As Told by Des

We have been trying

2017-11-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

Last night, while driving home through a bit of small city traffic, he casually told me that a couple friend of ours are pregnant. The initial knee-jerk reaction for me as always was the usual, "Awww, that's nice." I have heard this kind of news far too many times. This time though, for some other reason—maybe it was the hustle and the bustle, or the color of the night sky—it felt slightly different. It felt like I was wearing heavy, heavy boots. I allowed myself to feel that pinch of jealousy just enough that it made me want to cry the whole car ride home.

But I didn't. I have somehow gotten so used to this feeling that my whole body had already figured out how to ride this sudden wave of emotions, as soon as it comes flooding in. I give myself credit when I say that I really do know how to deal with it. Unfortunately sometimes, it just sits there, ready to be visited again. I'm writing about this today because it's still there. The pinch of jealousy that I have felt yesterday, has reduced me into this. This... fragile ball—this walking, breathing, example of inadequateness.

Next January, we are going to be married for 5 years, in a relationship for 8, and been trying to conceive for 3.

Hello, It's me, again

2017-11-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

My last entry for this blog was posted a couple of years ago—2 years and 9 months to be exact. That means I have been putting aside the "need" to write more. I have always kept a journal for as long as I can remember but because I own an iPhone, and I do have a relatively short attention span, I can be easily distracted away from my notebooks.

For the almost three years that I have been MIA, I have done a few things in between. The major one was that I did go back to work—meaning yes, I have certainly travelled more than I stayed home. I am not exactly sure if that's a good thing (it's not) but let's just say, it wasn't bad either.

In 2016, I went back to work in Saudi Arabia for a little over 6 months. The same thing happened this year, in 2017. And in those months, I was fortunate enough to see different countries with the family I worked for. (I'm a PDN for a Royal Family, if you care to know, LOL.) At the risk of sounding burgis, yes, those travels were free—we flew on privately chartered airplanes, driven around in big cars, stayed in 5-star hotels with stacked mini bars, and went to eat at really fancy restaurants where they serve you little portions of food at a time—the whole shebang. It has all become a blur though, because it was work, and the whole time I was there (yes, even when we were in New York), I was dreading to go home. It wasn't all rainbows, but that's another story.

At some point, I will properly put entries for each travel and tag them like any responsible person who runs a blog does, but for now, here's a lazy summary (A.K.A. Photos Grabbed From my Instagram) of where I've been for the almost 3 years I wasn't posting anything on here.

Spain

Gaudi's House in Barcelona, Spain

El Nacional in Barcelona, Spain

St. Regis Hotel in Mallorca, Spain

Mallorca, Spain

Old Town Marbella, Spain

Italy

Capri, Italy

Napoli, Italy

Capri, Italy

Anacapri, Italy

Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

Jeddah, Saudi Arabia

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Jeddah, Saudi Arabia

Al Rayis, Madina, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

United Kingdom

Hungerford, United Kingdom

London, United Kingdom

Hungerford, United Kingdom

Singapore

Haji Lane, Singapore

Bugis Street, Singapore

Clark Quay, Singapore

Chinatown, Singapore

USA

Times Square, New York

Hell's Kitchen, New York

Empire State Building Observatory, New York

Flat Iron District, New York

Bethesda Fountain, Central Park, New York

Statue of Liberty, New York

Central Park, New York

There are far more pictures, and even more stories to be told from this on.

And since we're already here, to be completely honest with you, for the almost three years that I have been MIA, there is one thing I haven't done: to get pregnant. There is also more to that soon.

Afternoon walk

2015-02-11T20:04:00.001-08:00

We have been sitting on our bottoms for more than a couple of months now, not exactly proud of it but it is what it is. There are bad days (which in actuality are kind of good, lol) when we would just drown under the folds of our uneventful day with TV series marathons and 2-hour naps but there are also good (active!) days when we would do chores, run errands, and go on walks around our little city.

I admit, I've never been one who submits herself to torture—I mean exercise—so Phillip had to do some major convincing. He lovingly turned our afternoon walks into photowalks during sunset.

I have always been a bokeh girl since Flickr days (6-ish years ago?!) so it's nice I get to use his 1.4 nifty-fifty this time—I just had to trade my Canon for his Pentax. What a horror, haha, kidding—half kidding.

I felt I had wonky upper limbs, yes, but I missed having a dlsr in my hand. There's comfort in knowing this kind of feeling can exist again.

Begin again

2015-02-02T20:45:00.000-08:00

Not meaning to sound like a Taylor Swift record but this really is me starting all over again. I have never stopped taking pictures but I have deferred talking to myself again through blog posts. I also haven't written something in a long time. That's only partially true I guess, if one considers Facebook Status posts to be some kind of legit writing material. What I mean to really say, on top of it all, is that I want to start creating something again—something more than just a bunch of squares, anything more than 140 characters.

The past 2 years have been a whirl. In the in betweens, I have taken pictures with my film cameras, with my instant camera, with my smartphone and I have been sort of ok with them—only realizing now that I don't think I have paused long enough to actually personally appreciate them. After all, they were all personal, and as Chuck Palahniuk would say, everything is a self-portrait. Yes, I clicked the shutter. Yes, I maybe liked how some of them turned out. But it is only now—now that I have the luxury of time—that I realize that they really do have a story, they were moments, and I should be able to tell.

I took these pictures on New Year's Day: raindrops on our little porch, my mother's blooms after the rain—debating with myself if I wanted to start a Project 365. It might have taken a month to look at them again but they're here, and I guess it's a start.

WTA | Beginning

2012-08-12T15:55:00.002-07:00

We're (kind of) back! Write up to follow!

Still

2012-07-13T09:32:00.001-07:00

I woke up at around half-past noon today. And while I am in my constant non-cheery state lately, I feel extra lonely. It's the middle of July already but I'm still 5 months away from going home.

I don't really know what this post is all about. Maybe it's just to say that it really is harder than I thought it would be.

Film roll vii | Cortina d'Ampezzo Due

2012-04-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

We stayed at the beautiful Cristallo Hotel Spa & Golf when we were in Cortina. It sits atop a hill, overlooking the town itself. People travel to this place to ski but I wouldn't mind lounging in bed all day with hot cocoa I'd also like to point out that half the time that I was walking around, I swear this song was on loop in my head.

Film roll vi | Lazy days in the countryside

2012-04-15T12:06:00.005-07:00

I don't know how to write about these. Maybe I do know but my mind is elsewhere at the moment. Mostly about home, salty air and sunsets, and waking up sans the sound of any alarm clock, all preferably next to him.

Denford, Northhamptonshire, United Kingdom

January 2012

WTA#12 | Music

2012-04-15T11:13:00.001-07:00

Work has been busy these days. By the time I get off it, there is barely enough sunlight to shoot or none at all. I also have maybe 4 rolls worth of film I haven't posted yet and a couple more I have to develop. I have to quit this lazy spell. I have been actively posting on Instagram though. I don't know what that says about me. Heh.

I'll try catching up with my WTA, I promise.

Venice, Italy
June 2011

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

WTA#11 | Wind

2012-03-12T14:54:00.004-07:00

Or lackthereof~

If my 16 year-old ~*emo*~ self was the one blogging at the moment, I bet that leaf has a lot of stories to tell. Well, mostly about holding on and letting go, and being alone and lonely. But since it's me, the 26-year old homesick one, I will tell you that this was taken in January, on a beautiful winter afternoon while walking around Chester Square. And that although that leaf appears to be strong and holding up rather good all by itself, I bet it wants to party with its friends on the ground.

London, United Kingdom
January 2012

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

WTA#10 | Work

2012-03-08T07:34:00.006-08:00

I am always asked what's my line of work or what job do I have. And while I would want to talk to you about it in details, I can't. To tell you about it lightly, I work for a high profile family from the Middle East who travels a lot. For most months of the year, I live in Riyadh. For the other times, I usually find myself in another country, sitting at the back of a car, lacking in sleep, in an unfamiliar place, with the most fantastic view.

Cortina, Italy
January 2012

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

WTA#9 | Sunset

2012-03-08T07:22:00.002-08:00

I don't think I have a specific genre when taking pictures but I'm sure landscape isn't one of my stronger points. Sunsets especially.

Also, I have a ton of photos taken from airplanes, but that would be another post of its own. Late (and old lol) picture is late!

Venice, Italy
June 2011

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

Quand tu arrives a Paris, tu ne veux pas partir

2012-03-01T16:04:00.010-08:00

I have been to Paris for the first time in October 2010. We stayed for five days and it was apparent at that time, and when I look back at it now, that it wasn't enough. Five days, five short days and after almost two years, I still haven't forgotten how it looked, and most especially how it felt like. I've seen it in autumn, I'm sure spring will be another kind of beautiful.

Please listen to this song when you look at these pictures.

Paris, France

Ocotober 2010

Film roll v | Cortina d'Ampezzo

2012-02-20T07:33:00.000-08:00

En route.

We don't have bacon here in Saudi Arabia so whenever we're out of the country I make sure I have them almost every breakfast. Heh.

We stayed at a hotel called Cristallo up in the mountains so we have this view when we look out our window. It was always beautiful whether it would be snowing,

or not.

Cortina is the second ski town I've been to, first being Aspen. Both of them has this certain charm - the quaint and charming kind that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then you shop and everything's expensive and then all of that goes away.

Then you take a walk and you fall in love with it over again.

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. Well, except my pocket. I have a few film rolls to go through in the next few days, meanwhile, here's a picture of David Beckham in his bottoms. Come back again, soon!

Cortina, Italy
January 2012
Canon A1 + Kodak Gold 200

WTA#8 | Artist in Action

2012-02-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

I think the artist was working on a drawing of this.

Venice, Italy
June 2011

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

Film roll iv | Belgravia + Oxford Street

2012-02-18T00:46:00.007-08:00

London, England
January 2012
Canon A1 + Fujicolor C200

WTA#7 | Flora

2012-02-12T13:47:00.000-08:00

Plus points for anyone who can name this flower.

London, England
February 2012
Canon A1 + Fujicolor C200 + 50mm f/1.8

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

WTA#6 | Horizon

2012-02-07T12:23:00.000-08:00

a.k.a. Badly Exposed Photos Of The Sunset

This was en route to London last January. It was the first trip where I brought (save for my iPhone 4s) only my Canon A1 to take pictures. I just had my rolls developed today and while I only have a handful of decent shots compared to the hundreds I would have taken with my DSLR, I'm still happy with the results. Film and its unfathomable charm has definitely found its way to me, and I don't think it will go away (I don't want it to go away) any time soon.

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

WTA#5 | Coffee

2012-01-30T02:24:00.000-08:00

I have a couple of pictures related to this theme but my rolls aren't developed yet. This is another old photo from Spain two summers ago.

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

WTA#4 | Silhouette

2012-01-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

I am posting another stock photo. I am still in London but we'll be flying later today to Cortina, Italy. So far, I'm on my second roll of film and have not even once, regretted leaving my DSLR. Fuck yeah.

This was taken still in Spain, on a ride home from Malaga to Marbella. This was around 8 or 9 in the evening already--the summer days seem to be longer in that part of the world as the winter nights are here in London. I like the latter more than the former.

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

WTA#3 | Street Signs

2012-01-19T15:16:00.000-08:00

Hullow! I'm in London and I didn't bring my DSLR so these are from the archives. I think these were taken in July 2010, my first ever trip to (Marbella) Spain.

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

First London summer

2012-01-13T15:14:00.000-08:00

I experienced London for the first time in Summer 2010. I have been there for quite a number of times already but it just doesn't get old. I find something to love about it every time. I'm going back there tomorrow so here's a photodump. Stills taken almost 2 years ago when I first went with my relatively new Canon 450d, my 50mm, and my kit lens. This trip, I'm thinking of leaving my DSLR and bringing my film camera instead. Wish me luck. Heh.

Film roll iii

2012-01-10T16:27:00.001-08:00

Riyadh, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
January 2012
Canon A1 + FujiColor C200

WTA#2 | Golden Hour

2012-01-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

I had my day off last Saturday. I spent half of it sleeping and half of it running errands. I don't really trust public transport around here and women aren't allowed to drive (which isn't really applicable to me cause I don't know how to lol) that's why whenever I go out, I usually have a driver to take me wherever I need to go. He's that guy. We don't understand each other half the time but I reckon he's nice.

Outtake:

Click for Aldous, Carlo, Deng, Ian, Ika, Ire, Kristal, Nova, Tina, and Phillip’s WTA.

I have fallen in love with photography, again

2012-01-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

‎"The whole thrust in my life right now is spinning my assignments around and making them work in a more personal way (...) I wanted to go back and do the original thing: one camera, one lens, one film. You really have to put yourself in a position of danger to be creative."
-David Alan Harvey

In my case, one camera, 2 lenses, and one film. I am getting familiar with emotions that I haven't encountered with photography in a while. I even think I have fallen in love with it, albeit in a different light, all over again.