In the past month my life has been busy, alive and very engaging. Through the month I have also been doing my best to stay open and loving in my life and partnership with CrisMarie. Because we have each been doing things separately that stir up our creativity and call on us to ride waves and risk falling, our day-today living as included fighting, laughing and clinging.

As CrisMarie stepped more fully into Nina and the show was such a big success. I had both the thrill and threat of hearing just how sexy people thought she was on stage. I watched as she bought her aliveness to the part, to the team and to each show. I sat with her when she cried on closing night. I listened as she expressed her fears that she wouldn’t get another part like that. I held back my own fears of being left behind for another starring role or some sexy guy and that was simply the first two weeks of August.

I didn’t even mention my riding of the waves as I headed off to Columbus and took the lead with in a room of Presidents. Or dealt with my demons while writing pieces for my book, that may take 10 more years to write. I have already mentioned the various stages of transition I have been traveling through this summer. So no need to say more.

Indeed it has been a journey. As the show ended and we boarded a flight to Toronto for a major week of work with one of our clients, we were both wondering if we would be able to rise to the occasion.

We did. The week went quite well. Though we had been working separately as we came back together there was a grace and ease that made the week enjoyable. It’s what we love. Being co-creative and working together from our respective strengths.

We then traveled to the other side of Canada to Gabriola to lead Couples Alive II, The Edge. How perfect was that!! We had been living at that Edge for months. Though I would not have thought of it that way. As we went through the week, working with a group of couples, we drew upon our own lives to reveal humanness, realness and aliveness that comes when relationships are about both being together and being each ourselves.

Loving is a verb, it’s active and fluid. Loving at the edge is like surfing or riding waves. Sometimes our life does feel like we are on a bigger boat and the ride is quite stable. Other times I imagine us on a small racing sail boat – much faster and far less stable. And there are those times when we are on individual paddle boards – riding the waves separately while staying close and heading in the same direction. I can even imagine times when one of us is sitting stable on a boat while the other is surfing some big wave. That to me, is loving on the edge. Being willing to ride the waves – together. It isn’t always easy. I do get a touch jealous when my sexy partner is alive in her life and I am not on that same wave. Still I do enjoy watching and know it isn’t about her shutting down her sexy self. No, it is about me being willing to step out myself and trust that we can both ride the waves. Meeting and loving at our respective edges!! Sexy, Alive and Loving!!

February 14, 2012 … It’s been exactly one year today since my partner and I started the new Couples Alive series of workshops at The Haven. We have been married almost nine years of a 12-year relationship and I have known both the excitement and closeness of sharing our lives together … and the feeling of hopelessness finding myself distant and alone … back at old familiar places following an upset or disagreement.

It seemed that try as we might to make our relationship work differently, dedicated as we were, we couldn’t seem to move away from old habits, responses and reactions that brought us back time and again to square one where we wondered what really was going on between us. The one thing we had going for us is we loved each other and were committed to our relationship … hard as that might have seemed at times.

However, I discovered that since taking Couples Alive I, Foundation in February last year, followed by Couples Alive II, Edge last April, a shift is taking place in how I relate to my partner. I have a new appreciation for her as a separate and different person from me, with her own process, likes, dislikes and understanding. I find myself becoming more curious about her as an individual and what is going on for her … rather than assuming that I know more, or better or best. Even though I don’t always understand what she is about, I feel way closer to her with much more compassion than in the past. Yes we still disagree, argue and I still often find myself at my old docks, but I notice that I (we) don’t spend as much time there and I am developing a new trust or faith that we WILL find our way back to understanding and togetherness.

When I see her now moving away from old familiar places, it’s way easier for me to recognize what is going on for me and let go too … and I feel a new strength … and excitement about us. Only this is not like the excitement of a new love, rather at the rich, deeper connection of understanding and stronger base line we are building. Learning about and letting go of old habits is wonderful and I wonder now why I ever held on to them in the first place.

I am really looking forward to Couples Alive III Day-to-Day in September this year, and continuing to build a deeper understanding of myself and us as a couple.

It seems there is a great debate happening out there between therapists in Couples Counseling about the importance of Attachment and Self-differentiation. Here’s a link to one summary.

I believe this debate is like trying to figure out which came first, the chicken or the egg. I have my favorite which speaks more to my own story rather than to any significant truth. I like self-differentiation; I like to think of myself a independent or at least autonomous. Maybe I came out of the womb that way.

When we were designing the Couples Alive series for The Haven with our colleagues, the idea of attachment surfaced in our discussions. I immediately felt my repulsion to the idea, resisting the possibility of someone dwelling on the first years of life as an explanation for any neurotic and irresponsible patterns I carried into adulthood. I felt quite righteous and opinionated about my fight for self-defining and resilience as the more important developmental tasks for aliveness and connection in relationships.

However, when one argues too strongly for a point of view, there is usually something under the surface that is driving the righteous position. So there is little doubt that is/was the case here.

Some would say I am not particularly curious and gracious when I have a strong opinion. However, I often do find myself—after the fight—thinking through the alternative position. With a bit of humility, I often come back to the table or at least arrive at another table having redefined my position, influenced by all that I had argued so strongly against.

It seems this is the case with Attachment vs. Differentiation. I still favor self-differentiation. However, having done some reading and mostly some soul-searching after direct feedback from my partner and friends, I now believe in the importance and prevalence of attachment in couples.

I hate to admit the more helpless aspects of my own personality. The truth is, when I look beneath the surface, I am quite a dependent person. I may look tough or present as though I am not bothered by people disliking me. Yet, I totally crumble if that disliking person is CrisMarie (my partner). If I am honest with myself though, it has been CrisMarie’s willingness to accept and love me in the face of my own self-hate that has illuminated a path to greater self-compassion. Does this mean I can embrace her disliking some of my less-than-wonderful traits? No. It just means there are moments when I may ask her to simply remind me that she loves me and is okay with my over-attachment to her. Then we can get back to our self-defining, arguing and enjoyment of our differences. I am willing to offer her that same moment of suspended judgment, that precious space where we can go in our darkest moments, knowing someone is there.

I don’t often reveal those moments to the world, my strong position for self-differentiation. I may have survived and even thrived at times on my ability to fight back and stand strong in the face of opposition, making an “I” statement in the face of “we”. But I have learned equally as much about loving and thriving by asking to be held and saying, “I need you to simply accept me in this moment”.

In my view, there is no winner in the great debate between Attachment vs. Differentiation. Both have an important role to play in my aliveness, in my loving others, and in my most significant relationships.

We just returned from Part II of the Couples Alive series, The Edge, at The Haven. In addition to being a part of the design team and leaders of the Couples Alive series, we are also committing to taking each part of the four part series as a way to deepen our relationship and ‘walk our talk’ so to speak.

I found the trip to The Edge quite enlightening. By saying that, I am not saying it was easy.

When we created the design for Couples Alive II, The Edge, we had talked about the idea of creating experiences that first allowed people to visit their own edges and then meet as a couple at the edge. That all sounds good, but it wasn’t until I found myself spiraling down into an OLD family of origin hole that I realized just how successful we had been at finding a good way to get people right to an edge. I won’t say I enjoyed revisiting the past; however, it was a great way to see how my ‘story’ of the past still influences and plays into my current relationships.

It was also amazing to get the opportunity to understand how our histories meet at times for a somewhat wild ride in the present.

Of course, for each of us ‘the edge‘ can be quite different. There’s the situations from our own life experiences that can bring us to the edge and there’s the tension that occurs in a relationship when I want to be ‘me’ without risking losing ‘us’. There’s the soft spots that are hard sometimes to expose and there’s the conflict that occurs simply because we are unique and have differences.

Finally, after discovering many edges and meeting edge-to-edge at various points in the workshop, we closed being reminded of that deep longing which bought us together in the first place.

Apparently, it’s simply human nature to want to find someone who has your back and who is also willing to journey to the edges, together.

I came home more committed and more revealed. Knowing I had work to do on my patterns, but excited about the commitments we each made and the opportunity to put new learnings into our life back at home and in our work.

After Couples Alive II ended Friday we had a few hours to visit with Susan and CrisMarie. We sat around the table, nibbling through lunch, chatting about the profound and the mundane, and all too soon it was time for them to leave for the floatplane. After they left, I watched them walk down the street. Seemingly in animated conversation as they crossed from one side of the road to the other, I saw Susan look over her shoulder, see a car coming their way, and gently tug at CrisMarie’s arm. They stopped while the car went by and then carried on.

No big deal. Perhaps even gone from their memories a few minutes later. And for me it was a holographic moment that spoke volumes about what we give and receive in relationship.

I thought back to the core of Couples Alive II: The Edge being an ‘edge’ of energetic tension between our desire to be an individual and to be connected with another. During the course, in ideas, experiences and conversations shared, it seemed that people in the program recognized this energetic tension within themselves. Couples spoke of their personal experiences with edge in their relationship ranging from moments of quiet tenderness to focused conflict.

Though each person and each couple had their own style, their common ground was the passion that feeds our longing to meet each other edge-to-edge; bringing all of who we are as close as we can to see the same in someone else. We want, wish, seek, connect, love, struggle, draw close, pull away, open, close, risk, dig deeper and look further … why? I think it is because in our path along the way, when we let someone in and be let in, we care and are cared for. And we tend to look out for people we care for.

And that’s what I saw in a gentle perhaps long-forgotten tug. When we are connecting we are not alone. We are cared for … and we have someone in our life looking out for us.

Susan and her partner CrisMarie Campbell lead Couples Alive I July 25–29. The Haven Communication Model is a central component of the series.

A few years back, I was down in the San Francisco area taking a program called Transformational Lessons. I was there with about 40 or 50 other folks. We started with introductions where we were asked to share our spiritual practice. I listened as each person spoke about a yoga practice, meditation/prayer or mantra and/or some guru or Ashram where they were currently studying or regularly attending. I wondered as my turn arrived what I was going to say.

I couldn’t really relate to the question nor did I have any idea of an answer. At that time I was not at all interested in yoga (too tight for that) and I sort believed chatting, meditation and Ashrams were all about transcending this human experience and I wasn’t interested in that.

However, I did consider myself a spiritual person. Finally as my turn arrived I spoke about the one practice that I believed transformed my life and has regularly provided me a pathway to the most spiritual experiences of my life – connecting with other people in a deep personal way and expanding my reality. The practice involves utilizing The Haven Communication Model.

When I mentioned my practice I could tell a few people did not understand how a communication model could be a spiritual practice. Since that day I have regularly referred to the model as a spiritual practice. These days I actually practice yoga, enjoy chatting and even regularly do some form of meditation. However, I still firmly believe the most spiritual experiences I have come from those times when I practice intimacy through open, honest, vulnerable communication – the essence of the Communication Model.

Almost thirty years ago I got introduced to The Model. Now after years of teaching it, practicing and using it in every relationship that matters to me, I still learn new things, discover deeper connection and expand my world through using this model.

Why? Because to practice the model authentically I have to fully own my judgments and whatever feelings I am generating. I have to take full responsibility for whatever experience I am creating or having. This requires discipline and can be hard. However, even more challenging at times is suspending my own ‘rightness’ about my views or opinions and listening with heart and curiosity to someone else. When done well there is an opening that takes me way beyond the limits of my human ego experience and provides a moment of loving that does remind me of the quote: ‘To love another person is to see the face of God”.

That to me defines a spiritual practice. An experience that allows me to see the face of God. Something that I will likely never fully master and will continue work on as a way to open doors and bridge differences that not only transforms my life but profoundly impacts the world around me.

With the wisdom of hindsight, I have come to realise that I ‘good wifed’ my way right out of my first marriage.

When I first said ‘I do’ on December 15, 1979, it was forever … or so I thought. My dream was alive and well, and stretching enticingly before me. And with this heart and spirit, I leaned into my new partnership adventure.

Having grown up in a fairly sheltered existence, in material terms (we always had enough to eat, took vacations each year, had new clothes when old ones didn’t fit, etc.) my new situation included a not unexpected big new project: me making a new range of ‘basic homemaking decisions’. Okay, I can do that. And, after all, even if a problem comes up … I am with the love of my life, and we can chat about it, right? Of course!

However, in the background, I was not giving credence to the fact that my upbringing had also included significant impact from alcoholism, coupled with the resulting emotional tension (today it might be termed emotional abuse). So I had learned – and learned well – to be ‘good’ and do ‘what was expected’.

So this legacy came with me into my first marriage. And it was quite invisible to me.

After all, wouldn’t you want to do well on a new adventure? So did I. I worked hard, as I always had, discovering what were the ‘right things to do to be a good wife’ (or good ‘partner’, the more new age friendly term). I watched and listened, and imagined what was ‘right’ and ‘best’ and was as ‘good at it’ as I could be. And I succeeded very well. My first husband and I were seen as a ‘model couple’, very happy, destined to live a long life together.

Approaching ten years into this ‘model’ journey … I was still excelling at my ‘role’. And … that was the point. I was still in a role. I was not being ‘me’. I was not ‘being’ at all. I was ‘doing’ good wife. In fact, I began to realise that locked away inside my ‘good wife’ role, I was the most alone I had ever been.

Eventually my first marriage ended. This process involved a great deal of self-learning and exploration, for which I am extremely grateful. Along the way I have had to admit that I believe that by not being ‘me’ in the marriage, my first husband never got the chance to truly know me. My success at the old pattern (consummate ‘doing’) removed all chance of us ever ‘being’ together.

My relationship with Ernie, in my second marriage, has a totally different frame: two people being really honest and revealed together. Making mistakes regularly. Working on mixing up useful ‘doing’ work and ‘roles’ with making time for ‘being’ and ‘messy’ and ‘goofing off’. I have never been so regularly uncomfortable, and so fully joyful.

I haven’t thought in years of ‘being a good wife’. The challenge of ‘being Cathy’ is as much as I can handle! Long may it be so.

It’s not the big events that break up relationships, it’s all the little day-to-day things that don’t get dealt with and build up.

Sure it’s easy to say an affair or a new job suddenly created a huge irreconcilable difference. But most of the time the affair or the sudden over interest in the new job is simply the final straw that broke up the marriage or partnership.

Just this morning I found myself getting into a fairly big power struggle about what time we were planning to meet our friends for lunch. I heard 12:30 or 1 would be okay and committed to 12:30. I discovered that the range was really a request for 1. Needless to say we wrestled about who said what and there was an uncomfortable silence. Finally I decided this was not worth being right about and listened.

A couple days ago I found myself quite upset after having to get up two times in the night to let the dogs out. Bailey does this loud full-body, ear-shaking move with a bit of a whine at the end. This should wake anyone up in my opinion. Of course I don’t believe I am the only one hearing this, and in the light of day decide to discuss how I think I am the one doing most of the dog care. I not only mention the previous night’s activity but how often I am the one taking them on the extra walk or picking up their food. Of course this does not go well. Indeed I may be primary dog care person but there are clearly other areas where I am seen as the slacker, and this quickly becomes a much more heated battle.

No one wants to ever say the marriage ended over dog care or a lunch date time. But really, whether these types of events lead to fights or get buried underground, they are all to often what really eats away at a healthy relationship.

I probably prefer not to fight over these small issues, but I do think I prefer the potential energy that comes from entering the danger of conflict to making nice and later discovering I have built resentments.

Few people like to fight, and I doubt anyone likes to fight with a loved one. But the cost of not fighting is far worse. Conflict is a tremendous source of energy and renewal in a relationship. We are unique beings trying to stay true to ourselves while living and working together. There is some tension in that equation!

I want what’s best for us, but I also want to be me. That is hard at times to reconcile. The differences that arise are simply the fuel that, if dealt with through curiosity, honesty and some good will, can lead to greater possibilities for each of us.

Underlying most of these things we fight about is each of our desire to know we matter and that the bond between us is solid enough for both of us to exist.

Last week we were in Yellowknife, working with a group who counsel and support First Nations people in the North West Territories. We met as a group every morning and afternoon for five days, our circle around a lit candle and blankets. Each morning a gift of ceremonial tobacco was given to a different person who led us in prayer. With each morning’s ceremony I felt a deeper connection, with my spirit, my body, and the people in our circle.

Then we sat to listen to each other. Often, an elder spoke first; sharing wonderings, wisdoms, passions, concerns … and almost always in stories. The first morning I found myself sometimes guessing where the story was going, and in the process leaving the story and the teller.

In reflecting later with Cathy on how I had ‘wandered’, I was reminded of another story in Mark Nepo’s book Facing The Lion, Being The Lion. The message was that by letting a story unfold, I would find things I never imagined. The next day I had this with me, and committed myself to active listening. I was amazed what I discovered — in the unfolding story, and the unfolding person.

This morning I woke early, intending to get up and get on with some of the things on my plate. Now Cathy and I have a commitment to hold each other for 10-15 minutes each morning before we rise, but I was in a ‘get-to-it’ mood and thought I’d slip out of bed before she woke. Almost on cue, Cathy turned and came closer, and we folded into each other’s arms. I loved feeling the warmth of her body, the softness of her breath … and my plans and things-to-do were knocking on my mind. My thoughts wandered to one of the elders I had met in our Yellowknife circle — and I stopped.

In that moment, the only thing my mind held for me was ‘ceremony’ and ‘let the story unfold’. In my race to do, I was missing just being with Cathy this time, this way, and letting it unfold. The instant I felt my sheepish shame I also felt myself with her … and sinking into our morning ceremony.

Later I got up, showered, made coffee, had breakfast and began my day’s doings; closer, connected, and the better for ‘ceremony’ and ‘letting the story unfold’.

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