Wandering with Purpose

Where are you?

2010-02-10T01:21:00.003-06:00

I always wonder what happens when I screw up in the middle of the night and need someone to talk to. Or someone to listen to me. Or really just someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

I was once that person to someone else. In many ways, I still am.

It's funny how you can be someone incredible for one person out of the bazillions in this world and when you need a return favor you get nothing. Not because the other person is a bad person, mind you, just that he or she doesn't understand.

One of my fears is incomprehension.

The same goes for needing someone. I've been needed in the past. And as if waking from a dream, I've had almost everyone taken away from me, one after another falling just out of my grasp. It is clear that some of my friendships are not equivalence relations as assumed.

One of my fears is solitude.

I like how I came up with these fancy names for my fears because I didn't want to keep saying the same strung out, long-winded phrase every time I wanted to describe each of them. Words are great symbols, but they do a horrible job when they don't communicate effectively. While I use these words to describe what I am afraid of, I must also spew out several thousand more just to effectively get my point across.

And still, folks don't understand.

*sigh* I'm getting better at knowing who to go to for advice and who to just "give up" on and not even try chatting to in the first place. In fact, some of those folks are you guys, the readers of this blog. I can't even end with a "you know who you are" remark because no, you don't know who you are. You won't figure out who you are. That's just the way it is and that's what I'll just have to deal with.

=/

It's weird, I don't think anyone has ever had the guts to come up to me and say, "I don't know what you're talking about, and I may not be able to understand right now, but I'll work on getting it." Everyone assumes knowledge is binary, as if progress can never be made and things can never be known. "I suck at math," always means "I can never learn math." Oh, but you can! There is this thing called "time" which lets us become stronger over time. It's obvious that you're not the same person you were when you were first born but no one seems to apply that on a smaller scale.

I've met people who never learn. I've been friends with some and even dated some. All stuck on ideologies or habits or principles and never budging, not because they're stubborn, but because they never see a need to or a will to. Will you continue to look at the world through the same lenses for the rest of your life?

Perhaps I need more faith. Perhaps I need to see those around me and just hope they're hiding secrets, that they just put on masks in the morning and never take them off for anybody. The thing is, I'm sick of guessing what people are up to and what they're thinking and how it all fits together. It's enough to drive a person mad.

That's right, being optimistic makes me crazy. I'd much rather let folks prove themselves to me. After all, this is the system that most of us abide by in the first place. We want to make sure we're communicating with someone who's on the same page as us. If they're not, we just waste time and energy trying to convince someone of something they don't want to or cannot believe in.

I'm writing this at a time when I should be doing homework. What else is new? I'm stressed out and my fears are taking hold of me stronger than ever. I'm screwing up in a lot of ways right now. I try to keep a smile on my face but it just isn't fun anymore. This guy I know wrote in his blog that he was pondering his life and probably knew that this thinking of his was a bad habit.

It's a bad habit if you want to go out and live life, if you want to be happy. It's a grand habit if you want to live a quality life, though. Thing is, only those who spend the time thinking will appreciate the higher quality of life you've brought to the table. The rest will go on leading their regular lives because that kind of generic brand life will be just fine for them.

I sound like a snob when it comes to analyzing my life. A lot of times, I feel like a snob. Sometimes I really wonder why I do this to myself.

No reasons are coming to mind at the moment.

Statistics

2010-02-09T14:14:00.003-06:00

I'm wearing some pants that just came out of the dryer and they are toasty... Wouldn't it be neat to have heated dressers, for when it's really cold out? Hurry, someone grab my idea and run with it! :D

I always found it rather bothersome that I have this habit of going to my Last.fm page and refreshing it when I'm listening to music. I'm always so interested in the statistics telling me what I've been listening to, who I've been listening to, etc. And then when I go to a friend's page -- like my buddy Tom -- I can see what he listens to as well as how our tastes match up. In general, I like raw data statistics and I like statistics based on statistics.

Tom and I were talking in the kitchen today about how great it would be to get accurate statistics on how many calories we consumed, how far we've walked, what activities we've spent time doing, etc. Basically, statistics on everything! It would be pretty interesting, to say the least.

For now

2010-02-08T10:45:00.004-06:00

I feel like screaming right now. >:O

I'm not angry, just... stressed. Stressed out because I get stressed out easily. There's so much to do! And I think there may be some Fear involved in my decision making lately...

The crappiest part about blogging some of these actual interesting and important issues is that people I know who don't know me just freak the Hell out and think I'm going bat crazy or something.

First,

This blog is a discourse for my thoughts. For intelligent thinking. We go places that aren't found in every day conversation, just every day living. if you can't handle the heat, then GTFO. (I don't mean to be vulgar, it's just an expression meant to imply that you're probably in over your head here and most likely causing more harm than good by misinterpreting things in a negative manner.) I feel like if I were to cater to the folks who come here asking for everything to be spelled out, I'd be writing novels every blog post. And then we wouldn't get anywhere in a timely manner. I'm all about not wasting your time, folks. :)

Oh, and second,

I'm already bat crazy. :P

SO, for now I'm going to focus on doing readings and writing an application essay and doing homework. Social interactions, you're on hold. After all, your tendency to interrupt my actual work is most of the time just a manifestation of Fear. I'm done with Fear this semester. After having it consume my life for the first two years of college, I'm actively working to combat it.

:/ It's always tough when you've got a "real life" to tend to at the same time as you're trying to figure something out. That's usually why I'm an advocate for the transplant of these types of discussions into every day discussion. But for the parenthetical reason noted above, we can't have that. Instead we talk about sports and movies and music and even physics and computer science. All great topics, mind you, just not nearly as fulfilling as having a "life" conversation with someone you love.

Or someone you don't love, actually. Honestly, at this point I'm not picky. :)

Conversations about life

2010-02-07T02:58:00.004-06:00

Just got to reading some old blog posts today. I'm thinking about how much I've changed and what I've spent all my time doing in college. Also, what I've got to say for myself for the past several years. So this is what I want to say.

I've kept a blog because I want a record of who I've been. Not so much a history of what I've done, but mostly an imprint of who I've been. My attitudes, philosophies, habits, and interests have all changed over the years and my blog lets me figure out why they have grown in the manner in which they have.

So if my future employer asks me what I've done in college, I'll be sure to add that in addition to going to class and getting a degree, I've been keeping track of who I've been and figuring out where I'm headed. It's not enough to just learn information about the world around me; I might as well figure out a bit about the world within.

Often I like to believe that very few others actually spend the time to reflect on who they are. I'd like to explain myself a bit further here: most people do reflect, but they just aren't as thorough as me. For cryin' out loud, just look at this blog! I've just recently broken 800 posts over the past five years and I'm not stopping anytime soon. This is a record of my life. I'm not blogging about sports or music or technology; this is a gateway into something more fundamental, more personal. And hopefully, more universal.

Quickly, here is a post I really liked. It mentioned a bit about how posts are constructed, and my friend Kelley commented on the post and it just makes me happy and sad at the same time because I miss her. :( Which brings me to the title for this post, "Conversations about life."

I honestly don't remember the last time I had a meaningful conversation about life. I remember a few drunk friends reminiscing about relationships... But that wasn't about life... So much of today's conversations are filled with pop culture and nerd references and all this other hullabaloo that isn't nearly as exciting to me as talking about life.

I miss sitting in a restaurant and commenting on our current social situation as two people observing other people do things.

I miss sitting out on the grass with some new friends in the middle of autumn, asking each other questions about desired super powers or ketchup vs. mustard or even just pondering how we reached that moment in time.

I miss having conversations about things that matter. Like conversations about life. :) I've read posts I've written about topics that weren't relevant until years later, spawning applications I never thought possible. Why is everything so connected? How can I find out more about this wonderful world?

I have this idea in my head of this perfect girl out there and we're just trying to find each other. It's amazing. And someday, I'm going to meet her, and we'll just know that we finally found each other and everything is going to be just fine.

It's a dream of mine but we all need something real to hold onto, to keep us moving. Someone with which to wander...

And now we have some results

2010-02-04T11:41:00.001-06:00

This week has finally become fruitful. :) I knew I'd figure out something sometime, I just wasn't sure when or where. Now that I know, I can share. :P

I've been really bitter lately. Listening to Shostakovich hasn't helped dampen it, no, but it's definitely allowed me to look at my bitterness in better light. A few days ago I was able to not only accept my bitterness but to embrace it. After all, it is a feeling and I am prone to having them. :D My abstract emotions always reflect on something else that I feel strongly about. In addition to my general sentiment about being this random smattering of "talent" who can't quite fit in anywhere, I'm also bitter about friendships. In particular, friendships where I expect too much.

To preface, this isn't one of those amateur posts where "I expect too much and I get hurt." That's part of it, but that's only the surface. This ain't some teenager's Xanga, folks! So when I say I expect too much, sometimes it's me just expecting a little bit and not even getting that. If you look at my apartment and how cluttered it is, you'll see a good example of that.

My roommates are great. I enjoy them for their minds and personalities but not so much their cleanliness. :) So... there's that. And that bitterness is shallow and fades after a bit. But then there's the bitterness tied to expecting a friend to come through for you like he or she did in the past. And they don't. Ever again.

:/

People change, friendships change. And often as the case may be, it just has to be dealt with. Personally, I've always felt that if I got close to someone, I'd stay close no matter what. Like say, a girlfriend. :/ Never would I imagine that these types of friendships are conditional! Or at least, for some people. For me, they never will be. If you date me and you're close to me then, you can still expect the same level of amicable closeness if something goes wrong and we're no longer dating.

This is and has always been my standard.

So... Now that that is understood, I've really just got to finish out the rest of this week by getting all of my stuff done. :) The new mental discoveries will take a bit of time to settle but I can already sense the change in character.

Bitte.

2010-02-03T01:16:00.005-06:00

Who knew Texas toast would be so awesome to make at one in the morning. :)

I think a lot of things are funny. For instance, I think it's funny when my conductor tells us to play an E when it's supposed to be an E flat. Or when I make a quantum physics joke at a table full of engineers and most of them get it. Stuff like that.

I also find it funny when people know it's Shostakovich Week and don't actually understand that it's a Shostakovich week. As in, I'm really stressed out and listening to Soviet music, including pieces depicting the WWII German invasion of the U.S.S.R. and Bloody Sunday. (Which is actually my favorite right now)

I know it'd be so much easier to tell people that they're doing stuff incorrectly. But I never want to be that guy. Problem is, I think I'm supposed to.

I'm *this* close to whipping out my mess kit and living out of my room. Life would be much more annoying, surely, but I'm almost positive nothing will change in the rest of my apartment. What's the point? And yes, this seems like a very specific example (which I like to shy away from) but seriously, this is ridiculous. Make way for the sarcasm and cynicism, everyone! I'm reaching my breaking point and it's not going to be fun.

Here's a news flash: I'm bitter. I walked out of rehearsal today and thought, "Well, this is pleasant. -_- I'm an hour and a half away from the closest bed." And it was dark out and I didn't quite know where I was going. Just to make things worse, I know all these people who find good ol' enjoyment out of watching movies, playing games, or even drinking and I have to be all uppity by trying to get a kick out of playing in orchestras.

I'm tired and I'm stressed out. I work myself but never in the directions that will help me get a job or achieve something noteworthy. It's the middle of Shostakovich Week and I'm just happy if I can sleep in my bed for a few minutes without dreaming about something terrifying. Is this too much to ask for? Or am I being greedy by doing so much and expecting so much back?

That was a rhetorical, sarcastic set of questions. :/ Seriously, I just want to relax for a bit. None of this, "I'm relaxing for a bit because if I don't, my head will explode." No, I just want to sit around and think to myself, "Life is good."

Instead of force-feeding that mantra. It only gets worse when I don't make the airplane noises and say, "Open wide."

It's only Tuesday...

2010-02-02T10:20:00.002-06:00

Shostakovich Week is proving to be more difficult than anticipated.

I'm a mental wreck right now. I always feel the need to sleep but I've been to that place of rolling nap-titude and it isn't fun after you finally wake and break it. Homework is soooo difficult for me right now... I have to do pretty simple stuff like read or doing some calculus problems :P and my mind is going, "Nooo! It's so terrible!" *sigh* Gees, I feel like I'm fighting myself all over again.

Anyhow, that's my current update. The rest of the week might get better, but we'll see. I've got a lot going on and a lot to accomplish. But if I can beat this, good. I need to carve a few more notches into my walking stick.

Shostakovich Week

2010-01-31T23:15:00.003-06:00

Photo courtesy of Garrulus / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

This week is clearly going to be a Shostakovich week.

I think about how many people I know listen to the works of Shostakovich. I then think about how many of those folks actually understand Shostakovich. It took me a while to get him, and I've even had the honor and privilege of playing his music.

I'm too easily influenced. When I'm stressed out it takes a lot more energy to stay focused than I'm used to. My default mechanism is to trust other people's judgment. While this usually works out okay, a lot of times I start making bad decisions or I become embittered just listening to the perceived suggestions and ideologies of those who surround me.

Right now I'd love the strength to just lock myself in my room and get my work done. It's already bad enough I can't be open about what's going on; if I was, I'd get on everyone's nerves simply because my standards of quality are different. Oddly, I'm getting a bit sick so I should be able to stow away to my cave easily enough. You'd be amazed at what you can accomplish when you're feeling downright miserable.

In a kinda funny but mostly surreal way, it's flabbergastingly ridiculous how easily it is for folks to take things for granted. It's also really interesting looking at how different people solve problems. Some people like to just pretend the problems don't exist.

Hehe, what a bunch of morons. 0_o

And I don't say that as some dude heckling from afar; I say it as some guy who has tried doing that and realized it didn't work. At least, not for me. I have beef with pretending everything in the world is just lollipops and rainbows. It isn't. I'm not saying we need to be pessimistic or cynical, but we can't just ignore stuff.

Honestly, I'm mostly just surprised at how great a job my parents did at raising me. Really, I can't thank you guys enough. :)

This week is in infancy but I've got to survive through 'til the end. I'm fighting a lot of battles at once and it might drive me crazy but that's okay. There may be casualties, but I've still got me.

Reset

2010-01-28T15:47:00.002-06:00

I like throwing that word around. It has meaning to me.

I've voted to spend my energy managing my thoughts. This isn't an attempt to monitor myself or my expressions, but rather to not be overwhelmed by "real life". These past few days have been increasingly distressful because I haven't been managing my "thinking time" well. If I were a philosophy major, I feel that while passion might help me do my work, tangential thinking might open too many windows at the same time.

Isn't it odd, using an operating system as a meaningful metaphor?

As I was pondering in statistics class, I'm on the edge of expression and responsibility. And the problem is not choosing which path to take. The problem is choosing when to take each one.

So for now I will be confined to my whiteboard, only appearing every now and then to scrummage for some food or grab some fresh(er?) air. In the meantime, these videos from John Green will tie me (and perhaps you) over.

Also, I think J.D. really had a profound influence on my writing style. :) Thanks Salinger, you will always be remembered.

2010-01-28T14:05:00.001-06:00

A literary hero of mine has passed away and all of the sudden I am filled with the urge to tell everyone I know, even if the news to them isn't nearly as dear as the news is to me.

I feel like expressing myself today yet I am limited by the constraint of statistics homework. Cold, static statistics homework.

INFJ. IMHO, it all seems like busy work right now.

What would Holden do? What would I do? My patience with Quality is waning.

The hunt continues.

Typical me

2010-01-26T23:26:00.003-06:00

One 1.5 hour drive later and a few minutes into rehearsal, I've already changed my mind.

While it's true that I still agree with most of my last post, I want to add that in searching for quality in others I neglected seeing quality in others. I was looking for something specific when all I had to do was refocus my lenses on another aspect of these individuals.

The reason I've changed my mind was that when I walked into rehearsal, I realized I wasn't chosen to play because the world was out to get me. Simply enough, we wouldn't have had enough bassists otherwise. I was just another bassist to them.

Let me rephrase that: I felt good being just another bassist.

I still maintain that I'm an intellectual and not a bro. Me seeing this change so (relatively) quickly after finishing that blog post is just another reflection of that distinction. I see quality in all these other things that most people don't think about. How many people do you know who think about the quality of taking out recycling? Probably just the OCD kids, and they certainly don't do it out of choice, I'm afraid.

The fact of the matter is, some folks don't see quality or lack of quality in certain actions because they don't see a need. Just like folks not seeing a need in doing well in math if they don't like it or don't plan to use it. As an intellectual, I see quality in such traits as self-reliance, effort, teamwork, thoughtfulness. In many ways, I'm looking at a completely different world than some of the people I'm complaining about.

So when I talk about masks, I see a lack of quality in having to put them on. People who aren't aware enough to see through the masks don't see any lack of quality, and those that are aware enough to see through the masks see the real me anyway and either take that as quality or still look at the mask metaphor as poor quality.

In any case, looking for specific quality in certain things neglects the quality of seeing all qualities, even conflicting ones. Right now I feel like I'm talking myself in circles by using "quality" so liberally, but I feel like it's an accurate description if you know what I'm talking about.

Pardon me, but...

2010-01-26T15:45:00.006-06:00

I'm not a bro.

Look, I wrote that last post to promote my friends' website. Aside from the CS marvel that it is, I really don't want anything to do with it.

I'm trying not to be too negative but here I am writing a blog post when I should be sitting in ECON 302. And why? Well, my calculus quiz in one of my statistics classes ran over. Because I didn't know how to integrate a few functions. Those problems should've been completed, but I slacked on my studying last night. This isn't just a random post. I've been off my game lately.

I'm pretty on-edge right now. Aside from just finishing a concert last Saturday, I've been trying to keep our apartment livable and myself sane. Schoolwork is beginning to kick my arse and I'm not in the best of moods to go around functioning like everything is just peachy-keen. I've got rehearsal that's a stupid 1.5 hour drive away tonight because I couldn't come up with a good enough excuse to not play the next concert. Never mind that I have a conflict with the dress rehearsal; I can just show up thirty or greater minutes later and that doesn't seem to phase anyone.

To be honest, that's just stupid. I'm a mathematics/statistics major who just happens to play bass really well and they can't find someone else who could fill my shoes.

Questions: Why aren't there any bass players of equal or better skill who can replace me? Why doesn't this orchestra want to replace me for this concert? Since I know the people running this orchestra, why don't they care that I've got school to go to? Why do people think they're so grand when really they've been overlooking these basic facts?

Either these people think they're awesome and they're just ignorant or they're selfish and that makes them a dick.

I'm not quick to jump to black&white conclusions but this is ridiculous. Since when is it okay to think from one perspective only? Am I the only one who's getting this?

*deep breaths*

I know I'm not the only one getting this. There are plenty of you brilliant people out there. :) So back to this Hotty Tourney... Honestly, I think the website is just the pinnacle of bro-dom. I'm not against the website, just like I'm not against smoking, watching pornography, or drinking every weekend like it's going to mass or something. Seeing as I'm missing ECON 302 right now, let me put it this way: opportunity cost. Instead of doing those things, you could be doing something exciting! Something intellectual! Oh wait, there's that word.

I am an intellectual.

As if Fate just felt like having its way today, the first post on Urban Dictionary says, "Parties bore Dan because he is an intellectual." In fact, those three entries available do a pretty good job of summing up what I enjoy about life.

Huh.

For those of you in the audience who are completely shocked by this, let me let you in on something: I wear masks. And I wear them a lot. In a mundane and less-sinister manner, I put on a "music mask" when I go to orchestra, and a "swing dancing mask" when I go out to jitterbug.

Note how I didn't say "lenses." These are masks. As in, I'm hiding things. :P Because I can't expect musicians to see me as anything more than a double bassist. I can't expect my professors to know that scheduling evening exams conflicts with rehearsals. I can't expect my partying friends to know that instead of having a good time, I'm pondering life twenty different ways in the course of a minute.

It's sad in a sense that I feel it kind of reflects a bit of uneasiness around lots of different folk. Too many times I've taken off masks and been disappointed when the people surrounding me started forming opinions about me and started wandering off. In essence, to appear as "a great bassist" I had to act like one, which meant that music came first and any time it didn't was something unavoidable, like schoolwork.

Well, I've got news kid: it's all fake.

I am really getting sick of all this praise for a mask I put on all the time. It's not even that creative of a mask. My mask is basically just this really polite, modest bassist who has a passion for bass and wants to play music for the rest of his life. He's loyal, thoughtful, responsible and a quick learner.

Sure, it looks appealing, but rarely does anyone ever look past the mask. Quick learning soon devolves into amount of sleep gained. Loyalty is in fact based on any number of factors including type of gig, location of gig, and how my schedule happened to turn out. Modesty, in all honesty, was just me telling the truth. I don't practice and I'm not very good compared to the music majors out there. Then why me? It's a combination of my mask and the inability of others to fill my seat.

I have this feeling that so many people just sit down and say, "Okay, I'm comfortable. This works for me." And that's it. They're just content. 0_o It's okay to be happy, but why does happiness need to be linked to being content? No matter how many times my mommy yelled at me to do the dishes or take out the trash, I still thought to myself and said, "How can I solve this problem?" And oddly enough, the problem was difficult, since some people around here still don't have it down.

This post is long, I know. I'm ending it right now. But let me first end this with this warning: I'm not here to make friends. I honestly don't care who reads this and gets offended. If anything, I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of research all by my lonesome. Perhaps with more masks, who knows.

*pause*

Some people don't like or want to know the real me. I get that. But for those of you who do but still feel like you're behind a mask... A little thoughtfulness goes a long way. My masks are actually quite transparent; if you just look a little closer, you'll catch a glimpse of my real face and I'll notice that we see eye to eye.

*unpause* Anyhow, here's to 2010 and spending more time studying in my room. Cheers! ^_^

Hotty Tourney

2010-01-25T22:33:00.000-06:00

Photo courtesy of Lucas Janin

Hey all! Today I'm promoting a site a few friends of mine have been working on for some time now: Hotty Tourney. Now before you get all antsy about what I've posted, let me assure you, I too believe "hotty" should be spelled "hottie" and not as it is in its current manifestation. :)

I'm promoting this site for a number of reasons. First is that, yes, some of my viewers might actually be interested in this. This isn't a typical link I'd post but for those of you out there who care, I'd like to share with you something that might spark your interest.

The second, and main, reason I'm promoting this site is because it's my friends' project. I've always been a fan of creativity and showing off the product of hours and hours of hard work. Hotty Tourney, underneath all its polish and fine craftsmanship, is a project that has been months in the making. To see it up and running now is really awesome.

So even if Hotty Tourney isn't really your style, I urge you to at least check it out, move around the site, see what it has to offer.

2010-01-23T20:36:00.001-06:00

It's intermission at one of my concerts and I'm sitting on stage, blogging to you. Here I am, making music in a beautiful concert hall for people who want to hear me and my fellow musicians play. And let me tell you, it is a wonderful feeling.

I'm living a dream, really. I'm going out and keeping myself musically active, working myself pretty hard. It's true, I'm not the best musician I could be right now, but I must give myself some credit for pushing farther than many of those who surround me. Often times my work ethic confuses people, or sometimes people don't bother trying to figure it out.

Quality.

Thinking about it just gives me the shivers! And I meet folks who ignore it, some who try to mimic it. Rare is the person who creates it on a regular basis.

If you're one of those people who understands Quality, count yourself blessed with an amazing gift. You've got a grand future ahead of you.

Lately (an update of sorts)

2010-01-20T22:21:00.004-06:00

Wow, it's only the second day of school and already I feel swamped.

Tonight was my first rehearsal for anything back in Chambana and it brought a few things to the front of my mind. One thing is that I don't have a lot of wiggle room this semester. Even though I've dropped one orchestra I've picked up three shows this semester and they've got my evenings busy. Not to mention that (right now) I'm taking more classes. Things may change as the semester progresses but from my point of view now, I'm a very busy person.

The other thing that occurred to me this semester is that I've changed considerably. I'm not as optimistic about other people as I used to be. Not necessarily more cynical, though, just a bit more grounded. If I want something done, I do it myself and suffer silently. It's odd, though, because unlike the past, my main intention is not to suffer silently. It's to get things done. It also gives me the right to be as pissed off as I want. :P Oddly enough, being bitter actually feels good from time to time.

I've also got a lot of challenges this semester. Like my senior year of high school, I've got some goals I've set out to accomplish and I plan on tackling them head on. I would like to do well in my new major, statistics, as well as play some amazing music and perhaps get better at an instrument. I also want to be more responsible and mature... Haha, I think that's about it. I really don't know if I can fit anything else in.

I'm still behind on some thank you letters and a few other things and I apologize to those of you getting the short end of the stick from me. :/ As this new regiment becomes more and more familiar, I'm sure I'll get better at doing all of this stuff. Until then, it's one step at a time for me, lest I stress out and screw myself over in the process.

An Eagle Project Story

2010-01-20T00:02:00.001-06:00

I know I promised a blog post several days ago but I got really busy and so I put off completion until today. :/ On the bright side, though, this means I've had more time to hammer it out! Okay, let's begin.

Back in 2007, when I was but a wee seventeen-year-old, I decided to tackle a project much bigger than myself, known as an Eagle Project. I created several cabinet-style trash and recycling receptacles. My project can be seen in the lobby at MYA Center in Ft. Sheridan, IL. My dad was nice enough to put little plaques with my name on them so you can't miss them. :P

Now, ever since I installed them, I've been asked to tweak them from time to time. This is all fine and dandy; I actually think that since the project was put together with volunteer work and not as "fine-tuned" as a professionally built project, I understand what it takes to make it work.

Yet here I am, three years after I "finished" the project, still making tweaks. You'd think I'd be done, right? I would be, under normal circumstances. But the thing is, I'm having problems coming up with solutions. Why? Well, it's just a lack of communication.

I've only received calls saying, "Dan, fix it." I've never received anything detailing what's exactly wrong, why something is difficult to use, etc. Basically, I've been problem solving on and off for three years because the people who use it and have the problems aren't telling me their details.

When I designed my project, I decided to be a bit innovative. I used doors that came completely off and were attached by magnets. Pretty neat, eh? :) Well, I thought so, at least. Until folks had problems with them. It took years for me to identify the problems associated with those doors. At first I thought people didn't know how to put them on; I designed them to be lined up from the top first and I figured folks were doing it from the bottem. Okay... So I added some guiders at the bottom to fix that. Later on I find out that that doesn't work. :/ And why is that?

Now the doors are sliding off. Since this is such a sporadic job, I forgot that way back when I built the thing, the doors didn't slide off. Now they do. This slips my mind, so I just add more guiders to the bottom to prevent them from falling down. Little did I know, some maintenance guy decided to take off magnets and add "funky little doohickeys" instead.

Side note: I'm okay with people adding their own thing to my Eagle project. I really am. But... I think there's one thing that should happen: it should work! And if it doesn't work, I shouldn't be expected to fix it. You screwed up, you fix it. I'll be happy to consult but please, oh please, DON'T guilt me into fixing it. I will be oh so sarcastic and it will not be pleasant.

So anyway, these "funky little doohickeys" were crafted with the intent that the doors were to be lined up from the bottom and swung in. Oddly enough, lining the doors up from the top and swinging them in didn't work. At the time of these "sliding door" repairs, I didn't really care. The doors were staying up and no one complained about that.

I think it's really crazy how my Eagle project maintenance "devolved" into a shoddy repair job simply because no one else had the same high standards like I did. I just started listening to everyone else and I gradually lowered my standards until I was just like everyone else.

Just like everyone else. Not something I have ever aspired to be. >_<

It took me a while but when I got another call to fix the project, I put my noggin to the test and thought, "Okay, this time I'm fixing it permanently." So I spent a day and made a grand assessment. After finding "funky little doohickeys" falling apart, a lost wheel, and numerous other problems, I finally decided on hinges. While it wasn't nearly as awesome as I had originally planned, I decided that these folks couldn't handle anything more innovative than a standard door.

I bought them and installed them well and now they work. Probably forever. Later on I might fix the wheel, but that's if I'm feeling generous. And anything else... Well, that's not my problem. Go ahead and butcher my project, you did get it for free, after all.

Quality is my motto. Not being thrifty or being smart about things or even looking out for myself. Warm, beautiful quality. In all my travels, I haven't discovered anything more excellent nor more forgiving. If you want to learn more, read Robert M. Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Right now I'm tired and I want to sleep. -_-

Quality sleep, that is. That way I can be rested up for my quality life. :)

Is it odd?

2010-01-09T20:01:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went snowboarding with Ben and Sam and it was quite the adventure. I really enjoyed myself and just had fun and didn't think, for a change.

Today I've been out and about but mostly in pain. The snowboarding took a toll on my body and I've got bruises in lots of places and achy muscles that I've never really used before. It's difficult to move or sit still and two thoughts flow through my mind.

I'm happy and I'm not.

I'm not exactly pleased with my current situation because it limits me. I can't move around like I used to and my mind is often preoccupied with my physical problems. I seem helpless. I'm tired easily and distracted at times. It's not exactly easy to function like I've been able to in the past.

But I'm happy because this is an experience, a connection. For once in my life, something is happening! And it's also allowing me to feel what other people feel, what other people go through. It's temporary, yes, but it's a window I don't normally get to look through. I'm in pain and I enjoy it because it keeps me in check.

Is it odd? I think about all these things that most people don't spend the time to explore. Topics that most of us won't explore unless severely intoxicated or emotionally compromised. Why do we let these things creep up on us? Why settle with misunderstanding when everything can be figured out right before you?

I guess it all has to do with how you spend your time. I'm not gonna lie, thinking about life is exhausting and it eats up your days, weeks, and months. It isn't always easy to keep everything straight. But I'm not here to brag about something I've spent my time doing; mostly, I'm glad a lot of other folks don't have to subject themselves to such torment.

Frankly, it's a pain in the ass trying to manage your life and everyone elses, and see how they all fit together. Honestly, I often wonder how much easier my life would be if I hadn't begun questioning my life five years ago. If I had just ignored the holes in everyone's arguments, I'd probably be a lot happier.

But I enjoy who I am. It's just frustrating at times. Isolation sets in every now and then, and all that ever does is procure more thinking... :/ For every one person who "gets it" there are a dozen more who don't. Mostly, I'm just tired and exhausted and I while I feel like I want a break, I don't really.

No, I want people to wake up.

Let go.

2010-01-05T01:05:00.002-06:00

It's funny, I sat down to send out an email and maybe look into some graduate options. Instead, I'm here writing this blog post because I checked Twitter and noticed Felecia Day tweet this link. And right there, as the first step on "How to Make the Most of the Fresh Start of a New Year" is this message:

Let go.

"Let go of attachments to what you've been doing for the past year, or years. Let go of failures. Let go of fears you’ve built up. Let go of reluctance. Let go of your ideas about what your life has to be like, because that's the way it's evolved so far. Let go of long-held beliefs and habits."

This is what it's all about.

Today wasn't planned to be productive but it ended up being so. I started the morning off by making amends with a friend. That felt good. After that I kinda loafed around until baking a pizza, taking my sister to practice, and meeting up with some old friends. After chilling for a bit, I put air in my car's tires and took the recycling out.

A lot of the stuff I did today wasn't of my own doing. I had people to help me, to tell me what to do. But I didn't really mind. Sometimes it just helps to do something to beat a slump.

Read the rest of those pointers, if you have the time. Some are more relevant than others, but they're all nice in the right context. "Let go" happened to be the pointer I was looking for right now. It fits what I need because right now I need to let go of my past. I need to move on from all the things and all the people who are still stuck back there, static and content.

I don't like being static. And a lot of times, I don't like being content. :P Because if being content means stagnation, stability, happiness for its own sake, then I laugh. Maybe because I'm insane, but mostly because I like keeping my life in a state of constant improvement.

You know how you can look at people today and remember how they were years ago? And how they've changed? Well, I was thinking earlier today how it's weird to see how people don't change. The obvious changes and the obvious constants are boring. But the ones that take some thinking, that don't necessarily jump out at you: those are what really get me going.

People change. And they don't change. And that's what shapes the individual.

2010-01-04T00:29:00.001-06:00

"I believe in the potential of people. I cannot rest passively with those who give up in the name of 'human nature.' Human nature is only animal nature if it is obliged to remain static. Without growth, without metamorphosis, there is no godhead. If we believe that man can never achieve a society without wars, them we are condemned to wars forever. This is the easy way. But the laborious, loving way, the way of dignity and divinity, presupposes a belief in people and in their capacity to change, grow, communicate, and love."
--Leonard Bernstein, "The Mountain Disappears"

Reflecting on the end of a decade

2009-12-31T21:53:00.001-06:00

First of all, I'd like to start off by breaking the fourth wall, by pointing out that this post isn't going to be written in one sitting. To be honest, I want this one to be much more epic than that. :) This is the last post of 2009. It's the last post of its current decade. And I'd like to explore what's happened during that time.

As sappy as it is, I'm going to start off by talking about the year 2000. In that year alone I had graduated elementary school and managed first chair in a number of orchestras. It was the beginning for a lot of stuff. If only I knew then what would be in store for me for the next ten years.

As I grew up, I realized lots of things. For one, girls started keeping me busy. :P But I also learned to love music in a different way. After learning to be the principal of a section in 2000,

2001 saw the beginning of symphonic music,
2002 introduced electric bass and jazz,
2003 sent big bands and musicals,
2004 brought music theory and composition,
2005 delved into rigorous chamber music,
2006 drove home ska bands and professionalism,
2007 busied me with senior solos and operas,
2008 greeted me with a professional orchestra,

and 2009 reinforced all of the above. Especially learning to be the principal of a section. 2009 saw me leading a portion of the UISO double bass section. That's one concert I'll always be fond of.

In addition to growing as a musician, I've grown as a person. Just look at this blog! I believe this is the 786th published post. That's 786 posts over almost five years. That's freakin' nuts.

While I don't want to bore you with the details of how I've grown over the years (if you're really interested, they're all hiding out in the open in the archives), I do want to stress what the year 2009 was for me. After all, just because this is the end of a decade doesn't mean it's not the end of a year as well.

2009 started out a bit rough. It started out with 2008. :P And while I may joke about how crazy I thought I was back then, I do take it quite seriously. There always seems to be this divide between the mature and the maturing and it usually widens due to the mature having some twisted sense of humor involving their memories of growing up. I can't promise that my humor will not be present, but please don't let it get in the way of my message.

My world was falling apart! My grades were down, my ex-girlfriend (seemingly) hated me, and musically I wasn't at my best because, well, I wasn't a music major practicing my butt off every day. I had problems! And I tried to keep it together as best I could. I tried really hard to survive on a regular basis and in that regard alone, 2008 was successful.

Now, never mind that it was mostly the year of the Rat. That much I expected; 2008 was unforgiving in what it let me learn from myself. So when 2009 came along, I was ready. I played more music and applied myself in school and really looked forward to what I might do with my life. 2009 was when I found great meaning in God, figured out what fear was all about, and learned to let go of the past.

I might consider myself a philosopher simply because there is no better term out there to describe what I like doing, but philosophy isn't exactly accurate. I don't just think about stuff willy-nilly for funsies. Oh no, I wander with purpose. (See what I just did there? ;P) My journey is one in hopes of bettering myself and others. It's about understanding as much as it is about compassion. It isn't enough to know but to experience. And in that regard I have certainly succeeded.

It's strange, but now I know what it's like to be a straight A student, to be looked up to and admired. I know what it's like to feel helpless at the side of those you love, to feel comfort from those who love you simply because they will it, and to do great, crazy things because life and the moment requires it. I know what it's like to feel isolated, to feel cut off, to feel lost in the clouds and to feel thrown into the spotlight.

This past decade, I've survived middle school. And high school. And most of my undergraduate college experience. I've met a lot of people and gotten to know quite a few of them well. I've developed friendships and relationships. I've lost a few people along the way, due to a number of circumstances. I've hit some snags in the road due to my own nature and the nature of those around me. And above all, I've come to this point today which is a culmination of everything that has happened before. Essentially, I am who I am today in part due to this past decade.

This isn't just a last post for me. It's a charge. It's my final hurrah before I have to start writing "2010" on all of my assignments. Days like today remind me to look at myself more and admire who I see. I'll be honest, I spend way too much time being critical of myself and hating the product that is me. Hate hate hate. Too often I wallow in my own self-created sorrow.

I want to make a New Year's resolution and this time stick to it. Forever. I want to start loving myself, for who I truly am. I'm not accepting myself; I'm seeing what sits well and not changing it for anyone. All of the sudden, my opinion matters again.

I can start being happy again.

Top Twenty Influential Albums of the Past Decade

2009-12-31T15:48:00.007-06:00

Photo courtesy of jakebouma / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

To be honest, this wasn't easy. At first I thought, "I'll compose a list of my favorite albums." But no, that was too diluted a criteria. I couldn't just enjoy an album. An album had to change me. So... here it is! The order is a bit arbitrary, but the substance is there.

This Side (2002) – Nickel Creek
Speak for Yourself (2005) – Imogen Heap
Far (2009) – Regina Spektor
Wiretap Scars (2002) – Sparta
Chuck (2004)... – Sum 41
Boys & Girls in America (2006) – The Hold Steady
Do You Feel (2007) – The Rocket Summer
Is That a Riot? (2006) – Youngblood Brass Band
Everything Went Numb (2003) – Streetlight Manifesto
Music for Two (2004) – Edgar Meyer and Bela Fleck
Chase This Light (2007) – Jimmy Eat World
10,000 Days (2006) – Tool
De-Loused in the Comatorium (2003) – The Mars Volta
When Your Heart Stops Beating (2006) – (+44)
Sounding a Mosaic (2004) – Bedouin Soundclash
Vena Sera (2007) – Chevelle
…Until We Felt Red (2008) – Kaki King
Funeral (2004) – Arcade Fire
Fearless: Platinum Edition (2009) – Taylor Swift
Meteora (2003) – Linkin Park

My friend Joe posted his own favorite albums list. Good stuff, go check it out!

20/20 Vision in Hindsight

2009-12-28T01:10:00.003-06:00

*sigh*

Don't you hate it when you see all of the signs leading up to an event after the event occurs? And somehow you think you could have helped the situation if you just paid a bit more attention?

Life just isn't what it used to be.

I was flipping through some old photos with my friend Sasha and I remember all these birthday parties and family gatherings and a lot of togetherness. Nowadays, I don't see that. I see two things: really busy people and really bad, quality-less get-togethers that are hastily drawn up. What happened to just talking and getting to know each other? Why is there all this drinking and partying? What happened to intelligent conversation?

...

There are a lot of people out there who I miss dearly. It's true, I get to see them every now and then and hang out with them. But I rarely get to see their thoughtful side or their caring side. It's always movies or games or partying. Never sitting around and having a good ol' chat. You know, the kind that's a bit more serious than day-to-day chat but still interesting and not too stressful. The kind that causes folks to grow as individuals and learn more about themselves.

The kind of intelligent conversation that reminds me why I enjoy talking to you.

Living the college life

2009-12-08T13:59:00.004-06:00

Photo courtesy of JanetandPhil / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

You ever have those moments where you look at your current situation and compare it to the idealized version you set out for yourself years ago? I'm sitting in the Illini Union and observing those around me, as all good people-watchers do. :) And even though I'm sitting here, typing away on my laptop in between classes, I still feel like I'm missing something. This isn't the experience you read about in the college brochures. It's different.

I'm not a social powerhouse, balancing school, friends, and chill time. Heck, I'm struggling to keep it all together. :) But some of the stuff I am doing is wonderful. I'm playing in three orchestras, writing a paper on a game I love and enjoying the company of friends. It isn't ideal, mind you, but it is something really awesome, in the original sense of the word.

That photo up top: that's my school's student union. I wanted to post something that gave you a sense of where I am right now, except that photo is devoid of life. People. Human beings. I suppose I could take a picture with my laptop but I really don't feel like it. Maybe because I know my photo won't be nearly as good as the photo I did post. I'm a sucker for innate quality. Yet even quality photos miss communicating certain messages in favor of others.

Story time

2009-12-08T01:07:00.004-06:00

So now that I'm locking myself in my room until I get at least an outline on this paper I have to write about motivation in World of Warcraft. :) BUT before I do that, I mentally promised you all a blog post.

I find it very appropriate that I'm listening to Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony right now because, well, it'll be the next time I play with the UISO after this semester's last concert on Wednesday. I'm not quitting, no, but I am taking a break. I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing next fall and if I'll do orchestra then, but let's just take this one semester at a time. :)

My orchestra director came up to me and asked, "So, why aren't you doing orchestra next semester?" At the time it was kind of intimidating, but since I'm used to him being serious at times but fun at others, I just told him the truth and was very straight with him. :) After all, I didn't really know what to expect; the number of double basses in the orchestra was at an all-time low this year and here I was, claiming that I couldn't do orchestra next semester.

It's true, I can't do orchestra next semester. I have a class that conflicts with a half-hour of the orchestra time slot on both Mondays and Wednesdays. I knew my director wouldn't be able to pull strings to get me to play by missing a whole hour each week. I also knew he wouldn't want to; it'd be against his rules.

So we talked. And I went out on a limb -- more as a kind gesture than any sort of actually hope -- and asked him if he wanted me to show up and play anyway. Just like I predicted, he said he couldn't do that. He did ask if I wanted to do the next lower orchestra, which met at a different time that worked. I politely declined, and then we had a bit of a chuckle. We were on the same page: I'm a good bassist who wants to be in a good orchestra and it sucks that I can't play next semester.

I know, I know, I had a choice. I could have chosen to take orchestra instead of this other class. Once again, I could have put music above all the other things that matter to me. But this time, I put my foot down. This time I chose something that might develop into a research interest. This time I chose personal practice time over lots of performing. I don't like making these decisions but they need to be made.

So back to what I'm listening to. Tchaikovsky. I was going to play this piece for the last concert of next semester, right? But I'm not in the orchestra anymore... But you know what? I'm still going to play. :P

My director came up to me during our break and told me, "You know what, I'm going to break my rule." He asked me if I'd be willing to play the last concert, rehearsals and all, since we need the bassists. And I agreed, since I've played the piece a bazillion times and because I really do enjoy playing in that orchestra.

Also, note that I said we need bassists. In many ways, this is still my orchestra.

I may not be at the rehearsals next semester, but I'll still be at the concerts. Every single one of them I can. Oh, and one more thing: my director told me that there was always next year. I'm still only a junior, after all. :) I can still do this orchestra in the fall, despite plans to be in a ska band and apply for jobs/grad school and practice for a change. :P But that's a decision for this summer; next semester is when I'll find out if that'll be the right decision.

Oh look, a fictional letter!

2009-12-02T23:02:00.004-06:00

Dear people,

I'm stressed out, which is to say, I'm stressed out. No cryptic messages here; if I'm not up to your standards, then I'm sorry. As much as I'd like to just jump and say, "You're wrong!" I won't. I'm not here to challenge what you believe. That's your job.

My job is to sit around and feel sorry for myself until I gather enough courage to pull myself out of the gutter that is self-loathing. My job is to take your stress and anger and confusion and frustration and just withstand everything you throw at me. I don't expect you to understand where I'm coming from because I'm not about expectations. I'm about understanding what you're going through.

So yes, I see things from your perspective and I get that you're not happy with me. I really don't expect you to be. But sometimes I wish someone could just tell me that everything will be okay, that I'm just going through a rough bump right now.

I don't want understanding or forgiveness. Just comfort. Sometimes the necessities are the only things necessary.

Love, Dan