Counting my b-lessons

I wonder if angels read blog posts...

noreply@blogger.com (Benjamin Hartin) — Sun, 14 Apr 2024 19:33:00 -0500

[Originally written in 2015]

I wonder if angels read blog posts...

There is something in the

silence between siblings

who encountered abused

as children that

screams

so very very loud.

Now I admit, I come from a
family of over exaggerators
- some of us even with a flair
for the dramatic - but if you
have come from a similar
situation, you know there is
no exaggeration here.

Even back then, all those years ago, we never really spoke. We never really shared our pain...never, really. I think that is the biggest thing that is taken from the abused, their ability to relate with one another with memories and history that they actually WANT to remember.

There was a lot of fear.

I think there

a lot of fear, though I'm not sure of what.

Old and weak, the lies as wilted and unused like the leftover cilantro that wilts and spoils in the veggie drawer. The threats are now all wrapped up in games of manipulation of a reformed abuser; an old one who only sees that old one in everyone else.

As for siblings...it seems when we grew up and moved away, we didn't find it comforting on the surface to speak to one another. Perhaps it's like the story of the baby elephant who is tied to a post. Later on, even as he's grown in strength, he never tries to leave because he thinks nothing changed. I wonder if writing this could be some sort of awakening to myself. I want to love them - to comfort them - to be comforted by them...it's probably all possible.

It's hard to shed burdens - maybe that's what laughter is for.

...and then

noreply@blogger.com (Benjamin Hartin) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:23:00 -0500

...and then

Three years ago, today was the second day of my Pilgrimage to the Baha'i World Center in Haifa, Israel. It was also the first day I visited the Shrine of Baha'u'llah just outside of Haifa.
I remember that bus ride well. I remember the spiritual longing, the peacefulness of the desert scape and the thought that all this would soon be a memory I would need to hold onto. I remember all my preconceived notions having washed away two nights before when I had seen Haifa for the first time and realized my error in thinking it would look really anything like the pictures I had seen all my life leading up to that time.

I was in the company of blessed souls... those fellow pilgrims that supported me and helped me more than they will ever know. I walked down that long path, the path to the earthly remains of my Beloved. I had never seen such a thing, though I felt more at home than at any one time prior in my life. Actually, if I am more accurate, I would say that "home," in and of itself for me, was redefined that day.

I felt belonging.

These few years later, when I want belonging,
I go there in my prayers, in my meditation...
I long to go back there physically, to walk
around the Shrines, to feel the rocks under my
feet, to pick up a prayer book many other
pilgrims have prayed from and used to
beseech God before me... Oh, what a special
feeling. Every interaction heightened, every
sense strengthened, and every memory filed away
on thicker stock to be retrieved more easily in
the future. The tears that would stream down

my face unannounced... I drank more water

that week than probably in any other in my life;

the sun and the Sun, both so intense.

I feel that renewal still. Days begin for me with

a more special vibrancy––if I but listen. Pilgrimage

taught me about possibility; it taught me about beauty.

I ask myself how I can make my life more spiritual,

beautiful, and in line with what is possible.

After all this time, my inner essence has recently

answered back, "you've always known you must

sing."

I will sing.

m.e.d.i.t.a.t.i.o.n.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 8 Aug 2010 07:29:00 -0500

(Note: The following post was originally written and published on this blog on 3-30-2009. It has subsequently been under attack from people spamming the comment stream, and today I decided to put an end to it, erase the original, and copy it to a fresh new post. Have a nice day!)

Minihaha Falls, Minneapolis

MEDitation...

"The inspiration received through

meditation is of a nature that one

cannot measure or determine. God

can inspire into our minds things

that we had no previous knowledge

of, if He desires to do so."

meDI-TAtion...

"...There are no set forms of meditation

prescribed in the teachings, no plan,

as such, for inner development. The

friends are urged--nay enjoined--to

pray, and they also should meditate,

but the manner of doing the latter is

left entirely to the individual...

mediTAtion...

"The inspiration received through meditation is of a

nature that one cannot measure or determine. God

can inspire into our minds things that we had no

previous knowledge of, if He desires to do so."

MeditaTION...

"The believers should not be required to use

prayer beads nor should they be prevented

from doing so, as the Teachings do not contain

any specific instructions on the subject."

MMMeditation...

I am completely intrigued by the lack of need for any ritual for meditation in the Baha'i Faith... When I read the Baha'i writings on this topic I feel them saying (even though these are clearly my own words) "don't adhere to some ritual of meditation, BUT meditate none the less!"...

WHY?

I wonder in His infinite Vision He sees

that there are far more effective ways

of meditation than we know, and unless

it is Religious Law by Baha'u'llah to NOT

adhere to one form, maybe we will never

find it...

WHO knows?

God I suppose...

huh. *sigh*

LINK TO ALL QUOTES ON THIS PAGE

Today's blessing: Connecting with hearts

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 00:43:00 -0500

It is so inspiring JUST having something you believe in.

I had a great day, first connecting with my sister Amy, who

was on a mission of finding the best garage sale in all of

her city in Washington State, then with my roommate,

later with a new friend I recently met, and then I just

spent the last 6 hours with some friends, some new, some

old. I really enjoyed every minute of it. We prayed

together, then sadly :( , only a few of us were able to go

out to a restaurant. We did go, and it was fantastic.

We connected and really talked about things that

MATTERED

(when does that happen, right? Well, turns out

ALL THE TIME, if you want it!).

It was beautiful.

I find so much energy and vitality in connecting,

spiritually, with others. Sometimes we are too

busy in this world and our conversations are idol

talk but in other situations you can really get into

the life and breadth of the spirit and connect that

to others. Those relationships last forever, whereas

the former seem to dwindle or at the most produce

no real Fruit.

I am so enamored to be surrounded with so

many lovely souls. I will take a moment right

now to mention how my heart is a little bit

sad, no, maybe a lot bit sad that my friend

Mona Majid is now living in another state...

her friendship is truly missed. I really love

having people in my life I can be so frank with.

She is a gem and is now touching the lives and

hearts of a whole new community in one of the

Carolinas... don't know which one...

Anyhow, it is late and I should get my things together, go to sleep and wake up to connect with more hearts tomorrow...

Thanks Baha'u'llah! And, thanks friends!

This weeks blessing: Amy, my older sister

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 28 May 2010 01:39:00 -0500

I can most certainly say that my relationship with my older sister is so deeply rooted in spirit and love that it has me very thankful. I am so grateful that after my return from the Holy Land (feel free to click on that link) so recently, that she called me numerous times to hear all about my pilgrimage. Funny thing is, none of my other family members really seemed to care to call and ask a thing. One showed light interest, but Amy (feel free to click on that link) had a burning desire to hear what my experience was!

It was so surreal, I expected that my

whole family would all be talking to

me and that as a family we might get

together so I could tell them about

my experience, and I supposed that

interest and everything would naturally

come about, but it never did.

(note: Don't get me wrong, this isn't a need of the ego, this is just something my spirit wanted to share with my entire family)

It had me feeling like if I wanted to tell any one

of them, which I did, how it went, that it would be

a one sided "me wanting to tell them things they

don't care to hear" moment... this left me sort of

depressed about it. But then I kept getting these

missed calls, and text messages saying that my

older sister really wanted to hear about my experience!

This had me so so so HAPPY!!! Thanks God.

It was enough to lift the veil of sadness and expectations off my eyes and just appreciate her sincere desire, and also God's grace in giving me a listening ear in my family to hear all the beautiful gifts I had just received after all these years of waiting, all these days yearning to attain the presence of my Beloved as much as is possible in this life.

We talked for a long time, a couple or maybe a few hours about what the experience was for me and what I learned, she then filled me in on some progress in her life and it made me feel so good to hear it knowing how hard I had prayed for her in the Shrine of Baha'u'llah specifically... I don't think I told her how much I prayed for her in there... I love her so dearly.

It is amazing, these beautiful relationships that God just gifts us. It has me constantly thankful, and why wouldn't it, this is the grace of God we are talking about!

So, yeah, this weeks blessing: My older sister

Humbled... (this was written on the 14th of May, 2010)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 28 May 2010 01:31:00 -0500

I am humbled when I consider the magnitude of the OCEAN of pure joy I recently swam in for 11 beautiful days.

note: I am referring too my Pilgrimage to the World Center of the Baha'i Faith in Haifa, Akka, and Bahji Israel respectively.

Having returned about one week ago today, I can say that it was truly the most invigorating and beautiful experiences of my entire life. As much as I long to return, I know that now the task before me is to implement all that I had learned in that heavenly place.

Good-bye to March...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 1 Apr 2010 01:21:00 -0500

Well, good-bye to

March... pesky little

month anyhow... lol

anyhow, it witnessed

my full fasting period,

which all-in-all was

potentially transforming.

It really taught me a lot, that month.

---

Now I am acting on what I had listened too.

---

I am taking steps to grow at a rate that I had not in previous months/years thought possible.

---

Most of my potential growth has to do with starting by managing relationships.

---

Then the fun begins :)

---

Some of this had to do with seeking new relationships with certain people, and some was ending others and yet again, sometimes it required me to simply put some on "hold" for now so that I could focus on growing to a certain point before they will be able to be resumed.

huh... Yeah, I am not being too descriptive you say?

Well, I am not intending to be if that helps you.

This entry is more for the journalling value, so that I will have it to look back on.

In the near future I will be going to the Holy Land.

I am so excited. It will be my very first Baha'i Pilgrimage!

My brother will quickly follow me when he goes in July! I am so excited!

Thanks to God alone for certain realizations and understandings which have lead me to the place I am now. Also, I have a wonderful health coach/practitioner which has also helped me along my path. I thank her as well, or at least I thank God for having put her in my life.

ok that is all.

Lost and found...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:09:00 -0600

Sometimes in life we are on a path. Sometimes the path becomes so much different than we expected, that it seems we have made a mistaken turn. Maybe not. Maybe this is the path. Maybe my mistakes are a part of it...

I have recently discovered more about the importance of being a "sovereignty" as Baha'u'llah asks us to become in the first of His 'Hidden Words'. My relationship with an individual in my life has had to be put on hold for the time being so I can collect myself and when I am around that person I won't feel so infiltrated emotionally. I am finding it a very healthy process, and my prayers for detachment and my daily work towards becoming more sovereign from all save God is really going to pay off. It is difficult, but must be done. It is good to be empathic, but can be unhealthy if you have no known limits. There has to be boundaries, limits.

SO. Is there someone in your life that makes you feel negative whenever you are around them? Do they seem to have a "power" over a part of you? Do you deserve that? All questions that led me to the point where I am now: regrouping. And I feel all the more healthy for it!

Thanks Baha'u'llah, for this is the lesson of boundaries and limits in a world full of oceans of limitless bounties!

me.

Teaching the Cause...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:14:00 -0600

I am so jacked (that is 80's slang for "pumped up")

about teaching the Faith but what's more is how

much I love how Baha'is are taught to "teach" the faith.

Employing the ideology of allowing others to make

their own decisions and just being a person to bring

the person to certain information really relieves me

from having to feel like I am "sneaking" around, or

doing something that isn't absolutely and 100%

AUTHENTIC.

note: get used to that word, authentic, I have an inkling you are going to start really hearing it a lot from this blog.

Story Time!

So, today I was talking to a client of mine, whilst installing a washer, about the event in Haiti and a news story (that I am sorry I can't find at the moment) all about neurotheology.

We then talked about our personal feelings about prayer and it was enough for me to get past my own fears about asking others to pray with me for something, so I came straight home and knocked on my neighbors door and asked if we could pray together when their family all got home for the day. The lady of the home agreed and smiled brightly at the idea and told me to return an hour later when her husband would come home from work! I then went to see if my roommate was down and he said he was totally free and available to come too!

So, we get there, talk a little bit about personal beliefs and then about the chaos in Haiti and other catastrophes around the world to prepare ourselves to really have the right events in our minds to pray about. Then we prayed. Simple, one prayer each, and then I think I threw in a song and another short prayer at the end (I couldn't help myself).

Then the man of the home says he really enjoyed having us over and would like to do it again in less than a week and that we should invite more neighbors! It was so awesome! It was nice to share some Baha'i prayers, I believe they have a great affect, but moreso what I really wanted to share was this core activity.

Why?

Cause they are for the world, not for Baha'is exclusively.

Q. Are Baha'is taught to "convert" people and make them Baha'i?

A. No

And I love that. We are simply to unite with all the peoples and kindreds of the earth, realize our commonalities and accentuate them- and look! It was contagious! The man decided to have another devotional with more neighbors in less than a week! It shows us that we are all from one Source, we all desire the same peace! Let us continue to work harder and harder for it!

So!

(cue core activity plug in 3... 2... 1...)

If you are ANYONE who wants to help the world feel comfortable praying together, imparting spiritual knowledge to children, helping elevate the character of Jr youth, or to study in groups of people about the nature of the soul and hear all the beautiful opinions and thoughts that all the diverse religions, cultures, and schools of thought have to offer, then the 4 core activities are for you!

How do I see it?

Well this is how a Baha'i teaches his faith; he sews the seeds of change amongst mankind and waters them the best he can to his capacity! I know mine is a humble effort, but that it is effort at all makes me know I am on the right path.

Thanks Baha'u'llah! You have been so very wonderful too me! :-)

“Sow the seeds of love in the heart and not the seeds of hatred. The reflection in the glass proves whether we are laughing or frowning. By our actions we reveal what is growing in the heart. Actions are mirrors of the soul.” ~ `Abdu'l-Bahá

Self reflection...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 3 Dec 2009 19:45:00 -0600

Life is Good.

I have been spending an incredible

amount of time and money on myself

in the past months. I have begun the

venture of finding true health, that is

what I would call it anyhow. I have

really honed in on my diet a lot more

and am much more aware of what I

need to be eating and what I don't,

which, believe it or not leads to

learning what prayers one should

say on a consistent basis, what time

one should take for themselves, what

environment one will flourish in best,

and so on...

I see it like this- once I really began to exert

a lot of energy and intention on one major

factor in my life, in this case diet/physical

health, so many other parts of my life began

to fall in to balance. I should say that this has

all been accompanied by weekly acupuncture

which has helped me onto a more balanced

path with emotional health as well.

I think that this seeking for balance appeared to others as being "distant", and as much as I could be concerned and apologetic, I am not. I have to say I am happy I have taken this time. I want to be able to use this short life to serve humanity, I couldn't do that before, buried in all my own unbalanced crap. So, if you saw my distance from you as rude, uncaring, ill-compassionate, unfriendly, (and I know there are at least a few of you) well please know that a different perspective would really serve you well. In retrospect alone, I know that I totally needed that time, and I think I might just take some more, it feels great! I love it!

The Kiss of Faith

Amidst the peace that has been this new found balance, I have found myself more readily prepared to take on bigger things in life, of course from struggle and striving comes growth. A very close family member recently had a MAJOR operation which would prove to be detrimental to other parts of there system. None the less, faith was there as a gift from the One greater and they are doing very well now, relatively speaking. I still pray and meditate and pray for telling dreams that might guide my understanding as to what will come.

Loss of Life

On the flip side, I also lost someone very close to me at
about the same time the aforementioned operation was
in progress. I know that in the writing's of Baha'u'llah

He states:

"O SON OF THE SUPREME!

I have made death a messenger of joy to thee.

Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light

to shed on thee its splendor. Why dost thou veil

thyself therefrom?"

That quote has been a source of comfort and realization as I ponder the loss of this loved one, so precious.

I love my humble human nature, I also love my sacred spiritual nature. It is comforting to know of them both when going through these tests in life.

Get Motivated!

Two words first off- Tunes man! I am finding that Music doesn't play a small roll in motivation in my life, it plays a HUGE one! With it can be summoned untold forces and energies that I don't usually feel. It is so amazing. Last night I made a playlist on youtube of super energizing (to me) hip hop and in no time all the rest of my unpacking in my bedroom was done! Well "no time" is an exaggeration... I think I went to bed at 7pm.

Clarity

So, with my room cleaned, I though "I really need to still work today, but don't want to go any longer without sleep". So, what did I do? Well, I turned to God. I thought of what I would need to do to meet my quota and still get in a good long nap (or nights sleep during the day...) and told God what it was. I then asked that it all work out. I re-posted all the necessary ads on-line in the next 15 minutes, set NO alarm, turned my ringer off, and fell asleep... 8 hours later, I woke up to a bunch of voicemail to check and within 15 mins I had sold my quota for the day and had JUST enough time to get to my wholesaler, buy the necessary appliances for my customers and go deliver and install them. The key to this all working out- FAITH. We must have faith. We are given this life so that we will finally realize it, this is my firm belief.

"And now I give you a commandment which shall be for a covenant

between you and Me -- that ye have faith; that your faith be steadfast

as a rock that no storms can move, that nothing can disturb, and that

it endure through all things even to the end... As ye have faith so shall

your powers and blessings be.

This is the balance --

this is the balance --

this is the balance."

~Abdu'l-Bahá (my emphasis on the word "faith")

Moving on with life...

Oh Ya Baha'u'l-Abha! I am so excited for tomorrow, the next day and the week after that and next year, and forever... Through all of this I think I have become much more hopeful, I suppose that is the result of faith... duh Benjamin. Anyhow, yeah, hopeful. What a refreshing feeling. I am anxious for more tests to see how much more I can grow, I know it can be different when you are in the midst of one, none the less this is how I feel right NOW.

So, in no particular order music,

acupuncture, diet, prayer, family,

faith and authenticity seem to be

the current keys to balanced my life.

what are the keys to yours?

Lastly, I want to say that I have been getting better and better in general at not comparing myself to others, life is relative ya'll, and you NEVER know what others are going through completely, so let us take a breath, thank God for our individuality. Through knowing thyself we realize our part in Oneness.

Hi

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 08:15:00 -0600

This is my first mobile post!

Good times...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:46:00 -0500

I love my friends.

I love their kids.

I love their encouragement.

I love their good times.

I love their chemistry.

I love their love.

I love their homes.

I love their understanding.

I love their hugs.

I love their sincerity.

I love their faults.

I love their strengths.

I love their service.

I love their trials.

I love my friends.

It is said that we can be our own worst enemy...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 6 Oct 2009 23:38:00 -0500

My blessing today is being my own best friend.

Woke up, had breakfast with Roshan before he took off, then it all began.

First, work emails and calls while watching Ellen. Next, off to get dressed and ready for action, then to the Baha'i Center for a couple of hours, then to my first of two deliveries of driers, which I did solo as well, might I add.

After I got back to the cities and said "Self"

At that I replied "Yeah?"

Then I said to myself "What do you want to do tonight?"

I said "I don't know"

"Come on, be decisive"

To which I replied "I want to study more about business, but I want to eat good, probably the great Chinese place in Dinky Town. Probably General Tao's Shrimp. And if I am good enough and get far with my studies, I would like to treat myself, but I don't quite know how yet."

"Sounds pretty decisive to me!"

And I said "Yeah I have my moments!"

So then I went there and ate that very dish! So good. I studied a lot too!

note: Did you know that the Virgin Group runs all their companies (Virgin Records, Virgin Airlines, Etc...) in very entrepreneurial ways? They keep there staff very small, then when they grow one company too big, they split in half and make more companies... kinda reminds me of a zygote... weird.

Good Stuff.

Then- I was like huh... I deserve a little treat after all this studying,after all my brain is fried... ok so it wasn't fried, but I neededR & R. SO! Why not go to Acme Comedy Club and see Robert Hawkins for a little Tuesday night fun?

"ok."

GREAT TIME!

Thanks self. Good night.

And then there were friends...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 6 Oct 2009 00:31:00 -0500

# 1 blessing for today: I called Mom today. We talked.

It was good. She is such a source of encouragement.

# 2 blessing for today: Facing hard truths. Met them head on. Wrote some things to someone that I needed to say, then deleted them right after, cause even though I needed to say them, they weren't really things that I truly know that person needed to hear.

# 3 blessing for today: Emotions. I tried to cry a

little bit cause I felt like I was a little overwhelmed from last

nights events on my previous blog entry, but then I realized

I feel like I do best when I am honest with myself and let

myself be strong. I feel like something somewhere tells me

that I am not supposed to be "able to handle" hard situations

or something, not true. I have been through some shit (sorry

for swearing mom), I will say that for real, and I have really

grown from it. At some point you have to start giving yourself

a little friggin' recognition for the stuff you have seen and the

growth that has come from it, and allow yourself to be the

strong person you have become, CAUSE YOU ARE! I won't

lie- that felt really good to write.

# 4 blessing for

today: Great friends/

great times. I am so happy

that I can be such good friends

with Cindy, even though we are

not in a relationship anymore.

I am happy she came over

tonight and hung out,

she is a really great friend

to have. I am also happy that

Emily, my sister, has been up in

the cities a couple of times now in

the past couple of weeks, she is really

great- totally love that she is my sister

(thanks God). Also, Marjan, who is a

totally hilarious, great person who

is blunt and honest, but knows

when to show her loving,

kind heart. Fano- this guy

came over too, great friend,

hands down. So great. So

fun. So loving. Dominique,

what a light in anyones life!

Seriously! I was so pumped

that she could come over

on such short notice.

And of course there was

Shannon, my roommate.

I love this guy! I think he is so

insightful, rare, and genuine.

A friggin' ball of laughs too!

So glad he moved here from

Chi-town to grace us with

his presence! Then after all

those great people, the cherry

on top? Roshan, of course! He comes

to town every week for a couple days of

class and crashes at our place here and

there, I love when he is able too, what a

great friend. I love being able to talk to him,

hear about his life. Tonight we watched "I Love

You, Man" together- great time! Great group of friends!

Best part, I have so many other friends up here, by the grace

of God, that I didn't get to see tonight that are just as much as

beautiful and part of my life! Hope to see you all soon!

# 5 blessing for today:

My bed. I loved coming in my

room to finish this entry tonight,

such a comfortable bed.

Such a great home.

I am truly blessed.

Truly.

Waiting for life can suck...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 4 Oct 2009 17:58:00 -0500

Today my father was called by his hospital who said at 11am "We will call you around 6pm tonight and let you know if it will work, but we do have a liver that by all our indications is a good match for you, we just need to assess it's health and make sure that it will last a long time by running various tests first" or something to that effect. Well, it is 5:59 pm and they haven't called yet... kinda nerve racking. I am hoping they call soon and interrupt this blog so it has a happy ending, but I am not holding my breath. I totally don't mean that in a negative way, it's just that without practicing I can only hold it for like 80 seconds.

The clock just chimed...

(6:01pm) Mom just got a phone call. False alarm. It was grandma calling to see if "they" have called yet. Dad says he feels at peace apparently, that is good. Mom and I just got done saying prayers. She said the prayer for husbands... wow. What a touching moment.

(6:02) Still no call. I hope they do call soon... this sucks, if you want to know the honest truth! lol

(6:03) Still no call... blogging is helping pass the time, or is it :-/

(6:04) Mom is digging around in stuff that she has packed, presumably keeping her hands busy while her mind is on one thing. Dad's life.

(6:05) I would love it if they would let me fly out there with them. If my dad, God forbid, didn't make it, it would sure be lonely for my Mom until one of us kids got there... I love my siblings... My sister came this morning and helped them with a few things with her husband, then I showed up and tag-teamed in for support, I love this family. My little brother is in Chi-town and my sister is on the West Cost for now, hope they can find some comfort in prayer and family where they are. Funny thing is that it is just as nerve wracking being here or being miles away, I know I have been in their shoes before. My father has had other calls for "possible livers" by virtue of this blog being written, I imagine you can guess the outcome of those close calls...

(6:08) Mom is still re-packing. Dad is playing scrabble on the computer... funny. I love to see faith play out in different people. He is just sitting there playing his game like it was any other day, maybe he is over it by now. The edge of your seat-ness (if you will, why not, I did) that this can put on a person...

(6:10) Mom sat down for a second, then got up and took out her laptop she just packed. I think she is going to go hang out in another room and surf the net or something... maybe play mahjong... who knows.

(6:12) No one has called yet... I can feel my nerves settle as the minutes pass... Funny, at this time tomorrow, I might have a father with a new life expectancy... *pause*...

(6:14) A couple of times ago, they called, actually chartered an $7,000 jet for him to Pittsburgh (that's where the hospital is) and as he was showering to get the surgery, they came in and told him that the liver was bad... holy crap, what a buzz kill.

(6:15) Dad is done with scrabble, now it is off to coming in the living room, sitting in his electric recliner, yawning and passing the moments with the tapping of two overly swollen feet... your body can easily retain a lot of water when you have stage 3 liver failure... most of the time you can't wear regular shoes... crazy how adaptable to situation we humans can be, cause I think one day of his life would have me begging for mercy... then again it just isn't my test I suppose...

(6:18) Mom just came back in the room. Dad appears to be snoozing and yawns again... Mom takes the dog outside, hopefully the last time she will be doing that for the next 2 months (that's the estimated time he would need for full recovery in Pittsburgh).

(6:20) Dog just came back in. Hopefully they call soon. Apparently mom is reading up on donating facts "Kidneys can last 24-48 hours! Lungs 2-4, wow!"

(6:21) Dad speaks up about a guy that he met that had a liver/lung transplant that took some 5-6 months to recover.

(6:22) It feels good that they are talking now about some things and laughing a little here and there. It isn't nervous laughter either... I hope for their sake.

(6:23) Me: "maybe you could call them"

Mom: "when you call the hospital transplant number you just get an answering machine"

Me: "did you leave a message?"

Mom: "Hu-uh. They called from another number this morning though."

Me: "Maybe you can call that number?"

Mom: "No, they will call us when they are ready"

Dad: "You could just call them"

Mom picks up the phone and starts looking up the number

(6:26) my fingers are crossed, mom is calling them now.... Mom leaves a message cause they didn't pick up... "That's always how it goes, I don't know why" Dad says.

(6:28) Dad: "At least she answered." Apparently having an overload of ammonia in your brain can make you say weird things that don't fit the situation.

(6:29) Mom spouts off some more facts about liver transplants, seems to calm us both... we laugh a bit over some silly things...

(6:31) I totally think this waiting sucks... more waiting ensues...

(6:42) I stepped out to eat an energy bar and drink some water. My dad can't eat or drink so we are trying to eat "behind his back" so to speak so we have the energy to go through this, even if he doesn't. Apparently while I was away no one called but my little sister and my Grandma again. Grandma wasn't calling for news, she called to give it, and here's the scoop: "Extreme Make-over: Home Edition is on at 7pm. They are doin' a house up in the [Twin] Cities" I laugh.

(6:46) Mom turns the TV on to "funniest home videos"... that's what we call it here. I can't stand that show...

(6:50) I contemplate God and tests... yeah. It'll be ok...

(6:59) 9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...

(7:00) the clock chimes again. At least Extreme Make-over is on, that show can take my parents minds off of a plague!

(7:10) Commercial break. Dang, it captures my attention too... dad is tapping is feet still... no doubt waiting...

(7:13) Grandma calls to apologize, it is a family from Missouri. Apparently it is my Aunt's fault. She thought she heard it on the radio... oh well... They are a great family... 6 kids, a small one bedroom house... no good.

(7:16) The call- "We did a biopsy on the liver and it was no good."

(7:17) I go get Dad a glass of water and while I am in the kitchen I cry a couple of tears, dry my eyes and go get him his water. He is TOTALLY thirsty from a day with no water!

(7:19) The waiting ensues...

Top ten blessings in my life:

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 3 Oct 2009 23:29:00 -0500

TOP TEN LIST

From least important (10) to most important (1), these are the things I feel are my top ten blessings overall in the macro vision of my life. Please reply with your own! I would love to see! Or at least do it on your blog and comment on this post with the link to your entry. Feel free to click on most any one of them and see what I came up to link them all too if you feel so inclined, or board... lol Love you all, thanks for the blessing of having you in my life!

10. Material Resources

9. Entrepreneurial Drive

8. Common Sense

7. Music

6. Education

5. Creativity

4. Humanity

3. Friends (This was taken a week and a half ago in Alexandria)

2. Family (this is a pic of my immediate family like 6 years ago)

1. Baha'u'llah

Zombies. What a blessing...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 3 Oct 2009 02:23:00 -0500

I love zombie movies.

I wouldn't say "I love

zombies", that would be

dumb, they aren't even real

(just so you know).

So I just saw Zombieland with Stefano,

Christoph and Roshan (all hilariously

fun movie going friends) and it ROCKED.

Hands down best movie of the year. Eat

your heart out Snakes On A Plane' fans!

This movie was double the fake gore,

double the slapstick, and double the fun!

Oh, and did I mention it has Little Miss

Sunshine's own Abigail Breslin (Little

Rock)!?!

Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson)is the MAN. I love his sensitivity and stupid wit (also, breaking stuff is cool). At one point, in all seriousness he says "I haven't cried like that since Titanic!". Brilliant.

The incident with Bill Murray?

Even more brilliant (I loved that scene).

The love story was GREAT- Overall, good, clean,

mostly chaste fun! I loved the silly corny-ness of it (if

you will). The "not telling each other real names cause

they don't want to get attached to each other" sort of

thing made sense... I mean that's what I would do if I

lived in Zombieland...

The sickest thing about the whole

experience of corn syrup fun- As

they were killing all the Zombies, I

have to say I thought once or twice

"Ya know, I'd love to have a go at

that myself!"... kinda bothered me,

but I'm sure I'll get over it.

Thanks Zombieland!

Blog-binge

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 2 Oct 2009 10:20:00 -0500

So, I don't know why I blog-binge, but here I go again.

A spill of thoughts...

My hands look old sometimes. I wonder why.

I am at a coffee shop. Eating an energy bar that has brown rice syrup. GO ME for not eating sugar, and GO CAFÉ for having an alternative to your muffins and bars!

Just put some Laura Harley and some Norah Jones on my GPS so I can listen to it in the car... oh yeah.

Kinda wish I worked at the airport still. It was so peaceful working there. I loved it. Planes taking off and landing all the time provided a fun meditative spectacle while I was taking a break. I read a lot of books there too. Such a good book reading job I had (Yoda-like sentence that was...) Anyhow, yeah, sometimes I float back to that peaceful time in life in my mind and wish I were there again, so wonderful. I would walk up in the terminal and sit and just watch all the people. So fun to do. So fun. To do. There were people from all over the world, such a beautiful sight. Thanks for all your goodness dear airport! I think I will go visit sometime on the light rail...

me. right. now.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 2 Oct 2009 08:33:00 -0500

Me-

Sometimes I am very weak. I seem to get there recently by letting others attitudes and emotions effect change in me. I am finding myself struggling to be a stronghold for my worth. Sometimes it is so difficult. I have sadness around me at times, and not much reason to have it inside, I think. Yet it does linger inside of me from the outside... What I got from my Chinese herbalist is that I need to really focus on not letting that in. I will try to begin to protect my heart more. It is difficult, you want to open up and let others in at the same time you need to protect your heart.

Wait, this is all starting to make more sense...

See ya- gotta go live MY life

New entry.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 2 Oct 2009 01:23:00 -0500

I am inspired by Cindy to write (click on her name and read her entries, one really funny one is called "My Boss". Anyhow, you will see that she has some beautiful things to say. I dare you not to be inspired.)

It is 1:24am and I need to get up in a few hours...

Do I care?

Apparently not right now.

I want to grow closer to loving myself the same way I love all things God has created.
I want to get my life coaching certificate.
I want to see my family more.
I want to sing with my brother.
I want to be in touch with my father more instead of spending so much time being scared of loosing him.
I want to love people without them thinking it is too much.
I want to just be trusted that my intentions are pure, they are.
I want to put aside my desires and seek something Greater.
I want to change all my "I want to's..." to "I will's..."

Thanks for the inspiration, that felt good.

"mmm... Chinese food..." or "Hello MSG!"

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:37:00 -0500

So last night I was eating at a Chinese place across the street from my new Apartment. I consider this place a blessing. They even have wifi! Here are some rAmBliNgs of my experience...

I am about to eat at the very authentic looking Chinese restaurant across the street from my new apartment in South Minneapolis.

I come in. A dry smell of slightly rancid cooking oil looms in the air. The loan worker looks up from her laptop as I walk in. She is in her late 20's or early 30's, Chinese, I guess and is about 7 1/2 months pregnant, a later conversation confirms this). Having been out in the front at a customer table she gets up, says "hello" and turns to walk toward the counter to grab me a menu. I introduce myself. She says her name is Grace. How pleasant, 'Grace'. I wonder if she has an asian name? Why would she not tell me? Does she take me for every other ethnocentric white young american male who thinks less of those he understands less about. Grace, it was a name that any corn fed american man could understand.

She waddled softly as she came to bring my dish to me. It smelled lovely, and she had the smile of anticipation, one that said she had made this and she hoped I loved it so. It looked delicious. I thanked her for cooking it and dug in! DELICIOUS!

The blessings of the mercy and grace of God...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 8 Aug 2009 20:26:00 -0500

Sometimes Baha'u'llah

punches me in the face

with a whole palm-full

of gifts. I love that.

Thanks!

I have been feeling like some of my tests lately have not been things that I am able to currently handle, and like the grace of God goes, He lifted all that from me for the time being so I could gain a new perspective. I am writing that here so I can look back and remember this moment among the many He has blessed me with. I sure do loveBaha'u'llah.

“Observe My commandments, for the love of My beauty.” ~Baha'u'llah (Kitáb-I-Aqdas)

Mood: Content.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:42:00 -0500

I am so thankful for the way God works. I really am.

Ups and downs... peaks and valleys...

I feel like I am learning so much... maybe I need to learn to go to sleep earlier.

Anyhow, I have had good reasons

in the last week to laugh and cry.

I have chosen to take full advantage

of both. Through it all, I really want

to thank God for the blessing of His

presence in my life. It has been

seriously difficult, even as much as

it is helping be, after all we grow

from our tests and difficulties, right?

Thank you to all my friends too...

You mean so much to me. So much.

Also, my Mom is great too, really really great!

Wow, what a ride...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:57:00 -0500

I have been on a veritable roLLER Coaster of emotion for the past week or so...

Never easy when someone very close

to you needs time away. In this case

it made perfect sense...

But that didn't make it easy.

None the less, prayer

and good people really

made it possible-

ultimately God.

I also am having a wonderful time exploring my authentic me. I had a great conversation with Laura Harley tonight after Feast that really helped me to see this- shout out to Laura for her love and support!

The most authentic, whole, empty, yet full at

the same time insides that make me who I

truly am in the eyes of God. I love that person.

Sometimes it is hard to remember and to stay

conscious of the beauty we are given. It is

within us. So deep.

Cindy complemented me a while back on my ability to remember that the answers we are most commonly seeking are inside us. I want to say that was nearly the greatest complement I have ever been given, if not the greatest. Of course this takes our remembering that deep inside us is only Light- the source of all that is and all that ever will be...

We are all a part of that light.

That is to be Blessed.

Loving ones self...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 9 Jul 2009 23:09:00 -0500

No fancy editing, or fun links on this one. Just being real about loving myself and I don't want to jive it all up with pretty little fonts and crap, just not in the mood. Please do comment on this if you are reading it, I would love to know how anyone thinks about this topic with regards to themselves. Thanks

I have had a lot of tests lately that have really made me look inside and say "hey, just how much love is in here?".

These moments have been happening more and more to the point that I really really now know that I need to pay more attention to it.

Do I love myself? In a word, yes. But there are parts of me, defeatist mentalities that would say otherwise. Those parts are so hard to shut off. I am trying to realize the necessity in not being active at "trying to shut them off" but in working for the change I want (i.e. looking in a damn mirror once in a while and saying "I love you").

Encouragement: This is a biggie for me. I LOVE giving encouragement, it is one thing that I think I have worked on over the years that I really really like about me. I have an amazing time being sincere. I love sincerity! In fact, I will say that my most sincere moments in life have been my best. Now, when you are decent at something, you look for it in others I imagine, cause that's what I do. I love encouraging words from others! I LOVE them! I used to ask others to not encourage me, cause I had some twisted mentality about it only boosting my ego... I'm over that, I realize that it doesn't work like that at all for me. It simply helps me distinguish what the word sees as good in my life, and that is very encouraging information to know, it helps me! :-)

Anyhow, ultimately, I now know that I need to tell myself I love me more. I need to tell others that I love how I love them too. Sometimes it is funny how people react when you tell them that, simply cause they are not told much by anyone... But I will still tell them.

I suppose when it comes down too it, loving myself in the right way is loving God that He created me. Loving the part of me that is God manifested in me... Wow. Thanks God.

Thanks for reading this post- I love you!