I Hate Passive Aggressive Selling, It Needs To Go Away.

Aside from the fact that it alienates your potential customer and is just plain rude, but passive aggressive selling also makes you look so unprofessional, uncaring, and more slimy than a sleazy used car salesman.

Acosted by GreenPeace

Yesterday as I was leaving Safeway, I was accosted by a troll of a woman wearing a GreenPeace t-shirt. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of GreenPeace, and have often times thought about (and sometimes still do think about) about joining GreenPeace.

“Do you have time to help save the orangutans?” She asked.

Right there in that instance, already, she’s two steps in the opposite direction from getting me to do anything.

First by inserting herself between me and my car and stopping me on the way out of the store, I felt harassed, but I let it go. After all, I’ve got love for people making cold sales, I used to do it.

Secondly, she totally blew any chance of cooperation by asking me a loaded question. She didn’t tell me what I would need to do to help save the little monkey darlings. For all I knew in order to save the orangutans, I’d have donate my car or something. I didn’t know how long it would take (5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 maybe ?). She didn’t even say “Hi”! Most importantly, she didn’t give me any option of response; other than what she wanted me to say, that is, unless I wanted to come off like a complete insensitive, monkey hating jerk. What are the two options I could have possibly respond with:

“Why yes, of course I have time for the orangoutangs, I was just thinking about saving the orangutans as I was walking down the frozen food section, of course I don’t have anything else on my mind, places to be or ice cream in my shopping bag that has already started to melt”

or

“No, I’m a waste of space, who can’t spare a few minutes, and am such a bad person that I’m not interested in saving some poor, dying breed of helpless orangutans on the verge of extinction in the middle of the Amazon.”

Thanks for that GreenPeace, I felt great all the way home.

Of Course, We All Want To Help Orangutans

Instead, I simply muttered “Sorry, I am in a hurry” and quickly walked off as she rolled her eyes. I should have said to her, “I’m sorry, I really REALLY would love to help the orangutans, but I won’t on principle, because I’m against people standing outside Safeway and making me feel like a failure at life because I want to get home to put my Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer.”

A Better Way

I don’t steal candy from children or kick puppies, but I certainly felt like she thought I was. It’s too bad that GreenPeace encourages their volunteers to approach people this way. They would have much better results (and more orangatangs would be saved) if the GreenPeace folks had set up a little table, off to the side of the exit, with a sign that said something like “Sign your name to this petition to end oil drilling in zoos and help save endangered orangutans”. That’s a much better offer! Now a potential customer would know exactly what is required of them to help the orangutans (signing a petition), what the petition is for (to stop oil drilling) and why they should sign it (to save the orangutans). Easy peasy!

This way I know that it only takes 2 seconds to sign my name, and my Ben and Jerry’s is safe! Even if they just handed out a little flier, then I could save the orangutans at a time that is convenient for me…..perhaps while eating my Ben and Jerry’s. Bingo, now we’ve got a two-fer!

Don’t Make Your Customer Feel Like a Money’s Ass

Don’t do the passive aggressive sell, don’t ask loaded questions, and never ever put your customer in the position of feeling like an ass if they don’t do whatever it is that you are trying to get them to do.

Photo by: Jay Waldron and Stephen Kruso

Related posts:

1. Finding Your Unique Selling Proposition Really Sucks

AAAHHHHHH. Have you every just been so obsessed with something that it makes you want to scream in frustration. That’s exactly how I’ve felt lately trying to figure out what my unique selling proposition is all about. I’m hiding the bald spots where my hair has been ripped out quite well, but I don’t think I can keep it up much longer!

I’m posting my most recent brain dump on my blog for my mom, and other seven readers to see if maybe you can help me! Send me some juju, blow me some kisses, think happy thoughts, or point me in the right direction. Leave me a comment and tell me what my unique USP should be before I blow a fuse! Being bald might have a negative impact on the podcast/video blogs I plan to put up in the future. :)

I want to help anybody that I can help, I’m a helper by nature. 

• You gotta girlfriend problem? I’m your winglady!
• You gotta internet question or problem (DAD)? I’m your tech support. 
• You need help tweeking your resume? I’m awesome at that. 
• You need advice on how to deal with your catty girl-friends? Just ask me.
• You need some help getting motivated to lose weight? Well, consider me your coach!
• You need some help getting your idea turned into a business? Let me show you how to do that! 
• You want to be taken on a magical ride of rainbows and unicorns? Read Harry Potter :P

I just want to help people in any way that I can.

  How do I narrow it down to just one?  I feel like I can help a lot of people do a lot of different stuff.  But which could I focus on and turn into a business?    What is a synergistic mashup of the skills or point of view that I have? 

Time To Start DOING

I just feel all over the map here, I’ve been searching for a Unique Selling Proposition for Asia Bird FOR-EV-ER (remember the kid from the Sandlot….Fooor-evvvv-eeer!), but at the same time I feel like I’m getting closer….like those people you see at the beach with their metal detectors and headphones! That’s me and my niche, my true calling, my brilliant online business, the unique selling proposition that is me, is the diamond ring hiding in the sand.  I’ve been combing the beaches for months and months, years even, but I’m getting so close that I can feel it!!

Sales & Marketing & “Killer Content”

I want to write about sale/marketing, since that’s my background and the part of business that I’m most interested in. Email marketing, list building, landing page conversions, messaging, branding, speaking to your customer, clear communications, asking the right questions, handling the “after the sale”, cultivating the relationships to get repeat buyers, SEO, what to do once your site starts getting traffic, how to sell stuff while not being scammy or salesy, building a business not a website! All of that, that’s what I love and get’s me excited about, but nobody really seems to be asking for that. 

Traffic Schmaffic

People keep obsessing over traffic, but getting traffic is only half the battle, you need to get that traffic to buy. The ultimate match would be if somebody creative were to come to me and say, hey I’ve got this idea, how can I blast it out online and make visitors come to me and hire me/buy my creative stuff.   I would want to help them find their USP, define their customer, write to/speak to/ tailor their message to their customer, set up sales processes, launch plan, social media campaigns, email marketing campaigns, the works!  But I guess that’s far to broad of a niche. 

My Density…I Mean….My Destiny

Maybe I should write about finding your true calling in life and doing what you love- that seems to be the journey that I’m on now.  Kevin says I should just start writing about what I find interesting and that will sort of bring me an audience (if you build it they will come….sort of thing), then I can let them direct what my USP is, and then, at that point, I can START to target it.  I kind of feel like that’s the 7 year launch plan.  And also, it makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth at the thought of just writing blog posts with out a point, without SOMEONE that I’m writing to. I must must must have my target audience clearly defined, and be helping them in some way, before I can start writing to them. In the same way, I was never very good at writing wish-list letters to Santa or thank you notes to the Easter Bunny, I need a real audience, or at least one real person.

I’m starting to realize that I can’t do this nailing down the USP part by myself.

  I just keep going round and round.  Should it be sales, or maketing, or motivation coaching, or fun finding, or happiness consulting (hehe…happiness consultant, get it…like from Hung – do you watch Hung on HBO?…giggles).   It’s sort of depressing, actually, I really flounder around like a fish out of water without direction.   I need somebody that knows me, that has experience and some level of success in building/starting an online business to tell me “Asia, you are brilliant at THIS, it’s a viable business idea, and there is definitely a need for it, THIS is niched down, and your unique selling proposition could be this!” 

Possible target markets:

Here are a list of possible USPs, that I’ve been kicking around. Please tell me if anything jumps out at you, or even if something wiggles a bit and catches your attention…hopefully I’m getting closer to the right track

• the internet marketing crowd (although highly competitive, it’s where I’m the most focused)
• magento users (magento is an open source ecommerce platform that I’m starting to use on a different product www.languagewranger.com.  It’s like wordpress, but for ecommerce)
• offlilne small businesses that want to bring their business online.
• traditional artists, photographers, illustrators, etc. (Zach was a concept artist, Abbie is a photographer…after all) The online creative people, teach them how to turn art into products, reach customers and do all the left brained business stuff.
• the online business newbie, although, I feel like this area is covered to death…like smothered to death
• the non-techy
• the extra techy
• Online business people with ADD (wow, it must really be getting late) and just write a blog about lists:  7 steps to keyword ninja-dom, The 10 most important things you need to know about online marketing
• Real estate agents – I’m also in the process for getting my real estate license. Real estate agents should definitely use twitter!
• the non sales approach to selling stuff on line – (maybe this is where I could write my list of things that must go, marketing and sales and internet stuff that I hate like not putting your first and last name anywhere on your blog, traditional long form landing pages–even though they convert, I still hate them, passive aggressive selling and so on)
• Maybe I could write about optimism and having a happy positive attitude…it is, after all, what makes the world go ’round!
• Being real, and having passion are also things that I’m ….uh…passionate about!
• I could focus on email marketing, just email marketing for XYZ crowd.
• I could focus on just branding for XYZ crowd. 
• I could focus on landing page conversion for XYZ crowd.
• I could focus on web analytics and site testing for XYZ crowd.

All of these things I know how to do!

But What Is Unique About Me?

My brainstorming has turned into brain stewing – there are just too many options.  I am good at too many things (*wink – that’s just my way of saying I’m neither an expert nor do I totally suck at anything, just sort of average and interested in many things). 

Where Do I Find XYZ Crowd?

What forums can you suggest for me? I’m a member of the Warrior Forum, but it all seems kind of scamy, I’ve been looking in Wicked fire and homebusinessonline forum.  Are there any others that I am missing out on?

No related posts.

WARNING: I started writing this post to answer a question that I myself had: “How to schedule tweets and retweets”. However, since I found the awesomeness that is Pluggio (yes…that’s an affiliate link), there really is no need for further explanation or research from me. Buuut, if you wanna stick around, I’ll tell you my story, and stories are always fun!

Don’t Know How To Schedule Tweets and Retweets?

I’m just a little ashamed to admit that I’m kind of a late bloomer when it comes to social media. I mean, I was the first girl in my class to get a blog, but now, I’m making up for lost time and getting more involved with Twitter, and the rest of ‘em.

“Don’t Flood the Inbox”

I keep hearing that the best practice of sending tweets is to send them spread out over time, but nobody ever told me exactly how to do that (sniff, sniff). Do I really need somebody to tell me exactly how to do that? How hard could it be, I mean really? Nevertheless, today I was reading through some of my peep’s tweets, publishing a few of my very own, and I hit the retweet button, expecting some scheduling options, but whooosh….off they it into the world of interwebs. I didn’t even get a chance to add my two cents!

Did I Miss A Pop Up Box or Something

Twitter is pretty dang easy to figure out, even the Twitter mutations like Hootsuite and TweetDeck are simple enough (except when Hootsuite is on the fritz, like it was tonight). So I felt pretty stupid after shooting off a couple of rapid-fire retweets (I probably retweeted the same thing like 3 times in a row). After giving myself a few mental kicks to the shin, I decided there had to be a better way.

One Twitter Tool to Rule Them All

I just need a tool that can help me stay on top of my Twitter-ness, and connect with all my other social media extremities, is that too much to ask? Google, the almighty, heard my question and sent me Pluggio. Because not only does Pluggio do all the social media goodness that I want, like:

• Schedules tweets and retweets
• Connects with Ping.fm and shortens my urls for me
• Allows me to easily have different Twitter groups, feeds and lists
• Teaches me how easy it is to use with short, helpful videos narrated in a sexy British man voice

but also:

• It is an RSS aggrigator (Here in the land of Nerdy Birdie, we call that a Twofer)
• It suggests friends FOR me – (no more being a social media leper)
• It’s easier and more intuitive to use than Hootsuite, or even Twitter classic
• Did I mention the sexy man voiced videos? (okay, maybe that’s only a benefit for some)

So I’m pretty dang convinced Pluggio is the best thing since Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. If you send out more than like 5 tweets a day, you’ll think so too. If you sign up for Pluggio from my affiliate link, I’ll make some moolah which will go directly into my Ben & Jerry’s habit. My thighs will hate you, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for you.

Other Options? Anyone?…Anyone?…Bueller?….Bueller?

Do you get this excited about your online tools? I’m curious to hear about other tools that are out there that you love. Leave me a comment below if you know of something I should get in on!

No related posts.

Can I Have A Do Over?

I just finished importing all of the blog posts I have written from my other failed blogging attempts into this blog. Why….you ask? Well, I want to start over. Nothing I have done online has been successful. Not a one. Either I just didn’t love the topics, or the content, or I just didn’t care that much about them anyway, or I got so fed up with messing with the stupid wordpress theme that I eventually gave up all together….Whatever the case, they’ve all gone the way of the dodo bird.

This is The Part Where We Look Back and Remember

Asia-Bird
Ah, my first blog. The memories….I started this blog because, I don’t know, everyone was starting blogs and it seemed like the thing to do. I think I had a blog before I had facebook. I put pictures up for my mom to see, and then she became motivated to start her won blog. I spent hours and hours learning html, php, and css so that I could make my theme look juuuuust right. When Zach died, it became my podium for which to address the sad masses. I think the sad masses watched the blog to make sure I didn’t post a suicide note. After that I stopped posting for a while, and then my mom made me promise to post more vacation pictures. It’s kind of a sad place to me now, but I can’t bring myself to take the site down.

At this point I was so into blogs that I built blogs for my brother, my sister, and my friend. I don’t think any of them logged into their brand, spanking new blogs more than once or twice. It was good practice, but at this point I was feeling a little burned out on building blogs, while at the same time, realized I could use them to make money. But how do I get a blog to make money, when the last think I want to do is build another blog? The solution, buy one on Flippa that somebody else already built!

MyBagPoint, KindlePop, and EasyGreenLivingGuide, were all sites that I purchased off of Flippa. They seemed like they were going to be the next best thing to sliced bread. Each site, had a pretty theme, content, products, affiliates and seo. It was a complete package. So, I might as well have taken out a match and burned all those pretty green bills on fire because I didn’t do a single thing with any of them.
I don’t care about the Kindle. I don’t own a Kindle. All those Google alerts that I set up just got deleted the minute they landed in my inbox, I didn’t even care to read them, let alone write about them. Besides, I was secretly waiting for the iPad (admit it, you were too) so I don’t even think my site had any relevance.
The Green niche, overwhelmed me completely. Do I write about Green paper towels, green cars, green food, green eggs and ham? So I didn’t write anything. At least it came with an ebook for me to sell (an ebook which I never even read), which I thought was great, until I realized that every other Green Something website was selling the exact same one.
As for MyBagPoint, well, I’m about the most un-girliest girl of all the girls. I don’t think I even own more than one bag, let alone a purse! I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought that site, did I really think I was going to spend hours searching for ANYTHING relevant to bags? Really? [insert forehead slap]

AbbieWarnock – another site I built for a friend. Ironically, this is the most successful website that I’ve ever built, except I don’t own it. Hmmm…maybe Abbie would let me put some Adsense on there! After all, I did build it for her for free.

I took a little break from blogs at this point, and I have to admit, I did not miss them. There was no love in my heart for blogging. But then I realized that I really needed to get something going with this online business idea or else, I’d have to get a …..dare I say it…..gasp…job!

I started learning more about keyword research, and micro niches, and bought a flurry of random domains.
WholeWheatHappiness and WholeGrainFoodSources- Never even put a site up, I bought the domain before my keyword research was conclusive. Smart, I know.
ArtDecoTableLamps – Another site that I bought. I thought $70 for a complete site was pretty good. Unfortunately, I think it was a scam, because I never actually received the site. Thanks WarriorForum people. I didn’t feel too bad about it though, because well, I don’t even think anybody wants an art deco table lamp. I wish I could say that I only bought that site because I was heavily sedated, or in the process of being unfrozen. But none of those things are true. I was just stupid.

Okay, well, at least I’ve learned a lesson here. I just just buy a money making machine of a website. There has to be some hands-on-ness to it.

TheSpanishFarm – This site was going to be it, the one that was both profitable and a passion of mine. I have been learning how to speak Spanish for a long time, and I can’t get enough of it. I love talking to people about learning spanish and I love speaking Spanish. I love all things Spanish. Spanish, Spanish Spanish. So because it was going to be the super, most awesome, best site ever. I had to get the theme just right. So I wrote a few articles and got some affiliate links up, and then I spent days and days and days…weeks even, messing around with the stupid wordpress theme that I was in love with. I eventually became disgusted at the sight of that website and moved on. Lesson learned here. The prettiness does’t have to be perfect. Good thing I bought up a backup domain for that website (SpanishMoo.com) – uugh.

KittyTravels – A few months later, I decided to follow along with with Caroline Middlebrook teaches, build a blog for adsense. I took my cat with me on a trip to Costa Rica, I learned a lot about flying with a cat on an airplane and taking a cat through customs, but as soon as I started article writing (which I again, hired a copywriter for) I immediately knew that I hated this project too. I didn’t care about telling people how to fly with their cat to another country. I’m not passionate about that, I can’t teach somebody that. All they have to do is type into Google: Fly with my cat to Costa Rica, and there is the answer. So, I’ve pretty much sworn off domains. I was frustrated and desperate and then my boyfriend told me about Eban Pagan.

Winglady
This has been my latest, and greatest project. After getting sucked into Eban Pagan’s Guru Blueprint Program, like a planet into a black hole, I took what I had learned and started to put it to practice. Don’t get me wrong here, I have a lotta love for Eban, I think he is brilliant, the material he teaches is good, but the bigger lesson has been watching him teach, and market his own products to me….which I buy, because I can’t help it. So from the nuggets I learned from Eban:
1. Pick a niche in the top 3 mega niches – check: relationships and dating
2. Refine niche – check: relationships and dating for guys
3. Refine niche further- check: dating and relationship training for guys to understand a woman from a woman’s perspective.
4. Okay, now what? WordPress or SwellCMS? Do I write blogs or do video blogs? Squeeze page or long form landing page? Ebook or training videos? Pen name or my own name – after all, I wouldn’t want my grandpa (who uses facebook daily? to read my advice for dating guys….awkward! Do I write my own content or outsource it?

So I try a little of both, find out, I don’t really want to write about all this stuff, I just know what I want it written about. Well, let’s try the copywriters….pay three for samples, pay one for a complete waste of time, aaaaand I’m back to square one, with holes in my pockets. I tell myself I can stick it out and just write one article day, but then instead spend all day researching and reading about relationships, and communication, and sociology of gender simply because I’m fascinated with it. I keep putting off writing my one blog a day, because I really do better when answering a direct question, so I clean the bathroom instead and then watch reruns of 24. This is going to take forever to get off the ground. Oh, by the way, did I mention that I paid $500 for that domain? Yeah. I know, I’m an idiot.

Saying Goodbye

And that’s where I am today. I’m not buying any more domains for a long time. If I start another website project, I’ll have to be with on of my existing domains. Probably this domain. I’ve now put all of the blog posts that I wrote myself on this site, and I’m publicly announcing the death of those other sites and starting over. I’m letting my old domains expire, except for maybe asia-bird.com and winglady.com. I’m done spending hours upon hours of theme fidgeting, and I’m done having copy written by somebody else that writes drivel. Instead I’ll write blog posts like these that really have no point, other than to get me to get in the habit of righting again. I’ll be writing the drivel thank you very much!

Goodbye failed blogs, I don’t think I’ll miss you much.

Related posts:

1. Learn to How to Speak a Different Language

You’ve never heard of me, but I read your blogs, I read your newsletters, I buy your products and click your affiliate links, re-tweet your articles, and refer friends to your sites. I like you, you inspire me! 

I need a mentor.  Yep, that’s right…and I’m asking YOU!  I’m a little shy by nature (so reaching out to you like this, is pretty weird for me), but I’m motivated,  I’m determined, and I make things happen!  I’m willing to do all that I can to be a success, including asking for help when I know I need it. (Even if it feels weird!)

Will you to take me under your wing and make me your apprentice?  your pet? your guinea pig?  your bitch?  your grasshopper?  What ever you want to call it…will you be my Yoda?   I realize that plenty of people create businesses all on their own, with no mentors, but those that have mentors get there faster, and go further than those that do not.  I don’t want a coach or a guru, I don’t want tricks or tips…I want a mentor that will be invested in seeing ME succeed.  Someone who will provide one-on-one guidance specified to my situation, strengths and weaknesses and help me obtain specific measurable revenue goals.   Tell me which of my dozen or so half-started projects to keep and which to end, where I need to refine my niche and where I need to expand.  

In return I can offer, eternal gratitude, good karma, a lifetime of groupie-like worship and promotion of you and your work, and a never ending supply of homemade chocolate chip cookies.   I don’t want to “hire” a coach in the traditional sense, because I need you to be motivated to see my success. And because I’ve spent a small fortune on training, and ebooks, etc, etc, etc.   However,  if you are making me successful, then I’d want you to be compensated too.  I’d be willing to work out an alternative compensation strategy where I share profits or pay you a specific amount after reaching a predetermined revenue goal. Helping me to discover and fine what my business is all about. You have been where I am now…starting from scratch, I want to be where you are now…making lots of money and helping lots of people. I’m not a dummy – I think I’m pretty smart, thank you very much, but I’m trapped in ‘analysis paralysis’! And I don’t know anybody else that has made/makes money online. It’s like when you are sick and you know you don’t want to be sick anymore –you have to go to the doctor, right? You can’t just read WebMD and know everything you need to know about how to make yourself better. You don’t need to go to med school and read every medical book to get better either. Sometimes you can do somethings to get un-sick all on your own and some times you need a short visit with a doctor to get healed.

I’ve never made a cent online, let me be your case study-lab-rat-gunea-pig extraordinaire, and prove  to all your other readers, would be customers, and the world at large, that you really are the shiz you say you are!   I just need a phone call for an hour or so a couple of times a week, that’s it…I’ll stay out of your hair other than that!

So, what do you say?  Are you willing to take a chance on me? Are you willing to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak?  Are you brave enough? Come on…it’ll be an adventure! :)

Related posts:

1. A Quick Note From Asia

I am by no means an expert at speaking languages, however, I do feel like an expert at learning how to speak a different language. I have been trying to learn to speak Spanish for years! I took Spanish 101 and 102 in high school. I followed that up with a repeat of 101 and 102 in college. Four semesters of Spanish and nothing stuck. You might think I didn’t practice. I practiced. Looking back I think the main obstacle in my ability to learn Spanish back then, was I didn’t have a reason to continue. I was only taking the classes to fulfill a credit requirement.

• Step 1. Define a Reason – Why do you want to learn another language?

Is it because you think you should? Not good enough.
Is it because your mom wants you too? Not good enough.
You need a personal reason that is compelling and motivating to you. I came across my reason by accident.
A friend of mine was planning a trip to Peru with her boyfriend, when they broke up 2 weeks before the trip. She asked me to go to take his place. Of course, I said yes! I wasn’t going to pass up that opportunity. Off to Peru we went. Suddenly I was surrounded by foreign sights, smells, and sounds. I instantly was drawn to the culture and the way of life of Latin Americans. I wanted to learn everything I could about the history, people, and culture. I wanted to be able to communicate with the people. Of course with my blonde hair and my pale skin, I stuck out like a tourist – but in a way I didn’t want to be a tourist. I wanted to go to places where the locals hung out, I wanted to understand what life was like for them. What drives them, what inspires them, what challenges they face, what events in their history as a people affected them today and how.
I came back to the United States with a renewed excitement about travel and I knew I would learn how to speak Spanish. I set a goal for myself that I wouldn’t quit this time. I would continue to learn Spanish everyday until I was fluent. I actually laughed out loud when that goal made me realize that I’m still learning English, even though I’m completely fluent! Still expanding my vocabulary, practicing grammar, spelling and comprehension. I had to revise my original goal just slightly. I am going to continue to learn Spanish every day. Period. There is no end, it’s a continual evolving thing for me.
What constitutes being fluent? Is there a line in the sand? No, fluency comes over time and is technically considered “achieved” when you can read, write, speak, and generally understand everything put in front of you. That’s what it means to me, anyway. Websters might have a different opinion.
So, figure out why you want to learn another language. What is that one thing that is going to make you keep trying even when you are frustrated. I want to travel and learn about different cultures directly from the horses mouth. I want the EXPERIENCE. That’s my reason. And well, yeah, I think that speaking another language is cool, kind of like being in an exclusive club

• Step 2 – Take Action

Right now you are thinking…’Wait, wait, wait! Isn’t action usually one of the last steps? Here we are only on step 2!”
Nope my friends. Action is the force that propels you forward. If you want to do something, anything in life, take take that first step. Start the momentum. Even if you don’t quite know where you are headed or how to get there, you can adjust your plan as you continue. But you can’t get anywhere without action.
For me, taking action meant signing up and paying for a class as soon as I came home from Peru. I didn’t wait. I don’t procrastinate. I knew if I didn’t the motivation, the passion, the fire that I felt in that other country would eventually fade and other things would take priority, and then, before I knew it, my goal would have turned into an intention. Days would go by, months would go by, years…..all that time I could have been doing something. I didn’t and I don’t want to look back on my life and see all the things I could have done. I already look back and think, four semesters of Spanish – If I had defined a real a reason back then to keep me anchored to continual progression, think how much Spanish I’d be able to speak today! Ah, but you know what they say about hindsight.
However, as a side note…..I don’t feel regret. Instead I choose to embrace the positive side of this and think/chalk it up to life experience. If I didn’t fail back then, then I wouldn’t now be helping you to succeed!
So take action. Maybe to you, a class once a week isn’t an option, but there are so many other ways to take action now! Get on Craigslist to see if there are any Spanish tutors, or Spanish speaking people in your community trying to learn English. You can learn from each other. Maybe your first step is buying a Spanish to English dictionary. I’ll write more about Spanish learning references later. But for now, just do something – even if it’s just a baby step!


• Step 3 – Do Something Else.

This may seem kind of redundant, but it’s actually very important to help you keep momentum, and keep that passion alive!
Now that you’ve signed up for your class, or purchased your dictionary, or taken your first baby step. Take another leap forward! Do something else! Maybe your second step is brainstorming other steps, attending your first day of class, researching study tips, maybe your second step is telling all your friends and family about it – having other people in on your plan keeps you accountable. After signing up for my Spanish class, I went a little crazy and started researching everything I could about learning Spanish online. A lot of what I found and what helped me is listed in the reference section on this site. Obsessive compulsion took over and I scoured the internet. I bought books, I watched programs about learning Spanish, I questioned other people who knew how to speak another language incessantly, about how they learned, what worked for them. I started this site, which helps me to keep learning Spanish everyday! I told everybody that I knew about my goal of learning Spanish. They ask me about it on a day to day basis, and I always feel a sense of accomplishment when I tell them that I am continually progressing, that I am moving forward, and learning new things. Maybe for you’re the ‘snow ball’ effect of just consuming everything possible about how to learn your language will come a little later, but it will come.

• Step 4 – Make your new language a part of your daily life.

Learning another language is memorization, repetition, and immersion. Also, when you commit to your self to do at least one thing everyday you stave off procrastination and continue moving forward with momentum. The laws of physics state that forward motion propels motion. Make yourself do something every day to learn Spanish. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, just as long as you DO it. Hopefully you can squeeze in some of the bigger tips that I have listed, but each little tip brings you closer and closer to realizing your goal. At least one or two things a day, and of course, more is better.
It’s important to do something every single day. Even if it is only learning one new word a day, just that alone will give you 365 new words! Some days I feel like studying Spanish for an hour or more, some days I feel like studying watching a Spanish movie with English subtitles. Some days, I want nothing to do with Spanish at all so instead of learning a new word, I practice the words I do know. On those days when I say “muchas gracías” to the cashier ringing up my groceries at the super market, it counts as doing something for that day. In the end, I think it all balances out. But even though some days I do more than others, I do something to help my Spanish everyday.

• Step 5 – Engage all your learning senses.

Research has found that we human beings learn in three different ways. Typically one way is more dominant than the other depending on the individual. These three ways of learning are: visually, verbally, tactically (hands on),
For example, while I was in college, I was a ‘write it down person’. Writing has always been the best way for me to learn. Even writing this blog has been a learning experience for me. However, when it comes to learning a new language, you must engage all of your senses. One very important concept of learning is making a connection between what you already know and what you are trying to learn. Below are a list of tips by sense, and again the more you can incorporate, the faster you will learn. Also, the more vocabulary you learn, the faster you will keep learning new vocabulary. It’s a slow start, but once you start gaining momentum, it’s a snowball effect.

• Step 6 – Practice speaking with others.

This has been the hardest part of learning another language for me. Speaking with other people. Often times I feel shy or afraid to put my knowledge to the test and actually try and have a conversation with another person (especially if that person is a native Spanish speaker). But you can’t pass up any opportunities to practice speaking! Isn’t that the whole reason why you decided to speak another language in the first part?
If you have the opportunity to speak to somebody in person that speaks your language, do it. Most of them would be happy to help you learn. Is there a church or a group in your area that speaks your new language? If you can’t find anybody locally to have conversations with, get a skype account and search for an online partner.
Don’t worry about your grammar, or saying things perfectly, just let it flow. Grammar will come. The person that you are speaking with will be able to tell that you are learning Spanish, that you are communicating, and most importantly that you are TRYING. They’ll cut you some slack, and just be happy that you are giving it a go. In situations like these, a few things that I’ve found to help relieve some of the anxiety that I feel when speaking to another person in Spanish are:
I’ve memorized the phrase “I’ve been learning Spanish, will you help me practice?” If nothing else I know that I can ask that question perfectly, and whomever I am speaking to WILL understand that.
I tend to do lots of “sign” language when speaking in Spanish, some how I think it helps me communicate and helps them understand. And even though the conversation we’ve just had isn’t 100% in words, there have been lots of words in there and it counts as a conversation in Spanish. But the biggest benefit is, that it helps me to build up my confidence for speaking to another person in a foreign language.
Another thing I do when I am speaking to another person in Spanish is (at the level that I’m at), I don’t worry about using the correct verb tense. For me conjugating verbs in is hard enough, but conjugating a verb in another tense, on the fly while trying to think of the correct words for the rest of the sentence is tough. So I pretty much just speak in the present tense and then add words like ‘yesterday’ or ‘tomorrow’ at the end. It’s enough to communicate for the time being.
You may be thinking, what? That’s not the way to do it. But I disagree. It is the way to do it, for the simple fact that I AM SPEAKING IN SPANISH. Yes, I know, it’s not perfect Spanish, but it is Spanish, and the more I speak it, the better I get!

• Step 7 – Keep Advancing

As I mentioned earlier, learning a new language is a constant endeavor. Learning another language will be harder some days than on others. But don’t give up, keep at it. Though it may or may not take you long to be come ‘fluent’, you should continue to expand your vocabulary, composition skills, and pronunciation. If you stop moving forward, and stop learning, you WILL regress.
I know SO many people that have learned a new language, even lived in a different country for years speaking that language, but one they stop doing something everyday, whether it’s speaking the language, listening, writing, or reading – their vocabulary starts to slip, their pronunciation gets worse, their grammar starts to get sloppy, and soon they can’t speak the other language at all. Don’t let that happen to you.
Keep incorporating these tips into your daily life and doing something everyday.

• Step 8 – Help Others

They say the best way to learn something is to teach it to other people. Volunteer to help in a class, become a tutor for someone else, share the reference material that you have accumulated. Or start a blog to help share what you’ve learned!

Related posts:

1. Love Languages
2. A Quick Note From Asia
3. Bucket List

What if you could do or say just the right thing to make your girlfriend feel loved?
What if she could do or say just the right thing to make you feel loved?

If you are having a hard time communicating with your girlfriend or if you find that’s she’s talking about “needs” that’s she’s not getting, there’s a good chance that the real problem lies in your communication with each other.

When It’s Not a Gender Issue

Sometimes, interpreting your girlfriend’s feelings (and expressing your own) isn’t a gender issue, it’s a language issue. More specifically a “love language” issue. Once you and your girlfriend both discover your own love languages was well as learn about each other’s, you can both properly focus your communications of love into the ways that are the most meaningful.

Communicate Using “Love Languages”

I was first introduced to the concept of “love languages” about 2 years ago. I was considering ending my relationship, when a friend told me about The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. In his book, Dr. Chapman talks about the different way each persons loves and interprets love: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Quality Time Together.

Along with my other half, we sat down, took the quizzes and went through each of the love languages. As it turns out, my love language was “Words of Affirmation”, while his was “Quality Time Together”. We tried to put these concepts to work, and very quickly discovered that the more I tried to give him Quality Time Together, the more Words of Affirmation he gave me (and vice versa), which in turn, made me want to give him more Quality Time. It was an upward spiral.

We Love Others How We Wish To Be Loved

It’s interesting that we love others the in the same “language” we want to be loved. So if your “love language” is ‘Gifts’, meaning you feel the most love when your girlfriend gives you gifts, then you would also typically show your girlfriend that you love her buy giving her gifts. However, if her “love language” is physical touch, then all the gifts in the world aren’t going to make her feel loved.

It’s as if she’s trying to tell you that she loves you in Spanish, but you only understand and speak Chinese. It’s no wonder you can’t understand each other.

The Five Languages of Love

• Physical Touch- This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
• Words of Affirmation – Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
• Gifts – Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
• Acts of Service – Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
• Quality Time Together – In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Of course, we all have some of each of the languages in us, but tend to have one primary language. Chapman, also mentions that each person has an “emotional love tank” and when that tank is full, that’s there is no danger of the relationship ending.

Discover Your Own Love Language

The Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman

It’s easy enough to discover your love language, you can take the quiz in the book, online or download and print out a similar quiz. I prefer the quizzes that have two choice questions (the book and the PDF) as opposed to the multiple choice quiz (online). It was easier for me to make a choice between two options, rather than five at once.

Remember, It is just as important to learn your girlfriends love language, so she’ll need to do the quiz as well. I highly recommend trying this concept, I know that it really helped me to understand myself and it practically saved my relationship.

If you’ve used this idea in your own life, leave a comment below; I’d love to hear your story, successes, and challenges.

Related posts:

1. Real Love and the 4 C's of Relationships
2. A Quick Note From Asia
3. More Happy Couple Stuff

Most of the serious problems in long term relationships stem from the fact that people do not understand the true nature of love. These misconceptions can then lead to destructive conclusions which shouldn’t have to happen. A common misconception related to love is that it takes only one form. Most people tent to equate love with the behaviors and feelings common to the initial state of infatuation, when, in reality, this is just the beginning of love. For example, many of us have been lead to erroneously believe that happy, stable couples:

• Never argue.
• Are not dependent on one another
• Both want sex equally
• Never get angry
• Get all their needs met
• Share responsibilities equally
• Never feel lonely
• Always agree
• Think alike
• Never get bored
• Always know what the other wants.
• Resolve all their problems.

None of these statements are true.

Today, thanks to research, we know that love doesn’t last all by itself; you have to make it last. We also know that love goes through predictable cycles and tat each has unique characteristics and purpose. Most of us do not have an accurate picture of what a true love looks like and have erroneously come to believe that love is what is depicted in songs, books, movies, and on television. Take a look at this list of “love stories” from our culture and what they teach us about relationships:

• Romeo and Juliet
• Casablanca
• Dr. Zhivago
• The English Patient
• Bridges of Madison County
• Titanic

If you believe in the models in these screen examples, you are tricked into believing that true love will be short, intense, forbidden, and unrequited. Furthermore, every one of these relationships is limited to the very earliest state of love — infatuation. In reality, true love requires basically four elements: chemistry, compatibility, communication, and commitment. The lovers in these stories certainly had chemistry, but they never stayed together long enough to determine whether they were compatible or committed let alone try and communicate. They barely got to first base.

This limited perception of love has lead to serious misconceptions, such as:

• Infatuation equals love.
• If it isn’t perfect, it wasn’t meant to be.
• Once love dies, you can never get it back.
• Chemistry is all that matters.
• There is one true soul mate for everyone.
• Love conquers all.
• If a relationship is tough, it means you have the wrong partner.
• You can’t rekindle passion
• If you are really in love, you won’t be attracted to other people.
• If you meet the right person, you will live happily ever after.

These and other delusions have contributed to the inflated sense of discouragement many couples feel when their relationship hits a normal and predictable challenge. They can also lead individuals to give up perfectly good relationships only to find that the same difficulties show up the next time around. A common misconception about love is that is a static state: once you fall in love, you get on a high and stay there forever. This is not true. The course of true love consists of a series of highs and lows. Often when a couple believes they have fallen out of love they have simply entered a difference stage of love.

Related posts:

1. 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

by Rita Templeton (originally published here)

We may groan about how happy couples make us want to hurl, but admit it – deep down, we’re really just jealous. What makes them so sickeningly blissful? What are they doing that unhappy twosomes aren’t?

There are two types of happy couples: the ones that try to appear happy for everyone else’s sake, and the ones that are truly and genuinely content with each other. And much to the dismay of the “keeping up appearances” kind of couple, it’s usually easy to recognize the kind of people who really have a strong and harmonious relationship. They’re the ones taking pleasure in the smallest things, just because they’re doing those things together. And they’re the ones that you’re going to see strolling through the park hand-in-hand after fifty-plus years of marriage.

There’s an ongoing argument about the current percentage of marriages ending in divorce: some stats say as high as a staggering sixty percent while others are considerably lower. But both parties have to agree that whatever the official number, divorce is heartbreakingly commonplace these days. It’s safe to assume that very few people go into marriage already planning for a divorce. We all hope we’ve found the one that we can happily grow old with. So if that’s the case, why is divorce so popular – what goes wrong? What do the happily partnered couples do to keep their marriages good that the divorcing couples don’t?

They understand that love changes.
You may not know right off the bat what the word “limerence” means – but if you’ve ever had a relationship, you’ve experienced it. Limerence is the first stage of love, responsible for that gushy feeling you get, the butterflies in your stomach, and the constant, even intrusive, thoughts and fantasies of your beloved. The term was first coined in the late seventies by Dorothy Tennov, a professor of psychology at the University of Bridgeport in Connecticut. You could call it infatuation – it’s similar – but that word tends to suggest immaturity and a lack of seriousness; limerence happens to anyone, at any age, and it certainly feels serious to the person experiencing it. This stage can last anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years, and some people make the mistake of jumping into marriage at the limerence stage, thinking that because they feel such strong yearnings for this person, they must be “The One.” Then when the honeymoon is over and the limerence dies down, the couple thinks that since they no longer feel for one another what they used to, their relationship is a lost cause.

It isn’t only limerence that comes and goes in the course of a relationship; love has many stages, and this is something that successful couples understand and deal with. As each person changes over the years, which he or she inevitably will, so does the partnership. How much it changes depends on the outside variables of everyday life – work, children, etc. – but you can bet that your love won’t always be exactly the same as it was when it was fresh and new. Charles Collier, married to his wife Elsie for sixty-five years, phrased it this way: “Some days, loving someone is a choice.” You won’t always feel giddy when you look at your mate; in fact, sometimes you may feel too aggravated to look at him at all. Love, like the ocean, has a natural ebb and flow pattern – and just because it might be in its ebbing phase doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It’s important to learn to go with the flow, and not give up on your commitment too soon.

They take breaks from one another.
Contrary to what movies and romance novels may portray, committed couples aren’t together twenty-four hours a day; they don’t want to be! Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean you have to take up permanent residence in their backside. Happy couples know that they appreciate each other more if they don’t see each other all the time. After all, if you’re never away from someone, how can you miss them?

“Taking a break” doesn’t mean going away for weeks. It can be a day or even just an hour to yourself, taking time to regroup emotionally and spiritually. Everyone needs some occasional time alone. If your partner needs to get away for a bit, don’t take it personally or lay on a big guilt trip. Consider it valuable time for you to do things you’d like to do by yourself.

They stay affectionate.
You probably won’t see a long-term couple shoving their tongues down each other’s throats on a park bench (if you do, they may be the aforementioned “appearances” kind of couple). But what you will see as a common denominator among happy twosomes are the smaller things: hand holding, a pat on the back, a peck on the cheek, a stroke of the hair. Touch is absolutely crucial to a relationship, and I’m talking about nonsexual physical contact here. It shows your partner that you still care, that you still love the feel of his hands or her hair, and it shows the world that firmly attached and proud to be with your mate.

Don’t underestimate the power of touch; major sources of marital drama can stem from something as simple as a loss of affectionate gestures. If you’ve gradually stopped holding hands and you can’t remember the last time you gave an impromptu peck on the cheek, your partner may be inclined to read into it and entertain a variety of theories: you’ve stopped loving her. You’re cheating on him. You don’t find her attractive or worthy any more. This can cause a domino effect of diminished communication, anxiety, and resentment, and before you know it – boom! – you may find your relationship on the rocks. It would be sad to let a relationship wither and die over something as trivial as a miscommunication about the quality or frequency of affection, such an easily fixable problem.

There are lots of ways to be affectionate with your partner without making onlookers want to scream, “Get a room!” There’s nothing wrong with holding hands in public: as you’re walking together, waiting in line somewhere, or at the movies. Neither will anyone be offended by a quick kiss or a warm hug. Play footsie with each other under the table at a restaurant. At home, shower or bathe together when given the opportunity. Make affection a priority: don’t forget to make time to hug and kiss your partner before you leave for work. Even when you’re in a hurry you can still throw in an affectionate gesture – a pat on the back as you’re on your way to answer the phone, for example. And nothing makes your partner feel more needed, wanted, and loved than straight-up asking for a hug or kiss.

Affection provides emotional warmth and a reassurance of your love. Happy couples don’t begrudge their partners of those things – they don’t hold back their caring physical expressions.

They treat each other with respect.
Aretha Franklin had it right: all we need is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It’s funny if you stop to think about it: we treat perfect strangers with more respect than we treat the ones we love sometimes. It’s unbelievable how far a little common courtesy will go in a relationship – if you’re going to be late, call. If you’re thinking about going out, discuss it with your mate in advance rather than an hour before you’re supposed to leave with your friends. Be courteous and polite. Your mate deserves your consideration!

They maintain their independence.
It’s an all-too-common scenario: you have two separate people, David and Vanessa. Then David and Vanessa become a couple, and before you know it, they morph into Davidnessa. Nearly all of us can relate; I’m sure you’ve had a friend ditch you in favor of an exciting new love before. Unfortunately, it happens. And it’s easy to let it happen.

Successful couples know that they must maintain their independence in order to be the best partner they can be. One way to do this is to not lose touch with your friends. Designate a time to be with them, at least once a week, and enjoy yourself – and no fudging by bringing your guy along as if it were a group date. You can handle an afternoon or evening away from your partner, and besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Your mate should add something to your life, not take away from it. Don’t give up on doing the activities you enjoyed before you became somebody’s “other half.” The two of you are still individuals, just as you always have been – a fact that should be celebrated, not changed. Spending too much time attached at the hip can make one or both parties feel smothered, so it’s crucial that you both keep pursuing your own interests; it’s perfectly okay if he doesn’t like to go to your Wednesday evening scrapbooking sessions or if you don’t feel like being dragged along to yet another wrestling match. Sharing your interests can be healthy, but it isn’t necessary – nor is it recommended – to share every single one. You need some things for yourself. Keep your scrapbooking date, and let him have his night out with the guys.

It’s also easy to lose your identity in a relationship if one side tends to dominate. If you find yourself bending to your mate’s every whim, doing everything he wants to do with no input of your own, stop it! Your input is just as important as his. If you’re going to thrive as a couple, you’re going to have to learn to stand up for yourself.

They split up the household chores.
There’s not much that can sour a person’s lovin’ mood faster than feeling like the hired help. When one person does the majority of the household drudgery, that’s exactly what ends up happening – they feel like an underpaid, underappreciated manservant; then resentment builds. Author and syndicated columnist Azriela Jaffe says, “Most of us fight with each other about who’s working harder than whom, who’s making the most mess in the house and who should clean it up. … Give up this notion of what’s fair. You can fight for the rest of your marriage about what’s fair and never solve it.”

To get both parties equally involved in chores, assign them by skill and preference – not stereotype. Just because he’s a macho man doesn’t mean he can’t give the living room a good swipe with the feather duster, and just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t put a little muscle into mowing the yard. Decide who does what chore the best, and divvy them up that way. For chores that you can do together, such as raking leaves, make it fun by having a leaf fight or jumping into the pile after you’ve raked it. Or if you’re alone together in the house, lock the doors and have some raunchy fun with naked housecleaning (you can still clean the house together if you want to make it G-rated, of course; just crank up some music and clean fully clothed). If you and your partner still can’t delegate chores without bickering, hire a housekeeper – the price will be worth the valuable peace that’s restored to your household!

They rely on each other, not their parents.
Girls, we’re all guilty of it – having a fight with our husbands and running directly to complain to our mothers. But guys aren’t off the hook; although they may be less frequently guilty of this, they still do it. Happy couples know that when they have a disagreement, they can settle it by themselves without having to involve a one-sided third party. It doesn’t even have to be a disagreement – many people seek counsel from their parents about a pressing issue regarding the partnership rather than talking about it with their significant other. Either way, one party feels either left out or resentful. The first task in a serious and dedicated relationship is to separate from your family of origin; you’re forming a new family now. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be involved with your parents, siblings, and extended family! It just means that now, you have your own family to think about, and there isn’t room for Mom or Dad when it comes to making important decisions.

They’ve mastered the art of constructive arguing.
Howard Markman, Ph.D., head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, said in a report to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “The quality of the couple’s communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success.” He went on to add, “Many people believe that the causes of marital problems are the differences between people and problem areas such as money, sex, and children. However, our findings indicate it is not the differences that are important, but how these differences and problems are handled, particularly early in marriage.”

So what does this mean for the successful couples? They’ve learned the problem-solving and communication skills necessary to effectively manage the negative emotions that sometimes arise in a relationship. In short, they know how to argue productively.

If there’s an issue that you need to work out with your partner, you’ll get the best results if you approach it at a time when things are good. If you approach the issue in a time when you’re already snippy with each other over something, or one of you is in a bad mood, you’ll just end up bickering and going around in circles, not really solving anything. Since the real purpose of arguing is to eventually come to an agreement, you’ll need to put your listening ears on – don’t just dominate the conversation. You should allow your mate to express thoughts and feelings about the situation without interruption. In turn, you should receive the same courtesy. And be completely honest when you’re discussing something important. Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind – and conversely, don’t think you can read his! Don’t tell him what he thinks; he should be the one telling you.

When discussing a problem, keep it confined to the topic at hand. So often we tend to get defensive and start pointing fingers and dredging up past wrongs. A couple may start out to discuss their financial difficulties, but I can guarantee that if the discussion starts getting heated, it will somehow segue into a rant about the time he was seen at the bar with another woman, or about how she nags and nitpicks. It is very easy to just let it all come out, but in order to constructively discuss something you’ll have to stick to one issue at a time. Which means you’ll have to keep any possible emotional flare-ups in check.

They stay attractive for each other.
When you’re in a new relationship, you spend extra time on your appearance so your beloved won’t notice your cowlick or your saddlebags. You’re so attracted to each other’s looks that you can hardly keep your hands off of one another. Then, once the newness wears off and you’ve been in the relationship for a while, you dare to take your makeup off or bare your ugly feet in the other’s presence. And then it gets really bad – the years go by, and suddenly you’re doing “number two” with the bathroom door open and asking your sweetie to pluck stray hairs out of weird places – things you never would have dreamed of doing in the beginning, lest your lover find you less attractive.

There’s a lot to be said for reaching that level of extreme comfort with someone. But at the same time, it’s important not to completely let yourself go one hundred percent of the time. Losing your physical attraction to your mate can cause serious problems, because like it or not, this type of attraction is a big factor in relationships. When you aren’t attracted to your partner any more, it’s like a domino effect: your sex life suffers, your partner’s self-esteem suffers, you withdraw, and bam! – there are problems.

Inevitably, our looks will change as the years go by because of aging, kids, and so on. But regardless of the toll that time takes on you, do your best to keep yourself attractive for your mate. Keep your body in reasonable shape and try out a different hair style once in a while. If there’s a particular outfit that you know your partner likes you in, wear it sometimes. As long as the demands aren’t unrealistic – such as looking twenty when you’re actually forty-five – maintaining your looks can help keep your relationship fresh.

They keep sex spicy.
Speaking of freshness, it’s not just for the contents of your refrigerator. Happy couples know that it’s crucial to keep things fresh in the bedroom, too. When you’ve been with the same person for month after month, year after year, it’s hard (uh, no pun intended) not to fall into a routine. But spicing up your sex life is relatively easy; all it takes is a willingness to experiment and a little bit of dedication.

Scheduling intimacy may sound equal to hopping on the fast track to Boringville, but it can actually be quite the contrary. In order for a relationship to thrive, a couple must make time for sexual closeness. We often allow life to get in the way, and sex becomes a low priority on the list – something we may or may not get done later, after we worry about this and take care of that. In order to avoid this scenario, pencil in an hour or so with your honey a couple of times a week. Lie in bed together naked and touching, and just talk candidly about your day. It doesn’t have to lead to sex, but nine times out of ten it does.

The element of surprise can also help to keep your between-the-sheets action innovative. You know your partner better than anyone, so don’t do anything that would cause feelings of discomfort (physical or otherwise) – but bringing home a new toy, adult video, or a piece of racy lingerie once in a while can work wonders. You don’t have to feel like a pervert slinking into an adult novelty store (although there are lots of non-perverts that visit them, thank you very much); there are many online sites that will ship your order discreetly in an unmarked package.

They take an interest in each other.
Have you ever had the opportunity to see your spouse at work? Sometimes seeing your significant other doing his or her job can give you a whole new perspective – and a whole new respect for what your partner does. If you have the chance to watch your loved one work, do; if not, find out all you can about what they do during the day. Ask questions and really listen when they answer.

This works with hobbies, as well. Even if you don’t particularly like horse racing, learn about it if he’s an avid fan. If she loves musical theater, accompany her to a show. Taking an interest in your spouse, and in their favorite pastimes, says, “I think you’re very important and I really care about what you do.” And there isn’t a person on this earth that doesn’t love to feel important and special.

Blissful couples don’t have some sort of far-out cosmic connection that only happens to certain people – they’re just lucky enough to know what it takes to maintain harmony within a relationship. Relationships take work. They aren’t self-sufficient; like gardens, they need nurturing, love, and most importantly, to be adaptable to different conditions. And happily paired people know that, and put in the required effort, going above and beyond when necessary. It is couples like that who are still together fifty, sixty, seventy years down the road – and now that you know their secrets, you can be, too.

Related posts:

1. 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

My mom gave me a print out of an article (mom’s are always doing that sort of thing, at least mine is) entitled Secrets of Happy Couples, during a time when I was going through a rough patch in my relationship. I’ve tried to find it again online, to no avail. I’ve kept this article with me throughout the years and have referred back to it often.

It was written by Mark Goulston, M.D. and I’d like to thank him wherever he is!

Happy couples know that the real relationship begins when the honeymoon is over. Unless you maintain the garden of love, it’s beauty will wither and die. So let’s explore the 10 things that happy couples do:

1. Go to bed at the same time. Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partners wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests. After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side. Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode. If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right rather than what he or she does wrong. If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work. Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirt against anonymity in the world.

7. Stay “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning. This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines, and other annoyances.

8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel. This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day. Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner. Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back or neck. They are not showing off, but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Even if these actions don’t come naturally, happy couples stick with them until they do become a part of their relationship. They know that it takes 30 days for a chance in behavior to become a habit, and a minimum of six months for a habit to become a way of life and love.

No related posts.