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Last year I wrote a blog for Mother’s day called, “Mothers-to-be-day.”

I wrote, in that post, “It takes incredible courage to acknowledge that there is even a problem. We all want to believe that we are in control of our lives and to acknowledge that there is a fertility problem is to internalize a lack of control over this incredibly sensitive part of their lives.”

It takes courage to seek medical attention. No one likes to see doctors (I’m over a year late for a procedure myself), and the trip to the fertility doctor is a particularly difficult journey.

As I reflect on my 18 years as a fertility specialist, I realize that the people I have been privileged to work with on their fertility journey are those who have had the courage to take that initial step – that difficult journey to see a fertility doctor. Very frequently I see patients who have had the courage to take that step, but only after years of concern, indecision, and in some cases denial. All too frequently they come at a time where their delay has made the hope for success dim a little, when it did not need to be that way. And what about those that never took that step? How many had hopes and dreams, but for whatever reason let them recede into a small place in their heart protected from the pain of what might have been – a place that is always there.

Why do some people not take that first step? For many, it is because they worry that they will have to receive expensive, complicated treatment with little hope of success. Actually, the majority of patients under the age of 38 that present for treatment will have a diagnosis that can be treated with simple treatments, and over two-thirds will have a pregnancy within 6 months.  This means that there is real reason to hope, real reason to try.

We can’t always control what happens in our lives, but we can control how we choose to react to what happens. Mother’s day can be a difficult day for a woman still on the journey to having a family, especially if you are at the beginning of what seems like a long dark path. But the path is not dark. There are many who have gone before you who stand ready to light the path. There are caring providers who stand at the forks in the road to guide you in the right direction and walk with you on the road to success. All you need to do is take that first step. Let this Mother’s day be different than the rest. Let this day be the day you dare to dream, the day you dare to hope, the day you dare to do.

Drew V. Moffitt, M.D., FACOG, is co-medical director and president of Arizona Reproductive Medicine Specialists (ARMS) and an assistant professor at the University of Arizona. He is also director of the Division of Reproductive Medicine and Infertility for the residency program at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center. Dr. Moffitt has been in practice for over 17 years and has significant clinical experience in assisted reproductive technologies and reproductive surgery. To schedule a consultation, call (602) 281-9032.

Facing Mother’s Day after the death of your mother is difficult. This year, for a change, why not celebrate the life of your mom instead of focusing on her loss? Here are five activities to help make this Mother’s Day a bit brighter:

1. Express your feelings. We’ve all been told that expressing our feelings is an important step in the healing process. So try writing your mom a letter. Fill the page with memories of special moments you shared, questions you never had a chance to ask, or simply what you miss most about her. Anything goes. Save your letters or recordings in a safe place, and return to them every year. You’ll find comfort in the healing you’ve made over time.

2. Retrace your steps. Feel free to remember what you and your mother loved the most when spending time together – going for a walk, swimming together, cooking together, going to a coffee shop, etc. Imagine what she would love to do most and do it that day.

3. Watch it grow. In many parts of the country, Mother’s Day arrives at a perfect time for planting. Design a small themed garden that can be added to year after year. Your themed garden could feature varying shades of your mom’s favorite color, a group of special herbs, or wild flowers that are perfect for arrangements. If planting a garden is a bit too time consuming, buy a large flowerpot and design a mini themed garden instead. Either way, planting flowers is a beautiful celebration of your mother, and you’ll find the physical activity both calming and mood boosting.

4. Picture it. Photographs provide us with a wonderful way to capture precious moments. Dig through that big box of photos, and choose a few of your mom that are extra special. Consider choosing pictures of various sizes, and ones that capture the changing relationship you and your mother shared. Group the photos together and display them. You’ll be sure to smile when greeted by this surprise.

5. Make comfort food. Whether it’s pot roast or peanut butter cookies, moms seem to have that special knack for cooking up comfort. So this Mother’s Day, why not try cooking your mom’s special something yourself? Consider sharing mealtime with a few women who have touched your life in a meaningful way. This thoughtful gesture celebrates and gives thanks to those who continue to enrich your life.

Although Mother’s Day won’t ever be quite the same again, use these ideas to honor that very special relationship.

Find more articles on infertility support at AttainFertility.com.

Dr. Ariadna Cymet Lanski is a clinical psychologist who offers psychological services to meet the unique needs of individuals and couples coping with fertility challenges at the Fertility Centers of Illinois. She leads FCI’s Women’s Support Group, provides consultation during various stages of fertility treatment and conducts egg donor assessments. Dr. Cymet Lanski’s clinical practice specializes in reproductive health issues -from preconception, pregnancy, and postpartum adjustment to parenthood.  Dr. Cymet Lanski helps patients to manage stress and feel empowered about their choices. Dr. Cymet Lanski is a graduate of the Universida De Las Mareicas (BA in Psychology) and Illinois School of Professional Psychology (M.A., Psy.D. in clinical psychology). She completed her doctoral internship at Illinois Masonic Behavioral Health, and received post-internship training at Swedish Covenant Hospital, and postdoctoral training at Chicago’s Institute for Psychoanalysis.

Having a miscarriage is a significant loss and a devastating experience. Hopes and dreams of a baby are snatched away so suddenly. One moment there was a baby growing inside of you, and the next one the baby is gone. And as with any loss, you must grieve. In your case, this Mother’s Day might be particularly painful as it also marks the first anniversary of your loss (the first year after a loss is particularly painful and difficult). Will next year or the year after be better? Probably – it usually does get better. You will never forget, but it will be easier to deal with someday. And don’t forget you’re still a mother too, even if your baby isn’t here with you.

Here are some ways that you can cope when Mother’s Day rolls around.

1. Spend time talking with your partner about your loss and what the baby meant to both of you. There is great healing when a couple can talk together about their baby. Also, talking about your loss is another way of allowing yourself to “feel” like you are a mother. Validation is an important part of the grieving process.

2. If you have not named your baby who was lost to miscarriage, Mother’s Day is a great day to think about doing this. There is healing in giving your child a name. You or your partner might not be ready to do this, or you might not see a reason to name a miscarried child. But sometimes we need to hear words other than “it”, “tissue”, or “fetus”. There is something very special when a mother can call her child by name. And you can keep the name in your heart forever.

3. Mother’s Day is not a day to mask your feelings. Give yourself permission to do what feels best for you to do. Take some time for yourself today, cry if you have to, and consider doing something to honor your baby. For example, write a letter to your baby, or plant a flower. This symbolizes that you will never forget the baby that was lost.  You might want to plan for a balloon release on Mother’s Day, giving your baby permission to “be away” while you remain the baby’s mother.

Use any and all combinations to cope on Mother’s Day after you have had a miscarriage. My thoughts are with you and all of the other mothers out there who are going through this right now.

Dr. Ariadna Cymet Lanski is a clinical psychologist who offers psychological services to meet the unique needs of individuals and couples coping with fertility challenges at the Fertility Centers of Illinois. She leads FCI’s Women’s Support Group, provides consultation during various stages of fertility treatment and conducts egg donor assessments. Dr. Cymet Lanski’s clinical practice specializes in reproductive health issues -from preconception, pregnancy, and postpartum adjustment to parenthood.  Dr. Cymet Lanski helps patients to manage stress and feel empowered about their choices. Dr. Cymet Lanski is a graduate of the Universida De Las Mareicas (BA in Psychology) and Illinois School of Professional Psychology (M.A., Psy.D. in clinical psychology). She completed her doctoral internship at Illinois Masonic Behavioral Health, and received post-internship training at Swedish Covenant Hospital, and postdoctoral training at Chicago’s Institute for Psychoanalysis.

It sounds like at 22 you had two children and felt that your family was complete. You did not mention this…but I hope that you are not blaming yourself for your tubal ligation and I hope you are not calling it “a bad decision”. You made the best decision at the time with the information you had at that time. The same goes for your husband and his experience. With that established, you do have options.

You can consult with a reproductive endocrinologist to see if you are a candidate for in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatment and your husband might want to consult with an andrologist (expert in male reproduction) to see if he is a candidate for a surgery where sperm is extracted from the testes. If neither one of you is a candidate for these procedures, if you don’t want so much medical intervention, or if the medical intervention is unsuccessful, there is an alternative option. You can still help both sets of children integrate better and develop long lasting bonds. Here are a few ways to do this:

1. Plan activities at home together. Enjoy a movie at home with all the children, have a barbecue in the backyard, decorate the house for the holidays or any other event. Playing board games or video games will be a good way to increase interaction and participation among both the children and the parents.

2. Celebrate all events. Do not let any opportunity to celebrate any event pass by. Make sure you have the birth dates of all the kids committed to memory. Every birthday must be celebrated and everybody should participate in the celebration. Any other events like graduations must be celebrated with the whole family participating.

3. Scrapbooking. Make sure your camera is handy and with you all the time to take candid pictures of the family whenever you have the opportunity. Create a scrapbook out of this and put it in a location where the family can see it and take a look. This will get the kids talking with each other and enjoying the pictures together.

4. Plan outdoor activities. Make sure the whole family has input on the place to go and the activities in which to participate. It could be a biking trip, hiking or a trip to the park. Any activity that will get the parents and the children together outdoors will encourage integration and blending.

One more thing to remember: secondary infertility is real and painful, regardless of the number of children you might already have. Like any infertile couple, if you are facing secondary infertility, you still need empathy, validation, and support. You will also need time to grieve and accept your situation and whatever outcome it might produce. There is no roadmap for creating a full life without the joint children you desire. It’s a make-it-up-as-you-go situation.

Dr. Ariadna Cymet Lanski is a clinical psychologist who offers psychological services to meet the unique needs of individuals and couples coping with fertility challenges at the Fertility Centers of Illinois. She leads FCI’s Women’s Support Group, provides consultation during various stages of fertility treatment and conducts egg donor assessments. Dr. Cymet Lanski’s clinical practice specializes in reproductive health issues -from preconception, pregnancy, and postpartum adjustment to parenthood.  Dr. Cymet Lanski helps patients to manage stress and feel empowered about their choices. Dr. Cymet Lanski is a graduate of the Universida De Las Mareicas (BA in Psychology) and Illinois School of Professional Psychology (M.A., Psy.D. in clinical psychology). She completed her doctoral internship at Illinois Masonic Behavioral Health, and received post-internship training at Swedish Covenant Hospital, and postdoctoral training at Chicago’s Institute for Psychoanalysis.

Recurrent miscarriages are a deeply felt loss. When we feel so sad or even discouraged, it is hard to hear even the waiter who happily exclaimed “Happy Mother’s Day” as you walked into a restaurant. After all, everywhere you look on Mother’s Day, there seem to be smiling, happy faces. To take care of yourself this Mother’s Day, plan ahead. Here are some suggestions to help you this Mother’s Day and during other difficult times throughout the year.

-Don’t put yourself in painful situations such as going out to a Mother’s Day brunch or attending Mother’s Day dedications at church. It’s not that you shouldn’t do those things for the rest of your life, but kindly declining may be the best way to protect your heart from difficult situations as you maneuver through this phase.

- Don’t spend Mother’s Day hosting a pity party by yourself. It’s a wasted day that you’ll never get back. Instead, plan an enjoyable day together with your partner. It is important to work as a couple during these difficult days. Consider tuning out the holiday emphasis entirely and make it an opportunity for a fun day together. See that movie you’ve wanted to see together or create a special meal together.

- Do plan an escape and make it your very own tradition. Go for a hike, to a movie, or the beach. Try a new exercise class at the gym, or pick out some new flowers from the nursery and spend the afternoon in the garden. Whatever it is, pick an activity where the focus is not on Mother’s Day but on something that you enjoy, something rejuvenating, and something that positively lifts your spirits naturally, away from the standard Mother’s Day reminders.

- Do spoil someone deserving. It truly is greater to give than to receive. Serving others will leave you little time to focus on yourself while giving you a sense of purpose. So instead of going to Mother’s Day brunch, plan to cook a nice lunch for someone you admire (your mother, mother-in-law, or another special person in your life)

- Do acknowledge your miscarriages. Talking about your loss is another important part of grieving.

- Do count your blessings. Literally count your blessings by listing them on a sheet of paper. You will realize that you are showered with goodness day after day. Think about family, friends, and faith and how your life is enriched by each one of these. Remember that there is always something for which to be thankful.

Whatever combination of coping strategies you chose…please do remember to be kind and loving to yourself on Mother’s Day.

Dr. Ariadna Cymet Lanski is a clinical psychologist who offers psychological services to meet the unique needs of individuals and couples coping with fertility challenges at the Fertility Centers of Illinois. She leads FCI’s Women’s Support Group, provides consultation during various stages of fertility treatment and conducts egg donor assessments. Dr. Cymet Lanski’s clinical practice specializes in reproductive health issues -from preconception, pregnancy, and postpartum adjustment to parenthood.  Dr. Cymet Lanski helps patients to manage stress and feel empowered about their choices. Dr. Cymet Lanski is a graduate of the Universida De Las Mareicas (BA in Psychology) and Illinois School of Professional Psychology (M.A., Psy.D. in clinical psychology). She completed her doctoral internship at Illinois Masonic Behavioral Health, and received post-internship training at Swedish Covenant Hospital, and postdoctoral training at Chicago’s Institute for Psychoanalysis.

Today I would like to talk about some ways to deal with a holiday that is especially difficult to manage.

Women who struggle with infertility find that the stress of becoming a mother is more pronounced during holidays, especially during Mother’s Day.  Mother’s Day not only reminds those women struggling with infertility that they have not become a mother but also celebrates something that infertile women desire to become.  Here are two effective ways to approach dealing with the stress of holidays, especially mother’s day:

1. Take the Driver’s seat.  Jump right in and celebrate your own mother.  Keep your mind off of your struggles with infertility by showering your mom and/or grandmother with love.

2. Take a break.  You can participate in an activity that is completely unrelated to Mother’s Day.  It’s just fine to let yourself take a holiday from the daily struggles of infertility.

So, with these ideas in mind, go ahead and plan ahead for Mothers’ day.  If you are feeling like celebrating your mom, then go for it.  If you are not ready to celebrate this year, that is fine too.  Either way, do what is right for you.

I wish strength to everyone of you struggling with infertility this Mother’s Day.

Dr. Lowell T. Ku, M.D. is an award winning and leading Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility specialist at Dallas IVF, one the nation’s premiere infertility centers. Doctor Ku clarifies the many confusing terms used in the world of Infertility using straightforward explanations.

Tip 1: Educate others.
When friends and family make comments that hurt, how do you react? It can often be really difficult to confront people about hurtful words, even when you do it gently. People sometimes take feedback as criticism, but what if you use this as a teaching moment? Have some infertility statistics memorized, like the following:

• Yeah, it’s hard. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples are also going through this?
• It’s not always a female problem. Male infertility is common, too.
• I have a disease and it hurts. To top it all off, my insurance doesn’t even cover my condition.

If you are worried about how others will react to your words, remind yourself that you are not only protecting yourself, but you could be protecting other people with fertility problems too. Remember, your friend may also be at a loss for words and does not know how her words affect you.

Tip 2: Stay calm and talk about how you feel.
If you find yourself in a situation like the above, take a few deep breaths. When you feel ready to talk, remember to use feeling words. This way, you take ownership of your feelings, and let the other person know how his or her words make you feel. Here are some examples:

• I feel (sad, angry, upset) when you make light of my infertility struggles.
• I really need support right now because I feel (weak, scared, sad) inside.
• Mom, I know that you want to celebrate Mother’s Day together, but I am (sad, depressed, not feeling up to it) this year.



Of course, you always have the option of staying silent if that feels best for you.

Tip 3: Practice self-care.
This Mother’s Day, if you need some time alone, let your relatives know in advance. Call your mother, send her a gift, but also allow yourself time to heal. If you’ve ever flown on an airplane, you’ve heard the attendant say, “Put an oxygen mask on yourself before placing it on someone else.” The reason? You must take care of yourself first before you can take care of anybody else. This Mother’s Day, consider the following activities if you need some escapism:

• Spend time with someone who is really good at cheering you up – someone who is optimistic, funny, supportive and always ready for a laugh. Go to the movies, dive into some popcorn (remember: it may boost fertility!) and escape for a few hours.
• Go ahead and make an appointment at a spa today, if you can. Get your nails done, have a massage, a facial, the works. Pamper yourself and relax completely.
• Plan a getaway with your partner for the weekend. Just you, your partner, a bottle of wine and a luxury hotel. Remember why you fell in love and be grateful that you have each other to get through the difficult times.

Attain Fertility offers a series of articles on coping with infertility.

As Mother’s day approaches, take care of yourself first. If your family and friends truly care about you and respect you, they will understand why you need extra infertility support right now. And if you haven’t located an infertility support group near you, check out this list of support groups at RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. RESOLVE also shares a variety of stories from women about how they choose to cope during Mother’s Day with infertility.

I hope these tips and stories help you on your journey. This Mother’s Day I will be lighting candles and saying prayers for all of you. Please let us know how you are doing.

Britt Berg is a writer, blogger, and content manager for Attain Fertility. She is also a trained therapist and co-author of Making a Baby, a book about infertility.

]]> http://blog.attainfertility.com/2012/05/mothers-day-infertility/feed/ 0 http://blog.attainfertility.com/2012/05/wellness-wednesdays-chocolate/ http://blog.attainfertility.com/2012/05/wellness-wednesdays-chocolate/#comments Thu, 03 May 2012 02:25:43 +0000 Britt Berg http://blog.attainfertility.com/?p=3693 I hope you like today’s topic. Year after year, more studies are finding that chocolate is not only edible bliss, but it may also offer some great health benefits.

A healthy body can often increase your chances of getting pregnant and conceiving a baby. And, once you are pregnant, being in good health reduces your chances of many complications and discomforts during pregnancy. Well, chocolate may not necessarily directly help you conceive, but it might be good for your overall health.

A number of research studies on chocolate are showing that moderate consumption of dark chocolate may be associated with several health benefits. These include:

• Decreased risk of heart disease
• Decreased risk of diabetes
• Decreased risk of stroke
• Reduced level of stress hormones

Chocolate may even help to improve vision and increase endurance. You may remember that Attain Fertility specialist Dr. Ku recently wrote a blog about chocolate and stress reduction. Eating small amounts of dark chocolate may reduce stress and help you relax while you work on building your family.

I wanted to know more about the science of these health benefits so I asked Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine nutritionist Tracey Singh, RD, LD, CDE to explain. Here is what she shared:

Chocolate (especially dark chocolate) contains flavanols, which act as antioxidants in the body. Antioxidants protect our body from everyday pollutants and are found in other foods like strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, and beans.

Tracey and I came up with some tips to help you get the most benefits of these flavanols found in chocolate:

1. As a general rule of thumb, the darker the chocolate, the higher the percentage of flavanols. For instance, white chocolate and milk chocolate products are not as high in flavanols as dark chocolate.
2. When choosing chocolates, look for dark chocolate products that do not list sugar as the first ingredient.
3. Many products containing chocolate are high in fat, sugar, and calories, and often contain caffeine. To prevent weight gain, eat dark chocolate only in limited amounts.
4. Moderation is key for good health! Try to buy snack bag sizes of dark chocolate to help with portion control.
5. If you eat 200 calories of dark chocolate a day, you’ll need to cut calories someplace else, or take a 45 minute brisk walk to burn those calories.

I am a lover of dark chocolate; my motto is the darker, the better. I try to always have a little bag of Ghirardelli Raspberry Dark Chocolates in my pantry and prefer Ghirardelli 60% Cacao Bittersweet Chocolate Chips to semi-sweet or milk chocolate chips for baking. So this is one area of research that I look forward to learning more about. Researchers: keep studying chocolate, I say. I feel so much better about pinching off another piece of that dark chocolate bar.

Sources: British Medical Journal, Mayo Clinic

Tracey Singh, RD, LD, CDE is a nutritionist with special interest in nutrition and fertility. She works at the Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine (ACRM). To make an appointment at ACRM, call (404) 585-3641.

Britt Berg is a writer, blogger, and content manager for Attain Fertility. She is also a trained therapist and co-author of Making a Baby, a book about infertility.

It was really great to meet other infertility awareness advocates, including RESOLVE staff and volunteers and some of the staff members at the Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine like Tonya Collins, pictured here with me.

I really loved the informational signs that RESOLVE placed strategically throughout the park.

If you are familiar with Atlanta, you may know that Grant Park, where the walk was held, is an urban park that borders Zoo Atlanta. It is my hope that many individuals visiting the zoo and the park that day were better informed about infertility, thanks to these signs.

RESOLVE also had their own Wall of Hope, where participants could write messages of hope and offer infertility support to others. Seeing all of us come together to raise money and infertility awareness makes me realize how important it is that we all speak up, raise our voices and share our stories. It is only by increasing infertility awareness and getting our stories out there that we can change others’ perspectives so that infertility advocates become a majority. If we stay silent, how can progress be made?

I plan to attend the Walk of Hope again next year and will be joining Stephanie and Team Attain Fertility at Advocacy Day 2013. How do you feel about advocating for infertility? If you blog about your infertility journey, please let us know. We’d love to share your stories.

Britt Berg is a writer, blogger, and content manager for Attain Fertility. She is also a trained therapist and co-author of Making a Baby, a book about infertility.