Beating Anger - Anger Management blogs

Wish you were here

Paula Backen — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Every month I facilitate a three day programme which changes lives. The people who have attended send me emails, call me, and write testimonials about the different ways they are experiencing their emotions and the resultant behaviours after the weekend. Of course it's not an instant miracle solution - there needs to be some hard work by each person to integrate the new ideas into their lives. For some people that's a few months, and for others it's a life-time work.

In recovery

A bit like recovering from an addiction of any kind, or changing a life-time pattern of behaviour, there are new strategies to learn. For example, recognising the sources of your anger, seeing them coming along and understanding their meaning before you react. Appreciating that anger is there to protect you, as a safety mechanism. Understanding the effects of stress on your potential for unhealthy anger.

Then there's learning new ways to express your emotions. A new vocabulary that ensures those around you really understand how you are feeling and how an incident has affected you. There's a conflict resolution tool, to ensure you don't avoid confrontations, and chose your moments for resolving issues both at work and at home.

And much much more.

"Wish I'd learned this stuff years ago!"

I have heard this so often now, I've stopped counting. People who are recovering from failed marriages, are in the process of court cases around child access, are looking for new employment.

We don't blame anyone who didn't know this stuff years ago - we get most of our behaviour patterns from our parents or peers, and they got them from their parents or peers and so it goes on.

So will you be there?

Next course starts Good Friday 10am. Finishes Easter Sunday 4pm. Have a place for you, and probably a price to suit your pocket. Come and join us. For a life changing experience.

Anger Management Specialist Takes Care of Trauma

Julian Hall — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 13:30:52 +0000

Beating Anger Derby has started offering trauma therapy to Derby and the surrounding area. Julian Hall of Beating Anger Derby said “a large proportion of our clients suffer from deep trauma in their lives. This is not the whole cause of their anger but is a key part of the work they need to address. For a long time we have referred these clients on to other therapists but now we are able to offer it in house.”

Trauma can affect everyone and covers a wide spectrum of events that are out of our control. In brief it is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. It can be an emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury. It can be a physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis. Classic traumas are life threatening events, molestation, abuse and rape. If you have not suffered any of those it does not mean that you have not been traumatised. The pace of change in life in general and they way issues such as divorce and separation are dealt with can lead to individuals feeling traumatised.

Julian says “we wanted to offer this service to our clients because of the high levels of trauma we are observing. This is not just for people suffering with their anger. Anyone who has suffered trauma can contact us for help.”

Trauma which is not dealt with and processed can lead to a number of issues such as irrational fears, hyper vigilance, nightmares and emotional shut down. These can all be signals that someone has unprocessed trauma that needs dealing with.

Classically, soldiers can suffer post traumatic stress disorder as result of the events they have either experienced or witnessed. PTSD as it is known actually affects 30% of people involved in any trauma. It affects around 5% of men and 10% of women. You do not need to have been to war to experience it.

Julian adds”a lot of people who have been traumatised suffer a great deal of unhappiness which is unnecessary. They just need to get the right support. That’s why we decide to offer this so close to the centre of derby.”

I really like this work

Paula Backen — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Variety

I have a chequered career in terms of variety. I've worked in catering, agriculture, laundries, retail, hospitals and a techi company to name just a few! I've also lived in many places, both abroad and in the UK.

And I have generally only stayed in a job while I was enjoying it, so not many regrets and lots of really great experiences.

Enjoy

But this work with BAAM beats many of them. I really enjoy feeling I am doing something that has a benefit to other people. I really love understanding and learning more every day, from the people I meet and the training I do.

Making a difference

Yesterday I thought about this a lot. The programme material we deliver seems to open eyes and help clients look at the world afresh. All sorts of people.

Yes, our programmes are not just for people desperate to sort their unhealthy anger. Our programme material is valued by experienced counsellors who want to learn more about themselves, by senior managers who want to get better at dealing with tough conversations, and by parents who want to help their children express their emotions.

So I hope you will think differently about anger management - it's emotional management training for everyone, and everyone benefits. And I also hope you will get in touch sometime with your experiences of anger.

Angry Teens or should that be Tweens?

Linda Bolland — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:27:14 +0000

Here's an article I've just written, featured in YourDocMedical.co.uk

Having just attended a one day workshop on the Challenges of Teenagers, I’m keenly reminded of the difficult position this age group occupies. Caught in the middle of Childhood and Adulthood, this age group, which can begin as early as 9 and go on somewhere past 19+, is in the insecure position of ‘transition’. The brain and body is undergoing a rapid period of growth, rivalled only by the early stages of infancy and toddlerhood. Indeed theorists call this period the ‘second individuation’, the first being when a toddler begins to assert his/her independence from parents both physically and wilfully.

Individuation
As we know this is exactly what a young person must do in order to develop into a fully fledged adult in life. Move away from Mum and Dad, Care Home or Foster Parents in order to become independent. But what are the conditions from which this independence must form?

Research has shown that the seeds for successful independence are sown in the first individuation or toddler stage of life. If a child is praised and rewarded for their newfound freedom to choose and act independently their esteem is boosted and they feel pleased with their accomplishments. However, if they are chastised and shamed for their independent ways, they internalise these negative messages and feelings into what is known as the ‘Shadow’.

Carl Jung describes the ‘shadow’ as the negative criticisms and shames, which we hide, deny and repress as teenagers and adults. (Reference and further reading) The shadow then becomes a source of our anger, especially at others, who mirror the behaviours we were shamed and criticised for. We project our anger onto the person rather than the behaviour itself. Parents do this to children, who mirror the parent’s behaviour. The child is reflecting back what has been modelled for them. However, this is denied by the parent, who projects anger onto the child for ‘showing them up’. Thus a child begins to suffer from shame, which has been thrust upon them.

Shame versus Anger
Healthy shame, which says, I’m human and I’ve made a mistake’ can over time become ‘toxic shame’, which says ‘I am a mistake’. A teenager, who is suffering from toxic shame, will be experienced as very defensive and prickly, easily triggered to anger appearing to have ‘a chip on their shoulder’. Anger becomes a defense, because anger is easier to express than shame. Toxic shame is a wounding of the soul. Healing is possible through methods of externalising the internal shame.
Equally, a teenager can project their shadows onto others, criticising and blaming that which they deny exists within them. Again, becoming angry at the symptoms they see in others rather than the cause in themselves.

• To bring a shadow into the light, ask a teenager to write down three things they hate about others. When they have done this ask them to write down three things they hate about themselves. Now ask them to compare the two lists, inevitably they will spot a shadow, or behaviour which is the same on both lists. By recognising and openly admitting their shadow behaviour, they can learn to own it and do something about it, rather than blaming others for their own cause of anger and shame.

The Unmet Primary Need
Another source of anger in the ‘tween’ is the Unmet Primary Need. Human beings need to thrive not merely survive in this world. Survival is accomplished by eating, sleeping, drinking, breathing and excreting for example. Indeed our survival instincts keep us alive. However, our emotional and psychological needs must be met in order to thrive. To be valued, heard, listened to, acknowledged, appreciated and respected are just some of our Primary needs. This in an ongoing list, which is valid and necessary to feel loved and happy. When a primary need is not met, we feel fear and hurt, but this is quickly replaced by anger. Anger can be a gift in this instance, as it shows us where a need is not being met. Anger also shows us that something is not right. As adults we are responsible to meet our own needs, a teenager needs to learn how to do this for him/herself. When many Primary needs were not met as children, this will have an effect on the emergent transitioning teenager. A supportive adult can help by listening to the teenager and asking about their concerns in a non-judgemental manner. Listen for their fears and encourage open dialogue to enable them to learn to meet their own needs. When a teenager has identified an unmet need, ask him/her how they can get this need met? Encourage them to think ‘outside the box’ and use any resources that are available to them. Learning to meet one’s own needs is the key to successful adulthood. Learning the source of one’s anger is one of the keys to emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence and Regressive Anger
Emotional intelligence is evident when one learns to communicate their feelings assertively without shaming or blaming others. Taking responsibility for their own feelings is another task of the emergent teenager. This is done most successfully when we stay in the present with our anger. This becomes impossible when our anger is connected to an unresolved issue from the past, which can be ten minutes or ten years ago! This is called regressive anger, when the source of our anger is not what just occurred, but is actually connected to something in the past. We know we have historical anger when our behaviour reverts to the ‘temper tantrum’ stage of toddlerhood. We begin to ‘throw our toys out of the pram’. Regressive anger is powerful and with the added pressure of hormonal changes, the teenager is certainly prone to powerful bouts of regressive anger. Regressive anger indicates that our psyche is trying to gain closure on a past event. It is therefore essential to assist the teenager in ‘giving their inner child a voice’ in relation to past conflicts, meaning allowing them express what they needed to say to previous adults or individuals at the time of the conflict or trauma. By silencing their feelings at that time, which was probably connected to the fact that they felt unsafe to express their feelings, the areas of trauma and conflict have been unresolved within them and therefore is now a source of anger and pain. Giving the inner child a voice can be done by letter or by proxy to a supportive adult in the present, even if the person who was involved in the conflict is no longer available. This is the preferred method as the pain and resolution can be witnessed by another, which helps with the healing process.

This expression is necessary for both the exploder (aggressive) and imploder (passive aggressive) anger expression. Passive aggressive anger is internalised and is therefore more harmful for the individual who stores anger and has difficulty expressing it. The connection between anger and self –harming behaviour is close. Teaching a teen to express anger appropriately is giving them the ability to deal with conflict in a way which is safe for themselves as well as others.

Conclusion
Quite clearly transitioning from child to adult is an enormous task, which many achieve successfully, however it is essential for the teenager to learn how to manage feelings and behaviours which result from strong feelings, such as anger, in order to complete this task safely and with the least amount of disruption as possible. May we as professionals and caring adults provide the support and information necessary to help assist in this process.

References
Fisher, Mike (2005) Beating Anger (pg 56). Rider Publications

Author
Linda Bolland is the Director, Beating Anger Guildford/ The British Association of Anger Management (biography needed)

Linda Bolland is a Qualified Youth Worker and Anger Management Specialist. She has worked with groups and individuals for the past 17 years in Hampshire, London and West Sussex. Her work has been conducted in schools, prisons and private settings. She is also a trainer for the British Association of Anger Management. She is the Director of Beating Anger Guildford, through which she is available for consultation and Specialist.

IS SMACKING CHILDREN AN EFFECTIVE FORM OF DISCIPLINE?

Julian Hall — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:11:32 +0000

Coronation Street hit the headlines this week when Owen Armstrong smacked his stepdaughter in Monday night’s episode.

Smacking children has always been a controversial and emotive subject. MP John Cumming was quoted as saying that it is better that a child is disciplined than to grow up ‘untamed’. I believe that there are far more effective ways of disciplining a child.

All children need clear boundaries and positive parenting ensures that children are clear about what constitutes acceptable behaviour at every stage of their development. At every age, from toddler through to teenager, children will push their parents and carers to the limit, but this is designed to test the boundaries, and clear boundaries and consistent sanctions actually help children feel safe; a teenager pushing to stay out late at a party may actually be looking for their parent to say no in order to avoid losing face with their peers by admitting they don’t want to GO.

Smacking a child, on the other hand, is an abuse of parental power on every level, especially if smacking in anger. This is both physically abusive and also shows a complete loss of control, which is frightening for children. Smacking also perpetuates violent behaviour in children – a very negative example of role modelling.

Beating Anger Derby has developed a programme called Powerful Parenting which helps equip parents with practical tips for positive parenting, putting them back in the driving seat.

Stressful January Linked to Increased Anger and Health Issues in Women

Mike Fisher — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 13:55:59 +0000

Let’s be honest, the prospect of returning to work after Christmas is unlikely to fill you with anything other than dread. In fact, when you team wet and windy weather conditions with heightened workload, increased demand for performance and practically no job security – it is no surprise that January is identified as the most stressful time of the year.

Recent statistics produced by the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) have found that the extra stresses of the season are having particuarly detrimental effects on the UK’s female workforce.

The survey concluded that stress in women has increased dramatically with 80% of women feeling unsupported, over-worked and insecure in their positions. Worringly, these increased stress levels have resulted in feelings of depression in 60% of cases and anger issues in 43%.

These peturbing statistics raise the question – is the workplace ill-equipped to deal with the needs of women and is this lack of empathy for the female workforce creating the increased stress which leads to depression and anger?

Mike Fisher, BAAM’s Founder, highlights the dramatic increase of females suffering from anger and health problems that are linked to stress at work:

“Our client base is approximately 40% female and we see the effects every day of stress and depression. The health effects are serious”.

Of the female respondents to the survey many reported feeling increased tension, negative changes in personality and hyper-sensitivity to colleagues, partners and other family members. Almost half of all surveyed claimed that the stresses of work had caused them to feel depressed and to increase their alcohol intake significantly. Even more concerning is the number of respondents who admitted to having experienced chest pains as a result of their heightened stress levels.

With nowhere to turn stressed out workers are bottling up their feelings causing them to lash out the people who love them the most.

Julian Hall, Director of the Derby Clinic, says:

“What these stats show is that an individual’s ability to deal with stress in the workplace is directly linked to their motivation, productivity and their health. What we know from our core client group is that since they are unable to express this at work they end up taking it home with them and acting it out on their families. An employer with foresight will place this at the core of their employee well-being strategy”

With the UK at risk of facing a “double-dip” recession and very little being done by employers to deal with the health of their staff, things are looking particularly bleak for our nation’s workforce and in particular, our women.

BAAM Blasts into its Annual National Anger Awareness Week - 1st - 7th December, 2011

Mike Fisher — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:30:19 +0000

If Christmas leaves you feeling pricklier than a holly bush, then help is at hand! The British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) is once again helping you have a calm Christmas and beat seasonal stress with its annual Anger Awareness Week, taking place nationwide from December 1-7, 2011.

BAAM has promoted its annual National Anger Awareness Week in the UK since 2000 and has, to date, helped over 14,000 people deal with their anger and stress. During the week’s activities, BAAM will offer information packs, courses and programmes designed to take the crunch out of Christmas. On its site BAAM offers a downloadable ‘Keep Your Cool Kit’, which can be used in the home or workplace to help deal with conflict. This year they have gone further to help you. With their 12 Tips for Christmas you can defuse those all-too-predictable seasonal rows with family, friends and colleagues.

Besides National Anger Awareness Week, Beating Anger – Anger Management BA-AM (the training arm of BAAM) runs various programmes throughout the year, delivered as long weekend sessions or a series of workshops and seminars spanning 10 weeks. Beating Anger – Anger Management has experienced facilitators across the country delivering probably the best Anger Management programmes in Europe to people of all ages and professions.

Mike Fisher says: “With National Anger Awareness Week, we specifically targeted the festive season because we know that so many people hurt each other with their anger at this time of year. If this is not dealt with then couples carry their stress through to the New Year which is why January is so busy for divorce lawyers. We are in the middle of a recession yet the pressure to purchase the latest toys and gadgets is still there. Whatever gets you angry, the likelihood is it will be magnified at Christmas. We give people proven techniques to manage their own anger and enable them to have a calm Christmas.”

Notes for editors

Beating Anger Facilitators can provide expert comment on diverse topics, including: anger in the workplace, road rage, anger in schools, parental/child anger, female anger, air rage and dealing with your angry partner.

The organisation has worked with over 15,000 people, including many international celebrities, and currently receives on average 10,000 plus website visits per month.

About the British Association of Anger Management / Beating Anger – Anger Management (nationwide clinic’s)

BAAM was established in 1999 in the UK. It is recognised by the NHS, BUPA, court authorities and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Its services are available to anyone who is dealing with their own or another person's anger. It has worked with over 15,000 people, from the unemployed to the high profile, including many international celebrities. It operates Beating Anger clinics across the UK.

BAAM’s Mike Fisher is a renowned anger ‘guru’ and author of the popular book, ‘Beating Anger’, with 65,000 copies sold since its launch in London 2005. Mr Fisher was the specialist on BBC’s ‘Can’t Stop Losing My Cool’ programme about angry people, and has been a regular guest on radio and TV slots discussing anger and stress management.   Mike Fisher also works at the London Anger and Stress Clinic - a subsidiary of BAAM which specialises in working with children and young people.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION PLEASE CONTACT 
Mike Fisher, British Association of Anger Management 

Contact Us: British Association of Anger Management / Beating Anger – Anger Management
Call: 0345 1300 286
Email: info@beatinganger.com
w ww.beatinganger.com

Enough is Enough – Calling Time on Anger

Mike Fisher — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 12:30:49 +0000

PRESS RELEASE

Anger is considered by many to be the scourge of the 21st Century – with over-stressed, time-hungry lives and increasing expectations leading the average person to fly into a rage four times a day.

But one anger management expert is not only helping to call time on fiery tempers, he’s also offering crucial help to the victims of anger, thanks to a series of innovative workshops being launched across the country.

The British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) and their nationwide Beating Anger Clinics have just launched the End of the Line – Enough is Enough courses in several cities including Newcastle, Edinburgh, Leeds, Liverpool, Manchester, London and Brighton.

The one day courses help men and women who are living with angry abusers learn coping strategies and a greater understanding of the situation they are dealing with.

They are aimed at real people like Alison *, who lived 18 years with a verbally and emotionally abusive husband before finally having the strength to leave the volatile relationship after he turned his aggression on their teenage daughter.

As Alison explained: “Seeing my husband go for my daughter made me finally realise that I had to get out of my marriage – ironically up to that point I had stayed thinking it was the best thing to do for the children.

“But it was by going on the course that I finally started to make some sense of the emotional chaos and abuse I had been living in for years, which in turn helped me to gain back some control of my life.”

One of the country’s leading anger Guru Mike Fisher explained that victims of anger and emotional abuse are all too often over-looked, with specialist help mainly being targeted at the person creating the problem.

He said: “Anger is very much a part of our society now as is so regularly demonstrated – from motorists losing control on the roads and rival football fans clashing to individuals struggling to deal with day to day stresses.

“Recently one Cardiff woman even smashed up her local bakery, causing hundreds of pounds worth of damage after they sold out of her favourite cupcakes.

“While anger itself is a normal process that has allowed humans to evolve and adapt, if it is not managed and controlled, major problems can occur, as in Alison’s case.

“For the first time these new workshops are targeted at the victims of anger, or survivors as we prefer to call them – helping people to recognise the core mechanics of the abuser's agenda, how they themselves comply with it, and most importantly help them to choose a way forward.” These programmes will be delivered by highly trained anger experts from the Beating Anger clinics nationwide.

The one day workshops will investigate subjects such as the drama triangle, power and control, traumatic bonding, self esteem, setting healthy boundaries and resolving conflict.

They are being held in a variety of locations across the country including ones in Newcastle, Leeds, Liverpool, Manchester, Derby, Birmingham, Worcester, Bath, Oxford, Colchester, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Bromley, Harrow, London, Guildford, Brighton, East Grinstead and Portsmouth.

Anyone wanting any more information about the workshops can contact

The British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) on 0845 1300 286 or email: info@beatinganger.com

*Alison is not her real name – it has been changed to protect her identity

CASE STUDY:

When Alison married her teenage sweetheart at the age of 19 she thought life couldn’t get much better.

However the rosy glow of being a newly-wed soon evaporated when she started to become the victim of her husband’s sporadic outbursts.

Alison explained that there didn’t appear to be a trigger as such for the verbal abuse, such as the dinner not being made or the house being untidy. Instead he would just suddenly erupt at something Alison would say.

However as her husband maintained the veneer of being a laid back, gentle man outside the home and constantly accused Alison as being the cause of his temper, Alison’s confidence began to erode and she stayed on, trying to look at ways of keeping her husband calm.

Alison said: “The hardest part was that I couldn’t really talk to anyone – all our friends and family thought my husband was such a gentle man and had no idea of the man that lived behind closed doors.”

As Alison struggled to keep things together, the couple went on to have three children. But further cracks started to appear in their relationship and the verbal abuse became more frequent and the behaviour increasingly more controlling.

Alison added: “Again there didn’t appear to be any obvious triggers and after the rage had stopped he would always say it was me who had caused it, before collapsing in a heap and apologising, adding that it wouldn’t happen again.”

Sadly it was a promise that he repeatedly broke, but Alison felt trapped and unable to leave – grounded by the thought that she must keep her family together for the sake of the children.

Alison added: “Obviously everyone I talked to thought he was such a gentle man too and would quickly dismiss anything I had to say and tell me that I should stay with him and try to work things out – that it was the right thing to do.”

Years of walking on egg shells and appeasement followed, with Alison regularly suffering bouts of depression and her health started to decline too.

Alison added: “I tried to keep as much as I could from the children, but I later found out that during his outbursts they would hide under their beds until it was all over.”

After nine years, Alison finally managed to persuade her husband to go to marriage guidance classes with her, but in hindsight she admits that is was a “papering over the cracks” exercise.

She added: “I didn’t really focus enough on the abusive part of our marriage in those classes and whilst on the surface things improved for a while and we went on to have another baby, soon the problems started to reappear.

Like many abused people, Alison started to feel withdrawn from life, losing her confidence and social skills and at times feeling depressed and trapped.

Those problems continued until one day last year when her husband went for her teenage daughter as she left the house.

Alison said: “We all weren’t ready to leave and my daughter said she wanted to walk on ahead. This led to a disagreement between her and my husband and he suddenly erupted, screaming and shouting at her outside the house.

“I was horrified and I think it was the first time the extent of his problem really hit home to me. I will never forget the fear in my daughter’s eyes and something snapped in me.”

After repeated attempts to get her husband to seek help for his anger failed, Alison finally asked him to leave the family home.

Then in the summer a friend of Alison’s noticed an article in a national newspaper about the BAAM courses that were being piloted for people that had suffered because of anger.

Alison added: “It was a year after my husband and I had separated and if I’m honest I couldn’t have done it any sooner, but I am so glad I did. I guess I needed to try to make some sense of everything that had happened and why my husband had been so angry.

“Going on the course gave me such a fresh insight into my life and the way I had been living for years – I essentially sacrificed what was me, including all my thoughts and feelings, to devote my life to appeasing my abusive husband and trying to stop his outbursts.

“It was so helpful to hear of other people in similar situations which reinforced the fact that it wasn’t my fault and that my husband’s behaviour was neither normal nor acceptable.

“I never thought that I would be a single mum with four children but I now realise that I stayed in my marriage for too long, believing it was the best thing for my children.

“Hopefully now though we all have a new fresh start without living day by day in fear.”

Notes to editors:

Information about those suffering from the effects of other peoples anger
http://www.beatinganger.com/survivors
Mike Fisher, the ‘brains behind BAAM’ has worked with over 14,000 people in 14 years, trained 166 students to a Diploma standard and has over 24 years of experience in the field of human potential and personal growth.

Mike is known as the leading guru and expert in the field of anger management in the UK and has contributed to hundreds of radio interviews, magazine and newspaper articles and many television documentaries including ‘NASTY BOSSES’ BBC3, ‘THE ANGRIEST MEN IN BRITAIN’ 2002 - ITV1 Landmark Films, 'ANGRY BRITAIN' 2004 - Landmark Films, 'LOSING IT' BBC3, 'VIOLENT FATHERS with Kilroy Silk' BBC3, 'BEAT IT: ANGRY WITH MY FATHER' 2006 Landmark Films.

Mike´s book Beating Anger published in 2005 has sold well over 65,000 copies and his new book Mindfulness and the Art of Managing Anger will be published by Leaping Hare Press in April 2012.

Can We End Suffering Early?

Julian Hall — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 12:19:02 +0000

I want to use this blog to announce a new course that has been developed by Beating Anger Derby in association with the British Association of Anger Management. It has taken almost a year, a lot of research, two pilot courses and 8 people 2 days of work consolidating the feedback.

Why a New Course?

This came out of a meeting almost a year ago where we identified that there was a pattern of contact developing with our angry clients. The pattern was one of enquiry but not committing until it was almost too late. Its is described in another blog called Danny’s (or Dannielle’s) Story. In the meeting we discussed how we would like to help people before they got to the stage where it was too late. Dealing with the anger in a relationship can heal it and we want to help people.

We already knew that by delivering our Anger Management Training we were helping more than just the person who came to us for help. We help the family that they live with. More to the point, we realised that if we let the pattern of contact but no commitment to change continue we were guilty of helping to prolong the pain for a lot of people. So we committed to do our part and the concept of the End of the Line was born.

The original concept was to run a course that highlighted to those that live with an angry partner that they have choice. Their choices may be limited and difficult but they have choice. As we researched the subject and spoke to those in angry relationships we quickly realised that there was a whole group of people choosing to stay in emotionally and verbally abusive relationships because they believed their partner would change. In fact these people research and look for anything that may help them “fix” the person they live with so that the relationship may go back to how it was when they fell in love.

It was at this point that we realised we have a duty of care. We have a duty to -

Educate and inform.
Deliver the tools you need to make a decision
Deliver essential coping strategies and techniques that will support you if your choice is to stay in the relationship.

We have always known that our core client group are in a lot of emotional pain. What we realised as we met those on the other side of it is there is a whole section of the population experiencing more pain, undermining of self esteem and daily fear. We always knew this intuitively but the research hammered it home to us.

It is at this point that I would like to pay tribute to the people who came on our pilot courses in East Grinstead and Birmingham and who gave us their views. We were amazed at how generous people were in their feedback. Some took the time to sit down and write two pages or more of comments. That is how much they care. We hope we do them justice.

So, a year later, a lot research done and we are ready to start helping those suffering in the relationships with the angry. We are ready to help those being damaged by the damaged.

If you live with an angry person then have look at The End of the Line. We could save you a whole lot more pain.

Does getting rid of my anger remove an essential part of me?

Julian Hall — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 08:07:39 +0000

This subject was brought to mind when an article on anger in sports was run on BBC TV last Saturday (25^th August). Essentially England’s Rugby team coach was saying anger in sport is not good. The journalists were asking whether a certain amount of anger and aggression is necessary in sport.

What they were really saying was “does removing my anger take away the secret of my success?” This is a question that hangs in the mind of a lot of my clients.

Lets deal with sport first. There are sports where controlled aggression is important. Sports such as Boxing and Rugby spring to mind. Even when I watch Tennis I see aggression on the court as Andy Murray clenches his fist when he wins a crucial point. That, however, is all part of the sport psychology and is well controlled. Even when John McEnroe was famously losing his temper it was all part of the way he controlled the game and his opposing players timing.

Before I go any further lets remember that a crucial part of anger is Stress and the physical components of stress are adrenaline and cortisone. The combination of these two hormones, which are produced as part of the body’s Fight, Flight or Freeze mechanism, speed up thinking times and physical responses. So a certain amount of stress will produce a better sprint performance from Usain Bolt and will sharpen up the reflexes of a title contending boxer. Again, this is part of controlled aggression.

So, controlled aggression and controlled stress in certain amounts are ok. What happens when they spill into anger?

Very simply if a sportsman is angry he/she will make mistakes. Anger gives you tunnel vision. This is why one of our rules of Anger Management is “Stop, Think, Look at the Big Picture.” As one commentator said “an angry boxer is the easiest one to hit!” In other words it impedes your game. It takes away your focus, saps your energy and ruins your chances.

That’s sport dealt with in a few paragraphs. Is business, is my career and is my life any different? Let’s look.

For example, one of my clients is hugely successful by a lot of people’s standards. He is a millionaire several times over. He has a beautiful large designer house, several expensive cars, a holiday home and a huge motor yacht. His business was started and driven by anger.

He came to see me because 3 years earlier his wife had suggested marriage guidance counselling. As a result of that process he had begun to realise that there were parts of his life that he had not really enjoyed, paid attention to or, indeed, appreciated. His wife and his children were a huge part of that.

When he came to me he had made the connection. He knew that his anger was taking away more than it had ever given him.

Many years before he had been overlooked for promotion. This started him on the path of setting up his own business. It was this anger, this determination to show the rest of the world he was a success, which drove him for many years. What he came to realise was that what really made him a success was his skill, his knowledge and his care for the end product. The anger started the business but if he had left it behind at that point he would have been even more successful. He can look back at deals he lost that were caused by his ego and his anger.

He, like a large number of my clients was what I call a “High Achiever, Low Self Esteemer.” These are people who have spent theirs lives proving others and especially themselves wrong. People, who have turned their need to be appreciated, respected and loved in to hard work and results. The have invested massive efforts in a courageous battle to beat their own negative programming. These are the people who will go to the end of the world to prove themselves and then will not be happy with the praise, respect or the rewards they get for it. Why? Because they will never be truly happy until they are happy with themselves.

So, does getting rid of anger get rid of my edge? No! My edge is my skill and self discipline. It is my ability to reflect and improve. It is my ability to imagine the future and create it. When I am angry I do not do these things effectively.

No excuses! Your anger is not the same as your determination. It is not the secret of your success. It is a hindering, cloying , suffocating comfort blanket that started out protecting you and has outstayed its welcome. That’s why you need to deal with your anger.

After reading this I hope you will be one step closer to taking the decision to deal with your anger. If you are not please ask yourself this...

“Is this really about removing something vital to my success or is it really about not wanting to deal with my issues? Am I simply trying got find a coherent reason to sell to myself that will give me an excuse to go no further?”

If you want to know the answers ask your friends, partner, children and anyone else who knows you.