Okay, so some teams want to bring their own food … And some elite long-distance runners don’t wanna run outdoors in the polluted air … And the monks are mad in Tibet … And the torch relay is a daily disaster … Other than that, the Beijing Olympics are in great shape. Just super, thanks for asking. You know, at this point, the only thing worse would be letting Jar Jar Binks light the torch. I got a bad feeling about this.

You can’t have it both ways, Roy. This is big time college basketball. You can’t get rock-chalked into bolivian against your old gig, Kansas, on Final Flop, I mean, Final Four Saturday and then wear a Jayhawk decal on your shirt two days later. Trying to make everybody like you is a noble goal, Roy, but it’s mission impossible. Just ask your revered mentor, Dean Smif. And if he won’t tell you, then I will … Once you leave a no place like home like Kansas, you can’t go back. Just like those first half timeouts you didn’t call … Once you sit on ‘em, they’re puff daddy forever and ever, amen.

Welcome to the 2008 NFL Draft of Mock Drafts … With the first pick, Miami selects Mel Kiper Jr’s mock draft. Mel’s ESPN.com mock draft is well-analyzed, has good depth and balance and ran the mock 40 in a blistering 4.27 mock seconds. Picking second, the Rams select the mock draft of SI.com’s Don Banks. Don’s mock set a new combine record with 34 mock bench reps but his three-page web format with 1-10, 11-20 and 21-32 navigation buttons caused his mock stock to drop just a bit. At the third pick, we have a trade. The Patriots trade their No. 7 mock draft pick (obtained last year from San Francisco) plus their own 3rd round mock draft pick plus a 2009 5th round mock draft pick to the Falcons for their No. 3 mock draft pick this year. The Falcons, of course, are in a major rebuilding mode and need the extra mock draft picks. The Patriots then make a surprise pick taking Chris Steuber’s mock draft from Scout.com. The up-and-coming Steuber was on no one’s mock draft of Draft of Mock Drafts until just a few days ago but now here his mock is the impressive choice of the defending AFC champs. Well done, Chris.

If you think one and a half billion Chinese could care less, then you haven’t seen the X-rays of Houston Rockets center Yao Ming’s foot.  Chairman Yao has a stress fracture and months of rehab before the Beijing Olympics start later this summer.  It’s not like there was any pressure on Yao or anything.  Oh no, there’s nothing expected of the most famous athlete in the world’s most populous country in the event they’ve lusted after for decades.  Nope, no pressure at all.  Heal fast, Yao.  Heal really fast.

From our “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” Department, the National Football League gave in last week to pressure from church groups and will now allow religious organizations to throw Super Bowls parties and show the big game live on big screen TV’s.  Previously, the league insisted that their copyright stopped anyone but sports bars from showing it on large screens but now any church used on a “routine and customary” basis can show the Supe to its own flock too.  So get ready for a flood of biblical proportions … The Church of My Next Door Neighbor’s Living Room … The Church of the Holy Bean Dip … The Church of St Vincent of Lombardi … The Church of the 16.7 Million Colors At 1920×1080 Pixel Resolution.

We have a new hero and his name is Keith Van Horn, forevermore an inspiration to all of us.  You see, because of salary cap rules, NBA trades have become so complicated and so convoluted that teams often have to include dead money just to make the numbers add up.  Van Horn retired two years ago but never filed his paperwork … And the only way his last team, the Mavericks, could trade with the Nets for Jason Kidd last week was to include Van Horn in the deal.  Which is why Keith Van Horn inked a $4,000,000 contract to get on a plane to New Jersey, take a physical and then fly back home to resume not playing basketball.  So why is he a hero ???  Simple.  Next time Mrs Van Horn tells Keith he can’t expect to get paid just to sit around the house all day doing nothing, all Keith has to say is … Au contraire, my dear, au contraire.

There’s no need to fear, Underdog is here. And it’s about time too. For the first time in the 100-year history of the Westminster Dog Show, a beagle took Best In Show. Uno, a noisy 3-year-old champion and a huge crowd favorite, kicked major kibbles and bits at the top shelf show. This is good … The Westminster should reward regular breeds and cut back on all the frou-frou poodles and the other exotic toy dogs. Maybe next year they’ll really wise up and give it to a golden retriever named “Doobie” wearing a Grateful Dead bandanna with a wet frisbee in his mouth.

I still don’t understand why NASCAR touts the upcoming Daytona Five Hunnered as the Super Bowl of its long season. Okay, so it’s the richest and most coveted race on the schedule. And true, if you’re gonna start your season in February, the Florida coast blows doors off of New Hampshire or Michigan. But how can the first race of the season be the biggest and the best ??? I mean, if you follow that logic, why not just wave the checkered flag after the first lap and call it a day.

I am sorry to see HBO’s “Inside The NFL” show go puff daddy after 31 years but they have no one really to blame but themselves. Oh, the highlights were still superb. Nobody does game footage better than NFL Films. But this year, the one-hour show averaged about 27 minutes of highlights with many teams often left out altogether. The other 33 minutes ??? A painful mix of show host banter, meaningless predictions, fuzzy rumors and, worst of all, sappy human interest stories straight out of Oprah Central. I mean, really, as a sports fan, would you rather see Jon Kitna visit a children’s hospital wing or Jon Kitna throw four interceptions ???  The prosecution rests.

You can tie down a Baby Elephant with a rope, and it will still keep it in place when it is full grown.

This is so incredible … I am at a loss for words. Check out all the construction details, complete with tons of great photos.

I know, I know…Valentine’s Day seems like a “made up holiday” to separate us men from our hard-earned cash. Well, I have to admit that I am a hopeless romantic, so it is actually nice to have a day that allows me to get my sweetie some flowers without her asking, “OK, what did you do wrong?”

Atom Magazine has a special deal with 1-800-Flowers that will only last until 11:59 PM on Monday, February 11th. Sorry for the late post about this, but I just got the details about the deal myself. So here it is: You can get 2 Dozen Roses, plus a free “Premium Pink Vase”, for the price of 1 Dozen Roses. That price is $39.99, and you can get this deal by clicking on the previous link, on the image in this post, or the square 1-800 Flowers advertisement in the right-hand column throughout the site.

I already ordered several sets myself, so I know it is legitimate. Hope this helps some of you fellow “last minute shoppers”, but remember that the time on this is very limited.

Good night, Bobby Knight. One of the most polarizing sports figures of all time called it quits at Texas Tech after 902 career wins and 3 national champeenships. It’s a shame he’ll be remembered mostly for tossing chairs, kicking shins and grabbing throats but I doubt he and his fishing rod are gonna care all that much anyway. From a hoops sense, Knight will be remembered for suffocating man-to-man D, the motion offense with disciplined shot selection and horrible taste in sideline sweater fashion. Enjoy your retirement, Coach, and please be nice to your waitress down at the Bob Evans.

Hey, Peyton, don’t we have an age limit for our Manning Passing Academy summer camp for kids ??? Yeah, we do, Eli, why, what’s the matter ??? Oh, nothing, it’s just that I’m getting some really strange applications for this year’s camp. Here’s one from a “D McNabb”, age 31 from Philadelphia. Says he likes Campbell’s Chunky Soup and hates Rush Limbaugh. Here’s another from an “R Grossman”, age 27 from Chicago. And here’s another from a “C Pennington”, age 31 from New York. Who are these guys ???

And so National Signing Day is upon us. That magical day when college football determines that the exact same programs that have ruled for the last 50 years are gonna somehow manage to flourish and conquer for four more. Oh, the waiting. Oh, the suspense. Can we get a drum roll, please ??? Gators, Canes, Dawgs, Nuts, Sooners, Cajuns, Irish, SoCal, Bama, Tejas, Noles and Meeshigan. Toss in some Aggies, a few Nitts and some extra helpings of Tiggers, Ducks and Hogs here and there and it’s the same old soup all over again. Heat and stir. Ladle into Bowls. Serve.