as the fancy takes me...

Finding Your Tribe

noreply@blogger.com (Melissa Marinelli) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 13:20:00 +0000

One of the things that I love about this life is the chance to meet people from all over the world, in all sorts of places and through all sorts of ways. Many other expats / global citizens have written about this. See for example Kristy Rice’s take on friends who were there and Linda Janssen’s oh so true post about friends who almost were.

Today, a quick coffee meet up with a friend got me thinking about building community where you live - I like to think of it as finding your tribe. I think it’s something that mobile people put a lot of energy into… certainly I did when I moved to my current location. It was one aspect of global life that I was very much looking forward to.

But what happens when your tribe members are few and far between… What do you do when you feel like you don’t quite fit? If you are slightly against the grain? If your version of awesomeness if a little different to others or changes over time? Or if there is less energy available to as you take on new projects or direct your focus to other aspects of life? This is something that is definitely present in my global world at the moment.

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Here is some wisdom that I’ve been drawing on lately - may it help you as you build your tribe, wherever you are!

Global life is transient and ever changing - This is true in so many respects and really, isn’t it this that pulls many of us away from our homes, from the familiar. In expat and travelling life, by definition people come and go. Friends leave for their next destination, they go ‘home’ for the summer, they are away travelling for business or pleasure. On the flip side, new people are constantly entering our sphere and there are far more opportunities to meet new them.

I am not, personally, one for large networking type gatherings… it’s just too exhausting! By far my favourite way to meet new people is through osmosis (lazy, much!?) - through existing friends, sport, book clubs etc. Good news is that constant flux means that there are plenty of chances to find new tribe members!! To up your chances, you just have to get out there. Looking for some inspiration? - check out Rachel Bertsche’s book MWF seeking BFF. Hilarious and brave!

Global life is transitional and change making - I have really noticed this over the past year. By it’s very nature, moving to a new location and having new experiences changes you, at a speed far greater than if you had stayed put! Who you were 12 months ago is not who you are today. Needs, priorities and availabilities morph.

Currently, I have lots of projects on the boil that require solo time - this means that I have to be disciplined about carving our productive time in my day… which I’ve found pushes me to the fringe of some of my established friendship groups. This is necessary - if I want to achieve what I am trying to - but still is awkward and a bit painful. Less available = less included, an no-one likes missing out on fun! My approach here has been to diversify and broaden my tribe, and link up with people from all sorts of backgrounds and doing all sorts of things. Workers, non-workers, mums, travellers. While I might not be in the centre of my initially established group, it ensures that I am still connected, and connected with people who also have varied availability and energy.

The world is small - Your tribe might be scattered over the world. The cherry on top is when you can meet up again. This takes effort but is totally worth it. Earlier this year, I had the chance to catch up with the lovely Christine, a lady from just out of London that I met in Antwerp at a research conference. When we met at the conference last year, we hit it off straight away. It may have been that we were two of very few qualitative researchers at the meeting, but I like to think that it was a meeting of minds and of natures. One evening after the daily programme of the conference, she suggested that we get a coffee. We ended up sharing a beer in one of Antwerp’s old squares and surrounded by history and the local colour of Antwerp, I knew that we would be firm friends. This time, we met for lunch in a little restaurant off Sloane Square. We sat and talked, shared our PhD joys and woes, and hatched plans to see each other again. It is friendships with people like Christine that add colour to this global life, and ensure that no matter which city you are in, you are not alone.

Find your virtual tribe - I love, love, love social media for connecting with amazing, interesting people acting out their awesome. If you are struggling to meet with people in your town/city/compound or if language is a big barrier, head to the web. Build your tribe on-line and then refer to "the world is small" above! See Chris Guillebeau’s book the Art of Nonconformity for some great tips on this. Recently, I have had the pleasure of “virtually” meeting some women doing fabulous things - Tasha of Tasha’s Travel Troves - an MD gone global and loving it! - and Athane Luceav, image maven and writer (who coincidently lives in my home town).

Online forums are also good. Sites such as Internations are a great resource (if you can look past the *twinkles* from guys looking for a good time!) Seek out facebook groups in your local area too.

You are who you are, and that is just fine - or in the words of Dr Seuss :

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When trying to establish a community of people in a new location, there is a natural inclination to want to fit in. It is a part of the transition and change that come with moving to a new location. Perhaps I really am a domestic goddess? (Answer: umm, no, I’d rather read a book) An outdoor adventurer? (Answer: yes and no, probably more the glamping kind. Hiking and outdoor sports and nature - love; hot shower - required) Bibliophile, morning grump, coffee addict, aspiring tennis player? (Answer: yes to all). Some of these possible selves* linger and become part of the evolved you, others fall by the wayside.

A recent conversation with a couple newly arrived to my current town reminded me of the audition process that we go through when we move to a new place. People try to place us - married / single, kids / no kids, working / not working, party girl/house mouse… the categories are numerous…

Ulitmately - just be who you are and do what you do, and don’t apologise for it. The lovely Priscilla from Healing Divine (an amazing lady who is truly living her awesome!) said to me recently:

“True friends love us for being who we really are. I think life is to short to spend it in anyway that is not true for us”.

For me this is key to tribe building - authenticity. It is unlikely that you will have a connection with everyone that you meet - and that is just fine - but being true and clear about who you are and what is important to you right now means that while your tribe may be small, it will be strong :)

I'd love to hear your experiences of finding your tribe while on the road, or after moving to a new location. Drop me a comment, or come and play on facebook or twitter

*(See Hermania Ibarra’s book Working Identity for more on Possible Selves - I love this concept).

A trip to the supermarket is enough excitement for one day (Or Is It Too Early For Wine??)

noreply@blogger.com (Melissa Marinelli) — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:30:00 +0000

We are coming up to our one year mark in Almaty. Unbelievable. What a difference a year makes! As the curtain goes down on our first year in this wonderful, crazy, sometimes trying place I thought I'd reminisce with something that I wrote three weeks after I arrived.

Things have definitely gotten a little easier. I still don't know the Russian word for Glad Wrap, but I have learned to cook duck :) ...

A trip to the supermarket is enough excitement for one day (Or Is It Too Early For Wine??) - April 2012

For this update, I had planned to post some pictures of our recent weekend explorations of Kok Tube and Arbat… a couple of the sights of Almaty. But, having just returned from my (mostly) daily trip to the supermarket, I thought I’d talk shopping instead.

And not the fun kind.

Usually, I love shopping for food. I particularly love it in foreign countries… even interstate Australia. IGA Unley – yes! 24hr Woolies in CBD Melbourne – I am there. One of my favourite memories of New York, is shopping for groceries at 1am. The little supermarket on Broadway near our apartment was busy! Full of NY eccentrics. Not only did I get great groceries, but I could people watch too. The amazing markets on Las Ramblas Barcelona, Italian CO-OP with it’s 24 varieties of prosciutto, Waitrose on High St Kensington… I could go on.

In this city though, it is another story. I find shopping for provisions highly stressful. Highly. Anxiety, shortness of breath. In fact, following my trip to Shevchenko Street this evening, I may have experienced my first bone fide episode of culture shock. Ugh! Not good!

I’m sure the Crispy Duck Breast with a Caramelized Pear & Wild Rocket salad with Honeyed Balsalmic Glaze is to blame…

On Saturday, Mr. and I went to the Zelhony Bazaar – this is a fabulous fresh market, open 6 days a week, in the heart of Almaty. Our driver comes with us because neither of us can speak Russian yet (aside from useful statements such as “Stas is a businessman” and “Max is also a businessman”) and charades only gets you so far. This week, we met Mr’s boss and his wife for some produce buying followed by a coffee and some street art browsing. Very nice. Mrs Boss was clued in to a reputable poultry seller in the market who sold frozen duck breast. She was buying and I felt inspired. I’ve never cooked duck but thought i’d give it a try.

I should back-track and rave a little about the Zelhony market. Amazing produce from the neighbouring “Stans” and China. Fruit, vegetables, nuts, dried suit, flowers and plants. The highlight (from a sightseeing point of view) has to be the meat. Aisles of all and every cut that you can imagine. Pig’s trotters, beef tongue, chicken feet, horse heads. You want it, you can buy it. Shopping here is a highlight.

Anyway, back to the duck. This morning, I decided that I would cook said duck for dinner and I trawled the internet for recipes. I found a beautiful recipe on Cook This complete with YouTube video. Bingo! This would be delish… and I would win points with Mr. for being the ultimate expat wife. Yes! A visit to the supermarket late afternoon to fetch some remaining ingredients – rocket, Szechuan pepper, some pears – was all that remained.

Let me paint a picture of my visit to the supermarket for you. I walk with list in hand to one of several supermarkets within about a 2 km radius of our apartment. This is the most enjoyable part of the visit. The weather at the moment here is lovely. Blue skies, mid twenties. Birds are tweeting and blossoms are blooming. As I walk, I am at one with the world, I smile at fellow pedestrians and might even attempt a Russian “good afternoon”. I am met with stoney glare at best, a scowl more usually.

Spirits somewhat dampened, I enter the supermarket. I have learnt to use only a hand basket, as the supermarket aisles are not suited to trolleys. Picture two Hummers driven with appropriate attitude in a hedged country lane. Not good. I spend about a 1/2 hour trying to locate the first item on my list, circumnavigating the store. Today it was Glad Wrap. I locate the shelf. Near the tampons and behind the restocking trolleys towering with toilet paper. Of course, that’s logical. I stand in front of it for another 15 mins evaluating my options and trying to decipher the Russian hieroglyphs. How do you say “Glad Wrap” in Russian? No idea. My plan was to get the yellow box but they don’t have the one I bought last time at the other supermarket. Plan foiled. I take one each of three possible options, hoping that one will be cling wrap and move on.

Repeat for each item. The length of time in front of shelf correlates to number of options (surprisingly high for canned peas) and order of item on list. Halfway through my list and I have circled the store 10 times and am completely over it. The shop security guard starts to eye me suspiciously…

Batteries? Canned fruit? Several items cannot be located at all.

Spirits low. Starting to glare like the locals.

At the end of my list are the three ingredients for tonight’s dinner. Rocket. Pears. Szechuan pepper. I find the fruit and veg section, but have clearly been mislead by the name of the supermarket “Green”. There is nothing of the sort. Cabbage, carrots and potatoes in abundance. Let out whimper. More stares from shop attendants. I contemplate walking the couple of kilometres to another supermarket which I know is better stocked in this area. But it is shopping peak hour and I’m not sure I’m up for the combat.

I go over to the meat section to look for an alternative to the duck. The supermarket slogan is definitely not “The Fresh Food People”. Pass and head to find the canned tuna.

Time to get out of here. Anxiety builds as I head to the check-out. The least enjoyable part of the visit. Will the credit card work this time? Do I have enough cash? The cashier starts checking though my items at a rapid pace. It’s my job to pack. I can’t keep up. She announces the total to me in Russian. No idea again. I really must learn my numbers. The queue are all glaring at me. I manage to pay and fumble the rest of the items into bags. Out the doors and into the fresh air. It’s home time and the roads are busy with impatient honking cars.

I walk back to the apartment dodging equally impatient pedestrians and close the gate. I made it. The anxiety subsides.

According Robin Pascoe, “culture” is the new way of life that you are being exposed to; “shock” is your physical and emotional response to that new way of life. I am a fairly tough, well travelled bird but the stress of transition into a new culture cannot be underestimated as I found out today! I know in time I will come to find the joy in food shopping in this city. I will discover the secret places to buy great produce and I WILL be able to read the labels! I may even get a smile out of someone.

In the mean time – tonight, it’s Pasta with Tuna again I’ll leave the duck for another day.

*"A trip to the supermarket is enough excitement for one day" was first posted at 175Tulebaev in April 2012. I'm in the process of merging my two blogs into this one!*

Just One Square of the Patchwork

noreply@blogger.com (Melissa Marinelli) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 17:24:00 +0000

Today is International Women’s Day - March 8th. Facebook, Instagram and the Twitter-verse are alive with updates from IWD events from around the world, recognition of women doing amazing things with their lives, the highlighting of gender related issues and government announcements for funding, support and changes to legislation.

For International Women’s Day this year, I’m in Kazakhstan, my current home base. It was such a different experience for me that I felt I should share.

IWD is a big occasion here. For starters, its a public holiday which means that office based workers get the day off. For the larger community, it means that people get to spend time with family and friends, joining to celebrate and respect the women in their worlds. What is not to love! For me, I work my own schedule, so today is like any other day in that respect but it means that Mr. has the day off. First there was breakfast in bed, he took care of the chores and is cooking dinner. I guess this is what Mother’s Day / Mothering Sunday feels like?!

The mood in town today was quite jolly. The shop assistants and waitresses were smiley and chatty (see this post for my usual experience!) - wishing we congratulations and laughing along with me as I spoke my terrible Russian. People were buzzing in and out of the numerous flower shops along Kabanby Batyr Street. Apparently 3 million flowers were imported into Almaty for the occasion! Couples, grandmothers, mothers and their children walked arm in arm, the women clutching bunches of tulips and roses. Groups of friends gathered in coffee shops sharing tea, shisha and a chat. At Stolichny - a supermarket with it’s own bakery and cake shop - a stream of red cake boxes departed on the arms of people heading to see family or meet up with friends.

Impromptu flower stall open for business - March 2013

The celebrations are not just limited to the day itself. The day is the first of the spring festivities in Kazakhstan, prelude to the upcoming Nayruz holiday. Yesterday, Mr’s. office was decorated with clusters of brightly coloured balloons, steaming from the ceiling, sculpted into 2 metre high posies of flowers. At lunchtime, there was a big to-do in the boardroom. All of the ladies in the office, dressed to the nines, were presented with roses from the male staff. There was cake and entertainment.

Aside from the immediate niceness of being a little pampered and looked after, I love the broader meaning of the way IWD is celebrated here. It’s an inclusive day, where all girls and women - from girl-child to Babushka, achievements small and grand - are appreciated. You don’t need to have climbed Everest or run a company to be recognised. I feel that this is a very different perspective than previous International Women’s Days that I have been involved in. And for a country in which there is a true disparity between rich and poor, and many social problems, I really enjoyed the positivity of this day. It was refreshing to experience a true feeling of celebration, of all women.

One of the greatest gifts of living a global life is witnessing and coming to understand different ways of doing things and alternative perspectives. The more I travel, the more I realise that my ways and views are just one square of the patchwork. The last few days have been a great reminder of this.

What did you get up to for International Women’s Day? How is it marked in your neck of the woods?

Reboot!

noreply@blogger.com (Melissa Marinelli) — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 10:13:00 +0000

Since my last post - life has changed in a big way! Back in July 2011, I gave up a full-time job. My husband and I were both working in busy jobs. I was also trying to write a PhD. The bank balance looked good, but our quality of life didn't. I was getting nowhere with my thesis. So, I decided to refocus, to take some casual, contract work and give some attention to the broader aspects of life. A good decision for both of us.

We must have been in the mood for change because six months later, Mr. accepted an international transfer to Kazakhstan. 12 months ago, we packed up the house, rehomed the pets, sold the cars and moved to a country that, to be honest, I needed Google maps to find. (If you are wondering - Kazkahstan is a fairly large country sandwiched between the Capsian Sea, Russia, China and various other -stans!)

The first year in an ex-Soviet country has been interesting and challenging and life-expanding. There is plenty to write about - and I will do this over time. You can find snippets of our life in Kazakhstan at 175Tulebaev. Please drop by!

What I had not anticipated, was the complete morph to our lifestyle, particularly mine. In July 2011, I had been yearning for freedom, flexibility, a more connected life. I wanted time to focus on things that interested me, that I could be absorbed by, life with brighter colours. Now, I absolutely have that, and more. We swapped a large house on the outskirts of town, for an inner-city apartment in an emerging economy. We exchanged English for Russian (a work in progress!). We moved from a life that felt static, groundhog day and disconnected to one that is brimming with opportunity, new faces, constantly on the move, travelling the world.

I continue to work on my PhD (completion scheduled for the end of this year!). I work on a casual, contract basis as a researcher, working on some really great projects. The wonders of technology mean that I can do this anywhere in the world. And I do! Mr's job has him travelling often, and we travel together as often as possible. As I write, I am sitting in a cafe on King's Road in Chelsea, England. Three weeks ago, we were in Australia. Over the next few months, we plan to be in Central Asia, Thailand and Bali. Freedom feels like a blast of fresh, coastal air.

So, it's time to press the reboot button on as the fancy takes me. Join me as I share my experiences of a slightly unconventional, incredible, global life.