Wandering with Purpose

This is my Thought Consortium

2009-10-31T10:53:00.003-05:00

Before Twitter, before Facebook, I had this.

This blog.

And instead of trying to fit my thoughts into 140 characters or fewer, I wrote here. Instead of stalking friends' profiles or clicking on links and being distracted, I wrote here.

I was sitting in my media class the other day and my professor said that services such as Twitter forced people to think about what they did throughout the day. And I thought, "No, that's bullshit." Twitter allows people to write about things they do, but it causes no more reflecting upon action than a box of donuts. Media tools can act as a social movement, yes, but it's not the one for reflection and self-actualization. People are still sheep, more or less. And the ones that think aren't the ones that did so because of Twitter. Heck, I don't think so much because I started a blog. I started a blog because I think so much.

"Return to roots." The catchphrase returns. And dear readers, this time it is a return to my blog. I'm socially obligated to keep a Twitter and Facebook in case someone wants to get in touch with me, but these activities will no longer deter me from what I need, what I long to do. So let the cryptic writings continue! And maybe this whole blog thing will evolve into something more, something that can handle my thoughts and emotions to a far greater degree.

Ska band, anyone?

Who knows...

2009-10-27T23:19:00.004-05:00

"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life."

-- J.E. Buchrose

I have no idea who this "J.E. Buchrose" character is (and apparently neither does Google), but he or she is onto something. Right now I'm having a tough time trying to get through my classes. It might have something to do with loving and being loved; It's been two months since I was last in a relationship and while I know there are a lot of people out there who love me, I forget that sometimes.

I shouldn't be writing this right now, seeing as I have math homework to do. Then again, I've never really listened to myself when it came to things I was "supposed to do". But do I listen to myself otherwise? I've lead a very scared life for the past several years. And I know I'm not done with it yet because I still feel really low when I let down those who love me but have expectations for me. I'm not trying to absolve myself by claiming confusion and hysteria. What I'm trying to do is find answers to a very real problem that has very real consequences if I continue down this same path.

I'm a good kid. I've got many talents and I can do great things with them, but not all of them at the same time. I feel obligations to those who "need" me and I always push myself because I don't care if I get hurt. At a basic level, I care very much if I get hurt. And to top all of this off, I fear what I don't end up loving. Which really sucks when I sometimes don't love myself.

Things will be figured out; this much I have faith in. But right now, I need to survive. I've got some crazy performances coming up that I need to prepare for, on top of getting through this semester in one piece. Registration for spring classes starts next week. I've also got to hang out with friends who do and don't know any better and think I'm perfectly fine.

I may not be at my best right now, but that's never stopped me before.

This makes me happy

2009-10-27T01:59:00.001-05:00

I like happy things. :)

An update of sorts

2009-10-14T21:36:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone! I'm just writing to give a brief update, if you will. I've been really busy doing my whole "music thing" and it's been my focus this week, as it has been for the past month or so. Music was always the thing that took my mind off of things, but now I think there needs to be a change. Instead of distracting my thoughts with music and keeping them from ever surfacing, I'm going to start pulling away from music. So starting next semester, I'm dropping one of my orchestras.

As official as it is to have in writing, I'm sure a lot of you won't believe it until you see it. I'm usually in that boat too, but not today. No, today I'm realizing that I need to get my act together. I need to grow up. I look at a lot of my friends and what they're doing to prepare for graduation, as far away as it is. A lot of them are doing internships, practicing lots, studying for exams, etc. Me? I'm doing my "music thing" and it's really starting to eat at me.

People think I'm easy going. It's true, to some extent; I'm usually pretty flexible. But when I get stressed, oh boy... Let's just say that it's not pretty. X_x That's why I have my friends, hehe. But seriously, without some them I would be a traveling wreck. There are those friends that know me and then there are those that get me. I dunno, they can just tell when I'm not being my best and they right the wrongs.

And in a flash of insight, I thought about a particular friend who has been there for me in ways that I wish I could repay tenfold. A few summers ago, we went out for tea and my friend told me, plain and simple, that I was a bit more talkative after my first year of college. The realization of change happening gives me hope. Hope that I can vanquish my current demons and show off a brand new Dan for the rest of the world to know and love. :) Things may be rough now, but sooner or later, I'll grow up. Fear not!

Sooner or later I'll grow up, and when I do, the change seen will tell all that the struggle was well worth it.

And here we are...

2009-10-08T01:52:00.004-05:00

Image courtesy of from eye to pixel

I feel like I've grown up in a major way this past week.

I finally discovered what it means to truly love someone. It's crazy, really. Sometimes you feel really good about yourself and the person you love. Sometimes it drives you insane because you love someone who doesn't necessarily love you back. But you know you're in for the long haul, for better or for worse. And all that matters is being there for the person you love.

I've learned that I needn't feel so insecure about who I am and what I'm capable of. I shouldn't beat myself up when I need to figure stuff out. Everyone means well when they want me to do certain things, but it's ultimately my life and ultimately, I need to trust my own instincts on what to do with it. I alone know better than anyone else.

Most importantly, I've learned to respect those I care about. All of the sudden, the world isn't about holding everyone up to the same standards. It's about holding those you love and care about up to their own standards. Refusing to let them be anything but their best. Being there for them. It's really amazing when you realize it. :)

I'm really happy right now.

Don't read into this

2009-09-30T08:52:00.003-05:00

Life is far too interesting to do homework the night before. Or rather, I guess I want more challenge in already challenging abstract algebra homework? Do I try to keep things interesting by keeping my life moving? Am I really afraid of failing expectations, or am I afraid that things are starting to be routine? The fascination with anything but the present exists because the past was different, the future will be different or at least I plan on making it. We really do live our lives trapped in loops and I want to change that for myself. Maybe for a few others. But life is far too interesting to try moving boulders when I could be moving a million tiny little rocks instead.

We're on this huge hill, all tumbling down. Who is to say that falling down is bad if that's the way gravity wants to pull us? Our collective thoughts are dull, uniform, stale. We need something great to motivate us, which is to say that each and every one of you needs to go out there and do something with your lives. Happiness is an ideal, yes, but what of academic enjoyment? What of exploring that other side of you that no one likes to see? So much is unexplored because of lack of vision or lack of a desire to go there. This is a thrill ride, not a soma-induced mindfuck. You may not be on the same train I'm on, but I hope you'll like where it's heading. Do you even know where it's heading? I won't wait up for stragglers, but I will go back for them.

Life is an adventure, but not in the cliched sense. If I were wiser, I'd write this whole thing less cryptically. Instead, you'll just have to see for yourself if this nutcase of a writer (me) is onto anything.

(By the way, the post works better while listening to MGMT's "Kids" so, uh, reread it in the proper melodic context if you weren't already. :P)

Fearless?

2009-09-29T10:57:00.002-05:00

These last few days have seen me at my worst. I've been sick with something no deadlier than the common cold, but it's left me in a tizzy. As I contemplate where life has taken me since school began not long ago, I found out something base about myself. I have fears.

Now, we all have fears, don't get me wrong. But I'm not talking about the fear of heights or fear of spiders -- the clearly irrational fears that many of us have. No, I'm talking about the fears that manifest themselves as rational problems, the kind that disappear if you go looking for them and only show up to tease you from afar. And so I've been chasing these demons, not set to kill them, but to at least get to know their faces.

Right now I'm sitting with one of my roommates in our apartment's living room, letting the natural light pour in. The onset of autumn makes me glow with delight because on the inside I know I'm ready for change. I can actually see myself at my "home" somewhere in the future, relaxing and just listening to Pandora send me acoustic guitar music through the speakers of my laptop. I know I'm a busy person, but at this moment, I'm not. At this moment, I'm essentially me.

While I haven't been able to clearly identify all my fears, I think I've identified a major one: the fear to not meet the approval of others, including myself. I get so down in the dumps sometimes I forget that there are a lot of people who are proud to know me and excited with what I do with my life. All the stress and pressure from academics and productive rehearsals and even hanging out with friends has me strung out. Worn thin. And before I go into it more, we need to set some ground rules.

I don't think too much. No, I actually think a healthy amount for my age and that's what makes me me. I intuitively know this at all times and to tell myself not to think is destructive. But what is destructive about thinking is when I think in a self-serving manner. Thinking to make myself feel better, to comfort myself is not an option. Nor is thinking to tear myself down, for obvious reasons. Thinking was never the problem; the problem was what I thought about.

Also, I'm not too sensitive. Exactly how could one connect to Brahms or Beethoven without being sensitive? I'm aware of my surroundings. And I care enough about some of my friends to inquire when something is up. The big problem was always meeting others' approval. I caved under pressure and I want to change that. Nay, I'm going to change that.

I guess the goal right now is to lead a simpler life. No more analyzing the past. No more trying to emotionally prepare for the future. I need to live in the here and now.

Let me just plug that in for ya...

2009-09-21T12:02:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting in one of my math classes writing this up because I really want to branch out more when it comes to academic research. I love math -- don't get me wrong -- but as I've found out over the years, I'm really more of an applied mathematics guy than that dude who does math for the sake of math. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the abstractness of my education very much (or rather, usually, hehe), but when I don't see an interesting way to apply it to solve some sort of problem, I grow disheartened.

That's why I started another blog. This other blog has been around since last March but it's been dormant due to my inability to focus enough to write in it or research stuff for it. But no more! In fact, I like to think of that blog in this sense: it's worth subscribing to. :) WaPu was never a serious venture, but more of an outlet for serious thoughts. That other blog will be a serious venture. So basically, that's the main difference.

And so we begin anew...

2009-09-18T01:48:00.003-05:00

My laptop came in today and I'm just now getting everything installed and all the settings configured just the way I want them. It's a hassle, and while I was convinced I would get along fine without the contents of the hard drive that got wet, I'm finding it a tad difficult. What happened to all my avatars? What about all those musical motives I wrote in Sibelius files? It's true that I can still play AoE II and I'm just now starting the long process of reinstalling WoW, but you do realize that you're missing a few things.

Somethings you don't realize are important to you until they're gone. That's just the sad truth.

A Letter to the Architect

2009-09-17T10:38:00.002-05:00

Dear Internet,

I really enjoyed getting updates from you sent to my phone but I've decided to discontinue this service. Why must I feel like I'm always plugged in? It's really kind of silly, so I've decided to sever my ties with Twitter, Facebook, and the like. It's not like I won't be using them anymore, but that I won't be trying to get glimpses of them when I'm in class, rehearsal, or simply without a computer.

As such, I will also try to distance myself from the familiar activity of Facebook/Twitter/blog stalking my friends. I will try to check their accounts daily, if I must, but perhaps it is in my best interest to not feel the need to know their every posted thought. It actually might be in my best interest to write a program that compiled these into a short summary. Only time will tell.

Your faithful buddy,
Dan

This one has a title!

2009-09-16T17:19:00.003-05:00

That last post was half success, half failure. I was able to compose a fairly lengthy text and have Blogger update it. My only problems were that it didn't have a title (and my texts don't have subject lines, so bah), and it didn't update right away. That last point isn't that big of a deal, but I'm better of micro-blogging through Twitter anyhow. And speaking of Twitter...

I tweeted a lot today. As a matter of fact, I think I tweeted too much, which means -- yep, you guessed it -- I'm thinking too much. Based on last week's mini-education, I'm trying to distract myself by being productive. It's tough. A lot of my usual activities aren't mindless enough to allow me to succeed easily, so things like practicing bass, doing advanced mathematics, and swing dancing are out. Other things, like surfing the Internet, are also difficult because I don't have a computer to fiddle around with. I'm in a pretty crappy situation right now and I don't like it. I think I'd better stop blogging now before I get too sarcastic/personal/nonsensical.

*finds out laptop delivery attempted today but no one home*

Yay World, you just love to screw me over.
(too late on the sarcasm, but thank goodness I'm mature enough to not blame anyone other than the World)

2009-09-15T15:17:00.002-05:00

I'm attempting to blog from my phone and I admit, it is quite difficult. We'll see how long this post gets before I become tired of typing. And gees, who knows how well it will format when it's all said and done.

I got an email the other day about a math conference that I really wanted to go to. However, a dress rehearsal for a concert conflicts so I can't go... :( Why do I still have to make the decision between math and music? I really don't want to give up any of the music I'm playing because I enjoy it all. I just want to be able to enjoy some of my other complex interests a bit more. I'll debate it out in the coming year so I can have a clear picture for senior year and, most likely, grad school.

[to this i pledge my sacred honor]

2009-09-11T23:00:00.002-05:00

I've thought about getting a Ph.D for the longest time. Here are some of my reasons:

Everyone would call me "doctor" instead of "mister"
I'd feel good about myself
Instead of "Mr. Bass" I'd be "Dr. Bass"
I really enjoy learning
I could avoid entering the "real world" for a bit longer

Basically, I think it'd be pretty neat to get a Ph.D. I've been scared, though, for various reasons. Things like money, time, ability, and what I'd want to study have all gotten in my way. Relations, too, have knocked on my door and I've been afraid of losing all the good things I have now. To be honest, a lot of stuff was floating around in my head. :P But now? Well, a lot has happened this week and let's just say that a friend of mine has really opened my eyes to what I've been doing with my life for the past few years.

I think. As you all know. :D And I stress out pretty easily, which some of you may know and some of you may not because you think I'm pretty chill and get along with everyone. IT'S NOT TRUE! What's crazy about life is that it keeps going whether we're ready or not. This past weekend, my laptop was the recipient of some mysterious water damage and I was freaking out because of that. Yet in the middle of the week, when I was blubbering on to friends about my life and what I was freaking out about, I remembered that hey, I'm pretty awesome.

So in a fashion quite Barney Stinson-esque, I started to tell myself to stop thinking when I was stressed out. Stop thinking when my thinking didn't make any sense. Stop thinking when my mind was racing and I didn't know left from right. And why? Well, a friend of mine told me that I was fine the way I was.

It's funny that this happens now because you'd think that surely, one of my friends would have told me that everything will be fine or that I'm just going through a bad phase or whatever. But no, something about this was different. This time, instead of beating myself up and spiraling into a brainstorm, I instead asked myself if the problem was my reasoning. Why was I thinking the thoughts I was thinking? And were they logical? Did the feelings match up? And that's when I realized I have really low self-esteem at times.

There were hints right out of high school. As the atmosphere changed, no one in college was there to cheer me on and congratulate me on my achievements. Already I did not feel comfortable and as soon as I hit a snag second semester, I lost everything. My grades plummeted, I drew away from my friends, and all that made sense in the world no longer made sense. Only now do I realize that these were all because I had no one rooting for me. Only now -- after placing myself in so many activities and accomplishing so much -- can I look at myself and say with confidence, "I'm pretty good at what I do."

It's not an ego thing. And yes, I try to be modest. But I won't lie to you. I won't lie to myself. When I really put my mind to something, I do well. When I am really passionate about something, I win. This isn't about trying to be the underdog or trying to be humble or trying to relate to everyone else. Guess what? It's sometimes hard to relate to people who don't push themselves to stand out. But does that mean we can't enjoy each others' company? Of course not! And that's just on the surface; people are like onions and there are so many layers, it's ridiculous.

This is why I made a pledge to myself this afternoon. This is why I tweeted:

[i will not let assumptions and misinformation be my downfall; to this i pledge my sacred honor]

This is why I chose to use words from the Eagle Scout Charge to round out this promise. This is why I chose my words carefully to reflect what I really stand for.

I will not tolerate a lesser person than I am capable of being. And I will not destroy myself, time and time again, simply because of a few inherent weaknesses and a past I'm not exactly proud of. It's been a long journey, I know, but that doesn't mean the journey is over. It's far from over, actually.

This is how we amaze ourselves, time and time again.

The need for sleep

2009-09-01T16:05:00.003-05:00

Photo courtesy of Scott Beale/Laughing Squid

It's one thing to want to sleep because you're sleepy. It's another thing to want to sleep because you want to escape the world.

I want to write about what I'm feeling so bad but the background information is both personal and expansive so I really can't do more than say, "I'm in a weird mood," and be done with it. And that doesn't even begin to measure up to what I want to say because English is a finite language and it will always communicate a message that is not nearly as accurate as it needs to be.

I remember when I wrote about having a mental illness. I still haven't been diagnosed with anything and I really don't think I ever will, but rereading that post -- and more importantly, thinking these past few days about paranoia and stress -- has given me a new perspective on what I've grown to call "my views" over the past few years.

It is safe to assume the following: I think too much. While my abilities to see different possibilities has aided me in problem solving to a large extent, it has also left me with a lot of baggage. One of the bags it leaves is something I am now going to call, "Outcome Overload." I wrote about it previously,

When I get stressed, my default response is to start brainstorming outcomes to events as they stand. This includes thinking about what I'm going to do in the next few days, how I'm going to interact with friends over the course of the year, or even crazy things like getting married or whether some random stranger is going to knife me on my way to class! A lot of it can be in good fun, no doubt, but it can also be a large headache and a disaster for when I want to operate successfully in the real world. I begin to worry, and then... well, it usually doesn't spell anything super fantastic.

In addition to what was written above, it also involves the craziest, most paranoid and worrisome situations and outcomes that could ever happen. Finding this out so recently about myself has actually scared me a bit. I used to chastise others who thought that way ever so slightly. Now I see the error in my ways...

These days I'm just trying to keep my head on straight. I want to talk about what's been on my mind, but it'll require a lot of time to organize my thoughts and a few phone calls to those I know are okay with knowing the "real me." It's times like these that remind me why I hate certain social conventions. This one reminds me of why I hate tendencies to avoid awkward situations for the sake of comfortableness.

..

Thinking about it hurts. I will stop now.

First Train Home

2009-08-28T16:21:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone! I decided to post the official video for Imogen Heap's "First Train Home" off of her new album Ellipse. It's in stores now! And if you want to give it a preview first, you can check out my previous post.

Today was an exciting day because I gave blood for the first time! It was really kind of cool because I got to see them stick the needle in my arm and then proceed to give a pint of blood! I don't feel nauseous or anything, I've been drinking water all day and I feel great. :) The people at the drive were really nice and I enjoyed the company. Who knew donating blood could be so much fun!

Today was also an eventful day because it got me thinking about how I operate and what that means for people I interact with. I think a lot -- apparently :P -- and I just made the connection today between thinking and stress. When I get stressed, my default response is to start brainstorming outcomes to events as they stand. This includes thinking about what I'm going to do in the next few days, how I'm going to interact with friends over the course of the year, or even crazy things like getting married or whether some random stranger is going to knife me on my way to class! A lot of it can be in good fun, no doubt, but it can also be a large headache and a disaster for when I want to operate successfully in the real world. I begin to worry, and then... well, it usually doesn't spell anything super fantastic.

While I may encounter problems here or there, this part of my personality is extremely useful. It allows me to be creative by pushing the boundaries of what is possible and definitely allows me to always be prepared for situations when they occur. Now that I'm aware of the pros and cons, I'm going to work actively to deactivate this stress response when it causes me to worry or lose my head. I don't like freaking out -- no one ever does -- and I'm sure no one like seeing me freak out.

As much of a pop culture noob as I am, I'm still able to make these crazy obscure connections to stuff, as long as I'm familiar with the material. I feel that if I actually paid attention to the greater world around me, I'd be pretty good at playing Taboo or making small talk. As I am not, I kind of just mill about, thinking to myself and pondering what's out there.

Huh.

If I was able to write down every major thought I had today, I'd be able to write at least a dozen blog posts of decent length. Really, the only things that keep me sane are what I like to call "distractions," which is basically just my simplified, objective name for the activities that make up our day to day life. In other words, I need things to keep me from thinking. Really, I do! So when a conversation lulls or some time frees up in my rehearsal schedule, I need to be on alert for an influx of ideas and thoughts. Some will be insightful, others will be deadly, but now I'm a lot better off knowing the difference. Things will by no means be easier on the road ahead, but they will be more fulfilling. I feel like I've made a lot of progress today and I'm excited for the future.

Oh, I dunno...

2009-08-27T11:36:00.002-05:00

I feel like writing this to kind of verify for myself and others that I'm not completely dead to the world. While I may not be updating my Facebook status or Twitter feed with cryptic messages, I'm only refraining from doing so because I really don't want to deal with all the questions. My blog is obscure enough that it won't solicit prying eyes from phantom friends and other Facebook junkies and Twitter addicts.

Life's been kinda rough lately. I moved back to school last week and started my classes this past Monday. The classes seem doable, so there's no problem there. However, right now I'm trying to work out which musical things conflict with each other and how I'm going to manage all that. Stuff that makes me unhappy, but it's what happens when you're a music major. *ahem*

And just as well, the past comes back to haunt as I return from a summer of optimism to the place where my life changed. Forever. And to think freshman year was only two years ago... I'm resolving issues with ghosts from my past and trying to see what they're trying to tell me about the now and later. I kind of wish it wasn't all so cryptic but that's what makes it so much more rewarding to figure out. And that much more rare. *sigh* Yesterday I asked through Twitter if it was really worth it to deal in such abstract mediums when so many people miss the point.

A friend of mine told me that it was worth it for those who do get the point.

I was walking back from my audition today and I was wondering what kind of friend I was. You know, what was I good for? Yes, I was musical and mathematical and I like helping out and stuff, but what about the basics? Am I the funny friend, am I the serious friend, what? What role do I play? After much self-deliberation, I decided that I'm the friend that fills the voids. If you don't have a goofy friend, then I'm your guy. If you need someone to debate philosophy with or just vent to, I can be that friend as well. I don't have a well-defined role because I don't think I'm that well-defined.

Indeed, what happens when there aren't any voids to fill? What do I become then?

These are just some of the things that have been on my mind lately.

Packing

2009-08-19T00:10:00.003-05:00

I'm supposed to be packing for my trip downstate tomorrow but I really don't feel up to the challenge. Every time I discover something I forgot to pack, the things that I'm trying to think about multiply and crowd each other, as if they all required the same amount of attention. They do not, I assure you, but it really sucks for me when I'm trying to think about what I'm going to bring down and what things I'm going to use.

What will I be able to accomplish this next year? Will the programming books go unused? Will my math books collect dust along with my whiteboards? How many dress shirts should I bring? Why all the instruments and recording equipment? I'm tired, which is to say, I'm stressed. This stuff is driving me nuts and I don't know what I'm going to do next year.

Streetlight Manifesto and more

2009-08-17T22:20:00.006-05:00

Streetlight Manifesto posted a new video recently for their song "Would You Be Impressed?" off of the album Somewhere in the Between. The video was animated by artist Jurjen Bosklopper and here's what the band had to say about the video on their YouTube page:

The creation of this video was funded entirely by the band, after our label refused to help us make a second video for our record. Our record label forced YouTube to remove our last music video from our account by claiming that using our own recorded music was a "copyright violation". If this video disappears from our account, we just want everyone to understand why. If you dig our band, or any band for that matter, make sure your support goes straight to the band and not to the companies that often times reap the benefits of the band's success without actually ever helping the band. Thanks.

Seeing this on their YouTube page really riled me a bit. People are so selfish and corrupt that they no longer respect creative rights to mediums of art produced. Yes, we should have laws to protect against this, but we shouldn't have to! What happened to human decency? At the roots, I guess that's why we also have laws to protect people against murder, theft, etc. Why do people have to be so rotten? Why does the world suck so much?

I really enjoy spending time with the good people who reside on this planet. It's just that we have to watch our backs all the time for fear of getting screwed over by people who like to leech our happiness. *sigh* And we wonder why people try to escape reality through distractions all the time...

Listen to Ellipse right now!

2009-08-17T19:16:00.003-05:00

Image courtesy of Pop!Tech

Yay, Imogen Heap is streaming her new album, Ellipse! If you want to hear the whole thing, follow the link or just listen below. As of this writing, I haven't listened to the whole thing, but am listening to it now! I'm sure it's utterly gorgeous; I just wanted to get the news out quickly!

Reflecting on a summer

2009-08-17T15:38:00.002-05:00

Photo courtesy of stuartpilbrow

This summer is coming to an end for me. Once Wednesday comes, I will be operating once again out of Chambana, IL. Academics will resume, music will resume, freedom will resume. And yes, you read that last part right.

What of freedom? Wouldn't a summer be the most freedom that a person could ever wish for? But seriously, what is freedom without direction? This summer was full of money pressures, of silent responsibilities to family members and errant reminders of my habitat at the cohesion of two contrasting environments: social life and "work". Yet I enjoy work. And still I must live a life of guilt because I don't meet other folks' standards. *sigh*

When you're in a college environment, no one tells you that you're slacking or that you're failing their expectations. Actually, my impression is that no one has such tough expectations for others. They see a person, judge that person by their ability to do stuff, and then treat that person an example of his or her best ability. No one -- and I really mean this -- extends his or herself onto other folks, trying desperately to extend norms, work ethics, or personalities.

I was reading a post from some time ago and I think it's definitely relevant to this summer. Here's an excerpt:

Even though I'm friends with lots of people and everything, you can't really feel more comfortable than you are with your family. At least, that's how I feel. Even with my closest friends, it can be difficult to turn down going out or helping them out with a gig or something just because you're not feeling up to it. They'll understand, totally, but there's definitely some kind of strand that is holding you to try and be there for them.

With family, I try as well, but they just seem more understanding right off the bat to let you chill if you're feeling a bit off, you know?

The closer people are to you, the more they should be able to let things slide, right? At least, that's what I do. If any of my family or my close friends aren't up to doing something, I assume they're going over a rough hump and I let them do their thing. Time passes. And maybe they'll be up for it later.

Sometimes these humps and bumps persist for days, weeks on end. Sometimes they last a whole summer. Doesn't that suck. Too bad that's what happens to me.

Summer lacks direction. And no, it's not the screwed up sleep cycles or constant changes in schedule that gets me down. It's the lack of regular obligations. No regular job. No regular housework. Just odd jobs. And just when the odd jobs become a bit regular, they change on me or they finish. And then we start all over again for the rest of the summer and for all summers after that.

I have mixed feelings right now. Part of me feels good because I played a lot of music this summer. Music is, after all, one of my passions. This summer I played in a children's musical, a Fourth of July concert, a three-week run of South Pacific, summer music camp/orchestra, and an odd job at the local country club. I bought an electric bass and took double bass lessons. I even randomly jammed with some friends, and we had a good time.

This summer I also did a lot of physical activity. I played soccer once or twice a week, participated in a men's soccer league, and went swing dancing a few times. While not at the top of my list of things to do, the opportunities presented themselves and I took interest.

In addition to all that, I hung out with friends. We saw movies, attended concerts, and went out to eat just to enjoy each other's company. I helped serve at some Eagle Court of Honors. I even played World of Warcraft and hung out with some friends there. It was a good summer for friends.

Despite all of my accomplishments this summer, I fell flat with services. While I drove my sister to drivers education classes and took care of my own transportation for almost all of the summer, I wasn't able to help out enough around the house. I mowed the lawn a few times, but not enough times. I did some grout-work, washed dishes a few times, and helped out Mom and Dad with tasks when they asked for it and I was around. But that didn't matter because I failed on all the goals that were too daunting. I didn't patch up the driveway by myself. I took too long doing the chores beset to me. I was a failure because I had a messy room and rolled out of bed too late.

I'm not here to point fingers; I'm here to point out perspectives. Even though my room was messy, I kept all of my possession out of the way from the rest of the house, except for that one time when I had four or fives instruments in the living room. And that was only for a week or two.

Some more things I didn't do included complaining about other people not keeping a clean house, other people expecting things from me without talking to me first, and other people screwing up because of their habits. I may have blown up a bit at first, but I calmed my anger and distress with reasoning. People are flexible and people are stubborn. We live and we learn. And if we live and don't learn, then I just don't know. A philosophical debate that still rages on within me, I guess.

I'm not the only other person who has been summing up the summer recently. Friends have been too, many hinting at a tinge of sadness as we all go back to our respective colleges. Some are happy, though, as they look forward to seeing friends that were absent from the summer. Family, too, has its own qualms. To many eyes, my achievements these past few months have been microscopic in scope. I have been useless and have learned nothing. I have not been a help in any regard and have been selfish.

Those who may not know me may think that I am ending this post with satire of some kind. They are wrong, of course. For while I may be writing commentary by presenting extreme views, I also express these feelings honestly.

"If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the things I want to live for. Between those two answers you can determine the identity of any person."

-- Thomas Merton

*sigh* You don't really know me, now, do you?

Hello!

2009-08-12T14:29:00.005-05:00

Image courtesy of ewen and donabel

Good news: Diino is working again. After two days of down time, I can finally add those pictures to the top of the blog posts! After all, what better way to celebrate happiness than with a picture of Sudowoodo with a 'D' for a mouth? :D Exactly.

I'm sure I've shared this with some of you before, but the idea of "visualizing dimensions" has surfaced once again thanks to College Humor. Because I want you, the reader, to experience "Ice Age in 4-D" in the same fashion as I did, I have provided the "Imagining the Tenth Dimension" video that spurred my interest oh so long ago. And while both videos are fairly old (in terms of Internet popularity), please note that I just discovered the connection between the two. It's new to me and therefore something to blog about. Got it?

Some more filler blogging, persay

2009-08-11T10:36:00.003-05:00

Interestingly enough, I had a dream about flying an Albino Drake around town, although it was definitely inaccurate because I dreamed it as a proto-drake instead of a normal drake... Perhaps I amalgamated the Albino with the Green Proto-Drake drop? I'm hoping for one of those two, if not both. But anyway, that's not really why I started blogging in the first place... :P

The Diino client won't let me access my web storage for some reason so I'm just writing this post until something changes and I can access it again. It might be my laptop acting funky or the Internet being weird so I'm hoping for some sort of resolve when I go back to school next week. But until then! my thoughts shall be poured out into picture-less posts that aren't nearly as exciting as the post I was going to write about sociology. Which may never get written because I now realize I forgot what I was going to write about. -_-

In other exciting news, I've discovered that the math department has removed MATH 482 -- Linear programming, for all unfamiliar with the course catalog -- and left me with... nothing. I'm still registered for it, so I'm going to wait a few days and see if it returns. However, I doubt it. Earlier this summer, I was registered for a topology course that also disappeared. I happened to notice this one, however, since I saw that the class capacity dropped from twenty-something to zero. >_<

What the Hell, Math Department? How about letting us know about these things? This is the third class to disappear on my this summer, the first being an informatics class and the second being the topology course. Where is the communication? If I don't do any digging around, I guess I normally find out on the first day of "class." Mostly, this is just bogus and you guys are being stupid.

...

But yeah, that's what I've been up to lately. :) Oh, and I just remembered! My sociology post was going to be on me majoring in sociology. However, this seems unlikely since SOC 100 is scheduled right before or during orchestra and it's the beginning of a long quest chain prerequisite to a lot of courses, structured much like our beloved secondary education minor. Oh, University System, how you like to make things difficult for me.

I guess the remainder of today will be me cleaning up the house and/or focusing on finding a replacement for that ghost of a linear programming class. *sigh* Maybe Fate wants me to take a breather this semester? We'll see.

Why I play WoW, Part 2

2009-08-06T00:41:00.003-05:00

Today's gameplay went extremely well for me. On my first run through Heroic 25-man Vault of Archavon, I was able to get my hands on Furious Gladiator's Felweave Handguards, currently the best PvP hand piece in the game. It was all luck, really. I happened to be the only Warlock in the raid, and as these can only be worn by Warlocks, the Loot Master had no choice but to give them to me.

I also spent the better half of today farming mats today, allowing me to finally get my Tailoring to 435 so I can craft that Abyssal Bag like I said I would. :) And while I was at that, I helped win Wintergrasp and finally earned enough Stone Keeper's Shards to buy an Exquisite Sunderseer Mantle to help level my alts.

These were just a few of the (more tangible) rewards I gained from today's gameplay, and I wanted to share them with you because they are one of the reasons I play WoW. Now, I say "more tangible" because as we all know, none of these items exist in the real world. In fact, one might argue that it's better to earn real world rewards rather than work so hard for virtual rewards.

And I'd have to agree with the person who makes that claim. :)

You see, WoW isn't about pushing yourself to reach goals in order to feel good about yourself. No, WoW is simply a game, plain in simple. Some people might try to expand it to be something greater than what it really is, but their hopes and dreams will always fall short. These, my friends, are folks who take the game way too seriously.

While I was in Wintergrasp farming materials, a newly acquainted friend and I happened upon some Alliance players fishing. As a Horde player, it's my duty to crush the Alliance to a pulp, whether they're casting Firebolts at me or simply fishing in a pond, which is what they were actually doing. On my server, some zones allow us to fight -- such as Wintergrasp -- while other zones forbid fighting between the factions or at least allow us to turn it off. Seeing as we had no reason to not fight, my new friend and I killed lots of Alliance players and had a good laugh while doing it.

A few minutes later, I got a message from a Horde player, apparently an alt of one of the Alliance toons I had killed. He was a bit pissed that I had killed him, but what did he expect? Was I to just leave him alone while he fished? Whenever I fished in that zone, I always checked my surroundings and fished with other Horde players so that I would not be killed so easily. In this game, I've learned the optimal strategy because I saw a potential problem and thought of a solution.

Some players like that Alliance guy take this game too seriously. They feel the need to tell off players who kill them unnecessarily, steal items in-game, or even just do silly things like /poke and /punch them while they quest. While these things are certainly annoying, they can be avoided with a little forethought and are great learning experience. Now, if only people would learn that... :/

The game isn't always as generous as it was today. Heck, I usually wander around the game most days doing random things to try and earn gold so that I can afford basic repairs. If I make extra, I save my gold for some bigger reward! Every so often, I'll get a player who messages me asking for gold, and then starts insulting me because I refuse to. It's my gold, and I earned it! I actually remember reading an article on WoW.com about the game teaching people to be self-sufficient and work together to achieve common goals.

Basically, I want to get the point across that WoW really is just a game. When you next think about WoW, I don't want you to think about the crazy people who play it days on end and never eat or sleep. There will always be those people. And more importantly, I don't want you to be one of those people who automatically hates WoW simply because of that stereotype, especially if you've never played the game before. There will always be these people as well, but that doesn't mean you have to be one of them. :)

Why I play WoW, Part 1

2009-08-03T17:41:00.006-05:00

I was playing World of Warcraft a few minutes ago before Internet lag forced me offline. Before that, however, I was working towards revered with the Knights of the Ebon Blade so I could finally buy the pattern to craft my own Abyssal Bag. As a warlock, I currently have a Soul Pouch on my toon at all times and an extra in the bank to hold 12 extra shards. Ever since Blizzard capped Soul Shards at 32, I've kept those extras in the bank so that my bags didn't start filling with shards. Pretty nifty, eh?

But seriously, I'm not here to write about WoW and what I find interesting. Well, at least not at a surface skim. No, I'm really here to tell you what it means to play WoW and how rich of an experience it can be once you get into it.

April 1, 2008. That was the day I rolled my first toon, a warlock, and the day that would unknowingly change my life. Maybe not in a uber major way, but it definitely played a big part.

Anyhoo, I'll start with my initial perception of the game. When I was a freshman in college, I had a roommate who played a level 70 hunter and two friends who lived down the hall, playing level 70 toons, a priest and a mage. When I first saw these guys in action, I'll admit my first instinct was to poke fun at them. After all, wasn't playing WoW and activity that society had taught me to attack with ridicule? As I've found the general consensus to be that I was really ignorant and stupid back then, I'll admit that I was probably a dick and definitely very closed-minded. Here I was, judging a game I have never played simply because of societal pressure to think a certain way. And so, WoW transformed me initially by getting me to think outside the box.

While there are other reasons for playing WoW, I think that its ability to get me to think in an entirely different context has been a very valuable lesson learned. Instead of walking around joking about getting drops from mobs or equipping the latest +18 weapon of Infinite Wisdom, I'm instead joining in on a world like no other. In truth, it really is amazing what one can learn from a video game.

And let it be known...

2009-08-03T12:32:00.003-05:00

...it is August. Already. And I haven't written anything in over two weeks.

I guess I did get really excited about Imogen Heap and her new album but other than that and a few pieces written with a handy helping of Flickr images, this summer has really seen a lull in writing for me. I just read a post on blogging by friend and fellow double bassist Jason Heath and I have to tell you, it woke me up with respect to my own blogging activity. This summer's blog content has been less than amazing because I've been living, well, a less than amazing summer! The evidence really shows when you look at my post where I just took two quizzes. (I'm too ashamed to even send you the link.) Quizzes are great and all, but they're not blog content. I seriously cannot wait until they get bumped off the front page in a post or two.

It's been a very musical summer, book-ended with musicals and filled in with a healthy dose of orchestral playing. I also played a fair share of World of Warcraft, managing to grind exalted with several factions and gear myself up for some better PvP. And while this all meant I was busy during this summer, I can't help but notice that I did not exercise myself creatively in any direction. Where did the fabled music-writing, graffito-spraying, game-programming activities disappear to? Since when was it okay to sit idly while I preoccupied with enjoyable yet meaningless activities?

I don't mean to completely bash what I did this summer. Especially in regards to the music making, I really think it was a productive summer and worth every second of my time. But I now ask, what happened to creativity? To active learning? To pushing the envelope of myself and of the world around me? As the new school year approaches, I still feel empty about my accomplishments so far. I feel like I could be doing... more.

Last night I went swing dancing and I had a great time. But in dancing alone, I noticed that I was not as good as I used to be. My cache of moves is depleted in comparison to the days soon after I took my first rock steps. I was clumsy and thought too much, and I felt a disconnect with more experienced dancers who expected... more. Experimentation fell dead because of a fear for looking silly. Which is silly in itself because I was worried about being judged by strangers. Oh human condition, you perplex me so.

In my recent bouts of thinking, I've seen glimpses of the past in the present, of mistakes that could be made again. It's very easy to fall into that trap, to start believing that you're no better than you were a year ago, and that all your struggles would have been for naught. However, I combat this but constantly reminding myself that I am an ever-changing person, and to think that I am not capable of handling a new challenge is to sign my death warrant.

I must be brave, stand strong. I must, for the very future of my well-being depends on it.