I just need to know what this Wheel of Fortune kid was doing while I was reading Harry Potter?

Kids in our generation have a very strict reading and watching schedule of Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and Twilight. Our brains are trained from a young age to want to go to Hogwarts or to meet and marry a creepy hot vampire who’s been waiting his entire immortal life for someone who smells as irresistible as we do.

Why, then, when you’re in the final round of Wheel of Fortune and the age-old magician Dumbledore himself has clearly come down and whispered the correct letters to guess to you so that every single letter you guess is on the board…so that you are confronted with THIS PUZZLE:

MAG_C
_AND

Tell me why in any world, the first words out of your mouth would ever be “MAGIC HAND”. I just…I shake my head at you. And don’t try to blame this on Oregon, either, because it’s not the problem. I grew up in Portland, Oregon, and it’s a wonderful place for the maturation of nerdy Harry Potter knowledge, let me tell you.

After his scholarly “MAGIC HAND” guess, young DumbDumb (it’s a family name) proceeded to guess, MAGIC BAND, MAGIC…GAND ZAND, VAND, CAND, JAND, PAND, FAND, BAND, WAND — OH!

Deep audience sigh.

And Pat Sajak doesn’t even attempt to make him feel okay about it. He just keeps showing him the prize he would’ve won, and shaking his head in disbelief. I mean, to be fair, I’ve never heard Pat shush the audience that aggressively before when the letters first showed up on the screen. It really was that obvious.

And the kid’s only defense: “That ‘AND’ just looked soooo…ANDY.” Which may as well have been the name of the super smiley “close friend” standing next to his girlfriend over there. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

But if you guys are free tonight, you should totally come hear my Magic Band play. Because that’s a thing.

Post from: Crushable

This is my second in-depth investigative report on the comings and going of Miley Cyrus within the past 24 hours. I know this. But I also know I can’t apologize for looking into the soul of the darkest Disney actress to ever get caught smoking salvia while posing with her father under a sheet.

The former actress (and I believe after the cataclysmic failure that was LOL, the word former can be used) appeared on the new Lifetime show The Conversation with host Amanda de Cadenet.

Amanda de Cadenet asked the 19-year-old celebrity what advice she would give herself and Miley Cyrus, making Vanessa Bayer’s job on SNL so easy, responded in typical teenage fashion.

“My dad always said it to me, um, I never really listened, I would always sweat the small stuff is this too shall pass, that’s something I so needed to remember, when you’re that young, even now, everything that happens, it’s the end of the world, it’s the end of your world.”

While “this too shall pass” is great advice for anyone, at any point in their life, it just doesn’t make sense to me that Miley Cyrus is in the place in her life to start reflecting on her past. She’s only 19. Have the last five years really been enough time to start looking back at her teenage mistakes and discussing them.

Probably  not because she’s still a teenager. She’s not even 21. She’s not even legally allowed to drink. Why don’t we give these child stars a little more time to grow up before we start asking them to advise their younger selves.

I’d love to hear what Meryl Streep has to say to her 14-year-old self. I’d even listen to Jennifer Aniston advise her 14-year-old self. But I’m not quite ready to pretend like Miley Cyrus attained some great wisdom in the past 5 years.

So like, that’s that.

http://youtu.be/Bsu408NFI8E

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First there were Traveling Pants, next there were Transformers, now we have Battleship.  It seems like movies can get produced that are based on just about anything these days.  It’s great to find inspiration in unusual places, but a movie based on the board game Battleship takes “unusual” to extremes. While many, many people might be tempted to think about what other board games would look like as movies, I’ve followed the “Battleship” trend by taking things much, much further until it borders on the nonsensical.

The first time I saw a trailer I thought: “Jeez, these U.S. Navy recruitment commercials must have had a large budget to get Rihanna and Liam Neeson. They may get me yet.” Then I thought: “Wow, I can’t believe they’re making an entire movie about a single Battleship; that seems a little one-note.”

Next, I thought: “Wait, what?! This movie is based on the board game Battleship, a game so boring that as a youth I’d rather just help my mom organize the bulletin board than play it?” That last thought is pretty ironic considering there really is no discernible difference between the board game Battleship, and organizing a bulletin board. Kudos, Hollywood, you’ve broken the weirdness barrier for things a movie can be based on. Here is a list that celebrates both new heights in movie-making, and this week’s the nation-wide opening of Battleship.

Stew

Sometimes it seems like it’s just one thing on top of the other! When a completely green rookie gets thrown in with some well-seasoned veterans—it looks like things might boil over. Several stirring performances seem to calm the waters, yet the action continues to simmer. Look out, when temperatures rise, things are certain to get spicy!

Swing Sets

A tragedy in the vein of the great Italian neo-realists, this is the gritty depiction of some very determined and social climbers.  They race the clock, and every step they take brings them one rung higher on the ladder of success.  Yet, they never take the time to look around and enjoy where they are at that moment. They will do anything to get what they want and what they want is to get to the top.  And when they do?  They realize there’s nothing else up there, and as with any classic tragedy, they come sliding down. After hitting rock bottom, they take up with some kind of deviant crowd, usually swingers.  Whatever it is, they end up filthy, with torn clothing, possibly crying and without a single dollar in the bank.

A New Yorker Article

In a tenebrous and prosaic world where pedestrian antics must be fought with pleonastic superciliousness: we must look to an unconventional sentry for deliverance.  A different kind of hero for a different kind of time, he will use perspicacity and mental acumen, rather than the physical puissance of sinewy muscle, of which he is devoid. His Achilles’ heal? Tortoiseshell spectacles. Nevertheless, he will subjugate the malefactors.  We will all be safe from detriment thanks to his pedantic powers.

A Novel About a Broadway Show Derived from a Movie Adapted from a Television Show Inspired by a Hit Song from a Documentary Film on the Making of an eBook.

This is the zaniest romp to ever hit the page, the stage, the screen, primetime, the airwaves, the festival circuit and/or your eReader! Sometimes a story comes along that is so true it can inspire literally dozens of iterations, becoming either increasingly fictitious, or even more truthful with each level of mimesis. Co-created by Sapphire, James Franco, Mark Burnett and the staff writers at Bunim/Murray productions.  This one will be a shoe-in for a Pulitzer, a TONY, an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, the Palm D’Or, and/or five stars on Amazon.com.

A Facebook Group

This light-hearted, animated romantic-comedy proves that you just never know when and where Cupid will strike.  They say opposites attract and that means anything standing in between these two is about to get flattened like a pancake! They may literally be a cat and a dog, but they both absolutely hate when people misuse the word “random.” So much so in fact, that they’ve joined an online social networking group in protest of this occurrence. Watch what happens as everyone learns the truth about cats and dogs! Sometimes all it takes is just one thing in common for foes to become Facebook friends. But do these two have what it takes to become… Facebook lovers?

Hand Sanitizer

A true coming-of-age story, watch as this bubbly little gel grows and evolves into so much more.  Sure, there will be a lot of sticky situations, but life lessons don’t come easy. Sometimes it might feel like you’re just trapped inside a see-through container watching life pass you by, but hang in there.  In the end, you’ll learn that the most important thing is to be there when someone else really needs you… because they just got off the subway and they want to eat a slice of pizza.

A Bill Cosby Sweater 

This episodic art-house piece is a timeless classic.  Interwoven threads and details give an incredible ensemble tons of material with which to work. This thing is very, very hard to look at and yet, once you do, you can’t look away.  Sure, some areas of this work are kind of a stretch, but overall, the proof is in the pudding.

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These photos of the usually very well put together Halle Berry shopping at CVS with her daughter Nahla made my hangoverdar buzz like my table at The Cheesecake Factory was ready.

After spending four years at college, I can easily spot a hungover person stumbling through the drugstore in hopes that they’ll find some magical hangover remedy. Instead the hangoveree usually leaves with gatorade, advil and scattered memories of what happened last night.

Halle Berry looks like that in her baggy clothes and her big sunglasses. Because everyone knows that someone suffering from a hangover can’t bear to wear anything form-fitted (or she’ll yak) nor can she handle bright lights (because her head might actually explode). Another tip-off that Halle may be shopping hungover? She’s letting Nahla take charge on this shopping trip.

It’s like when your college roommate insisted you go grocery shopping when all you really wanted to do was get to your friend Mr. Toilet a little better. So you refrained from punching her in the face and agreed to go shopping. But then you got home and looked through the fridge and realized that you didn’t actually buy anything you need or want. Blerg, right!?

Whether or not Halle Berry is actually hungover in these photos, she looks amazing and her skin looks flawless. We should all look that good on our off days.

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• Which Steve Jobs biopic would you watch—the one starring Ashton Kutcher or the one written by Aaron Sorkin? (Celebuzz)

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie‘s engagement party allegedly cost $100,000. (Celeb Dirty Laundry)

• Accuser #4 comes forward in the John Travolta vs. masseurs case. (Have U Heard)

• Skechers has to pay $40 million to people who bought the Kim Kardashian ”shape up” sneakers and didn’t get an ass worthy of reality TV. (The Stir)

• Basketball Wives‘ Tami Roman fakes an apology to Kesha Nichols. (Celeb Dirty Laundry)

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Photos: Taste of Country/Quillings

I can’t even tell you what was going through my head, but a week or so ago I looked at a photo of On the Road star Garrett Hedlund and thought, “Weird, but he looks like he could be related to Rooney Mara.” Like, siblings, or at least first cousins. Think about it—they’ve got similar bone structure and coloring, and that same calm but piercing blue gaze.

Not convinced yet? Here are a few more photo comparisons.

Photos: Flixter/Barnorama

I’m not saying that Garrett seems feminine, or that Rooney comes off as masculine. (Even as Lisbeth Salander, it’s androgyny she’s going for, not drag.) And honestly, it’s her pre-Dragon Tattoo roles where you can make the best comparison, since she’s rocking her natural hair color.

Photos: Now Have Fun/The LA Times

Both are cool and collected here, and even have similar taste in fashion.

Photos: Zimbio/SF Gate

Of course, your best indicator is laughing. My sister and I look nothing alike, and only when we’re cracking up can people recognize any sort of resemblance.

I guess I’ve stopped this celebrity couple from ever happening, right?

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You would think that Syfy would let Piranha 3DD sweep through theaters on June 1, with its deadly armies of razor-toothed creatures and the promise of all the naked breasts and torn-apart bodies in glorious 3-D. But instead the network has decided to shove out its own take on the “deadly amphibious creatures” genre lickedy split—and it shows, as Piranhaconda looks like a low-grade porno with special effects dropped in from iMovie.

Piranhaconda was made in 2011 and stars a bunch of barely-recognizable actors who look like other stars. So if you squint, it’s almost as if Rob Lowe and Diane Lane are the adventurers who wind up on the receiving end of this part-snake/part-fish’s wrath. Adding to the amateur-porn feel, the snake apparently spits up its eggs onto the female cast members’ ample bosoms. Yeah, it’s that kind of movie.

And if you have basic cable, then you don’t have to pay anything for it when it comes out on June 16th. You’ll probably laugh just as much as if you had coughed up the $15 for a movie ticket, so good job, Syfy.

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Photo: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

Our favorite version of Sacha Baron Cohen is when he’s mocking Hollywood and the American obsession with fame. So even though The Dictator is full of unfunny pube jokes, we’re heartened when we see Cohen roping in celebrities in promoting the movie. The best was when he “accidentally” dumped Kim Jong-Il’s ashes on Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars red carpet, and we know from the trailer that he manages to combine Megan Fox and Kim Kardashian in one joke.

His latest publicity stunt seems to be a mix of the two: He was recently photographed at Cannes with Elisabetta Canalis, first canoodling on a yacht… and then pretending to harass and murder her. Let’s look at the photographic evidence.

Photo: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

At first, things seemed fairly run-of-the-mill: Gorgeous celebrity cavorts with rich, less attractive man in the middle of the sea, but just close enough for the photogs to capture. At least General Aladeen knows how to woo a lady.

Photo: FameFlynet Pictures

Everything seems to be going well as they apply sunscreen to each other’s sunkissed bodies. But then either he flashes Elisabetta — or as the photos from Perez Hilton imply, she asked to look at his package — and she rejects him with a slap to the face.

Photo: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

Maybe he won’t let her take the photos to TMZ, but something has Aladeen motivated enough to start dragging Elisabetta below deck.

Photo: FameFlynet

And then they threw a body bag over the edge of the boat. Thankfully it was just a bunch of visuals without any context, because we can’t handle another “American women are whores” joke. Although he would be within his rights to mock the lengths to which people will go to stay famous; obviously Elisabetta’s breakup with George Clooney has had her taking on publicity stunts she wouldn’t have had to consider were she still George’s arm candy.

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