Ask Deborah E >> Advice Column

I Don’t Like That He Is Cheating

Deborah — Thu, 17 May 2012 11:00:29 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "My husband is cheating on me and I don't like it. What do I do about it?"

Cheating is such a painful, horrible thing to deal with, and hurts deeply.

I wrote another post on this, here, at He Is Cheating and Denies It. What Do I Do?.

Before proceeding with any action, you will want to verify that the cheating is occurring, directly with your husband. Also, you will want to let your husband know that this cheating hurts you deeply and hurts your marriage and that you would like him to stop cheating, assuming that that is what you want him to do.

My Father Keeps Gambling Our Money Away

Deborah — Mon, 14 May 2012 11:00:33 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "My father has a gambling addiction and is always gambling away our money. I try to tell him that he needs to stop, but he becomes mad and refuses to admit he has a problem. How do I help him, without making him more upset?"

That is really a difficult situation, and so astute of you to recognize that it is an addiction. It is a sickness, but that doesn't make it "ok" for the family, but rather, helps us to understand the basis.

It appears your father needs help and counseling, but I'm sure that you realize that. It is understandable that when you "tell" your father to stop, that he is going to become defensive and as a part of that defensive mechanism, he is going to react, in this case, with anger. None of us want to hear that we are wrong and even if your father also believes he is wrong, he isn't going to want to hear it from his child. And, it is not unusual for people to deny that they have a problem. Unless he is 100% thinking that gambling is 100% wrong, he is going to say that he doesn't have a problem with gambling. In the same way, unless an alcoholic believes that alcohol, even a drop, is wrong, he or she is going to believe that their drinking is fine and that they do not have a problem.

Always Want To Cry When You Hear The Voice

Deborah — Thu, 10 May 2012 11:00:49 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "Someone you know has died. How do you not cry when you think of them? How can life just go on without her? How can you stop thinking about her and let life go on? What if you miss this person 24 hours and you can never forget them? You will always want to cry when you hear the voice."

Oh, honey, life, and the death of loved ones, sometimes hurts and hurts. Being able to share that hurt helps us to realize how human we truly are and how much we need one another, for as long as we each have here together.

There are two things in your question that I want to highlight for you. First, it is OK to cry! Cry, cry, and then cry some more. It is the expression of our heart and soul and crying wasn't meant to be bottled up and denied. When it is denied, it can sometimes become self-destructive and even outwardly destructive to other people. But, most importantly, let the tears flow. The tear are normal and what make you a human being who feels, hurts, and loves.

I Am Afraid, But Want To Show My Talent

Deborah — Mon, 07 May 2012 11:00:10 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "What if you have a really awesome talent and you're afraid to show that talent but you want to show your talent every day?"

I am so happy for you and for the talent that have the privilege of possessing and sharing!

You know what I have discovered about you? You are human!

Being afraid is a normal feeling, especially when your talent is meaningful to you and you desire to do your best. The fear can be helpful in motivating us to strive to do our best and to prepare as much as possible for the demonstration of that talent.

What If You Like a Boy and He Likes You?

Deborah — Thu, 03 May 2012 11:00:23 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "What if you like a boy and you think he likes you? What should the person do?"

I would say you are really in good shape if you like a boy and you think he likes you! Excellent!

If you really want to be sure, you can ask him, but you know, sometimes this tender stage of the relationship is best enjoyed by just breathing it in slowly and enjoying every moment. There is no pressure for this relationship to reach perfection in the next twenty four hours, so enjoy. Enjoy the relationship, but more than that, the friendship, and don't put any pressure on him, and especially, don't put pressure on yourself. Enjoy the time together, finding fun games, activities, conversations, and opportunities to get to know one another better... without pressure.

I Am Married And Still Dating My Ex

Deborah — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 11:00:30 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "Hi Deborah, i just got married this year, in January, but before that i was dating another girl. i have a problem. It is now getting bigger and bigger. I still love my ex-girlfriend and we are still dating. I don't know how can i stop this. I am trying not to think about her but I can't. Help me. How can i stop loving her? I want peace of mind."

This is a difficult situation, being married to one person and in love with another person. Some of these decisions depend on your culture and beliefs, so I will leave that to you, as far as how much, or how little, those play into your decision making process.

Let me ask you. Are you in love with your current spouse? If you are so much more in love with the woman that you are dating, and have been all along, that is something that you may want to consider, rather than prolonging the pain for all people involved. However, I am not suggesting that you end the marriage, but rather, take a personal assessment of where you are in your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with your girlfriend, especially in light of the fact that the marriage seems to be less than four months old and this dating relationship has been going on this whole time. I would not want to see anyone hurt more than they are already hurt, including your spouse.

Her Parents Told Her To Break It Off

Deborah — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:00:01 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I have been in love for almost a year. When my girlfriend told her mother about our relationship, her mother got angry and asked my girlfriend to stop the relationship at once. My girlfriend is her only daughter. My girlfriend loves her parents dearly, too. After that incident, the way my girlfriend messages me and the way she talks to me is like she is avoiding me. It really hurts. This has been going on for three, almost four months, and yesterday she messaged me that she would like to end this relationship. I tried to comfort her, but nothing worked. What should I do? I really do need her and I can't live without her. Please help me."

I can certainly understand how painful this is, how your heart yearns for your girlfriend and to comfort her and how it seems that it his her mother that is standing in your way, and not only that, but that your girlfriend may need a sort of rescuing and you feel that you want to do that.

This first question that should be asked, getting it out of the way, is age of your girlfriend. While this will differ from country to country and culture to culture, there may be some things to take into consideration. For example, if your girlfriend is not an adult, then her mother may be that much more concerned, and feel that she has that much more "say" in what her daughter does, depending on government laws and the culture.

I Am Newly Married and Want A Separation Already

Deborah — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 11:00:02 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I am 23 years old, living in India. i got engaged in Nov 2011 and I'm legally married. My partner is 27 years old, living in Australia. We both are very opposite persons. We were having small small issues and now it's turning to become such big issues that I want a separation from him. He loves me and I don't want to separate, but i don't feel like even talking to him. Please help me out. Thank you."

Oh, that is such a hard situation to be in, and so young to be facing such a situation! I feel for you in this time of difficulty.

It appears that you do have some desire to retain this marriage. However, it was interesting to note that you said he loves you and that you do not want to end the marriage. Do you love him? Another question to you is whether the ending of the marriage, and the reluctance to do so, is based on love or obligation. It is honorable to stay married out of obligation, but it is also helpful if you understand what your reasons are, for yourself, so that you may better address them.

It seems, with both of you in separate countries, that you are already, effectively, separated. However, you mentioned that you still have issues, in spite of the geographical separation. What would be really helpful is if you could meet with a counselor and figure out what

A Married Man Paid For My Education and I’m In Love

Deborah — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 01:58:15 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I'm in love with a married man. I have tried so hard to let go but I still cant. He is also responsible for my education. What should I do now?"

I realize that this love you have for this married man is intense and you feel it deeply, but you need to be able to look at the situation from all aspects, including your heart. It is interesting that you wrote this question, as it is very similar to another question I received recently, I Can't Lose The Married Man I Love. Please check out that Ask Deborah E question/answer, as well.

You mentioned that this married man is "also responsible for [your] education." What does that mean, exactly? I noted it as "paying" for your education, but the phrase "responsible" may have other meanings, as well. For example, he may be a teacher or another professional within an educational facility. If this is the case, then the answer to your question takes on another facet beyond the fact that he is married, and that needs to be considered, as well.

My Husband Doesn’t Seem To Love Our Unborn Baby

Deborah — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 18:26:47 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I am a newly married girl and I have a very happy married life. My husband loves me a lot, but now I'm pregnant. We were not planning for a baby, yet, but, unexpectedly I got pregnant. My husband never talks about the baby. He always takes care of me. He always used to say take care of yourself, but never says take care of the baby as well and never shows any excitement towards the baby as the other fathers do. I'm so depressed. Tell me what I should do .."

I am a newly married girl and I have a very happy married life. My husband loves me a lot, but now I'm pregnant. We were not planning for a baby, yet, but, unexpectedly I got pregnant. My husband never talks about the baby. He always takes care of me. He always used to say take care of yourself, but never says take care of the baby as well and never shows any excitement towards the baby as the other fathers do. I'm so depressed. Tell me what I should do ..

Oh, honey, I ache for you. It is a tough job, physically, emotionally, relationally, everything-ally, to carry a child within you and to have your body going through all sorts of different things, your emotions on roller coasters and hormones making you feel like you are not the same person. But, what you are experiencing is very beautiful and I'm sure you realize that. I also don't want you to worry so much about the situation that you

Out Of Nowhere, He Breaks Up With Me!

Deborah — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 11:00:46 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I've been in a relationship for 3 years with a guy. Last week he told me that he does not want to continue with me further. i was collapsed after hearing this. He says he wants to make his career so that he can concentrate only on his work. He said for me to never call or try to contact him. i cant understand how can he can do this. I don't think he loves me anymore. Besides, we had our normal fights. Last year he had also broken up for some other gal in his life, but still i accepted him and gave him a chance. Please help me. What shall I do? Will I get my love back forever?"

Oh, the pain of heartbreak. There is nothing quite like it, and it hurts so deeply. My heart goes out to yours, in what you are going through right now.

Three years is a long time and the longer the relationship goes on, the harder it is for a break-up and the more "pull" we feel to get back together again, as if life will never return to normal without that other person. We have become so accustomed to being with that person, good, bad, and otherwise, that being apart sometimes seems unbearable. That only puts more stress on an already touchy situation.

Should I Give Him Permission To…?

Deborah — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 16:00:42 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "My boyfriend wants to go swimming with his school guy friends. Should I give him my permission? I'm jealous and worried because there are some girls who will be there. :("

I can certainly understand your concern. And, we women tend to be wired in that way, to fear that other women may attract our man.

Let's play a little game for a moment. But, before we do, let me ask you this. Do you require your boyfriend give you permission before you go shopping with the girls? If the answer is, "Yes," that he has to give his permission, how does that make you feel? If that is the way that you want it, then, I suppose the relationship is right where you want it to be and you both are comfortable asking permission of each other before making decisions. That is not a bad thing, just something that you and your boyfriend need to be able to articulate, as far as comfort levels and boundaries.

I Can’t Lose The Married Man I Love

Deborah — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:00:26 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I met someone married. i know this relationship is wrong, but I love him so much and I can't lose him. What should i do?"

I can understand the feeling of true love and the desire to hold onto the one you love, forever, and wanting to be with that person always.

Before I answer your question, let's play a little exercise, ok?

From the tone of your question, I believe that you are definitely experiencing very strong emotions for this man and desire to be with him. Let's pretend, for a moment, that you are the woman that he married, and you have these feelings of love for your husband. How would you feel knowing that you may lose this man that you love and that he may love another woman?

My Ex Proposed To Me, But…

Deborah — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:00:11 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "Hi,

I am from Mauritius. Actually, last month, my ex proposed to me again. He said that he really loves me and that he wanted to be with me again. After a few days, I told him, "Yes," as i still have some feelings for him.

It's been nearly one month that we have been together, but the thing is that he neither calls me nor texts me. It's always me who calls him, but when I call him, it's whether he is busy or there's someone coming to disturb me.

We are never free for a real discussion.

I just want your opinion, what should i do? I really want things between us to get better but i don't know how to do that.

Can you please help me?

Waiting for your reply, eagerly,
Nirvana"

That is normally an exciting time, to accept a proposal and prepare for your future together with the person you love, and for that, I congratulate you.

However, from your tone in your letter, it sounds as if you have "settled" for this man. I do not get a sense that you are "jumping for joy" over the proposal or the idea of spending your life with him. That would cause me to be a bit concerned, in your shoes.

I once received the advice that you don't marry the person you can live with, but rather, marry the person you cannot live without.

Is He Cheating On Me While Traveling?

Deborah — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 16:00:41 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I am in love with a certain man. He travels abroad and I stay in Kenya. He comes only ones a year. We met last year when he was in the UK and he told me he would go to my parents but he didn't, when he came. I love this man. Or, is he cheating on me?"

It is really tricky and takes a lot of dedication and determination to maintain a long distance relationship. I do not know how much you see this man, or how much time you are able to spend with him, but a person who travels extensively, or even simply "quite a bit," can cause a relationship to feel like it is a long distance relationship, even if you both live in the same town.

With these types of relationships, assuming there is an adequate enough trust basis to start out with, you need to practice trust. In other words, you need to take efforts, even, possibly more than an in-town relationship, to develop that trust, to nurture that trust, and to "self-talk" that trust. If there is reason for you not to trust, you can address that issue.

Be careful that you do not easily throw away trust without provocation or cause to dispel of that trust. At the same time, you want to be

What Are The Consequences Of Being Unemployed?

Deborah — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:00:42 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "What are some of the consequences of being unemployed?"

Oh, there are many consequences of unemployment, the most obvious being a potential lack of financial stability, or the feeling that that may become the case.

There would seem to be two reasons to ask this question, possibly more. One would be an academic discussion of the cause and effect analysis of this type of situation, say for a thesis or research paper. Another possible reason would be one's own concern for themselves or for someone they care about who may be going through this situation or possibly facing this situation.

Rather than focusing on the negative consequences which come to mind by the mere mention of a word such as "unemployed," that, in and of itself, has a potential negative connotation, let's look at positive outcomes and focus on the opportunities.

Should I Worry If He Is Texting And Calling Less?

Deborah — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 16:00:58 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months now. The first month was beautiful, but then the phone calls and texts reduced and even seeing him reduced. He attributes this to a hectic work schedule but he gets me pretty little gifts from time to time. From asking people he stays with, there's no one else. He also tends to think I nag him and has given me a nickname to that effect. i love him and I think he loves me, too. He is just complicated. He doesn't like being asked questions."

I can understand your concern that you are not receiving the same attention that you used to receive from your boyfriend. While he gives you gifts (that is excellent!), you are unsure if he has the same level of love for you that he had before, based on his quantity of phone calls and text messages.

What you are experiencing is normal, the concern about whether your boyfriend loves you and how much he loves you and if that is the same as it was yesterday, and the day before and whether that love will stay the same, grow, or, your bigger fear, diminish.

Your boyfriend's response is also normal. He appears to be concerned about the questions and, from what you have indicated here, it may be that those questions relate to your relationship and how much he loves you. These questions can become overwhelming to

I Am Struggling With The Continual Lack Of Money

Deborah — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 16:00:51 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "Hi. I am very depressed as I am not having sufficient funds to run my family. I am even having suicidal thoughts that if I die all the problems will be solved. Please help."

I can certainly understand your pain in this situation and I even understand your thoughts of suicide. I'm sure you have heard this before:v Suicide is not the answer to this problem, or any problem. It is an escape. You mention that you have a family. Realize that suicide may seem like an answer to you, but it will create pain in the hearts of your family. No matter how much difficulty you and your family are having and struggling with now, you will only serve to magnify that, for the family, in a taking of your own life.

It is normal to feel pain, and to feel like the only escape from that pain is the suicide, but the amount of pain that is left is extreme, not just in the immediate near future, but for decades, even in the hearts of those people whom you feel do not know you well.

I also understand the feeling of hopelessness in wondering where the next needed amount of money will come from, looking at the

He Is Cheating and Denies It. What Do I Do?

Deborah — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 16:00:21 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "I have been in a marriage for two years without conceiving. We have checked out in many hospitals and they told us we have no problem. The reason why am writing to you is that my husband is now seeing another woman behind my back we have had several arguments about this but he keeps denying it, I know the lady and this is not the first time. I thought maybe he will change but he has refused. I am puzzled. I don't know what to do. When I add on being childless and my husband cheating on me, sometimes I feel like losing my mind. Help me, Deborah."

I can feel your pain dealing with these many issues, criss-crossing, and interweaving with each different issue and causing that much more confusion.

Let's separate them into two separate issues, shall we? There is the conception challenge and the potential cheating concern.

First of all, it sounds like you are concerned about the cheating (understandably!). This concern needs to be resolved before worrying about conception. Bringing a child into a situation, even if the situation is undefined, does not resolve the issue, but rather serves to complicate it further (at best) and also exposes another young, vulnerable life to the unresolved, complicated issue. Keep in mind that conceiving a baby is not a solution for something that is wrong in another area of the relationship.

How Can I Be A Good Girlfriend?

Deborah — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 16:00:17 +0000

Deborah E answers the question, "How can I be a good girlfriend and make my boyfriend happy?"

That is a challenge, that we all could face on a daily basis.

There are a couple questions that come to mind. First of all, in what way are you attempting to please your boyfriend? Are you referring to pleasing him in general, such as thinking of his needs and wants before your own, cooking his favorite meal, watching the football game with him when you would rather watch your favorite TV show, spending the evening with him instead of going out with your girlfriends? Or, are you feeling as if he doesn't love you and pleasing him would help solidify your relationship?

That is a challenge, that we all could face on a daily basis.

Ask Deborah E >> Advice Column

I Don’t Like That He Is Cheating

Related Stories

My Father Keeps Gambling Our Money Away

Related Stories

Always Want To Cry When You Hear The Voice

Related Stories

I Am Afraid, But Want To Show My Talent

Related Stories

What If You Like a Boy and He Likes You?

Related Stories

I Am Married And Still Dating My Ex

Related Stories

Her Parents Told Her To Break It Off

Related Stories

I Am Newly Married and Want A Separation Already

Related Stories

A Married Man Paid For My Education and I’m In Love

Related Stories

My Husband Doesn’t Seem To Love Our Unborn Baby

Related Stories

Out Of Nowhere, He Breaks Up With Me!

Should I Give Him Permission To…?

I Can’t Lose The Married Man I Love

My Ex Proposed To Me, But…

Is He Cheating On Me While Traveling?

What Are The Consequences Of Being Unemployed?

Should I Worry If He Is Texting And Calling Less?

I Am Struggling With The Continual Lack Of Money

He Is Cheating and Denies It. What Do I Do?

How Can I Be A Good Girlfriend?