Affectionately subtitled: Super Sexy Tourist Attire
So, fate had it that I had to run a quick errand near the Colosseum metro stop the other morning. While waiting for my friend to arrive so I could drop off some things I needed to give him, I sat down in the small circular piazza above the metro stop, and realized I had placed myself at exactly ground zero for a super-mega tour group staging point. Like you know when a cruise unleashes like 200 people and they all divide into color-coded stickered groups of 20? Hashtag #scary. And yet, at the same time, a super fun sort of sociological anthropological experiment in tourist observation. My ethnographic notes for you are thus:
1. Americans love to ask each other “Where are you from?” It ties us together. I witnessed the most brilliant exchange. Two twenty-something young married couples start off chit-chatting, and, after the famous “Where are you from?” end up not only discovering that they live like the next town over from each other, but that they have friends who went to the same high school, and that they’re all four flying back on the same flight. Oh, love.
2. Two is the photo above. Why black short socks with loafers and shorts? I don’t know. I just cannot get on board with this look.
3. Waiting for a friend in front of the Colosseum is fabulous, no matter how many years you live in this city. It just simply never gets old. Never.
My title is a bit misleading because I don’t really have any exciting content for tourists looking for fashion tips. I’ve lived in Rome for too long and I’m far too cynical for that.
But, well, now I’m feeling a bit guilty, see, so, ok, fine. Here you go. My top PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DO THIS because it’s just basically super gag-worthy for those of us who live here (oh now, calm down, you don’t need to go into the comments and berate me for being snobby and opinionated. You won’t be telling me anything I don’t already know, so save your typing for comments on Perez Hilton’s blog instead.)
No, seriously. 20-something college girls walk around the city in these, and for the life of me, at the risk of sounding like an old, prudish granny, I ask myself: what is the appropriate environment for wearing these shorts? Because I think they are pajamas but I could be mistaken. I’m sure they’re entirely appropriate attire on college campuses across the US. But frankly in front of a centuries-old church, they just look … [adjective]. See how fun I am on my blog? I let you play Mad Libs!
Hey, come in really close, I want to tell you a secret. Do you know what Italians call American kids they see walking around the Eternal City in $2 Old Navy plastic and foam flip flops? They call them “piedi neri,” black feet. Want to know why? Because, as I’m sure you’ve discovered if you’ve ever walked around the Eternal City in flip flops, it takes but a minute for the bottoms of your feet (and probably the tops, too) to become totally and completely black. It’s the truth. This city is dirty and you should not be walking around it in shower shoes. Just saying.
Oh, and BTW, attenzione Italian language enthusiasts: a reader of mine going by the name of Emanuele who lives in Boston wrote a variation on my 51 Things I’ve Learned in Italy and wrote it in Italian, Le 70 Cose Che Noi Italiani Abbiamo Imparato in USA…because I guess he had to show me up and add like, twenty extras. And I’ll have you note that right there, hanging out at number twenty-three, is this: “23 – I sandali infradito, le cosiddette Flip-Flop, sono il culto pop di ogni donna americana al pari degli zoccoli di legno per le casalinghe italiane.” Which translates exactly to: “Flip flops are the cult classic shoes of every American woman, the equivalent of the wooden clogs for Italian housewives.” Whaa? Wooden clogs? What are these of which you speak? Maybe he’s talking about the Dr. Scholl’s they sell in like every single Italian pharmacy. How weird is that? Oh and just another lil’ BTW for y’all: don’t screw up saying zoccoli by accidentally saying zoccole. Just—don’t. Why? Because when you put that into Google Translator, and Google Translator gives you “hoes,” I can assure you that Google Translator is not referring to a garden implement. That is all.
Actually has nothing to do with anything. Hell, “touristes” isn’t even Italian, for the love of God! What kind of blog is this, anyways? I just thought it was awesome that someone found the need for a sign forbidding tourists to walk around in a jock strap. Good times. Kind of reminds me of this.
Oh, people. This is what I’m reduced to, in lieu of a hot date on a Saturday night. I tell you what. Taking one for the team. You can thank me later.
Oh yeah. One last one. Call it 3a. This:
Trust me: puke and broken glass is not a good look on you.