Bakersfield.com Heather Ijames

HEATHER IJAMES: My battle cry for the war on boys

Sat, 26 May 2012 12:00:00 PDT

There were three boys and three girls playing the same game together at a local elementary school. It was called "Prisoner." The little girls wanted to be caught by a bad guy, and then good guys would break them free. When the game was deemed inappropriate, only the little boys got in trouble. They were hands-on, breaking the imaginary chains of the girls, but that was part of the game, as even dictated by the ladies.

I agree the boys are more culpable because they were the ones showing aggression, but letting the ladies off scot-free? Nope. I object. Because then, you're not only punishing the boys for being hands-on, you're also punishing them for acting like boys. If they acted like the docile females in this game, they would have escaped rebuke.

HEATHER IJAMES: The great purge in my Bakersfield backyard

Sat, 05 May 2012 12:00:00 PDT

The nice weather made me want to be outside. The only problem was our yard and patio were a wreck. There were at least a dozen pool toy inflatables, accumulated over the years and scattered about. Most had been chewed on and mauled by either the kids or the dogs. Who could really tell? There was also the veritable hazardous materials issue with all the expired pool chemicals, or as I like to call it, my experiment to get that white line off the tile.

We had the husband's barbecue smoker -- a monstrous thing that still hasn't been taken on its maiden smoke voyage, even after two years. We had moving blankets . . . wait, what? Why? Never mind. Sports equipment, 3,000 balls of all shapes and sizes, and I'll be darned, a gigantic chocolate smudge the youngest proudly claimed as having done to the stucco last summer.

HEATHER IJAMES: Bunking up the kids to settle them down

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 12:00:00 PDT

To bunk bed, or not to bunk bed? That's the question taking up prime real estate in my brain these days.

I have one picked out for my boys, and they've already started making grandiose plans about converting the top bunk into a fort, but I'm not sure I should fork out the money if they're going to tell me in a few years they're too old for it. This bunk bed is no joke, by the way. It has stairs, an actual stairwell. Don't tell my sons this, but I agree with them: The stairs make it a gazillion times cooler.

HEATHER IJAMES: What's brewing inside us will come out

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:00:00 PDT

I had one of those comedy of error days. You know, when it seems as if the world is trying to cram as many things in as possible to go haywire. By the end of the day, I was actually thinking I should drive through a fast-food joint, because by that day's flip-flopping rationale, my order would've been right.

Still, I think mixed-up, crazy days are not only inevitable but necessary. Mainly from what I like to call the "Shaken Syndrome." I once watched someone illustrate how what is truly inside of us will sooner or later come out. The speaker had a cup of water, shook it, and bam, water's on the floor. To which, he asked, "Why did the water come out?"

HEATHER IJAMES: My youngest turned 4, with a different child-rearing philosophy

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:23:32 PDT

My youngest just turned 4, and though I realize he's still a far cry from driving, shaving and telling me he's going to marry that girl no matter what I think, the turn of his years from 3 to 4 hit hard.

The husband says I shouldn't lament, but I can't take him seriously; he's the one who's putting red Xs on the passing years, getting more excited as they get older and taller. He wants bigger boys to play basketball with, to go on rides with him at Magic Mountain, and although the boys don't know this yet, he's waiting for the day he can pass our backyard pooper-scooper baton for that horrible chore.

HEATHER IJAMES: Sometimes you have to squeeze into your marriage

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:00:00 PST

Wince if you must, but I'm mentioning a celebrity breakup. I was running at the gym when the TVs bombarded me with news of the Heidi Klum and Seal split. Since it was that or MSNBC telling me to "Lean Forward," I watched the dribble about this soon-to-be divorce.

Here's what got me: Their reason for splitting was they had grown apart.

HEATHER IJAMES: Please don't pop my personal space bubble

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:00:00 PST

I have this thing with personal space. And I thought it was only me, being one of the many crazy Heather things that my husband says makes his life interesting. However, a few years ago on vacation, someone told me that I had to be an American because of the persistent chastising I gave my son, asking him to take a step back from the stranger in front of us in line. I'm not sure being an American is predicated upon not wanting your kid's nose near someone's rear, but fine, if that makes me an American, then Glory Hallelujah, pass me my apple pie.

I also wouldn't say it's a general fact the converse is true, either -- that non-Americans have no concept of personal space -- but I have traveled enough to know that it could be an accurate assumption. My first personal bubble popping experience was when I was an 18-year-old studying abroad in Italy, using a payphone to call home. I felt someone too close behind me, his jacket brushing against my back. After a few minutes of that, I was sure in certain parts of the world, and based on how close he was to me, we were technically married.

HEATHER IJAMES: Let's get past the sour grapes online

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 12:00:00 PST

Can someone declare 2011 the year of angry Internet comments?

I'd even venture to guess there are millions of keyboards and touch screens that want to tell some of their owners to simmer down. Hey, maybe that new Siri chick on the iPhone can be programmed to intervene after a combination of harsh words, and then say, "I'm sorry, you're acting like an imbecile. How about you hit delete?"

HEATHER IJAMES: I like Christmas lights, without the drama

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 12:00:00 PST

Let's talk about Christmas lights. I love them. I want more of them. I love seeing them lining the streets, and I love seeing them up and down the neighborhoods. And hey, if you can make it look like a dozen elves exploded their glittery guts all over your front yard, please do so because the amount of shine and twinkle in suburban Bakersfield seems to dim each year.

I suspect it has something to do with the economy -- foreclosures or just cutting back on expenses -- but that's not why my house is no longer lighted the way it used to be. The exterior light debacle at my joint has been an ongoing saga for years.

HEATHER IJAMES: Influence your kids to do what's right, every time

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 12:00:00 PST

I appreciate a book that makes me wonder if I'm pruning my children to be criminals.

My book club's selection for this month was to participate in One Book, One Bakersfield, One Kern fall reading selection, "The Other Wes Moore." One Book's website describes it as: "[A] true story of two kids with the same name and similar backgrounds who both lived in Baltimore. One grew up to be a Rhodes Scholar, decorated combat veteran, White House Fellow and business leader. The other is serving a life sentence in prison."

HEATHER IJAMES: We've gone from candy holiday to gore fest

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 12:00:00 PDT

Since when did Halloween become primarily about blood-splashed walls and adult film get-ups? I suppose I should be smitten with the holiday since my birthday is the day prior, but at this juncture -- from what the holiday has become -- I'd rather not participate unless it's to sprinkle holy water or distribute pamphlets about STDs.

Of course, there's still the child-centered aspect of Halloween, where little ones dress up as characters and go door-to-door asking you to part with chocolate goodies. But even that is starting to get iffy with the inappropriate costume selection now available to 5 year olds. And if a parent has the good sense not to dress his or her children up as horrors or . . . um . . . the other ones, they are still left to dodge multiple images around town that are PG-13 at best.

HEATHER IJAMES: You see all types while camping

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 12:00:00 PDT

I took an end-of-the-season camping trip last weekend and it made me reflect upon the types of people encountered when in the great outdoors. I suppose you have to be a camper to fully understand the truth behind what I'm saying, but if you're not, take my word for it and then schedule some trips next summer to see for yourself.

First, and I list them first because of the correlative annoyance they present to me, are the music enthusiasts. Now, I'm a big fan of music but it takes some gall to presume that the 100 or so people in the surrounding 500 yards of their campsite want to listen to the exact same music they are blasting, and for the amount of time they desire to listen to it. Maybe they think their campsite is surrounded by soundproof barriers instead of, um, air, but I don't get the entitlement that causes someone to crank it up full volume.

HEATHER IJAMES: Time away with spouse -- sans kids -- good for marriage

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 12:00:00 PDT

I spent a four-day weekend in Santa Barbara alone with my husband and came back with a fundamental observation: children wreak havoc on a marriage. I'm talking Chernobyl chicken with two heads and 14 claws kind of mutative havoc. Is it still a chicken? Yeah. But that bird no longer looks as good as it once did.

Now, don't start thinking I'm anti-children or something of the sort, because nothing could be further from the truth. But I like to call things for what they are. The chemistry of my marriage before children was much different than it is now when I have to share my bed with not only my husband, but also everyone in the house who is notching under 4'2".

HEATHER IJAMES: No more bye-bye Bakersfield

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 22:53:45 PDT

Since my friends are out of the state by now, I figure it's OK to announce to the world -- or to greater Bakersfield, at least -- I'm upset they've skedaddled. I was especially perturbed when they listed all the reasons they didn't like it here.

I try only befriending people who aren't actively seeking to leave town. When my family and I get ditched by transients, it's a mess. Aside from the fact that it hurts to lose good friends, my kids ask too many questions, and I'd like to limit the number of people who actually see the state of my home office. I mean, if I have to bring new friends into my life, those who know why I keep that door closed are bound to hit double digits.

HEATHER IJAMES: Gold-plated cables and accent rugs every husband's dream

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 22:16:00 PDT

It's not my style to pick on my husband because overall he's a great guy. I could easily put a bumper sticker on my car that reads: "My husband does more dishes than yours." But he has this one coming.

I somehow let the week prior to Father's Day slip by without narrowing down what I'd get Charles for a gift. Nevermind I asked him what he wanted on multiple occasions with no reply -- even though I planned everything for my own Mother's Day festivities, from emailing him a link to the gift I wanted to putting a dinner reservation in his name. I guess there are certain injustices in life we all must bear; the disproportionate amount of care associated with gift-giving is nothing new between husbands and wives. I only put up small tantrums here and there, and then get over it. Slowly.