I’ve always known that I was geeky, that I was just off-base enough to care more about books and TV shows than my peers. I first logged online to write fanfiction in 2000, and I’ve been part of dozens of fan communities over the past twelve years. Something I’ve always valued about that time, of being a fan of obscure stuff, was that I also clearly understood that just because I loved something, didn’t mean everyone else did too. Thankfully, I was never bullied, though I’ll always remember the disappointment of freshman year of high school when I caught up with my best friend and started chattering about the latest episode of Buffy, only for her to shush me and say, “Zutter, we can’t talk about that stuff, we’re in public.”

Because of incidents like that, and I think also because I involve myself in a lot of social groups (New York media, theater, comics, etc.), I think I can sometimes “pass” as a non-geek, or at least not appear as geeky as I actually am. So here I’m going to lay out for you which aspects of pop culture I obsess over. If you share them, let’s talk! If not, share in the comments what makes you geek out.

In no particular order, here’s my list:

1. The Star Wars: Extended Universe novels: These were my bread and butter all through junior high. My dad got me into the Star Wars original trilogy when I was eight, so when I discovered a few years later that there were novels — dozens of them! — detailing what happened to Luke, Leia, and Han after the second Death Star got destroyed, and that we got to meet more relatable characters like Jacen and Jaina Solo, I was hooked. My family would regularly visit my grandparents in Germany, and I remember one summer my mom bought me seven of the Young Jedi Knights books (each about the size of a traditional novella) and wouldn’t let me read them until our flight. It was torture.

2. Tetris: My mom didn’t allow my sister and me to have a video game console growing up because she believed that we would get addicted. She was probably right, as my wide-eyed hours on the Internet years later would prove. But for the same reason of taking long transatlantic flights as a kid, I was allowed to have a GameBoy Color. I own only a handful of games because they seemed so expensive back then ($30, I think): Star Wars Pod Racer, Super Mario Bros., Pokémon, and Tetris.

Man, was I good at Tetris. I’d devote literal hours to a single game, digging myself into holes and then pulling through at the last minute. My record high score is somewhere around 1.4 million; since I can’t find any stats for the GameBoy Color version of the game and because my thumbs cramped up after that game, I’m going to assume that I must have broken some record. (Anyone who wants to help out/correct me, please do!)

3. Fanfiction: When discussing fandom with people, my ex would often say, “Oh, did you know that Natalie is the well-known fanfic author [my screen name]?” I would get so uncomfortable when he’d say that, a) because it was a dorky name that I’m not sharing with you and you’ll never find on Google, and b) because I wrote all that stuff when I was twelve years old.

However, in the past few years I’ve become a lot more comfortable with what I call the “training wheels” period of my writing career: By borrowing other people’s characters, I practiced setting up elaborate plots and keeping familiar characteristics consistent throughout dramatic twists and romantic dramas. Plus, the writing communities on LiveJournal have been more supportive than anything I’ve encountered with original writing; and yeah, I’m sort of well-known, at least in Tamora Pierce circles. I even dabble occasionally in fanfic, and hold fanfic nights with my roommates.

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I can’t make this stuff up.

Alison Brie was on Conan last night talking about her college experience which, in case you missed it, was spent at California Institute of the Arts, a school in Valencia which was also attended by such luminaries as Julie Taymor, David Hasselhoff, and Pee Wee Herman. It was also, incidentally…a clothing-optional institution. (Except, as Alison pointed out, in the cafeteria, which strikes both of us as an exceedingly good rule.)

SO. I bet you’re wondering if anyone ever actually took advantage of that rule. Well apparently Alison did. She says that periodically — “not all the time” — she would put on sneakers and jog naked through the campus, just to ‘exercise her right’. Conan is pretty baffled by this revelation (as was I), and I think Alison felt the need to explain that she was doing it more for humor than for attention, because she she continued:

“Well or, like I said, for comedy…it would be like if my roommate was having a bad day and I wanted to make her laugh to feel better, I would sort of pretend like I was gonna go take a shower, but then I would sneak outside and like hang from the tree outside our window…like a monkey. Like a naked monkey. Like, naked.”

That is the best and most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all day. I want to know if there are human beings going about their lives who have seen Alison Brie hanging nude from a tree and eating a banana.

…actually the banana part was an exaggeration on my part. It was out of line and I’m sorry. Let’s just leave it at ‘naked monkey’ so that nobody gets embarrassed.

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• Naturally this man married a sex mannequin. Like, why not. You do you sex mannequin man! (The Frisky)

• How to crack the shy guy. I suggest a quick “boo” but you might want to read this and see if that’s good advice (CollegeCandy)

• Is it poor form to flirt when you’re in a relationship? Well, first let’s define flirt. (Gurl)

• Don’t fear the LDR! You can go the distance! I believe in you! (College Crush)

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When Kristen Stewart read Fifty Shades of Grey earlier this week, I joked that it was basically her audition for the part of Anastasia Steele. The thing is, Kristen is who Twilight fans have long envisioned as Anastasia, considering that Fifty Shades originated as the fanfic Master of the Universe years ago. Back before E.L. James published her fic as a legitimate novel, it had a rabid online fanbase who treated it the way they would any other piece of work: They created photo manips for the main characters.

Photo manipulations are pieces of fan art put together that usually insert actors’ heads onto strangers’ bodies to pair together characters (or celebrities) that the fan wants to see together in lieu of actual photos of them canoodling. I’ve seen Harry Potter fans make manips of Harry and Draco, or other pairings that aren’t canon and will never be acted out in real life.

Since Anastasia and Christian Grey are Bella and Edward, it’s not surprising that there’s a bevy of Master of the Universe fan art starring Kristen and Robert Pattinson. Fans have a lot of material available to them, from the Twilight films to photo shoots to the actors’ non-Twilight films with other stars. (And consider that this was long before the infamous Breaking Dawn wedding night scene!) Going through Tumblr and YouTube, I’ve compiled the following gallery of photo manips and fake trailers/tribute videos. It’s NSFW if you have a really conservative office/classroom; I’ve tried to shy away from anything too explicit.

Happy Friday!

Didoo Doodle on Tumblr

If I’m not mistaken, the creator of this tribute video uses footage from Secretary, a very fitting choice, to fill in all the blanks of the story.

twifans via QueenKingFish on Tumblr

Eyes Wide Shut is the taboo film sampled for this fake trailer, though the YouTuber does a great job of incorporating a lot of Twilight footage out of context, like Bella thrashing around having a nightmare.

candykizzes24 on Tumblr

Though this one starts out looking like a perfume ad, it’s pretty racy. Also, I don’t know where they got a lot of this footage from—photo shoots?

melbietoast on Tumblr

mia47 on Tumblr

Yeah, I can almost buy RPattz as a successful businessman here. I would’ve liked to see more of Bella Swan’s lip-biting, since that’s the stage that Anastasia is at in the beginning of Master/Fifty Shades.

melbietoast on Tumblr

The best video I’ve seen, and interestingly, the only one in color.

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Joe Jonas was on Punk’d last night, and the internet world is now abuzz with his un-punk-ability (definitely a word) after he figured out the prank in the first five minutes.

The prankstress was Heather Morris, who plays Brittany, the lovably dumb Cheerio on Glee, and she set up for Joe to be brought to a house, supposedly to meet up with some friends. On his way in, he passed a man who asked for help carrying a flat-screen television out of the house. Joe’s a nice kid, so he helped him out and helped the guy put the TV in his large white van, which was idling nearby. Once inside the house, Joe and his friend (who I don’t think was in on it) found the two homeowners tied up with those plastic ties, and most of their valuables missing.

In an ideal world, once Joe started getting questioned by the homeowners about his part in the crime, and once the police showed up and started making the same conclusion, the middle Jonas would’ve been freaking out thinking that he helped burglars rob the place. But instead, he couldn’t stop smiling, and when the officers asked him his name, he calmly said ‘Tom Cruise’, giving the rest of the team watching the exchange the first indication that he knew something was up. When the cop then asked for his e-mail address, Joe said he’d type it in himself, and typed in ‘Nice try homeboy’ on the man’s phone. Then the guy challenged him again, asking if he was getting smart with him, and insisted that Joe tell him exactly what happened. In Joe’s own words:

“Um, I came to this house to get Punk’d, and you guys did a pretty good job.”

Wah wahhhh. Prank ruined for prankers, made totally awesome for watchers and Jonas fans. Apparently Joe had just done a hidden-camera show, so he spotted the prank before he was even inside the house. Pretty awesome to watch it get turned around back on the pranksters every once in a while.

The actors never fully revealed that it was a prank, and Heather Morris covered by saying, “Who knew there was a smart Jonas”, but we can see that’s just sour grapes. Better luck next time, Punk’d. And it’ll have to be waaaayyy better now that you’ve already failed once, and Joe knows you’re gunning for him…

Bwahahaha.

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Britney Spears

Nevermind the fact that it’s been years since Britney completely broke down — it seems like the network was really banking on her still being a mess. Ever since it all went down in 2007 (five years ago!), the media can’t let go of the little ‘signs and signals’ that she’s going back there. All I’ve been reading about lately is news outlets reporting on her obvious state of nerves as evidenced by her ‘chewed up fingernails that she forgot to hide‘, or the fact that she ‘stormed off the set‘ after a contestant butchered her song ‘Hold It Against Me’. Later many sources retracted the story about her storming off-set, after she responded that she was just taking a break, and wasn’t upset.

Sigh. What a lot of coverage for one person on one reality show. Considering Britney’s a judge on the show, it seems like she’s taking a lot more heat so far than any of the contestants. I wish I could say it was a coincidence, but the judges seem desperate to mine any signs of instability out of her, even at the risk of her own health. It’s sad to see producers putting the show ratings ahead of the health of one of its judges, but it really does seem to me that that’s what’s going on.

What do you think?

(Image: redcarpet-fashionawards.com)

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He went on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon this week and revealed his latest pick-up technique.

It’s not okay. So just know that before you read this that you will not be turned on by what he says. Because it’s skeezy. And trying really hard. Not very Montana Zen at all.

So here goes.

He picked up 50 Shades of Grey and sang a page. SANG A PAGE! Yes, we all know he can sing. But why would he think singing an erotic bestseller translated into an aphrodisiac. That’s so juvenile. And he’s 34, so shame on him.

Luckily for womankind, his lady-of-interest did not respond by ripping off her clothes and willing her boobs to grow 6 sizes bigger. No, in solidarity, she fell to the floor laughing.

Good job mystery woman!

And bad job John. Picking up the BSDM novel doesn’t suddenly turn you into Christian Grey and her into Anastasia Steele. If that’s houw reading popular fiction worked, I’d be halfway through Hogwarts by now.

Sounds like someone needs to go back to Montana and re-zen himself. This isn’t the way I expected him to act now that’s he a mature recording artist. What’s next? John showing sideboob on the red carpet? I can’t bear to think of it.

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Of course this makes perfect sense, since as a Millennial one Jay-Z song I’ve always known is “Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)” from my Now 2 CD. As you probably know, he sampled the orphans’ squeaky song for this 1999 single and added a layer of gravitas to the already grim song.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it were baby Blue Ivy who inspired Jay to join up for this long-gestating remake. After all, within days of her birth he’d already sampled her cries to mix into his track “Glory.” As a new father, of course he’d have a soft spot for the tale of Annie melting Daddy Warbuck’s icy heart.

But the most pertinent question is, will Willow Smith keep her current short hair to match Annie’s original red bob, or will she have grown it back out/gotten a weave so she can whip her hair back and forth? I’m totally serious, I could actually envision the Annie of 2012 doing just that.

Photo: Ace Showbiz

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Maybe it’s the fact that long weekends always make me emotional or the fact that I’m still coming to terms with my feelings on the Revenge finale,  but this original wedding song from comedian Bryan Lacey just made me want to get married. Like, right now. I need to get married right now so a man can serenade me with original music.

If anyone reading this ever considered marrying me, now is the time to reach out and propose. I’ll say yes. I always wanted to overshadow my friend’s Memorial Day BBQ with a surprise engagement. Always.

So according to some limited googling, Bryan Lacey is a British comedian who wrote this song for his wife Hannah on her wedding day. It’s cute, it’s funny and it’s everything a viral wedding video should be.

Watch the video above, fall in love and then memorize the lyrics below. As one person says during the recording, “it’s brilliant!”

You know me you know me inside out
You can tell when I’m hungry and ready to shout
I know you were sent from heaven above
I can see in your eyes when you want to make cakes for me

and we should have another holiday
but everybody says that 3 holidays every year is just greedy
but they’ve never seen you in a bikini

and I, I really love you
and I, i’ll never hurt you
and I love you more everyday
I just can’t wait for my hooters sundays with you
Sundays with you…
We watch crap tv, have a long dog walk
to many beers and a belly of pork with…..

You and me
and we’ll grow old and grey each day
I wouldn’t want to have it any other way!
And I’ll love you no matter what you do
I’d follow you from here right to Timbuktu
and you’d love me no matter who I am
even if I Iived in a caravan in Hull

I saw you as soon as you walked in the bar
I watched you move from a far
Now how would I get near to this beauty queen
its a good job she fell for the ‘Lacey Lean’

and I, I’d never met you
but I, I felt I knew you

It took one wink and a couple of drinks
looking back now its crazy to think
that a few years later I’d be down on one knee
in the empire state asking you to marry me
Well I must be blessed because you said yes
It’s a good job you like men with hairy chests

and I, I can’t believe that you
you want to be with
me from now till the day that we die
I’ll be your Bear Grylls
but I cannot survive with out….You and me
and we’ll grow old and grey each day
I wouldn’t want to have it any other way!
And I love you and i’ll be your man
despite the fact your dads a Chelsea fan
and you’ll love me, you’ll love me just the same
even when we need matching Zimmer frames my love

Why you’re with me is a mystery to me
I’m batting well above my average
‘cos you’re out of my league
I put it down to fate
I’m punching well above my weight
but now that ring is on your finger there’s no getting away from

You and me
and we’ll grow old and grey each day
I wouldn’t want to have it any other way!
And I’ll love you, Love you like crazy
even when you start to need tenna lady
and you’ll still think i’m as cute as a badger
even when I start need Viagra love

If you like it you’d better put a ring on it
If you want it you’d better put a ring on it
If you like it you’d better put a ring on it
If you want it you’d better put a ring on it
If you like it you’d better put a ring on it
If you want it you’d better put a ring on it
If you like it you’d better put a ring on it
yeah I want it and I put a ring on it forYou and me
and we’ll grow old and grey each day
I wouldn’t want to have it any other way!
and I’ll love you like a precious gift
even when you start to need a stannah stair lift
and i’ll still be the man you adore
even when I dribble and I start to snore
and you will be the apple of my eye
especially when you bring me a nice pork pie
and you’ll love me no matter what I do
even if I fart and I follow through

and I love you, I love you no matter what you do
and I love you, I’d follow you from here right to Timbuktu
and I love you, I love you no matter what you do
and I love you, I’d follow you from here right to Timbuktu

and you’d love me no matter who I am
even if I lived in a caravan…..in Hull.

(Photo: Daily Mail)

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Rumor has it that Reese Witherspoon might be the surrogate for Beyonce‘s second baby.

We initially uncovered this shocking story while we were investigating whether or not Reese is actually pregnant. In the process of trying to locate a medical professional to go to wherever she is and poke her belly (that plan was still in the early stages), we came in contact with an OB/GYN who is not Reese’s OB/GYN, but is an ‘OB/GYN To The Stars’*.  She is willing to testify that based on a brief preliminary external visual scan of pictures of Reese’s belly through her clothes, Reese is almost certainly carrying Beyonce’s next baby.

Supporting her prognosis, an unnamed source outside the pregnancy stepped forward and was able to determine that the fetus is almost certainly probably female, and that Beyonce and Jay-Z most likely are 100% intending to name her ‘Yellow Vine Carter‘. (Sources inside the pregnancy were unavailable for comment, as they are still in utero and incapable of speech and cognitive understanding.) Thus we are unable to entirely confirm this story, but it definitely seems like it might be true.

As if you needed more proof — we were as skeptical as you. This rumor that we’re starting originally sounded far-fetched to us, as well, but as of 10:00am this morning, two-thirds** of our office was in agreement that it was almost certainly allegedly true.

Sources who have heard of both Beyonce and Reese Witherspoon before confirmed the news, saying, “Those are two ladies I’ve seen in the same magazine before, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they knew each other and wanted to share babies.” That’s all we needed to hear. Beyonce has been denying for months that she used a surrogate for her first pregnancy, and Reese Witherspoon is always wanting us to think that a.) She’s actually pregnant and that b.) It’s not a tiny version of Beyonce in there. It’s interesting to point out that neither celebrity has even addressed these rumors. Can you think of a more obvious sign of guilt??

We can’t (and won’t) stop speculating on what’s going to happen. What if Reese Witherspoon doesn’t want to give up the baby? What if she insists it’s hers and not Beyonce’s? What if Jay-Z shacks up with Reese instead? The options are endless, and they’re all really super incredibly likely to potentially happen.

Well personally we can’t wait to see the baby, and to hear Reese’s excuse for sleeping with Jay-Z even though Beyonce apparently asked her to do it in the first place, she just was assuming she’d use a turkey baster and now she’s furious. It’ll be interesting to see how this love triangle plays out.

It’s a lot of drama for a Friday but it’s almostprobablydefinitelyalittlebitmostlikelyentirely true. And whatever…you’re the one who clicked it.

*Further research has revealed that this OB/GYN is unlicensed and may not actually be an OB-GYN, but in fact an astrologist.

**In fairness, at the time the poll was administered, only two of our three on-site employees had arrived at work.

(Images: People.com, hollywoodnose.com)

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