Even though I’ve been neglecting tummy-troubles, asizCreations has been prospering. I opened the old notebooks. I wrote some new stuff as well. And my “poetry” blog was born and has grown.

If you’ve not noticed the link here’s your chance to see a different side of me.

An asiz “poetry” blog

A time will come when I’ll be posting here again but until then please check out my “poems” and follow me on my creative journey.

♪ Listening to Panic! at the Disco ♪

Depression. Some people throw the word around like candy at a parade but it is nothing to be taken lightly. It can become debilitating. It’s a nasty disorder that could potentially push someone over the edge. Literally, the edge when life becomes death.

Everyone handles their depression differently. Some seek professional therapy or counseling, which may or may not be accompanied by medications. Some may have a special person in their life that understands and accepts them and helps them get through it. Others try to handle matters internally, fearful of judgment that will be bestowed upon them by others.

At different points in my 32 years, I have experienced all three. I’ll save you the small details of every time I did each one and get to my point of all this.

Starting with the latter, about a year after my second son was born I started rolling downhill. It wasn’t until it was almost too late before it became obvious to those around me how depressed I had become. A combination of all things “my life” weighed on me but, I continued to hide it from everyone. I felt so alone and a moment finally came that I couldn’t take it anymore. The details of that night are still a painful memory. And even though I have learned from it, almost 8 years later, I still struggle with talking about it. In fact, only 3 people even know that night happened.

My point is that, almost to my detriment, I hid what was going on in my head from everyone. As much as I wish it never happened, it did. It took me years to get to a point that I accepted my actions from that night and ultimately learned how to never allow myself to get to that dark place again. Like addictions, it’s a lifelong ongoing battle. I say all this so that you, the reader, will either understand that what you’re feeling isn’t abnormal or to help you better understand the person you think may be depressed. The worst place for a depressed person to be is alone in their head.

Now, all that being said, it’s been longer than I can remember since I’ve had that true blue that I can call on anytime. However, I have managed to train myself over the years to be able to recognize when I’m getting to a place I may not walk away from. It was a long and arduous process but it was one of the best things I’ve ever taught myself. I just couldn’t put my boys through that kind of pain.

It was soon after the aforementioned moment since I last sought professional help. I had tried a few therapists but, finding someone I could connect with became more of a burden than a salvation. I suppose that could just be me though. I’m real particular about who I will open my inner world to. So, my dear readers, I hope that makes you feel as special to me as you are.

Just like my Crohn’s, my depression goes in and out of remission. I am currently on the upswing thankfully after quite some time of fighting (and writing). My aspiration now, is that by finally opening the door to my deepest and darkest secret, I will provide some insight into the disease that is depression. If you, or someone you know, ever needs someone that understands please contact me.

♪ Listening to Mikky Ekko ♪

“Now paranoia is setting in and I’m falling from the stars again while every part of me screams hold on. Cause if you can’t learn to bend than you break. Oh my God how long does it take? Every lesson we learned took so long but it made us strong” – ‘Watch Me Rise’

“I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.”

Traditionally, these words, or something close to them, are said at every wedding. In fact, I said these words to my husband over 5 years ago. I meant every word. After all, you’re supposed to. These days’ people get divorced at an alarming rate but, I digress. My point is that aren’t these same words, exchanged before God and all present, just as sacred for those that are linked by blood? It’s an unspoken oath, right? In my experience, not so much.

I’m not going to bad mouth my family, they are who they are. However, after recent events, I’ve come to the conclusion that none of them will ever understand me and what my diseases have done to me, both physically and mentally. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve tried to atone. I’ve repeated them. But, at no point have any of my actions been anything short of trying to deal with my diseases on my own. The government sure isn’t in any hurry to help someone that’s in desperate need. I can’t work. So that leaves just me fending for myself trying to survive.

In all honesty, it pains me to admit all that. I love my dad. He’s always been there for me no matter what. You know the kind of unconditional love that a parent is supposed to have for their child. However, even that love has diminished significantly in the past month. It truly breaks my heart which only adds more stress to an already stressed out body. The others, well, I really didn’t expect anything less of them. But again, I digress.

So here I sit, trying to convey how difficult life has been for way too long. I feel like I’m in a 6 foot hole that is caving in around me. It’s a terrible feeling to not be loved or understood by those you want it the most from. Of course, I exclude my sons in that statement. Our love IS as it should be. I’ve worked very hard to make sure of that!

I’ve spoke of love before and it bears repeating…

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

That’s what He said love was. Who can really say they love in this way anymore? Sure I struggle with a few parts, I am only human, but at least I constantly strive to achieve all of it. Just about everyone I know takes those precious words for granted. They throw “I love you” around like a child does his toys. No one seems to know what those words really mean anymore. In addition to the aforementioned, love to me is about understanding. Take the time to realize what I’m dealing with. Look at things from my point of view. Understand all of me, not just what you think you may know. Do your research. Ask me questions. I’ll be honest and respectful towards you as long as you do the same.

A friend of mine recently told me, “Girl, you really were dealt a bad hand. I hate if for you but, I get it.” We’re not close by any stretch but, it was nice to finally hear someone say those few words to me. It seems silly, I know. But, when you’ve never heard someone genuinely say, “I understand what you’re going through” it strikes a chord. For better or worse, he understood me for me.

His words also came at just the right time. I mentioned before that I felt like I was in a hole and he gave me just that little glimmer of light that I needed. I’m not in the headspace that I want but, that’s for next time my words come across your screen.

Hopefully, it won’t be as long as last time.

♪ Listening to John Newman ♪

No, she didn’t ask for it
She saw her life a different way
But that candle’s no longer lit
The world gets a little darker each day

She puts up a front and puts up a fight
Everyday she’s beat down by life
Still she tries with all her might
To try and overcome the strife

She knows there’s no promise of tomorrow
That today has to be the best it can be
She will no longer bathe in the pain and sorrow
Beat up and broken, for better or worse
This is me

The current struggle I’m dealing with is one that I’ve dealt with my entire life: confrontation.

I have gotten better about it over the years. First, it was just writing in a journal (which continues to this day.) Then it evolved to writing a letter to the person I had a grievance with. In the past few months, I’ve grown to be comfortable in speaking my mind over the phone. I’d say that I’ve made leaps and bounds from a child holding everything in. However, even with my improvements, it’s not enough. I have one major step left to take before I’m happy with my improvements.

Face to face.

Not being afraid of how the other person will react. Not being afraid to stand up for myself and my thoughts. Not being so defeated by my diseases that I falter in the very basics of human relations: honesty, communication, and love.

It’s too late to salvage some relationships, but that has little to do with my epiphany. I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing this solely to better myself. I’m done thinking that this will all fix itself. I’m done with all the internal anguish. I want to be someone that I’m happy with and I am going to get there. Let’s face it, you hold things in and not only does the stress eat away your insides, but it diminishes your mental and emotional state as well.

I’m tired of being in a bad head space more days than not because I’m afraid of just talking to someone that’s pissed me off. I’m tired of worrying about what they’re going to say or do in response. I’m just tired of living life in fear. Afraid of my diseases, health, other people, everything.

Fearing it all is not living life, it’s waiting to die.

I’m ready to live, love, and be loved.

Click to view slideshow.

♪ Listening to Stone Sour – “House of Gold and Bones Pt. 2” ♪

“I’m tired of being the statue. For once, I’d like to be the pigeon.”

Our situations and current struggles are different but we connect in the fact that we just can’t seem to get above water no matter how hard we try. There seems to always be something that keeps pulling us back into the dark recesses of life.

I try my very best not to post all my woes, hence why my posts are growing fewer and further apart. However, I felt the need to not only acknowledge the wonderful woman that is there for me no matter what but also to just write again.

I miss writing and posting. I miss it terribly. I just refuse to post all my sorrows. I know that others have it worse and I try my best not to forget that but, it does happen. (More than I’ll willingly admit.)

That being said, with my computer on its last leg (which makes blogging all the more cumbersome), dealing with family stuff, and obviously my health issues, I’m pretty exhausted mentally and physically.

I’m trying to stay positive. I’ve accomplished a few things that needed to be done years ago but, I feel like I should be doing more to make my life better, as well as, my loved one’s lives. I try, I do. It just doesn’t seem like it’s never enough.

 I wonder if others with dibilitating health conditions have the same struggles with self worth.

I wonder if I’ll ever be to a point when I can say “I’m happy. I’m happy with my life and who I am.”

I wonder if I’ll ever be the pigeon.

♪ Listening to OneRepublic – “Native” ♪

With all the sh** that my life has dealt me, both internally and externally, I have always sought comfort in these few verses:

” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”   1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Religious or not, these words speak truth. Love IS all these things. The catch, in life, is finding someone that is willing to abide as well as, being able to yourself.

It’s not always an easy task.

I’ve faltered. Sure. Absolutely.

But, no matter the circumstances, I always refer back to these few sentences. I will try to love you like the Lord says to and, in return, I hope you will give me the same. If, by chance, thats not acceptable, then you are not worthy of my love or my time.

Long and short, love me as you should, faults (health issues especially included) and all because that is what

♪ Listening to Rob Thomas ♪

Either way, this Gluten Free and budget friendly delight was concocted. Added bonus: my Lil Pal wanted to help. It took twice the amount of time to cook (and clean up) but, the enjoyment on his face was more than worth it!

Pork Tenderloin Cordon Bleu

Ingredients

2 lbs Pork Tenderloin, butterflied

4-6 slices Ham lunchmeat

4-6 slices Baby Swiss Cheese

1 TBS Garlic, minced

1 ½ TBS Lemon Pepper Seasoning

Salt and Pepper to taste

2 Eggs, slightly beaten

1/3 cup Gluten Free Bisquick

3 ½ oz (half a box) Glutino Table Crackers, broken into bread crumb size pieces

Approximately 10 toothpicks, presoaked in water (to prevent burning while cooking).

Directions

Preheat oven to 350°F

Butterflying Pork Tenderloin can be a little tricky. So, for someone inexperienced with the technique, here is a helpful video.

I opted for the “roll cutting” method but, either will suffice.

Once, the pork is butterflied, rub the garlic on both sides and sprinkle lightly with salt and pepper. Take ½ TBS of the Lemon Pepper Seasoning and evenly distribute on both sides of the pork.

Evenly lay out the ham onto the pork. The amount used will depend on how flattened the pork is as well as, how big the ham slices are.

Lay out the cheese on top of the ham. Again, the amount will vary.

Very gently, begin to roll the pork on to itself. (Refer to the video again for assistance on this technique.)

Insert the presoaked toothpicks into the loose end of the pork, approximately one inch apart. Use more or less toothpicks to ensure the roll is held tightly.

Take the remaining TBS of Lemon Pepper Seasoning and a few tsp of salt and pepper and combine well into the cracker crumbs. Normally you would just use regular GF bread crumbs. However, my store doesn’t carry them. They do have Udi’s bread (which I’ve been told is good) however, I can’t justify the price for so little bread.

Gently coat the pork roll in the GF Bisquick.

Then dip the pork into the beaten eggs. Allow any excess to drip off.

Next, cover the roll in the seasoned table cracker crumbs.

Lightly cover a baking pan with cooking spray and lay the rolled pork in the pan.

Bake at 350°F for 1 hour or until golden brown.

Allow the pork to rest for 10-15 minutes before slicing and serving.

Tempura Chicken

Ingredients

Vegetable oil for frying

Batter

1 ½ cups Ice Cold Ginger Ale

1 ½ cups Gluten Free Bisquick

1 TBS Cornstarch

2 TBS Lemon Pepper Seasoning

2 TBS Garlic Powder

2 TBS Onion Powder

2 TBS Chili Powder

1 TBS Salt

Marinade

3 Chicken Breasts cut into 1 inch pieces

3 TBS Balsamic Vinegar

1 TBS Minced Garlic

1 TBS Freshly Grated Ginger

1 TBS Lemon Pepper Seasoning

1 TBS Onion Powder

1 TBS Salt

Milk to cover chicken

Directions

Combine all ingredients for the marinade in a covered container or zip top bag. Allow chicken to soak for at least 4 hours in the refrigerator.

Put the Ginger Ale in the freezer 15 to 20 minutes prior to preparing the batter so that it is cold but not frozen.

Heat at least 4 inches of oil in a large sauté pot over medium–high heat.

Whisk together all the ingredients for the batter in a bowl.

Remove the chicken from the marinade and put in the batter.

Carefully drop 1 piece of chicken at a time into the hot oil. Don’t put more than 5 or 6 pieces in at a time. (This is you don’t crowd the pot or bring the temperature of the oil down. The oil needs to be hot to get the right texture.)

Allow the chicken to cook for 3 to 5 minutes or golden brown. So that the pieces don’t stick together, use tongs to keep them separated for the first 30 to 45 seconds.

Remove chicken and allow to rest on a paper towel lined plate.

I have a weakness for cooking shows.

I’ve yet to find one that caters to my particular needs but, I like it that way. I have fun turning recipes into Gluten Free and financially sound treats for me and mine. This is the perfect example of just that!

The original idea came from Bobby Deen who, funny enough, was making a healthier version of his mom’s dish.  So, natural progression said that I take it one step further and make it GF without breaking the bank.

Pork and Veggie Stir Fry

Ingredients

8 oz Rice Noodles

8 oz Pork Tenderloin, cut into thin strips

4 oz Giorgio Stir Fry Mushrooms

2 tsp Cornstarch

2 TBS Worcestershire Sauce

2 TBS Balsamic Vinegar

1 TBS fresh ginger, zested

1 TBS Sugar

½ TBS Salt

1 clove Garlic, minced

Zest and juice of 1 Lemon

2 TBS Vegetable Oil

1 medium Onion, quartered and seperated

1 cup Napa Cabbage, shredded

1 Zucchini, sliced thin and halved

1 Egg, lightly beaten

1/2 cup Cashews, finely chopped

Directions

Prepare the rice noodles according to the package.

Place the pork and mushrooms in a mixing bowl and add the cornstarch. Toss well to coat.

 Whisk together 2 tsp water, Worcestershire sauce, balsamic vinegar, ginger, sugar, salt, garlic and lemon zest and juice in a separate bowl.

Preheat a wok or large skillet over high heat and pour in the vegetable oil.

Add the pork and mushrooms and onion. Cook until the pork is cooked through, about 5-10 minutes.

Add the sauce mixture, cabbage and zucchini at the same time and cook until the cabbage gets soft.

Pour in the beaten egg and cook until cooked through.

Stir in the noodles to combine.

Transfer to a serving platter and top with cashews.

Serve immediately.