Actually, I have been taking care of a newborn (human) baby (mine) and have truthfully barely had time to watch the games, much less comment on them. So in the interest of summary, I give you the TEN BY TEN: 10 point of discussion in 10 words each.

USA v ITALY - oh, come on guys. you can do better than that.
USA v BRAZIL - oh, come ON guys. can you do better than that?
USA v EGYPT - luckiest circumstance in the history of US soccer. nice game.
USA v SPAIN - greatest day of my life. GREATEST DAY of my LIFE.
USA v BRAZIL: THE SEQUEL - expected result unfolded painfully. Donovan’s goal: USA at its best
BOB BRADLEY - please stop giving the wrong players chances game after game.
GOLD CUP - would have preferred a real team. we tied Haiti? WTF.
DONOVAN v BECKHAM - Beckham do your job. Donovan please find a better club.
ONYEWU TO AC MILAN - another euro pinerider? hopefully he becomes a powerhouse in Italy.
AGUIRRE BANNED FOR KICKING A PLAYER - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

-Clint Dempsey’s moves
-Sacha Kljestan, DaMarcus Beasley, Brian Ching on the field
-Adu, Torres on the bench
-flubbing shots from the six
-hitting the crossbar
-playing long ball to Jozy Altidore more than once per game
-marking respectable opponents from 20 feet away
-beating CONCACAF teams
-Bob Bradley’s coaching decisions in general
-Landon donovan’s penalty kicks
-red cards
-sucking
-losing

AAAAAAANYWAY, Chicago won on a penalty in the 95th, and I continue to feel disgust for Blanco. He is increasingly lazy, sloppy, floppy and slow. He’ll fit right in with the rest of his Mexican squad next week. ZAP :O

MATCH HIGHLIGHT: Sacha Kljestan audibly telling Fire coach Denis Hamlett to “Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Fuck you, bitch!” Classy!

• Since the top of the Prem was decided last week, this week was a fight to stay up.

• Hull City, which got off to a fantastic start to the season, lost to Manchester United 0-1 but manages to stay in the top flight by one point.

• Middlesbrough lost to West Ham 1-2 which was the final nail in the coffin as they will play in the Championship next season.

• Newcastle had a rather sad game as an own goal by Duff and the resulting loss 0-1 to Aston Villa saw them relegated.

• Fulham lost to Everton 0-2 but managed to stay above Tottenham for the critical seventh place on the Prem table to play European ball next season.

• West Brom was relegated last week and tied Blackburn 0-0 in the final game of the season.

• Chelsea’s Anelka scored the most goals this season with 19, followed by Ronaldo with 18 and Gerrard at 16.

• Manchester United secured the Premier League title with a 0-0 draw with Arsenal.
  

• Fulham held on to the critical seventh position with a 1-0 win against Newcastle. Tottenham is only two points behind Fulham going into the last week.

• West Brom lost 0-2 against Liverpool to be the first confirmed relegated team.

• Going into the last round, Middlesbrough, Newcastle and Hull are all fighting for their Premiership lives.

Rec league soccer rightfully attracts players with all levels of experience. It’s a perfect format for new players to get in and learn the game from seasoned vets. But sometimes, especially in the United States, players sign up without a hint of knowledge or respect for the sport. For many, it’s ingrained in youth: soccer is an easy sport for sissies. By fate, some of those kids grow up and find themselves on a rec league soccer field, usually to win points with the boss or a hot chick. And, gee whiz, a little exercise would be good!

The secret is, soccer (at all levels) is much more than a little exercise. There may not be the brutal contact found in American football or the raw muscle power of baseball, but soccer easily requires many multiple times the running of any other major team sport. It’s pretty much all running. This requires endurance and condition for which many aren’t prepared. I’ll share two personal stories of players who faced the consequences of underestimating the requirements a rec league soccer match, in the hope that you can take this knowledge and one day save a life. Seriously.

The Tale of Holy Shit He’s Not Breathing

While warming up for an outdoor game last summer, I noticed the current match had stopped and a group of people were standing over a guy flat on his back. This is not an unusual sight, as people twist ankles, smash knees, and cause general bodily mayhem pretty regularly. Plus, it was almost 90 degrees and heat exhaustion is common. But this was different… he looked young, in shape, and he was not moving.

The air of the situation got tense very quickly. I was 20 yards away but heard snippets of conversations in frantic tones. “Is he breathing?” “I don’t know.” “Go get help.” Within seconds his teammates sprinted off to summon help while others stayed behind and performed CPR. If you have never seen CPR in real life, it’s terrifying to watch. “I don’t think he has a pulse.” I felt like throwing up.

The ambulance showed up a few minutes later and I overheard from teammates that this guy had been playing vigorously and suddenly dropped limp, only sporadically regaining consciousness. His breathing and pulse were off-and-on. After a few moments on-site, they whisked him off to the hospital.

The next week I asked the facility organizers if they knew what happened to the guy. They told me that his heart was significantly damaged because it stopped (!) for a period of time and he would undergo surgery soon. Why? Instead of water, he had been drinking Red Bull. In layman’s terms, it was explained to me that the resulting electrolyte imbalance was so severe that his body shut off like a switch. Apparently he didn’t realize that the exertion required for playing soccer in such heat would require a lot of water (and temperance) to keep up. My guess is, he had a late night and needed a boost for the game. The boost led him to overwork a dehydrated body, and the result almost killed him.

The Tale of You Can’t Play Soccer if You Smoke

Years ago, I joined a team of all coworkers, but I hadn’t been at the job long enough to know much of anyone. At the first game, I recognized a guy for a reason that sent up a red flag or two: I see him everyday on my way into the office, smoking a cigarette by the door.

The starting whistle blew with this guy on the field. He seemed fine but subbed out literally one minute later. I went in for him, played ten minutes or so and came back to the bench. I saw him seated, clinging to consciousness, sucking in air, pale and covered in sweat. Moments later, he limped away to puke.

Not only did he not return to the field that day, but he never showed up to another game. The moral of the story is, if you smoke, you can play golf or pool. Only.

—–

There is a tiny nation in the world of soccer of which many of us are citizens: The Recreation League. Far from Old Trafford, papparazzi, and highlight reels, you’ll find me playing co-ed, open age group, in a middle tier division, in Columbus, Ohio. In the grand soccer scheme, my team hardly exists. There is no cup for us. We have no fans, no salary, no recognition, and no respect outside our microcosm. But what is inside the microcosm is what Rec Rules is about—a regular look inside the American recreation league culture.

• Fulham beat Aston Villa 3-1 to move into a position to play European football next season. Fulham was a preseason favorite to be relegated. Fulham are currently in seventh place on the Prem table.

• Chelsea beat the crap out of Arsenal 4-1. At this point in the season it does not matter because Arsenal has secured a spot in the Champions League and Chelsea has nothing better to play for at this point.

• Manchester United played two games this round. The first was a 2-0 win against Manchester City in the Manchester Derby. Then Man U beat Wigan 2-1 to finally make up the game they were behind. Manchester United is now 6 points clear of Liverpool at the top of the table. One more point in the last 2 games and Manchester United secures the Prem title.

The team identity is taken from the 13 original American colonies that met in the 1770s in Philadelphia to break British rule and form a constitution, with the color scheme from the American Revolutionary Army.

Early speculation suggest that the Philadelphia Union will be rivals with nearby DC United and New York Red Bulls.

American keepers have been successful at the highest levels of English football. Everton’s Tim Howard (who started his English footballing career at Manchester United) might be one of the best.

Howard has been instrumental in leading Everton to the 2009 FA Cup Final against Chelsea. The final will be played May 30th at Wembley, and is the oldest football competition in the world.

Tim Howard and the Everton defense has also been given credit for an Everton record 16 cleansheets this season. After Everton’s 0-0 tie this weekend, Everton has gained a place in next season’s UEFA Cup. Any season that Everton earns a place in a European competition is a good season.

Howard, who is the number one keeper for the United States national team, is expected to lead the US to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

• Okay, so I missed Round 34 of the Prem. I have been…busy…you know. So on to Round 35.
  

• Even though Aston Villa beat Hull 1-0, Arsenal’s 3-0 win against Portsmouth have put them 10 points ahead in the race for the critical forth spot on the Prem table. There are only 3 games left so Villa has no chance to catch Arsenal.

• Manchester United beat Middlesbrough 2-0 to go three points clear at the top with a game in hand.

• Chelsea’s 3-1 win against Fulham has helped keep the pressure on Liverpool for second. Chelsea are six points behind Manchester United.

• Liverpool will fight to the end to catch Manchester United. A 3-0 win against Newcastle has kept them within 3 points.