Grace by Faith

Blessed is she who believed The Lord would fulfill His promises to her.-Luke 1:45

2013-07-25T23:46:00.001-05:00

Starting nursing school has been a dream of mine for quite some time. I give all glory to God for placing me in this opportunity to live out this dream and I fully intend to use this as an opportunity to minister to the broken that I may came into contact with along the way.

At first, I was worried about being a mother, a wife, and trying to keep the bills current while I embarked on this adventure. After many prayers those nerves seem to have calmed, for now. Many more prayers will be said over these concerns for the next two years. And I welcome all prayer warriors to join in those prayers with much appreciation!

My next worry was finding someone that was going through this just as I was. Someone that understood all that this was going to require. All the time, the energy, the lack of sleep, the gray hair and the shattered nerves we will have through this. Someone to study with, practice skills with, and someone that would be a lifelong friend and fellow nurse after this journey is complete. Once again, after some prayer, God showed his faithfulness again!

God always places people in your life just when you seem to need them the most. He just so happened to find someone much like myself that is tackling this new chapter with full determination and dedication, to place in my life. I am so very thankful for her and I pray that all of our hard work will not go unnoticed! That through this new chapter in our lives we not only accomplish our goals and graduate successful nurses but that we remain guiding lights for each other, always encouraging and supporting each other, and making the most of this time.

I am so grateful in this moment. I feel very blessed. All of which I owe to God for His grace and love. Many thanks.

#rn2015

A Poem for Student Nursing Moms!

2013-07-25T18:26:00.001-05:00

Our home is seldom very clean
The meals are not as good
And we don’t take a bath,
As we ordinarily would.

The hamper is overflowing,
The ironing is seldom done,
And the socks that were neatly in the drawer,
Are practically down to none.

She was a model mother,
The house was shiny and bright,
She was so even-tempered,
And a perfect “guiding light”.

But all that now has changed,
Dust “neath the bed does pool”,
Where is that wonderful mother?
Why Mother goes to school!

She has no time for cleaning,
We kids must do our best,
We’re having eggs for dinner,
Cause Mom is having a test!

She got a terrible longing,
A nurse she wanted to be,
So she nagged our dad for tuition
And the poor guy had to agree!

So every morning she packs her books
And walks out of the door,
We’d like to try and stop her,
But we’re sticking to the floor!

We take our vitamins and drink our juice,
Cause it would be terribly cruel,
If we caught a cold and fever
And Mother couldn’t go to school!

So if you’re in the hospital,
And on your back you lie
If you happen to see a student nurse

Tell Mom we all said – Hi

Learning Lessons.

2013-07-25T00:10:00.001-05:00

I remember thinking as a kid that I would get to a point in my life where I didn't have to "learn" anymore. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Life is full of lessons to be learned. Some very hard and others almost too easy. If you know me personally, follow my blog, or keep up with my Facebook you have probably picked up on the fact that life is just now slowing down for us. The last few years have been quite the roller coaster. There were so many lessons learned during those few years but none greater than lessons learned when I have opened my whole heart, closed my mouth, and opened my ears to what God has been trying to tell me.

I have made many decisions in my life, none of which I regret, all of which have taught me something very valuable.

Current life lesson. Moving on. Moving passed the hurt and pain of those who have tried desperately to tear me down the last few years. Moving passed all the "bad" that has happened in my life the last few years. While I still wear a smile and my heart is still bigger than Texas, I hurt on the inside and often from the actions of people who claimed to have "loved" me and walked away, on, or around me when I needed them the most.

That hurt all ends today. I gave it up. I left it all behind. I am moving on!

For the first time in 3 years I finally feel like my life is going in the direction that I wanted it to. I know that it was all part of God's plan, and that He knew what I was capable of handling. So now the time has come to give up what I cannot change. Have no regrets, for all of these circumstances have made me who I am today. Be grateful and gracious to those around me and love even my worst enemy as Christ loves me.

I am fulfilling my dreams now, now its about making my dreams come true and making the life for my family what I, along with God, want it to be! Here's to moving on and learning lessons!

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don'tmatter and those who matter don't mind!"- Dr. Seuss

2013-07-24T11:26:00.000-05:00

Words.

There are many ways in which one can choose to interpret words. Words have many definitions and there are many feelings behind the ways in which they are used.

Saying I love you, for example, can have many meanings. Love like Christ loves, love like you love your spouse or children, love like you love your friends or enemies. Love like your favorite outfit, piece of art, or those new shoes still in the box!

Like spoken words, written words are often even harder to interpret. You can't see the smile or tears that someone may be donning while writing these words. You can't hear the emotion behind what is being "said".

I love to write. This blog is like a journal, only open to the public. A place I can try to put into words all the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that I am currently feeling. Sometimes I can portray those feelings perfectly and sometimes I may stumble to get out exactly what I am trying to "say". Nonetheless, it is written words. And written words have many meanings. How I feel about what I am writing may not be how the reader may understand it. Either way, I am the author, I am not perfect, and my words are feelings from within that only I can truly understand.

Often I am asked why I share the most private of my thoughts with the world. I feel like I have nothing to hide, and if nothing else there may be someone out there that can relate to the emotions and stories. Again, while one could possibly relate, they still may not know just why those words are written. I tend to be overly open, and very candid. Nothing staged or posed therefore leaving raw thought to be digested. And sometimes that raw thought, is not digested the way in which it was intended. But, that is the controversy with both spoken and written word.

Many ways, many different ways words, like humans can be understood or misunderstood.

"You must be strong"

2013-07-22T16:12:00.001-05:00

Said the lady in line behind me at Wal-Mart.

I can still hear my husbands chuckle when she followed that statement up by "you look so sweet, but you have to be strong." His reply, "she is very strong." I am quite sure his chuckles were more because she said I looked sweet. Who me? Of course!

All of this banter coming from a conversation with Jake that started over her donning a pair of scrubs. This lady works at Terrell State Hospital. We began small talk in line about how I have a degree in psychology and now I am going to nursing school. And that I could be seeing her next semester or at some point in my studies to complete a clinical round there. She asked if I had any experience in psychiatric hospitals and when I told her that I did a clinical round at the maximum security psychiatric prison just outside Lubbock her jaw hit the ground. Yes ma'am not only did I have to do a clinical round there but I had to counsel there, in the pediatric and adolescent wing. Yes, there was a children's wing in this facility.

I would agree that one could think of someone able to complete such tasks would have a heart of stone, I however do not. I would also agree that semester of undergraduate studies showed me just what my heart was made of, mush. Between the rounds at the psychiatric prison and the rounds at the children's hospital I should have taken out stock in Kleenex. Lord knows I gave them a lot of my hard earned money those 6 months.

I don't have a heart of stone. I am not strong. I am actually a cry baby who wears my feelings and emotions on my sleeves. A true sap, at its finest. I guess you could say I just have a knack for working with troubled and sick children. I always have. Does it hurt my heart of mush? Absolutely. Because not only do I have a heart of mush, I also have a heart for children in general. All children. I would own a house large enough to take in every orphan both domestic and international if the good Lord gave it to me.

It always strikes me differently when I hear people say, "you must be strong", after hearing some of my stories. Some see it as strong, I just see it as having no other way.

Truth is: I miss you, friends.

2013-07-22T15:35:00.003-05:00

Friendships have been heavy on my heart since late last year.

I will be the first to admit that I sucked at them last year, and it was made clear to me through a great friend that I did. I cannot say I am sorry enough but I am trying with every fiber in my being to be the friend that I have always been.

What is heavy on my heart is that my attempts seem to fall on deaf ears. I have tried to let it go and move on but to no avail. You can't just let go of great friends like that, or at least I can't.

I read a Facebook post last week that said something along the lines of swallowing our pride and telling those friends that we love them and we miss them. Truth is, I do. I miss all my friends and I love them all dearly.

Some live so far away, some have grown in a different direction, and some are as wrapped up in life as I always seem to be. Either way I do miss them.

I always thought that when I got married and had children that I wouldn't necessarily be concerned with how many friends I had or how often I seen them or if we got together often. I knew there would come a point that we would all be wives and mothers and that getting together as often as we use to would not be as easy. Another truth, even when life is messy you still need your friends.

Girlfriends seem to know what to say, when to say it, and when you need them the most. Or at least all of mine always did. I have those kind of girlfriends that even after months of not talking we can usually pick up where we left off, problem is I haven't seen some of them in so long I forgot where we left off. No one to blame, everyone is just growing, and everyone is just busy. Another truth, I hate that life is so busy you can't just sit and visit with those you cherish, often. There is always somewhere to be or something to do. I hate the empty feeling after loosing touch with great friends.

I came across this today, and it hit close to my heart.

Truth is, I miss my very best friend.

Truth is, I am not the greatest friend.

Truth is, I still miss you, and I will always love you.

Another truth. I will continue to pray that God will restore friendships. That he will mend the broken hearted and that friendships will flourish again. I will pray for new friendships to continue to grow and never get stale. I will pray that those girlfriends of mine will come to know how much I love them and how much I miss them.

I miss you, friends.

Back on Track.

2013-07-21T15:22:00.004-05:00

This morning, while at church, God really spoke to my heart.

I have been attempting to handle many battles on my own lately, and failing at best. I have morphed into the society around me and unintentionally walked a few steps away from Him. It is often times that we find ourselves running to Him only when we need his grace. Luckily He never strays and He is always consistent in our failures. This is not who I want to be. Several years ago I made the choice to give my life up to Christ and lately I feel like I have given my life up for everything but Him.

Today, God moved me. It is time to get back on track.

I have prayed for Him to make himself alive in me, to push me to be His hands and feet and for His light to shine so bright within me that all those who come to know me, know Him.

I pray that I develop more in His presence. That the light within is used to shine upon those that need to know there are greater things in the presence of the Lord. In this world you will face many challenges, all will test your faith, and the light of Christ within you.

Through God's grace, we can overcome these challenges and we can live in full joy. We must seek first to commit to the grace of God. We must speak and act in a way that humbles us, for we are honoring Him. We must also remember that we are often the only Bible some will ever see or hear.

I am honored to serve a God that is so forgiving. Who knows we will fall off the right track, we will stray away, but He remains the same.

It is time to get back on track. At a time when I need Him most, He is there, speaking into my heart and bringing me to my knees.

I can't do this on my own.

I hope now you see.

2013-07-21T14:14:00.001-05:00

...what this journey is all about.

I hope now you see that during the trials and tribulations of my child's sicknesses that I was in no way intentional in my distance from you.

I hope now you see that I did need you, I did long for my friend during this time. However, I was too emotionally drained to call out to you. And my duty as his mother was more important to me than my duty to you as a friend. Not that this friendship doesn't me the world to me, but being a mother was also something I dreamed about, much like you.

Above all, I hope now you see the joys, the heartbreak, the emotionally draining and nerve racking roller coaster that motherhood brings you.

Something you dream of for so long, you have desires and plans; and in a moment those desires have turned to fears, those dreams change, and those plans are nothing like you have ever imagined. This is life with a "sick" child. This is life as a mom.

While no two children are the same, no two stories are the same, and no two experiences can ever be compared. None greater or worse than the other in the eyes of a mother. The heart of a mother suffers far greater than those around her.

I hope now you see how much I really did need you, but how much my baby needed me too...

I just hope now you see how much your friendship means to me, above all. I hope you enjoy this blessing of new life, even when it's hard. I hope you know that I will always understand how different life is now, for you and for our friendship.

I hope now you see, I do love you.

This new season.

2013-07-16T23:38:00.002-05:00

I have come to realize that life never settles down. That it is filled with always changing seasons. When you start to settle, another season comes. This is a new season.

I am overwhelmed with emotions, physical and emotional exhaustion.

So much to be grateful for, blessed I am.

Yet, my heart hurts and my days are filled with worry, stress, and doubt. All things God tells us not to do. We are suppose to lean not on our own understanding but on Him.

This new season is hard. Nothing I can't handle, and I have been dealt with a little worse, but this season is hard, nonetheless.

How could someone so strong, be so weak? How could someone that took care of so many, now need so many to care for her? How could someone who could run circles around most 4 year olds, now barely walk?

This new season is hard.

My sweet nanny is one of a kind. She has endured a life that most couldn't. She is the most humble, hard working person I know. She is a precious soul and she holds my heart in the palm of her hand.

She has become tired, she is weak, and her body is filled with an obstacle course of conditions that leave us praying for another day. We know in our hearts that we must put our faith first and we must not doubt our Gods plan, but this new season is hard.

Simple tasks such as eating, sleeping, and just breathing; things most of us take for granted, have become a struggle. She is started to feel trapped in her own home and frustrated that she can't do anything for herself. With this frustration comes a great deal of pain. Pain in all of our hearts, the longing for our sweet nanny to be able to do all those things she once did. Including picking switches from the cedar trees to whip us with.

Between the chemo treatments, the battle for more oxygen in her body, and the unforgiving pain; there are moments of laughter. Those moments to be cherished for the days ahead. Many memories have been shared and many talks have been had. None greater than this time with her.

This new season is hard.

I love you, nanny. With every fiber of my being. I pray for you daily. I pray for our family to get through this time. I pray for my mother, as the pain this causes her is undefinable. I pray for comfort and many more days with you. I just pray for you.

This new season is hard.

Life update.

2013-05-10T00:00:00.002-05:00

i have taken quite the hiatus from the blogger world lately. many things have taken precedent over the time it takes to put the multiple post it notes of "let-me-write-about-this" into words. so here goes the annoyingly long life update.

jacob.
jacob is now 4. where in the world has my tiny human gone? he is now morphing into a little man. gross. he is deep into his first ever season of tball and let me just say, that is quite entertaining. a couple of weeks ago i marched my little man into big school. holy moly, this momma was not ready for that. jay and i have decided to put him into a small private school close to our house (and hopefully next door to my nursing school). since he has been out of a structured school setting since late december we also decided on starting him with pre k instead of waiting another year and going straight into kinder. i had to take him for his placement test where he had to sit with his new teacher, Ms. Judy, for 45 minutes and answer a series of questions and complete a series of tasks. i was a worried, nervous wreck about taking him into her class and leaving him for that long. he hasn't left my side for the last 4 months. he, however, was perfectly fine. he walked in, pulled out a chair, sat down, looked at me with the sweetest little eyes, and said "bye mom". i most definitely walked out with tears rolling down my face and sat in the car for the next 20 minutes bawling like a newborn baby. this is normal, right?! the last 20 minutes i spent thanking God that he was comfortable enough to walk in tell me bye. that game some peace. the next 5 minutes i spent closely watching the door and waiting on my little man to emerge from that building and come racing to my car. oh goodness, august, please come slowly. my heart is not ready for my baby to be this big, yet.

us.
i am currently still staying home with jacob and i have thoroughly enjoyed every.last.minute. of it. i am not looking forward to august when he goes off to school all day. hopefully i will be in school too and too consumed with that to not really notice, highly doubtful but wishful thinking is always good. as most know i applied to nursing school in september. i found out in march that i was #9 on the alternate list to get in. so, i am still waiting. the counselor seems to be pretty positive that i am a shoe in, however, i am trying to just be patient. those that know me, know this is no small feat for me. sticking close to jeremiah 29:11 now more than ever.
jay is working his tail off, literally. it is starting to warm up out there and this is the time of year our life together is greatly hindered by the the industry of golf and the texas heat. "we now interrupt this marriage for golf." no just kidding, well kind of. he works from before sun up, to almost sun down daily now. he is so tired and exhausted all the time. there is not much that beats a hard working man.
us, all is well in our world. all is well.

life.
life is ever so demanding and full of crazy. i keep waiting for the day that it will slow down and we can catch a break, doesn't seem like that will happen until, well, ever. but, no matter how crazy, messy, ugly this life can be, i try to remind myself that it can always be worse. reminding myself daily how blessed we are and how much we have to be thankful for. praying for more positive thinking in the days ahead.

excuse the hiatus. i am back.

just too tired to go back and recount every detail since the last post. lets just pick up from here and stay connected.

remember....have a little faith

He's coming home.

2013-03-29T02:15:00.002-05:00

My brother is coming home.

For good.

Two days before my birthday.

There is simply no greater birthday present anyone could give me than the peace of mind knowing that I never have to sit by the phone and wait day by day, hour by hour, for a phone call from Afghanistan, ever again.

He may be a little broken, have a little more to deal with than when he left, and be a lot more grown than he should be at the ripe ol' age of 21, but I will take whatever I can get, just knowing he's coming home.

My house may be extra full with two more adults and two more dogs, but I will swing the doors wide open, wash the sheets on the guest bed, move stuff out of closets, and make room for all four of them a thousand times over, as long as he's coming home.

My heart sings and dances inside my chest as I sit here and think about him never having to miss another event with Jacob. No more missed birthdays, no missed baseball games, no missed little moments that we have all been able to share. Just being able to play with his nephew on a daily basis, priceless.

It's not just that he's coming home, but she is too. I have missed them both so much. I could not be happier that my two greatest friends are coming home. I look forward to being close again, to our children growing up together, and to having our friends back!!

Today will be a GREAT day!

Vineyard at Florence

2013-03-27T01:40:00.001-05:00

In February we celebrated our first year of marriage by taking a little mini getaway trip to The Vineyard at Florence.

This place was magical. From the moment we arrived we were treated like family. Everyone was very friendly and made our weekend so special.

When we arrived on Friday we picked up our keys to our amazing villa for the weekend. We loved it so much we decided our next house would resemble it's features as closely as possible.

We got settled, turned on all 3 of our fireplaces, opened a bottle of champagne while enjoying some chocolate covered strawberries that were all left in our room for us!

That evening we had the most incredible dinner at the winery, the food was to die for and I even got Jay to branch out and try new things!

Saturday we woke up with massages and I got a facial and had lunch at the winery! Then we took a private tour of the winery and did a wine tasting in the tasting room. I didn't too much care for their wines, but their Sangria was delicious! We spent the afternoon and the evening in our villa just relaxing, and reconnecting away from all that is our "normal" day to day life.

If you know us, you know that nothing is ever "typical" with anything that we do. Especially trips or major milestone events. We spent our first New Years together in aisle 6 at Wal-Mart stocking up on items for our new house, well, I think we have topped that. Our anniversary package didn't come with dinner on Saturday night, it was the only meal not in our weekend retreat package. In our villa the winery had provided us with a list of local places to dine. So, we ventured out to find these. Keep in mind that Florence, TX is a very, very small town and probably one of the poorest towns I have ever been in. The winery is really a hidden gem in this little town.

We drove a little way and found the places listed but there was no way we were going to eat at ANY of them. They were that bad. There wasn't even a grocery store. Not to mention our villa only had a small fridge and a microwave. We did however pass a Dollar General on the way to find these dinning places and thought we could at least find us something to microwave for dinner.

Here is a list of our very romantic dinner options: chili, cheese, crackers, mac & cheese, ice cream...you know the staples. We thought our fridge had a little freezer part but got back to realize that it did not. We had to eat our ice cream first before fixing our delicious feast for dinner. This is definitely one of those "for the books" memories to share with our children when they are older! The next time we come, because we will be back, we know to prepare our own food to bring with us!

Sunday we slept in and had our last incredible meal at the winery before heading home.

We highly recommend this place to everyone. It is nothing short of amazing and a great way to enjoy your spouse and reconnect away from it all! We will be going back for years to come!

Almost Over.

2013-03-26T23:19:00.001-05:00

The wait is almost over.

I should know on Friday if I will be joining the 2015 Nursing class at TVCC.

This has been the most brutal waiting process, ever. I applied in September. That is a long time to wait on a dream come true.

My stomach as been in knots for the last 2 weeks. I can't sleep and I keep my email open at all times just waiting on the news. I have been dreaming of being a nurse since my last semester in college.

I sat out for a college career that would land me in medical school and I was determined to become a pediatrician. Somewhere along the way I got distracted and ended up married my last semester of college and a doctor telling me that my chances of having children were slim to none and I better get started.

So I settled for working on a teaching certificate and becoming a mom. One of these decisions was the best I have ever made, the other, not so much. I did the teaching gig for 3 years and while I loved the kids my experience was awful. Every year that I taught I had a major life changing situation happen. I think that was God's way of telling me, nope this isn't for you.

Shortly after the teaching ended the office job begin. Let me just say, that's not my gig either. That's all I will say about that.

Realizing that I would never be happy until I was working in a hospital, I finished the prereq's needed to apply to nursing school. I know me, and I know my love for having a family and going back to attempt medical school now, 10 years later is not in the cards. So, I will gladly take on nursing school and obtain the same dream.

My last semester of college I was a child life therapist intern on the PICU and oncology floor of the children's hospital in Lubbock. That was by far the greatest experience of my life. I might have cried every day as I pulled out of the parking garage, but the days where I watched a little one do their last round of chemo, ever, priceless. That is when I knew this was exactly where I belonged.

God, however, had different plans for me the last 5 years. I like to think He was waiting to give me the opportunity to chase my dreams, His timing is everything.

Now, as I sit in prayer for the next few days and wait on that email, I hope this is His timing and His will. I pray that I am about to finally accomplish my dreams and use my career to minister to those I come into contact with along the way!

I wonder, who you'd be today.

2013-03-19T01:08:00.000-05:00

March 19th.

Another day my heart hurts. Another day of tears. Another day to remember you, and know you are no longer here.

Today you turn, 30.

I met you when you were 23. You were young, full of life, and carefree. You left this Earth at 27. Still young, still full of life, and still carefree.

I wonder who you'd be today. I wonder if you would still be young, full of life, and carefree? I wonder if you would have accomplished any more of your dreams? Would you have become the man you always thought you would be? Would you have been on anymore deployments, or would that journey have ended? Would you have finally finished college? What would your relationship with Jacob be like? What would our relationship look like? I wonder who you'd be today.

I never realized how hard this day would be. In the last 2 years it hasn't been as hard as it is this year. Maybe because this year is a milestone birthday? Maybe because you have been heavy on my heart the last few weeks? Maybe because it's just one of those "seasons"? Whatever the reason, it hurts.

I know your celebration in heaven is far greater than any celebration you would ever have here. I know you and your grandfather and causing pure chaos today for the big man, try not to set anything on fire and stay out of trouble.

With Jacob's birthday in just 6 short days, it breaks my heart that the two of you can't celebrate your days together. It hurts knowing that your family has enjoyed the last 2 and soon to be 3 of Jacob's birthdays and you haven't been here for any of them. Just not fair. Stay close this week, celebrate with us.

I will never forget the first birthday of yours that we celebrated together. We had only been dating a few short months. We had watched "Finding Nemo" a few nights before and we quickly became known as "Squishy and Squish". The day before your birthday I had went to pick you up a card, the Nemo DVD (partly as a joke), and a few other things you wanted for your birthday. Bullets, Twizzlers, and a huge display of blue cupcakes with a giant Nemo in the middle, all the essentials for a 24 year old.I had them laid out on my bar in my apartment and the next day after class when you came over we got a good laugh, and enjoyed a few cupcakes before going to dinner. From then on you were my Squishy, I thought you would always be mine. I never thought life would have been taken from you so fast. I never thought 6 short years later, I would be celebrating your life without you.

You may be physically gone, but your memories will forever live on. Tonight my family is going to dinner to celebrate your life. I am sure there will be a few tears shed and a few laughs shared. Stories will be bountiful and memories will be plenty.

Walk with me the rest of the week, stay close, celebrate with us.

I will always wonder, who you'd be today.

Happy 30th birthday, Squishy.
I Love you still, always have, always will.
XOXO
Squish

You are forgiven.

2013-03-04T23:09:00.001-06:00

Yesterday our sermon at church was about forgiveness.

If you are in Him, you will never be more forgiven than you are right now. How incredible is that? I find it utterly amazing that our God is so great, not just now, but always. Even before we came to existence we existed in Him. He knew we were coming, He knew we would sin, He gave his all for us. His blood shed on the cross gives us unending mercy and covers us in grace. Amazing grace. To know that He understands that I am not perfect, that I fail and will often, and that He has already forgiven me for that failure.....breathtaking.

While I was fully enthralled in the sermon, I couldn't help but think about the forgiveness of people in our lives. We are human, we fail. And I will be the first to admit that I down right suck at times. I have failed miserably at many things. The one thing I couldn't help think about the entire time was this: What if the people near and dear to our hearts truly forgave us when we failed them the way that Christ forgave us?

I think it is easy for us to forgive someone who has failed us, but why is the starting over and the moving on so hard? And in the grand scheme of things, we are suppose to love as Christ loves us. Forgiving of our sins, and failures, loving unconditionally, never turning His back, and being there when we need him, even if it takes a while for us to come to Him. He doesn't judge us, He doesn't resent us, He doesn't leave us.

I am guilty of holding a grudge or walking away from people when I should be running toward them. Instead of walking away I wish I would have given them the love that Christ gave me. I find myself mesmerized by the love of some of my friends. I have a handful of girls, and by handful I mean 4, literally, that I know I can pick up the phone any time day or night and they will talk to me. It doesn't matter what is going on in my life, in their life or how long it has been since I have talked to them. They are there. I know, I have failed them. I have not been the best friend that I can be and at times they have given me far more than I have deserved. Their unconditional love and friendship means the world to me and they know that.

It warms my heart to know that I can live roughly 6 hours away from three of them and only about 20 minutes from the other and no matter how often I see either of them, I know they are there. Two of them came into my life very early in my college career and the other two came into my life in the last 3 years. We can talk every day about anything and everything, or we can talk once every 6 months and I know at the end of the day they are some of the sweetest, kindest, bestest, friends that I have. They have never judged me, left me, or walked away when I needed them the most. They often came running full force, never allowing me to forget them. And when I didn't respond to their steadfast approach, they knew, they understood, they were still there, even if it took months and even a few years later. And, still they were forgiven of my faults, of my running away from them when they were simply trying to be there for me when I needed them. I am so very grateful they never gave up, they never held a grudge, they still love unconditionally, just as Christ loves us all. For these sweet friends I am eternally grateful.

Another thought that ran through my head the entire day, what if we were forgiving to those in our lives like our children are forgiving of us? Or like our parents were to us when we were children? As parents we often do things that seem like epic failures and pure disappointments to our children, but they are always unconditionally loving and forgiving. As children we often disappointed our parents by things we got into, but at the end of the day we were still their children and they love us and forgive us unconditionally.

Unconditional love and forgiveness.

I have prayed about this the last two nights and know that I am asking God to walk with me as I attempt to run full force toward the ones I love when they need it most, and forgive those that have failed me as He has forgiven me....

My heart is full knowing that I serve a God that understands that I will fail, but he is there to catch me when I do and that I have family and friends that give unconditional love and forgiveness even when I don't deserve their grace.

6 AM Flowers & A Ring!

2013-02-24T01:04:00.000-06:00

So, if you know the events of my life the last month, you know I no longer work and thoroughly enjoy sleeping in with my little fella until around 10am and then staying in my yoga pants and baggy t-shirt 'til around 2pm when Jay text to let us know he is on his way home.

Now, don't get confused, just because I have not made myself decent all day doesn't mean that I haven't been productive. It is amazing what all was piled up on my list of things to do that I never seemed to have time to do. In fact, I have so much time on my hands I don't know what to do with myself. I sometimes lack the motivation needed to finish half of these already started, but can't figure out which one to finish first, projects.

If you read the last blog post, here, you know that Valentine's is also our anniversary and this year was our first. I had been asking Jay what our plans were going to be this year with gifts because I knew we were going on a little weekend retreat and didn't know what else was in the plans. I guess that really is the fun of it all because I was wonderfully surprised!

It is not uncommon for Jay to leave the house before the sun comes up for work, set the alarm, get to his car and realize that he left his wallet in the desk drawer. So, he will call me to come turn off the alarm and bring him his wallet. Keep in mind that at this time of morning, I DO NOT have a pulse and I am literally a walking zombie.

All this gab & background detail to tell you that my oh so precious husband woke me up at 6am on Valentine's morning. The phone rang and it was one of those sad, puppy dog, pouty, I am so very sorry to be waking you up voices on the other end of the line. "Hey babe, sorry, I left my wallet in the desk." I am pretty sure I had no other response other than to hang up, shuffle over to the desk drawer and then to the garage door. The whole time I am stepping on and over a long train of white, long stem roses, and didn't even notice.

When I opened the back door there stood Mr. Tinsley with the other half of the dozen roses in his hands, a giant grin on his face, and "Happy Anniversary, my love" spilling from his lips. Now, if that is not the best way to wake up, I don't know what is (even at 6am). It was freezing cold, he was shivering, I was half dead, and then made me open a box. Inside the box was a beautiful crystal vase for the flowers and 2 cards. Before opening the 2 cards, we made our way back inside the house because the cold was more than either of us could bare at this point. Once inside he was surprised me with another little box. This time, much smaller. Inside....my wedding band. HE WENT TO JARED'S!

I am very thankful for this man and his 6am wake up call on this very special day. He never ceases to amaze me with the amount of effort he puts into everything he does.

The rest of the day was filled with many long naps, playing with Jacob, and take out because the next morning we were off on a weekend retreat, just the 2 of us!

The First Year.

2013-02-14T00:49:00.002-06:00

One year ago, February 14, 2012, while the rest of the world was getting flowers delivered to work, opening boxes of chocolates, and reading super sweet, mushy, cards about love.....I was marrying my best friend.

One year ago, I married the man that took my hand in the midst of chaos and reassured me that everything was going to be okay, set my feet back on the ground, filled my heart with joy, and loved my little boy as if there was no difference in the blood that runs through their bodies.

One year ago, I took a vow to love a man for the rest of my life no matter what the circumstance, no matter how hard life got, and no matter what God threw our way. I am forever grateful he took that same vow.

Our first year as husband and wife was full of adventure, heartache, stress, a sick child, a few deaths of loved ones and lot of memories, love, happiness, and laughter.

Our first year we grew. We grew as husband and wife. We grew in our faith. We grew together, better and stronger than ever. I am so very glad that God gave me you.

Jay-
What an incredibly amazing man you are. Your dedication to our family, your endless support and encouragement to follow my dreams, your ability to calm all the storms, your desire to seek God's will in our life, your unconditional love even when I don't deserve it, your patience, your hard work and determination make me a better person each and every day.

You took my hand nearly 3 years ago and promised me that everything would be okay, that you were buckled up and ready to embark on a life with this very broken soul who had a baby in tow. In those 3 years life has been hard, there have been many storms. We have weathered those storms together, with such grace. You have had to deal with being "the other guy" in many situations, you have to listen to me cry over a man that I married before you, you share your love with a child that isn't really yours, all of which would seem so unfair to most men your age. You never bat an eye. You have had to be feet when mine failed to hold me up any longer. You have had to carry the burden of my pain, my hurt, my loss on more than one occasion. You have stuck by myside through many very trying, difficult times. You are my rock, the rock of our family and you will never know how much I appreciate you for that.

A year ago today, we embarked on the journey of marriage together. A lifelong journey together. There is no greater person that I could be on this journey with. You are my best friend, my companion, and my better half. I am eternally thankful for you.

This first year has been a blessing, a roller coaster, and a true test of all that we can handle. Together. There is no one I would rather been on this roller coaster of life with then you. I know your still buckled up and ready for the journey with this soul who is still and will always be a little broken, and always have that baby in tow. Hang on tight, this is going to be the ride of our lives!

Here's to many more crazy years on our journey, I am sure that God has some great things in store for us!

Happy Anniversary and Valentine's Day My Love.
I love you with my whole heart.
Ashley
xoxo

30 Before 30

2013-02-13T12:36:00.000-06:00

Next month I turn 28 and as I sit and ponder the many things I want to do before my 20's are over, I get a slight bit overwhelmed. I can't stick to a list of resolutions to save my life and now I have a list of 30 things I want to accomplish before turning 30. This could be interesting.

Here goes:

1. Become a mother of 2. (Don't get excited this will be closer to 30 than now!)
2. Embark on a fitness challenge of some sort.
3. Master photoshop, not just lightroom.
4. Go to Nashville.
5. Visit St. Jude's Hospital.
6. Get back in a dance studio. Take hip hop classes at least 2 nights a week.
7. Start & finish a year long marriage devo with my husband.
8. Decide on a place we want to adopt from. (International vs. Domestic, and where?)
9. Go on a mission trip to the location we intend to adopt. (If international, if not go on a mission)
10. Go on a HUGE trip with my husband. (We didn't have a wedding, so this is going to be BIG)
11. Take Jake to Disney.
12. Master CHL.
13. Get a 2nd bachelor's or a master's degree. (Working on this now!)
14. Go on a weekend girlfriend trip.
15. Read more than one (non-school related) book a year.
16. Take a photography mentoring session.
17. Go on an actual camping trip in a national park.
18. Go on another snowboarding trip & take lessons this time.
19. Set a workout routine and stick to it.
20. Take a trip back to Lubbock for game day.
21. Work in a children's hospital.
22. "Restart" family dinner nights.
23. Have a "pay off school debt" plan and stick to it. (Come on Dave Ramsey!)
24. Start new traditions with my family. (A little vague but ideas are in the works)
25. Get involved in a children's charity.
26. Become more involved in our church.
27. Read the children's Bible to Jake nightly, religiously.
28. Take a baking class.
29. Volunteer at a women & children's shelter a few times a year.
30. Finish all current house projects & wish lists.

I've got 2 years.

Ready, set, GO!

Resolution Fail.

2013-02-12T00:44:00.001-06:00

Epically.

As I sit on the couch and catch up on some of my favorite guilty pleasure (trashy reality TV) while the boys are both sleeping peacefully, I find myself looking at the massive piles of papers on my desk that include several lists. I am a list maker, but apparently not a very good task completer these days!

Last month I made a list of r~~esolutions~~ goals that I wished to set for myself for the year of 2013. Let me just tell you how miserably I have failed at this list. And yes, I am admitting complete failure on the dot com. Whoa!

I seriously need to have these goals printed on a canvas and hung next to my bathroom mirror so that I can see it each day. Maybe even a daily checklist. {New project!}

I have never been this bad about setting goals and not killing myself to make them happen. EVER.I need to get it together! I even have a few additional goals to add to my list!

This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions, frustrations, and the turning of the page in a new chapter of this book called life. I would really love for God to quit with the curve balls. I think he has pitched me more than a few that I have knocked out of the ball park the last few years. I am ready to sit the bench for a little while.

Jay and I are going on a little weekend getaway this weekend for our anniversary and I am more than excited to spend a few days relaxing, regrouping and reconnecting. Also, looking forward to coming back and tackling this long list of goals. I can. I will. I must.

Along with the long list of goals to tackle, I have an even longer list of things to do that need some serious tackling. Oh boy, I should really get busy!

I shall not continue to fail epically with these lists.

GET IT TOGETHER ASHLEY DEANN!

In my heart is where you will remain.

2013-02-10T23:33:00.001-06:00

Tonight I came across this quote.....

This is a hard one for me. In the last year I have lost a few great people from my life, and although I know they will remain in my heart forever & that God put them in my life for a reason, my heart still hurts to think that things aren't ...the way they use to be.

As I grow older I realize more and more the true meaning of family & friendships, and the real hurt of just walking away. Sometimes trying harder, means greater pain and trying less means you don't care. In any relationship, it takes two, two hearts going in the same direction. I have failed over and over with family and friends, but those that know me, know that I will not let that change my direction.

I don't give up. I never have. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, etc. I wear many hats. I walk many walks. I may fail at times wearing any of these hats, but I know my walks are strong, my words are heard, and my heart is full of love for only those that love me back.

I am not giving up, just realizing that some people will just remain in my heart.

A Heart worth Saving.

2013-01-30T01:59:00.003-06:00

Tonight I am humbled. I am convicted.

Tonight I saw God through tears, through prayers, through people that were put in my life 2 years ago. I know He heard our cries, I know He heard our prayers, I know He has a plan.

Oh, God. Please hear our cries, hear our prayers.

As I gathered with some dear friends to pray for other dear friends, to pray for a new life that has been on a roller coaster of struggle. I cannot begin to imagine the emotions that have overcome this family. One thing I do know, that new life, that little fighting heart, has saved many lives in just 1 week.

As a parent, I have never had to walk in the shoes these two have had slipped on their feet. I don't know what to say or how to respond. I don't know what is "politically correct" or what to do for them. I just pray. And pray. And pray.

I will continue to pray. I will continue to join with others to ask God for miracles, for healing, for comfort and peace.

Grateful that He put me amongst some of the most amazing families and friends 2 years ago. I am forever thankful.

Friends, there is nothing to big for our God. Pray often and be thankful for your healthy children. I know I am. No matter what you are going through, it could always be worse.

Lord,
Please be with this family in the days ahead. Be with this precious baby and the medical staff treating her. Wrap them all up in your arms and guide them along this journey. I pray that you give this incredible couple the strength and wisdom to make the best decisions when asked. I know only You can heal and give the miracles that are needed. Lord, I pray for your peace and comfort.
It's in your name that I pray.
Amen.

Friday.

2013-01-29T23:57:00.000-06:00

Friday was the last day my heart would hurt this hurt.

It was the last day I would wake, dress, leave my child for 9 hours, and walk through the doors of a place I never fit in. It was the last day I had to worry about what I did, what I said, or who was watching me in this place. It was the last day I would walk into a kitchen or conference room full of other women, only to be ignored. My time was up in this place of discomfort. I no longer had to carry a target on my back. Friday was the last day I would shed tears over this place, these tears were of relief.

Friday was the last time I had to hear the words "our sympathy card has ran out" on replay as I entered those glass doors. Since July, my heart had been heavy, my cheeks had tear stains daily, and my drive to work seemed longer and more painful. Since July, I felt like I would never be happy there again. In July words were spoken to me that hurt my heart and made me loose respect for those around me. In July my prayers begin.

I begin to ask God to open doors for me that only He could. I asked Him to relieve me of this discomfort, this pain, this anger. I asked Him to show me what my destiny was. I asked Him to place me right where I needed to be to bring Glory to him. It was not in this place.

Friday was my last day. Not by my choice, not by choice of action no matter what others choose to believe, but by God's will. I believe that He knew my pain, He knew my struggles, and He created a way for me to move from this discomfort, even when I least expected it. He has big plans for me, Jeremiah 29:11 says so!

Now, as I wake every morning, have breakfast with my child and enjoy the giggles that come from the playroom as he plays and creates memories of his childhood, I pray that God opens even more doors for me to enjoy moments just like this. It's these moments that I wish I could freeze in time. I pray that God places me in the right location at the right time and that I can bring him all the Glory.

Since Friday I have learned a couple of important things.

I have an amazing support group around me that I will forever be grateful for. The friends and family that immediately jumped into prayer and action on Friday, I can never repay you.

My God is so very good. He created new opportunities for my photography business and I give all the glory to Him. I am going to be very busy this year creating and capturing very special memories for some very special families. What a blessing He has created.

I know that God creates situations like this for a reason and I will not question that reason. I will rejoice and be glad in it for God never closes one door without opening another.

Friday, I walked away from a place to never return. I walked away with enough to provide for my share of my families needs for the next 3 months, but I know what I cannot provide, My God will!

I have a whole lot of faith.

Another Year of Resolutions

2013-01-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

Out with the old, in with the new, just in time for a new year.

Hello, 2013. I am so glad to finally meet you.

I typically don't make a long list of resolutions from year to year, only because the practical side of my brain reminds me that life is full of curve balls and you never know what is to come! I hate to make promises that I can't keep and for some reason resolutions always seem to feel like broken promises.

This year I have decided to jot down a few, ~~resolutions~~ goals if you will. More of a list of things I would like to strive to do with myself in 2013, not so much a do or die list, just a list of things I have thought about that seem to be what I need in my life for this new year.

Date weekend with my husband at least once a month.
Go on a Jacob adventure, at least once a week.
Family dinners, with the whole family, weekly.
Workout 3 times a week, that is practical, just do it.
Cook at home, 5 nights a week, stick to it.
Read a devotional every night with Jay.
Read a devotional every night with Jacob.
Slow down, enjoy life.
Take a picture a day.
Video more of Jake.
Take a family picture at least once a week.
Less TV, more activity.
No TV at dinner time, we are very guilty of this in 2012.
Dinner at the dinner table, not the coffee table.
Family vacation, a must in 2013.
Get Jake back to a normal/healthy schedule.
Breakdown when I need to, stop holding everything in. It is time to finally grieve.
Don't take on too much, one log, maybe two in the fire is fine for now.
Spend wisely, save greatly.
Continue to dream big.

I pray for God to use me in 2013 in a way that shines. I want to pave the roads in glitter and fill hearts with joy in 2013. I want to be the light, the little light that shines! I want to spread more of the word and less words.

I know that God has many plans for my life, he has already used me and my struggles to testify to some of the broken. I want to open my heart fully and let the Lord in....

Mommy Fears

2012-12-17T11:19:00.000-06:00

As a mother, you fear. You fear often, and most of the time, your fears are of your children's safety and well being.

I have never truly feared my son going to school. Until now. The shooting in Newtown, CT last Friday sent a fear through my body that I cannot explain. I am terrified of sending my child to preschool now and I praise God that we were able to find him someone that will keep him at our home. His last day of school is this Friday and it couldn't get here fast enough.

I know this is not the first school shooting and in fact schools aren't the only places for mass shootings like this. But, something about 20 sweet babies ranging in age from 6-7 with multiple gunshot wounds while simply sitting in their first grade classroom just scares me. Makes me sick. I cannot fathom how anyone could be sick enough to look these precious kids in the face and take their innocent lives from them.

Friday night I, along with every other mother in the US, held my baby a little tighter, he got away with a little more over the weekend, he didn't leave my sight for a minute, he got a few more kisses and a few more prayers. This morning sending him to school was a little bit harder and many tears were shed as I pulled away from that school building. I have prayed many times today already for God to hear our cries, to protect our children. This is nothing new in our house, as I pray for my child daily, I hug him and kiss him, and tell him I love him multiple times a day. I also hate leaving him at school daily but I have to work, I don't have the luxury of staying home. Just the thought of that being the last time those parents saw their children on Friday, I found myself lingering outside the door a little longer.

I pray for our nation to not use this a political rally against guns but to understand that people are killing people. It doesn't matter the weapon, sick people will not abide by gun laws or any other law for that matter. This man was clearly sick and hurting. He didn't care that what he was doing was wrong, he was on a mission to take as many lives as he could, before taking his own. At the same time this was happening a man in China was taking the lives for 24 children while stabbing them to death. Does this mean we are going to start a rally to ban kitchen knives as well?!

The plain and simple realization of this is that there are people that are sick. They are hurting. They need help. Unfortunately, with the lack of funding for mental health facilities and maxium security prisons, something to this magnitude has to happen before the criminally insane get help. And often it's too late. All we can do is pray for those that are sick and hurting. Banning guns is not going to change anything, it might actually make things worse. We need more funding and help for those who suffer from mental illnesses. If you have not read the article "I am Adam Lanza's Mother", I encourage you to do so.

I hate that people cannot simply post of Facebook how heart broken they are over this without negativity closely following. 90% of my news feed the last 4 days has been mostly mothers, myself included, posting about how heart broken they are over this event. Then you have the other 10% that seems to have no soul at all and post things like "this event shouldn't cause you to think about those that mean the most to you" and "this has been happening for decades, why all the attention now".

I agree that there is no difference, no matter where it happens or what age group is affected. I personally have seen the same outpouring of emotion and attention each time it has happened. People have feared sending their children back to high school, movie theatres, mass crowds, college campuses, etc. after all of these events. But, then I think that reality sits in and we all realize that it will/can happen anywhere. I also think the media always does a poor job of covering such events, but then again, how exactly do you cover these events with the right tact?! I think most mothers and fathers would agree that they hold their babies tight every night and tell them they love them multiple times a day, or at least they should. I just think when these types of events happen it makes us more aware of the evil in the world and as a mother it makes my fears for my child's safety a little more heightened.

I agree that nothing will change until one takes responsibility for oneself, but I also think that is a gray line for those who are struggling mentally or just plain sick. I don't think any of us who are not in those mentally unstable shoes can attest to what may have been going through his mind. I studied human behavior for 5 years and have a degree in Psychology, and I still couldn't fathom what is so wrong with these individuals. I too find it hard to believe that someone didn't notice that he needed help, he needed a little more love, he needed attention in some way.

I am a mother and I do hug my child, my husband, family, friends, etc. every chance I get and there is not a single person that doesn't know how much they mean to me. This event didn't make me realize how much my child meant to me. But it did validate just a little more how much evil and cruelty is in this world and how easy life can be taken from any of us. Not that I didn't already know that, I did loose my child's father very unexpectedly so I do realize how fragile life is!

But as a mother with a heart, I am heart broken for the families that are waking up to burry their children today, that are looking at wrapped Christmas presents for those babies they have lost, that are no longer able to just wrap their arms around their children and tell them how much they love them. It doesn't matter how many times you have done it before, when they are gone you still long for the chance to do it just one more time.

It doesn't take an event like this strip us from our loved ones, it can happen anywhere, at any time. Everyone should hug the ones they love and make sure that they know it each and every day, tomorrow is no guarantee!

You Showed Up....

2012-12-06T17:22:00.001-06:00

...in my dreams last night.

You brought with you all the things that I really wish I could have for Jacob now. You were trying to give them to me. All the things that I have been asking your dad for, but he will not give me. All the things that mean something so near and dear to my heart. For a moment I thought it was a sign, but then I woke up and reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I will never have those things for Jacob ever again. It all sinks in.

You were back, you were in my house, you were holding my hand and telling me how much you wanted to be back with Jacob and I. Today, I am hurting because you aren't really here. You really aren't holding my hand. You really aren't back with us.

It's unfair. It hurts. It seems like I am still in some sort of fog.

Oh Travis, I knew your heart from the inside out. I knew your wishes and your dreams. I knew what you truly wanted. I just wish everyone else did, too.

So many of your friends that really knew your heart have tried to comfort me on this new journey of life without you, but as we near the 3 year mark, the pain is still so sharp. I thank God everyday for the Pendleton's and their ability to always make it better. I am thankful you were so close to Michael and he knew your heart too. I am thankful that Casey will just cry with me, even in the middle of the day when she is chasing around 2 babies. She wears a cape of her own, I think she is superwoman. On days like today, I wish they lived closer.

Today I sat in a conference room at work, with tear filled eyes, watching a flag waving in the breeze. I knew it was you. Every time I see a flag, I see you. I saw a Marine in his blues the other day, I swore it was you. I miss that uniform so much. I miss the smell of dirty cammies once a month. I miss you walking through the house naked, even in front glass doors and windows just to make me laugh. I miss your love, the love you had to give when we first started dating. The uninfluenced love you gave with your whole heart. I am glad I have those memories. I need them today.

Your memories burn in my heart and your smile shines bright in my dreams. Even on my weakest days, I know you are still here. I see you in Jacob. He is every bit of your son. I just know you two would have a blast. More fun than I would be able to afford, but I would pay that debt to have you back.

You are gone, but yet so alive. Your spirit is strong as the holidays are near. I am sure this is not the last of the hard days to come, but today I will cherish all that is left, for I know I will see you again.

Until I see you again, wherever it may be, fly high, smile bright, and keep showing up in my dreams.

Love you still, always have, always will.....