babyshrink.com

How to Talk to Kids: A Great Book

Dr. Heather — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 03:07:05 +0000

Our 6-year-old is in the throes of a really anxious phase. He often needs to be reassured about where we are, even if we’re all just in the house. He’s afraid to go to sleep at night. And he’s terrified of “ET”, a classic we allowed the babysitter to show the kids one night. You’d think my shrink-training would help in these situations, but often it doesn’t. You know how it goes: When it comes to your own kids, rational knowledge goes out the window.

Intellectually, I remind myself that 6-year-olds aren’t rational creatures yet. They can’t hang on to the logical reassurances we give them. They haven’t reached the stage where logic “sticks” in their minds. In many ways, they’re still like preschoolers; apt to live in the “magical world” of fantasy, imagination, and fears.

But when he’s scared out of his wits, part of me wants to scream, “Snap out of it! We’re not leaving you, we never have, and we never will! Enough, already, and go to sleep!”

So I’m calling in reinforcements. I’ve pulled an awesome book off my shelf and am reminded why I think this is one of the world’s best parenting guides. If you haven’t seen it, go spend 10 bucks on Amazon for the paperback version, or check it out of your library. You’ll refer to it again and again (and I promise, I get no “cut” from promoting anything here). It’s called “Between Parent and Child”, by Dr. Haim Ginott. It was first published a million years ago, but it couldn’t be more appropriate today. His sensitivity and approach to dealing with children simply can’t be matched. Reading Ginott again has lifted a weight from my shoulders and reminded me that all will be well with our son, soon enough. It’s also given me lots of good ideas for how to approach this phase-specific anxiety he’s going through.

I hope you enjoy it!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Tips for a Toddler Tinkling (and Screaming) in the Bath

Dr. Heather — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:13:55 +0000

Hi Dr. Heather,

My husband and I are hoping you can shed some light on a concern we have for our son who is 27 months old.

Over the last month during bath time, my son has peed in the bath 3 separate times, and without fail he would then ‘hold himself’ while crying/screaming hysterically! This has continued during every bath time where he is screaming like we have never seen. He doesn’t necessarily pee every time, but since the first occasion… then a second, and a third… his screaming has continued.

Even when he doesn’t pee in the tub, he still holds himself and is screaming almost like he doesn’t like the water hitting his ‘manhood’? We have tried new toys and bubbles; to all of which have not work or helped. We even tried to have him try to go potty before the bath but doesn’t go.

I must say also, that he is not potty trained yet but we are working on it.

We are not sure why he’s continually freaking out with or without the pee.

If you could please help and how we can overcome it we would be extremely grateful.

Regards,

Atlanta Mom

Hi Atlanta Mom,

Sudden fears of the bath at this age are quite common. One of my most-Googled posts has to do with sudden bath fears; I’ll post the link below.

In regards to his “manhood”, perhaps he’s upset that he couldn’t control it; on some level he’s starting to get the idea that “pee-pee does not belong in the tub”, yet he was unable to control himself those few times. So he’s really upset with himself and in conflict about the whole bath/potty training thing. (And of course I assume his penis doesn’t bother him any other time — like there’s not a urinary tract infection or something — also, some kinds of soap and bubble bath can be irritating. I assume that’s not it, but check it out.)

Talk to him about potty training, where pee-pee belongs, and how he accidentally peed in the tub; use a matter-of fact tone, with no scolding or worry in your voice. See if you can make it like a silly joke, so he doesn’t feel so bad. “Does pee pee belong in the tub? NO, silly! But that’s OK! We’ll keep trying and one day for sure you’ll get it!”

In the meantime, try some of the tips in my post linked below for bathtime fears, including letting him stand by the bath and playing with the water, until he feels comfortable getting back in the tub. Keep reassuring him, and go at his pace. Hang in there, I promise this will pass!

Here’s my Bathtime Fears Post:

http://babyshrink.com/2008/08/help-my-toddler-suddenly-hates-the-bath.html

Good luck and keep usposted!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Tips for a Mom Desperate to Potty Train her Toddler

Dr. Heather — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 03:58:55 +0000

One of my most frequently-asked questions is along the lines of one I recently received:

Dear Dr. Heather,

My daughter will be 3 in Sept. She absolutely refuses to use the potty. When I take her in the morning it seems she will hold it - even though her diaper is dry- until I give up. That can be up to 20 minutes. I’ve tried everything. Books, videos, Pull-Ups. She doesn’t even care if she wets herself. I am so very weary of putting big girl panties on her for fear that she will wet herself again!

Signed,

A Desperate Mom

I can certainly relate. I’ve experienced all sorts of variations on the potty training theme here in the BabyShrink household with our 3 young children. But this is one of the big issues that CAN’T BE RUSHED.

Here’s my response to “Desperate”, along with a link to one of my more popular posts on the subject.

Dear Desperate Mom,

She is giving you a very clear message — that she’s not ready yet! Save yourself (and her) the aggravation and bust out the diapers for another few weeks before you try again; and next time, follow her lead. This is not something you can force. Hang in there!

And here’s a link to my most popular potty training post, for more details.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Moving to a New Home with Young Kids

Dr. Heather — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:32:40 +0000

One of the things I love about BabyShrink is the ability get to know some of my readers over time. Tim had questions last year about his son’s distaste for haircuts. But I recently heard from him again, with questions about an impending move. Tim is clearly very tuned-in to his kids’ developmental needs and seems like a great Dad! I was thrilled to get a couple of updates from him on how things went:

Hi Dr. Heather,

I sent you a question last year:

http://babyshrink.com/2008/04/haircutting-fea.html

Thanks to some of your suggestions (and, perhaps, the passage of time), he no longer fusses like he used to…although he doesn’t necessarily look forward to haircuts.

A new issue that we are dealing with for both my son, now 4, and our 2-year old daughter is our impending move to a new town.

We currently live in a row home that is just around the corner from their daycare center and my place of employment. In three weeks, we are moving about fifteen miles away to a single-family home in a new town. From our perspective, this house offers the kids larger bedrooms (my son’s room does not currently allow enough space for a twin bed), a play/family room, a park and playground right across the street, a bigger yard with room for a vegetable garden (something we did last year at our local park) and a short walk to their future elementary school.

Of course, we realize that none of this may matter initially as we turn their world upside down. We’ve been preparing the kids for months, our son especially, and he’s only shown fleeting cues of this upsetting him. He has been acting out a bit more, but we can’t tell if it’s just part of his normal development or related to the move (or even picking up on our own stress over issues related to the move).

Luckily, they will continue to attend the same daycare, so a big portion of their days will offer a familiar routine. And, both do fairly well when we travel staying in unfamiliar environments or spending weekends with grandparents.

Any advice you can give on making this transition as smooth as possible would be great. Two specific questions I have:

1. The kids will spend a weekend with my mom while we do the bulk of packing and moving, but we plan on spending our final night together in the house. Any thoughts on something special we can do to give them some closure?

2. Should we immediately set up my son’s new bed or allow him to keep his familiar toddler bed?

Thanks,
Tim

Hi Tim!

Sounds like you have carefully thought through many of the issues. At the ages of your kids, moves can really be fairly simple. You may have a few days of adjustment, but overall, young children do pretty well with moves. They can’t understand much in advance, but that’s OK. They will base their reaction on YOUR reaction. They’ll look to you as parents for how to handle this. If you are organized, confident and excited about the move (and understanding that they may have some reaction), they will likely pick up their cues from you.

In terms of “closure”, stick with something simple. Waving “bye bye” to the new house, saying a few simple things like “thank you for being a wonderful house for us!” would be fine. Then really talk up the excitement of the new place.

In terms of the toddler bed, if you have the space, why not give him the choice and set up BOTH beds for awhile? Let him decide where to sleep each night. Some kids need transition time, but others are fine from night one. Experiment and see what works for him.

Did you catch this post from last year about moving? Check this out.

http://babyshrink.com/2008/06/moving-to-a-new.html

See if that helps, and let me know if you need some more suggestions.

Congrats on the new home!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Here’s Tim’s first update:

Dear Heather,

Thanks! And congratulations on the new baby!

I’m already feeling better about this. He took pictures of both our old and new house in to school today and seemed to enjoy showing his friends. After school he wanted to take more pictures of the old house “to make a scrapbook.” We have some friends who live near the new house, but we don’t get to see more than once or twice a year. I’m going to see if we can arrange a playdate so that the kids can see how close they will be. I’m thinking that will give them something else to look forward to.

And Tim’s second update:
Now that we’ve been in our new home for a week, I wanted to give you an update. Both my 4-year old son and 2-year old daughter have adjusted nicely, even after throwing in a vacation over Memorial Day weekend.

Before the move, we arranged a play date with some old friends who happen to be new neighbors. The kids had a great time, and Delton eagerly told everyone the next day when he was moving. We explained to Julia how we were packing things to move on a truck, and she kept saying “move” and “truck” over and over that week.

They were fine, other than a few tears the night before our move:

With lots of help from family and friends, we set up their rooms first. New linens and easy-to-reach bookshelves were a hit. And my son went with his new big bed right away.

One surprise awaited them at our new house…kids! We are on a corner lot, and both our neighbors have preschoolers who were very eager to meet and play. In fact, they seemed to get together in the adjoining backyards every night after work, and we were all to happy to help their new friendships along.

Now all we need to do is get those boxes unpacked!

Thanks again,
Tim

How To Handle a 3-Year-Old’s Pestering

Dr. Heather — Thu, 28 May 2009 00:17:44 +0000

Dear Dr. Heather,

I have a 3 year-old daughter who is very strong willed and just won’t give in. For example, she wants me to get her ‘blanky’ which is lying around the house somewhere. I tell her no, you go and fetch it, then she says NO — I must fetch it — and so it goes on. I keep on telling her NO listen to mummy, but she just doesn’t stop and carries on, which drives me crazy. I try and ignore it, but she just continues on!!!

Help! How is the best way to go about it without giving in to her pestering???

Thanks,

English Mum

Dear Mum,

At this age, it comes down to this: Feed good behaviors. Starve the bad. (In terms of emotion and attention, of course.)

With parenting, I often recall the famous line in the movie Amadeus: “Too many notes!” But instead I tell parents, “Too many words!” Say what you mean, very simply, and then STOP TALKING. Look away. Convey by your body language that you’ve said what you’re going to say…and there’s no negotiation. Some parents feel somehow that it’s unfair to disallow negotiation with their children. But remember, a 3-year-old really isn’t capable of negotiation…but she IS capable of testing your limits and rules until you finally give in. Go ahead and give in, once in awhile, if it makes sense and works for you. But your overall message should be: Take what I say seriously. I’m in charge here. It doesn’t help to have a 3-year-old feel like she can be in charge; instead, it makes her worry that NOBODY is truly in charge.

I know it’s maddening, but you really must avoid extended discussions about it, and show her by your ACTIONS that you DON’T HEAR HER when she carries on like that. Explain to her once that “I know you are a big enough girl to find it yourself. Now, I am done talking about it. I don’t hear you anymore if you ask me for your blanket.” And then you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH with pretending not to hear her. Don’t get mad, take a deep breath, and expect a tantrum on her part. Also, expect the behavior to ESCALATE for awhile, until she gets the idea that you MEAN BUSINESS.

Them when she DOES find her blanket, and DOES calm down, PRAISE HER TREMENDOUSLY for being such a big girl and finding it herself. Praise and reinforcement of her good behavior is what you’re really striving for here. Don’t forget to praise her for even the smallest demonstrations of positive, nice attitudes and behavior. Eventually, she’ll get the picture, and quit testing you in this way…and start showing you how nicely she can find her own blanket.

If you’d like to read more on this topic, check out more on your Little Tyrant’s behavior here.

Good luck!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Helping Young Children Understand Feelings

Dr. Heather — Sat, 16 May 2009 03:44:07 +0000

Parents can start helping their kids to become emotionally “fluent” at a very early age. I recommend that parents keep a “running commentary” going, when observing social and emotional situations with their children. Start as young as 9 or 10 months, to get in the habit, and to convey the message that feelings are important in our family.

For instance, today, my 3-year-old was having trouble sharing with his 3-year-old neighbor. As the boys struggled, our neighbor began to cry. “See,” I said, “Your friend is sad and mad that you won’t share the toy motorcycle. Let’s see what happens if he has a turn.” After several false starts, I was able to encourage turn-taking between the boys. After they had some success for a few minutes, I praised them, reminding about how hard it was to accomplish. “See, now? You boys tried hard to share, and now you’re having such fun together. Great work!”

It’s situations just like these that build a child’s capacity to understand and respond appropriately to emotions of all kinds. Bit by bit, interaction by interaction, children grow their emotional skills; skills that are essential to successful negotiation of the world as adults.

It’s this foundation that I HOPE will serve our children well when they become teenagers, and need to figure out all sorts of wild and wacky social and emotional situations — without our help. When they’re little, we provide the “emotional training wheels”. We have to practice with them enough so that they’re ready to ride on their own — one day soon.

There’s some interesting research that backs this up. I just read a review article summarizing some research about the importance of mothers and their use of “running commentary” on emotional situations, and the later emotional adjustment of their children. Of course, I assume the effect is just as powerful for fathers.

If you’re interested, check out the article here.

In the meantime, happy emoting!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Pregnant with Baby #4 (and I Just Turned 41)

Dr. Heather — Tue, 12 May 2009 06:52:17 +0000

Dear Readers,

This post isn’t an emailed question from one of you. It’s from me, your BabyShrink.

I can finally come out with the news I’ve wanted to tell you for 18 weeks now: I’m pregnant!

This has come as somewhat of a surprise to us, although a very welcome one. Many of you recall we originally went through infertility treatments to get this ball rolling, but needed no help with babies #2, 3, and now 4. So here we are: a 4-for-1 deal!

My age is not the least of it. As an old lady of 41, my OB chart has “Advanced Maternal Age” stamped all over it. I’ve gone through several rounds of genetics screenings, and all the anxiety that goes along with it. I had killer morning sickness (uh, ALL-DAY sickness) for several weeks. But the worst part has been keeping the secret: from you, my coworkers, and even my kids. But we finally feel safe — at least safe ENOUGH — to break the exciting news.

So thanks to all of you for your patience; I’ve been remiss in posting quite as often as I’d like, and my response time to your questions has stretched out a bit. But I’ve been accumulating some heavy-duty experience that I hope will continue to help make BabyShrink fun, interesting and new.

Depending on your interest and questions, I’ll be posting some of the things I’ve learned these past several weeks. I expected to have a CVS (for early chromosomal testing) — and didn’t. Then I expected an amniocentesis — and didn’t have THAT, either. But there are some wild new screening procedures that helped us though that decision-making process, and these are all pretty new. I look forward to your questions about how to decide when, if, and how to make decisions about genetic testing in pregnancy, and all the strong emotions that can go along with the process.

And in the meantime, I’ve discovered that my good-old standby baby bottles — the ones that have gotten us through 3 babies — are no longer considered safe (due to the BPA). So I’ve got to learn about all the newest STUFF out there as well….and I LOVE baby “stuff”. So I’ll need your help in deciding what to buy (and what to skip) this time around.

I’ll also be asking for advice from those of you with large families. Having #4 feels exciting — but daunting. This is uncharted territory in both my family and my husband’s, so we need all the help we can get!

Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement, and I look forward to going on the rest of this exciting journey with you.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

The amygdala, babies, and Autism

Dr. Heather — Tue, 05 May 2009 18:49:17 +0000

Following up on yesterday’s post is an interesting new finding from the University of North Carolina, where researchers are confirming more evidence for an actual structural brain difference in babies with Autism.

Please excuse the “science geek” in me, but this stuff is really important for us to understand. It will help us to better diagnose and help even very young children with Autism-related difficulties, and it will help us to screen out those who SEEM to have Autism, but don’t (see yesterday’s post).

For my non-science-geek, non-shrink parent readers, this is the bottom line here: It’s important to really be watching the quality of your baby’s social development. Your baby’s glances, smiles, gestures and babbles in his first year of life tell you a TON about whether he’s developing normally. The article highlights the importance of “Joint Attention”, which is what your baby does to attract and sustain your attention, in order to share something interesting with you. If he likes doggies, when he sees one, he’ll try to get your attention so that YOU can see the doggie — and get excited by it — too. He’ll want to share his interests with you, even if he doesn’t yet have the words to tell you about them. By the end of his first year, you should see him doing this more and more. Children with Autism have trouble with this — and now we have more information as to why.

If you’re interested in more, check out the summary article here.

And as always, post a comment with your questions or thoughts, if you’d like.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Possible Autism Signs in the Young Infant

Dr. Heather — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:28:27 +0000

I’ve written before about the confusion and difficulty around the diagnosis of Autism in young children (before the age of 3).

My regular readers know that I’m a strong proponent of Early Intervention screening, and also of early intervention therapy services. This means having your local Child Development center see your child BEFORE the age of three, should you have any concerns about her development, social interaction, or communication skills.

But you also know that I am loathe to jump on the autism-hysteria bandwagon. I worry that there are many other problems that are being missed because we’re jumping to the Autism diagnosis too quickly. Issues of sensory, cognitive, medical, environmental, or even genetic problems can be missed when a diagnosis is made too quickly. Also, the range of child development is so wide, that what can SEEM abnormal may not be. And I blame my field; many of us are so concerned about the number of developmentally delayed children out there, and so few of us are adequately trained to truly evaluate for Autism in the early years, that too may children are mistakenly diagnosed as Autistic. And then their REAL problems go undetected — and untreated.

If I had a million bucks (or ten) I’d start a training foundation centered on the intensive training of Early Intervention clinicians in the detection and treatment of Autism-related conditions — and other problems that might SEEM like Autism, but are NOT. We need a nation-wide (heck, world-wide) training initiative so that psychologists, pediatricians, speech and language therapists, occupational therapists, special instruction teachers — indeed the whole range of Early Intervention professionals — can get the advanced training we all need in this very specialized area.

In the meantime, you can read this very interesting article at Time.com summarizing some of the newest research on signs of Autism in the very young infant. It also helps to explain why this is truly a very difficult disorder to diagnose in the early years. And if you missed it, there’s also a link to a popular post of mine on the diagnosis of Autism.

Click here for the Time.com article, and

click here for my own article on Autism.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

A great article on the challenges of motherhood

Dr. Heather — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:33:53 +0000

Moms have too much pressure. (Sorry, Dads: you have too much pressure too. But I think society puts more of the burden on moms.) It aggravates me when the media (and even our neighbors and family) depict motherhood as some kind of utopia, and when we can’t live up to that ideal, something must be wrong (with us).

That’s why I like to recommend writers who tell it like it is. I just came across this Oprah article and wanted to share it with you. Enjoy! And stay tuned: I have my own news to share with you in the next few days…!)

Click here for the Oprah article.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink