Market Update
Snack futures took a beating this week, with miserable earnings reported on stocks of both salsa and chips. Meanwhile, the long-term strategic partnership between Beer and Pork looks likely to fizzle on the global market.

So now comes this.

"In a scathing report released Thursday, federal authorities said that a culture exists at Cook County Jail in which inmates are systematically beaten by guards and medical care is so substandard that some inmates have died," the Tribune reports.

2. Did you hear about the British woman who wore her bra for four hours before realizing it had a bat inside it? She thought that fluttery feeling was her mobile phone vibrating. Not to be outdone, the Today Show's Kathy Lee Gifford was positively gleeful about the Wine Rack, a bra that conceals a plastic pouch and straw for sipping brewskis, (and, presumably, comes with a paper bag to slip over your head.)

Yes, the devil is deceiving. But who would've thought he'd use the most beloved media mogul of our time - the queen of feel-good talk - Oprah Winfrey, as a tool.

For Pastor Bill Keller, the world's leading Internet evangelist and founder of LivePrayer.com, there is no mistaking the danger of Winfrey's submersion in and preaching of New Age theologies. According to Keller and many other evangelical Christians, it is a misguided path to hell, and far too many people are now walking it thanks to her.

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OWN A 'GREEN' PIECE OF LAS VEGAS
LAS VEGAS, NV - June 10, 2008 - The Enchantment Way Development will be a unique and fascinating gated community of luxury homes. The plan outlined reflects the creation of eight luxury homes on five (5) acres in the highly sought and quickly developing Southwest valley of Las Vegas, each designed with the most forward-thinking and innovative "green" building techniques of today and tomorrow. With views of the Las Vegas Strip, Red Rock, Southern Highlands, and the entire east valley; these estate homes, each on 1/2 acre, will fill a void not filled by any other development in the Las Vegas valley. The Enchantment Way will be the most unique offering in the history of the Las Vegas valley, available as a ground-breaking fractional ownership development.

For all I know, Jody Weis is a total fuck-up, but I really want to tell everybody to lay off the guy - and it's not like I was a big fan of his hiring.

Instead, I'd like to ask Ike Carothers and his fellow city council weasels where they've been all these years.

For example, on April 25, Sun-Times Cubs writer Gordon Wittenmyer wrote:

"Sure, Alfonso Soriano should hit deeper in the order when he returns from the disabled list next week. But as long as Kosuke Fukudome keeps producing the way he is in the No. 5 spot and the guys right behind him continue to reach base the way they are, then Soriano essentially becomes a middle-of-the-order hitter in the leadoff hole after the first inning anyway."

Nonsense!

Players also aren't immune to this failed line of thinking. On June 10, Orlando Cabrera said: "You basically lead off only time a game, so it's just one at-bat."

Baloney!

Here's where they and their ilk are wrong.

1. Is everything really gonna be alright?

2. Is it really better to burn out than fade away?

3. Is a dream a lie that don't come true, or is it something worse?

That point was driven home last night with "the biggest collection" of All-Stars in the game's history gathered on one field. Some of these guys I didn't even know were still alive. Ralph Kiner! Whitey Ford! And you forget that legends like Willie Mays are still around.

I thought it was a pretty emotional moment when they went through the introductions of these guys, paired with the current players at each position. I love baseball.

Washington, D.C. - July 15, 2008 - In a groundbreaking joint effort by the nation's fastest growing union and trade associations representing merchants, the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), Food Marketing Institute (FMI), National Association of Convenience Stores (NACS), and the National Grocers Association (N.G.A.) sent a letter to every Member of the House of Representatives today calling on Congress to stop the nation's biggest banks and credit card companies from continuing abusive practices which harm American consumers and businesses. The groups jointly urged Congressional action to pass the Credit Cardholders' Bill of Rights Act of 2008 (H.R. 5244), the Credit Card Fair Fee Act (H.R. 5546 and S. 3086), and the Credit Card Interchange Fees Act of 2008 (H.R. 6248).

"The biggest banks have put working families and the economy on a rollercoaster - but regulators aren't paying enough attention to make sure it doesn't go off the track," said Stephen Lerner, Director of the SEIU Private Equity Project. "Lawmakers and regulators have to act before the fees and bad practices hurting consumers derail the economy altogether."

It's one of life's most overwhelming challenges - tthe death and infirmity of one's parents. Grueling as it is, adult children everywhere are faced daily with the unexpected daunting task of dividing their parents' estate contents, clearing out the family home and tying up the loose ends of countless other tasks. And worse yet, all this often leaves them unprepared for the inevitable family fights over "stuff."

The Estate Lady®, Julie Hall, is available to provide solutions right now, at a time when the nation's largest generation - the baby boomer gen - is coming into this age of sudden caretaker.

Julie is an expert in personal property, specializing in the dissolution of estates, who works closely with the Boomers and their parents, making sure everyone is on the same page at the same time, minimizing strife and hasty decisions when in the midst of a crisis.

New this edition: Fun facts about Macy Gray, the Scorpions, KISS and more!

1. Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" was never released as a single.

2. Early in his career, the Rolling Stones' Brian Jones performed as Elmo Lewis.

3. Cat Stevens went to Catholic school.

The promotion of Gerry Kern to replace her is a surprise. Howard Kurtz gets it right when he reports that "Journalists who have dealt with Kern call him a solid but unremarkable editor who was shuffled to the corporate side after losing internal competitions and spearheaded the idea of measuring the productivity of Tribune papers and their staffs."

Simultaneously in first place at the All-Star break for the second time in 70-plus years of All-Star breaks, these teams are killing local sports talk (over-the-air and online) franchises. There has been a precipitous drop in submissions to these forums, what with so few "the coach/manager is an idiot" assertions in the air (fortunately Bears training camp is only a month away and they sucked last year, right? Why does Lovie still have a job?). There is even a distinct lack of "of course they should trade the bum" choruses (although there are plenty of loud, individual voices).

Fortunately, we've had a little extra time this week to come up with a comprehensive list of sort-of solutions for what almost ails the Cubs and Sox.