When you want true love or to grow your business, there are some things you have to do to get there that may seem temporarily undesirable. I constantly hear from single clients that they just want to meet “him.” They don’t like dating and feel like they have done enough inner work. You may want the results but often what is stopping you is the resistance to the discomfort that you face to get the man, the money or the body of your dreams.

The subconscious mind is always looking for the easy, familiar route and being challenged is something that it will resist. For years I used to walk as my exercise. Walking was easy and beautiful on the flat bike paths in Colorado. I liked how it helped relieve my stress and I got to chat it up with a friend. I walked a lot but my body still looked the same. Then, I hired a personal trainer to kick my butt.  I had to get up at 5 am every day, but I actually had a body I was proud to show off on a nude beach. (That’s another story!)

Lazy dating happens when you have tried a few things that didn’t work and you just want to push a button to make your single life go away. You decide that you will wait for divine timing or maybe you will just listen to guided meditations and then magically your life will change when the man on the white horse arrives on your doorstep.

Laziness happens in personal development, too, when you try a few online courses or workshops and avoid the really intense work. You want to skip over the processes that make you really face your fears because you think you have “worked on that” already. I used to dance around the obvious issues and get some quick energy clearings where I could lay back and let the lady with the patchouli do her magic. Just like my walking non-exercise, it felt good and easy but I was still stuck.

When I faced the resistance straight on, I wanted to run. I knew what I had to do but I was so afraid. My mind tried to justify why I shouldn’t and how it may turn out bad. In that moment, my desire to break free was stronger than the temporary discomfort and even embarrassment I had to face. I ignored the urge to stay put and called my Dad for a deep talk which turned out to be the most life-transforming conversation.

As I was building my business in the beginning, I was always looking for the silver bullet to make it successful. What really helped my business grow was to do some things that were very uncomfortable like going on television, networking, public speaking, studying and even working long hours to get the job done. Every time I moved beyond what I was afraid of, my business grew.

Most people don’t even realize that they are being lazy. Externally, they feel like they are working a lot, investing in programs, reading books, and even marathon dating. They are really busy and trying really hard to get results. What holds them back is they are working on the wrong things, spinning their wheels and skipping over some places that make them cringe a bit. They have movement without momentum.

To break free and get the love, money, body and success you want, you have to look at where you are stopping yourself from crossing over the fear-barrier. To make an immediate change, think about the activities or processes that you have been avoiding and face them head on. Once you break the cycle of laziness in one area, you have the strength and perseverance to shift your entire life. You realize that the things you feared as so uncomfortable were actually no big deal and you become unstoppable for amazing love, great wealth and an extraordinary life.

You already know that your thoughts and emotions create your life. You know you can change something inside to make a difference in the results you have been getting in dating. Most of what stops you is deep within your subconscious mind. The problem is that you cannot see the subconscious mind directly; you can only get a glimpse of it by witnessing your experience.

Besides using meditative tools to shift the inner mind, another way to change your belief structure is to take aligned action toward your love. What you do is a result of what you are thinking and feeling. Your actions speak loudly to the subconscious mind of what your priorities are and what you expect.

If you avoid dating, turn away from an opportunity to better yourself, or go back to that really hot ex-boyfriend for a romp, you are not acting in alignment with what you want. You are reinforcing to your subconscious that things aren’t going to change and that you are going to remain single. You are revealing your subconscious deep belief that you don’t expect love to happen.

You can put up fancy vision boards and listen to meditations all day long, but if your actions do not mirror your desire for true love, you will continue to confuse the subconscious as to what you really want and believe is possible.  You know you hate it when guys tell you one thing and then do another, so why do that to yourself?

When you take action toward love, you must also believe in receiving love (not dragging yourself to a dating event and saying to yourself, “this is going to be a waste of time.”) This misaligned action also confuses the subconscious mind. Every dating event becomes a waste of time and you get mad at the events when it is the belief within your own mind that is creating the lack of results.

The mind likes to exaggerate and make assumptions based on the past. So if you are avoiding an activity, it means that you have some past experience that didn’t work out and you assume that every future activity will be the same. This is far from true. Does every single event have the same exact people every time? No. Does Match.com freeze memberships so no new possibilities will be shown to you? No.

Some may argue that they are so hopeful going to an event and then feel crushed afterward because they didn’t meet anyone. They claim they had faith and good expectations and then were disappointed. The wrong-thinking is that THIS event was the one chance for love and going with an expectation that high will clearly confuse the subconscious because your ideal guy or gal isn’t going to be everywhere you go. Many times they are just lying to themselves because they really don’t believe on a deep level that they can have true love and you get what you believe.

If you continue to take action toward what you want, the subconscious will deliver what you expect to receive. They key is to let go of how love shows up for you.  Let go of the tension of trying to making it happen and focus on what you can control which are your actions. Sometimes taking a bold action can completely transform a subconscious belief and deliver your true love faster than any other method. Getting out of your comfort zone is a sure way to break old mental habits.

Think about the actions you have taken toward love in the past week. Then, write down next to it why did I do this? What do I really believe that led me to taking that action? Remember not taking action is also doing something. What opportunities did you walk away from because of fear?

Actions are not only about going online or attending an event, but also taking actions of self-care, doing personal improvement workshops, meditating, reading an advice book or hiring a coach. These are all actions to love that may be required for you in order for you to reach him or her. Don’t just skip over the necessary steps and look for quick jump to the end prize, but look for all the roads along the way that prepare and lead you to great love.

They key is to keep moving and not give up. Powerful actions get real results. Take one step at a time with great faith and true love will be yours.

The real cause of heartache for singles whether they are just trying to get a date or starting a new relationship is worry.  Am I ever going to meet him or her? Is someone out there for me? How is it going to happen? Is he going to call? Why isn’t he calling? Is she moving away and losing interest? Is he cheating?

Your thoughts are the foundation of your life. What you think is directly related to the results in your life. The problem with worry is that it takes your mind off the goal you want and focuses on what you don’t want to create.  One of my teachers put it wisely, “Worry is faith in failure.” So every time you go down that doubtful road, you believe in the worst case scenario rather than having faith of achieving your true desire.

Have you ever noticed that things seemed to be going smoothly with someone new until you start to worry?  Maybe you start to worry after your first intimate experience or the first time he skips a daily text or phone call. You feel powerless to him and start placing him up on a pedestal, waiting for him to make his move. You have lost your “mojo” and can’t seem to get it back.

You may worry that you can’t seem to find a connection to get an initial date. You stress every time you login to your online dating account worried that no one will be there. If you don’t get quality responses, you start to worry that you ever will. You may feel like no one is noticing you in social situations and worry that you are not attractive enough, good enough or healed enough for love.

Some may worry if they will get a breakthrough in their dating life. When they take a personal development course or work with a coach, they constantly worry if they are “doing it right” and if all their blocks are gone. One day of negative thinking sends them down a spiral of doubt, wondering if they will ever change their confidence and attitude about love.

Worry is a waste of your thoughts and actually attracts more of what you fear – loneliness, financial trouble, health problems and more. Test yourself. Take a moment and think about something you are worried about. Close your eyes and feel the energy in your body. Notice where your body is tight and how restricted the flow of energy becomes.  What do you think you attract with that kind of energy?

Next, open your eyes and clear to go back to neutral. Then close your eyes again and imagine your best case scenario, that your goal is reached (whether love or money). Notice the difference in your energy. How does your body feel when focused on success? Doesn’t it make sense to be in that state of mind v. the tense one?

If you are a worrier, it isn’t your fault. The level of concern you have in life was programmed in you when you were very young by the people around you. Think about your early years and ask yourself who taught you how to worry? You were trained to cope with life through them but you aren’t destined to continue the pattern forever if you want to be free of it. You have a choice to alter your worry habit.

You may argue that you have plenty of evidence stacked up against you from past romantic failures to support your worry fears. I know it is hard to imagine success in love when you never had real love. But, just because you never had it doesn’t mean your future has to be the same as your past. Each moment gives you a fresh start so freedom is always just a thought away.

Changing a pattern of being like constant worry takes practice and doesn’t happen overnight or with a quick clearing technique. The shift typically requires about 30-90 days of mind training to get into new thought-behavior. Visualizing yourself as a success in love and feeling hopeful energy is something you should do every single day. Then, have a reminder to stay worry-free in the time outside of meditation such as having a mantra you say to yourself to stay on track. If you catch yourself spiraling down in doubt, instantly redirect your mind with a statement such as “I believe in love for me.”

You don’t have to be 100% positive, just 51% – a little more hopeful than all that worry. The happier and more trusting you are, the faster true love will arrive in your life. Do you have faith in failure or success? If you look backwards you will worry. Facing forward, you can open the door to all possibilities. The door is waiting for you that lead you to the thoughts that create your dreams.

It is that time of year. Depending upon your social status or quality of current relationship, Valentine’s Day can either be a heaven or a hell. Being single into my forties, I can tell you that most of my V-Days have been on the disappointing end. Each of my single years I would be exposed to all the happy engaged or newly married women in the office bragging about their dinner plans among the gigantic bouquet of flowers on their desk with the heart-shaped “I Love You” balloons. I tried to be positive, but every cupid image I saw felt like someone was stabbing a dagger in my lonely heart.

Even on the rare occasion when I did have pseudo-boyfriend on the day, I was disillusioned with the level of effort they put into the celebration. The restaurant was too cheap, the flowers were carnations instead of roses or they totally avoided calling or setting up a date because they didn’t want me to think we were serious. I just can’t remember one Valentine’s Day that was actually great after I turned ten.

When I finally met Roberto, I thought my V-Day attitude would change. Now it was my turn to get the flowers, the candy and the fancy dinner. However, our first Valentine’s Day together didn’t feel any more special than any other day. He always showered me with love and affection, so V-Day just didn’t seem to be such a big deal anymore. Every day with Roberto was filled with love; we didn’t need a holiday to make a special statement. It felt almost weird to celebrate like we were stating the obvious.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean anything at all except for the meaning we give it. The people who get the strongest reaction around it, good or bad, are really just looking for reassurance that they are loved through a made-up holiday. If you are single, you want a Valentine so can feel lovable. You celebrate when you have a date (even if it is a dork that you settled for just to get out for the evening) or you get down on yourself if you spend the night alone.

The same goes for couples who need a big hoopla or gift so their partner can prove their love.  If he doesn’t follow through, it could be the cause of distress in the relationship. Single or Coupled, Valentine’s seems to cause more problems than cheery happy hearts.

Don’t use this holiday as a way to gauge your personal worth or the commitment of your partner. It is just another day. You deserve someone who will treat you special every single day, not just once a year. Remember, there is nothing like a spontaneous love gift from your true partner compared to obligatory offering made on V-Day that is often forced and pre-packaged.

So for this Valentine’s Day, remember these three magical words, “No Big Deal.” Being alone on this day doesn’t mean you will be lonely forever. It just means that the one isn’t here yet and that this is one less day you will have to go through without them. If you keep your chin up and focus on success in love, you will experience great love to celebrate every day of the year.

You may know you have blocks to love and you have accepted responsibility for the results in your love life. Unfortunately, the way most people try to overcome these blocks is by looking for them. There are some easy blocks to release such as thoughts about love, relationships and the opposite sex, but the real deep block that will transform your life is something you can’t look for, you have to let it find you.

At first you may have been empowered to clear out the resistance so you can start manifesting your mate. You may have tried every healing technique available to rid yourself of these internal obstacles so you can magnetize your partner.  After a few months (or years), the self-help honeymoon eventually ends and you get stuck in the process, feeling more hopeless than ever because you are going about it the long way.

There is nothing wrong with working on uncovering your own resistance but some people actually use that discovery phase to hide out in workshops, bury themselves in books and meditations, and wait for something to change. The process of self-reflection actually turns into a cocoon that keeps you away from your true desire in a sort of comfort zone.

The reason you cannot release yourself from your patterns by looking for them is because your subconscious will hide them from you. The deeper mind doesn’t want you to change so it leads you down some pretty twisted paths that bring you back where you started. Then, you feel like you just wasted a ton of time and money with nothing to show for it. You can’t return back to ignorance because you know too much but you can’t seem to find your way forward.

Another drawback from looking and focusing on blocks is that you get more of what you focus on. If you continue to look at yourself as broken and needing to be fixed, you will be digging into a bottomless well of disillusionment. What you give your attention to will only get stronger, so stop focusing on what is wrong and turn the spotlight back on love and your true, amazing self.

Begin today by focusing on being your ideal self and finding your true partner. Hold the focus on that result and start taking powerful action toward that goal. Do you know what will show up for you? Everything that is stopping you will naturally appear and you will see your blocks in full force.

Notice the things you avoid taking action on (like dating or socializing), the emotions that get triggered, the fears that show up, and most of all that nasty inner voice that says you don’t deserve it, there aren’t enough available men, I am too old, etc.  Pay attention to how you act when you meet a nice guy as opposed to a charming womanizer and take note of where your subconscious is being drawn.

Next, just knowing your blocks doesn’t change your results. You actually have to move through them and break the seal of your past patterns. It will feel uncomfortable and you will be tempted to retreat. But, once you get through the frights, it will be easier than you thought. The subconscious automatically shifts when it is exposed to a new experience such as shifting relationship with one of your parents or facing your biggest fear.

Lastly, you won’t know the big master block that is your key to true love until after you have passed through it. All the people I worked with over the past ten years were all surprised at what was the key for them.  You have to keep moving and releasing resistance until the trigger straw is lifted.

The good part about experiencing setbacks and obstacles is that it means that you are on the right track. If you had total peace and calm along your journey to love, the reward you receive in a partner will be just as lukewarm. You aren’t like everyone else who settles. You are looking for someone extraordinary. Be brave and move forward. Embrace the challenges along the way as the blocks are actually your stepping stones to a greater love, a greater life and a greater you.

Have you ever received a phone call from a good friend announcing her engagement and felt bitter? You know you should be happy for her, but are perplexed of that fact that your friend with so much emotional baggage was able to get a man. You, on the other hand, have thrown yourself into personal development with workshops, books, energy clearings and more but still struggle with your love life. You may start to doubt the whole idea of the law of attraction and wonder if all this work is a futile attempt to distract you from the fact that you are destined to be single forever.

In order to fully understand the truth behind this situation, you have to remember that all relationships are not created equal. There is a difference between true love and dysfunctional relationships. It is very easy to attract a dysfunctional relationship, the lowest hanging fruit. Those who have not done any inner work will tend to gravitate toward anyone who comes along where they feel a little chemistry. That is why your drama-queen friends always have a man. There is plenty of dysfunction to go around and most people settle for mediocre.

Look at your friends and family. How many of them have the ideal relationship you desire?  If you review your romantic history, don’t you feel that most of your past lovers were less than wonderful? Even the ones you felt heartbroken over, you probably look back now and wonder what the heck you saw in that person. You know you can have a relationship, but you don’t just want to settle. You want an extraordinary true love.

The average person settles for mediocre. They don’t learn about life or try to improve themselves. They look for the easy way, the quick fix, and the path of least resistance. Inside of everyone is a yearning for more, but it is often pushed down with blaming others, the economy, their industry and their partners for their lack of satisfaction. They are the same people who think you are the one who is crazy for doing all that self-help, touchy –feely stuff. They never want to get into deep conversations and stick to small talk and gossip.

Because you are reading this I know you are not average…far from it. Instead of suppressing that inner yearning for more, you embrace it. You decide that you are the one who can make a difference and design a life that is more fulfilling. You may tend to be hard on yourself because you want the best in your life. Don’t let this inner drive tear you down and make your wrong for not having what everyone else appears to have.

If you look closely, what most people have is not what you want. Just finding a partner or having wealth doesn’t translate into happiness. Settling for mediocre only reinforces to the person that this is all they deserve. At some level they do know they are settling but won’t admit it or are in deep denial. Don’t make comparisons to others because external appearances can be deceitful.

You have been led to personal development because you are unique. Only a small percentage of people take advantage of the opportunity to expand their consciousness during their precious human life. Instead of feeling like there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed, start to believe there is something RIGHT with you because your true self is trying to break free of the status quo.

As you read these words, you can feel that stirring inside of you that says, “YES, I deserve more.” You are not typical; you are at outlier with an extraordinary mission. You haven’t settled for mediocre, so you will attract an extraordinary love. Instead of seeing yourself as bird with a broken wing, start to really believe in your magnificence. You will then easily draw into your life a person who resonates with wonderful you. And…your friends may finally think there is something to all that self-help stuff after all.

Singles searching for the love of their life are often looking in the wrong place. They fail to see opportunities right in front of them because they are focused on the wedding day vs. the journey that it takes to arrive at the altar. When you focus only on the end result in a limited manner, you end up ignoring the signs and assistance the universe has given you to reach your goal.

There is a great joke about a man who was sailing in the middle of an ocean and his ship sunk. He was floating in the deep water with no land in sight and prayed to God to save him. Another boat came by and offered their help but the man declined, insisting that God was going to save him. A rescue helicopter floated over him dropping a line to draw him up from the dangerous seas, but he again refused saying that he has great faith that God was going to save him. After floating on the ocean for a while, he suddenly grew tired and eventually drowned. When he went to heaven, he said to God, “Hey, I prayed for you to help me, why didn’t you? God replied, “What? I sent you a boat; I sent you a helicopter…”

When you want something like love, success or wealth, the mind tends to jump to look for the end result, forgetting that how things come to you are through people and circumstances. Your ideal partner isn’t just going to materialize in front of you; there is a path in the physical world that must be taken for you to meet each other. You have to date, move out of your comfort zone and take risks.

The exact path to love will never be known to you until you actually find love and look back to connect the dots. All you can do is hold the clear idea of what you want with a firm expectation that you can receive it. Then, look for opportunities that will lead you to your goal instead of just looking for the goal.

Imagine that you are on “single island” and off in the distance you see the island of true love. You want to get to that island but just focusing on the island isn’t going to carry you there. You need a boat to take you over. Think about all the opportunities as a marina of boats waiting to take you to your true love island. The problem is that most people ignore the boats and just want to leap to the island, then complain that they can’t find love while the boats are all sitting right there!

The reason that it is so difficult to see the opportunities is because they are often come in the form of things that are unpleasant. For example, online dating may not appeal to you but it may be the path you need to take advantage of in order to meet your guy. Going to the gym isn’t much fun, but you do it because you know that your efforts will pay off in a healthier body.

Another opportunity that people overlook is self-care. If you have anxiety or tension about finding amazing love, do you think God/Universe will send him (or her) to you in that state where you will make unhealthy decisions? No, the opportunity will come to first heal the anxiety so that you can receive wonderful, amazing love that lasts. Is it fun facing your fears? Of course not, but it may be exactly what you need to get the love you deserve. So often people mistakenly believe that the fears will go away when the man appears, but relationships only intensify any unhealed places in you.

Your conditioned mind is programmed to reject any opportunity that will work for you because it doesn’t want you to change. You may be drawn to things seem like quick-fixes because you want to avoid the temporary discomfort of dealing with your deepest fears. The subconscious loves these quick tricks because it gives you the impression that you are doing something while it is secretly sidetracking you from your goals. The real opportunities are the ones you feel most resistant to and they never appear like an obvious, straight line to love.

Every time an opportunity appears, you always have the choice to take advantage of it or dismiss it. They come in the form of books, teachers, friendships, classes, break-ups, lay-offs, dating sites, social events, and even flat-tires. Yes, my grandmother met my grandfather when her car had a flat tire and he came to the rescue. Imagine that!

Forget about how it will happen, and open the doors to the possibilities that are flooding your life right now. If you have a desire for something, the means to fulfill it is already here. Your marina is filled with boats to carry you to the love of your life, but you have to be brave enough to face them. Be open to even the most illogical vessels and you will quickly set sail on your journey to true love.

 He seemed cute enough at first. You had a pretty good first date and you started to think that this could possibly be the one. Imagining that your single days are over, you get excited that he texted you right after the date to ask you out again. This is the point where your imagination starts to blur reality and you build up the guy to be the man of your dreams. You tell your friends and feel a sudden burst of excitement of the possibility that the search is over.

 After the second date, you are slightly let down. When he picks you up, you realize he wasn’t as cute as you remembered and a little dorkier. The date is still average but, with no other prospects in sight, you keep hoping that your feelings will change and that maybe the third date will be the charm. You really want love so you decide to continue the romance to see if some spark will start to emerge.

Unfortunately, by the time the third date comes around, you notice many annoying things about him. From the shoes he wears, the car he drives to the type of restaurant he takes you to, the turn-offs are starting to pile high. You don’t really feel a strong connection at all. He’s a nice guy but he has started to call way too much and seems so eager to see you all the time that you are feeling a little claustrophobic. Sadly, staying home alone on Saturday night has more appeal than spending another evening with him.

The rollercoaster of emotions continue because now you have to tell him you aren’t interested in seeing him anymore. To let him go would be easy enough except for the incredible amount of guilt you feel around rejecting him. You feel like you gave him mixed signals in the beginning and think that he will be caught totally off guard. He is such a nice guy and treated you so well compared to your ex, so why can’t you just like him?

 You wonder how you got from feeling so good and excited to crashing down as your attraction fizzled away. During these times you realize why you hate dating so much in the first place.  Before you give up on the dating process, use these important strategies to avoid the rollercoaster and dragging your dating victims anyone along with you.

• Keep the first date in prospective. If you have a habit of jumping in with both feet and jumping out just as fast, you may just be more in love with the idea of being in love rather than the person who is sitting across from you. Learn to be present with the person instead of having your head in the clouds dreaming of the royal wedding. The best relationships start with two feet flat on the ground.

• Maintain Emotional Balance. If you feel like your dates are stirring up a variety of emotions within you, then you are dealing with other issues outside of the regular dating ritual. Find a way to connect with and heal any uncomfortable emotions or extraordinary highs that are based on your own fantasies. If you start off a relationship with a rollercoaster of emotions, you will burn the romance out really fast and then get bored because you are addicted to the drama.

• Practice Compassionate Rejection. If you feel intense guilt for rejecting someone that makes you lose sleep or puts you in an emotional downslide, you probably also have intense reactions when someone rejects you. As you become aware that you aren’t rejecting him because you are mean or want to hurt him, but that there is simply not a connection, you can have compassion for yourself and the person you date when you are the one getting the bump.

 Lastly, love the dating process. If you hate to date, you will not have very good results. You will have a poor attitude and everyone you meet will feel it. The men/women you interact with will sense that you are just looking to seal the deal and feel like a pair of shoes on a discount rank. Enjoy meeting new people and learning about them. Even if there is no attraction, you can find something interesting about anyone. Use dating as a practice for being detached from results, staying in your power, keeping your boundaries and expressing your best self. As you love the process, the process will love you back.

A good friend of mine years ago told me about her tradition to give each new year her personal theme.  She would say last year was my year of having new adventures and this year is going to be about finding my true work. I found this process inspiring and I thought everyone should do this. As the new year is approaching, I invite you to decide what theme you would like to make for 2012 so that you can create the year that you want to live into.

So, how do you create the theme that fits 2012 for you? Here are some ideas:

1.  Journal about what have you avoided or put off this year. This can be a year of facing that.

•  For example, if you have been putting off starting your own business, you may want to make this year of living your dream.

•  If you have been working too hard, maybe this could be your year of balance.

• If you have been playing it safe with love, this could be your year of breaking out of your comfort zone.

2. Journal about how you have been feeling and choose how you want to feel about 2012. For example, if you went through a bad breakup. This could be your year of healing and new love.

3. Journal about your relationship with money. Maybe you had a tough 2011 financially; this could be your year of living abundantly.

The benefit of this exercise is to give you more focus. A simple reminder that you can post on your computer or in your bathroom – 2012 is the year of _______. Everything you do, think and feel should support that idea and you will see amazing things change in your life as you shift how you are being.

This process isn’t an affirmation, but more of a commitment to your highest self. To make this really effective, don’t just say this is my year to find love but identify how you should be in order to attract that love. For example, this is my year of loving and honoring me or my year of acknowledging my greatness or my year of not settling…you get the idea.

Of course, whenever you set an intention like this, you will get things and people to show up to test you. Don’t let them sway you or drag you down. Keep affirming who you are and what you want to move beyond the speed bumps that may occur along the way. Also, be certain only to share your theme with people who love and support you…avoid the dream-stealers who will just tear your theme apart. People who criticize are very insecure, you don’t need their approval. They cannot see your greatness because they cannot see it in themselves yet.

For me, I decided that 2012 is my year of being brave. I am about to do some pretty intimidating things to grow my business.  I intend to face 2012 with bravery and stretch myself beyond my current limits. This year is going to be a fun ride!

So, take some time and create the space to discover what your year is going to be for you. Make the word or phrase generate an emotion in you to give it more energy. Remember that you are limitless, so be empowered to make 2012 the way you design.

If you feel like it, share below your theme in this safe place so we can all cheer you on to your greatest self.

What is wrong with men these days? This is a frequent complaint I hear from my customers and clients. No matter how positive they try to be, they still seem to meet men who just don’t want a commitment. The ones who want to get married are boring and the ones who don’t are so sexy, but flaky when it comes to settling down to a long-term relationship.

If you are always meeting non-committal men (or women), the problem isn’t with the selection out there but within your own mind. It is easy to blame singles in your age group, the quality of singles who date online or that the type of partner you seek is really not out there. Passing the responsibility on to external circumstances is the way your subconscious mind tries to lead you away from the truth of what is really going on. If you find the truth, you will change your results.

The law of cause and effect states that every effect is driven by a cause. First, you need to look at your results. For example, always attracting non-committal people is the effect. Then, you have to understand what is causing the effect you are experiencing. When you look outside of yourself for the cause, you don’t have any power to change it. When you look within for the source (cause), you can be empowered to shift your experience to attract the love you desire.

Now, don’t get too hard on yourself because you are not consciously creating this experience. If you knew what you were doing (or feeling/thinking) to cause it, I am sure you would change it immediately unless you really don’t want to have love in your life. In my experience, here are the top reasons why you may be attracting non-committal partners.

1. You are not committed to having a partner and unaware of it. Most likely, there is a stronger unconscious desire inside of you to stay single. Solution: Ask yourself what benefits you receive from staying in the status quo and if you are willing to give them up in order to be in a committed relationship.
2. You want a quick fix for love. Those fly-by-night men actually feed that need for fast love. They say all the right things and create an “instant” relationship. However, they often end as fast as they begin. Solution: Heal the urgency for love and you will stop attracting the ones who mesmerize you into one-night stands.
3. You are afraid of getting emotionally intimate with a partner. Non-committal people never want to get close so you don’t have to deal with emotional intimacy! Sexual intimacy is easy if this is you, but the emotional part is scary. Solution: Heal the past which has caused you to be afraid of opening up deeply to a partner. If you already worked on this, you need to dig a little deeper to get to the root of the fear. Very Important! If you are afraid of getting too intimate, you will also be afraid to do the deep work required to heal this issue.

There are three steps to changing your results. First, notice the pattern you are experiencing in your relationships. Second, as you recognize the pattern, you must accept that you are the cause of the pattern. By accepting responsibility, you are armed with the power to change and stop wasting time blaming others or waiting and hoping for outside conditions to change. Lastly, face the things you have been avoiding including healing past relationships, working with uncomfortable emotions and getting outside of your comfort zone.

So, thank your latest unavailable man for holding up a powerful mirror for your inner healing. Have compassion for them because they also have the same issues with love (that’s why you keep attracting each other). If you take these three steps, you will discover that love is waiting for you as you open your heart and mind to the ones who truly want to be with you. If you remove the barriers within your own mind, you can effortlessly find the love you truly deserve.