson. After his birth last fall, we switched me to a different company called Coventry that had a much lower monthly premium, thinking that we could switch back to the maternity plan once we were ready to have another baby. Oscar soon found out that our insurance broker had bad news, and even worse news.

Kaiser was the LAST company to offer maternity coverage to individual health care plans, and they did away with that particular plan I was on as of January 1st, 2011 because it was becoming extremely expensive for them. If you were still on that plan, they grandfathered you in, and you still have coverage. But since we were trying to be financially responsible, we switched my coverage over to the (cheaper!) insurance company, again thinking we could switch it back once we were ready to have a second baby. Not anymore. As far as I can tell, not one single insurance company offers maternity care, not even a rider, for an individual plan.

What does this mean for us? Basically, if we want to have another baby, EVEN THOUGH WE BOTH HAVE INSURANCE, it will cost us between $10,000 and $15,000 out of pocket because no insurance company will give me maternity coverage.

When Oscar told me this, I broke down and started bawling. I felt like I was being punished for being a responsible member of society and even BOTHERING to have an individual health care plan. He knew how upset I was and immediately called my doctor's office and asked what the standard maternity package would cost there if we paid them straight cash. For two sonograms, all the well visits, the delivery and the post-partum visit, they estimated $3,700, with additional ultrasounds being extra, and possible other additionals. So I figured we'd just round that out to $4,000 to be safe.

As for the hospital, I remember looking at the bill we received after coming home with Grayson itemizing all the costs that Kaiser covered, and it was around $11,000. (So that's where I came up with the between 10 and 15k total. I could be off. I didn't major in asshole math.)

So what are our options? The easiest would be to put off having another baby until after I get my second degree and start working again so I can get insurance coverage with the county as a teacher. But as far as timing, I'm looking at 2013 or 2014, and my babies will be close to four years apart then. Plus, instead of being able to stay at home with both of them, I'll probably have to go right back to work after my 8 weeks of maternity leave (unless we get lucky and have a late spring baby). Doable, but certainly not ideal and I don't feel like it's fair to my second child at all. Plus, I was starting to get really excited about going off the pill again and the idea of being pregnant and teeny tiny baby smell and all that.

Second is just saving up the money and trying to strike deals with the doctor's office and the hospital if we offer to pay in cash for both. But to be honest, making payments on a student loan and a baby in addition to all our other bills on one income makes me nauseous. I suppose it could be done, but why would you want to??

The office manager (secretary?) at my doctor's office told Oscar to look into Medicaid as an option, but even on one income I don't think we come close to qualifying. It's not totally ruled out, but I'm not banking on it.

I did a bunch of research this afternoon, and I found a couple links on the subject, if anyone else is interested:

Pregnancy Not Covered by most Individual Health Policies

Pregnancy Complicates Health Insurance Options

Health Insurance Woes: My $22,000 Bill Having a Baby

If I sound ungrateful, please understand that I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat. I really don't. I realize that I'm LUCKY to have one baby and a loving husband and a huge family/friend support system. When I think about all of that my silly "timing issue" sounds absolutely ridiculous. I just we didn't live in a country whose health care system is so ass-backwards that having a baby is a luxury that only rich people can afford.

Alright. I'm done. Off to lay and in bed and fall asleep watching King of the Hill.

Early morning in the Velez house today

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 11:55:00 +0000

Grayson's sleep schedule has been way off the past few days. I think 4 or 5 mornings in a row now he's woken up between 5:00 and 5:30am and fussed himself back to sleep, only with the help of me going in there and shushing him and popping his pacifier back in his mouth.

Last night we put him down at 7:15pm as usual, but he woke up about 10:30 and was really fussy. Oscar managed to soothe him without giving him food, but he woke up again around 12:45 for a feeding. This morning was rather rough, because I instinctively woke up about 5:00, and just about when I was drifting back off, at 5:30, like clockwork, I heard him start to scream.

He fussed on and off until about 6:15, when I thought that maybe he was in pain from a future tooth popping out and a little Orajel on his pacifier might soothe him, so I tried that. He HATES the taste of Orajel, and that just sent him over the edge. So pretty much everyone has been awake since about 5:30 this morning. A very STRONG pot of coffee was made this morning, for the record.

His naps have been extremely short too. For about a week now he hasn't slept longer than 45 minutes in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. This makes getting things done almost impossible, because I don't want to start time consuming things for fear I won't get to finish. Of course yesterday I was gone almost all day, busy with wedding activities for an upcoming wedding I'm in. He slept TWO HOURS for Oscar in the morning, and almost two again in the afternoon. What I don't understand is, Sleep begets sleep, so why the rough night?

Whenever I look up "night waking", the answers I typically get are connected to teething or a growth spurt. His gums are nubby, but there's no actual teeth popping out as far as I can tell. And the growth spurt? He's just shy of 7 and a half months, so he's not really "due" for one.

I realized I get spoiled when he sleeps well for us. It's extremely easy to get comfortable with a solid sleep schedule of one night waking at 11:00 then sleeping through until 7:00am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. That's what we had for a while, and MY GOD it was glorious. Now I don't know what to do.

Anybody? Anywhere? Got a solution? I'll try it.

I'm alive, I promise.

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 20:31:00 +0000

I just have lots of crap going on right now. Wanna hear all about it? Sit down and stay a while.

I've started my application process for grad school. So far, I have my resume up-to-date, my statement of purpose written, I'm signed up to take the GRE in May (scurred!), and have one letter of recommendation from a former professor completed. Still waiting for the other rec letter from a former employer. My application is due October 1st, so I still have all summer to complete it, but those that know me know that I'll probably have it completed by this summer at the latest, because I HATE turning things in late. Hell, I just hate being late. Period.

If the prospect of grad school isn't scary enough, Oscar and I are also starting to think about growing our little family again. Grayson is seven months old now, and we've always said that we wanted our babies close in age. Plus, to be honest, I'd rather do my staying-at-home early so I can go back to my career and not have such a huge gap in their ages. Does this make us crazy? Maybe. Am I excited about the possibility of becoming pregnant again this summer? Absofrickinlutely. I loved being pregnant, and if I don't have to trudge through my 3rd trimester during the hottest months Atlanta has to offer again, I'll be a happy girl.

The second reason for the age closeness is this - the first two semesters of the MAT program are just classes (Three classes per semester). The 3rd and 4th are classes IN ADDITION to actual time in the classroom, and the idea of being in a classroom all day plus classes while having a brand new baby is a little terrifying to me. So, ideally, I'd like to have a due date in the general area of next spring or early summer, that way the first few sleep-deprived months won't be while I'm expected to be alert and doing my student teaching. Of course, that's ideal. Thankfully, since I'll be paying out the ass for the program, there's a little flexibility in how long it takes for me to complete the entire program, so if I need to take a semester off in order to not flunk out, the professors encourage that (How thoughtful, right?).

I'll have only been back on the pill for three full months after starting to try to get pregnant again, but I can already feel myself getting that "If we can just have sex on this day, we'll be sure to get pregnant" place again. I need to RESTRAIN myself and just let things go this time. I'll probably still start charting my BBT, just because it's impossible for me to relinquish all control. I have to have a little bit. If I can just magically become pregnant sometime in July, that would be super. Fingers crossed.

As for everything else, Boo is learning new things every day. He's absolutely refused all things we try to introduce to him food-wise, and only waving his arms in the air frantically when he sees his bottle, which he can pretty much hold on his own. He's sitting up fairly well, but he's still a tad bit wobbly. He can roll from his tummy to his back, and I'm trying to work with him on the opposite way. He babbles constantly and he freaking loves his bouncers. Most nights he only wakes up once to eat a few ounces. I want to kick the night-waking habit but Oscar seems to be clinging to it. I have to admit, I find myself spoiling him when he goes down for naps sometimes. I'll make him a few ounces just to get him sleepy and rock him to sleep instead of putting him in the crib sleepy like we're supposed to.

Everybody else I know seems to be growing too. My brother bought a condo, my cousin put an offer on an house and will be engaged probably by the end of the summer, and a handful of Oscar's cousins are having babies, not to mention his brother Aldo is getting married this fall. Some of my friends are getting married this year too, and I can't wait until they start having babies.

As for me, I have to remember to"finish each day and be done with it."

For the record, I hate thinking of blog titles.

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 15:04:00 +0000

So I've decided to take on the major decision of going back to school to pursue a graduate's degree in secondary education. Why? Because taking care of an infant just isn't enough work on its' own, of course!

In all seriousness, this was not an easy decision for me at all. I hemmed and hawed, and at any moment, I think about the cost and the time and aside from the fact that I have to actually get accepted, the whole idea is just a little terrifying to me.

Of course, just this past year, our state has done away with the HOPE Teacher program, that allows the HOPE Scholarship for future educators of our state. Who knows when and if it'll be reinstated, but I certainly hope so. I had the HOPE Scholarship for undergrad for my entire four years, and I was *extremely lucky* to have my parents help me with the rest of my living expenses as long as I maintained my scholarship. So, this brand new world of FAFSA and student loans and the idea of potentially having to pay $15,000 out of pocket for a second degree is absolutely terrifying to me.

Especially on one income. I mean, I'm not contributing, here. If anything, I'm gonna be a freaking money vacuum! Between me and the little guy, we're gonna suck poor Oscar dry for the next two and a half years. But I am also one of the luckiest ladies alive, because he's supportive of the drain since I'm pursuing something that I'm pretty passionate about. Teaching high school English is something that I've gone back and forth with since I graduated from high school myself. (Talk about a long and arduous decision.) Evidence? See this post and this post. *Sigh.* The crappiest part is that because of my timing with the decision and because the program I want to graduate from doesn't accept fall entrants, I won't even be able to start my classes until January of next year. :( It does, however, give me plenty of time to figure out my rec letters and to take the GRE (ugh) and get all my materials together.

Yesterday I was watching Oprah (Yes, I've taken to watching the final season, since it's the final season and all), the episode was all about being truly happy. She had author Dan Buettner on, and according to new(?) research, it's better to go for for "bliss, not bucks" in the job market. Well I suppose that's good news for me, since everyone knows teachers are vastly overworked and underpaid. He said a whole bunch of other stuff that resonated with me (People who commute have to make an extra $40,000 a YEAR to make an hour-plus commute worth it (!!!). This pretty much makes the entire commuter city of Atlanta totally screwed.)

This decision all boils down to the fact that I really want the opportunity to instill the same kind of appreciation and love of literature and the English language (even though I'll be the first to admit I butcher it on a daily basis) that my 11th and 12th grade teachers did for me.

And this time, I will not flake.

Parental Advisory - Explicit Content

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 16:22:00 +0000

Yesterday I was thinking about what I'll do when Grayson finally gets old enough to start listening to his own music. What will he gravitate towards? If he's anything like me or Oscar, it'll probably be something we both despise (gangsta rap?? *shudder*). Oscar still listens to a lot of the music he listened to in high school, which really, is kind of tame compared to the garbage I liked during high school. Thankfully, I grew out of that nu-metal goth phase, broadening my horizons a little once I got to college.

Ridiculousness evidenced here, circa 2000 w/ my bff Jen.

My favorite band when I was 14 years old? Korn. Followed by Limp Bizkit, Deftones, Fear Factory, and System of a Down.

Anybody else remember this album?

You can take a second to laugh. I understand.

Finished? What's even worse, is I probably still know most of the words (grunts? screams?) to the songs. I made a point to learn all the particularly foul lyrics to a song called K@#Ø%! off the album pictured above about the singer's awful mother. I had the biggest crush on a guy who calls himself Munky. I am thoroughly embarrassed now, as all the girls who listen to Justin Beiber will probably feel 13 years from now. But I mean, 13 year olds are stupid. It's been proven by science.

When I was growing up, I had lots of friends whose parents didn't care or know what they were listening to. My parents were pretty strict on me though, it wasn't until my 16th birthday that I was gifted the right to listen to whatever I wanted. Doesn't mean it didn't come into the house via unmarked mixed tapes, haha. I had friends who made me tapes so that I could sneak them in without my parents knowing, and then I'd use headphones. Boy, was I clever. I'm sure they knew, though.

One specific memory I have is from when I was about 8 years old. I was singing the lyrics to Red Hot Chili Pepper's "Give it Away," and my Mom heard me, appalled. "Do you know what the lyrics are about in that song??" Nope, I sure didn't. It was catchy and on the radio ALL the time. "They're talking about giving SEX away." I don't remember what I said after that, but I'm sure I stammered out an apology of sorts and didn't bring it up again.

I sometimes wonder what music will be like in 13 years. Beeping renditions of Lady Gaga remixes? MOAR gangsta rap??? Who knows. But I do know that I'm going to try and play a part in what my children listen to. Yes, I intend to be the same kind of mother that my Mom was, because she did a damn fine job.

Of course now, I have the worst sailor mouth, but I slowly moved up to that. I evolved, dammit. (Insert dripping sarcasm.) But for serious, I don't want my children coming out of my womb singing "what I got you gotta get it put it in you." They have earn the right to listen to music like that, as I did.

And then, when they're 26, they'll think back laugh about all the horrible crap they put in their ears.

I will no longer let the guilt eat me alive

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 22:09:00 +0000

Today, while still in my pj's partially due to the fact that Atlanta is covered in sheets of snow and ice and partially because my son is going through a "mental leap" that has exhausted me to no end, I hold up my little white flag to breastfeeding.

I gave it a good run. In a week and a half, he'll be 5 months old. Of course, he's been supplementing with formula ever since he was a month old, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is ultimately the best decision for everyone in our family.

A few weeks ago, I discovered this blog Fearless Formula Feeder through another blog entry a friend wrote, and instead of going into serious detail about my process, I'll share the link and let that be that.

I just needed to put it out there so I can start the process of feeling less guilty. My favorite part of one of her entries was this:

By consciously trying to "get rid" of the guilt, you are telling yourself that you have something legitimate to feel guilty about. You don't. At the same time, you have a right to feel whatever you feel about your experience, and it's tough to shut out those ominous voices when you are already riddled with regret and anxiety. The last thing you need is to feel guilty about feeling guilty.

Here's to raising happy, healthy, LOVED babies.

The hierarchy of things in our house

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 13:50:00 +0000

Or: How on earth do Mommybloggers get anything done?

As I type this, it's 8:20am. Which means that at any second, Grayson could wake up for the morning, and I have to start his day. This isn't a bad thing, as I'm thoroughly enjoying being a mother. However, since his birth, the importance of things in the Velez house have become vastly skewed.

First things first - I am lucky enough that I get to shower almost every day. Typically I have to wake up earlier (7:00am on the dot, no matter how many times I woke up during the night), but it works.

Next, I try to see how many things I can get done before Grayson wakes up. Sometimes, I get a whole hour and a half, and sometimes I only get 20 minutes. Typically, there's laundry, dishes or something else that needs to get cleaned, so I try to drop a load of laundry, start the dishwasher if I didn't run it the night before, or sweep our kitchen floor that seems to always have dog hair rolling dust bunnies.

Once the boy's up, we start his morning - breakfast, change his clothes and play for a while. This has become my favorite time of day, because Every Single Day it seems as though he's learning something new. He's grasping for things, has discovered his feet, and giggles all the time. Usually by 10:30 or 11:00am is when I try to set him in his swing for a nap, and there are those rough days where I'm not successful at all, and nothing gets done.

During the nap, I have lunch, maybe shower if I didn't get a chance to earlier, pay bills, sneak a chance at Twitter or Facebook, switch out laundry and unload the dishwasher, or whatever else I can try to get to. If it's a successful day, he sleeps for another hour and a half or so, and I can maybe start prepping dinner or get to cleaning that toilet that hasn't been cleaned in over a month (don't judge me). Then he wakes up again and we start the morning routine all over again minus the clothes change.
Then hopefully, another afternoon nap so I can get more stuff around the house done. (Oscar has asked what exactly I do all day long, aside from take care of Grayson. Heh. The easy answer to this is anything and everything inside the 2,800ish square feet of this house.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I suppose if this entry had a point, it's this: How do other Moms find/make time for themselves? Every time he takes a nap, instead of saying, "hey, I'll go read my new Real Simple or paint my toenails, I'm thinking, "WHAT CAN I GET DONE!?" Seriously, right now, I even feel anxious about taking time to write out this silly blog entry as opposed to taking down my Christmas tree.

Do I need to learn to let things go (a FEAT, I assure you), is there some Mommy secret to getting things done that I'm unaware of? (And if it's not sleeping, eff that, cuz I tried it already.)

Resolutions for 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 20:21:00 +0000

I'm not sure if 2011 can top 2010. We officially became a family of three, and I have never loved anyone or anything so much in my entire life.

Anyway, here are some of my resolutions for 2011:

- Try at least one new recipe a month. This is a pretty big deal for me, considering this time last year the only recipes in my cooking repertoire were spaghetti and Velveeta Shells and Cheese.

- Be the best mom, wife, daughter, friend, and person I can be without compromising myself. My goal in 2011 is to re-discover what makes me tick - whatever that is.

- Be choosier about who I spend my time and energy on. I found out the hard way last year that some people just aren't worth it, no matter how hard you try. This year, I hope to be a little more aware of who genuinely wants my time, and who's just looking for a free handout.

- Curb my temper. I don't guess I need to add anything to this one. I am quick to anger and I need to work on that, especially before Grayson starts toddling around and getting into everything.

- Grow. Literally (new plants in our yard) and figuratively, and all that it implies.

Three cheers for a prosperous and happy new year!

Happy New Year! :)

A world of difference - 12-week mark

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 16:08:00 +0000

Yesterday was Grayson's 12-week milestone. Next week, he'll officially be three months old. They have been the longest and most labor-intensive months of my entire life, and yet, they've also flown by. I can't believe I've been a Mom for only three months, and already I know my son better than anyone else in the world.

Here's the lowdown on the past few weeks in the Velez house -

Sleeping - Just shortly after Halloween, Grayson started sleeping for consistent 5 and 6 hour stretches. That same week, we decided to start putting him in his crib, and this must have just clicked for him, because he's been sleeping soundly in his crib ever since. We start every night with a bath around 8:00 or so, and he gets a bottle after his bath and typically goes down for the night between 8:30 and 9:00. I think our saving grace is the Kiddopotamus Swaddleme wrap, which keeps him swaddled at night. Almost every night except for one or two, he doesn't wake up again until 2:00am (a few lucky nights it was 3:00), and I go into his room and feed him. He falls asleep eating, and doesn't usually make any noise until around 7:00 or so. I guess we're one of the lucky ones, because I spoke with an acquaintance at a baby shower yesterday whose baby is just a few weeks older than Grayson, and she said her son is still sleeping in a bassinet and waking up every 2-3 hours. I guess I should be thanking him every morning when he wakes up that his Momma and Daddy are finally feeling like normal human beings.

He takes a good long nap in the late mornings, usually from about 10:00 to Noon, which is which I get housecleaning, laundry and whatever else done. All naps are taken in the swing, where he seems to nap the longest. The swing is downstairs in our family room, which I can see from the kitchen and still get lots done. He typically takes another nap in the afternoon about 2:00, but the afternoon nap always varies.

Eating - During the day, I try to keep him full, so he eats every 3 hours. He's still nursing well, thankfully. I had a minor freak-out last week because my milk supply had dwindled, and the thought of not being able to feed my baby anymore made me panic. I immediately upped my water intake and started taking fenugreek tablets, which has seemed to help quite a bit. I have to drink 5-6 bottles of water each day in addition to my morning coffee, so I feel like I'm going to the bathroom every hour, but at least I'm home and have the ability to do that. The fenugreek tablets smell and taste just awful, like a weird maple syrup gone bad, but if they're the reason my milk supply has gone back up, then I'm OK with that.

Playtime - Once he's been fed, he's typically an absolute joy to be around. I can usually get a big toothless grin by blowing raspberries at him, or sticking out my tongue. He tries to copy me, and sometimes he succeeds, but usually, he just gives me funny faces. We've started to play a game where I gently lift his arms forward when he's laying on his back, and he tenses them up and pulls up his head simultaneously. It's a good way for him to work on his muscles since he absolutely detests tummy time. He's also really responsive to lights and music, so I really hope he grows up to be musically inclined in some way. (A Mom can dream, right?)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When I was still pregnant and during the first few weeks he was home, my Mom kept telling me that when she brought me home, she often wished she could've been pregnant for twelve months instead of dealing with the first three months. Honestly, I'd have to say I agree. I had a great pregnancy though, so I can say that. I'm looking forward to experiencing his other milestones. Pretty soon, he's going to figure out how to roll over, and he's slowly starting to discover his hands, which typically go directly into his mouth. (So will everything else, haha.)

I'll leave you with a short video I took this morning when I went in to get him. It's my favorite time of day, because I love watching him stretch after I take him out of his "baby straightjacket." :) (And don't pay any attention to my high-pitched Mommy babble, heh.)

Adjustments all around

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 16:36:00 +0000

Having a baby is life-altering change = Giant Understatement.

I think I've been struggling a little with the baby blues, or a mild, mild case of postpartum depression. It's difficult for me to even admit, because I feel like new moms are made to feel guilty about having the tiniest of negative feelings about motherhood or their baby. Most of the time, I am absolutely in love with my baby. Completely, ridiculously in the deepest love I have ever known. But sometimes, after I've been awake for an hour and a half in the middle of the night because he's screaming and nothing, not even the swing or food, seems to calm him, I scare myself. I am so frustrated and sleep-deprived that I've thought about just putting him down and leaving him there to scream.

Judge me if you want.

I feel especially guilty because I wanted this baby. I dreamed about this baby. I feel like I should never, ever get frustrated because there are women out there who are still unable to get pregnant and would give their left arm for the baby I have screaming in my arms.

I'm also having a difficult time adjusting to fully being a stay-at-home mom. I guess I didn't fully map out my expectations once the baby was born. I thought I'd stay home for the first two months or so, and then take a part-time job somewhere, just like that. I went out a few weeks ago and dropped my resume at a few ideal places where I'd love to work part-time. I even had an interview with a Starbucks location in Kennesaw. The interview went well, but the manager called me back last week and told me that although she really wanted to hire me, I didn't fit her needs as far as hours go. What I realized last week, is that, "just like that," such an idealistic approach to life isn't an option right now.

I took that news pretty hard. It meant I have to get used to the idea of fully depending on Oscar financially, and having a tiny person fully dependent on me. When I realized that, I felt incredibly stuck, like someone shoved me into a linen closet and locked the door. I felt like I didn't have any options, and I panicked. Thankfully, Oscar is incredibly supportive, and I was able to talk to him and let him know how I was feeling. It was hard to be brutally honest about the possibility of dealing with a little PPD, and worrying about how we will continue to support our family as it grows.

Knowing that other women have been exactly where I am at this moment helps. Knowing that his night wakings are (hopefully) just a short period in our life also helps. (Sleep deprivation does some scary things to an individual.) Finally, knowing that he can look up at my face and recognize my voice, then smile in response, is the best reward I could ever ask for.

Oh hello, Internet

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 18:51:00 +0000

If I thought trying to update was difficult before, boy was I misguided. I didn't have a 5-week old infant to contend with.

HELLO, most ridiculously-cute time-suck in the whole world.

But seriously, my day is now planned in 3-hour chunks. I plan everything around his eating and sleeping schedule, which hopefully in the next week or two will start to transform into a 24-hour schedule. He's getting better about night feedings, though. Oscar and I have discovered that if we give him a good-sized bottle (about 5 ounces) around 9:00pm, he typically sleeps until 1:00am or so. Then, he eats again, and if he's a good boy, goes back down around 2:00am. If not, then 2:30, or 3:00. Usually, by 3:00, if he's not down, he eats again, and he'll go to sleep. Then he usually wakes up around 5:30 or 6:00am and eats again, and then lets us sleep until 8:00am.

This has been the system for the last few days.

I've also discovered that I can get much more done if I stick him in his Moby Wrap and just wear him around the house. He also sleeps longer, because he haaaates being put on his back.

I'm reading all about why this is so in The Happiest Baby on the Block. Apparently, it's the Moro Reflex, which causes babies to think that they're falling. They flail their little arms because they feel like they're falling when placed on their backs. Of course, he's still too teeny for me to put him to sleep on his stomach or side, so, if I want to get anything done during the day, he goes into the wrap. I love the feeling of being able to wear him (it's much like being pregnant again), and I love how content he is in it, too.

It's getting easier, though. Soon enough, I hope to actually write a coherent post, but for now, I'll just have to settle for ramblings in between naps and laundry loads.

First post post-baby

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:56:00 +0000

I'm currently writing this post on about 5 hours of sleep without any form of caffeine, so forgive me in advance.

Parenthood is and is nothing like I thought it would be.

I expected the sleepless nights, but I didn't expect that I wouldn't care much. I look into his sweet little face and I can't even imagine being mad at him.

The minute my doctor put him on my chest I burst into uncontrollable happy tears. I was so overwhelmed that after 14 and a half hours, plus 9 months of waiting, plus 10 months of trying to conceive, he was finally here.

I also didn't realize I would bond with him as quickly as I did. I was/am dead set on breastfeeding because of all the benefits, but I was scared I'd do it wrong, or he wouldn't latch well, etc. The nurses at my hospital (Northside Cherokee in Canton), were so supportive and so fantastic and they helped soothe my fears and almost immediately worked out a system that seems to work well for me and the baby. I also have a lactation consultant's number ready in the event that I have any unanswered questions. I'm so glad I did all sorts of reading while I was pregnant, though. I was so determined to stay informed that I think I almost over-informed myself (is that even possible?), so I feel like I had a pretty good idea of what to expect as far as feedings go.

I went to my 1-week checkup yesterday, and the doctor says I'm healing well. They had basically ordered me to stay as close to bedrest as possible, and I wasn't allowed to drive or lift anything heavier than the baby himself, which is very close to the same orders they give c-section Moms. I'm a little different, as I didn't have a c-section, but I did have a pretty nasty tear (4th degree, but don't Google unless you really want to know). I didn't actually find this out until the next day, (last Monday), after I realized that my nurses were so vigilant about bringing me percocets. When I inquired if they're this generous to all the maternity ward patients, she said, "We just want to make sure you're comfortable, given that you had such a major tear." When I asked her what she was talking about, she explained to me that the doctor opted to give me an episiotomy, but when I was pushing the little guy out, he pretty much ripped me apart anyway. Nothing I could really do about it. I had no idea, and when she told me, I became really emotional and worried. It sounded so scary, but I had gone almost a full day without realizing what had actually happened.

After reading this post and this post about post-baby care for me, I had a fairly good idea of what was going on with my body, and how to manage, but I didn't know specifically what had happened to me until a full day after I'd given birth, and I certainly hadn't planned for that particular outcome.

A week later, my stitches are starting to heal, and I've officially been granted the permission to drive myself around again. It doesn't really bother me much, because every time I think about why I have the stitches in the first place, I completely forget that they're there.

Last week I started working on my birth story, mostly just to keep for myself so that I don't ever forget that day. I am so ridiculously in love that I feel like with every step, my heart is going to just bust open. It's a completely different kind of love than I've ever felt before, and I'm amazed at my ability to love him more and more each day.

Two weeks to go

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 13:50:00 +0000

Today marks my 38th week of being pregnant. According to the doctor that I saw 2 weeks ago, the baby could come any day now. This is equally parts scary and exciting at the same time. Oscar's parents are home from their vacation safe and sound, and so the baby has been given the 10-4 on his entry into the world.

People are asking me daily now how I'm feeling, and that's nice. I have to admit though, every time I respond with, "nothing yet," I get a little discouraged. Every twinge I feel has me wondering if it's time, and I have to remind myself to be patient, because he will come out eventually.

I figured since I have no real idea of when he will come, that I would do a pregnancy round-up of sorts:

Week 38:

Total pounds gained: 24-25lbs, depending on the time of day.

Current produce size: Watermelon. Baby's come a long way from the little mango status a few months ago.

Current favorite food: Pretty much everything sounds good to me right about now. These last few weeks, if I don't have a snack every 2-3 hours, I get shaky and very, very cranky. I've always got a granola bar in my purse or a piece of cheese in my hand.

Current favorite activity: Vacuuming. The house is never. clean. enough. A close second is standing in the doorway of the nursery, just surveying the room. I imagine me sitting in the glider rocking him to sleep or on the floor with books and toys scattered about.

Current thoughts: The baby can't stay in there forever. Worst case, I'll get to see his little face in about 3 weeks. I just have to remind myself each day to be patient and enjoy the couple-time Oscar and I have left.

Current song lyrics that describe everything I'm feeling:
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
And it may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is (when) while you're in the world

I had a point when I started this post, but I think I ended up rambling...

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 20:46:00 +0000

The internet has introduced me to some pretty freakin' cool people. Sometimes, I get more excited to hear from my blogging and Twitter friends than I do my real-life friends. Not because I don't love my real-life friends, but since I have a tendency to seek out like-minded people on the Internet, I have a lot more in common with various other groups I've joined.

Case in point: A few years ago, when I was planning my wedding, I stumbled on the awesomeness that is Weddingbee. I fell in love. If you're not familiar, it's an online community with bloggers, "Bees," who write all about their wedding planning, down to every detail. I read it every. single. day. until I got married, and then the necessity really wasn't there anymore. My favorite bloggers all had their own personal websites too, so I ended up following their personal blogs and followed along with their lives that way. Total strangers, mind you. Most didn't/still have no idea who I am, but I feel a kinship with them for one reason or another. Three or four of them ended up getting pregnant around the same time I did, so it's been an absolute blast to share our first pregnancies together.

I really wanted to be a Bee, and I even signed up to be one, but alas, it wasn't a good fit, I guess. I think now more than ever I'm so grateful that I have my internet posse as a resource for all my burgeoning questions. Sometimes, it comes back to bite me in the ass, but for the most part, by using Twitter and my own blog research, I've made some pretty amazing internet "friends", especially now that I've delved headfirst into the realm of Mommyblogs.

I love the camaraderie I have with complete strangers. It makes me feel like even though I'm at home almost all day by myself, that I have people I can relate to. And that's a nice feeling. I guess really, when it all boils down, it's the reason I still blog.

PSA for those interested -

noreply@blogger.com (Ashley) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 13:22:00 +0000

Announcing the Pure Romance "Oh Baby!" Sale -

Since I'm expecting my first baby any day now, I wanted to shower all my favorite customers with a 40% off EVERYTHING I have in stock! Order by next Wednesday, August 18th at 12:00pm and get everything in your order for 40% off! (Orders must be placed by phone or email so I can assure you get your discount.) Go online to check out the products - www.pureromance.ashleyvelez.com, and call or email me to place your order! ashleyvelez@pureromance.com or 770-843-0220.

Tell your friends, and don't forget to take advantage of this amazing sale!