Badder Homes & Gardens

Frameable

2012-02-03T23:02:58Z

Better to fog your spectacles than flog your testicles, amiright?

Eh, fuck you. It’s Friday and I have a brand new house to decorate. Catch you drips on the flip!

T.G.I. Nerday

2012-02-03T19:57:43Z

It’s Friday, grab your dragon mug and let’s toast your virginity. Oh, shit. I spilled my mead on your Magic the Gathering Cards. Just kidding. Made you cry!

Multi Pronged Attack

2012-02-03T18:32:20Z

This utensil has a lot going on. On the one hand it might stab you, but on the other hand it might just redneck you to death.

Fail Whale

2012-02-02T19:59:03Z

I figured the rules for a Moby Dick would be the same as for any other dick – shake it off and zip up. But here it is, the entire novel typed on toilet paper for just $999 on eBay. Let’s joke about it, shall we? I guess this guy had a lot of time to Moby Dick-around. Dar she flows…ummm. Can you turn around? I have a shy bladder. Oh wait, I’m not done. Guess it’s time I introduce the white whale to my brown whale. No, never mind. I was done.

Who Wants Kidney Stones?

2012-02-02T00:54:29Z

With just a flick of the wrist you, too, can enter the enchanting wonderland of high blood pressure, bloating and swollen ankles. Welcome to your 30s, snitches.

Magical Wand Salt & Pepper Shaker, $15

Sweet Dreams are Made of…BRAINNNNNNS

2012-02-01T20:46:18Z

I hope they make a matching rubber mattress liner. The only way this bed set gets more disturbing is if the fitted sheet has an easy-access hole for your mattress’ built in flesh-light.

Beast of Burden

2012-01-31T23:30:33Z

No sir! This creepy beast freaked me out as a kid and now it’s back to haunt my fucking days. Oh sorry, your Facebook page was up… What are we talking about? This adorable felted Falkor? Aww, he’s sooooo cute.

A Spot or Blotch or Pustule of Tea

2012-01-31T19:39:35Z

I’m a little teapot,

Short and stout.

Here is my handle,

Here is my spout.

When I get all steamed up

I will shout

That you’ll probably get gastroenteritis from non-pathogenic microbial bone-decay residue contaminating your tea, or possibly even contract cadaverine or putrescine from ingesting toxic doses of the substances.

Hear Me Now, Indite Me Later

2012-01-31T19:35:44Z

These ear guards may keep the ~~crabs~~ bed bugs at bay, but they won’t block out your neighbor’s vapid laughter as she smokes a doobie (yes, I say doobie) under your bedroom window with some schmo at 12:30 AM on Tuesday morning. I opened the window and suggested she take it inside. She said, “But I can’t smoke inside.” I said, “Well, I can’t shoot my rifle inside and yet I’ve refrained from coming out there and shooting you in the face.” Then I kicked back and waited for the po-po. I sleep like a baby in a holding cell.

My Hate Soars

2012-01-31T02:24:07Z

These lights remind me of you. They’re not that bright and they’re totally screwed…to the wall.