••• atenean101's Diary

Living Out Loud

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 21:31:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

••• James 1:12-15

"Living Out Loud" was the message "On Stage" earlier today.

After the heavy feeling that yesterday had brought me, I decided to visit 'On Stage' once again. And so I've prepared my tired self by having enough sleep which I have perhaps forgotten for almost 3months now. Was glad I was able to make it.

Thought everything's fine after I woke up this morning, thinking that I have had enough sleep this time - almost 12hours. But only for me to realize that I am still feeling heavy deep inside especially after I've noticed that my pocket's almost empty. Then I remembered that I've been trying to ask some of my buddies yesterday for the said matter, yet I felt like I was ignored... one of the reason why I ended up leaving work rushing.

Good thing that earlier today, God answered my prayer. I received a positive reply from a certain buddy who's with us the other Friday night, the night which I considered odd and annoying... and you may consult my previous entries for this matter.

So I went 'On Stage' and happy to have heard and learned great messages again. Too bad that it was already the Part 3. This made me realize some of the unnecessary things I've just done lately which I shouldn't have done. The messages seem to be surreal which hit me not just once but many times at that certain time. But was glad I was able to hear those messages, it made me smile and have a better outlook for the next days to come.

And I'll share some of the things I've learned today 'On Stage'...
• Know your vulnerabilities
• Don't play with temptations
• 5 Be A's to overcome temptation:
[1] Be Aware
[2] Be Accountable
[3] Be Alert
[4] Be Assured
[5] Be A New Person

Feelin' Lonely

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 23:26:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Today, the thought of home hit me once again... my family, friends, foods, dialects, places, and everything! Especially at this very time of year that the culmination of Ramadan is fast approaching. Wondering how my family and friends are going to celebrate HARI RAYA E'DIL FITR' this year... and wondering how they're going to celebrate it again without me.

Today, I hurriedly left work after everything's done for the day... I just wanna be by myself. I just wanna be alone. I just wanna realize what went wrong with my life.

I just don't want people to see my cry. I do not want them to dig deeper, for I am certain I am gonna burst.

Friday Reminiscence

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:11:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Earlier today I went to barber shop for hair trimming. I just wanna have a new look, I guess.

And yes, it's Friday again. It's Friday, the suppose end of the week, the suppose time to end stress... or say unwind. Whatever Friday may be, for us - my colleagues at work and I, this remains a normal working day.

For the past few weeks, I used to go out with him on this day... yet right now, I am alone and just merely reminiscing the times and memories I have spent with him on the same day. Thinking what could have been my night this time in case I am with him, in case we're together.

I used to be a writer, but I do not know what's happening. I could not write the right words today. Could not think the way I normally think... could not compose anything that is worth reading... something that would make sense. I do not know.

Troubled? I guess I am. I really am. And this is just isn't fair. I am the only eagle who could not fly. Flied before, yet my fall took me to this unknown world where I cannot spread my wings, and all I could do is walk and be the prey of life's unwanted souls.

For sure I would have written this diary better... but the credit should always be mine for I have tried to write this better.

They Failed to Notice...

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:43:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

I feel so small today. Broke. Down. Left behind. But I shan't let this issue add to this troubled world I'm already into.

It was just week ago when I received my salary but right now all I have are 2 pieces of a peso coin. What could have been the problem? What happened? Good thing there's always an 'Ate B' in times like this. But this very fact's giving me a reason to be more or totally disappointed with myself.

Cried the whole day. Everybody failed to notice it... because I was smiling while I was crying... and just letting another day passed.

Disturbed By Disappointment

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:14:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Was glad to have published the first of my last pieces. And I shall write the very last piece the moment this first one reached him. From then, after the very last piece, I shall never include him again to any of my post... will never mention anything about him even just a word that may be linked to him. I shall be true to my words, I should be.

Yes, was late at work again. And I should blame the first piece, but it's not the only reason for sure.

Was 45minutes late. And I was feeling my Team Leader's disappointment. Though I made another sale today, it hasn't changed the fact that I was late... and would surely give the reason for people to think that I am neglecting my job, and I cannot blame them. She's really disappointed and this has affected me so much today that I ended up bothered and disturbed again the whole day. I should have asked her for help, advice and guidance, but opted to just keep things by myself alone.

I'm becoming more crappy and disturbed again... Maybe it would be best for me to attend "ON STAGE" this SUNDAY, and asked for peace of mind.

Hunted By Guilt

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 22:01:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

It's 7:58AM again. The same as yesterday, came in at work on time but almost late. But whatever the case is, fact remains that I was on time. Thank God.

Earlier today, I read his message. He sent me another message. And I feel great. I'd be a big liar if I'd deny the fact that I was touched by his message, and even argued with myself of whether to reply or not. But then again, I need to stand firm or else sanity might blame myself and would turn her back on me.

The guilt feeling hunted me the whole day. Was disturbed even while at work. I kept thinking. Argued with myself. One side of me was forcing myself to write him a reply or to even call him, yet the other side chose to stay and remain unaffected. Liar! How could I remain to pretend unaffected when all I wanted to do at that point is to grab my phone and dial his number. Liar! I am such a great liar.

Then lunch time came and my phone rang. Somebody's calling me, I thought. Hesitated at first, but still I grabbed my phone and answered the call... only to hear the voice that I have been missing... only to realize that it was him on the other line. Tried to pretend that his call was just nothing and tried to avoid. And though it was a success, deep inside me is bleeding. Yes, I was just fooling myself but I won't be telling him. He will never know the real score anyway.

Good thing that I received a kudos from one of my favorite contacts. She sent me an email stating how grateful she is for my immediate and efficient assistance. She even admitted that she's been quite rude to me, yet I still had managed to assist her with her concerns effectively and efficiently. This made me smile... Still thankful for HIS greatness. That despite of all the troubles, HE gave me a reason to celebrate the day.

Thank You & Good Bye

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:52:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

7:58AM, the office clock said after the voice prompt uttered the word 'Thank You!". Was glad to have arrived at work on time, and even greeted everybody with a smile on my face upon entering the production floor. Then I whispered "Thank God".

Guess the day's meant for me that despite of being troubled by the latest occurences, was able to smile and to be more positive. God's really great.

Was even glad and surprised to have received emails from 3 contacts which accounts are handled by me. Who would expect that I will be receiving emails from them, not at this stage, but they just did. Not to mention that emails received were eventually converted into sales; they emailed because they want to place another order. And this just gave me the reason to cheer.

Then I received messages from him. He texted, yet I never replied. Trying to ignore him as much as I could for the reason that I may not be able to disclose. Reasons are aplenty, that's for sure. Though the guilt try to bother me, I tried not to be affected. And was glad I was able to be firm with my stand.

At the end of the day, heard the latest buzz in our group - Cebu Bloggers Society which is better known as CBS. One of my closest CBS buddy resigned from his position of being our Events Committee Chair, later then I just realized that it's not just the committee, I mean, he's not only resigning from being our events committee chair, but to the whole group as well. He's bidding goodbye. Maybe he has his reasons why he decided to move from our group, and for whatever his reasons were, I shall respect it. Yes, we have to let go. Anyway, we're still friends and he's just a call and text away.

The day just went fine. Hoping that it would be better tomorrow.

The Only Tangible Memory

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 22:54:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

After we have talked last night, I have finally made up my mind... And though the outcome's unclear and unforeseen, I am taking the risk.

Today's SUNDAY. Today, we're suppose to meet at 'On Stage' but I did not show up. Around 9:30 in the morning, he sent me a message... a message reminding me of the said meet up and informing me at the same time that he'll call me before the mass starts. And though this little effort from him made me feel great, still I decided not to show up. I even intentionally off my phone just for him not to reach me... And though the guilt's killing me, I'm taking it.

I slept all day... I slept with his gift beside me, the only tangible thing that will remind me of him. Then I whispered "bilog ang mundo" with a smile on my face, remembering the same thing that he has said upon giving me the gift.

I woke up almost midnight. My head's quite heavy and I feel the need to go back to sleep.

And before I sleep, I uttered a prayer, hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, everything's clear.

Odd & Annoying

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 22:01:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Last night's date with him and a colleague, went just fine, but it could have been better. That's for sure. The feeling was so odd and annoying especially when you have tried to do the best you could do just to end up the night better, yet the other end was so insensitive enough to be doing stuffs that ended the night the other way around.

I have not taken a sleep yet, and I'm feeling tired, restless and sleepy right at this very moment. Yet, I need to finish this.

Saturday's been sooooo boring. The usual saturday I must say, but today's quite worst. Maybe it's because of the thoughts and pictures of him that keeps on flashing in.

I know, I have so much to write today, but I just could not focus. And I cannot think of anything except for the fact that we've met again. He called, and we've decided to meet and talk around 10:00PM... and though I have not gotten enough sleep, I really tried to be with him, because there's a need to end whatever I have had in mind. And I know after our talk everything will no longer be the same as what it was... everything will be different from the way I use to live my life with him.

Let tomorrow be the judge to whatever happens... Let tomorrow solve this issue I have inside...

Another Day of Maybe...

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:58:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson. Good Morning (07:21:37)
• A message I received from him earlier today. For whatsoever reason why he sent this message, let's just leave it with him and him alone. If you will ask me, the answer would surely be "I DO NOT KNOW".

Earlier today, the thoughts of meeting him tonight became more of a question to me. But it happened. We met. We dine. We shared another memories, but this time 'twas not just between the two of us. We shared memories together with one of my closest colleague. And though the meet-up went just fine, I could not help but wonder why he has not cleared the doubts that's been troubling me since the time we talk over the phone, yesterday.

Everything's fine, I tried to remind myself. But as I am recalling the event, all that had happened earlier, the pressure of writing this diary became more of a torture. Could not think well, I am confused. Still trying to figure answers that I cannot grasp. But I need to finish this now...

Today, I slept better than yesterday. Did some laundry and fixed some boarding house' stuffs while listening to Rascal Flatts' kind of music... I'M MOVING ON, WINNER AT A LOSING GAME, WHAT HURTS THE MOST, I DID IT ALL FOR YOU, THINGS THAT MATTER, & TAKE ME THERE. Later then I realized, I am starting to love Rascal Flatts.

Today's work ended up just fine though it was another boring day. Was late again because of a certain taxi that blocked the way. Then I almost got a sale but the contact asked me to call her the next day to process and confirm her order. And because of too much thinking, headache hit me again. Good thing there's an ADVIL available which lessened the pain.

He called during our break time. He just wanted to confirm the above mentioned date. I hesitated to answer his question at first, trying to find the right words to express how I really feel that moment but ended up confirming it...

As much as I wanted to be honest to him, I could not directly tell him of what I really feel that time. I have even planned not to show up... but I realized later on that it would surely be unfair on his part aside from the fact that it wouldn't solve any of my doubts but would rather complicate the situation.

So it happened. We met. We dine. And we shared again memories to be treasured and remembered... But he did not clarify anything as what I was expecting. Was left with doubts and myself alone... still thinking, and still grasping for answers that I may be able to answer yet I prepare for him to answer...

Maybe tomorrow would answer what's been troubling me today. Again, it's another day of maybe...

Mixed Up

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:50:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

While writing this note, I'm battling with headache. But though I'm not feeling okay, still opted to finish this note. Not because I need to, but simply because I want to.

There are lots of things that had happened that I need to tell you, to share to you... Yet my mind's not fixed. Worst, could not even compose the right words to coincide with it. No, this is not mental block, I'm so familiar with the word. Maybe, my mind's just not fixed this time to agree with whatever input I input.

Earlier today, I visited his wall. Read his wall. Noticed their conversation... between him and his high school friends, and other friends. Then a proposal ran through my mind which I eventually proposed to him.

Did inform him of my proposal through text message. But did not receive any reply. Tried calling him thrice while on break, yet nobody answered. So, just decided to wait for any response from his end.

Waited... Waited... and waited... and waited... until I received his reply. But because of the unclear response, I decided to clarify things by simply calling him. Only to be puzzled... Only to end up wondering... Wondering what could have been the reason behind. Of why he could not even tell me things over the phone or even on text message. I may have just misinterpreted or misunderstood things... but you can't blame me. And even if I am currently in doubt, I shall give him the benefit of the doubt.

Today, everything seems to be mixed up. My emotion, my thoughts, and even my body, they seem to annoy me. And it irritates me. Especially that everything's giving me headache. Yet still I am puzzled... wondering... thinking... If only...

But we'll meet tomorrow. We'll meet tomorrow together with one of my close buddies at work . And that buddy happens to be one of his friends too. They're both from the same place. They're schoolmates. They may not be close, but they're friends. And yes, will be with them tomorrow to celebrate a certain event... an event that had happened not so long ago, but a week ago. And until then, maybe I'll know the real score... Hope he would clear my doubts.

Yesterday's Better

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:43:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

The day just went fine and everything's turned out to be just the same as yesterday but yesterday's better.

At work, I came in late. But it's no big deal. Just somehow felt guilty 'coz I knew I could have been early yet I did no effort to be early. It was indeed another boring and uneasy day. Uneasy because of the unwanted hotness inside the production floor, and it seems to pressure not only myself but my colleagues as well.

Then came a point that I cannot think... Can't do what I am supposed to do. And resulted to my incapacity to write today's diary.

Feelin' Lucky

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:28:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Feelin' lucky. Today is the start of 'BER months which signals that Christmas holiday season is near. Yes, I am not a Christian. This is indeed a fact. Yet, this season just give me warmth in my heart, and maybe this is because of the spirit that this season brings.

Today, my personal blog "atenean101 @ Blogspot" just turned one year old. From http://insearch4you.blogspot.com, it is now officially www.insearch4you.com. This is such a fulfillment that gives me the reason to be proud, to be glad and to be grateful to have reached this far... I know, this is just nothing compared to other bloggers and their blogs around who have already established their names not only in the online world but offline as well. But this is still an achievement that I would be forever grateful of.

Haven't heard from him again. Not a single text message. Not even a single note on one of today's popular network community, where he normally leaves me a message... And until now, still having second thoughts of whether to send him the message I composed earlier or not. The message is still in my outbox, composed while bored at work. Now, just waiting for any signs... signs that would help me decide.

It was like 48 years of waiting. Tired, restless and bored, I fell into a deep slumber. Later then, I have realized it's almost midnight and time to start another day. Then I remembered, hurriedly checked my phone and was able to smile when I saw his name on my phone... he sent me a message around 8:15PM. After I replied, I immediately deleted the one stored in my outbox, 'coz there's no longer a point of sending it.

Around 5AM, a message from Philippine Blog Awards' Panel prompted me saying that atenean101 @ Blogspot's now an official nominee to "2009 Philippine Blog Awards". Wow! Isn't it amazing?

Now this I'd like to ask, is there still a reason for me not to feel lucky this day? Maybe I'd just leave this question to you.

Life's still indeed beautiful. And God's still the best of all the best. Cheers!

Day of Anonymity

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 21:52:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Wondering why I felt so tired today. I know I am happy, was happy, and no doubt about it. But why is there a need to convince myself? It's just so odd... so weird. Now I was left thinking, wondering, searching, and trying to figure out what could have been the problem. Can't think of any, of anything. Maybe I was just really tired.

Another boring day at work had passed. Was not late. Being in front of the computer for almost 20hours had worsen the weird feeling. It's quite strange and my whole system doesn't recognize it's code, or maybe the code's format was different from the format that I am currently using... I do not know. Unknown, this best describe it.

Chatted with some online buddies around 2AM 'til 5AM. Did apologize to our committee chairperson for not attending yesterday's meet up, and was glad that my apology was accepted. And while I was trying to soft launch this diary, an online buddy who's a full time mom at the same time, prompted me about a certain online marketing outfit where she just recently earned $$$$, and it has caught my interest so I tried it with her as my referral... Also, was informed by one of my closest CBS buddy that today's going to be the Part-two of our Official Video Campaign featuring Cebu's finest places and landmarks... I should have joined them, if only time and work would permit.

Been exchanging text messages with him since last night. He's coming back. He's back. Learned that today's his parents' wedding anniversary, which I assumed as the very reason why papa's with him. Happy? You bet. I know I am, and I should really be, yet there's something missing... lacking deep within. This time, I am the one who's confused. And this is getting weird. Need to think of nothing, need to think of nobody, even just for 5minutes or make it 10minutes... or make it an hour? Guess it would be best to simply give myself time to relax and delete whatever needs to be deleted.

And as I am ending up today's diary input, still I am confuse.

Rest Day's Dilemma

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 21:48:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Finally it's rest day again. Happy to have had enough sleep. Was busy, tired and restless the whole week, so just decided to sleep the whole day. Though 'twas a fulfillment, still I feel guilty that I wasn't able to attend some important stuffs like the first formal CBS - Events Committee meeting, and my laundries.

Waking up after 10-11hours is awesome, yet the feeling was uneasy. My head's quite heavy than the usual but it's not aching...

Candid & Unscripted

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:35:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Yesterday's event went a way better than what I have expected. And to the few buddies who have shared moments with me at that certain point of my life, I would surely be forever grateful. Candid and unscripted, best describe happy and precious moments, and I could not agree more. As for me, what had happened yesterday will be one of the greatest moments I have had and will forever be treasured and remembered.

The launching of my life's new chapter is already unfolded. It has started. And I have decided to start it with a new beginning, apparently the reason why I was not late today. This may never really be something for one to be proud of, but as the saying goes, "great thing starts with a small and new beginning".

Work's boring... just the same as it was yesterday and the other day. Received no inbound calls, and did just a few outbounds. As a Business Direct (care) Representative, part of my work is to receive inbound calls from businesses, and at the same time, do outbound calls to potential businesses in order to speak with any business' decision-makers regarding a certain business proposal. And today is Saturday. In our case, businesses that we normally do business with treat Saturday as their busiest day... and it irritates them once they receive any marketing calls from any business outfit. "Call me any time of the week but not Saturday"; "Don't you know what day is today?"; "It's Saturday and we're just too busy". Just some of the few things I was able to receive from owners and managers, earlier today. But then again, I was just doing what I have been tasked to do.

Did not receive message any message from him today. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he doesn't have load. Maybe he's with friends. Maybe he's asleep all day. Maybe he did not remember me. Or maybe he just simply forget. Whatsoever the reason is or the reasons are, I would be left thinking... maybe...

Later then I have read his latest post on his wall. He's with friends. Bet he's making the most out of his break, and it's fairly understood. Just want him to be happy. Just want what's best for him, even if it means embracing misery.

When the Day Has Come

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 22:32:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Get irritated early today. My tardiness has worsen. But God know I have no intention to be late again, not at this very day, and not after being reminded by my superior of the said matter. I am just lucky to have a team leader who is patient and understanding, to have had tolerated my very unprofessional acts which I could say is already subject to be reprimanded.

Yes, for the nth time, was late again. Even if how hard I have tried not to be late, still, was late. Yet I believe I would have been on time or even early than expected, if only the problem with transportation that had had occured awhile ago did not really occur. Call it coincidence, but I bet it's more than that. And I need not elaborate this because it's getting into my nerves.

Disappointed and irritated, as how I considered myself that particular time, was glad to have received a call from him. The mood immediately shifted. It was quite obvious with the way I answered the call. Hearing him uttered 'hello' after almost 3days of hiatus had brought an intense feeling that is apparently apparent in me. Though I have tried denying the idea that it is him that I am desiring for this day, fact would always remain a fact, not unless there is such thing as "erroneous fact".

Life Before Tomorrow

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:10:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

And then again, I was late. Late by 1hour and a half to work, yet still glad that despite of being too sleepy, I made it to work. Just quite disappointed that my effort to fix my personal blog's comments issue was put into waste. And I feel wasted as I am writing this... 2hours of sleep last night, oh boy I guess I am going to collapse.

Haven't heard anything from him yet since yesterday, not a single message, not even a word. This made me wonder. But I do not want to think of anything that is negative, not at this point that I am sure where I exactly stand. He is not obliged, I tried to tell myself. And as much as I wanted to contact him, I opted not to, not because of pride but because of my desire for his happiness and peace of mind. But I would still be waiting.

Today, I am glad I was able to smile so many times, a smile that is real and of no doubt and hesitation. A smile that I consider not fake. I feel good, it's heart warming.

The thought of tomorrow is getting into me right now. I am not certain how the day would end up, but more or less it would be just the same as the normal day I have had. I am not expecting anything, I do not want to. Whatever the outcome is, I shall be grateful for everything. And to GOD I offer my life, and I could not ask for more but peace of mind for my family and friends. But if I would be asked what I want to happen, I want the day to end up in a glimpse, so I would be ready to face another day.

The Promise

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 19:06:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

He's going back to Bantayan Island today. If you'll ask me what time, I do not know. But yes, I am starting to miss him. But I shall be true to my words.

Forward - An Introduction

noreply@blogger.com (atenean101) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:40:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Today, I have decided to start writing this diary. And yes, I am so excited. I cannot help but be so excited with the idea that starting today, this diary shall be witness to my daily life's account... and that starting today, I will open my life to anybody, to everybody.

Reasons to this decision are aplenty, but I shall not disclose any here, not even one. Let me just put it this way; God is so good that He has shown me the way to realize life's lesson that I need to learn.

My sincere thanks to Dr. Charles C. Finn for his poem entitled "PLEASE HEAR WHAT I AM NOT SAYING", for this had brought me too many realizations, realizations which I consider fundamental in my growth as a person, and as a wholistic being created by God to submit to His will.

But please, I beg you not to judge me through this writing alone. This is just merely one side of the story. Just simply my take on my very own story. Whatever I may input here, may not all be true, or the other way around. Fact is I am only human. For as long as I am living, I could always commit mistake and misled anybody. Sad thing is, I may have committed these yet I am not aware I just did.

I may be soliciting your attention, but this does not mean I need your concern, not even your sympathy. Let alone serve the very purpose of this diary. Let alone be the subject of your conscience. And let alone follow this diary's golden rule: "PLEASE JUST READ!"