Same goes for Hubby, but he’s taking it pretty hard too. He’s in a lot of pain, and he’s had to rely on friends and family to get things done. Between that and not being physically able to support the family, he has been really depressed. I’ve been trying to spend as much time with him as I can, hiding my own emotions and doing everything in my power to take his mind off of things. Between all that and playing host to various visitors and houseguests, I’m seriously drained.

And now I’ve got to dig up all the information they need to process my applications for assistance. I need to tally up my earnings for the past six months, and find all of my receipts for expenses such as Internet access and office supplies. I also need to find utility bills, check stubs, and all sorts of other stuff. And with all that’s been going on for the past few months, I’ve hardly filed anything, so that’s going to be a job in and of itself.

There’s just so much that I need to do, and I’m having a hard time pulling myself together to do it all. All I can do is keep fighting the good fight and hope I don’t end up in a padded room when it’s all said and done.

Whatever the problem is this time, he’s been in terrible shape. He’s been in lots of pain, and has spent most of the time lying around. He’s even had to get his brothers to cut and split wood for him, and it’s about to drive him crazy that he can’t do it himself. At least his brothers are actually helping this time. Normally they would make up some excuse and he would be on his own.

We’re seriously scraping to pay the bills, because his pay has been next to nothing. And I haven’t been getting much writing done, either. My clients are getting less and less understanding, and really, who could blame them? There are plenty of crooks and liars on the Internet, and they really have no way of knowing that I’m not one of them. Sure, I’ve been honest in my dealings with them for years now, but people can change. I know that from experience.

My nerves have been in a shambles. Sleep patterns have been erratic - one night I’ll be out before my head hits the pillow, and the next I’ll lie awake for hours wishing I had some good natural sleeping pills in the cabinet. And I haven’t been very good company at all. But I’ve got to find some way to pull it together and get some money coming in. I don’t have any choice, because Hubby’s future is very much up in the air.

Today I’m feeling better than I have been in a while, so hopefully I can get something accomplished. Or actually, a lot of somethings. I don’t mind being the breadwinner at all, but it’s just a matter of whether or not I can pull it off.

I haven’t used it much lately, because I have been away from the computer for the most part. But I’m gradually getting back into my work, and the pain is coming back. So I’ll probably have to fire the massager up pretty soon.

I’ve tried to get Hubby to try it when he gets backaches, but haven’t had any luck. I mean, he’s taken it for a test drive just to see how it worked, but he hasn’t used it when he was really having problems. Maybe if I keep after him he’ll eventually give in. I know he bought it for me, but as far as I’m concerned, what’s mine is his.

I started writing this post three, count ‘em, three days ago. So you can see how much I’m accomplishing lately. I’m having a harder time than ever concentrating. Things were pretty quiet last week, but over the weekend we started having more water problems, and now the brother-in-law is back with one of his kids. I’ve tried to write, but it’s kind of like I’m watching matches at three or four different ping pong tables at the same time. Next to impossible to keep up with anything.

At least I’ve been managing to drag myself out of bed each day and make an effort. I guess that’s the first step toward getting back to my life. All I can do is hope that I can keep going forward and not fall back into the way things have been.

After I spent a couple of days last week lying in bed, crying, and not doing much else, Hubby asked me if I was having a nervous breakdown. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders, because I’ve never been completely sure what that meant. But it sounded pretty feasible. He tried to get me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I’ve been going to monthly appointments, and that has put a big enough strain on the budget. The weather was bad and the roads were icy as well, so I convinced him that it was not necessary. It wasn’t like I was a danger to myself. So I spent the rest of the week in much the same state.

Yesterday and today I’ve been able to do more, and haven’t been constantly in tears. I got my Internet back this morning and started contacting clients, letting them know what was going on and hoping they would be understanding. (For the most part, they were very much so.) And in between that, I did some research on nervous breakdowns.

What I found was rather interesting. As much as you hear about nervous breakdowns, they are not an official diagnosis according to the medical community. According to Wikipedia, the closest official diagnosis to what most people call a nervous breakdown is a type of adjustment disorder. If you want to spare yourself some of the formal medical mumbo jumbo, however, I prefer this little snippet from Mayo Clinic. I’ve experienced every single symptom on that list, so I guess I qualify.

At any rate, most of the other stuff I’ve read links the idea of a nervous breakdown to depression and anxiety. And I’m already on medication for that (although it would appear that it’s not exactly doing its job). For now the plan is to just hang in there and hope that I don’t have any more serious episodes before I get back to the doctor. And that when I do go in for my next scheduled appointment, that she either gives me something that works or refers me to someone who will.

The only thing that does seem to make me feel older than I should is thinking about my oldest nieces being in college already. My sister had her first daughter when I was 11, though, so I became an aunt much earlier than most people do. Besides, my sis is 10 years older than I am.

Both of her oldest girls have good heads on their shoulders, and I think they will go far in life. I know they’re adults now, but I just don’t even want to think about them having kids. That would make me a great-aunt, and I’m definitely not ready for that. I hope they don’t have kids until I’ve got enough money to buy them lots of expensive stuff for their baby showers, like designer baby clothes and Bob revolution strollers. And heaven knows that won’t be any time soon, unless of course Hubby wins the Powerball jackpot.

I’ve really got to stop thinking about such things. Now I am starting to feel old.

We had it all planned out. We were going to put the entertainment center along one wall, the couch along the opposite wall, and experiment with the chairs until we found the right places for them. The only thing holding us back was lack of a suitable electrical outlet where we wanted the entertainment center, and we came up with a couple of temporary fixes for that until we could install one.

But then Hubby’s brother pointed out that if we arranged things that way, there would be cords running across the floor in front of the front door when they played their precious video games. They don’t have wireless controllers for them, and it would cost more money than we could pay right now to get them. So I guess the whole plan is out of the question.

So I guess it’s back to the drawing board. One of these days I’m going to give the living room a complete makeover, with new paint on the walls, hardwood or laminate flooring, and maybe even some faux wood blinds on the windows. But for now, I would just like to find some other way to arrange the furniture so that things wouldn’t seem so cramped.

I’m hoping the Prozac that the doctor put me on is finally starting to work its magic. I’d rather not have to take antidepressants, but if they help, I’ll do it. I don’t feel like I need to go to drug rehab just because I need something to help me maintain some resemblance of sanity.

One good thing about it is that I haven’t had much in the way of those dreaded Prozac side effects. I did have a few days when all I wanted to do is sleep, but that has subsided. I’m still tired a lot, but I was like that before I started taking it.

Anyway, I’m hopeful that the stuff is finally starting to make a difference. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the good mood holds up.

I had mono, and I started breaking out in hives. I had never really been allergic to anything (except a reaction I had to too much vitamin C as a kid), so I figured it must just be a weird mono thing. But then I noticed that shortly after I drank Mountain Dew, the hives got worse. The doctor put me on steroids to clear up the hives, and I gave up Mountain Dew for years.

At some point, I started drinking a Mountain Dew every now and then, and it didn’t hurt me. I didn’t get back into the habit of drinking it regularly until I started a night shift job. Then I started drinking a 20-ounce or two each night to help me stay awake since I didn’t like coffee. All was well until one night when I woke up itching like crazy. I got up and looked in the mirror, and I was completely covered in hives from neck to knees. Yikes!

So I once again quit drinking Mountain Dew. I don’t think I even took another sip of it until a month or two ago, when I was thirsty and Hubby had one. That sip didn’t hurt me, so I took another one a couple of weeks later under similar circumstances. Then last night I took a sip of a Mountain Dew Throwback that he brought home. This morning, I woke up with spots of hives on my belly and back.

So I got online and started searching for ingredients I could possibly be allergic to. The only thing I found that was noted for allergic reactions was yellow #5. And that doesn’t make much sense, because on the occasions when I had severe reactions to Mountain Dew, drinking cola would also cause an increase in symptoms. So it seems like it would be something that most sodas have in them but Mountain Dew has more of. I’ll have to investigate further.

At any rate, I think I’m done with Mountain Dew for good, particularly after reading this. According to that article, Mountain Dew can cause everything from bromide toxicity to obesity that will scarcely respond to the most effective diet pills. Not good.

I love the taste of Mountain Dew, but I guess it will just be a sweet memory from now on. Because being all broken out in hives is no fun, and the less noticeable effects don’t sound too appealing either.

After we got our water running again, we ended up with a leak going to the washing machine. Hubby wasn’t here when I discovered it, so I had to turn the water off until he got home. He finally got that fixed, and then yesterday it rained a lot and the basement flooded. Not only did we have the obvious problem of getting the water out of there, it also turned over our new pressure tank and tore up some pipes.

So once again, the water was off all day yesterday while we were pumping the water out of the basement. And it’s still off while Hubby and his brother are down there trying to get the plumbing fixed. This sucks!

In addition to all that, the phone keeps ringing this morning, and I just don’t feel like talking. Whether it’s bill collectors, family delivering the latest news from back home or a friend calling to ask about the best prenatal vitamins, I’m just not interested. I’ve got work to do and things to worry about, and I just want to be left alone.