It’s all because I made a wrong choice a long time ago. Instead of being willing to take risks and push myself to reach further, I chose to make myself comfortable, to be safe and sensible. I thought I was well behaved and smart, but really I just didn’t understand that for every risk that I took along with a chance for something bad to happen, there was a chance for me to learn something new and challenge myself. I let my life shrink around me until it became so small, there was no room around me to breath.

I want to do something better for myself than that. I want to act, to leave something behind me after I leave, hopefully something of value. It’s not easy to make that choice to expend the effort from one moment to the next. to risk trying things for fear that I won’t be good at them, but each time I do it, it gets a little easier. I find myself getting absorbed and wanting to elaborate more on what I’m trying to say. To be more specific, more persuasive in my message. I want to write words that will make people sit up, act, think differently and just maybe take a few actions of their own so that they can share this feeling of being at the wheel with me instead of just following directions.

Dot kept me on my toes though. I know the sound of her little footsteps approaching the folding sofa very very well and I can go from resting to on guard in the fraction of a second between the moment that I first hear that sound and when she pounced, I was ready to dart out the other side and start the chase. Sometimes we’re playing. Sometimes we start out that way and we wind up really going after each other. But whatever happens during that time, we always wind up back at our status quo. A fragile state of armistice between us that usually falls apart after a while, but forces us to understand each other and ourselves well enough to function as siblings.

With my ex-husband.

Today marks three years since our divorce was finalized. It’s taken a lot of effort for my ex and I to maintain a friendship. I suspect there are many people who know him who would ask him if he’s crazy. After all, the split was really initiated by me.

Only he can really answer that question, but I do know that I value him as a person. And he wouldn’t remain my friend simply for kicks.

Maybe it took a divorce to make a friend. It took a divorce to get me on the path to Sam. There’s been a lot of hurt and tears. And laughs and understanding.

I think my fortune cookie from yesterday’s lunch sums it up perfectly:

you may now refer to sam and me and Mr and Mrs Wills.

it’s true we had planned our wedding for October. however, while we were here for my sister’s wedding, sam and i had a chat and decided to just ‘take the plunge,’ as it were. wedding was May 23rd.

back to your regularly scheduled Monday.

i had been looking at cars off and on on the web while sam was deciding whether or not to take his late brother’s car. he ultimately decided to pass on the car, so we drove out to a dealership about 35 minutes away to look at one of the two cars i had chosen from my searching.

we didn’t intend to purchase that night, but the stars kinda aligned. while we love the car, we’ll never buy from that dealership again.

first, the backstory.

when i moved to Florida in March, 2009, i arrived with the knowledge of sam driving a Miata, which is not only a very small car, but a stick-shift.

i don’t know how to drive a stick-shift.

not a big deal, though. my parents assured me that it was easy to learn. sam was willing to teach me.

that didn’t work out so well.

if you’ve never seen a picture of me (i mostly post head shots), i’m not a tiny, petite chick. obesity runs in my family, and i am no exception. i’m slowly losing weight, but have a ways to go.

so the first time i got in sam’s car, i felt a little cramped. but i got over it. the first time i got behind the wheel, though…

think sardine can.

i was willing to give it a try, though. i have exactly two lessons driving a stick-shift. we decided that it wasn’t going to work, and resigned ourselves to me not going anywhere without sam (because nothing is really within walking distance of our apartment).

i’ve had opportunities to drive a few times in the year or so since i moved to Tampa. it made the transition back to being just a passenger more and more difficult.

so when our financial picture showed that we could afford to buy a car outright, we decided to buy a car that both of us could drive.

first approach

we drove out to the dealership, and walked in. no one came up to us, but we were greeted from their “office area.” we had brought a printout of the car i found online. we were directed to the person in charge of the internet sales and he invited us to sit down in one of the mini office areas and have a chat.

we made it clear upfront that we were intending to pay for the car in full, if we chose to buy it. that got the discussion of financing out of the way. we took the car for a test drive, chatting along the way and asking questions.

we were shown other cars. sam and i weren’t sure we wanted to buy a car that night, but we really liked the car we drove. the sales guy kept talking with us, branching out into a discussion with sam on a related topic.

ultimately, we did decide to buy the car. the problem: we left our form of payment at home. “no problem,” the sales guy said. he was happy to trust us with our word that we’d bring a check back the next day. sam even offered to drive home and get the checkbook.

the sales guy left us with a receptionist to fill out some standard paperwork while he worked on getting the car ready for us to drive home.

after a time, we were shown to the business manager’s office to fill out financing paperwork.

apparently, it was our option to either bring a check the next day, or fill out paperwork which would make everyone else breathe easier.

i figured we could have just returned the next day and left with the car then, but i suspect that sales people want you take home your purchase right then so you don’t have a chance to change your mind.

we signed a lot of paperwork to take out a loan on a car. the business manager explained to us that given our credit history (mostly student loans), making payments on a car for 6 months to a year would be good for our credit rating.

now, i don’t know if that’s true or not. financial people could tell me, i’m sure. and i was reluctant to have another payment (we’re making payments on the miata while we work out what we’re doing with the car). but we signed the paperwork and left with our new-ish car.

where the dealership lost us as customers

as we were leaving, we checked with our sales guy, asking him if there was a way to get another set of keys. he said he thought maybe they could, but to call him in a couple days and double check, so he could ask the service manager. at the time, there was nothing posted anywhere about how many keys you get with your car. we were to also call about the loan, and double check stuff with our insurance.

i left a message and a voicemail for our sales guy regarding extra car keys. he has never gotten back to me. i noticed on our next visit the signs clearly stating that only one set of keys would be provided with all car purchases. i felt misled and annoyed.

we bought the car on a saturday evening. monday morning, there was a message from the dealership thanking us for our interest in the car and to call with any questions. my first thought: don’t they share information there? if they had, the receptionist would know that we actually bought the car in question. i called back and explained that we had bought the car. the receptionist was surprised. that made me suspect that internal communication was lacking.

it took 2 months to get the license plate/registration. having never bought a car on my own before (my dad has always been the go-between for me) i had no idea how long it was “supposed” to take to get the license plate. i checked the state website and discovered the following: “A licensed dealer is required to transfer the tag and title within thirty days. If a dealer issues a second temporary tag, the consumer should start asking questions. If the dealer issues a third temporary tag, the consumer should contact the Division of Motor Vehicles immediately, as this is a violation of Florida Statutes which falls under DMV jurisdiction.”

sam called the county tax office twice to ask about it. they thought it was unusual, too, but to wait it out. we called the dealership about it. they said they were working on it. i wanted to pay off the car loan, but was reluctant until this was resolved. the week the second temporary tag was set to expire, sam talked to someone at the dealership who said we could come get the license plate that thursday evening. we drove out there around 7 pm. not only was that person not there, the plate wasn’t ready. we were sent away, with a promise of things getting straightened out the next day. more internal lack of communication.

we did indeed get the plate the day the second temporary tag expired. however, by then, the dealership had lost us as a repeat customer.

what you can learn from our experience

1. don’t give a vague answer and then not follow up. all our sales guy had to do was say “you know, i’m not sure if i can get you a second set of keys. let me check with the service department manager. if we can’t provide them, i’ll recommend a place for you to go to get keys made.”

2. don’t sell your product and then not be available for follow up. after repeated tries, i gave up on actually talking to the guy who sold me a car. despite his claim that he was in the office most of the day, six days a week, i never saw him on subsequent visits. his inability to return messages also undermined any claims made.

3. if your customer is waiting on you for something, make sure you stay in contact. don’t make your customer have to always make the call to follow up on a purchase. the dealership returned some of our calls. but we didn’t feel they kept us in the loop about the status of our registration. we were told by the tax office that transferring the title/registration is the dealership’s responsibility, yet we were constantly concerned that we should have been doing something.

4. keep your staff in the loop by making notes in customer files or otherwise debriefing them. everytime we walked into the dealership, we had to explain why we were there, in detail. it was as if the person we spoke with on the phone hadn’t bothered to let the front desk know that we were being expected. it makes for an awkward situation.

5. keep your customer in the loop for any unexpected changes. we bought the extended warranty, because we were buying a pre-owned car. we received a lot of mail from the warranty company, including a letter cancelling the warranty. this resulted in a call to find out what the hell was up. it was easily explained, but a call from the dealership telling us could have saved a lot of worry and distress.

6. don’t pass the buck. make the buck stop with you. on each visit to the dealership, we were passed off to different people, sometimes several times. we couldn’t build a buyer/buyee relationship with anyone, because we never talked to the same person more than once or twice.

final approach

we’ve peeled the dealership sticker from the trunk of the car. taking the vanity plates off the front and back of the car are next. sam and i agreed that our experience with this dealership was so disappointing that we don’t want to offer them free advertising on our car.

the concept of paying on a loan for 6 months and then paying it off sounds good (though i could be wrong – anyone know?) so what will likely happen is we make larger than the minimum payments until august, and then pay the car off.

the lesson we learned: do better research before choosing where to buy a “big ticket” item.

comment zen

in the comments, tell me about your experiences. any examples of a company “doing things right?”

so when i found out through Johnny about Question the Rules, the project he put together with Lee Stranahan, i quickly signed up on the advance notice list. as soon as i bought QTR and started listening to the modules, i knew it was money well-spent.

Question the Rules: The nonconformist’s punk rock, DIY, nuts-and-bolts guide to creating the business and life you really want, starting with what you already have is an insanely informative and useful collection of audio modules and guest interviews of some amazing rule breakers. people who looked at the conventional way of doing things and said “eff that. there’s a better way.”

when you buy Question the Rules, you get access to the ideas of these people who, through their words, help give you the tools to build your own dream life. imagine building a lifestyle business, doing what you love, and being totally DIY about all of it. it all really resonates with me, as i don’t want to be stuck in a traditional 9-5 job working for someone else.

along with the modules and the interviews, there are a boatload of bonuses. i own the full version of two of the included bonuses and you are in for a treat.

i look into and buy a lot of products, but don’t often write reviews or tell people about the things i buy. so i think when i do take the time to write a review such as this, it’s because i really believe you’ll get a lot of value for the cost.

check it out and see for yourself. the module descriptions along with all of the guest interviews are on the Question the Rules sales page.

—

the links for Question the Rules are affiliate links. clicking through any link on this page to buy Question the Rules will help support Banter Studio. if you prefer, feel free to google the product name and buy directly from Lee and Johnny.

how about Girl, Interrupted? the book made into a movie about Susanna Kaysen (she also wrote the book). she’s not violent, half-heartedly tries to commit suicide and spends time in a mental hospital. and she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

two rather different examples of the same disorder, aren’t they?

how about a third example? my name is misty o’brien. and i have Borderline Personality Disorder.

what is bpd?

Borderline Personality Disorder (henceforth referred to as bpd) is a Cluster B mental disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, describes bpd as:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

this video is a good explanation of bpd. more explantion below.

say what?

sounds scary, doesn’t it? imagine now if you were actually living with that criteria. the behaviors listed above permeate everything you do. every decision you make.

let’s break it down a bit, shall we?

[note: i shall be explaining what each criterion means, and then talk about how it affects me. i will be doing what's called "over-sharing" and you can consider yourself warned.]

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. one of the worst things in the world to a person with bpd is feeling like no one loves them. people with bpd cling to their loved ones with the tenacity of a dog with a chew toy. however, when we get to the next criterion A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation…well. you could be that person’s whole world one minute and the devil’s sibling the next. it’s the black and white thinking that makes a person with bpd so difficult to be around. talk about your massive mood swings.

i hate being alone. i also don’t like people (as a collective group). but i really hate being alone. the first time sam left me home alone to visit his parents, i slept on the couch and had the tv on 24/7. i worked hard to keep my brain thinking sam was just in the next room, not the next state. consciously, i knew he’d come home, but i still had a very hard time getting through the weekend. it’s a struggle to maintain some kind of space/boundary with him to achieve a healthy interdependence. i also struggle with the black and white thinking, though it doesn’t bug me as much as others. i personally believe that everyone and everything on this planet is both good and evil and nothing is inherently one or the other. in other words, g-d and satan are facets of the same entity. (and that’s the only time you will ever see me discuss religion on this blog.)

what’s next? Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. this means that the person with bpd doesn’t really know who they are. oh, sure, they might be able to tell you they are someone’s son/daughter, brother/sister, husband/wife. but who they are at the core? if you have trouble answering that question, it’s very possible the person with bpd is more lost and confused than you.

for me, i consciously know that i’m a daughter, a fiancée, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a colleague. but ask me my inherent hopes and dreams? what i want to be when i “grow up?” i have no damn clue. and you might say that’s common. i’m here to tell you that it may well be the hardest thing i live with. i intentionally label myself to help steer myself in some kind of direction, but even that’s open for debate on any given day. who i am today may not be who i am tomorrow. and it’s frustrating.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). take a look at that list. you can include binge shopping, too. bottom line, the person with bpd can be pretty reckless with their life.

i have issues with money. i used to have issues with sex. i have a kinda sketchy job history (who doesn’t?). when a meltdown* hits, binge eating is nearly a given.

* a meltdown is what i call an emotional storm, or a severe low mood swing. like depression but a thousand times worse. worst meltdown took six hours of my life from my memory.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself. Research has shown that around 70 percent of people with BPD will have at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime, and many will make multiple suicide attempts. People with BPD are more likely to complete suicide than individuals with any other psychiatric disorder. Between 8 and 10 percent of people with BPD will complete suicide; this rate is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population. [source]

i have attempted suicide 3 1/2* times, all with varying degrees of failure. i was 16, 21, 23 and 31. right now, i’m 34.

let me explain something, though. if i die through no fault of my own, it would suck, but it would be my time to go. every time i attempted, i didn’t truly want to die. take the worst physical pain you’ve ever experienced, multiply by a very large number and put that pain in your psyche. emotional pain can be just as debilitating as a physical injury. and when i feel it, i am willing to do just about anything to make it stop.

* the 1/2 time, i never made it to the point that i tried anything. i had made a cryptic comment on twitter, and someone saw it, figured it out, and contacted my best friend, who called me, then called the police. i spent a few hours in the hospital until another (now former) friend told the doctor that i would be fine on my own, because by the time the police were called, i had been talked down from the edge.

for the record, i don’t self-injure, unless you count self-imposed sleep deprivation and ignoring food.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). in other words, major mood swings. we’re talking pms on overdrive. this kinda ties in with number 8.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. the hopelessness. depression. sadness. woe is me.

i feel this most when i feel like i’m not being heard. when i post something on facebook or twitter and no one answers me. when i feel like no one loves me. yes, it’s pathetic, but it is what it is.

Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). another part of the mood swings. i have major anger issues. part of it comes from growing up suppressing things and not standing up for myself. assertiveness does not come easy to me.

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptom. to quote Garbage: i think i’m paranoid.

so is there any hope?

bpd can be managed with a variety of psychotherapy and medication options. bpd is a difficult illness to diagnose and is often mistaken for bipolar disorder (manic-depression). personally, i’ve done therapy a few times, and meds a few times. i’ve been off medication for over two years, and my therapy is trying to understand myself, and talking to a few trusted friends. please note that i do not necessarily suggest this for another mentally ill person. i consider myself to be high-functioning. someone else may need the anti-depressant or mood stabilizer to keep themselves on an even keel.

it is not uncommon for bpd to be co-morbid with other illnesses. for example, along with bpd i have been diagnosed with depression, dependent personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, social anxiety, social phobia and internet addiction. i also think i have paranoid tendencies.

in which i give some context

i was diagnosed with depression in 1999, right after my own weekend stint in the local mental health unit. social anxiety and social phobia were pretty prevalent then. i’ve always been an introvert (i’m an INFP), and i am really uncomfortable being center of attention.

i suspected borderline personality disorder after seeing Girl, Interrupted, and then reading the book. my now ex-husband also suspected it. i was formally diagnosed in late 2007, after getting divorced, having some major upheaval in my life, and having spent most of my time in my bedroom and on the computer.

i barely slept during the summer of 2007. when my ex and i split, i found myself involved with a very abusive person. when i finally reached out for help, i press charges, and then locked myself in my apartment for days at a time. i didn’t sleep because i didn’t know what, if anything, he had ever told me was truth or lie. i turned to the internet and the new friends i was making in second life and i often spent 36-40 hours awake. i would sleep for a few hours, out of pure mental exhaustion, and then be awake again.

i moved in with some family and finally reached out for mental help. the diagnosis came after that. i had beaten myself so far down that it was very hard for me to interact with anyone. at the time, the only people i felt i could count on were my best friend, and the many people from other parts of the world. i am still very close to a handful of them.

i openly question the validity of the anti-social personality disorder diagnosis. while being an introvert, and have difficulties dealing with people, i’ve been told that i’m rather a social person. the others are pretty spot-on.

how you can help

there’s a lot of conflicting information on the internet, in the media, and in people’s minds. my goal in writing this post is to try and educate you.

to help me or any other person suffering from a mental illness, the best thing you can do is be compassionate. odds are we don’t realize what we’re doing. chances are we might be trying to protect you.

i sometimes unconsciously push people away when i feel a meltdown coming. as much as i hate being alone, i fear being alone if the cause of someone leaving me is because i was out of control. i do my best to do this quietly by withdrawing.

i try to not call attention to my outbursts. (remember i don’t like being center of attention?)

be genuine with your concern.

please don’t tell me it’s all in my head.

don’t belittle my feelings.

don’t assume you know me based on my illness. with that many criteria, there are many possible combinations of symptoms and not every borderline person is going to exhibit the same behaviors and to the same degree. sometimes people are difficult to get to know (i know i am), but it can be so worth it.

mental illness is a kind of “invisible” disease

look at this picture of me from march, 2009. do i look mentally ill to you?

don’t tell me that someone has it worse than me. this is not a time to play “my bad thing is worse than your bad thing.” telling someone that others have it worse doesn’t really help. [note: after i had written this post, i mentioned it to a friend. their response was that i could have it worse, and that they were going to visit someone who really does have it worse than me. it felt like a big shoe was being thrown at me. i'm not blind to the fact that my life is pretty good right now and that there are people who don't have it so good. however, i can only be responsible for myself. and it made me stop and really consider whether i should share this on the blog. i don't want this to be all about me. but i only know how bpd affects me, so it's all i have to go on when trying to educate someone else.]

it might sound kinda woo-woo, but just a gentle check-in can be the best thing. some days it can take a borderline all of their effort to get out of bed. other days, we feel on top of the world.

now is not the time for tough love. we might act like drama kings and queens, but if you take the time to get to know us, we’re pretty awesome people.

in closing

remember that we’re all different. different dreams, aspirations, goals, ideals.

if you suspect a loved one has bpd, or any other mental illness, please don’t try to diagnose them yourself. discourage self-diagnosis. find a trained health professional (ideally someone who is trained to work with whichever type of illness you might suspect). don’t quit after the first visit. get comfortable with your therapist or psychiatrist of choice and be honest with them.

it is true that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, but do your best to be patient with them.

however, it is vitally important to practice self-care first. if you don’t take care of your own mental and physical needs, it will be very difficult to help anyone else.

sometimes you might have to hold your loved one at arm’s length to protect yourself. it’s not an easy choice, but this goes back to self-care.

if you must sever ties with a mentally ill person, do so in the gentlest way possible. be aware that you may end up taking the brunt of the blame. ultimately you are responsible for yourself.

finally, please take a look at the links i’ve included in this post. educate yourself. educate others. mental illness doesn’t have to be a stigma. treat people with respect. the mentally ill did not ask to be ill.

i did not ask to have the disorders i have. but i have them. i have to live with them.

call your name everyday when i feel so helpless/i’ve fallen down, but i’ll rise above this, rise above this doubt – seether, rise above this

comment zen

this is scary for me to post. i feel like i’m baring my soul a bit. but i also feel that if people don’t know about something, they will have a hard time knowing how to act.
the goal here is to learn. ask questions. respectfully debate. be willing to back up your argument.
a sense of humor is welcome. the ability to laugh at adversity is extremely helpful.
disrespectful comments will deleted. one might argue that isn’t fair, which may be true. however, any type of internet trolling is not acceptable here, and since i own this blog and you don’t, i am choosing to keep disrespect out of the conversation. don’t throw shoes.
if you don’t feel comfortable posting in the comments, email is welcome at blog at banterstudio dot com.