Beating Anger - Anger Management blogs

Depression and Anger

Mark Urry — Wed, 16 May 2012 11:27:16 +0000

When I first looked into writing this blog I thought I would right it in third-person perspective as I now specialise in anger, stress and emotional management. But depression and anger was a big part in my life so I will write this as a sufferer of both.

I left school with one GCSE above ‘C’ in art, attended three colleges, a failed year at university and had around 20 different jobs. Then in my early twenties I slipped into depression. I had lost my identity, my self-esteem and confidence were at rock bottom and my life was going nowhere.

Did I think anger played a part in me becoming depressed or compounded the symptoms, no not for one minute. Did I shout and scream or get aggressive, no. Aggressive behaviour is only one end of the spectrum; the other end is passive aggression. Both can have a major impact on individuals’ lives and the people around them. The passive side by it’s nature can be hidden and for some they don’t even know the effect it is having on them. Anger is part of our lives; it’s a natural feeling and it’s only in the way we express it that makes it healthy or unhealthy. When I got angry I felt I didn’t want conflict or confrontation so I held it inside of me. I didn’t have the words of the means to express myself in a healthy way, so I ‘contained’ myself.

I looked to the outside world to help me, which we all need but with low self-esteem I relied on others to make me feel better about myself, rather than take responsibility of my own life and actions. I had needs such as being heard, belonging and to be understood. When these needs were not met I felt frustrated, and part of this was anger. Why couldn’t anyone understand me, why can’t they feel how I do and no I can’t just snap out of it! When I looked below the anger I found hurt and below that fear.My fear is that you (a person, society or the world) won’t meet my unmet needs. This fear drove feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness, three things that defined my depression. We need to meet our own needs and not assume it’s the responsibility of others. Communicate these needs to others; people are not mind readers.

Another aspect of my depression was shame. Healthy shame is an emotional signal to say we have and will make mistakes, it gives us permission to be human. Toxic shame is the belief in the statement ‘ I am fatally flawed’ and I experienced this in the sense of absence and emptiness. Toxic shame is paradoxical and self-generating; there is shame about shame. I needed others to make me feel better about myself but when they did I didn’t believe them, I was in a cycle of suffering. The only way out of toxic shame is to go through it. There are no short cuts and all the avoidances (bypasses and self-anaesthetisation) are ineffective in the long term. I was not even aware this was happening to me and only now I can look back at my life can I understand the part shame played. But embracing my shame would involve emotional pain and pain is what I thought I was avoiding by not looking at it. We need to change our shame from being internalised to externalising it. Healing the shame is simple but difficult. People will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they would admit shame.

I look back at how stress played a part in my depression. Stress is different things to different people. To a mountaineer it is the challenge of going to the limit to achieve a demanding goal. To a homeward bound motorist it can be the hassle of traffic and exhaust fumes. To me it was what finally got me out the bed in the morning to get to work. I suffered by not having too much stress in my life leading to distress, but too little. Hypo-stress is little known and it can be very subtle, but it can be just as harmful as too much stress. I was withdrawn from the world into myself and bored, unmotivated, lethargic, restless and knowing what might help me but could not be bothered to do it. People looking into my world might have seen me as lazy, unsociable and hard to talk to. Stress is an unavoidable part of our lives just as anger is, but it needs to be balanced.

I joined the Royal Navy in 1999 and served twelve years. It started to build the two foundations of emotional health, self-esteem and confidence. My depression still has it’s effect on me now and always will, but having experienced it I feel it has made me a stronger person. Depression is a complex mental health illness and one that is unique as the individual suffering from it. In my personal and professional experience anger and stress are two common themes that run through it and working with them can be a significant factor in promoting recovery.

Externalise your depression, I held onto mine trying to think my way out of it, but that made things worse. Talk to someone and communicate your needs.

Mike Fisher Interview : The Guardian & Talk Sport

Mike Fisher — Tue, 15 May 2012 15:43:24 +0000

In light of Joey Barton's recent outburst on the football pitch, Mike Fisher was interviewed in both the Guardian and for Talksport Radio. You can find the link to the Guardian article below as well as the audio recording.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/shortcuts/2012/may/14/joey-barton-tips-wayne-rooney

Talksport Radio

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JOEY BARTON OR WAYNE ROONEY? YOUR CHOICE

Lorraine Marx — Tue, 15 May 2012 15:08:57 +0000

Anger in Football hits the Headlines again. It seems Joey Barton is having trouble controlling his emotions on the pitch. Football is all good clean fun, or is it? Lets look at the triggers for Anger:

One of our triggers for Anger is the Loss of a Personal Goal (excuse the Pun!). When we are involved in Team games such a Football, tensions run high. Why? Because we all want to win, we all want goals to be scored and our team come home with the Trophy. No more so than the professionals who are paid to deliver the goods and that puts a lot of stress on their shoulders (Trigger number 2). So add to the already competitive nature of the game the ££££'s that are invested in these guys to perform and you can understand why outbursts occur on the field. It may be that something caused him to be angry long before he was on the pitch (Trigger no3) ... Are you getting the picture yet?

I could go on all day, but the fact remains that highly paid Footballers would do well to conduct themselves in a professional manner as their outbursts are witnessed by all. Whether they like it or not they are viewed a icons to their young fans and are role models for many youngsters. As Mike Fisher says in the Guardian today - be responsible like Wayne Rooney sort it out Joey!! - see the relevant clip below:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/shortcuts/2012/may/14/joey-barton-tips-wayne-rooney

How do you feel about this article? Can you relate to the stress and pressure that Joey is under?

If you have trouble controlling your emotions because of the Stressors in your life, don't lash outSign up today. Call: 0345 505 4850

What stops us from making a decision?

Paula Backen — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:25:53 +0000

What stops us from making the decision to join a course? I have been thinking this week about the multitude of ways people, including myself of course, avoid booking on a course, or starting to do something we know we need to do.

I need to have a dental check-up. Not my favourite diary appointment, and I expect I will need work done. But I can't avoid it or never do it. It's not urgent......yet, and I don't want to wait for a crisis to pre-empt an emergency appointment. I feel a little guilty, and know I am being childish. If I were to mention it to my mum she would be horrified. So why procrastinate?

Reasons to procrastinate

- No time. Actually it takes less than an hour.

- It's expensive to get dental work done. But if I leave it, it may become more expensive - especially if I can't work because of the pain.

- it's not pleasant. Actually with pain relief, it's never as bad as I expect.

So how does this relate to anger management courses? Well many of my clients tell me similar stories........

"I need to do something before its too late and I lose my relationship, child custody, marriage, job, etc"

You see most people attending our courses say they wished they had done so years ago. Before they lost so much. And experienced such pain.

"I know avoiding it won't make it go away - I've been like this for a long while and nothing will change without help, it might even get worse."

Patterns establish themselves. Often patterns we learned from our parents, and they learned from theirs, so not to blame anyone. But patterns don't change without help.

"I have no time to spare - a weekend will mean I don't see my children."

It's just one weekend. Leave it and there may be many many childless weekends.

"I can't afford it right now."

But what are the costs of not doing anything? Court cases, legal fees, loss of job, fixing things you break.......

So we all have the ability to procrastinate. What's procrastination about? It's about the part of our brain that finishes its development by the age of five, and doesn't take on the logic of learned experiences. So when we try to tell ourselves to do something, that part of the brain thinks its our mum telling us, and we rebel - "won't do it!!". We need to remind ourselves it's what we really want, we are now adults and able to choose to do or not do.

Give me a call - don't procrastinate. Anger management is fantastic personal development and everyone gets something from it. You deserve it.

JEALOUS MAN 'FLIPPED OUT' IN DRUNKEN RAGE

Lorraine Marx — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:00:00 +0000

Elliot Turner 20, 'flpped out' and killed Emily Longley in a drunken rage after suspecting she might have been cheating on him, yesterday's Telegraph reports. Miss Longley loved him but wanted him to 'Stop being so controlling'. Mr Turner said his anger had been building up for months, he was jealous, possessive and suspicious.

I wonder how many of our clients have had some or all of these feelings at one time or another? Sadly it is a fact that anger, if not dealt with will continue to build. Mr Turner was unable to control himself due to his alcohol consumption and the anger that he had felt for some time finally exploded with tragic consequences. We often hear that clients cannot afford our courses, but think about this for a moment......

What has your anger cost you already and what may it cost you in the future if you don't take action to look at the source of your angry outbursts. Please, if you feel you can relate to some or all of these feelings and your anger is out of control, call me for a confidential, non-judgemental chat on 0345 505 4850.

Forgiveness

Julian Hall — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:11:15 +0000

I had an experience recently that relates to forgiveness. As always, I am struck by the number of people that attend my courses that are holding onto wrongs that have been exacted on them and the deep emotional pain that goes with them. Being human I am able to see these issues and characteristics in others far easier than I am able to see them in myself.

It was seeing the act of forgiveness in another that made me reflect on my own ability to forgive.

The event that raised this for me was brought to my attention by my local Radio Station, BBC Radio Derby. The news was filled with the fact that Darrell Desuze, the youth who brutally attacked Richard Mannington-Bowes, during the riots last summer had been jailed for 8 years. The local part of the story was that the victim’s sister lived in Derby and she was being interviewed. As I listened I was amazed at this lady’s capacity for forgiveness. She was very clear that she is a Christian and has strong faith. Anyone reading this, who has a strong aversion to religion, or overt profiling of religion, please just put that to one side because this is about being human. Anne Wilderspin was very clear. She said “some months ago I decided to forgive Darrell. This does not condone his terrible acts but it leaves him emotionally free to change.” This was powerful stuff I was hearing.

“Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.”
Indira Gandhi

In the past I have been of the view that forgiveness comes from different sources. It may come from the fact that I can look back and see the positive side of what happened and see that it may have been to my advantage and thus this gave me the power to forgive. It is, I realise, quite a patronising form of forgiveness.

I have also mistaken forgiveness, in the past, for empathy and understanding. I have thought that I needed to be able to understand the other person’s point of view in order to forgive. I now realise that this is helpful but is not conditional upon me being able to forgive.

Listening to Anne Wilderspin I realised that I did not have to understand. I did not have to get something out of it for me to crow about. Actually I could just choose to let go, ....choose to forgive.

This reminded me of a client I worked with in a group very early in my career. We were discussing what anger does when you hold on to it and he sat there and said what I thought was quite profound.

He said “Grudges give your life meaning. They are easier to deal with than grief or depression. I held a grudge for years, it meant nothing to them. I would lie awake at night thinking that they should be worried. They didn’t even know.

Equally, when I forgave them, it meant nothing to them. It meant loads to me. They won’t be the ones to become ill because I have a grudge against them.”

I mentioned above that I can see the capacity to hold a grudge in others better than I can see it in myself. Nearly 4 years ago I was forced out of a career that was very important to me. No matter how hard I tried I found it difficult to forgive the man who started the process off. I have tried to understand his point of view but that always comes back to the point that, empathy or not, he did something to me that really hurt. I have looked at it in terms of where I am now. Looking back he helped me get out of a role in which I was struggling and which was causing me a huge amount of stress. I am genuinely so much happier now and doing something I just love so much, but no matter how I position it in that way in my mind, I don’t feel like I am forgiving him. Just getting one up on him “see!! It all worked out much better, no thanks to you!” I may not say that but I may have meant it.

I realised what it was about when I worked with a group who were profoundly inspiring. One young lady talked about forgiving an abuser and she said “once I forgive them, I am no longer held back by them.”

This act of forgiveness is about setting me free and allowing me to let go of the past. Helping me not to be defined by my past and allowing me to look forward to the future. Forgiveness is good.

Now if you can’t make it that far may be you can fall back on Oscar Wilde for some inspiration. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

Post Traumatic Stress – The fall Out of Afghanistan

Julian Hall — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 14:45:55 +0000

The anniversary of the Falkland islands conflict is causing a lot of reflection on conflict and the effects it has on those at home in the UK. There was a special report on the ITN News last night about soldiers returning from Afghanistan to the UK and the mental illness they carried back with them. The suicide rate amongst veterans that have experienced trauma is shocking.

I was struck by the deep effects their experiences (being shot, blown up etc) has had on them. I was struck more though by the armed forces inability to diagnose and support this level of psychological damage to young men who had put themselves at extreme risk for us. As an aside, I want to clarify that last statement “at extreme risk for us.” I may not agree with the conflicts that our government commits our troops to but I am fully aware that these troops are representing me, fighting for me, and doing a job that I would not ( am not) capable of doing. I hold huge, deep respect for our armed forces. This, I am sure, is one of the reasons I find this subject so disturbing, because I feel by proxy some responsibility for this.

However, and there is always a balancing view, the fact is soldiers sign up knowing they may go to war and are trained (the best in the world we are told) to do so.

The real issue here is that we as a society have a responsibility that goes beyond training the soldier and paying them a wage. The responsibility is more than mending them when the get damaged and sending them back out again to fight. We have a responsibility to support them through the damage that stays with them long after their “career” in the army ends. Some wounds are easier to spot than others. They are characterised by prosthetic limbs and burns. The wounds on the psyche are the ones we don’t see and, as a result, are easy to ignore.

To be fair to the Ministry of Defence (MoD) they are taking notice and there appears to be a political will to deal with this issue. Many high ranking officers coupled with the likes of Dr Liam Fox (former Defence Secretary) are realising the size of the issue and calling for more to be done.

So, what can they do? This a cultural issues and changing culture takes a long time. Too long in fact. The culture of caring for the servicemen long after he/she leaves needs to grow but meanwhile any strategy for dealing with this needs to acknowledge cultural issues and work around them. The two major cultural issues this problem faces are –

A serving soldier will not admit to being unfit for duty. This especially relates to mental illness because they are afraid of what their colleagues may think and of what may happen to them. It’s also fair to say that if you want a tough, fighting force that confronts the enemy in a controlled manner encouraging a culture of sharing feelings (e.g. fear) is not what you want.

When a soldier leaves the army their conditioning and culture travels with them. In other words, no matter how many leaflets you give them and how many adverts they see, they still will not find themselves able to admit to the nightmares and the feelings of helplessness and despair they experience.

So, in summary, a soldier will not tell you when he is serving and will not tell you when he has left. Well not straight away. I read a statistic some time ago that said that on average a Post Traumatic Stress sufferer will take 14 years to seek help. By which time they have left a trail of destroyed relationships behind them.

The solution? My solution? Develop a team of outreach workers, volunteers or paid psychiatric nurses. People who regularly call upon veterans and spend time with them finding out about them and what has been happening since they left. If the mental illness won’t come to us let’s get us to the mental illness. Do this and before long the true extent of the damage that is out here will be felt.

Are we afraid of the cost? I suspect we are. The cost of running such a scheme could be huge. Add in that if it is successful it will increase costs as treatment is needed. I am sure the cost won’t be as much as it is when we have to support families that are left behind. Besides, if the true cost of war were known, may be, just maybe there would be less.

Traumatic Incident Reduction Therapy is not just used for PTSD suffers. It is highly effective in helping individual’s process and deal with any form of trauma. To Understand more click here.

Eric Joyce The Self Destruct Merchant

Julian Hall — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 12:22:47 +0000

Eric Joyce, the now notorious MP for Falkirk is back in the news this weekend. He cant seem to avoid giving interviews that could potentially damage him. This time he is telling his life story (of fights) to Camilla Long in The Sunday Times.

In it he reveals that he started going off the rails at school after his father died of cancer. He attached a teacher at school and was also found guilty of stealing cars on several occasions. He joined the army to channel his aggression but it clearly was not completely successful since he was charged with (and acquitted of) actual bodily harm whilst serving.

His latest issues appear to stem from extreme disappointment of not being appointed to the government as a minister in 2005. In his words “ I felt 100% sure I would be a minister.” He subsequently found out that the party thought he was a liability after an interview he gave to a journalist (alcohol involved again) where he claimed to have killed people with his bare hands.

In the full interview with Camilla long he lists a litany of issues he has had over the years. Most of them revolve around alcoholand fighting. As someone who was appointed to represent people in parliament one would think he may be able to spot the signs and take action.

In actual fact, his story is quite familiar and similar to those of a lot of our clients. They have issues, they minimise them in their own mind and think that “next time” they will act differently. They keep acting out in anger but are to close to the problem to see the pattern. Their loved ones suffer and they again convince themselves they can change but fail to do so.

Commonly, the reason they will come to us for help is only when circumstances force then to. When the thing or person that matters most to them is threatened with being taken away then they realise it is serious.

Why do I highlight Eric Joyce? Well if he had come to us a long time ago it is likely that he would still be married and may even have been a minister. What I do know is that he would have been a great deal happier. His actions are not those of a man happy with himself. He is an individual in emotional pain and in some bad behavioural habits. Its time he took action. He thinks he has to address his issues “or I’ll die or go to jail.” Lets hope that is motivation enough.

Robert Bale – Monster or Victim

Julian Hall — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 12:19:18 +0000

The soldier that left his base at 3 am a few days ago in Afghanistan and killed 16 innocent people has been identified as Robert Bale. As the press close in and the military come under pressure to release more details we get to know more.

The picture is building of an essentially kind and compassionate family man who was on his fourth tour of duty in stressful and dangerous conditions. A man who had been injured twice in action, who had behavioural issues in his background, and was still registered as a sniper.

Bale, like many American servicemen joined up in the wake of 9/11 and wanted to make a difference. Neighbours describe a loving family man who loved spending time with his wife and children. A captain who toured with him described him as “one of the best soldiers I have ever worked with.”

In his background there is an assault in 2002 where he was ordered to take 20 hours of Anger Management. He also had a conviction for drink driving in 2005 and another suspected incident where he crashed his car and left the scene, telling police later he fell asleep at the wheel.

This was his 4^th tour of duty in 8 years where, every day that they are on patrol, soldiers are continuously expecting the worst. In other words it’s extremely stressful. In previous tours of Iraq he had sustained 2 serious injuries, one being a head wound and the other where part of his foot had to be cut away. So that’s two major physical traumas to his body. The wounds tell of singular events. Who knows how many fire fights, close shaves and how many deaths and injuries to comrades he has witnessed. What we do know is that a few days before he committed this atrocity he witnessed one of his best friends losing a leg to an Improvised Explosive Device.

The behavioural issues in his background do indicate that he was not as balanced as you may want. Having said that, whilst I want them focussed and determined, I don’t mind if a soldier fighting for me has a little anger as well. The drinking and driving is more of a concern.

The real issue here is the military’s ability to spot Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Furthermore, the military has a difficult line to tread. The macho, gung ho culture it needs that fosters team work and positive attitude needs to be balanced by an understanding that it is ok to admit to post traumatic stress. In fact it needs a culture change where it is recognised that a soldier in the field suffering with PTSD is the weakest of weak links with the most unpredictable consequences.

It’s not just the US military that are not good at this part of rehabilitation of the injured.

The reason units such as OPRECO in Leicester have been set up by civilians (ex servicemen a lot of them) is because the military in this country is not good at spotting the signs of PTSD. Whether the military means it to or not the symptoms and the issues come out in civilian life and need addressing.

Coincidentally in this week’s Sunday Times Magazine there is an article on the Falklands conflict. One of the contributors Mark Curtis Royal Marine Commando says “I was injured during fighting on Mount Harriet and I’ve been struggling ever since. I lost my right leg on a land mine. I find it extremely difficult to talk about my experience. – It makes me feel ill, sick and tense. ......I was only 18 so I was unable to verbalise the anger I felt. How do you negotiate an acceptable level of treatment with people who appear to be more powerful than you? A military psychologist told me “”Pull yourself together man, there’s nothing wrong with you.””

It would appear that in 30 years our ability to help those that sacrifice themselves for us has not progressed much at all.

Why do I take such an interest? The form of Trauma therapy that I am trained in has been proved to be really effective with PTSD. That said, any form of trauma needs processing. Trauma by its nature means the senses get overwhelmed at the time of the incident. It’s in the days and weeks afterwards that the issues start to surface and needs addressing. If left without help victims of trauma can develop social shut down, behavioural issues such as angry outbursts or issues such as addictions.

If you have suffered trauma and want a confidential discussion about what you can do call 0345 505 2450 and ask for Julian.

Is there an alternative to rage?

Paula Backen — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 11:26:58 +0000

Let it out? Or keep it in?

We all have heard the expression -"better out than in". It seems to be the modern response to keeping our feelings buttoned down, suppressed, the traditional British stiff upper lip. If we watch soaps on TV, we get the impression that every character needs to express their feelings outwardly, and often in an aggressive way.

So which is better - suppression or expression?

Well, my answer is not so simple - it depends. It depends on what we mean by expression. Expression doesn't have to mean aggression. There are assertive ways to let another person know how we feel. There are some very powerful tools we teach on our courses that really help to resolve conflict. This is assertive behaviour and a posiitve expression of our anger.

Everything matters?

So the other question is, do we have to respond to every incident, let the other person know how it feels for us, each time? Can we contain a feeling, 'sit in it' and let it pass? Do we have to take personally every perceived disrespect, injustice, inadequacy? Of course we don't. We can choose the situation, choose the battles that are worth fighting. One of my measures is - will this matter in six months' time? If it won't, it's not worth tackling. It's better to recognise the feeling, then put it to bed, and leave it alone.

If it will matter, and has long term implications, then the next question is - is this about me, about the other person, or about us both? Is this a chance for me to understand myself better, is it something the other person needs to address, or is this about how we relate to each other?

Emotional intelligence is not easy

If you find this interesting, perhaps you'd like to explore the ideas further through one of our courses - anger management is really about emotional intelligence. We just don't seem to be able to get the message across. Are we poor communicators? Got another name for 'anger management'? If you have any ideas, let me know.