TheGloss

How Original Is Your Birthday?

Jessica Pauline Ogilvie — Wed, 16 May 2012 21:57:27 +0000

You guys, I have to be honest, this is kind of depressing. I really like my September 28 birthday (feel free to send gifts), but according to this chart it is literally one of the most common birthdays you can have. It all feels so…cheap now.

[via The Daily What]

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Gallery: Jennifer Lopez Wears Swimsuits, Shows She’s Still Got It In Vogue

Jamie Peck — Wed, 16 May 2012 21:36:46 +0000

In the June issue of Vogue, pop star/actress/The Voice judge Jennifer Lopez can be seen wearing various designer bathing suits and demonstrating that she still has “it” despite the fact that at 42, she’s well over the age at which most Hollywood starlets are taken behind the woodshed and shot. But what does “it” even mean? Here, I will venture to guess what “it” is that J-Lo has in each of her swimsuit photos. Besides a gravity-defying ass and aristocratic bone structure, I mean.

(Via Vogue)

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This Man Is A Hero

Jennifer Wright — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:51:04 +0000

This man will not be denied his fried fish.

Basically, this 350 pound man ate 12 servings of fried fish, then had 8 more. He ate all the fried fish. And now he will picket. Even though it provided him with a pretty substantial amount. He is picketing every weekend. Presumably forever.

HAHAHAHAHAAH.

Why is his gluttony so delightful!?

Really, this is everything wrong with the world we live in, which is probably why this concept was already parodied on The Simpsons. I do not care. I want him to have the freedom to be a super-glutton. I want fishmongers to keep their promises. Their crispy, salty, battered promises.

He looks so tired, too. Why? Because they did not give him enough fish to keep up his energy for this continued crusade.

This shit never would have happened if Jesus had been around.

MORE FISH FOR THIS MAN! MORE LOAVES, TOO!

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This 1948 ‘PsychoQuiz’ Will Help You Determine Whether You’re Masculine Or Feminine

Jamie Peck — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:43:31 +0000

If you think gender essentialism is ridiculous now, imagine how bad it was back in 1948!

Published the year before my mom was born, this 1948 “PSYCHOQUIZ” was just that: a fairly psycho quiz designed to determine if your interests were more “masculine” or “feminine.” (There’s a larger version here.) It includes questions about gardening (men like to grow food, while women do not), recreation (crabbing versus dancing) and drapes, the last of which I suspect is a trick question because real men don’t care about drapes. The reading question makes my blood boil the most, though, because how can someone be a Schwarzenegger of the brain without reading both fiction and non-fiction?

The paragraph beneath is notable because you can tell it’s trying so hard to be progressive while remaining mired in the same vaguely Freudian, gender essentialist bullshit that characterized modern psychology up until rather recently. Amid all the discussion of “masculine” and “feminine” preferences, nowhere does it justify why certain things are necessarily masculine or feminine. They just are because they are, okay?

What did you score on the quiz? I scored a “fuck you,” because I dislike socially constructed gender roles.

(Via Buzzfeed)

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Would You Kill Someone Over A Bad Mother’s Day Gift?

Jennifer Wright — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:29:41 +0000

There are no chocolates inside. Only death.

Consult this quiz to check.

Well, some lady did! The Huffington Post reports:

Paige Parkerson, 20, is charged with first-degree felony murder in the death of Clifton “JR” Barkin, the 22-year-old father of her two children…Wright [Barkin's mother] last saw her son at 11:30 p.m. the previous night, when she dropped him off at the home he shared with Parkerson, according to the Enterprise. Just before that, Wright had driven Clifton to Walmart so he could purchase flowers and a Mother’s Day card for Parkerson. Wright believes that her son’s fiancée attacked him because she expected a more lavish gift.

God, in retrospect, he really should have gone to Jared.

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Dating Hijinks: He Made An Omelet; I Cried.

Amanda Chatel — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:02:22 +0000

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

The worst part about dating, for me anyway, is the emotional baggage from past relationships that comes with it. Even if the new person is nothing like the old person, I always find ways to make the two overlap somehow, which ultimately leads to sabotaging the new situation.

Despite my extraordinary efforts to “nip it in the bud,” as they say, Tattoo Guy is still in the picture. Tattoo Guy is pretty much the opposite of the majority of guys I’ve ever dated. For starters, he’s older than me by two years — this is a first for me, as all the other fellas have been younger by at least a few years or more. He’s sweet, yet not so much when I need him to be otherwise (i.e., in the bedroom.), and he says really charming things to me. Granted, he could be lying, but let’s take it at face value and assume he really does think I’m pretty and witty and fun and whatever other malarkey came out of his mouth this morning. I also love the way he looks at me.

While these are indeed contrasts to previous fellas, he also, like every one before him, likes to cook. The guy is always cooking; it’s exhausting to watch these elaborate meals he makes at three o’clock in the morning. Where he gets the energy to whip up these masterpieces after inflicting pain on others all day long is a mystery to me, so I just disregard it, have a few bites of whatever he’s concocted, then wander into my bedroom.

However, last week Tattoo Guy fucked up a wee bit. What did he do? He made me an omelet. Sure, it may seem insignificant, but for me it is not. The last person to make me an omelet, the person who was always making us omelets at all hours of the day and night was Swede. One wouldn’t think that such a kind and thoughtful gesture on the part of Tattoo Guy would result in an emotional breakdown, but it did. Like any irrational person, I refused to eat it and locked myself in the bathroom. OK, I didn’t lock it, because Swede had kicked it in not once but twice so it no longer locks, but I did shut the door, turned on the shower and proceeded to cry. Some people cry over spilled milk, while I apparently cry over a few broken eggs.

When I finally pulled my shit together, I came out of the bathroom and explained that I just wasn’t feeling well. I also, a day later, explained the truth (I really need to nip this maturity thing in the bud as well.) Since then Tattoo Guy has made a few more omelets which he has all but tried to shove down my throat so as to help me get over my irrational behavior, but I’ve yet to give in to his omelet demands. However, I’ve stopped crying over his omelet making, and that alone shows I’m progressing. I think. Although if he really wants to see me eat for a change, he should bake me a few dozen cupcakes. Swede never liked cupcakes.

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Poll: Do You Weigh Yourself Regularly?

Jessica Pauline Ogilvie — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:00:50 +0000

In a recent interview with People magazine, Janet Jackson said that she never weighs herself.

“I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost, only because I stay away from the scale,” she said. “I don’t think [stepping on the scale] is healthy. You’re setting yourself up to fail.”

I am actually in the same boat. I haven’t owned a scale since high school, because I know that if I start weighing myself with any regularity I will become unhealthily obsessed with the number I see and start worrying about everything I eat. As far as I’m concerned, if I’m eating well, exercising, and my pants fit, I’m doing fine.

But some people can’t exist without knowing those numbers, and I wonder where you, my Gloss reading friends, fall.

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Video: Karl Lagerfeld Made A Music Video With Snoop Dogg, Is A ‘Schwarzenegger Of The Brain’

Jamie Peck — Wed, 16 May 2012 19:49:43 +0000

Just when you think you know The Kaiser, he turns around and surprises you with something even more resplendently ridiculous than anything he’s ever done before.

In the music video for French pop star Jean Roch‘s song “Saint-Tropez” (featuring Snoop Dogg!), Karl Lagerfeld has a small but stirring cameo, kicking things off with a ringing endorsement of the luxury vacation spot. Surrounded by fluffy clouds, the singer asks the godlike designer (dressed in white, naturally) “is it paradise?” “You were never told that Saint-Tropez is paradise?” he replies sagely, at which point the Doggfather kicks things off in earnest.

While I am getting a little bit worried that Snoop Dogg is just saying yes to everything he’s offered these days (cf. Katy Perry), he’s never met a video he can’t imbue with greatness, and this one is no exception. Even if it does remind me a little bit of that 30 Rock Countess LuAnn parody “La Piscine”:

In other Lagerfeldian news, he told The Telegraph that he reads lots of books to keep his brain in shape, saying “I am a brain-bodybuilder. Schwarzenegger of the brain.” Clearly, he used up his last shred of humility apologizing to Adele.

(Via Fashionista)

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Let’s Rank Johnny Depp’s Costumes

Jennifer Wright — Wed, 16 May 2012 19:38:08 +0000

But first, a word about Dark Shadows.

People seem very indignant about the movie. I heard on fellow remark that “this was our thing, and Tim Burton wasn’t allowed to take it away from us!”

Really? You were around in 1966?

Fortunately, I was!

Dark Shadows was a terrible show. I mean, it was campy and hilarious, but it was on at 4:00 in the afternoon and its prime market was schoolchildren. It was famous largely because budgetary constraints meant actors had to do everything in one take, so they periodically forget other characters names. And it was nicknamed “mike shadows” because of the number of times you see the boom mike being lowered in front of people.

It wasn’t a sacred relic. The new movie is pretty funny, and Eva Green looks absolutely smashing in a red sequined dress. It’s fine.

Now.

Let’s rank all of Johnny Depps costumes in every move.

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Bill Murray Dressed Like A Crazy Clown At Cannes

Ashley Cardiff — Wed, 16 May 2012 19:30:08 +0000

The Cannes film festival is underway and the cast of Moonrise Kingdom is out promoting it in the French sunshine (not the other sunshines). Moreover, mythical figure himself Bill Murray rolled up to the photocall dressed like, well, a fashion blogger. He mixed so many prints! Three prints! That’s more than BryanBoy and the others ones when they’re trying to get the attention of street style photographers.

…Only it’s a lot less annoying when Bill Murray does it. The actor topped off his clashing plaids with a patchwork blazer and Ray-Ban Wayfarers. Here is beside costar and beautiful lady Tilda Swinton (in Haider Ackermann):

Scale of 1 to 10, do you care about Cannes (1o being you are in Cannes)?

Photos via Getty

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