Anger Management Blog

Depression and Anger

Mark Urry — Wed, 16 May 2012 11:27:16 +0000

When I first looked into writing this blog I thought I would right it in third-person perspective as I now specialise in anger, stress and emotional management. But depression and anger was a big part in my life so I will write this as a sufferer of both.

I left school with one GCSE above ‘C’ in art, attended three colleges, a failed year at university and had around 20 different jobs. Then in my early twenties I slipped into depression. I had lost my identity, my self-esteem and confidence were at rock bottom and my life was going nowhere.

Did I think anger played a part in me becoming depressed or compounded the symptoms, no not for one minute. Did I shout and scream or get aggressive, no. Aggressive behaviour is only one end of the spectrum; the other end is passive aggression. Both can have a major impact on individuals’ lives and the people around them. The passive side by it’s nature can be hidden and for some they don’t even know the effect it is having on them. Anger is part of our lives; it’s a natural feeling and it’s only in the way we express it that makes it healthy or unhealthy. When I got angry I felt I didn’t want conflict or confrontation so I held it inside of me. I didn’t have the words of the means to express myself in a healthy way, so I ‘contained’ myself.

I looked to the outside world to help me, which we all need but with low self-esteem I relied on others to make me feel better about myself, rather than take responsibility of my own life and actions. I had needs such as being heard, belonging and to be understood. When these needs were not met I felt frustrated, and part of this was anger. Why couldn’t anyone understand me, why can’t they feel how I do and no I can’t just snap out of it! When I looked below the anger I found hurt and below that fear.My fear is that you (a person, society or the world) won’t meet my unmet needs. This fear drove feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness, three things that defined my depression. We need to meet our own needs and not assume it’s the responsibility of others. Communicate these needs to others; people are not mind readers.

Another aspect of my depression was shame. Healthy shame is an emotional signal to say we have and will make mistakes, it gives us permission to be human. Toxic shame is the belief in the statement ‘ I am fatally flawed’ and I experienced this in the sense of absence and emptiness. Toxic shame is paradoxical and self-generating; there is shame about shame. I needed others to make me feel better about myself but when they did I didn’t believe them, I was in a cycle of suffering. The only way out of toxic shame is to go through it. There are no short cuts and all the avoidances (bypasses and self-anaesthetisation) are ineffective in the long term. I was not even aware this was happening to me and only now I can look back at my life can I understand the part shame played. But embracing my shame would involve emotional pain and pain is what I thought I was avoiding by not looking at it. We need to change our shame from being internalised to externalising it. Healing the shame is simple but difficult. People will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they would admit shame.

I look back at how stress played a part in my depression. Stress is different things to different people. To a mountaineer it is the challenge of going to the limit to achieve a demanding goal. To a homeward bound motorist it can be the hassle of traffic and exhaust fumes. To me it was what finally got me out the bed in the morning to get to work. I suffered by not having too much stress in my life leading to distress, but too little. Hypo-stress is little known and it can be very subtle, but it can be just as harmful as too much stress. I was withdrawn from the world into myself and bored, unmotivated, lethargic, restless and knowing what might help me but could not be bothered to do it. People looking into my world might have seen me as lazy, unsociable and hard to talk to. Stress is an unavoidable part of our lives just as anger is, but it needs to be balanced.

I joined the Royal Navy in 1999 and served twelve years. It started to build the two foundations of emotional health, self-esteem and confidence. My depression still has it’s effect on me now and always will, but having experienced it I feel it has made me a stronger person. Depression is a complex mental health illness and one that is unique as the individual suffering from it. In my personal and professional experience anger and stress are two common themes that run through it and working with them can be a significant factor in promoting recovery.

Externalise your depression, I held onto mine trying to think my way out of it, but that made things worse. Talk to someone and communicate your needs.

Anger & Addiction

Mark Urry — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:28:16 +0000

As an organisation, the British Association of Anger Management has counselled many people when anger has been affecting their lives.

When working with individuals who have had addiction in their lives, we have found that, after the initial rehabilitation process, feelings and emotions come to the surface. If left unaddressed they have the potential to affect lives in unhealthy ways.

One of the strongest of these feelings is anger. In principle this is a neutral feeling but how we express it makes it healthy or unhealthy. Unhealthy anger can be expressed passively by being internalised or externally through aggression.

In our experience there are two main triggers of anger in rehabilitating addicts. These are Primary Needs and self-defence anger.

Primary Needs are something that we require in order to succeed, achieve, or even survive.

When these needs are not met, anger, hurt, and fear are activated. It is at this point that our survival instincts kick in. When an individual responds forcibly with anger, underlying that anger will be strong feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. When we deconstruct the anger we find that below it lies hurt, and underneath that, fear.

The fear is that you (people, a person, or the world) will not meet my unmet needs.

This is a major trigger for anger because our belief is that others are there to meet out needs, even if they do not know that they are.

We need to meet our own needs and not expect or assume or believe that it is the responsibility of others to do so. People are not mind-readers.

In my experience shame is another big source of anger for individuals recovering from an addiction and in particular self-defence anger. This is because when we feel shamed or humiliated we are unable to tolerate these overwhelming feelings and anger becomes the only way to cope.

Healthy shame is an emotional signal that we have made and will make mistakes; it gives us permission to be human.

Toxic shame is no longer an emotional signal of our limits; it becomes a state of being, a core identity.

In toxic shame the self becomes an object of its own contempt that cannot be trusted. It produces a feeling of being isolated and alone. People will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they will admit shame.

We avoid facing our own shame by using behaviour such as anger, resentment and being judgemental. Each of these behaviours focuses on the other person and takes the heat off us.

As long as our shame is hidden there is nothing we can do about it – in order to heal our toxic shame we must embrace it.

We need to change our shame from being internalised to externalising it. The only way out is through.

By acknowledging and accepting our feelings and learning how to express them in a healthy and constructive way is empowering and part of our becoming fully functioning human beings.

by Mark Urry, Director Beating Anger Bath
www.beatingangerbath.co.uk

Introducing Beating Anger Bath

Mark Urry — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 21:26:16 +0000

My name is Mark Urry and I am the director of Beating Anger Bath. I specialise in anger and emotional management and my clinic currently covers the South West and South Wales regions.

My background is the Royal Navy having served 12 years as an aircraft engineer. It was during this time that I experienced the negative effects of unhealthy stress and anger in my life, particularly due to tough working conditions and extended period of separation from my family.

I decided to train as an anger management specialist with the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) because of the effectiveness and the positive effect the course have had not only on my life but also more than 12,000 individuals who have attended courses over the past 14 years

Mike Fisher director of BAAM, author of the bestselling book ‘Beating Anger’ and a leading international authority on anger management has personally trained me to facilitate a variety of courses.

My courses are designed for anyone interested in exploring and understanding their anger, as well as discovering the necessary tools and knowledge to express it in a healthy, constructive and positive way. They are challenging, thought provoking but above all life changing and have positive effects in all aspect of life including increased self-esteem, assertiveness and confidence.

If you are reading this blog because anger is affecting your life in how you express it or maybe you are on the receiving end of someone else’s anger please take a look at my website www.beatinganger.com/bath where you will find information and resources on all aspects of anger and emotions.

If you would to stay in contact you can follow me in a number of ways.

Twitter @AngerinBath
Facebook
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If you would like more information on anything contained within this site or would just like an informal chat on any issue then don’t hesitate in getting in contact.

Phone: 0845 505 4150
Email: mark@beatingangerbath.co.uk

Thanks for reading.