Back of the Room

The Entire History of America, Terrorism, and Jesus (Skipping all the wars, except the civil one)

2012-10-08T16:56:00.001-07:00

Some of my less informed friends on Facebook, don't understand the rich tradition established by Christopher Columbus! Luckily I'm brilliant, and don't mind dumbing it down for them, I'm pretty sure all of this is 100% accurate. If not, go fuck yourself... AMERICA!

510 years ago Jesus told Christopher Columbus about this awesome place he was thinking about discovering called America, but Jesus was too busy dying on a cross to take a long boat trip.

So Chris Columbus was like "I got it bro."

On the way he discovered some terrorists (Indians [Native American's]), and he was like "no way I'm letting this shit stand!"

So he had his friends (Patriots) rape/kill/give smallpox to the terrorists, because FREEDOM?

Anyway then some other stuff happened, then Thomas Jefferson wrote a paper about being an American, and told the King of England to go fuck himself.

The King was like "Me? Fuck myself? No way bro! I'm a terrorist too!”

And like EVERY time American has gone up against a terrorist, we won immediately, and England was like, our bad bro, AMERICA!

So back in America, people were really liking Thomas Jefferson’s paper, and they were like man, let’s vaguely interpret this and make it the law of the land! And Jefferson was like “Fucking perfect!”

America was a perfect place, and then one day some blacks were like “HEY, whens we gon’ be free” and half of America was like, how about right now, and the other half was like “I’ll die before that shit happens! I ain’t gunna work for myself, that’s why Jesus invented blacks!”

Jesus (who was dead) was all like “I’m going to stay out of this, but then retroactively back whichever side wins, FREEDOM”

Anyways, the American north, fought the American south, over blacks. And won. Then the south (mostly) was like “We were dicks back there, sorry, how about we hire the blacks and pay them less than a living wage?”

And the north was like “Perfect! This won’t backfire in 100 years!”

Oh but it did, in the 1960’s some blacks were like, “Hey, we want to be equal people!” and some whites were like that makes sense, but others were like, “Fuck that, who will work my farm?”

Then we accidentally killed Martin Luther King and JFK, and Lyndon Johnson was like, “Fine, blacks and whites are equal!”

But people in the south were like “Who is going to work our farms and do other jobs we don’t want to do?”

So Jesus, still dead, called his dad, and they had a meeting, and they decided to invent... MEXICANS! You see, Mexican’s would do the work blacks used to do for free, for pennies on the dollar! And we didn’t have to let them vote, or give them health insurance, or nothin’ because... FREEDOM!

From then until the 1980’s when Jesus came back for 8 years under the secret name “Ronald Reagan” and got America back on track, you see minorities were getting all uppity and shit, so Reagan and his crack team of scientist figured out 3 simple ways, to put minorities back in their place because of... AMERICA?

So the Reagan scientist, invited Crack cocaine, and AIDS, and distributed them freely to any minorities who wanted them. THEN the Reagan economics team invented Reaganomics, which pretty much dictated that poor people would have infinite downward and lateral mobility, but none of that pesky “upward mobility” because... ‘MERICA!

So after Jesus left us (1988) we got the first president George Bush. He did some stuff, but wasn’t nearly as good at presidenting, as nuJesus was, so America, accidentally elected a dumb hick from Arkansas to be president.
 This dumb hick (President Clinton) largely reversed the policies of nuJesus, and America was at risk of falling prey to a minority uprising (and by uprising, I mean them being fully equal and in no way disenfranchised [the very antithesis of our foundation]) so to overcorrect this, we elected (twice) George Bush’s autistic son.

George Jr. was largely seen as a return to the mediocrity established by his father, he even got us into two wars with muslim nations because... FREEDOM!

So the rich people (patriots) got richer under Jr, and the poor people kept getting poorer/dying in a flood. Poor people being the reactionaries they are, accidentally elected a black muslim (DOUBLE TERRORIST?!) thinking that his double terrorist status canceled out and meant he wasn’t a terrorist. OOOOPS!

Not to worry, Mitt Romney, who has the luxury of not even remembering either president Bush, has come to save America, and return us to our roots, the same roots that made it hard for blacks to vote, where gay sex and abortion were the same thing, and where you could justify any fringe conspiracy theory by the selective reading of the bible! Because you know... FREEDOM

Anyways, the choice this November couldn’t be more clear, vote for the the guy who belives in the bible above all, whose religion was founded by a glorified snake oil salesman, and has an elevator in one of his houses for cars. Or the negro terrorist. Godspeed fellow Americans! Also... FREEDOM!

Presidential debates.

2012-10-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

So my posts haven't been showing up... That's frustrating.

Here is my notes from the presidential debate. Why did I take notes? No idea, most of theses ended up as tweets on @BrandonComedy

7:58 I think I’m going to do my blog post this week in this format.

7:58 I’m watching the presidential debates on MSNBC, because I’m a filthy liberal.

7:59 Nice stage, I would love to do stand up on that stage.

7:59 as Maddow says the audience isn’t expected to cheer, the audience is heard cheering.

8:00 debate isn’t on. I immediately want ice cream.

8:00 Chris Matthews is pretty unlikable, I’m going to get ice cream.

8:02 Jim Leherer, whenever I saw him as a kid, I knew it was time to go to bed,

8:04 Both candidates are wearing the same suit. Neither came out to theme music. I’m calling bullshit.

8:05 Obama spends a minute giving shout outs.

8:08 Mitt Romney’s make up isn’t doing him any favors.

8:10 I’m guessing there won’t be any ad hominem personal attacks tonight.

8:13 Obama is resisting calling Mitt names, I dislike this quality in him.

8:16 I forgot how boring these are. Debates should be held at the Apollo.

8:18 Obama keeps bringing up facts, I bet Mitt hates that.

8:20 SUCK IT DONALD TRUMP

8:24 Mitt getting snippy about rules!

8:27 Jim has lost control.

8:28 Romney just alluded to firing Jim Lehrer, zinger!

8:31 “I have my own plan”

8:32 Mitt is raising his voice.

8:35 Obama keeps using those pesky facts!

8:38 Mitt Romney has referenced a friend, I’m calling lies.

8:39 Jim Lehrer should just leave. Seriously is he helping anything?

8:43 here comes a zinger?

8:44 Nope, just misdirection and distortion of facts.

8:46 Romney killed Obama’s grandmother

8:51 Jim Lehrer just said “fuck it”

8:57 I haven’t wrote stuff in a while.

9:04 There is no way both sides aren't completely convinced they are winning right now.

9:16 I got Ice Cream, did I miss anything? No? Perfect!

9:33 This is the most Jim Lehrer said all night.

Conclusion: Every candidate met a **** over in **** who **** because she was so inspired by ****, even though **** would deny them the chance because they were too old/a woman/poor/A dog.

Great specials

2012-09-03T11:58:00.002-07:00

There are about 10 million comedy specials out, some of them phenomenal, most of them passable. Here are a few great and diverse specials you need to check out (in no order).

Dane Cook, Vicious Circle: Say what you want about Dane, I know I have, but Vicious is an insanely good special. Yes it is done in the typical Dane over the top loud style, but the fact the he retains command of such an enormous crowd makes this a special to watch. Playing shows in the round is hard (I hear), at all times your back is to half of the crowd, but Dane manages to not only make it work, but to KILL in this situation.

See also: ISolated INcident: Dane in awesome form, doing a quieter set. Still has the same Dane mannerisms, but it is a more traditional stand up set, and it is insanely personal.

Eddie Murphy, Raw: Eddie dominated comedy in the 1980’s. So much so that after 25 years of not performing people still beg to see him take the stage. This is a fun special to watch. Eddie is young and confident, but remains in total control the entire time he is on stage. I especially like how he floats seamlessly from raunchy stand up, to fun character pieces. I especially love showing this special to people who have never seen Eddie do comedy, because there’s almost no way to predict how raunchy it gets. There is a cringeworthy bit about homosexuality, that doesn’t hold up in 2012, but the moment passes and hilarity follows, keep in mind the guy on stage yelling faggot is wearing purple leather.

See Also: Delirious. Eddie’s first special, also really good, I just feel like the Raw material was more refined.

Bill Cosby, Himself: Bill Cosby is a great story teller. And in this special he flows magically from one tale to another. Bill Cosby makes comedy look effortless. He controls the crowd in a way that tricks the viewer into thinking “I could do this” Bur therein lies the trap. There is only one Bill Cosby, and this is him at his best.

Bill Burr, Why Do I Do This?: I love the angry white comic. It is just a really interesting persona to watch, and Bill Burr is the best at it. His rants on race, women, sports, whatever. Burr is just scathing in his critiques and more often than not you’ll think “Man that’s kind of fucked up,” followed immediately by “But he isn’t wrong.” Burr might be the least famous on this list, but that’s only because America has some hang up about comics that are super honest speaking freely.

Patrice O'Neal, Elephant in the Room: Every open mike comic says some variation of "I say the things that everyone else is afraid to say" most of them are full of shit. Patrice is one of the few comics I can think of that can make an audience have a hard belly laugh, followed immediately by uncomfortable silence. Patrice's style is super conversational, and it feels like you are just having a conversation with a hilarious friend, who makes better points than you do.

Chris Rock, Kill the Messenger: This special almost ruined comedy for me before I started. Before I started doing comedy, I thought that comedy was something that you made up freely every night (spoiler alert, it isn't!). This special is unique in that is very obviously made up of 3 different shows. I like this special because it shows the minute changes you have to make to get your material to go over in different regions. So while it initially made me want to quit comedy, it later helped make me a better comedian.

If you get a chance to watch the special edition, the New York show is by far the best. Followed distantly by South Africa. You can skip London.

The Kings of Comedy: Say what you want about the material, but this is the most FUN comedy special I’ve ever seen. Sure it isn’t always the most original material, but look at the audience. From start to go the audience isn’t just laughing, they are actively having FUN. I defy you to find a comedy show where the audience enjoys themselves as much as they do here.

Gays don't choose to be gay, you can choose to not pick on them.

2012-05-09T17:05:00.001-07:00

I wrote this last week for OKC.net, now it's even more timely so I am posting the full unedited version here:

“Hey, I know you” a girl says as I walk to class.

“Oh yeah?” I say startled.

“Yeah, your Brandon Patrick, the face of women’s rights in Oklahoma!” she proclaimed, proudly.

“I’m not sure that’s true, or possible” I retort.

“Yep you are, I saw you speak at the capitol! You are the face of women’s rights!” She insists.

“Oh, I guess so” I say, giving in.

People think things. And sometimes, despite evidence to the contrary, they will still think things. It is insane to insist, or even believe that I, a black male, am the voice of women’s rights. I am a comedian, and my act isn’t even necessarily “pro-woman” all the time. But because I took a gig that a lot of people saw, at least in the minds of those people that’s who I am, a woman’s rights activist.

I’m not smart or anything, but from what I gather people tend to not shake first impressions. So when as a kid, your dad tells you that being gay is a choice, and as far as choices go it is a wrong one. I’m not gay, but friends of mine are, and from what I gather it wasn’t a choice they made one day, it was something they lived with and have had to battle with as they grow up in a society that doesn’t understand or accept them, think X-Men but instead of awesome powers, they are great wing men and can help you match suit separates!

Lately the GOP has been attacking both women and gays. Gays get it tougher, because NO ONE can debate that being a woman isn’t something you are born with. But it super easy to dismiss gay as an abhorrent lifestyle choice, something that people are doing to attack the sanctity of marriage. It is easy to pick on gays, stereotypically they are effeminate and weak, and they aren’t a majority.

ALSO GOD HATES THEM, He said it in Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." So pretty cut and dry, open and shut case right? It’s in the bible and we are a Christian nation (despite that pesky first amendment) but what else does leviticus say? Can we openly hate Mexican’s too?! Nope, but you can commit murder-suicide if the man cheats (20:10), this is compounded if you sleep with your wife and her mom, you are all to be burnt to death (20:14), If you curse God the community gets to stone you to death (24:14-16) and of course if you sleep with a woman on her period, you are to both be cut off from your people, which I think means all humans (20:18). Okay, but aside from that, Christianity is a peaceful religion (IGNORE DEUTERONOMY 17:2-7 AT ALL COSTS)and is inherent in mankind, remember being born and talking about Jesus and shit? Meee too! So why do we persecute homosexuals? Because it’s different. They have sex differently, and may have created AIDS on an airplane!

We persecute gays because it is easy. The way society is set up is even the lowest most uneducated person wants to look at someone and say “well I know that my shit is messed up, but THESE people are doing something terrible,” now typically we would just lump that on blacks, hispanics, or traditional scapegoat the Jews! But since slavery and subsequent segregation put a black eye on OPEN racial hatred we needed another group to treat sub-humanly and make our lowest common denominator feel good about himself. Enter the gays.

Clearly as a rational person we get that the gays aren’t out to kill marriage, and are just people who want to be treated like people. As rational human beings I think maybe we should stand a little more firmly in support of gays, they are in the corner of the rational person more often than not. Gays are people, we should love people, and focus on important issues, not what happens in someones bedroom behind a closed door.

Let’s just love each other, even if we don’t always understand each other*.

*Except the Kardashian’s seriously, how are they still a thing.

Turns out we have to have 28 blog posts for this class

2012-04-24T09:10:00.003-07:00

So this is number 28.

I graduate at the end of summer

2012-04-24T09:10:00.001-07:00

Then I move to *******, more on that later...

Lingo

2012-04-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

Comedy, like every other esoteric occupation has its own language. Fortunately for you, that language is based in english! But in discussing comedy I noticed I have slipped in some of this lingo. Now we both know YOU are smart and able to use context clues, but the person next to you... ugh.

Alt Show: comedy where the audience has no pre-set expectations about the crowd, and vice versa. In comedy clubs, there tends to be a certain vibe—alternative comedy explores different types of material. -- Patton Oswalt

Bachelorette Party: The worst most obnoxious group of guests at any comedy venue.

Bomb: bombing can be defined in many ways, but it boils down to not getting the laughs you expected.

Booker: Someone whose job is to book shows, they don't really care who they book, so much as they get a guy to fill a slot.

Bringer Show: Bringer shows are more popular in big cities, and are a terrible burden on beginning comics. The way a bringer show works is you get a slot, and to keep your slot you have to bring a certain number of people to the club/venue. The problem with this model is you only have a finite number of friends/people who will come watch you talk, so doing these types of shows causes you to burn through your friends rather quickly, and sometimes before you were ready to have a lot of people you know see you.

Closer (joke): USUALLY the biggest joke of your act. Guys like Bill Cosby just close on whatever joke, Paul Mooney also does this. One time Carlos Mencia closed a set with a some weird advice piece he probably stole? I don't know, it was weird.

Crowd work: Interacting with the crowd. Some comics see this as taking the easy way out, those comics are dumb and probably terrible, and you probably don't know their names. F*ck those guys.

Emcee: The worst, dumbest slot in a show. And sometimes the first paid slot you can get. The emcee has to set the tone for the crowd, go on cold, and bring up all the comics. It isn't that being an emcee is bad, it's just that people don't see you as a comic just a guy who works at the club and you have to do dumb things sometimes. Basically the emcee is the opener, the most forgettable person on the show. Some guys are great emcees, awesome.

Feature/Middle: The awesome spot in the show, you do 20-30 minutes, you can come to the show kind of late and you can leave early.

Hack: A comedian who consistently fails to generate original material, and often results to stealing other comics hard work. Also a comedian who's jokes lack any sort of depth.

Headliner:

Open Mic: Anyone can sign up and do time, you have to do these to do showcases.

Set: an allotment of stage time, in minutes.

Showcase: A chance for advancing comedians to show bookers, club owners, or other industry types a tight set.

Urban show: A show with a mostly black or hispanic audience.

Dante The Comic, Tornados and the Queen of Social Media

2012-04-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

This blog focuses on two awesome people I know. Both of whom have awesome energies and philosophies, also I don't think they know each other, but they live in the same city and should.

First, let's talk about my buddy Dante. Dante is a famous comic from the magical world of Hollywood, he has also won more BET Comedy awards than any other comic this is notable because Dante is a white dude. Whatever. Dante and I are buds, I love this guy and would take a small non-lethal bullet to the lower leg for him.

I met Dante in 2010 at the Loony Bin, I had a great set and was trying to talk a girl into sex when Dante bursts out of the show room and yelled "Hey! Great set, you guys should watch me, I'm the headliner, I am very funny!" and then went back in the show room. The girl I was talking too decided hey why pass up MORE comedy and went and watched the show. Dante was hilarious (as per his usual) and me and said girl ended up dating for almost 3 weeks! I dig Dante because he is super grounded, despite the fact that he has been on TV a billion times and performed for more troops than anyone but Bob Hope, he is always down to just have a conversation and hang out. He doesn't let his celebrity get in the way of genuinely enjoying life and having fun. Dude is mad optimistic and every time we hang out I learn a new way to approach comedy and relationships. It's too late to see him in OKC as he left on Monday, but follow him on twitter (here) and find out when he comes back, I've seen his show a half dozen times, and I will see it a billion more times, and keep laughing. The guy is a natural entertainer.

Enough about him, let's talk about me. I was in a weird comedy slump. I hadn't written that much new material, my performances this year have been so-so and I am having trouble booking out of state work. I'm back. Dante helped me get a guest spot on Saturday night and I rocked it, it was one of the better shows I've had at the loony bin, it felt really good to perform in front of a hot crowd, and do extremely well. So I left saturday night feeling good about life and comedy...

... Then Woodward got blown away during a tornado and me and Dante decided to take a road trip to campus, on the off chance a tornado decided to flatten the comedy condo in OKC. It turns out me and Dante would make poor meterologists because OKC just got some heavy rain. Whatever, we got to hang out and tell stories, and laugh at the weird kids in the library basement. Stories like these are the stories that every comic tells about the road. Going on weird adventures, hanging out, bonding, and making fun of people who aren't you.

Dante raised a great point during our tornado panic though, he loves life. Do you? Do you LOVE your life? I don't know if I did, but I think I do now. Life is too short to not have fun, make everything fun. That's a new goal of mine, new as of this week. to just be happy and have fun. I feel like I can be a negative person sometimes, and really who wants to deal with that all the time?

Alright, enough about Dante. Let's talk about the Queen of Social Media, Ms. Jen Friel. Holy shit this girl is awesome. Not only does she run an ubersucessful nerd culture blog, but she has two TV shows in the works, a book, and a live stage show, all this and she is under 30. This girl hustles day and night promoting her blog and it's culture. Not only that, she is super accessible, She is down to talk (if she is free) and share her story at pretty much all hours, I've talked to her on facebook, email, twitter, and she always gets back promptly and with pertinent information. Did I mention she is also helping with social media start up Mirror.net? The girl is a beast. I did my presentation over her, and here are some answers to questions I had but wasn't able to include in the presentation due to time. (answers in red)

1. What is the correct pronunciation of your last name?

Free-ul

2. How/When was TNTML started?

November 3, 2009. I went to the 140 conference and was inspired by the hot nerds I saw there. That night I bought the domain and thus we were born!!!

3. How has site traffic increased as the blog continued?

Because I don't just have the site -I live the site. I'm connnnsssttaaannnttlllyyyy promoting tntml morning noon and night. It's my passion, it's my baby. When you're that passionate about something however people are naturally intrigued and will give you a quick look. It is my job to keep those people around!!

4. As far as traffic is concerned, do you notice visitors flocking to a certain topic or more to a certain writer, OR is traffic pretty consistent all around?

My dating adventures are hands down the most popular posts on the site. I'm excited about working with mirror.net now and taking more students into the field to learn from them.

5. How has lifecasting adversely affected your love life?

103 dates in 9 months and I'm still single. Nuff said.

6. Although you are extremely open with your life, how do you decide what stays private vs. what gets published?

Everything gets published. My family has asked for certain things about them to be omitted but everything else is good to go. I have zero shame.

7. Is there anything you've published that you wish you didn't?

Nope. It was all my truth in that present moment.

8. Where did you get the idea to have each blog post reference older posts at key points? Does this keep older posts fresh?

It was all for storytelling. It makes it easier to post back to older stories so readers can understand more key storyline points. I adore having so much of my life online- its like, wanna learn more? Click here! It's incredibly efficient.

9. Do you get your entire income from TNTML/advertising/sponsorships?

Yep! 100000% everything that I say do or touch is through a corporate sponsorship.

10. At which point did blogging become profitable?

About two months in after I crashed the Grammys (2010) I got my first sponsor with ford. Getting a free car for a few months was incredible and I was then able to leverage the rest of my sponsors from ford.

11. Is there an aspect of nerd culture that interests you that isn't currently covered on the site?

I'm just inspired by nerds in general. There are so many niches that have yet to be explored. Nerds are so passionate I utterly adore being around that energy.

12. Can you describe a typical (as if there is such a thing) day for you?

Haha typical. There is no typical day. I wake up around 6, answer emails/tweets/posts, then go jogging followed by whatever my day has in store. Today I'm heading over to the fox lot for a meeting followed by playing trivia tonight. So excited!!! I friggen love trivia night!

13. Where do you see areas of expansion for TNTML? Podcast? More stage shows? TV? Jen Friel the movie? Books?

I currently have two tv shows in development and I'm writing my first book. I'm just genuinely happy right now writing and lifecasting. Whatever is after that is great but I'm also really grateful and enjoying the present moment!!!!

It's all weird.

2012-04-10T09:22:00.003-07:00

No weird or interesting shows to report on so I will just leave you with 10 things that are currently going on.

1. I am "dating" the same girl since January, this is a big deal, or maybe it's not, it just doesn't happen that often. She isn't my girlfriend, so feel free to hit on me.
2. I wrote a script for Friday Night Live and it was really well received. Big ego boost.
3. I have been awake for 14 hours.
4. seventeen hundred thousand. Ask Courtney, SHE AIN'T GOT TIME FOR NUMBERS!
5. I think I'm starting a podcast with Josh Lathe, obviously I will be the star.
6. I shaved my beard, it's weird, but I highly recommend the Schick Quatro!
7. I am a f*cking child.
8. Remember Kony 2012? Nope!
9. The speaker in our class just said she cusses in her blog, I should do that, it would make number 7 so much fucking better.
10. There are an inordinate amount of beautiful women in the Mass Comm building.

2 Shows, 2 wildly different sets of results.

2012-04-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

First off I want to say, that as I was walking to class today, I gave my phone number to a homeless dude. He found out I did comedy, and now wants to manage me... Whatever.

NOW, onto the two shows.

Show #1: Piqua, KS. (The only bar in Piqua, KS) with a road comic: I got this show through a booking agent, it was a last minute fill in for another comic, and I didn't have anything better to do. So I went to Piqua, with the headliner, as in we rode together, as in someone else controlled how quickly I could leave a given area. I had to meet the headliner in Bartlesville, a place I had never been, and promptly got lost leaving. The first thing out of the headliners mouth should have let me know what I was in for... "They didn't say you were a black feller... Oh well, let's see what happens." WHAT?! Never mind, I need the money, and I am committed to the show. Let's get this over with, if I am lucky I will get home in time to get yelled at by the girl!

After some weird car chat, the smallest of small talk, we arrive in Piqua! Not that a sign or anything would inform you of such a fact... We get to the bar and to my horror I see the sign advertising the show, it read "100% pure redneck comedy!"Now I don't know if you've gotten a good look at me, but I am not even 80% pure redneck. I was required to do 30 minutes, which is normally not a problem. But to a group who, by their own admission, had never seen another black person, it was weird... Real weird. Like out of a movie weird. I got some pretty gnarly looks and mostly just talked at a crowd for a half hour. Get me the f*** out of here.

After the show the headliner wanted to stick around and sell T-shirts, you know because his life wasn't on the line. So I got to sit around and listen to all manner of "I didn't like that joke about interracial dating you told...." "Barack is going to take my guns" blah blah blah, get me the f*** out of here.
Another hour of bs and I got to ride home, and hear about other similar gigs the headliner could get me! YAY! I got back to my car, and promptly lost his number. Then my phone died and I got lost for 3 hours. Shows me.

Show #2: Addison Improv with Charlie Murphy. Have I told you how much I love hanging out with/performing in front of Charlie Murphy? Probably, so either skip this part or deal with it. Last week was my parents anniversary and they have NEVER seen me perform live. So the night before their anniversary, in lieu of buying them a present I asked Charlie if he could get them into the show, not only did he get them in he got them the best seats in the house AND let me do some time on the show**. Doing time at the Improv, in front of my parents was awesome, I did well, and got to perform at a club I have visited dozens of times.

Backstage the environment was just full of comedy and love, Steve Hirst (the MC and a friend of mine) was talking about all manner of hilarious Britishisms (which spellcheck considers a real word), FreezLuv was doing hilarious characters, and Charlie was being Charlie, vibing, improvising with FreezLuv, backstage with Charlie Murphy and FreezLuv is like listening to two funny guys who know each other so well they can just bounce ideas and comedy off of each other and it is all quality stage ready stuff, that will only get said back stage.

* Well onetime my mom saw me at Stanfords in Kansas City, it was a weird show and I got heckled throughout most of it, I ended up doing okay, but the show was kind of weird.

**Charlie is one of the few major comics in the world who doesn't mind letting a younger unestablished comic do some time on his show. This is an awesome thing he does, you get the feeling that he really cares about younger guys getting work. This means he is doing it for the comedy, and not the money, which I am positive he made a lot of.

Investing 100+ hours into a video game, and other ways to fail as a human

2012-03-13T09:08:00.001-07:00

I am not much of a video gamer, but the few games I play I am extremely loyal to. I will play every game in a franchise, and greet new releases as if they were an old friend (they aren't).
I have been playing the Mass Effect series since its original incarnation, I have followed it through comic books, novels (I didn't read them, but I was certainly aware of them) and weird ipod games, but with the release of Mass Effect 3 the series is over, and the ending is 100% disappointing.

I have invested so much time into this universe, building (fake) relationships, killing (fake) intergalactic threats, and exploring (fake) new planets, only to be told that by and large it didn't actually matter. Ooops. Now the Mass Effect series of games are noted for their complex and multiple endings, but the ending I got (the 2nd "best") didn't reflect ANY of the choices (except the final one) that I had made in the 3 previous games (a highly touted feature). Basically BioWare said, "hey we gotta end this f*cking game, let's just kill everyone."

SO THAT HAPPENED!

Also, the girl I am "dating" and I are no longer "dating." It is almost exclusively my fault, but I think being 24 and unable to maintain even the most basic relationships is an issue...

Here are some other things that are going on...

I am selling a NEW iPad, yes the new one, yes I have it. No I don't want it as much as I want to charge you a slight mark up for it.

I did 7 shows at the Loony Bin last week, three were okay, two were bad, one was incredible, and one was horrible.

I drank a lot while working, like way too much. I know for a fact Saturday, I had 32oz of liquor in ONE of my drinks, and that was the third thing I drank.

I am going to stop drinking soda.

Please love me.

P.S. Daylight savings time isn't as big a deal as you are making it out to be.

P.P.S. Instead of making Kony famous, let's just make Snooki not famous.

3 sets, all weird.

2012-03-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

I work all manner of weird gigs. Last week I did 3 separate gigs each with their own weird set of problems. Without a video play by play here is a break down of the three sets.

Actually before I talk about these three weird sets, let's plug my next 7!

Where can you see me this week?! LOONY BIN! I am doing 7 shows there this week! You should come out and laugh at things I say! I have 20 free tickets that I can give out over the course of the week (except Saturday) so there is almost NO reason to not come see me.

Shows are:

Wednesday (open mic): 8

Thursday (Ladies night): 8

Friday: 8 & 10:30

Saturday: 8 &10:30 (both 8 PM shows non-smoking)

and Sunday: 9, you can get in free if you bring a paystub from a bar, hotel, or restaurant.

DO IT.

Anyway, onto some weird sets:

1. Personhood protest at the capitol: First of all this was the weirdest show I had ever done, it was both highly organized and highly chaotic. I was the master of ceremonies, I was to bring up speakers and do jokes in between (NOT jokes from my act I had been instructed). So I had to write a new 15-20 minute set to perform one time the week before, no big. The problem came when NO ONE told the audience that there was going to be a comedian making light of the very things they took seriously. I did fine comedy wise, as good as anyone in my position was going to do. The problem came, every time I had to wind down and be serious and introduce the next person, I am pretty apolitical, so if you asked me to pick the governor out of a line-up I couldn't. Also, if you asked me to pick out, my local senator I totally couldn't do it. So when I arrived, and didn't get told who anyone was I knew I was in trouble. The basic formula went like this: I tell jokes, jokes do okay, I make broad semi-political statement, crowd goes nuts, I introduce next person (whom I have never met), turn around and hope someone comes and takes the mic from my hand. It went okay, but then they had an OPEN MIC, where ANYONE could state their feelings on personhood and abortion and all manner of personal issues. OF COURSE I LEFT BEFORE THE OPEN MIC! All and all it went okay, but was the start of my vocal issues, which continued on too...

2. Headlining Paseo Underground: I love this place, LOVE it. They let me go on stage without material and just work s*it out. I don't feel as much pressure to be wall to wall hilarious as I do in comedy clubs, and subsequently I can work out new material. Wednesday (and Tuesday during the personhood event) I had Laryngitis. I had it all week, but Wednesday was the worst, vocally. I pretty much whispered 30 minutes of jokes into a microphone for in front of 20 people who had all seen the jokes done better, and a girl I had a crush on. I did okay, but it was one of those sets I would feel bad about if I didn't KNOW they had all, except the girl I had a crush on, seen me do better. The girl I had a crush on won't return my texts, I love my life.

3. Othello's Comedy Contest: This one sucked for me. Plain sucked. MY voice was s*it, and the speakers only went to the 3rd row. That sounds f*cking insane for a comedy CONTEST, where the goal was to get the most people on your side, but that's what happened. It didn't help that my voice wasn't going to project. It was just a lose lose situation that NONE of us were told about beforehand. If we were told this was a bringer contest (where you win based on how many of your friends you can trick into staying all night and voting for you) then I bet more than a few of us wouldn't have showed up. Whatever, I am probably just bitter I didn't win, or something.

Thank you for reading. Please like me,

Brandon

The word of the day is... LARYNGITIS!

2012-03-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

I'll talk about the protest Tuesday (and there is soooo much to talk about)!

But today, let's talk about laryngitis, mostly because I now have it, at least that's what this doctor is telling me. I have been talking so much lately, and last night I did a 30 minute set at Paseo Underground, while losing my voice, I am dumb.

Here is a picture of me speaking Tuesday, I will try to get a better version later, right now I have to go have laryngitis. I love you.

America's Drive In

2012-02-23T02:37:00.000-08:00

If you tip at Sonic you are an idiot.

My two biggest beefs?

1. If you expect tips, work in a restaurant.

2. Don’t name a restaurant after a fast speed, if you can almost guarantee slow service.

Tipping at Sonic is dumb, don’t do it. Everyone does it because they assume you should but let’s think about this logically. Sonic is a glorified drive through, the difference being they come out to your car, which is slightly invasive but whatever. Some people are so enthralled by the novelty of some one rollerskating to their car they happily fork over some of their money to pay someone who is making BY LAW, at least minimum wage, not server minimum wage… REGULAR MINIMUM WAGE *.

A long time ago, I worked at McDonald’s and did a (relatively) good job while there, and if I would have ever accepted a tip, I would have been summarily fired. Sonic employees are so used to people tipping, they have forgotten why the concept of tipping exists. Tipping is for good to exceptional service, that means full drinks, timely ordering, and a friendly server. You don’t have time to get any of those things at a sonic so why are you giving them your money? Notice when you pay with a card, you aren’t even given the option to tip, and your food comes out a little bit slower, it is the servers complacency with tipping and the assumption one is not to be made, that keeps your food from coming.

I do have a few things that will make me drop a buck or two or at least let them keep the coins and they are as follows.

1. If you go out of your way to ensure I get everything I ordered and all the necessary condiments without having to go back, you win.

2. If you “forget” to take my coupon, I might “forget” to ask for my change.

Now I am sure we have all worked a sh*t job for minimum wage, the goal is to get out of those jobs and into careers, fast food jobs are a means to an end, sure you can save up lots of money and buy cool stuff, but in the end no one wants to work at sonic for the rest of their life, so do all of the employees a favor and stop perpetuating this bullshit tipping system. They will thank you when they have a salary and don’t have to rely on keeping my 18 cents.

*Some stores pay their employees server wage through some weird loophole, I am too lazy to investigate which stores do and which stores don't. This is a flaw on my part.

The Last REAL Job I had... (LONG) (Language)

2012-02-21T06:42:00.000-08:00

I apologize about how long this post is, and about how unfunny this may be.

I used to work at an electronic super store, kind of like Circuit City, but more blue (THIS IS FORESHADOWING BLUE IS MORE THAN A COLOR). Before this gets negative (and possibly hilarious) I want to say that thanks to this job I have a passion for photography and met five people that I don’t completely hate. With that said, FUUUCK THIS PLACE, and Wal-Mart is generally cheaper. No, seriously.

I started working at this place last May and it seemed alright - I don’t really mind any job that lets me fuck off for most of the day while talking to hot girls about electronics. That was about the first 3 months. Like, literally all I did was talk to hot girls and play video games and learn about cameras…then the holiday season hit. You know, August - the holiday season. At that point it went from awesome all the time to “Hey shit is going to start getting lame, oh and this guy who is dumber than you is going to pretend to be your supervisor. Don’t worry, he isn’t, but he is buddy-buddy with the manager, so refrain from calling him a fucking idiot if at all possible.” (More on this dumb fuck later.)

I will freely admit that I am a difficult man to employ: I am moody, more concerned with pretty much everything, openly mocking and judgmental of stupid policies, and generally pretty lazy. With that said I am a lot smarter than AT LEAST 75% of the people I worked with, probably 90% but I don’t have my spreadsheet open. The entire time I worked at this place I was doing stand up - my passion - and I was pretty open about that at the time of my hiring (requesting Wednesdays and Sundays off for open mics). So it came as no surprise that I joked around a lot at work – like, a lot. Especially in the break room, where after 90 minutes of explaining to a lady why the HD video on her Fuji didn’t look like the stuff on TV, sometimes I would just go vent, which is hilarious because I am hilarious.

At some point maybe around July, the management figured out how funny I was and they began joking around with me, which is fine. Sure it got unprofessional at times, but I am not some HR champion. But at one point in front of a customer and during a pretty big sale, a manager kept calling me infect-ticle, (I had at some point prior to this contracted epididymitis which is at its essence an inflamed testicle) which I had to explain to the customer (who kept asking why the manager in question called me that). One day the same manager walked up to me and asked me if I had written “Fuck [place I worked]” on my Facebook, and I told him of COURSE I had, because it was within my legal right to do so. Also he wasn’t my Facebook friend which means someone had told him. Either way, my Facebook is pretty much a big joke to me. I have never taken it seriously, and I only post things on it that I find funny or that have some importance to those close to me, but the fact that he attempted to get me to remove it shows how insecure this particular gentleman was about this company. (A place he has worked for longer than he has done anything else - he has worked there over half of his life…. WHYYYYYYYYY.)

Anyway - shortly after, I got a text message from a girl I worked with saying that the managers didn’t like me and were looking for a reason to fire me, to which I replied “Oh for real? That sucks.” I don’t think at the time I realized how trivial it was that my managers not only talked about me behind my back but did so in front of my friends. And YES, I do see the hypocrisy in me bitching about a manager talking about me behind my back while writing a blog about how shitty he and his company are, but the difference is I am a petty asshole, and I don’t hold anyone’s career in my hands (to my knowledge) other than my own.

WORST OF ALL, there was this fucking guy, this sloppy, dumb piece of shit who somehow got a TASTE of power, just a taste, and thought he was hot shit. On three separate occasions I heard this motherfucker on the phone telling people he was a manager, no motherfucker, managers don’t work the floor or have their schedules made for them. They also usually have name tag indicating their position in the managerial hierarchy; they also don’t make just a dollar more than me. Seriously fuck this guy. Every time he saw me he tried to shake my hand. What is that? I don’t shake my friends’ hands every time I see them. This guy was a fucking idiot. I would openly make fun of how shitty he was as a person and he, being a moron couldn’t figure out I was making fun of him.

ANOTHER THING, his dad was always in the store. I don’t care how proud of me my dad is, he isn’t coming to my job every day to check on me. Why the fuck did this happen every goddamned day? I honestly saw his dad more than I saw my own dad in 2010. This motherfucker would spend hours in the store and never buy shit, just hang out - why the fuck was this allowed to happen? CUT THE FUCKING CORD!
Anyway back to this fucking idiot whom I hate. He was lazier than I was; I am lazy but this motherfucker probably worked about three hours a day, most of which was spent translating Spanish because he was one of three people in the store who spoke it. The rest of his time was spent sitting in chairs and trying to fuck our co-workers, which I have on good authority never happened. This fucking guy is the exact type of person these companies love to hire because he is just dumb enough to over work himself, never apply for benefits or question orders, and he will dump most of the money he makes right back into the company. Seriously, if I ran a place, I would hire dumb motherfuckers like him all day and everyday. So what if he smells bad and lies to customers? He is too dumb to notice he’s underpaid and a non-issue as far as EVERYTHING is concerned. Fuck this guy. I hope one day he accidentally looks in a mirror and finds out just how pathetic he is, just how low you can become as a person, maybe even an un-person.

This is disjointed… I should look into an editor. [Editor’s note: We tried our best.]

I got fired, more accurately I was asked to leave. I saw this coming, and my supervisor and I (whom I think is a good guy) would joke about it in front of customers. Like “Yeah, buy from Brandon now, he won’t be here in a week!” Over Christmas break I chose to go see my parents whom I hadn’t seen in quite some time (I think since August). I had told my manager not to even BOTHER scheduling me for the day after Christmas because I wouldn’t come in. He took that in one ear, said “Oh, that’s the third busiest day of the year (it isn’t) - you will definitely be on the schedule.” I told him I would be in Missouri and probably snowed in, and he asked “Are you pre-calling in?” and I was like “Sure.” and he was like “Okay.” Now keep in mind I never called in. As a matter of fact I had to work Black Friday (WITH epididymitis) because another guy called off (This motherfucker had three grandpas die in a three month span and he still works there, fuck him) so I figured I had some bargaining chips in, turns out I didn’t. Oh well.
The day after Christmas came, I called in and the phones weren’t on. SERIOUSLY - A COMPANY WORTH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS DIDN’T TURN ITS PHONES ON - ON THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS - THE ALLEGED “THIRD MOST IMPORTANT SALES DAY OF THE YEAR!” Anyway, since I didn’t call in (I thought I pre-called in, turns out that isn’t a thing), and my manager checked the weather service in Kansas City (who does that?) and didn’t find the weather conditions unacceptable, decided to tell me that he simply couldn’t trust me, and that my integrity had been compromised. Oddly enough he has made some pretty suspect choices later, but who I am I to question someone’s integrity? He would give me two options: One, to put in my two weeks, leave with their recommendation OR I could stay employed for the next 90 days, but if I was even one minute late for those 90 days I would be fired. I had to tell him “Dude I was seven minutes late today, we both know that isn’t possible.” to which he replied “Yeah, so I guess we know what you have to do (insincere sad face).”…

On my way out of his office he asked me a simple question. “Which do you consider a bigger priority, this company or stand up?” Are you fucking kidding me? He had to already know the answer to that before he asked. Even people who don’t do stand up would probably choose stand up. Which do you like more, fun or work? I think we both know how that ended. I fucking laughed in his face and left.

Additional note: About two weeks after my last day I got three phone calls from people I worked with while I was in class. When I got out of class I checked my messages and was informed that I was supposed to open the store and that I was going to get written up. I went in (to buy something for my camera later that day) and my manger walked up to me and the girl I was with all buddy-buddy and was like “It is the darndest thing, we forgot to take you out of the system. Don’t worry about it, we didn’t write you up.You know how crazy computers can be blah blah blah.” In the middle of his rant I was like “Dude I don’t give a fuck, but since I am on the schedule, I am on the pay roll. Since I am on the payroll I get the discount. Peace kid, I am buying shit on the cheap.”

I don’t hate this place, but it is pretty shittily [Editor’s note: Not quite sure how to spell “shittily,” it’s really annoying.] run. There are a handful of people I consider friends that still work there, but I think our friendship can endure this blog. If not, oh well.

As usual, thanks for reading. This ended up longer than I wanted it to be but oh well.

P.S. If you found this at all legible, thank Chad McNaughton, he took one long run-on sentence and turned it into whatever it is this is. ALSO a special thanks to Clarissa Moore, she helped iron out a bunch of the tiny grammatical stuff that Chad and I missed. I haven’t even known her for a week and I already owe her favors!

Roasting: A comedy tradition

2012-02-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

Last night a bunch of Oklahoma City comics got together and roasted one of our own, Mr. Zac McClure.
Zac is moving to Los Angeles and in Oklahoma City comedy tradition we gave him a proper sending off. But roasting is a weird act, you want to be funny, you want to be accurate, and you want to say the meanest things you can, all while leaving the subject with the knowledge that you deeply care about them and are just giving them a little bit of hell in good fun.

Last night I realized a few things about roasts, mainly that they aren't audience friendly. I mean if the audience knows the subject and some of the participants it can be fun. I invited some people I knew to the roast, people unfamiliar with most OKC comics, and I can't imagine they had a good time. The a good roast, not a good televised roast, but a good intimate roast should look, to an outsider, as if a series of hilarious inside jokes are being performed, that you don't quite understand.

I learned a lot about roasting last night, I had the privilege of going later in the show, but that also meant that I had to have better and more original jokes than everyone who went before me, because hearing a joke twice in one night is pain, and there are only a finite number of things you can say to people that make sense.

Roasting, when done correctly, should leave everyone with a sense of respect and reverence for the subject. Going into my first roast I didn't think about this, I just thought about being mean and saying horrible things to people. I didn't know the girl getting roasted and it showed. The McClure roast on the other hand, sure things were said that in any other context would have led to violence, but at the end of the day the guy knows I love him and am going to miss him when he goes off to LA.

Stand out roasters
Brandon Patrick
Zach Smith
James Nghiem
Spencer Hicks
Jeramy Westbrook
Trey Baker
Nathan Joyner
and of course Zac McClure

Also, I didn't escape the roast unscathed! I got busted for my gigantic ego, and how whiney I come off in some of my blog posts. It's all love. Maybe?

Internet Dating

2012-02-14T02:27:00.000-08:00

I make lots of poor choices in my life, I mean a LOT, but what started off as a drunken joke has led to a few interesting friendships and a constant reminder that sanity is but a dangling thread, to be cut at the first sign of criticism, judgement, or rejection.

If you know me, and you probably do (or are within close enough proximity to meet me), you KNOW I love internet dating. I think it is insanely fascinating. I am currently experimenting with OkCupid and wonderful Craigslist, what is significant about these sites? Sure you can find some one to date, but you ALSO get to come face to face with INSANE people from time to time. I love it. I currently have a girl who sends me about 3 emails a day detailing elaborate and sometimes impossible sexual scenarios she would like to get in with me. All of this is based on a 2 paragraph joke on Craigslist, and the beauty? I have only responded twice. I get free porn and all I had to do was bs two paragraphs!

OkCupid is nice, to a degree, I have met maybe 3 people that seem normal and like they wouldn’t be terrible to hang out with. But I have also come across friends, friends of friends, ex girlfriends, ex stalkers, my ex girlfriends best friend, and an old booty call who currently hates me. The cool thing about this site is it gives me a percentage of how likely that person is to become my enemy, and you know what. It is surprisingly accurate! I have met people on this site that I think I might literally hate based on ONE paragraph.

The future is digital people. And NO I have not eschewed normal dating and still greatly prefer it, but there is something to this whole “screening people before I let them inside of my house thing” that I like. Sure the questions on OkCupid are broad and people probably lie, but I still find it an interesting concept. and before you go judging and saying how online dating is horrible and not natural, neither is text messaging, seeing a movie, going for a drive, or facebook.

I probably won’t marry any of these people (or anyone) but this has been a fun adventure.

Sometimes You TRY to Record a CD and NO ONE Bothers to Show Up.

2012-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

On September 27th me and 5 of OKC’s finest comics performed a show at UCO’s famed constitution hall.

The show was meant to be a culmination of my two years in stand up, and I would use the event to record and document that progress and eventually release it commercially for a small profit.

THAT ISN’T WHAT HAPPENED.

The SHOW happened, and by all accounts it was a fun show for the audience, and performers. But it wasn’t MY best show and I couldn’t consciously put out a product knowing that I had failed to produce (no matter HOW easy it would have been to do quick edits and make it awesome).

Why did the show suck?

Numerous factors, but mostly a lack of support. We pushed the show as a Greek affair and early impressions made it sound like we would have the support of the various fraternities and sororities at UCO, in addition to the fraternity sponsoring the show. That didn’t happen. Greek life makes up several hundred people, our theater fits several hundred people. We assumed we had set an obtainable goal. I knew selling 500 tickets would be difficult, but I figured with the support of our fraternity, and pitching the show to all of the sororities on campus and getting the word out to the fraternities we could at least clear 300. Our group (aside from a few members) acted disinterested in the event, and the other groups had committed to building floats for homecoming.

Homecoming, I am told, is what really killed us. Campus had a huge carnival planned and most Greeks had to build various floats/not go to our event. We ended up selling around 70 tickets, and somehow even less than that showed up. I still maintain the audience got a decent show, especially for the money. But my performance was lacking, for numerous reasons.

I could make a dozen excuses; fatigue, weird intro, small crowd, stress, weird interruptions, an empty stomach. But really it boils down to I didn’t prepare properly and booked a venue that I couldn’t fill and had too many comics doing too much time.

I have learned from all of this and will try again for a recording (in a smaller venue) sometime in the spring. Just for shits and giggles though I have included my favorite inturruption from the show!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=174631149282363

Even though the event wasn’t as successful as it needed to be it wouldn’t have happened with out several people.

Stan Silliman
Spencer Hicks
Jack McKenzie
Zach Smith
Nathan Joyner
Samuel Calvin
Lance Gill
Frank D Evans
Justin and Katie Vaughn
Quintrell Coburn
Pat Harrel
Steven Everman
Tucker Max
UCO
Tiffany-Nicole Mayes
and everyone who bought a ticket

We Probably Aren't Friends

2012-02-07T02:27:00.000-08:00

friend |frend| noun. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

acquaintance |əˈkwāntns|
noun. a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend

My theory: I don’t have to like you to like your comedy; and because I like you doesn’t mean I like your comedy.

I have been doing comedy for two years now, and I can honestly say I love it more than anything I have ever done (sorry Ashley). Despite the seemingly singular nature of stand-up comedy it is in many ways a “team sport,” there are many teams, most of them working contrary of any goal other than self promotion. Teams are not named but you can see them in the back of the room of any open mic, huddled up and chatting while comedians they don’t favor are on stage, while listening attentively to their team mates, waiting offstage to give a congratulatory handshake or high five, regardless of performance. The “teams” spend time patting each other on the back, and making sure everyone on the team is on as many shows as possible.

My group is small but we are all friends. Friends outside of comedy, meaning we don’t see each other exclusively at shows. What’s weird about friendships within comedy is how fickle they are, you want to be appealing to the team booking shows, so regardless of how nice a person you are, it isn’t in your best interest to be friends with everyone. That said, I like most of the guys in the scene, some guys and girls I don’t like, but that comes with almost any large mass of people. I work my ass off and still get passed on for MOST shows in the area, despite constantly having fresh material, doing consistently well on stage, getting work at comedy clubs, and maintaining a decent social networking presence.

Now I know not every comic can do every show, both shows I put on, I had to bump at least one good comic just for pacing reasons. But the fact that I can do consistently well, and not get booked speaks to me not conforming to whatever the other team deems a comedian. I still get dismissed because guys think I am some guy who “just does crowd work.” This used to bug me until I realized that that comment can’t come from any place other than jealousy. Being funny in the moment (to me) is a far greater (and more useful) skill than being funny with jokes you have done for 3 years. That said, I am STILL telling the first joke I ever did on stage (in a greatly modified fashion), and I write bits every single day. And I don’t do crowd work every show I do, as a matter of fact when I emcee I am specifically told NOT to do it, and I still get asked to return.

The above bothers me because despite whatever preconceived notions people have about me, I genuinely do like doing shows with most of the people in the city. I get that I have an ego, and my stage persona comes off as some one who thinks the world is beneath him (supposedly), but the reality of the situation is I am just a guy in a small market fighting to do the same 2 or 3 shows a week we all fight to do.

My point in all of this? I love doing shows, and assuming they are decently organized, I can get to them, and they have a decent crowd of people who wouldn’t mind laughing I will do most shows. I am doing shows next week where I don’t like 4 of the guys I am working with (spread out over two shows) but I still trust 3 of them to deliver laughs and make some comedy happen.

Call me weird, but I am doing this thing where I see past teams, and look at ability. I don’t have to like Nathan Joyner to trust him to put on a good show, as it happens I like Nathan a lot. But even if I didn’t, the way shows happen in this town, I should still be able to follow and open for him. At this stage of the game we can’t really pick our coworkers.

Please Kill Me.

2012-02-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

Obviously don't, but I would love a nap!

Here is my week. If I say mean things to you, I am sorry. I am very tired. As soon as I finish typing this I have to run off to the city to write with my writing partner on a movie we are working on. This is a busy week for me, I have to get a lot done, and I put it all off.

Sunday

Finish plot outline (My House)
Talk to Aaron and get yelled at about act 3 problems (Midtown)
Comedy @ JJ's in Bricktown
Podcast at Spy FM (Bricktown area)
Girlfriend (Edmond)

Monday

Class (Edmond)
Write with Aaron (Midtown)
FNL Rehearsal (Edmond)
Girlfriend (Edmond

Tuesday

Class (Edmond)
Writing with Aaron (ugh) (Midtown)
Comedy Class (Loony Bin)
Othello's Comedy night (Norman)
Girlfriend (Edmond)

Wednesday

Class (Edmond)
No writing with Aaron! But plenty of Sketch and Stand up to write! (My House)
Paseo Underground Comedy show (Paseo)
Girlfriend (Edmond)

Thursday

Class (Edmond)
Suit fitting (NW OKC)
Belle Isle Brewery Comedy Show (Penn Square)
FNL (Edmond)
Girlfriend (Edmond)

Friday

Write sketches for FNL (My House)
Class (Edmond)
Write movie with Aaron (should be done with Act 1) (Midtown)
Girlfriend (Edmond)

Saturday

Cleaning (My house)
Picking up suits (Who cares)
Writing roast jokes (Who knows)
Crying (Everywhere)
Public intoxication (Bar)
Girlfriend (Edmond)

Clearly the problem here is my girlfriend, so I am going to break up with her. Leave a comment telling me how I should do it. Funniest comment gets done. I love you. I need a nap.

Black Comedy

2012-01-31T09:21:00.000-08:00

I am a black guy, by no choice of my own.
I am a comedian, by my own admission. Combining those two statements one can reasonably infer I am a black comedian.

I have a problem with this title, it implies I do the sort of comedy that is popular and prevalent in black culture. I do not. I respect the f*** out of what those guys do; the way they perform and the entire Def Jam style of comedy. That said, I don’t do that style, at all. Sure I do a little crowd work here and there, but the issues and topics I bring up in my comedy have little to do with my being black.

Why bring this up at all?

A few nights ago some of my comedy friends and I were discussing what “mark” we think we have made on the local comedy scene*, when one of the comics conceded that I was indeed the funniest black comedian in Oklahoma City**. This is unfortunate because my entire comedy career I have thought of myself as a comedian first, and a black person never (I don’t see color in comedy, funny is funny). BUT this guy is saying that my blackness DEFINES my comedy.

Calling me the funniest black comedian in Oklahoma City feels like a slap in the face. I know it was genuine, but it came across as a backhanded compliment. I work my ass off to be known as someone of great comedic sensibilities and still in 2011 (when this was written) my most defining characteristic is that I am funnier than a group of people (with which I have nothing in common other than skin) that do comedy infrequently at best!

I am not a fan of judging someone’s comedy by any barometer other than funny. I don’t want to be in the position to call someone the funniest “alt” comic I know, because that term has a set definition and that person may or may not see themselves that way. I know I don’t think of myself as a black comic - I am just a comedian. What Bill Cosby does on stage certainly isn’t considered black comedy, but he is a black guy.

My goal in comedy isn’t to be the funniest black anything. My goal in comedy is to be the best. I don’t want some dubious claim like “the best comic under 40” or “the best comic since blah blah blah” I just want to be the best.

*I know how arrogant it sounds to assume I have made a “mark” on a community in two years, I also know I don’t care.

**There are MAYBE 6 black comics in Oklahoma City. Of them I am probably the best. Also I am the only one pursuing comedy full time.

Arrogance

2012-01-26T10:02:00.000-08:00

BY THEIR VERY NATURE, COMEDIANS ARE EGOTISTICAL.
Read that again, it’s important. Anytime someone enters a profession where their entire sense of validation comes from the fleeting thoughts of strangers, ego is involved. And where egos get involved, egos get bruised. No one would do comedy if they thought they weren’t funny. So by virtue of BEING a comedian, you are saying the thoughts in your head are both original thoughts and funnier than the thoughts that the average person has. This is a weird conceit, but one that comedians seem to be okay with making, at least tacitly.

Comedians are also the least humble people you can meet. No matter how low-key a comedian is, in reality he can’t wait to tell you which comedian (that you probably haven’t heard of) he/she is opening for, or which comedians they have in their cell phones, or about some deal they almost got but the exec at Comedy Central got put in the hospital the next day.

Here is a fun way to see just how self involved a comedian is. If you ever get to MC a show* read a comedian’s credits wrong. The size of the meltdown or passive aggressive stance the first few jokes take will let you know how much it really fucked with them.

Comedians have all sorts of barometers they use to figure out if they are successful (are people laughing, can I use this credit no matter how nebulous, are people giving me drugs for free) - all of which speak to a deeper sense of entitlement. To keep myself grounded I apply a few rules to every situation.

1. No one owes you stage time

2. No one who is unfunny will continually work.

3. If you should be doing XYZ, you will - if you shouldn’t, you won’t.

Number 1 bites me in the ass the most. Every time a comedian I like comes to town and I am not called to open for him, my ego gets bruised a little. And then depending on who the announced openers are, sometimes my ego gets bruised a lot. But then I apply number 2 - I might not think this person is funny, but I don’t matter. The people booking the shows have faith in this person, and if the person doesn’t get laughs, then they won’t be considered for future shows (theoretically bumping me up!).

When I see guys huffing and puffing about not getting to sign up for the open mic, or continually drawing a no**, I can’t help but get a little tickled. The owner of the club certainly doesn’t owe you anything; the fact that you come in with 3 people on the lowest selling night of the week does not mean that you have entered into some agreement in which you are OWED stage time. Honestly the only situation in which you are owed time is if you run the room, and I don’t mean, “the usual MC is gone and you are taking over this week.” If you STARTED a room, and built rapport with managers, and cultivated a show, you absolutely deserve to do time on THAT stage.

Comedians who do every open mic feel superior to comics who pick and choose, justifying it as: “I get more stage time because I care about the craft!” This logic sounds like it makes a lot of sense until you apply ANY scrutiny to it. Doing every open mic, because you “appreciate the craft” is like driving on every street to learn how to drive, sure it might help, but you are also going to drive yourself nuts doing it***. Comics pride themselves on being able to say they do every open mic, even shitty bar open mics. But the reality of the sitution is not every open mic is helpful some just plain suck (be it poor crowds, poor hosts, awkward venues, too many comics, whatever the issue) all that matters is that when you get up you take it seriously and perform your best. The guys who swear by doing every shitty open mic are the guys who will still be doing every shitty open mic 5 years from now.

Comics can’t really take criticism, I found that out the hard way when a friend asked me why he wasn’t getting work. Once I explained it to him, instead of sitting down and processing any of the information he had just recieved he went on the defensive and told me every reason why I was wrong, and then tried to attack my credentials.

I get accused of being arrogant a lot because I do skip out on a lot of open mics. I skip open mics for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I know which ones won’t help, which ones will, which ones are just good for hanging out with comics, and which ones will honestly make me a worse comedian. I probably also get accused of being arrogant because I tend to keep to myself after I perform. Sure, some guy might say “Hey great job up there”, but to me it sounds like “You are usually funnier, kill yourself.” My issue. Do I say things like “I am too good for open mics,” probably. Do I mean them? BY VIRTUE OF ME BEING AT AN OPEN MIC MAKING THIS STATEMENT, IT IS PATENTLY FALSE. That said, I think I am really funny, and other people do too. That is I why I get booked, and that is why every headliner I have worked with [except that asshole] would work with me again.

I can be confident in my abilities because when it counts I come through!**** At 6 months I had twenty minutes that were strong enough to convince the owner of my home club to book me. That might not mean a lot to most people, but I was the first in my “class” to do it. Also, there’s only been ONE week, where I wasn’t 100% and I still got booked when I got back. I am not arrogant because I think I am better than most comics, I am confident because I KNOW I am in the top 5 locally and won’t accept anything less for myself. I am harder on myself than any one can ever be, but when I do well you’re damn right I am going to celebrate.

*If you aren’t MCing shows, work harder.

**Full disclosure: I hate drawing a no and not going up, but I realize it happens and see past it.

*** Do as many open mics as you feel comfortable doing, but skip ones that damage your confidence or don’t help you progress. Your sanity will thank you.

**** Minus the Tulsa contest, both OKC contests, and the CD/DVD show (that last one wasn’t entirely my fault. But I will go into that later)

Charlie Murphy likes my comedy, he probably isn't aware of yours.

2012-01-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

First of all, I want to say none of this would have been possible
without FreezLuv. He features for Charlie on the road, and was cool
enough to get me backstage to hang out with Charlie Murphy (follow him
on twitter @FreezLuv).

A long time ago, (March 2010) I sent a video to Charlie Murphy on
twitter, the video was four minutes long of me performing. About six
minutes later, Charlie responded. It meant so much to me as a young
comic to have a comic I admire not only respond, but give honest
feedback. It was a powerful experience.

I would later see him live a few times.

BUT THIS STORY, is about me getting to perform in front of Charlie
Murphy. He is pretty famous, so girls want to hang out with him. Also,
backstage he is F****** hilarious. Imagine EVERY story you have heard
him tell on Chappelle's show, plus 3 hours of more stories. To put
this into perspective, the guy just KILLED on stage, and then came
backstage and gave maybe 6 people a SHOW. Stories about his life,
fellow celebrities, his brother (some guy named Eddie Murphy, who is
one of the biggest actors of all time, no big), other comedians; dude
was just talking, and everyone was laughing and having a good time. At
one point, this happened:

We were cracking up backstage after a show, he looked at me and said,
"You funny?"

To which I replied, "Of course."

Charlie then responded with, "Well come back tomorrow and do some
time. I wanna see how funny you are."

Now Charlie's audience and my audience are completely different,
mainly because his exists. And holy S*** do they exist! Charlie did 6
sold out shows the week I saw him. Since I'm not famous, I was able to
hang out in the show room and hear some of the comments audience
members were making pre-show. They ranged from excitement, to "He
better be funny.," to people just wanting to get away from their kids
for a minute and see a show. Regardless of the expectation, NO ONE
left disappointed.

This room was an urban room,* now being primarily an Oklahoma comic, I
have never even SEEN an urban room. I talked to Charlie pre-show for
about an hour, and apparently bombing at an urban show is one of the
things that almost got him to quit comedy initially. WHAT?! WHY IS HE
SAYING THIS TO ME?! Then he goes on to tell me, "If they even suspect
you aren't confident in your material, you are dead to them..." I am
now in full panic attack mode, dope. But his story had a lesson,
involving Eddie Murphy, Mike Epps and Martin Lawrence none the less,
and the lesson was this: if you respect the audience, the audience
will respect you.

A few minutes later a guy from the club walked up and was like "Hey,
we are starting the show in 10... blah blah blah." So now I have 18
minutes (ten till show, and the emcee doing 8) to mentally prepare
myself for what could be a very public death. But right before I left
the green room (which by the way is almost never green) I just
embodied Charlie's words, "respect the audience."

I went out there and did one of the most exciting shows I had ever done (all in only 5
minutes). The energy was palpable, the audience loved me, waves of
laughter, and when an urban room likes you, they really f****** like
you. Guys were laughing to the point of physicality (laughing so hard
their body would move back and forth, side to side). I caused a
PHYSICAL reaction in these people in 5 minutes. This is what killing
feels like. I didn't even get to do my closing bits, I was having so
much fun vibing with the audience.

Backstage I was on cloud nine. Charlie was quoting a joke of mine and
cracking up. Everyone had been listening on the intercom in the green
room, and they all liked what they heard. I listened in while FreezLuv
and Charlie took the stage (back to back, not at the same time), and
showed me that no matter how well I could do, they were still the
professionals. They took my tiny laughter waves (which seemed
tremendous) and rode them to Japanese tsunami-like proportions. If I
was funny, those guys were hilarious. I learned a lot about pacing and
performing those two nights with Charlie and Freez.

*Mostly black audience members.

See me Live. A plea.

2012-01-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

Every night, knights armed with spiral notebooks and corded microphones do battle against an unrelenting beast. The beast is a hydra of sorts - cut its head off and more heads pop up, wanting more. A comedy audience wants to laugh, but more than to laugh, a comedy audience wants you to give them a deep belly laugh; a laugh they have never experienced. In that way, fighting and truly slaying a comedy club audience is harder than any other job. Laughter is an experience that most people enjoy and with some degree of success, can replicate on their own.

Why go to a comedy show when you can laugh at a movie or at a bar with friends? A comedy show produces raw emotion, filtered through sadness, dejection, failure, humiliation, joy, pain, drugs, booze and the genitals of waitresses. The laughter at a comedy club is honed and refined - this isn’t your funny friend in a bar (he isn’t that funny by the way, stop hanging out with him [everybody hates that asshole]). A comedian has an innate ability to take an individual through a series of emotions and experiences (both familiar and absurd) to make you forget your shitty day, and laugh at a grown man shitting his pants (for the 6th time in his adult life [probably]).

But still, why would I go to a comedy show? Because a familiar funny experience (a movie or a funny friend) doesn’t walk a tightrope; a proven funny movie can’t fail. But a comedian can, and will. Comedians fail all the time, and part of the joy of going to a comedy club is watching a comedian bomb and going “Oh fuck, is he going to pull this off?” Sometimes a comic doesn’t pull it off; sometimes a comic gets so pulled into his head or his own universe or his notebook that he can’t communicate to an audience. Sometimes a comedian is so terrible, your gut reaction is to laugh, but this guy has no idea what to do with the laughter he is getting, so his unconscious reaction is to keep doing what he is doing - bombing, hilariously.

We watch comedians like we watch the first week of American Idol: To laugh at something “artistic.” Watching someone on American Idol sing your favorite song badly is a unique experience, just like watching someone (whose only real job is to make you laugh) say “this is what you expect and I am going to do it poorly!” To watch a comedian take subject matter you find hilarious, and render it an unfunny cacophonous mess is a visceral joy. But when you see goodcomedy, really good comedy you react to it in an orgasmic way, you keep coming and coming and coming. And unlike with orgasms, laughter doesn’tproduce any negative tangible leftovers (you don’t need a towel after).

What I am saying is you need to go see more live comedy. You might be funny (you aren’t) but until you have experienced the visceral and emotional laughter brought forth by a laughter expert, you have not truly laughed. Until you can let your guard down and laugh at topics both sacred and mundane, you haven’t truly run the gauntlet of the human humor experience. Unless you’velaughed until the sides of your face hurt, in my opinion you haven’t laughed and thus are not a person.

As a comedian, I don’t consider a show a success until someone from the audience walks up to me and tells me that I caused a physical reaction in them. “I had to leave or else I was going to piss on myself” or “I spit my drink out when you said XYZ,” these compliments mean more than any “You were funny!” ever could. A comedian lives for more than the laughter; we live for the physical experience. We live for the ability to say “I changed someone’s life tonight, and I did it with something I created (or bought [or stole from Frank]).”

Thanks,

Brandon!

P.S. I hope to see you at a show.

Analyzing a Bad Set

2012-01-16T14:46:00.000-08:00

Here is a set (and my annotations) I did recently (1/15/2012) that didn't go as planned. The audience still had a good time but my intended goal of working new material and not doing any old jokes was not met.

There is a great deal of foul language in this video, so if that offends you feel free to just read the annotations below!

Before the video starts: I was introduced as a reverend (I guess because I was wearing a suit, LIKE I ALWAYS DO) I don't like this intro (as I dislike most intros) because it sets up the audience to expect something from me. When I do sets like this I like the audience to have 0 expectations so we can just see what happens. So right off the bat I get to address that.

0:19 I say my first words to the audience, they are asking a table of talking ladies to not talk. This is in no way a good sign

0:57 I have finished talking to said table and can now start my first joke.

1:23 I am starting a new joke and I have already messed up the joke.

1:46 I end the joke to heckling from the same table of ladies

2:09 legitimately funny comeback to heckler, I enjoy this type of banter but still just
wanted to do real jokes.

2:40 I name checked another comic (and friend) I hate doing this, but the joke is sooo new I
had no idea how to get into it.

2:55 I legitimately thought I said good and bad, that is how I intended the line to go, but I said “good and black” which made the audience laugh, I prefer it the way it is written, as it makes sense that way.

2:59 ugh, I am dropping racial slurs. I feel like I am above this type of shock but in my desperation I resorted to the N word.

3:33 I am chastising the audience for not laughing, at a joke that needed more setup and better delievery.

3:43 There is a bar below the bar I am in and in an effort to distance myself from the hecklers and my previous bad joke, I pretend to address the below bar.

4:24 I just messed up a joke I have been telling for months, this set officially can’t get better.

4:53 minor applause as I return to original crowd.

5:04 when I ask for audience suggestions, someone yells out “Sh*tty white Texans”

5:11 A gentleman comes forward and claims to be a “Sh*tty white Texan” I now cannot succeed and am doing too much back and forth with the crowd.

6:11 the hecklers inform me I am doing fine, whatever.

6:35 I chastise a couple, because I am having a bad time. I never want to be THIS guy...

6:58 I yell at the audience for applauding an easy joke

7:15 I criticize the bar (which is a dick move on my part)

7:36 Great improvised line about Flaming Lips Alley

7:46 Heckled again

8:12 The set up for this joke is too long.

8:34 I guess I have stopped doing punchlines at this point. Great job Brandon!

8:56 Hecklers assure me I am still “doing great”

9:13 Stupid talking with stupid hecklers, this is a waste of time

9:30 I have one minute left

10:06 I also don’t normally say this when I do this joke. The joke is worse because of it.

10:29 I leave the stage to scattered applause and various compliments

Why is this a bad set? The material didn’t work. Flat out. The crowd loved my interaction with them, but that was secondary to what I was trying to accomplish. I wanted to do some new jokes and have some fun, instead I got really mean and my material suffered because of it.