Avery Edison's Internet Diary

Official decrees from the new King (formerly known as That Guy With The One Eye).

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:51:06 -0500

- Sharp, pointy objects are now prohibited.
- Factories that formerly produced canes for the people will now make goggles for the King.
- The people are to stop making jokes about certain night-time activities the King should “stop doing, lest he go blind”.
- If the King says there is a bug on someone’s food, they should not check whether or not he is lying, instead they should simply hand him the food and ask no more questions.
- Seeing-eye dogs will be re-trained as protect-the-King’s-eye dogs.
- ALL women are banned from wearing clothes.
- All men MUST WEAR CLOTHES.
- No more “fun and games”.

Management has asked me to pass on a message for the owner of the Yellow Humvee Parked outside.

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 14:03:49 -0500

You’ve forgotten that, although Western society prizes self-actualization via. over-consumption, and despite the fact that individual action means nothing in the grand scheme, you still have a responsibility to leave the world a better place than you found it, and your current use of a vehicle so large as to be ridiculous is more akin to the actions of a pillaging Viking than those of a responsible citizen on planet Earth.

Also, you left your lights on.

Written months ago, still somewhat relevant.

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 13:54:30 -0500

I did a pretty awful thing,
And it didn’t take much work,
‘Cause if you know me well at all,
You know that I’m a stupid jerk,
I’m a really shitty person,
And I kinda live to hurt,
But I think you’ll marry me because I’ve got good boobs.

Lost in translation.

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 13:36:52 -0500

- You know, in Britain we call flashlights “torches”.

- Then what do you call torches?

- Flaming torches.

- But what do you call gay pieces of wood that are held aloft and on fire.

- Is there much call for that?

- Clearly you’ve never been to a good riot.

Aaaand here is a much shorter script for an audio sketch...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:56:26 -0500

Aaaand here is a much shorter script for an audio sketch entitled “The Driving Instructor”.

- Say, these working conditions are terrible. - Tell me about...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:45:00 -0500

- Say, these working conditions are terrible.

- Tell me about it. I only wish we could unionize.

- Sounds like a great idea! Why don’t we?

- Because unionization as a concept will only come into existence in the 20th century.

- So, due to an unfortunate circumstance of time, our lives are terrible.

—————————————————————

YOU SEE KIDS!? PHYSICS AND HISTORY ARE FUN.

Oh, hey! Another of my scripts! This one’s for a short...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:02:35 -0500

Oh, hey! Another of my scripts! This one’s for a short sketch about the occupy movement and superheroes. Click the image, or here to read it.

Happiness is spending your Saturday working on websites and...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 17:31:43 -0500

Happiness is spending your Saturday working on websites and catching up with old favorites.

If you’re one of my North American friends, you probably don’t know of Bottom. It’s stupid British comedy at its best. All on YouTube.

"It wasn’t that the club was sparsely attended; it was an average crowd, more than 60 percent full...."

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:44:25 -0500

“It wasn’t that the club was sparsely attended; it was an average crowd, more than 60 percent full. But as genial MC Simon Rakoff found out early on, it was populated by a group of female teachers. Oh, and there were some young, polite bank clerks in the audience too. Not exactly the party-hearty Friday/Saturday crowd.”

- From a NOW magazine review of this weekend’s Darcy Michael show at Yuk-Yuks. You see, guys, it wasn’t just that there were teachers in the audience, but they were female teachers. Can you even imagine?

This is such bullshit. Women like to laugh as much as men do. I know this because I am a woman, and a good number of my friends are women, and also I’ve met women over the course of my life. The very idea that a crowd’s gender would denote an increased difficulty in getting a good response is such crap.

I wrote a ten-minute play for school. I think you’ll enjoy...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:25:53 -0500

I wrote a ten-minute play for school. I think you’ll enjoy reading it. Click the image for more.

Gratuitous Picture of Yourself Wednesday - “They Left Me...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:34:28 -0500

Gratuitous Picture of Yourself Wednesday - “They Left Me Alone In The Dance Classroom” Edition.

I’m super graceful, you guys.

Online brand.

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 16:34:00 -0500

Judas: Jesus, you need to stop redesigning your website.
Jesus: But I really feel like *this time* will be the *last* time. I just have to change one more thing...
Judas: This isn't healthy. And anyway, I thought you said the whole concept of you having a website was redundant since you "are everywhere, in every bit and byte, every message board and Skype session, yea, even the sexy ones".
Jesus: *Especially* the sexy ones, Judas. I'm super in those. But I need to establish a more *obvious* online presence.
Judas: And the way to do that is with a website that displays an animated .gif of you high-five-ing a dead guy until he comes back to life?
Jesus: Remind me to put in a disclaimer saying that I didn't know he would come back to life. I just wanted a cool Facebook profile pic.
Judas: I assume that that's why the .gif ends with you terrified and trying to kick Lazarus *back to death*?
Jesus: Yeah, I need you to show me how to edit that part out, and replace it with the words "Jesus loves you. But please stop asking Jesus to bring your friends back to life."

If you like me or you’re like me, you’ll like the...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:39:15 -0500

If you like me or you’re like me, you’ll like the things I like, like this video of Mark Forward, who is my favorite comedian right now. This is his first appearance on American television.

The logical conclusion to my series of tweets about the...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:07:00 -0500

The logical conclusion to my series of tweets about the Human/Dancer troubles.

Click the image to embiggen. See if you can spot all the references.

Found this list on a torn piece of paper outside my building. It seems way too specific.

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:04:29 -0500

Things I don’t like:

Dogs.
Winter.
Peanut butter.
Policies that discriminate against people who make one single mistake.
Law school.
Research.
Essay writing services whose confidentiality policies aren’t nearly as great as they pretend.
Getting kicked out of law school.
Moving back in with mom and dad.
Bagging groceries.
Cats.

Black Romeo and Black Juliet.

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:13:49 -0500

“The traffic today in fair Verona was terrible. And nothing else important happened. Stay tuned for The O’Reilly Factor.”

Working on my screenplay.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:15:36 -0500

Working on my screenplay.

"When are you gonna mention me on the internet?"

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 16:01:33 -0500

- Someone I like very much, in her sleep.

Sometimes you think you’re the furthest away from yourself...

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:24:27 -0500

Sometimes you think you’re the furthest away from yourself you’ve ever been, and then you realize that you’re just a different you than you expected.

And then you type silly pseudo-profound things on your Tumblr because it’s Sunday and who gives a crap.

Two guys come up with a scoring system for their new game.

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 10:26:42 -0500

- Okay, so when you score a point, that’s one point, right?

- Nah. It should be, like, 15 points.

- Yeah, make it more exciting. Like, right away - boom! 15 points! Deal with that, opponent.

- Okay, so… every time you score a point, you actually get 15?

- Correct. Well, for the first couple points. But then once you’re up to 30, the next time you score you only get 10 more.

- Wh- which brings you up to 40 points..?

- Uh-huh.

- This isn’t making much sense to me.

- Well, most games are so boring. We gotta liven things up. Shake the system around. Dare to do the unexpected.

- So the scoring -if I’m getting this right- goes zero, 15, 30, 40.

- Mmmmmaybe instead of “zero”… No, you’re gonna think this is stupid.

- I’m sure it can’t be more imbecilic than anything else you’ve suggested.

- Well, how about “love”?

- …I was wrong.