• Shout "Harry, show me your broomstick" every time Daniel Radcliffe appears on screen.
• Dress like Dumbledore in the traditional wizard way, which means going commando under those magical robes.
• Wave your wand (or iPhone or penis or pencil or whatever) at the screen and scream "Expecto Patronum" to call forth a Patronus to protect you during the scary parts.
• Call Snape "Hans".
• Throw golden balls at other people in the theater and yell "Catch my Golden Snitches, bitches!"
• Pull out your penis (or, if you're a woman, the penis of the man next to you), stroke it, and purr "Good job, Crookshanks".
• Scream in terror every time you see a decrepit old man who looks like a Dementor.
• Ask the screen if the carpet matches the drapes when Ginny Weasley is on screen.
• Put a black sheet on your head, call it the cloak of Invisibility, and then walk into the other sex's bathroom.
• Refuse to let someone sit next to you because you're "saving your seat for Buckbeaks the hippogriff".
• Pour a soda on my head and blame it on Peeves.
• Call your breasts or your balls Fred and George and then make people laugh at them because they're such lovable pranksters.

Follow these few simple rules and enjoy your magical Harry Potter movie experience!

And yet I'm stealing it for myself. Even I like to be nice to people sometimes. To spread a little love and kindness, free of sarcasm and cynical overtones. Plus, I'm tired so it's hard to come up with something else to post. Without further ado:

1. Even with all of your faults, it was because of your example that I had the strength and courage to go through with the lap band surgery.

2. Reconnecting with you after all of these years has proven to be better than I can have imagined. Who knew we had so much in common and we could have been good friends all this time?

3. You're good at what you do, even if I think that you're otherwise a useless human being.

4. You deserve every ounce of the happiness towards which you've already made great strides.

5. You've been there unselfishly for me for more than two decades and I don't know if you're aware of how much I appreciate it.

6. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.

7. Your belief in my ability to succeed has always been unwavering. Thank you.

8. Sunshiny optimism usually annoys me, but you make it work.

9. You give me hope for the youth of America with your work ethic and obvious intelligence, even though you're politically retarded.

10. I'm so glad you ended your old life and started your new life with your new love.

11. You're too smart to be so blind and hateful.

12. My hours and hours of conversation with you and our friendship made me the person I am today, and I'm better as a result.

13. I love how you won't lie to me, even if it might be hurtful.

14. Your innocence and outlook on life is refreshing, even if I try to corrupt it.

15. Both your laughing and your crying are infectious and make everything more enjoyable.

16. I'm so happy that you've started to stand up for yourself. It's a great first step to your happiness.

17. I am so glad that we have become friends.

18. I wish I could do the things you can do.

19. I'm ecstatic that you're happy after those years of heartbreak. You deserve every second of it.

20. I still think of our first date, 27 years ago.

Need a post idea? This is harder than it seems. Give it a shot, and stay tuned tomorrow when I return with my typical vitriolic perspective on life and the sheeple of the world.

Here's the front page of MomDot.com as of 11:53 PM EST:

Notice anything interesting? Let's take a closer look:

There are only three possible ways this could have happened:

1. In the interest of capitalizing on the trend to insert feminine words into already existing words, such as BlogHer, herstory, hersterectomy, hersteria, womanhole cover, and womanagement, the marketing genius chose to write "grocHERies" to indicate that shopping for food supplies is obviously something that belongs to women, and this would empower women further.

2. MomDot's advertising designer is a Nicaraguan man named Felipe who has a problem with the concept of the "ce" and "se" sounds, as evidenced by his constant request for women to have "the chex" with him and his worry about being laid off because of the "rechesshion".

3. Someone over there is pretty fucking stupid.

It's sites like this and Shitfully Domestic that make me weep for humanity. Some person or a group of people think that because they've been on the internet for many years and maybe took a class in advertising at some community fucking college that they can run an online business. And since the Internet is filled with sheep, the sites get traffic and the owners get egos and think that they actually do have some type of marketable ability.

But then they do something like MomDot, where they insult independent women by telling them to ask permission to buy a vacuum cleaner or have a misspelling of one of the easiest words in the English language no less than THREE times on their front page. Or in BD's case, they have an editorial policy that prohibits their authors from writing anything that might be critical of husbands, and they expect so much from their editors and writers even if they don't pay them a cent, while the owner makes money hand over fist through advertising. And eventually the world sours on them and realizes that these sites are being run by a bunch of airheaded fucking morons who don't deserve to run their goddamn household, much less any type of online endeavor.

And this is why even though I have many problems with BlogHer having draconian policies, supporting censorship, ignoring a large portion of women bloggers, and being way too conservative for an online community, they stand head and shoulders above the rest with their professionalism, intelligence, and integrity. Now if only they'd redo their fucking website.

Why doesn't the world just listen to me and do what I say? Everyone knows we'd be better off.

Do you think people suck? Do you already have a pessimistic outlook on how low humanity has sunk? Do you know that there are people in the world who have no morals and should probably just be buried in a ditch?

If your answer is yes to any or all of these questions, Bruno is the movie for you. It puts multiple faces on the ugliness of humanity, exposed by Sacha Baron Cohen's flamboyantly stereotyped Bruno, and it's hilarious.

If, however, you still have hope in your heart that people are inherently good, this movie may make you question your outlook on life. It may make you sad and cry. It will also make you laugh, but there will be moments where you will literally recoil in horror at the things that real people do and say.

Bruno was hysterically funny for me and improved upon the concept of the quite-funny Borat. It's irreverent, it's shocking, it's gross, and it's very very real. With no filter on what humanity can be like when exposed to the light of day, Bruno moves from uncomfortable laughter at prejudice, child endangerment, and hate to side-splitting laughter at pushing the envelope, shock humor, and penises. I will definitely be buying it on Blu Ray to see what bits, interviews, and horrors were left on the cutting room floor.

Why you should buy Britt a drink at BlogHer from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

1. The annual Avitable Halloween party is happening in Orlando on Saturday, October 24th and you are invited! Yes, even you. I'll be emailing details, the theme, and ticket info out to a mailing list, so if you haven't yet added your name and email address, you can do it here:

2. I need more women to comment on yesterday's post and let me know what types of questions they would like to ask a panel of male personal bloggers. We want to make our Room of Your Own at BlogHer 09 the best one of the bunch, and that requires your input!

3. Would somebody bring me a cheeseburger with ketchup and mayo on it?

Among hundreds of women, we stand out as the men of BlogHer. We view the world differently. Some of us are single. Some of us are married. Some of us have kids, some don't, and some of us are just big kids ourselves. The male personal/life blogger is a minority among the personal/life blogging community, and our perspective could be invaluable to any blogger, mommy or otherwise, who wants to make the most of her audience. Join Avitable, BusyDad, and Child’s Play x2 in a discussion about the role male bloggers play within the blogging community, and how that impacts what they write, how they network, and why you should be on board with the work they’re doing.

So, for roughly an hour, the three of us will have to inform, entertain, and retain the interest of our audience. We'll have a moderator, we'll have an audience (hopefully), and now, we just need some questions to answer and topics to discuss.

Here's a few I've thought of so far:

With the majority of personal bloggers being women, it follows that most of the friendships you make online will be with women as well. What do your wives think about this? Do they handle it well? Does anything make them jealous?

When commenting on a woman's blog, where is that fine line between being supportive and friendly and being creepy and lecherous? Do you ever hesitate to comment because you're not sure how it will be taken?

Avitable, why do you constantly show your balls? Do you really think anyone wants to see that?

I don't think these three questions will fill an hour, though. Even if I do share my treatise on testicle exposure being a significant cause in the increase of laughter in the world. I need more questions and topics. And it's a Saturday, so you fuckers don't have anything better to do.

Give me some suggestions in the comments. Whether or not you're going to be at BlogHer, what questions would you like to ask a male personal blogger? Two daddy bloggers? A man who would attend BlogHer? Two men who posed for the Hot Blogger Calendar? Anyone with a penis? Anyone with a penis who still listens to Avril Lavigne and gets his eyebrows waxed?

I'm counting on your input to make this session the best one of BlogHer!

The Farrah:

The Aniston:

The Rihanna:

The Romijn:

Finally, after looking through all 64 pages of hairstyles, I realized that you could also add eyeshadow, eyeliner, lip gloss and liner, and blush and concealer. Here's how I've decided I'm going to look at BlogHer 09:

Go check out your potential hairstyles!

Take an hour and a half of your day and watch the pilot. You'll love it, guaranteed or your money back!

Here he is, 80 years later, and he uses a computer, sends email, surfs the web, uses his cellphone, plays with the Wii, microwaves some dinner, watches movies on his flat screen TV, and can sell a Hummel on eBay to someone in the UK and send it to them so that they get it in a matter of days. He does it unflappably, and it makes me wonder. When I'm 80, what technological advances will there be? Will I be able to adapt as well as he has or will I resist against the tide of time like a stubborn reed?

In the year 2057, will there still be keyboards, or will all computer commands be given via a voice recognition interface? Or will we go the other way and will any surface have the potential to be a tactile surface to type, move items around, and interact with your computer?

Will cars still have wheels or will we have finally invented that flying car that was supposed to have been here? Will we need gas stations? Will our car recognize our face and adjust everything accordingly?

Has our population exploded beyond our planet's capability to support them? Have we started colonizing space or have we infringed upon freedom by limiting reproduction and weeding out the weak and stupid? What's the new type of person who's being discriminated against now?

How many McDonald's will there be worldwide? Will they still serve the same type of food or will we all be eating genetically engineered beef that's grown in a vat? Will a Big Mac cost $200?

Will the Rolling Stones finally have retired?

Does the military still use normal weaponry, or have we moved onto disintegrating rays and phasers? Do we need troops anymore or are all battles fought by robot soldiers and remote weapon control? Are gay robots allowed in the military?

Is there a worldwide WiFi network? Has the government given up on cracking down on piracy and started embracing pirates to get the word out about their product if it's good? Are there bad areas of the Internet where you'll get attacked by net gangs? Are there anymore trolls now that anonymity is a thing of the past?

Can I get laser eye implants yet? How about a cybernetic arm? Have we finally beaten cancer? Or AIDS? Or premature ejaculation?

Does Dane Cook have a star on Hollywood Boulevard? What about Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Uwe Boll or Harvey Levin?

How will I adapt? Will I be as impressive as my Papa? I can only hope.