Note: I'll be guest bartending tonight at the Beachwood Inn from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m.

1. Welcome to the World of Motion Sicktures!

2. The news this week from Bloodshot Records, including the 411 on Exene Cervenka's solo project.

3. "Now I walk among these downtrodden of our Tourist Economy," our man on the rail Thomas Chambers writes of River North. "I will reach out to these souls of limited disposable dollars, providing guidance to true neighborhood spots unique to Daley City. Watch locals drown sorrows, and with good food. I'll recruit the microphone preacher from Washington and State, for he'll become our human Green Sheet and spread the word on pace scenarios and false favorites and PolyTrack tendencies. If one should have a need to testify with $2 on a horse, one of His great creatures, as such a man, from Ohio, did last Saturday, we will remain true to our calling and show him the way."

* Exene Cervenka, recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, has finished her solo record for Bloodshot, though she is touring with X this summer.

"It has the passion of X without all the loud," she told her Bloodshot minders.

It's called Somewhere Gone and is scheduled for release in October.

* Bloodshot is hosting parties across the country to celebrate its 15th anniversary. The first was last weekend in Pittsburgh. Chicago will get its party on Sept. 12 at the Hideout (lineup TBA). Some other party dates:

I get the heebie jeebies in River North.

I'm thinking of opening a ministry there, like the Save-a-Soul Mission in Guys and Dolls. My apostles will walk the sidewalks telling the tourists that just because it's bigger - maybe the biggest - it's still just a McDonald's, with higher prices. Don't be tempted by the frog on the roof, and you'll be disappointed that it's not very hard rock. No, there's no gangster museum here anymore. And the chicken-wing girls aren't any different from the ones you have out by your airport.

Now I walk among these downtrodden of our Tourist Economy. I will reach out to these souls of limited disposable dollars, providing guidance to true neighborhood spots unique to Daley City. Watch locals drown sorrows, and with good food. I'll recruit the microphone preacher from Washington and State, for he'll become our human Green Sheet and spread the word on pace scenarios and false favorites and PolyTrack tendencies. If one should have a need to testify with $2 on a horse, one of His great creatures, as such a man, from Ohio, did last Saturday, we will remain true to our calling and show him the way.

This week has been a clusterfuck, and I'm running so far behind that I think time is actually going backwards. Or something like that.

So first a few links, and then I'll let stalwart Beachwood contributors David Rutter and Scott Buckner take over.

Are you ready to trust Manny? Since returning from a drug-related suspension last Friday, Manny Ramirez has gone 4-16 at the plate with two home runs and five RBIs, which isn't bad for a guy who went two months without seeing major league pitching. Since the beginning of his suspension, I have liked the potential for "Man-Ram" to come back and be like Steve Austin with a bat during the second half of the season. Because Manny is so famously loose about nearly everything, I felt he could deal with any stress, boos and (possibly, sadly) syringes that might be tossed his way.

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BREAKING 10:20 A.M.: "Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan is expected to announce today that she'll seek re-election to her current office and bypass bids for governor or U.S. Senate, a source told the Tribune."

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1. "President Obama has developed a curious habit of taking one legal position in his public statements and an altogether contrary position in the courtroom," our very own Sam Singer writes in Obama's Justice.

I'm not so sure I want to quit my job anymore. I still hate it, but where else does a world-famous rock group's order get botched, a jerk of a has-been actor sit at one of my tables, and an aggrieved aged customer old fling food at me all in the same week?

President Obama has developed a curious habit of taking one legal position in his public statements and an altogether contrary position in the courtroom. To be fair, it is his Justice Department doing the talking in court, but that's a bureaucratic formality, right?

It depends on who you ask. The White House has stressed that with rare exceptions, the Justice Department must defend all validly enacted laws, not just the ones favored by the sitting administration. As a result, Justice Department legal opinions won't always represent those of the President.

Civil rights advocates see things differently. They take issue not with the president's statement of the Justice Department policy but with his understatement of its exceptions. Some insist the president is selling himself short, that he's got more say at Justice than he allows for. Less charitable dissenters believe the president is trying to convince the public that his hands are tied when in reality they're just a bit full.

A loyal Beachwood reader writes:

"This has to be the most craven bit of writing I've seen from an
academic in a long time:

My lowly status as a security guard finally became very clear on a recent Tuesday night. A cleaning crew had starting waxing my store's floor. That did not deter a customer from requesting a lighter. The man wore a black jacket and black pants. His right eye sported a red shade. The other had a bluish tint. His breath reeked of hard liquor.

I told him no one could not get to the lighters because of the wax job. He left, but returned 15 minutes later. I repeated my earlier message. He walked out of the store and called the cops on me. Three squad cars rolled up. I explained the situation to an officer, who simply nodded and left.

The idea that a bum could call the cops on me made two managers laugh at my expense.

Such is my life in the current economic downturn. While completing college years ago, I wrote a short story about a hapless security guard. One liberal arts degree and a layoff later, I am a hapless security guard. Or what my father once derisively called a "door shaker."

While "Billie Jean" is probably Michael Jackson's landmark song, and Thriller his landmark record, "Man in the Mirror" has an intimate, autobiographical yet universal quality about it that marks as an anthem of sorts and an appeal of the sort Jackson rarely made; let's just say few of his songs had a "message." And while the song annoys quite a few people I know, it's always secretly been a favorite of mine. While the dance-funk-soul of Off The Wall was probably Jackson at his Michael Jackson-y best, this song, too, I think represents something about him. I was surprised, however, to learn that, like many of his songs, he didn't write it.

The Cubs have gathered themselves, haven't they? And now they are surging forward. Of course you can't be sure this will last, but the starting pitching, the key in baseball every time, has settled into a groove of late and it therefore isn't even a little surprising the North Siders are on a roll. It helps that they are in the midst of a long homestand, no doubt. But still . . . this is a team that could very well run away and hide atop the Central Division in the second half of the season. And if they do pull that off, I hope folks will remember how grim it was in June, when the team was struggling desperately to stay at .500 and everyone was just hoping they wouldn't fade away. Now the division is clearly up for grabs. The Astros for goodness sakes, who struggled mightily out of the gate, have rallied back into contention.

What does access get traditional sportswriters?

Like most other beats, not much.

Reporting isn't about the opportunity to write down what people say. Anyone can do that.

It's not hard to move with the pack in a locker room and record the content-free mumblings of professional athletes. I know, I've done it.

And whatever insights access does deliver to sportswriters rarely makes its way to the public, so what's the point?

As Chicago sports fans get fed their steady diet of the Big 5, otherwise known as the Bears, Cubs, White Sox, Bulls, and Blackhawks, the dustup surrounding David J. Hernandez and the alleged Ponzi scheme surrounding Chicagosportswebio.com proves once again how journalism is seldom practiced in sports.

The most basic technique for a reporter - a check of newspaper archives - would have shown to Mike North, Dan Jiggets, Chet Coppock & The Gang that yes, indeedy, Mr. Hernandez and his business plan was too good to be true.

It's about time Uncle Lou finally decided to manage this team again instead of slipping into early retirement right before our eyes. But what finally pushed him over the edge? We've got some ideas.

* He took a look at his tanking 401(k) and realized he really needs that Manager of the Year bonus money to buy his dream boat and stock it with Falstaff.

* His old lady gave him what-for after he failed to phone home right away upon arriving in Pittsburgh last week, so he took it out on Alfonso Soriano.

* The clubhouse guy was really giving it to Lou after having to re-size Lou's jersey once again for his ever expanding gut, so he took it out on Alfonso Soriano.

* He just awoke from a bad dream in which his starting outfield was Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, and Milton Bradley.

* The University of Illinois called and demanded that Sam Fuld be admitted to the lineup.