***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

You know how it goes. You want this little person to do the thing and they won’t do the thing and somehow zero-point-two-seconds later you’re in the midst of a tear-filled screaming match in the hair care aisle at CVS.

You start thinking about how your real kid may have been switched at birth for this pint-sized tyrant who seems bent on reenacting “The Omen” in public. And teenagers make you want to skip right past negotiating and just call an exorcist. Yes, you love them, but kids can drive you crazy.

Or… maybe we’re just working off a completely boneheaded paradigm when we deal with our children. I will now attempt to illustrate this point with a seemingly absurd scenario:

I’m with my fictional friend Hans. Hans only speaks German.

Me: Speak English.

Hans: (something in German)

Me: ENGLISH!

Hans: (something in German)

Me: Stop defying my will, Hans!

Hans: (shouts in German)

And on it goes. Who’s the idiot here? Me. Why? I’m acting like he’s willfully resisting me when the reality is that he simply doesn’t have the skills required to comply. No amount of me shouting, threatening or pleading is going to suddenly teach him to speak another language.

If I asked you “Do kids have the abilities and self-control of adults?” you would laugh and say, “Of course not.” But we often treat kids — especially during heated moments — like they have the abilities and self-control of adults. Does not compute.

This doesn’t mean we just let them do whatever they want. But it does mean we need to think a little less of parenting as being a prison warden and more like it’s about teaching.

Yeah, sounds nice but easier said than done, right? Well, let me up the ante even more…

What if you could exert discipline and teach your kids better behavior and develop a stronger bond with them, all at the same time? Sound good? But how the heck do you do that?

Frankly, I have no idea. But luckily, Ross Greene does…

He was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years. Greene designed a system that has not only been validated by research but has also been successfully used for decades in families, schools, juvenile detention facilities and inpatient psychiatric units. His book is The Explosive Child.

Let’s get to it…

Mad Skillz

For sake of argument, I’m going to assume your child is not pure evil, malevolently bent on resisting your wishes and focused on spoiling your dreams. It’s a stretch, but indulge me.

Start with the assumption that your kid is lacking skills, not the desire to comply. Work from the idea that kids do well if they are able to. If someone does not have the skills to deal with frustration and rationally problem-solve at a particular moment, they simply cannot do the right thing, no matter how much you shout or threaten.

How rational are you when you’re all worked up? Exactly. And taking away Hans’ Xbox will not teach him another language.

From The Explosive Child:

I encourage you to put aside the conventional wisdom and strategies and consider the alternate view: that your child is already very motivated to do well and that his challenging episodes reflect a developmental delay in the skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. The reason reward and punishment strategies haven’t helped is because they won’t teach your child the skills he’s lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to challenging episodes. Indeed, you’ve probably noticed that punishment actually adds fuel to the fire, and that your child only becomes more frustrated when he doesn’t receive an anticipated reward. Your energy can be devoted far more productively to collaborating with your child on solutions to the problems that are causing challenging episodes than in sticking with strategies that may actually have made things worse and haven’t led to durable improvement… You and your child are going to be allies, not adversaries. Partners, not enemies.

What evidence do you already have for this? That your kid doesn’t misbehave 24-7. I’ll bet the majority of the problems you have aren’t random. Maybe getting them to do their homework consistently produces a meltdown. Or bedtime is always a battle of epic proportions. There are a handful of situations that are disproportionately responsible for the conflict you two experience.

He has “difficulty with doing chores.” She has “difficulty with getting up for school.” That’s something we can address. Parents often shout “You do this every time!” but rarely stop to think there might be a real reason it happens so consistently at that particular time. There’s what Greene calls an “unsolved problem.”

But instead of thinking about the skill that’s lacking, we just focus on the bad behavior. If we aim to discover and solve the underlying problem, the behavior goes away on its own.

You want him to stop hitting his sister when he gets frustrated. Do you really think for a second his thought process is, “I just love punching my sister. It’s one of my favorite hobbies.” Of course not. It’s more like, “I’m frustrated and don’t know how to handle my emotions.”

If you just enforce a strict ban on sister-punching, it’s not going to teach him to handle anger any more than me shouting is going to teach Hans a second language. Sister-punching is just going to morph into some new anger-induced bad behavior, leaving you to assume the kid has a lot more problems than he really does. The unaddressed anger issues just create a game of “Bad Behavior Whac-A-Mole” that you will never, ever win.

Help them identify the unsolved problem, teach them the lagging skill, and the awful behavior gets replaced by something that will make them a more effective human — and stop you from going prematurely gray.

(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Sounds good, but there’s a very common resistance to this logic that we need to address…

“But I’m The Parent!”

Many parents will respond that the kid should just obey. “They’re the child! I’m the adult!” To this I have a very simple reply:

So how’s that working out for you?

(Don’t bother to reply. I know the answer — because you’re still reading this.)

“The kid should just obey” is the old paradigm. Parenting from when TV’s weren’t flat and telephones were all attached to a wall. And maybe it forced short-term compliance but it didn’t teach Hans another language and so sister-punching just turned into some other bad behavior. And now that kid is an adult and he’s probably breaking into my car right now.

The irony of merely imposing your will on a child is that the kids least likely to be able to comply with this method are the ones most likely to receive it. Kid has trouble with emotional control, so we shout and threaten, this causes further emotional overwhelm which the kid doesn’t have the ability to handle, and it’s a downward spiral until your living room is a reality show.

Most times when you see conflict escalate it’s because of that logic — that it’s a contest of wills, not skills. If a child is upset, threats just make it worse, and if a kid is not upset, threats are an excellent way to get them upset. You have the skills to control your behavior, they don’t.

Greene sums it up nicely:

Here’s a simple math equation that might suffice. Inflexibility + Inflexibility = Meltdown.

Nobody’s saying you have to cave and give in. But it’s not weak to ask questions. To assume that maybe there is a legitimate reason they’re struggling, and that it’s something you can help them get better at. Being immediately dismissive of someone’s feelings is rarely a good idea.

Do you want your child to be an adult who just mindlessly obeys? No. We want them to have better self-control, better problem-solving skills, to consider the feelings of others and to negotiate.

From The Explosive Child:

If a kid is putting his concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward a solution that works for both of you—and if therefore the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes are being reduced—then he’s most assuredly being held accountable and taking responsibility for his actions.

We’re forgetting that parents don’t just need to be enforcers — they need to be teachers. Many will say, “He just wants attention” or “She just wants her own way.” Here’s the thing: those two sentences are true of every human on this planet. Your kid is just going about it all wrong. They need to learn the skills to do it better.

Without them, they’re not learning a lesson about emotional control or frustration tolerance, they’re learning that whoever has more power can unilaterally make the rules. Congrats, you’re raising a bully. Start saving bail money and tell him to stop breaking into my car.

People with MD’s don’t rob banks and they don’t buy lottery tickets. They have the skills to make a lot of money in a better way. If your kid knew a better way to get what they want, they’d do that.

(To learn how to deal with out-of-control kids — from hostage negotiators — click here.)

Alright, lots of talk about teaching skills and problem-solving… but how do we actually do that?

Collaboration

Okay, so we are no longer responding to child tantrums with the words “RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.” Time for Hans and I to both take some Berlitz classes.

The best time to start a good regimen of diet and exercise isn’t after your quadruple bypass; it’s 20 years before your heart attack. And the best time to use this system isn’t when someone four-feet tall is screaming bloody murder in the vegetable aisle of the supermarket, it’s when things are calm at home. It can work in the midst of an argument, but it’ll be more effective and less stressful if you’re proactive.

There are three steps here and Greene has a Magic Formula for each. This should make things a lot easier for you to execute and, more importantly, should drastically reduce the amount of email I get saying, “But I don’t know what you’re telling me to do, Eric.”

Step 1: Empathy

Let’s say that getting them to do homework is always a struggle. But you’re smart, you didn’t wait until the next homework deathmatch to have this conversation. You’re being proactive. Time to address the problem before it’s a nightmare.

From The Explosive Child:

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.

So what’s the Magic Formula for the Empathy step?

“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”

So you’d say, “I’ve noticed we’ve been having some difficulty when it’s time to do your homework. What’s up?”

Be calm and gentle. This isn’t an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, “I don’t know” or silence. That’s okay.

Frankly, the kid probably doesn’t know. They probably haven’t thought that much about it. Children aren’t known for quiet reflection, pondering the difficulties of life while lounging in a smoking jacket with a snifter of brandy. Heck, you don’t know why you do half the things you do either. It’s okay.

Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify. And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.

Some parents will say, “But I do listen! Why are we still dealing with this issue over and over?” If you already have a solution in mind and are just listening until it’s your turn and then tell them what you were going to tell them anyway, you’re wasting your time. Their issues won’t be addressed and the solution won’t last and you’ll be doing this whole thing again in a few days. I call it “Sisyphean Parenting.” By the way, it doesn’t work.

Patience. Gently ask questions. Don’t judge.

Step 2: Define The Problem

Okay, they told you their side. And knowing how kids are, they probably didn’t think too much about how that affects anyone other than themselves and that’s why they’re in trouble. But that’s okay. They’re a kid. If they had the skills, they would.

Again, don’t jump to solutions just yet. We need to teach them those skills: being considerate of others, problem-solving, etc. And that means we collaborate, not dictate.

The “Defining the problem” step is when your needs enter into the equation. Magic Formula?

“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)

Calm and gentle. Avoid the word “you” because unless it’s followed by “are wonderful” it’s going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word “I” and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people’s perspectives.

Do both of you understand where the other is coming from? Can you both summarize the other’s position to their satisfaction? Awesome. Let’s build some more skills.

Step 3: The Invitation

Now it’s time for solutions. And, no, you still don’t get to suggest one. Sorry.

Magic Formula?

“I wonder if there’s a way we can…” + (address kid’s concern) + “but that still makes sure to” + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”

This teaches them to take other people’s feelings into consideration when problem-solving — which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands.

Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn’t just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you’re interested in their ideas. It’s a bonding moment. It teaches them, by example, how to collaborate — as opposed to teaching them “How To Be A Dictator.”

This is how you teach them skills that will make them a successful adult. And it doesn’t involve lectures that they’ll ignore.

(To learn how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, click here.)

Yeah, I know: nothing is ever that simple with kids. So how do we know if it’s working? And how do we course correct when it inevitably doesn’t the first time around?

The 2 Criteria For Good Solutions

In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:

• It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
• It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.

For the record, kids are terrible at both of these. That’s understandable, these are skills to be learned. So let’s start teaching — but not by lecturing.

Children will offer solutions that solve their problem but not yours. So again, we’re gonna build those empathy muscles along with problem-solving powers. Don’t say, “That’s a terrible idea.” There are no bad solutions here, only ones that aren’t realistic or mutually satisfactory.

Greene’s Magic Formula for this one?

“Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.”

And let them try again. They’re learning to think about others’ feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you’re done for now. They’ll be more likely to follow through because it’s their solution.

You’ll know you’re making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it’s more realistic or more mutually satisfying.

In fact, it’s good if you both acknowledge that the first solution may not work, but that you’re both trying in good faith. Often neither of you will know if it’s truly realistic or mutually satisfactory until it’s been tried. Acknowledging that durable solutions are refined with time reduces conflict. So don’t expect immediate miracles.

Just the fact that you both showed empathy and listened will bring you closer together than shouting and orders. It’ll make “Solution 2.0” better because your kid knows you’re willing to calmly listen and to give them some autonomy. You may not have immediately solved the issue, but you definitely improved the relationship. And that’s what leads to many more good solutions in the future.

(To learn the 10 steps to raising happy kids, click here.)

Okay, we’ve covered a lot. Let’s round it all up — and for those who feel that this might be too touchy-feely, that the adult world is not always so collaborative, well, we’re gonna address that too…

Sum Up

Here’s how to be a fantastic parent:

• Mad Skillz: It’s not a battle of wills, it’s all about skills. And if you listen, they’ll learn.
• “But I’m the parent!“: If that was working there is no way you would have read this far. You’re not that masochistic.
• Step 1 – Empathy: “I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”
• Step 2 – Define the problem: “The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)
• Step 3 – Invitation: “I wonder if there’s a way we can…” + (address kid’s concern) + “but that still makes sure to” + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”
• Realistic and Mutually Satisfying: I’m not sure those words describe anything I’ve ever done in my life, but when their solution hits both marks, you’re golden.

Some might say the adult world is not always such a collaborative place. Your kid may end up in a job with a boss who unilaterally dictates orders, doesn’t listen and makes threats.

That is a 100% real possibility. And that is a problem…

Which is why we taught them awesome problem-solving skills, right?

From The Explosive Child:

A (dictator) boss is a problem to be solved. How does your child learn to solve problems? (With the above three steps.) Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority… or identifying and articulating one’s concerns, taking others’ concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory…? If kids are completely dependent on imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults aren’t around to impose their will?

I’m going to stop shouting at Hans and we’re both going to use Google Translate.

You’re teaching your kid the skills they need to be empathetic and respectful, to problem-solve and negotiate. And in the process, you’ll get better at those things too.

When it comes to abilities, we act like kids are our equals. But when it comes to respect, we act like they’re inferior to us.

Try reversing that.

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The post 3 Simple Rituals That Will Make You A Fantastic Parent appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

Last year Cal Newport convinced 1600 people to completely change their lives.

He asked them to take a 30-day break from the optional technologies in their lives. Unless not using it would get you fired, divorced, or cause the people you love to spontaneously burst into flame, it was out. Say goodbye to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for a month.

And anything not optional got rules: only checking email at designated hours and the screen time limits you might impose on your kids now got imposed on you. So what happened?

No, nobody had a seizure. And, yes, the initial transition was rough for many. But after that, in the vast majority of cases, it utterly changed people’s lives for the better.

They got happier. More productive. They spent more quality time with their kids. One father remarked how weird it was to be the only parent at the playground not looking at his phone.

Research shows 70% of your happiness comes from relationships:

Contrary to the belief that happiness is hard to explain, or that it depends on having great wealth, researchers have identified the core factors in a happy life. The primary components are number of friends, closeness of friends, closeness of family, and relationships with co-workers and neighbors. Together these features explain about 70 percent of personal happiness. – Murray and Peacock 1996

And what’s the biggest controllable factor that’s taking quality time away from your relationships? Probably your phone. The internet. The pseudo-relationships you have on social media.

We’ve read a thousand tips and tricks for reducing our screen time but they’re like fad diets and are generally only effective until the next time you feel a buzzing in your pocket.

Technology’s not evil, but we need to find a balance. We need more than tips, we need a philosophy. A system. Dare I say, an ethos. And Cal has one for us: “Digital Minimalism.”

No, Cal’s not going to tell you to smash your phone. Quite the opposite: He’s a professor of Computer Science at Georgetown University, sporting a PhD from MIT. The Force is strong with this one. He’s the bestselling author of a whole bunch of books, including the amazing Deep Work.

His latest book is Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World. 

I gave Cal a call to find out how we can get the best of technology — so it doesn’t get the best of us. This isn’t another rant about the evils of screens. It’s a battle plan for building a better life.

Let’s get to it…

The True Enemy Is “Reverse FOMO”

FOMO: fear of missing out. You’ve probably clicked an article about the subject because, hey, wouldn’t wanna miss out on the latest internet hysteria. But FOMO is a false god. It’s not the real problem.

The real problem is “reverse FOMO”. You’re not missing out on anything online. But by always being online you’re missing out on life. Here’s Cal:

We have this idea of FOMO, which is that if you’re not super-connected, there could be something you’re missing out on. But the reality is that the issue most people are having is that because they’re using technology more than they know is healthy, it’s crowding out all the things that we know deep down make a good life good. People are missing out on real-world conversation, which is just crucial for a satisfying life. Being with people in person, sacrificing time and effort to actually be with someone, to connect with them through the good, the bad, the boring, the interesting. We need that to survive.

The ability to lift your phone at any moment is slicing good hours into time confetti. It’s preventing us from accomplishing big things and focusing on the people we love. And at the same time it’s creating a salad bar of new problems like anxiety, FOMO and loneliness. Sorry, your brain needs more social connection than Facebook Likes can provide. Here’s Cal:

…we’re seeing this increasingly strong signal that more social media use means higher likelihood of loneliness. And one of the leading hypotheses is that social media displaces real-world interaction. If you’re on social media all the time, you feel like you’re very social, and therefore you don’t invest the effort required to do as much real-world interaction. Our brains evolved for millions of years with no like buttons or emojis. When you say, “Okay, I’m not going to give you any face to face interaction, but what I am going to give you is a little number that counts how many hearts someone clicks on a picture” — that’s not satisfying it. That’s why you can ironically end up more lonely when you spend more time on social media platforms. It’s something we should be much more afraid of than we are.

Too much phone time isn’t just distracting us from our relationships — research shows it’s making us worse at conducting them. Here’s Cal:

Sherry Turkle from MIT documents that conversation actually requires practice. There’s a dance involved in sitting across from someone and negotiating that interaction. And if you rob a lot of that from your life, you get bad at it. It not only makes you lonely, it not only brings out anxiety-related disorders, it makes you really bad at relating when you have to do it.

People will respond “But social media is good for X and Y. I do get value from it!” No doubt. But that logic is a trap. Plenty of things have some value — the question is what are you giving up in exchange for it?

You have 24 hours in a day. If you’re doing one thing, you’re not doing another. Is the value you get from epic hours online better than the value you’d get from the alternative? Better than quality time with friends? We need to be more conscious of the choices we’re making.

When a friend convinces you to download yet another app, they may say “you don’t know what you’re missing.” But when it comes to real life, we do know what we’re missing. And often it’s far more valuable than whatever another dinging notification brings.

(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

So what do we do about it?

Forget Lifehacks — Start With Values

Tech’s not good. Tech’s not evil. Tech’s a tool. You can use it for good or for let’s-be-honest-checking-email-300-times-a-day-is-not-very-good.

You never sat down and decided that your default should be you’ll stare at your phone every time you have a free second. But somehow it became the rule anyway.

And that’s the problem. We didn’t make a decision. And that has led to epic amounts of asking, “Where the heck did all my time go?”

We don’t need a lifehack. We need to start with values to make sure that technology serves us instead of us serving it. A hammer is a tool. But you wouldn’t default to picking it up every time you had a free moment. That would be silly.

You’d grab it for a purpose that served your goals. But things get screwed up when you don’t know what your values and goals are. Here’s Cal:

What matters is your whole picture for your life. You’re trying to build a good life that focuses on the things that are important to you, and technology is only useful in so much as it helps support the things you really care about. What this means is that you’re going to be very intentional. “Here’s what I really value. I’m going to focus my energy on these things, and I’m going to ignore and miss out on everything else.” That intentionality itself can be way more satisfying and positive than the benefits you get from all of those minor conveniences and minor dollops of value. You’re figuring out what’s important to your life. For each of these things, you’re stepping back and saying, “What’s the best way to use technology, if at all, to support this value?” and then you ignore everything else.

If your career is everything to you and you’re in sales, hey, maybe you need to check email 300 times a day. No problem — that’s in service of your values. But that’s not the case for most of us.

You need to ask yourself what’s important to you. And then make a decision about how technology fits into your life to serve those goals. Be intentional abut setting rules that serve your purpose. Here’s Cal:

How many people just made a New Year’s resolution to look at their phone less? That doesn’t do it. How many people have read the same article again and again about turning off their notifications? That’s the equivalent of telling people, “Vegetables are good for you. Try to eat less and move more.” It’s not enough. People need a philosophy based on their values so we don’t have to think about it. Digital Minimalism is one such philosophy. It’s like the veganism or the paleo of the digital world.

“Paleo for your screen” has a nice ring to it. But that might be too extreme for most of us.

But you need to know your values and priorities. And then set rules that work for them. Because as we’ve all seen, if we don’t start with values tech time will fill every void by default and you’ll end up wondering where the hours went.

You may also end up wondering where you friends and family went too.

(To learn how to stop checking your phone, click here.)

I know what a lot of people are thinking: “Um, other than vague platitudes about putting those I love first, what are my values?” And that leads us to another problem with tech. To address this one, we actually need to start by getting away from people.

In fact, we need to get away from everything for a little while…

Try A Long Walk Without A Phone

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away people used to do this thing called “thinking.” They didn’t listen to anything, read anything, or talk to anyone for a little while. You can look this “thinking” thing up on Wikipedia and it probably has a picture of a horse and buggy next to it.

These days I think many of us are scared to death of being alone with our own minds. This wasn’t always the way. And it’s not good. Here’s Cal:

A smartphone made it possible for the first time in human history to eliminate all moments of solitude and deep thought from your day because it provides an endless stream of compelling stimuli. If you want to take in ideas and process them into something valuable, this requires a lot of thinking, and this thinking has to be done free from other stimuli. So if you want to take the great ideas from that new Eric Barker article and integrate them into your life into a way that’s really useful, you can’t just read the article. You also are going to have to spend some time thinking about what you read and place it within the structures that already exist in your life. You have to have time alone with your thoughts to extract anywhere near the full possible value from information.

We need to do less reacting and more reflecting. Back to Professor Cal:

Having insight about your values, your life, changes in your life, what you want to do, how you want to live, these key bits of self-reflection that help us grow as human beings absolutely depend on solitude. There has to be time where it’s you alone with your thoughts.

So go out and take a long walk, sans phone, and try this “thinking” thing. Reading and listening to good ideas is awesome — trust me, I’m a big fan. But we also need time alone to create good ideas.

We need to think about what is important to us. When we have the answer to that, many other decisions become much much easier.

(To learn the 4-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

So you’re taking time to think. You know what’s important to you. But now you’re going to face the same problem the 1600 people in Cal’s experiment did:

“What the heck do I do with myself now that I’m not online all the time?”

“High Quality Analog Leisure”

Archaeologists have discovered that back in that Dark Ages when people did that “thinking” thing,  they also engaged in these odd rituals called “hobbies.” These were projects where they gained skills and created things without incentives from an employer. How quaint. Here’s Cal, who explains things with 90% less snark:

Historically, especially in the 19th century or the 20th century, as people had more leisure time, the natural discomfort with boredom drove them to try to fill it with quality activities or community engagement, high-skilled hobbies, intellectual pursuits that are done for non-professional reasons, like poetry and novels and big idea thinking. And we were always driven towards this.

We all have activities we’re passionate about. Things we’d like to do that make us feel proud of ourselves. Things we’d like to be respected for. We look at people who teach themselves to play the guitar or learn another language and say, “Where do they find the time?”

But we all have the same 24 hours. Really. (It has to do with physics or something.) I laugh when I see articles on the net about, “How To Read More Books.” They get a lot of clicks. And people often ask me, “Eric, you read a lot. How can I read more?” But I won’t be posting on the subject anytime soon. Actually, I will.

Here you go: “The things that are not reading, do them less. The things that are reading, do them more. The End.”

We all have 24 hours. It’s about priorities. And many of us are making our phones and social media a big priority — whether we admit it to ourselves or not.

One of the most common things Cal heard from the 1600 was, “I forgot just how much I enjoyed doing X.” We should all do more X. And some Y. Forget Z, it sucks.

We blast our free hours into time confetti and then can’t conceive of how people take on big personal projects or learn new skills. What hobby might bring you more joy or pride?

Seriously, answer that question — because if you don’t know the answer, your efforts to curb your tech use will inevitably fail. You must have something to fill the void. And it has to excite you more than Instagram.

(To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.)

So other than your new stamp-collecting hobby, what else do you need to do? Hint: it involves people…

Make Awesome Plans With Friends

Social media is the empty calories of friend nutrition. Keep stuffing your face with digital Doritos and you won’t have time for a real meal.

Think the world will end if you don’t comment on your friend’s next Facebook selfie? It won’t if you go visit them in person. Here’s that Cal guy again:

Digital minimalists are way more invested in real-world conversation. Maybe they don’t comment on that baby picture, but they show up unsolicited with dinner so you don’t have to cook that night. They call you. And it’s a priority for them. “I want to talk to you. What’s going on? How’s X, Y, Z happening with your work?” And so their friendships end up becoming much stronger.

This is what he saw with the 1600. (I encourage you all to emulate them — and bring me dinner.)

Do your best not to socialize digitally anymore if you can help it. Don’t use texting to catch up — use it for logistics to arrange a get together. Prioritize quality over quantity. Less texting, more hugging. Hugs make you happy. Science says so. Mom says so. Scientific moms say so.

But the big thing we’re missing these days is activities. People used to do things. Yeah, coffee or a drink is nice, but we need events, celebrations and competitions. Poker nights, board games, pickup basketball. We need to be a part of something and have a medium in which to connect, cooperate and express ourselves. Here’s Señor Newport:

So this is one of the benefits you get from high-quality leisure activities that have a social component to them, such as playing a board game with a group of friends or Ultimate Frisbee with your team. Part of why these types of things seem to be really beneficial is that the structure of the activity allows you a lot more flexibility and enjoyment in your social interaction that you might have in a simple conversation.

Play Monopoly. Plan an outing. Go conquer a neighboring village.

(To learn how to have a long awesome life, click here.)

Okay, we’ve learned a lot about what we’ve been missing. Let’s round it all up and see just how essential being part of a real-life community is to every one of us…

Sum Up

This is the most powerful way to make your life fantastic:

• Reverse FOMO is the problem: You’re not missing anything online. But if you’re always online you’re missing a lot of what makes life great.
• You Don’t Need Lifehacks, You Need Values: If you don’t know what’s more important to you than spending time on Instagram, you will keep spending all your time on Instagram.
• Long Walks Without A Phone: Thinking. Give it a try. I promise you, it’s not something you want someone else to do for you.
• High Quality Analog Leisure: Make something, learn something, practice something. We all have 24 hours in a day. Someone else is not doing cooler things than you because they have “more time”. It’s because they have different priorities.
• Make Awesome Plans With Friends: Which village should we conquer first?

It’s about feeling good about yourself. Living a life in alignment with your deepest values. Accomplishing things you’re proud of. And, most of all, being engaged with a community of people who love and support you.

I like technology. So do you. Nobody’s saying we have to surrender our phones and smash our routers. The issue is, by not having rules around how much we use it, we’ve quietly sacrificed some things that are vital. We can’t let digital connection get in the way of real community. That’s what we should be afraid of missing out on. It’s more important than any buzzing in our pocket — and if we take the time to really think about what makes us truly happy, we’ll choose community over modern conveniences almost every time.

I’m not trying to be all sappy and poetic. We have evidence. By the end of the nineteenth century, cities in America were rapidly moving toward what would become the modern world. New technologies, more convenience — but less community.

However, among the Native American tribes, not much was changing. Largely egalitarian and ruled by consensus, they lived much the same as they had for thousands of years. Not much new technology, but no shortage of community.

Here’s what’s interesting: city-dwellers sometimes left to join the Native American tribes. But the reverse almost never occurred.

From Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging:

It may say something about human nature that a surprising number of Americans—mostly men—wound up joining Indian society rather than staying in their own. They emulated Indians, married them, were adopted by them, and on some occasions even fought alongside them. And the opposite almost never happened: Indians almost never ran away to join white society. Emigration always seemed to go from the civilized to the tribal, and it left Western thinkers flummoxed about how to explain such an apparent rejection of their society.

Actually, it even gets more extreme than that.

From Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging:

“When an Indian child has been brought up among us, taught our language and habituated to our customs,” Benjamin Franklin wrote to a friend in 1753, “[yet] if he goes to see his relations and make one Indian ramble with them, there is no persuading him ever to return.” On the other hand, Franklin continued, white captives who were liberated from the Indians were almost impossible to keep at home: “Tho’ ransomed by their friends, and treated with all imaginable tenderness to prevail with them to stay among the English, yet in a short time they become disgusted with our manner of life… and take the first good opportunity of escaping again into the woods.”

Humans are a social species. We long to be part of a community, part of a tribe. Given the option, we’ll always choose it. The modern world isn’t giving us a lot of great choices. So we must create them for ourselves. And the first step toward that is making sure that technology serves our communal needs, rather than replacing them.

Seriously, how many of the best moments of your life happened in front of a screen?

Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

New Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You Happy

New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful

How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

The post This Is The Most Powerful Way To Make Your Life Fantastic appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

There are plenty of ways to make your life a little better. But making your life longer is trickier. Does any of that anti-aging stuff work? Let’s ask an expert…

Thomas T. Perls, M.D., M.P.H, is the director of the New England Centenarian Study, and an associate professor of medicine and geriatrics at Boston University’s med school. What say you, Tom?

A good start to adding more good years to your life would be to get rid of the anti-aging quackery… These guys are just trying to sell you stuff. What does work is living the lifestyle of those who we know are living longer, like those people, I suppose, living in the Blue Zones.

Ouch. No magic pill to prevent aging. But what did he say at the end there? What the heck is a “Blue Zone”? Gimme a sec while I put my research hat on…

A while back a bunch of demographers published a paper in the journal Experimental Gerontology about a place in the Barbagia region of Sardinia where people lived exceptionally long, healthy lives. (They circled it on the map with a blue pen and the name “Blue Zone” stuck.) Well, some place has to have the people who live the longest, right? Just random…

Actually, no. Because they started to find other Blue Zones. Areas where people were up to three times more likely to live to 100 than the average American. And they didn’t just live long — they lived well. Healthier. Happier. Fewer diseases. More energy. Hmm. Care to take a quick trip around the world with me? (We’ll have separate hotel rooms, I promise.)

Okinawa, Japan has the highest life expectancy in the world. Their rate of cardiovascular disease is 20% that of the US. Breast and prostate cancer? 25% as often. And dementia is one-third as likely.

Men from Nicoya, a peninsula off the Pacific Coast of Costa Rica, have twice the chance of making it to age 90 as men from the US, France, or Japan. It took them a while to even realize this was a Blue Zone because life expectancy is so low in neighboring countries that mortality studies didn’t even bother to ask if anyone lived past 80.

In Loma Linda — just 60 miles outside Los Angeles — people live more than 7 years longer than the average Californian. When researchers interviewed a woman there she told them a story about when her father got gored by a bull. Cool story but what’s cooler is that the event happened 107 years ago. Lydia just turned 112.

What the heck is going on in these places? We know magic pills don’t work. Must be due to good genes, right? Wrong:

Scientific studies suggest that only about 25 percent of how long we live is dictated by genes, according to famous studies of Danish twins. The other 75 percent is determined by our lifestyles and the everyday choices we make. It follows that if we optimize our lifestyles, we can maximize our life expectancies within our biological limits.

So demographers, doctors, and scientists collaborated with the National Institute on Aging to get to the bottom of this, analyzing what these groups ate, how much exercise they got, how they socialized, etc.

These are very different places with very different people — but they found patterns. Much of the data is correlational. We can’t just say “do this and you’ll live to 100.” There’s no magic formula. But certain activities, behaviors and rituals came up again and again that seem to point to lessons that might help us all live longer, healthier, happier lives.

Ready, Methuselah? Let’s get to it…

Inconvenience Yourself

A better header would have been, “Exercise.” But if I said that, you wouldn’t do it. And, to be totally honest here, the Blue Zone people (if I say “Blue People” you might think I mean Smurfs) never deliberately exercise either.

But they move. A lot. Their lives are more active — but not in a “Aw, crap, now I have to put on my Nikes and go to Zumba class” kinda way. Activity is built into their day.

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

…they engage in regular, low-intensity physical activity, often as part of a daily work routine. Male centenarians in Sardinia’s Blue Zone worked most of their lives as shepherds, a profession that involved miles of hiking every day. Okinawans garden for hours each day, growing food for their tables. Adventists take nature walks.

So don’t worry about the gym. But engage in activities you enjoy. Or just make your life a little less convenient. Take the stairs. Don’t drive when you can walk.

(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Now we all know that eating is key to health and longevity. So let’s learn a very helpful concept that is easy to use but kinda tricky to say…

Hara Hachi Bu

No, not Hakuna Matata. “Hara Hachi Bu” is a Japanese phrase uttered numerous times a day in the Blue Zone of Okinawa.

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

All of the old folks say it before they eat. It means ‘Eat until you are 80 percent full.’

The researchers never met a centenarian who was on a diet. They never met one that was obese. And again, genetics were not the primary factor here. They didn’t overeat. This helps keep blood pressure and cholesterol under control, reducing the chance of heart disease.

(To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.)

Eating less is good — but what should you eat?

Plant Slant

Nobody in the history of the world has ever said, “Eating more green veggies is a bad idea.”

Most Blue Zone diets were vegetarian or close to it. Meat was eaten rarely.

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

Beans, whole grains, and garden vegetables are the cornerstones of all these longevity diets. Sardinian shepherds take semolina flatbread into the pastures with them. Nicoyans eat corn tortillas at every meal. And whole grain is part of the Adventist diet. Whole grains deliver fiber, antioxidants, potential anti-cancer agents (insoluble fiber), cholesterol reducers, and clot blockers, plus essential minerals. Beans (legumes) also provide a cornerstone to Blue Zone meals. Diets rich in legumes are associated with fewer heart attacks and less colon cancer. Legumes are a good dietary source of healthy flavonoids and fiber (which can reduce the risk of heart attack) and are also an excellent nonanimal source of protein.

I didn’t say *I* think you need to be a vegetarian; I’m just telling you what this research said. Paleo preachers, stand down.

Now there was one thing that deserves special note because it’s the closest thing we have to a magic pill and, frankly, it surprised the heck out of me. Even the FDA said, “Um, yeah, we’re really having trouble arguing with that data. Fine. We’ll kinda say something nice about it.”

And the magic food is, well… nuts. Not crazy. Nuts like actual nuts.

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

Recent findings from a large study of (the Loma Linda Blue Zone) show that those who ate nuts at least five times a week had a rate of heart disease that was half that of those who rarely ate nuts. A health claim about nuts is among the first qualified claims permitted by the Food and Drug Administration. In 2003, the FDA allowed a “qualified health claim” that read: “Scientific evidence suggests but does not prove that eating 1.5 ounces per day of most nuts as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol may reduce the risk of heart disease.”

The researchers sliced the data up every way they could think and still it showed nuts profoundly impact health and longevity. You look at this very impressive chart, I’m gonna go buy some almonds:

And Blue Zoners like their booze. A glass or two of good red wine per day got the thumbs up from the researchers.

(To learn how to deal with passive-aggressive people, click here.)

Alright, we’re nuts about nuts. But if you want to be a full-on Blue Zoner, don’t just shove some in your mouth as you hastily respond to emails and rush out the door…

Downshift

Nicoyans take a break every afternoon to rest and socialize with friends. The Seventh-day Adventists of Loma Linda take Saturday as a sabbath. The little old ladies of Okinawa gather every day at 3:30PM to gossip in traditional social groups known as “moai.”

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

Italian endocrinologist Dr. Claudio Franceschi has developed a widely accepted theory on the relationship between chronic inflammation and aging. Over time, he believes, the negative effects of inflammation build up to create conditions in the body that may promote age-related diseases such as Alzheimer’s disease, atherosclerosis, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. Slowing life’s pace may help keep the chronic inflammation in check, and theoretically, the related disease at bay.

Designate a time to take it easy. To turn off the smartphone notifications. To meditate. Or to laugh with friends until the sun goes down.

(To learn the 4-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

So far we’ve covered things you can do on your own. But being on your own too much is more Red Zone than Blue Zone. (Or maybe it’s a Gray Area?) Anyway…

Belong

Dr. Ilias Leriadis, the vice mayor of the Blue Zone of Ikaria, said the island “is not a ‘me’ place. It’s an ‘us’ place.”

And that was another constant among all of these spots where people forget to die: Family. Religion. Community.

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

Professor Lisa Berkman of Harvard University has investigated social connectedness and longevity. In one study, she looked at the impact of marital status, ties with friends and relatives, club membership, and level of volunteerism on how well older people aged. Over a nine-year period, she found that those with the most social connectedness lived longer.

What’s a good way to get more connected? Rituals. Weekly family dinners. Celebrating holidays. Consistently scheduled get togethers.

The most incredible story about Blue Zone community would have to be that of Stamatis Moraitis. He was born in the Blue Zone of Ikaria but moved to the US as an adult. At 65 he was diagnosed with lung cancer and given six months to live.

He refused chemo, in fact, he refused any treatment at all. He had lived a good life. He decided to return to his homeland to die.

Though weak, he fell in with the rituals of the island. He went to church. He drank wine with old friends. All the while he was counting down the days until he would be buried next to his parents under the oak trees by the blue Aegean Sea…

And then, somehow, thirty-five years went by. He didn’t die. He was 100-years-old. Don’t buy your ticket to Greece just yet — spontaneous cancer remission is far from a common occurrence. In fact, the Blue Zone researchers where so shocked by it they asked him what happened to his cancer. He didn’t know. He had gone back to America at one point to get checked out but he got no answers…

His doctors had all passed away.

(To learn the nine rituals that will make you an amazing parent, click here.)

Belonging is key, and it makes for a happier life. So what’s the most powerful Blue Zone secret of them all? The one that ensures the others work?

Don’t Zone Alone

Belonging in terms of family and religion is great but what makes the Blue Zones so powerful is that everyone supports this same lifestyle. It’s easy to eat a certain way when everyone does.

This doesn’t mean you need to go convert everyone around you but, um, it wouldn’t be a terrible idea if you had a few buddies for your Blue Zone journey, would it?

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

Seventh-day Adventists make a point of associating with one another (a practice reinforced by their religious practices and observation of the Sabbath on Saturdays). Sardinians have been isolated geographically in the Nuoro highlands for 2,000 years. As a result, members of these longevity cultures work and socialize with one another, and this reinforces the prescribed behaviors of their cultures. It’s much easier to adopt good habits when everyone around you is already practicing them.

If you want to live longer, share this post with a friend. Walk together. Eat right together. Downshift together. And don’t forget the nuts.

(To learn how to deal with out-of-control kids — from hostage negotiators — click here.)

Okay, we’ve learned a lot. Yes, this post was long but you’re going to live a lot longer now so I feel no guilt whatsoever.

Let’s round it all up and learn reason number seven — which may be the most profound of them all…

Sum Up

This is how to live a long, awesome life:

• Inconvenience Yourself: Build more movement into your day. Take the stairs, not the escalator. Don’t use the phone, go see a friend. If you want French Press coffee, walk to France.
• Hara Hachi Bu: Eat until you’re 80% full. (The people of Okinawa seem pretty cool and I don’t think they’ll mind if you culturally appropriate this concept for the purposes of death prevention.)
• Plant Slant: More veggies. Nuts are the Infinity Stones of longevity eating, Thanos.
• Downshift: I’m not writing a description for this. I deserve a siesta. Taking it easy will extend my life so I can write more blog posts later.
• Belong: In the Blue Zone of Ikaria, there is no word for “privacy.” Now I do enjoy my privacy — but being so supported and loved that you don’t even bother to create a word for being alone is pretty cool too.
• Don’t Zone Alone: Start a “Blue Man Group” — sans face paint. Surrounding yourself with others who follow some of the Blue Zone ideas will make living longer easier and more fun.

So what’s number 7?

Purpose in life.

Ask yourself, “Why do I wake up in the morning?” If it’s a good reason, you’ll probably have a lot more mornings ahead of you.

From The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest:

Okinawans call it ikigai, and Nicoyans call it plan de vida, but in both cultures the phrase essentially translates to “why I wake up in the morning.” The strong sense of purpose possessed by older Okinawans may act as a buffer against stress and help reduce their chances of suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, arthritis, and stroke. Dr. Robert Butler and collaborators led an NIH-funded study that looked at the correlation between having a sense of purpose and longevity. His 11-year study followed highly functioning people between the ages of 65 and 92 and found that individuals who expressed a clear goal in life—something to get up for in the morning, something that made a difference—lived longer and were sharper than those who did not…

Your purpose in life doesn’t have to be something epic like single-handedly solving global warming. It can be as simple as meaningful work, a hobby you’re passionate about or just wanting to make sure those grandchildren reach their full potential.

And that last one isn’t just something I randomly came up with. It’s a true story the researchers came across during their travels…

Nona wasn’t doing well. She had just celebrated her 100th birthday when she fell ill. She could not get out of bed. Her daughter, Pietrina, thought this might be the end.

Pietrina summoned the entire family — 4 daughters and 13 grandkids. Some of them had to come in from mainland Italy. Nona’s condition worsened. She lay in bed unconscious.

Pietrina’s nephew, who had been flunking out of college, sat at his grandmother’s bedside whispering to her how much he was going to miss her…

And Nona’s eyes popped open. In her native Sardinian she snapped:

I’m not going anywhere until you’re done with the university!

Nona recovered. And her grandson graduated. Sometimes all we need to keep living is a purpose.

And take it from Nona: there is no better purpose than making sure the ones we love are doing well.

Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

New Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You Happy

New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful

How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

The post This Is How To Have A Long Awesome Life: 7 Secrets From Research appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you? Something that you still think about or still affects you to this day.

Hold that thought, okay? Right now we need to do storytime with Uncle Eric:

More than thirty years ago there was a guy named Jamie, his marriage was in the toilet, and he was utterly depressed. Despite having big problems, he didn’t go to a therapist. (Which is ironic because Jamie was a graduate student in psychology, of all things.)

Instead he started writing. A lot. He wrote about his marriage, his career, his childhood. He basically covered every serious issue in his life and how he felt about it. And then something happened…

He felt better. A lot better. And he realized how much his wife meant to him. They resolved their issues. Then he had a thought: maybe writing might help anyone feel better about their struggles in life. And being a psychology grad student, he did a study to test the theory…

And he was right. Since that first paper was published in 1986 literally hundreds of other studies have shown the power of expressive writing to help people with, well, damn near everything in their life. (Yes, that sounds extreme. I know, I know. We’ll get to it. We’re just getting started here, okay?)

In the thirty-plus years since that first epic writing binge many students on the University of Texas at Austin campus have come up to Professor James Pennebaker and said something like:

You don’t remember me, but I was in your experiment a year ago. I just wanted to thank you. It changed my life.

Suitably impressed, are ya? Good. Because we gotta get this show on the road, junior.

James Pennebaker is the Regents Centennial Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. His book is Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain.

So what difference can an evening ritual of writing make for you? And how might the worst thing in your life possibly lead to the best thing?

Let’s get to it…

The Following May Be Hard To Believe…

I have procrastinated writing this section because it feels like something you might hear on an infomercial. Like quackery. Pseudoscience. But it’s real. Scout’s honor.

Jamie’s research found that expressive writing had effects similar to therapy. It was like talking to a close friend or a therapist about your problems but there weren’t any judgments and it didn’t cost $200 an hour.

So you probably won’t be too surprised that writing helped people suffering from depression, anxiety or PTSD. It helped their relationships too. But that wasn’t all…

Their physical health improved as well.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

People who wrote about their deepest thoughts and feelings surrounding traumatic experiences evidenced enhanced immune function compared with those who wrote about superficial topics. Although this effect was most pronounced after the last day of writing, it tended to persist six weeks after the study. In addition, it was again observed that health center visits for illness dropped for the people who wrote about traumas compared to those who wrote on the trivial topics.

Okay, so they caught fewer colds? Yeah, and…

Women with breast cancer reported fewer symptoms and required fewer cancer-related doctor visits. People with asthma and arthritis “reported meaningful improvements in quality of life similar to benefits that would be expected by a successful new drug treatment.” It’s helped people with HIV, cardiovascular disease and chronic pain. People slept better. Smokers were more likely to quit. Several studies even showed that after expressive writing wounds healed faster…

I’m gonna stop before I start to sound like an infomercial or somebody selling magic healing crystals. I wouldn’t blame you at all for feeling some skepticism — I just hope you’re as patient as you are skeptical because it will take you an awfully long time to read the 17,000+ citations on Google Scholar that demonstrate the positive effects of expressive writing.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s not a panacea. It doesn’t cure cancer. Its benefits are modest to moderate and it doesn’t help everyone all the time. That said, it has a lot to offer. It’s stupidly easy. And it doesn’t require some app that’s gonna bill you $9.99 a month for eternity. It’s free.

And as the infomercials love to say: “But wait — there’s more!” Being happier and healthier is nice but expressive writing also demonstrated concrete effects on people’s lives. Students’ grades improved. Unemployed people who did it were far more likely to get jobs.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

Within three months, 27 percent of the experimental participants landed jobs compared with less than 5 percent of those in the time management and no-writing comparison groups. By seven months after writing, 53 percent of those who wrote about their thoughts and feelings had jobs compared with only 18 percent of the people in the other conditions. Particularly striking about the study was that the participants in all three conditions had all gone on exactly the same number of job interviews.

Some might respond by saying they don’t have depression or cancer, so they’re going to stick with their current evening ritual of chips, salsa and “To Catch A Predator” reruns. They don’t have big tragic problems so this wouldn’t be a good evening ritual for them.

Wrong. We all deal with emotional struggles — whether we realize them or not, whether they make us clinically depressed or not. Expressive writing has shown positive effects in people who weren’t dealing with anything serious.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

Looking beyond studies specifically with people diagnosed with a clinical disorder, some evidence for the benefit of expressive writing for feelings of depression and general distress has also been found in people who were not clinically depressed.

So what’s the biggest benefit people report after a few evenings of expressive writing? “Insight.” Most people said they understood themselves better. They felt more meaning in life. To my knowledge, nobody has ever reported effects like that from buying a ShamWow or a Foreman Grill.

(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Okay, Sherlock, we have a mystery on our hands. Shouldn’t anything this amazing involve a doctor’s prescription, insurance deductibles and nuclear fusion? And why didn’t anybody tell me about this after I lost my favorite GI Joe action figure at age 7 or after the Great Eric Depression of 2014?

Simply put, how can something so ridiculously free and easy do so much good?

How The Sorcery Works

We all deal with stress, pain and assorted glitches in the source code of life. Yeah, you can ignore them, bury them or distract yourself but they’re still there. (My own personal experiments have demonstrated that bourbon only qualifies as a “solution” if you’re speaking in terms of chemistry.)

Emotional upheavals you don’t get closure on cause you stress. Mental and physical. They can increase the chance of illness, stroke, heart attack, or worst of all, erectile dysfunction.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

In the short run, restraining thoughts or feelings can immediately affect our body, for example, by increasing perspiration or causing faster heart rates, as seen during lie detector tests. Over time, the work of keeping secrets serves as a cumulative stressor on the body, increasing the likelihood of illness and other stress-related physical and mental problems… Major life experiences that are withheld from others are likely to surface in the forms of anxiety, ruminations, disturbing dreams, and other thought disturbances.

Oh, so when it comes to emotional stuff, you just need to “get it out”? To vent. Right?

Wrong. Merely expressing feelings makes it worse.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

The effects were not due to simple catharsis or the venting of pent-up emotions. In fact, the people who just blew off steam by venting their feelings without any thoughtful analysis tended to fare worse… Talking or writing about the source of our problems without self-reflection merely adds to our distress…

If all it took was venting then complainers and those who pollute our social media feeds with angry rants would be the most emotionally well-adjusted people around.

It’s not the expression of our emotions — it’s making sense of them that sets us right.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

The authors asked the students to write about their thoughts and feelings about their lives. Those who showed more deep-level thinking along with constructive problem solving were less depressed later and had fewer health care visits. Those medical students who merely expressed their emotions and described their anxiety had more health care visits… A large number of good scientific studies conclude that the mere expression of emotion is usually not beneficial on its own. Rather, people typically must learn to recognize and identify their emotional reactions to events. Talking (and other forms of expression) is beneficial when it helps people make sense of their experiences.

You need meaning in your life. And in the modern world, we have tidal waves of information but meaning is about as common as three-legged ballerinas. Life’s inevitable emotional upheavals shake up our vision of the world, mess with our identity and make us question the fragile Etch-A-Sketched vision of meaning we’ve managed to cobble together over the decades.

We ruminate endlessly but that just makes things worse. When you’re merely thinking about your problems, you hop, skip and jump all over the place, never resolving one issue before moving on to the next. Writing forces us to put a structure around life. To make sense of it.

You’ve probably heard some version of the expression, “If you can’t explain it to someone else, you don’t really understand it.” That’s true of our emotional lives as well. Writing — just like talking to someone — forces you to make some sense. And that’s what you need most when life takes your vision of reality and shakes it like a snow globe.

Once you understand something, once you can find a place for it in the story of your life, that’s when you can put it behind you and move on.

(To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.)

Got the gist? Good. Now that you’re sufficiently gisted, let’s clear the decks…

Getting Ready

Your writing ritual can be used for many purposes: dealing with life’s big issues, finally putting some old business to rest, dealing with tough transitions or just stilling an anxious mind.

The only time you really want to avoid writing about something is when it’s still a bit recent and raw or if you find approaching the topic overwhelming.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

The studies that have hinted that expressive writing could be harmful have involved pushing people to engage in emotional processing of events that are overwhelming, are ongoing, or have happened in the previous days or weeks.

The only other thing to keep in mind is that you don’t want to use disclosure as a substitute for action. If the problem has negative effects on your life that take place outside your skull, don’t think that you can skip actually doing something about it.

Just because you’ve emotionally come to terms with debt doesn’t mean you can stop paying off your credit card.

(To learn how to deal with passive-aggressive people, click here.)

So how do we get the most from our writing ritual?

How To Write

Don’t wake up and immediately try to deal with big life issues. Just. Don’t.

There’s a reason this isn’t a morning ritual. And Jamie’s research confirms this: “Across multiple studies, we have had the most success with people writing at the end of their workday.”

So how do you get started? Here’s Jamie:

Find a time and place where you won’t be disturbed. Ideally, pick a time at the end of your workday or in the evening when you know things will be calm and quiet. Promise yourself that you will write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day for at least three or four consecutive days, or a fixed day and time for several weeks (for example, every Thursday evening for this month). Once you begin writing, write continuously. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. If you run out of things to write about, just repeat what you have already written. You can write longhand or you can type on a computer. If you are unable to write, you can also talk into a tape recorder. You can write about the same thing on all days of writing or you can write about something different each day. It is entirely up to you.

Many people experience some initial paralysis around what to write about or how to begin. No need to stress. It’s pretty straightforward. Here’s Jamie:

Over the next four days, I want you to write about your deepest emotions and thoughts about the most upsetting experience in your life. Really let go and explore your feelings and thoughts about it. In your writing, you might tie this experience to your childhood, your relationship with your parents, people you have loved or love now, or even your career. How is this experience related to who you would like to become, who you have been in the past, or who you are now? Many people have not had a single traumatic experience, but all of us have had major conflicts or stressors in our lives, and you can write about them as well. You can write about the same issue every day or a series of different issues. Whatever you choose to write about, however, it is critical that you really let go and explore your very deepest emotions and thoughts.

You can write about anything, but make sure to emphasize feelings. Don’t just record a summary of the events. Look for meaning. Make sense of it. A rule I use is, “If writing about a subject feels scary, definitely write about that.”

And remember that this is for you and you alone. If you think someone else might read it, you’re going to hold back or twist the story. After you’re done you can destroy it or keep it or make a macaroni picture out of it with glitter and put it on the fridge. It doesn’t matter. The exercise is what matters, not the result.

Expect to feel a little sad or out of it when you’re done. Don’t let that scare you from returning to it the next day. Most people in the studies found that those feelings dissipated pretty quickly, in a matter of hours. It’s like seeing a sad movie. But weeks and months later most people felt much, much better.

(To learn the 4-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

Alright, you know what to do. Let’s round it all up — and answer the big question: if writing about your problems simulates the experience of talking to a friend, then why not just talk to a friend?

Sum Up

Here’s the evening ritual that will make you happy and healthy:

• How long has it been? If you’re still in the midst of the problem or find thinking about it overwhelming, give it time. Come back to it in a month.
• Commit to at least four evenings of 15 minutes: Pick a time and place where nobody will bother you. Yes, you can hide in the bathroom if necessary.
• Write nonstop about the most upsetting moment of your life: Points will not be deducted for spelling or grammar. Don’t write for anyone but you.
• For extra credit: Focusing on feelings, tying in many aspects of your life, developing a narrative, and looking for cause and effect are all associated with better results. Make sense of it. Look for meaning.

We see a lot of stuff about how relationships are the key to health — heck, I’ve posted a lot about that. But here’s the part you don’t hear often: if you don’t open up to those friends about your problems, your relationships have zero health benefits.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

In large surveys with corporate employees as well as college students, we find the same thing that other social support researchers have shown: the more friends you have, the healthier you are. However, this effect is due, almost exclusively, to the degree to which you have talked with your friends about any traumas that you have suffered. But here is the kicker. If you have had a trauma that you have not talked about with anyone, the number of friends you have is unrelated to your health.

So why write? Isn’t it just easier to talk to people?

Talking to friends is definitely preferable — but it’s not always safe. There are some damn good reasons not to open up to others about certain subjects. Some people are blabbermouths who won’t respect your secrets.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

According to research by Bernard Rimé at the University of Louvain in Belgium, the average secret told in confidence is spread to at least two other people.

We need to feel safe to really open up. And feeling we’re not going to be judged is critical. When you feel punished for disclosing problems, your health gets worse.

From Opening Up by Writing It Down:

Several studies have found that when people are punished for disclosing their traumatic experiences, their psychological and physical health suffers… Vanessa Juth and her colleagues assessed the health of over 200 bereaved individuals several years after their loss. Those people who reported feeling the greatest pressure from others to not talk about their loss were the people who reported the most mental and physical health problems.

This is why many people counterintuitively open up to bartenders or hairdressers instead of friends or family. In distance, there is safety. And there is complete safety and acceptance in writing.

Writing shouldn’t preclude you from getting support from friends — but when it doesn’t feel safe, the scribbled word is always there to help.

One more thing: it’s important to remember that your default is resilience. You deal pretty well with 99% of what happens to you. This is best proven by the simple fact that you don’t even remember most of what happens to you, let alone end up completely traumatized by it.

We used to have a culture that bottled up everything and that wasn’t a great idea, and now the pendulum has swung more toward everything being trauma and that’s not true or helpful either.

You’re tougher than you think. But every now and then things do happen that send us to the emotional ER, and maybe they’re too sensitive to share with a friend. That’s when writing can really help.

Okay, I’ve typed more than enough. Now it’s your turn.

You’re going to feel much, much better in 2019.

Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

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The post The 3-Step Evening Ritual That Will Make You Happy appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

We all know a few people that treat causing grief like it’s a career. It’s as if your life is a video game and they were put here just to make finishing this level harder.

These aren’t simple jerks or someone having a bad day; these are folks with deep-seated problems. Serious interpersonal dysfunction. Lack of social awareness. And, perhaps most notably, an inability to change.

The DSM-5 says that roughly 15% of people meet the criteria for a personality disorder. And most of them are never diagnosed. Now you’re not a psychiatrist and neither am I, so we shouldn’t run around diagnosing people…

But we can learn enough to recognize if someone is a “high-conflict person”, reasonably give a diagnosis of “no good for moi” and steer clear of them.

So what are the three most pernicious flavors of high-conflict people?

Narcissistic HCPs:

They often seem very charming at first but believe they are hugely superior to others. They insult, humiliate, mislead, and lack empathy for their Targets of Blame. They also demand constant undeserved respect and attention from everyone…  According to a 2008 report of a National Institutes of Health study, more than 6 percent of the general population has the disorder. That’s more than twenty-two million people in North America.

Borderline HCPs:

They often start out extremely friendly—but they can suddenly and unpredictably shift into being extremely angry. When this shift occurs, they may seek revenge for minor or nonexistent slights… The speed with which they turn from seeming to love you to hating you is breathtaking… A 2008 report of a National Institutes of Health study indicates that nearly 6 percent of the general population has BPD.

Antisocial (or Sociopathic/Psychopathic) HCPs:

They can be extremely charismatic—but their charm is a cover for their drive to dominate others through lying, stealing, publicly humiliating people, physically injuring them, and—in extreme cases—murdering them… The large NIH study…determined that 3.6 percent of the population has this disorder. That’s about thirteen million people in North America.

I do want to emphasize that these are disorders. These people are suffering. They’re not necessarily bad people. I don’t want to contribute to mental health stigma — but you need to protect yourself.

Any responsible mental health professional would advise you to keep your distance from people with these problems, if at all possible. Their disorders aren’t going away without serious help, and until they get it, they have the potential to seriously screw your life up.

So how do we learn how to identify and avoid them? Let’s get tips from an expert…

Bill Eddy is a licensed clinical social worker that has provided therapy to patients in psychiatric hospitals for more than a decade. He has taught negotiation and mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and serves as adjunct faculty at the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University.

His book is 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities.

We’re gonna cover the three that are likely to cause the biggest problems for you.

Let’s get to it…

The 4 Behavior Patterns Of High Conflict People

Everybody has bad days. Or bad weeks. So how can you tell if someone is coping with some temporary issues or if they are truly an oh-my-god-watch-out-high-conflict-person?

Look for these four patterns of behavior:

1) Lots of all-or-nothing thinking

HCPs tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution (i.e., everyone doing exactly what the HCP wants). They don’t—and perhaps can’t—analyze the situation, hear different points of view, and consider several possible solutions. Compromise and flexibility seem impossible for them.

2) Intense or unmanaged emotions

HCPs tend to become very emotional about their points of view. They often catch everyone else by surprise with their sudden and intense fear, sadness, yelling, or disrespect. Their responses can be way out of proportion to whatever is happening or being discussed, and they often seem unable to control their own emotions.

3) Extreme behavior or threats

HCPs frequently engage in extreme negative behavior. This might include shoving or hitting someone; spreading rumors and outright lies about them; trying to have obsessive contact with them… There are also some HCPs who use emotional manipulation to hurt others but can appear very emotionally in control while they do it… They often seem clueless about how their behavior has a devastating and exhausting emotional impact on others.

4) A preoccupation with blaming others

The single most common—and most obvious—HCP trait is how frequently and intensely they blame other people, especially people close to them and people who seem to be in positions of authority over them.

If somebody does one of these four, hey, nobody’s perfect. But if someone routinely exhibits all 4? Almost certainly an HCP.

It’s always a good idea to take some time getting to know people. Especially before trusting, hiring, or marrying them. Learn about their personal history, preferably from sources other than merely them.

Yes, some people have had a run of bad luck and their past is marked by problems and bad relationships. But nobody has consistent bad luck for decades. This is probably not someone who has tragically gone from problem situation to problem situation; this is probably Patient Zero.

And if you seriously suspect someone is an HCP, under no circumstances should you accuse them of being a narcissist, borderline or antisocial. You might as well write “please ruin my life” on your forehead.

(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

So you have suspicions about someone. Specifically, what should you look for? Scrutinize their words, emotions and behavior. Let’s start with words…

Words To Look For

Each type gives clues if you listen closely:

• Narcissistic HCPs: Anything that indicates arrogance, entitlement, and a lack of empathy. They see the world as made up of winners and losers.
• Borderline HCPs: Victim narratives will be front and center. You’ll feel bad for them because it seems like their life keeps burning down (but they’ll neglect to mention they’re an arsonist).
• Antisocial HCPs: They will probably attempt to break the record for most lies told in a single conversation.

But all three will eventually display blaming of others, all-or-nothing thinking, victim stories, and a desire to punish.

From 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life:

Watch out for words that grab your attention, especially a pattern of all-or-nothing language. “You always . . .” “You never . . .” “It’s my way or the highway!” “It’s ALL your fault!” Keep in mind that we all say these things occasionally. It’s the pattern and intensity of frequently speaking and writing this way that should grab your attention.

(To learn how to deal with passive-aggressive people, click here.)

So you know what words to look for. But even more telling are emotions…

Emotions To Look For

Extreme ones. Extreme charm, extreme love, and extreme anger are all signs of possible trouble.

Or someone who is tightly controlled with their emotions until — BOOM. They lose it. And suddenly they’re so unrecognizable that you skip telling them to calm down and consider calling an exorcist.

The other emotions to stay aware of are your own. How are they making you feel? Many people end up in toxic romantic relationships with narcissists or borderlines and wonder how it happened. Those powerful feelings they experienced weren’t love — they were emotional manipulation.

Anytime you feel extreme emotions with someone you barely know, it pays to slow things down and be a bit circumspect. So what are you most likely to feel with each type?

With Narcissistic HCPs:

Do you feel stupid or otherwise inadequate around the person? Do you feel in awe of the person and amazed that he or she is spending time with you? … Does it feel like this person has lost interest in you or now insults you in front of others?

When astronomers finally discover the center of the universe, narcissists will be shocked they are not it.

With Borderline HCPs:

Do you feel extremely frustrated with the person, like you want to shake them or yell at them to get them to stop behaving in some inappropriate way? …Are you amazed that your emotions swing back and forth so extremely with this person?

If you wonder how the fully grown adult in front of you has suddenly become the most emotionally overwrought manipulative adolescent imaginable, seeming to cycle through completely different personalities faster than you can change channels on your TV, that’s a borderline.

With Antisocial HCPs:

Do you sometimes feel a sense of danger just being around this person? Do you sometimes get a cold, creepy feeling when this person is around? Do other people tell you that this person can’t be trusted and is a con artist?

If you’ve wondered, “Is there anything this person wouldn’t say to get what they want?” Helloooooo, antisocial.

(To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.)

Emotions are good signs. But nothing beats behavior…

Behavior To Look For

This can seem tricky because there’s no exhaustive list. But there is a simple method you can use that’s quite effective: the “90% rule.”

From 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life:

When you see something extremely negative, ask yourself: Would 90 percent of people ever do this? If the answer is no, you are almost always watching a high-conflict personality in action.

Yes, they’re going to make excuses. Wasn’t my fault, I had a rough day, the dog ate my homework and it was the aliens that built the pyramids. It’ll always be something.

But the most dangerous excuses are the ones you might find yourself making to explain such bad behavior. This means you’re already under their spell…

So relay the story to an objective third party and ask their honest opinion to make sure you’re not in denial about what kind of person you’ve been dealing with.

(To learn how to make your life awesome, click here.)

Okay, at this point you know they are officially a 100% USDA-approved high-conflict person. (Um… congratulations?) So what do you do now?

No further contact. Period.

But, sadly, that is not always an option. So here’s a simple 4-step method for handling that next encounter…

Use “CARS”

No, Lightning McQueen, we’re not talking about the Pixar movie. It’s an acronym:

• Connect with empathy, attention, and respect
• Analyze alternatives or options
• Respond to misinformation or hostility
• Set limits on high-conflict behavior

First, make sure you’re calm. You don’t want to be reactive and you don’t want to show any negativity. (And that can prove very challenging with these people.)

Ready? Alright, let’s walk through the 4 steps…

1) CONNECT WITH ATTENTION, EMPATHY, AND RESPECT

With narcissists and antisocials, emphasize respect. With borderlines, focus on empathy.

From 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life:

“I can see this is a frustrating situation. [Empathy] Tell me more—I want to understand what’s happening from your point of view. [Attention] I have a lot of respect for your efforts to resolve this problem. [Respect]”

Always communicate in a way that you would like them to mirror.

2) ANALYZE ALTERNATIVES OR OPTIONS

Always deal with the problem at hand by presenting them with choices. It gives them the illusion of autonomy and control, which will reduce further conflict.

From 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life:

Talk about options or choices that the person has. You can turn anything into a choice, which makes the person feel more empowered and more respected. For example: Suppose a narcissistic HCP has just dropped in or called you, demanding attention. You could respond: “I can help you right now, but only for about five minutes. Next week, if we schedule it, I can spend about an hour with you on this. It’s up to you.” This approach helps you turn their demand into a choice, so that you can limit their disruption of your time while they still feel respected and considered.

3) RESPOND TO MISINFORMATION OR HOSTILITY

Use a “BIFF response” — brief, informative, friendly and firm.

From 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life:

This is what I call a BIFF response: It’s brief (just a sentence or paragraph), informative (just straight information, not defensiveness), friendly (keeps the tone nonadversarial), and firm (meaning it ends the potentially hostile discussion).

4) SET LIMITS ON HIGH-CONFLICT BEHAVIOR

If your boundaries seem arbitrary they will almost certainly try and steamroll you. Narcissists will demand, borderlines will cry, and antisocials will turn on the charm.

So make sure your limits come from an external source outside your control: “I’d love to give you what you want but my boss/spouse/dominatrix just won’t let me.”

From 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life:

That’s why you can’t just say no; you have to back it up with firm boundaries and clear consequences for violating them. You may need to set limits on the topics you will discuss, the amount of time you will spend together, the tasks you will do or not do for them, and so forth. In practice, we do this with everyone we meet, but people who are not high-conflict types intuitively understand our limits and normally don’t violate them… Make it clear that the limit isn’t about them; explain how your schedule, your boss, or other external circumstances require you to set this limit, and hold it firmly in place.

And make sure to never trigger the deepest fear of an HCP while dealing with them:

• Narcissistic HCPs fear disrespect. Of course, they act like jerks and people inevitably lose respect for them.
• Borderline HCPs fear abandonment. Of course, they are a nonstop emotional rollercoaster that makes everyone run away from them as soon as humanly possible.
• Antisocial HCPs fear control. So they break every rule and often end up in prison, utterly controlled.

(To learn the 4-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

Okay, we’ve covered a lot. Let’s round it all up and talk about the dangers of flying monkeys. Yes, I said “flying monkeys”…

Sum Up

This is how to avoid toxic people:

• Behavior patterns to look for: Blaming, all-or-nothing thinking, playing the victim and unmanaged emotions.
• Words to look for: “I blame you for not paying more attention to what I wrote above. You never, ever read what I write, do you? I feel so victimized by you skimming this page. And one day I’ll get back at you. Just you wait…”
• Emotions to look for: Your own. If you’re having extreme ones — even if they’re positive — be wary.
• Behavior to look for: 90% of people would not kick an old lady down a flight of stairs. (Even if she did have it coming.)
• Use “CARS”: Connect, Analyze Options, Respond with BIFF, Set Limits.

So what’s a flying monkey? If you’re thinking “Wizard of Oz”, you get the reference. They’re the ones that did the Wicked Witch’s dirty work.

Flying monkeys are people under the spell of the HCP. They fell for one of the victim stories — and in this narrative you’re the bad guy. HCP’s love a good smear campaign.

So the flying monkey thinks they’re being a good friend, coming to the aid of their beleaguered pal, and attacking you — that horrible, horrible person. This can lead to rumors spread around the office or social circles that make you look bad and probably aren’t easily traceable back to their source, the HCP.

The flying monkey is probably a decent person just trying to “do the right thing” for their “friend.” And if you unload on them, you’ll look like the monster you’ve been portrayed as. If you say mean things about the HCP, you’ll just prove your guilt. So what do you do when confronted by a flying monkey?

First off, be nice. Second, the only way to break the spell and clear your name is to provide verifiable, accurate information about the evildoings of the HCP. It’s no guarantee, but if you keep your cool and only say things that will check out, you may be able to free them from the Wicked Witch’s mind control — and get yourself an ally.

One final, very important point: don’t let all this make you paranoid.

Most people are good. But if someone gets your Spidey-Sense tingling, pay attention to their words, notice your emotions, try the 90% rule, use CARS — and be nice to flying monkeys.

In the end, the only way to truly win with toxic people is not to play.

Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

New Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You Happy

New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful

How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

The post How To Avoid Toxic People: 5 Simple Secrets That Will Make You Happier appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.