This even happens to famous Venture Capitalists like Brad Feld: “Dude next on the plane needs a piece of gum badly. Wondering how to tell him. Hey - I’m in 6A.” (via Twitter)

Figure 1. On the left - smelliness from a person with bad breath. On the right - smelliness from body odor.

At least in that situation you can be assured that you’ll probably never see the person again. But what about the case where the smelly person is a friend or co-worker?

Paul Berberian, a successful entrepreneur and mentor here in Boulder,  asks:
“How to tell someone really close to you that they smell - not that you smell but some friends just have bad breath or BO - do you tell or just live with it. Will it effect your friendship in the long run?”

These are issues addressed by:

AwkwardRules #13: “Dealing with smelly people”

This rule applies to situations where there is a person who smells bad, but who you still like, are indifferent to, or are forced to spend time with (e.g. you work with them).

Follow these guidelines to deal with smelly people ->

Bad Breath - This one is easy. Always carry an off-brand gum, like Stimorol from the Netherlands. If a person has bad breath, bring out the gum and say, “Hey my friend has this new gum, and he wanted me to get people to try it. Do you mind trying a piece and telling me what you think?” The person will think they’re doing you a favor and will try the gum in 99.99% of the time. 0.01% of the time, the person will be from the Netherlands and you will have to improvise.

Body Odor (includes foot / etc) - This case is a lot harder. Try the following:

1. If you have spent more than 80 hours with the person, and you have exchanged at least 3 jokes, then you may just tell them straight up that they have a B.O. problem. You have built up enough of a relationship that this should cause a problem. If you have gotten drunk with them, you only need 30 hours total. One possible option is to spend enough time with them to build up a relationship so you can tell them directly - ideally by doing things like tennis where you don’t have to be close enough to be affected by the B.O.
2. If the other person is single, try to set them up on a date. Then give them a whole bunch of advice, which includes using deodorant  / showering more. They are more likely to accept advice if they are going on a date.
3. If they are the same sex as you, invite them to play a sport where there is a locker room involved (like raquetball). Once you’ve finished playing, in the locker room, bring up some randomly sweet deodorant that 50% of the time, works everytime to get you attention from the opposite sex.
4. If you are stuck in a small enclosed space with someone you are unlikely to see again that has B.O. (i.e. on an airplane), you are pretty much screwed. This is an open problem that I open up for ideas from the awkward community out there. The only possible solution I can think of is some sort of Febreeze Bomb device that explodes with odor neutralizing power. The only problem is this will almost certainly get you arrested.

Any suggestions for amendments? Does any one have thoughts for the open B.O. problem #4 above?

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The situation: You’re walking down the street when you see someone you know fairly well up ahead about a hundred feet. As you get closer, you start to wonder whether this chance meeting warrants a stop and chat. You decide not to stop, and you say “hey!” and keep walking, but see that they’ve stopped to chat. Now you are a few feet beyond them and have to either stop and walk back or commit to the pass and keep going. The reverse situation can also occur where you stop and the other person keeps going.

Figure 1. A poorly executed Stop and Chat situation.

However, if both parties use the following guidelines, this awkwardness can be dealt with.

AwkwardRule #12 Stop and Chats

A Stop and Chat (S&C) shall be defined as a chance social encounter where two people who meet the requirements of Section A below, exchange a small amount of conversation. The following Sections describe both eligibility and protocol for Stop and Chats. Note that there is never a requirement for either person to Stop and Chat.

Section A. Conditions for Eligibility of S&Cs

1. The two people must have met at least twice, or have exchanged information in a previous conversation beyond just names, occupations, and discussions about the weather. Alternatively, one person could attempt to upgrade a long standing nod-hi relationship between both people even if they have never talked.
2. The result of the following S&C eligibility score formula must be greater than 0.25:

   S&C Eligibility Score = (1 - probability that the two people run into each other randomly during their daily activities (from 0 to 1.0)) * (how well the two people know each other (from 0 to 1.0))

   For example, let’s say I have a friend X who I know well enough to be a 0.3. In a city like New York, my odds of running into them randomly is very low, maybe 0.05. So the S&C Eligibility Score between us is 0.3*(1-0.05) = 0.285 and we are eligible for a Stop and Chat. Now suppose my friend and I are in a city like Boulder, where my odds of running into them randomly is 0.3. Applying that same formula, we get 0.3*(1 - 0.3)  = 0.21, meaning we are not eligible to Stop and Chat.

Section B. Protocol

1. Avoid acknowledgment of the other person until you are in the proper zone (from AwkwardRule #4: Nod/Hi Relationships).
2. As you approach the other party, if you desire a S&C, slow down by 25%. If both parties do this and eligibility has been met, then a S&C must occur. Either party can refuse a S&C without stigma by simply maintaining their original speed.

Figure 2. A properly executed Stop and Chat situation.

Any suggestions for amendments? Comment below!

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The situation - You’re taking the bus in an unfamiliar city. You’ve taken the wrong line or missed a station because all of a sudden you’re in what looks like a bad neighborhood. You get off the bus and look around to figure out where you are. One of the people that got off the bus, a disheveled looking man, asks, “hey you need help?” He has crazy/scary eyes so you say, “no thanks, I know where I’m going”.

Fig 1. Notice seemingly scary crazy-eyed follow walker.

Now you have to demonstrate that you know where you’re going, so you start walking in a random direction. Then you realize where you are and remember that you should actually head back to the bus stop and take a different bus. You turn around and you see the man on the way back, and he shakes his head sadly at your lack of faith in humanity. You get back to the stop, and then one of the people hanging out near the bus stop leans over and says, “That guy you refused directions from is J.D. Salinger, he hasn’t talked to anyone in 20 years until today when he asked if you needed help. Maybe now you’ll learn not to judge a book by its cover.”

This situation could have been much less awkward if you had followed -


AwkwardRule #11: Refusing directions in unfamiliar/scary environments

After you have refused directions in an unfamiliar / scary environment follow these guidelines:

• Maintain posture, expression, direction, and pace such that it appears that you know exactly where you are going.
• Mentally create and navigate spatial models and estimate probabilities that you should be heading in a direction other than the current heading. For example, dark alleys are the wrong way 99% of the time.

Should you need to change course, it must be inconspicuous. Abruptly doing a 180 degree turn could create substantial awkwardness as described above. The awkwardness factor increases with the amount of time spent in close proximity of other walkers, especially if you have refused directions from them.

Fig 2. Showing the complex variables that must be juggled in order to non-awkwardly refuse directions.

Here are some strategies to allow you to change directions without showing that you didn’t know where you were going:

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Figure 1. Comparing conversations in high school to present day conversation. Note that sophomore year is not shown because there was no conversation.

Soon the question “So what are you doing now?” inevitably comes up.  You answer, “Oh I’m <current thing you’re doing> in <current city you live in>, how about you?”  Now it’s a crapshoot. The worst case scenario is if they answer, “I’m just working here at the supermarket”, you feel like a douchebag for talking about your job in <current city you live in>. Or they say something that sounds pretty awesome, and you wish you would have made what you’re doing sound cooler.

Then there’s the case where you see the person you kind of knew in high school at some place that’s really far from your hometown, in which case the conversation is usually interesting*. But what if it’s only the next town over from where you live? Is it still noteworthy?

The following rule will help you in this situation:

AwkwardRule #10: Running into people you kind of knew in High School

For the purposes of this rule, the person you kind of knew in high school (PYKOKIHS) shall be defined as:

1. A person that you bear no ill will toward, and may even like, but for whatever reason you just never really spent any time with them in high school.
2. Someone you don’t know at all outside of high school. So for example if you knew them well in middle school, or they were on your sports team they don’t qualify as a PYKOKIHS.

Adhere to the following guidelines:

1. Have them say what they do first - Just like in negotiation, you gain the biggest advantage by having them talk first. This way, once they tell you what they do, you can adjust what you say. So for example, if they were to say, “Oh, I’m just working here at Chipotle” and you’re a U.S. Senator, you could say that you’re “just doing some government job.” Or if you’re a crack dealer and the other person is an executive at a fortune 500 company, you could say that you’re an entrepreneur and you run your own business with a product your customers can’t seem to get enough of.

2. Conversational time limit - If you’re in your hometown and there’s nothing really remarkable about the person being there as well, try to limit your conversation to the sum of all your previous conversations with the person. However, if you see the person outside your hometown, multiply the time limit by D, where D is the distance from your hometown to where you are now. For example, if you went to high school in Rochester Hills, MI and you see someone in Boulder, CO, you multiply your time limit by 1,302 because it’s pretty interesting that you ran into them so far away from home. Here is the exact formula:

Time Limit = (Sum of Previous Conversations) * (Distance from hometown to current location + 1)

Amendment from Kevin Owocki and MWay - Holiday Time Multiplier Factor

A Holiday Time Multiplier Factor shall be applied to the time limit above. The HTMF shall be defined as:

HTMF = 1 / ((duration of holiday in days (1 to 30)) * (total holidays) * (%people who observe holiday and go home (1 to 100)))

Any other suggestions for amendments to the rule?  What do you do when this happens to you?

Credits: Michael Dagitses came up with the idea of a distance-based multiplier on conversation time limit. I would like to note for the record that he has a very sad site, and his neglect is a form of abuse affecting the entire internets.

* This actually happened to me right before I was going to post this rule! I ran into a person I knew pretty well in middle school, but not that well in high school, and her friend who I only kind of knew in high school (we had a big high school, almost 2,000 students). Unfortunately I had only written the situation part, and not the rule part. Luckily they are both doing cool things here in Colorado, and it was fun/interesting running into them!

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Inevitably, at some point, she’ll lean over and say, “my (son or daughter) is about your age” and you’ll be pulled into a conversation. Nobody has been able to demonstrate a way to politely/nicely respond to that statement without engaging in at least a little conversation - many great minds throughout history have tried*.

Sometimes you might actually want to talk to the person next to you. Airplane conversations might actually be interesting. The real problem though, however, is once you’re in an airplane conversation, how do you end it?

You can’t fake a phone call, you don’t have anywhere to be except your seat, and you’re not free to just roam around. You can try to avoid talking altogether, but sometimes you can’t avoid it. And what if you want to talk to the other person, but just not for the whole 5 hours? Unfortunately you can’t just say, “well this has been a great conversation, I’m going to read my book now.”

This problem is addressed by ->

Any suggestions for amendments / changes to this rule? Email awkwardrules@gmail.com.

* Little known fact - René Descartes fruitlessly contemplated how to escape this exact situation with the kindly old women that sat next to him on long horse-drawn carraige rides. He went insane and had to start over mentally with a clean slate and “I think therefore I am”.

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Here’s a tip for dealing with the awkward situation of public speaking - talk about awkward situations so if you end up being awkward on stage you’re just doing your job. Here’s my presentation (thanks to Jeff Powers and Paul Berberian for great suggestions on the presentation, and thanks to Craig Kendall for creating the video!):

Here are some reviews/links to the other presentations:

My favorite presentation was Tim Poindexter’s “History of the Mustache”. Tim took us through the evolution of the ’stache throughout history, starting with the original mustache on a Scythian horseman, all the way through its recent resurgence. Best lines:

• “‘Staches fall into two categories, ironic and serious. You’re either a pretentious bastard, or you’re from West Virginia.”
• “Crustache and the Molestache. What’s the difference? Anyone know? Anyone? …… Age.”

Next up was Ace Harmon’s “How To Properly Prepare for THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!”. This is an extremely serious topic, not one to be joked about at all. For my mathematical modeling class at the University of Michigan, our team chose to work on Zombie Warfare, so this is a topic I know quite well. Best line:

• “If you are prepared [for the zombie apocalypse], it can be just like meeting your in-laws - painful, but survivable.”

Then Brandon White took us back to 1909, with “10 design predictions for 1909 … or so I reckon”. Best line:

• “In the field of health and beauty however, it turns out that women are still only washing their hair once a month with egg yolks and borax - which makes me really think, did we really need a cure for syphilis in the first place?”

When you’re in a dangerous situation, we tend to go with one of two options, fight or flight. Well, there’s a third option, you can Sing Your Way Out of Danger, and Eff Rodriguez showed us how. This presentation came close to being my favorite. It’s hard to describe Eff’s awesomeness without listening to him, so click on the link! Best line:

• “songs are the pepperoni on the pizza of life”

If you haven’t seen the news in the last few months, times are tough. Luckily, while times are tough, Ingrid Alongi showed us that so are we. Best line:

• “you guys always ask me, what does Jeremy do? Well if you were a woman, you would know!”

Next, Jeremy Tanner showed us “What Business Development Can Learn From the Seduction Community.” Best line:

• “Science Break! Cross your arms across your chest. How many people went left over right? Almost all of you. If you try to do it the other way, it feels awkward.” Strange but true!

Why in a culture that promotes the use of breasts to sell everything form cigarettes to cars are we so offended by women breastfeeding? Jo White tackled this issue in “Breasts and Media’s Obsession With Them.” Best line:

• “But moving on into the 21st century, we have boobs promoting a ferry ride between Sicily and Naples! We also have boobs promoting an airline in Britain that’ll take you to a place where you can see more boobs!”

Jen Mayer then told us that “The World Is Burning, But I Still Have My Yogurt“. We’re really disconnected from the food we eat, and Jen shows us some ways to reconnect including making homemade yogurt. Best line:

• “And if you do it right, you don’t even have to worry about Botulism.” The funniest line in all of Ignite Boulder =).

The music industry sucks right now, and it needs a new business model. Why not take lessons from one of the most successful business models out there? Grant Blakeman and Reid shared some “Lessons from a crack dealer for the New Music Industry” Best line:

• “Be willing to share the things you’ve made, and be willing to share the things you love”. Great advice!

Next up was “How to use Twitter for Marketing and PR” by Brian Shaler. Ok, here’s the actual link =). Best lines:

• “Don’t.”
• “The companies that successfully using Twitter for marketing and PR? They’re not using Twitter FOR marketing and PR.”

Then Brandon Whalen demonstrated sick flow by performing his song “Colorado Fire” while showing us “How to make a rap song“. Hard to describe in words, you can download his song here. Best line:

• “Don’t believe everything you hear about white people. You have great rhythm.”

People in Boulder are really nice, and therefore pretty hard to piss off, but Tara showed us how in “How to piss of people and lose friends in Boulder“. There was a classic “too soon” moment when Tara talked about the Jon Bennet Ramsey murder, which I never knew occurred in Boulder! It was also filled with hilarious Boulder Tech scene inside jokes, so you might not get some of the stuff if you’re not living here. Best line:

• “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.”

Finally, Matt Galligan got everyone’s attention in “Getting People to Notice You“. A great tongue-in-cheek presentation on how NOT to get people to notice you. Best line:

• “To get people to notice you, you already have to be awesome, and probably the majority of you aren’t, so any knowledge I’m about to impart is probably not going to be useful.”

I’m already looking forward to the next Ignite Boulder!

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Figure 8.1 shows a gathering where the "social circling" has occurred

Across the room, people have formed tight, seemingly impenetrable conversation circles. In the space between the circles lies no man’s land, where you’re vulnerable to party undesirables such as

• Really drunk person that’s past the “happy drunk” phase and now wants to wax poetic about their life’s regrets.
• Random creeper who has strange zombie-like glint in their eyes, possibly from drugs, or because they are literally a zombie. May or may not have a molestache.

You need to join a circle quickly. However, breaking into a circle is difficult. By their very design, social circles catalyse conversation and so there is rarely a pause where you can make an entrance. In the worst possible situation, it’s a gathering where nobody really knows each other yet, like a conference, so there’s nobody in particular to say hi to.  So what can you do?

Any other strategies for breaking into a circle or suggestions for amendments to the rule?

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All of a sudden there’s a really intense sex scene happening, with loud noises to accompany it. This goes on for several minutes. After it’s over, you think you’re in the clear, and then BAMN, another sex scene. Figure 7.1b illustrates this:

Figure 7.1b You and your parents watching the guy who plays Aragorn in Lord of the Rings get it on in a History of Violence.

Thankfully there are ways to avoid or at least lessen the awkwardness of this situation, which are outlined in ->

Any suggestions for amendments? What’s the most awkward movie you’ve ever seen with your parents?

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The kid somehow gets the ball and is driving to the hoop. Of course you’re the only one in position to block him. If you completely reject him like you would an adult, you could be destroying his potentially fragile ego forever. What if he never plays basketball again and ends up as a Golden Gate Park Hippie? Also, all of the other adults might yell at you for swatting away the ball, which they see as a metaphor for the kid’s hopes and dreams.  Figures 1 and 2 demonstrate this visually:

Figure 1. Small child going up for a shot.

Figure 2. The result of playing too competitively and blocking the shot.

However, there’s also a danger in letting him score. If you don’t guard him at all, then he’ll figure out that he’s being patronized and that could also damage his ego. Also, if he scores and the other team ends up winning, then your teammates might be mad at you.

So what do you do? This situation requires a delicate balance of competitiveness that is described in this rule:

Any suggestions for ammendments?

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