Dancing Avitable from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

What do you think? Should I shoot a new dance video? If yes, any suggestions for the song?

This got me thinking. Should Twitter be focused on mutual masturbation? Should you follow every person who follows you? Should you be insulted by someone who doesn't follow you back?

I say no. I think that you should have a different perspective when using Twitter, and here's why:

1. It may be accidental. I can think of three times in the last week where I discovered that I wasn't actually following someone who I assumed I was. It may have been because Twitter glitched when I originally tried to follow them. It may have been because I go through occasionally and unfollow people who haven't tweeted in more than 60 days, using Untweeps. Maybe I just meant to follow them back but forgot, due to real life getting in the way.
2. Twitter is not a mutual admiration society. The goal of Twitter is to create a stream of conversation that is interesting to you. You should choose who has something interesting to say based on their content, not based on who they are. And different people use Twitter for different reasons. Some may use it for networking or marketing. Some may use it to keep track of a limited group of friends. Others might only want to follow celebrities.
3. Twitter is one form of communication out of many. Chances are that if you follow someone on Twitter, you may also have communicated with them by email or read their blog or may be their friend on Facebook. If you have multiple avenues to communicate with someone, learn about their lives, and share elements of your own life with them, why do you need Twitter to do so? That's like being upset if you send someone a letter and instead of writing you back, they call you and then come hang out at your house.
4. Maybe you're boring or annoying. If someone isn't following you on Twitter, rather than blame them, maybe you should view this as inspiration to be more interesting. Maybe if your tweets consist of blog posts, blip.fm songs, TV recaps, and complaints about your cat, people don't follow you because you're just cluttering up their stream. Can you really blame them? Try being clever. Try tweeting something interesting. And if you don't want to, that's cool. Just don't have the audacity to complain if someone doesn't follow you!
5. Unfollowing isn't excommunication and it's not a punishment. Unfollowing takes a second. It can be reversed just as quickly. And chances are if you are so perturbed by someone not following you that you unfollow them in retaliation, they won't even notice. Or care. So how did you just benefit? It's likely you originally followed that person because you liked what they had to say, and now you're not getting that information anymore.

Instead of viewing Twitter as a way to boost your ego with followers, try seeing it as a way to get your message across, whatever that message may be. If your goal is to be interesting and attract followers based on content, good for you. If you just want to share the mundanities of your life, that's good, too. Just don't take it personally if people don't find you interesting or if people choose not to read what you have to say.

Updated: This is not a venue to attack my friend – she was legitimately hurt. I am just addressing why I think if you take a different perspective, you can avoid these types of hurt feelings in the future.

Or, if you want more followers another way, just buy my Twitter shirt from Zazzle!

Show Me Your Tweets by avitable
See other Avitable T-Shirts

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Like yin and yang, there would be no perfect happiness without perfect unhappiness. I think I'd rather just have normal happiness instead.

What is your greatest fear?
Being forgotten.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My selfishness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Insincerity.

On what occasion do you lie?
I lie for the development of my persona. I lie when I'm trapped. I lie when I'm scared not to.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My life is kind of an extravagance in and of itself.

What is your current state of mind?
Constantly working, never resting, always thinking of one thing while doing another.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Vulnerability

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Wicked sense of humor. (same answer as Finn)

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I tend to justify my actions by saying "I'm just saying" a lot.

When and where were you happiest?
When I was inside a bubble for an hour.

Who are your favorite writers?
Stephen King, Lee Child, John Sandford, Dean Koontz, classic Anne Rice, Robert B. Parker, Dennis LeHane

Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I was musically inclined.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That they weren't Republicans.

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A body pillow.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My weight.

Where would you like to live?
Los Angeles.

What is your most treasured possession?
I don't have one. Updated: upon further reflection, maybe my hard drive because it has most of my memories.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Loneliness.

What do you most value in your friends?
Acceptance. (same answer as Finn)

What are your favorite names?
I don't have any.

What is it that you most dislike?
Stupidity borne out of ignorance.

What is your greatest regret?
Making a decision out of fear.

How would you like to die?
Protecting someone.

What is your motto?
Avitable: Tact is for pussies
Adam: What, me worry?

But that doesn't mean I don't have to buy gifts for them sometimes. I buy all the gifts in our household so I've had to figure out some good gifts to get for nieces and nephews and the kids of my friends. It can be a tricky minefield to navigate, though, so I wanted to put together a little "Dos" and "Don'ts" guide for those of you who hate kids but still have to buy gifts for them. If you want any of the items that are good gifts for kids, you can visit "Good For The Kids" and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!

For a brand new baby:

Now, you might think that the best gift for an infant would be something to keep him or her occupied and quiet. Something like this:

It would seem like it could work perfectly, right? It's shiny, so the baby's eyes will be distracted, plus there's an end to stick in her mouth, and it's almost as long as a baby is tall, so it can act as a full body pillow, too. However, most parents would probably be displeased if you proffered this amazing gift to their infant. Instead, try this:

WubbaNub Soothie Pacifier - Blue Pony Horse

For only $12.99, this pacifier will allow a parent to distract her child for at least a few more minutes, giving them a little more precious time to use Twitter or booze it up.

For a toddler:

Once again, you would think that a great gift for a toddler would be something that would prevent his or her little hands from getting into everything. Something that could distract them and help stimulate their growing brains by teaching them problem solving techniques. A gift you might think of would be something like this:

Duct tape can be used to tape arms and legs to walls or chairs, and a small piece can even be used over mouths. The high adhesion level of duct tape can teach children about persistence and they can use ingenuity to find sharp edges to cut themselves free. While this seems like the perfect gift, apparently it's not. Instead, try this:

Melissa and Doug Classic Shape Sorting Cube

For only $14,99, this classic shape sorting cube can teach toddlers about pattern recognition, shapes, and advanced physics. Plus, once their arms get a bit stronger, the shapes are the perfect size and weight for hurling across the room right into Mommy's face, giving her a black eye!

For pre-schoolers:

The preschooler has a hard road ahead of him or her. Newly potty trained, about to start going to class with a bunch of strangers, getting pushed into trying to read letters – this can be a lot of stress! Stress can result in intestinal distress and blockages that can result in illness. So what better gift could you possibly give to a preschooler than this:

But nooooo on the enema. Parents don't want their three year-old sticking tubing in their ass and pumping it full of warm water. Who knows why not? Parents make some crazy decisions in today's world. Maybe, instead of an enema, you could get them something like this:

Melissa and Doug Make-Your-Own Monster Puppet

A Make Your Own Monster Puppet can teach kids valuable creative skills, plus they can learn about anatomy. Monster arms, legs, and presumably a huge monster penis to attach! And if there's no penis, you can make your own out of a sock filled with paper.

For elementary school aged kids:

Kids aged 4-8 are naturally curious. They'll get their hands into everything they can, and they'll poke, prod, feel, touch, and explore as much as possible. Your best bet is to feed that curiosity, especially with a gift like this:

You'd think that giving a child a tool to learn about pregnancy, oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse, while also giving them plenty of surfaces and orifices to touch and experiment with, would be perfect. It's not. Instead, try this:

Melissa and Doug Role Play Police Officer Dress-Up Costume

Your child's natural curiosity can now be met by dressing up as a figure of authority and telling other children to disrobe so that they can play police AND doctor. See? Multitasking and roleplaying are two additional skills that he or she can learn.

What other gifts can you get for all of those despised children? Check out "Good For The Kids" and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!

Snackiepoo, Queen of the PRB

Today, she turns the magical age of 38. That means that tonight she gets to go out, pick up two 19-year old hunks, and have them work her over twice. It's her right.

In honor of this splendiferous occasion, here are 38 things that are so awesome that they should be renamed Hilly:

1. Cupcakes
2. Ryan Reynolds
3. True Blood
4. Splash Mountain
5. Orgasms
6. Kittens
7. Tori Amos
8. The Earl of Sandwich
9. California
10. A Hemi
11. Movie Friday
12. Trader Joe's
13. Tom Welling
14. Hawaiian Punch and Rum
15. Mimi's
16. No Humidity
17. Sunset on the Beach
18. Time with Friends
19. Fitting into Smaller Jeans
20. Smiles
21. Alone without Loneliness
22. Home
23. A Good Walk
24. Lots of Comments on your Birthday
25. Making Out
26. Not Being 40
27. Skipping When You Walk
28. Ice Cream
29. Waking Up Each Morning
30. Presents
31. That Ding Sound Tweetdeck Makes
32. Ninjas
33. Puppies
34. A Good Laugh and a Snort
35. A Hot Bath
36. Filet Mignon
37. Snow and a Fire in the Fireplace
38. 24 Night

Happy birthday, Hilly. Everybody, go leave Hilly a comment so she can get at least 38 comments for her 38th birthday, or maybe even 76!

Listening to these two artists on repeat ad nauseum has made me realize that I could totally be a country music star. I mean, sure, I can't sing worth a damn, and the only instrument that I have any ability to play rhymes with "shkin fhlute", but I could create the persona and come up with the song titles. And after that, the rest is gravy.

First, the persona. We couldn't go with Adam Heath Avitable, because that sounds Mexican (not Spanish. Mexican), Italian (pronounced "eye-talian") or maybe Middle Eastern of some sort. Adam is a decent first name for a country star, except that it might bring up memories of Adam Lambert, and he's a homersexual. I can't go with Heath, because Heath Ledger was Australian, a snooty actor fella, and someone who died using drugs. So we'll have to start from scratch with my name.

Let's pick a wholesome, healthy sounding first name. Something that screams good old fashioned simple values. A name that has been passed down from generation to generation. In fact, let's dispense with the name at all and just go with the generational concept. First name: Junior.

For the last name, we need something that doesn't sound foreign, and maybe has some type of positive connotation. A name that implies strength and America and history. A name that rang down through the 80s as a symbol of American pride. A symbol of . . .Hulkamania! Last name: Hogan.

Junior Hogan's first album needs a powerful title that will make country fans stand up and take notice. It can be a little edgier, thanks to the advent of modern country. It should show some disdain for the New York and LA crowds while celebrating the heartland. It should show sensitivity, but not too much. How about: "My Heart's Not a Flyover State"? No, too elitist sounding? What about "Love Like Mom Used To Make"?

Now our album cover is easy – a slightly sad artist in front of a patriotic tapestry:

Finally, all we need is a set list. Here are the 10 songs on Junior Hogan's debut album, "Love Like Mom Used To Make":

Track 1: I Want to be a Stepdad
Track 2: Little Rockin' Car, How I Want to be Where You Are
Track 3: I Wasn't Raised a Fool but I Turned Into One Right Quick
Track 4: I'll Take Your Pain Away Under the Big Black Sky
Track 5: You Left Your Size 8 Boot Print on my Heart
Track 6: You Bowled A Strike With Me
Track 7: If I Thought You'd Wait For Me, I'd Go To War For You
Track 8: My Hemi's Revvin' and You Put Me in Overdrive
Track 9: I'll Be Here When Los Angeles Doesn't Want You
Track 10: Daisy Duke Ain't Got Nothing On You

Any music producers out there who want to make a guaranteed mint? I'm now considering serious offers only.

Swine flu hysteria is sweeping the nation. It's the new SARS. And as usual, people are overreacting without properly understanding the risks, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. So, in order to help stem the flow of retarded panic, inform yourself (taken mostly from the CDC website):

Q: Why is it called "Swine Flu"?

A: Swine Flu (aka Swine Influenza) is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses that causes regular outbreaks in pigs. While there is rarely transmission between pig to person, this can happen in several rare situations, typically when there is contact between the human mouth and pig mouth, human mouth and pig genitalia, human genitalia and pig anus, and human mouth and pig anus. It is unknown at this time why the virus has started transmitting from person-to-person when past infection was limited and unsustainable beyond three people.

Q: Can I get swine flu from eating or preparing pork?

A: No, with a small exception. IF the pork product is particularly fresh and IF the product contains any pork anus, such as in a hot dog or sausage, the CDC recommends avoiding these products or cooking in boiling water for a minimum of 12 minutes to rid the chance of infection.

Q: Is the swine flu virus contagious?

A: Yes, the swine flu is contagious and is spreading from human to human without mouth to mouth, mouth to anus, or mouth to genitalia contact. At this point, it is not known how easily the virus spreads between people, but the CDC has provided the following list of activities that they recommend ceasing until the threat is over: kissing, blood drinking, fellatio, cunnilingus, anilingus, snowballing, golden showers, cleveland steamers, pearl necklaces, and sexual intercourse, both vaginal and anal.

Q: How does an infected person infect someone else?

A: Infected people may be able to infect others beginning 1 day before symptoms develop and up to 7 or more days after becoming sick. That means that you may be able to pass on the flu to someone else before you know you are sick, as well as while you are sick. This does not mean, however, that if you think you're sick, you should tell people that you have the swine flu. That will only cause panic and later, mocking.

Q: How long can an infected person spread swine flu to others?

A: People with swine influenza virus infection should be considered potentially contagious as long as they are symptomatic and possible for up to 7 days following illness onset. Children, especially younger children, might potentially be contagious for longer periods. It is suggested to prepare a clean room of your household, where you can keep the infected victim at all times. Your only contact with this person should be to feed them through an available opening, such as a cracked window or a dumbwaiter. Avoid all physical contact and even verbal contact if at all possible.

Q: What are the signs and symptoms of swine flu in people?

A: The symptoms of swine flu in people are identical to the symptoms of regular human flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu. In the past, death has also been reported as the most serious sign of swine flu, although deaths that are unrelated to flu-like illnesses, such as motor vehicle accidents, decapitations, murder-suicides, trampling, or overdoses, should not be considered to be a symptom of swine flu.

Q: What should I do to keep from getting the flu?

A: First and most important: wash your hands. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, and eat nutritious food. Try not touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. Avoid close contact with people who are sick. In addition, activities that increase your endorphins may make you more susceptible, so driving at high speeds, masturbating or other sexual activity, and running or jogging are all considered high-risk.

Q: Are there medicines to treat swine flu?

A: Yes. CDC recommends the use of oseltamivir or zanamivir for the treatment and/or prevention of infection with these swine influenza viruses. If you are unable to gain access to these or similar antiviral drugs, there are some homemade remedies that may also offer some remedial treatment and/or prevention. Eating raw bacon that has been highly salted can introduce antibodies into your system that can fight infection. Additionally, using a 2:3 mixture of Gatorade and laundry detergent, along with one cup of water per gallon of mixture, you can create a poutine to apply to your face, which will enter your airwaves and disinfect your system.

Q: What should I do if I get sick with swine flu?

A: If you live in areas where swine influenza cases have been identified and become ill with influenza-like symptoms, including fever, body aches, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, or vomiting, diarrhea or death, you may want to contact your health care provider, particularly if you are worried about your symptoms. You should stay home and avoid contact with as many other people as possible. If people continue to approach you, it may be a good idea to use a weapon of some kind, such a shotgun, to dissuade them from entering your premises. Fire only if you are fully convinced that they will come up to you, touch you, and become infected with swine flu.

Q: How serious is swine flu infection?

A: In pigs, swine flu is always fatal. First the pigs will bleed from the eyes, mouth, and other orifices. Next, they will become weak and unable to stand. Finally, the pigs' lungs will collapse and they will die painfully. In humans, swine flu can vary in severity from mild to severe. If you begin bleeding from any orifice, please call 911 immediately, as death is likely imminent within hours if treatment is not sought immediately.

Fuck you.

Thanks to only ten of you showing up at my doorstep last night, I have a bowl full of candy left that I have to eat because there are starving kids in Africa.

And from the ingestion of Hershey's, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Almond Joys, and M&Ms, I will get diabetes. Then, because I'm an obstinate man who won't go the doctor, my diabetes will give me gangrene and both of my feet will have to be amputated. And then I'll get a wheelchair but because I don't take care of my toys, the brakes on my wheelchair won't be properly maintained. And one day when I'm trying to wheel myself down a hill, my brakes will fail and I'll fly down the hill comically, dodging traffic until I hit a curb and fly into a pond. And while I'm flailing around in the pond, I'll swallow some water that contains a parasite. And the parasite will make me sick so I have to go to the hospital. And at the hospital, they'll have some intern who is in training look at me instead of a real doctor. And the intern will accidentally switch my chart with someone in the next room who's having a sex change operation. And I'll wake up with breasts and a vagina, but because I didn't take the hormone treatments, a hairy chest, back, and a beard. And then the only job I can get as a footless vagina toting man is at the circus. And the circus will travel through the US and do a show in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. And I will go into a rest stop to use the bathroom but they will forget about me and drive off and leave me. And then I'll have to live the rest of my life in a rest stop in Kanas, footless, hairy, and with a vagina. And it's all your fault. So, fuck you, trick or treaters. Fuck you in your stupid asses.

Love,

Adam

JFK	Ronald Reagan	Barack Obama
Michael J. Fox	Rosie O'Donnell	Ru Paul
Kristen Bell	Angelina Jolie	Mila Kunis
Bert	Snuffleupagus	Elmo

My answers:

1. Marry JFK for the money, Fuck Obama because you know he'd be pretty fucking eager, and Kill Reagan before he could call you a Commie.

2. Marry RuPaul so you can borrow his clothes, no matter what your sex is, Fuck Michael J. Fox because he'd do all the work involuntarily, and Kill Rosie O'Donnell because she's Rosie O'Donnell.

3. Marry Kristen Bell because you could spend years talking to her without getting bored, Fuck Mila Kunis because she would be a fucking tiger, and Kill Angelina Jolie because she's an ugly skank.

4. Marry Bert because you know he'd take care of the house, Fuck Snuffleupagus because he's imaginary, so nobody will actually remember that it happened, and Kill Elmo because his voice would make your brain melt.

What are your answers?