the beat machine of rhetoric

just words

2009-12-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

its rhythm rocks me to sleep when i'm alone
keeping time with its steady speed, i count the days since i left
listening intently as it tries to tell me what i already know, i try to hear something new

my heart.
it still moves.

slowly.
it paces on.
quickly.
it palpitates on the idea of a return.

but, still, my heart.
it moves.

Cold Case Warms Up

2009-11-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, October 4th, the San Francisco Police Department received an anonymous tip regarding a fugitive authorities have attempted to capture for years - Love.

Witnesses state Love was seen walking down the streets of the Nob Hill area at approximately 12:30am. One eye witness states Love met up with an unknown companion at the intersection of Mason and Sutter where they met in a warm embrace and walked off together.

This was a major break in the case because Love has been on the run since the late days of December in 2005 when the fugitive fled Los Angeles to the state of New York and ran off the radar.

While residing in New York, Love had no known address or place of employment which led to authorities believe that unknown hooligans had been harboring the fugitive and became that much more difficult to capture.
Authorities had hit a wall in the search and began to speculate that the suspect would never be found until the Summer of 2008 when witnesses reported they spotted Love, once again, running around the Los Angeles area spending a substantial amount of time in the city of Arcadia and Long Beach area.
After some investigation, our detectives were led to believe that it had not been Love but it's doppelganger, Lust.

It was not until it was too late that authorities discovered that they had the fugitive in their grips because it was, in fact, Love under the guise of flashy Lust as to not get caught.

But authorities learned far too late for, once again, Love had fled.

After a few investigational errors, authorities have been able to confirm that Love is living in the city of San Francisco and frequents the Pacific Heights, Civic Center, Downtown and Embarcadero areas. We have increased our man power and assure you that we will not stop until Love has been captured and finally brought to justice for fleeing arms and breaking hearts.

***UPDATE***
On Saturday, November 7th, authorities received word that Love had been spotted entering Edinburgh Castle surrounded by a crowd of people.
Not willing to lose another chance at catching this fugitive, authorities jumped in after Love.
It took some time, for Love was in the arms of many and in the faces of all, but, in the end, authorities were successful in their capture because there, amongst a sea of smiles, Love had finally been found.

Nov 4th is the best day of the year

2009-11-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

So I'm sharing with you one of my favorite memories of this year.

Thinking back, walking up Pacaya, an active volcano in Guatemala, wasn't the brightest thing to do, but, if it had to happen at that moment, it would have been a really cool way to die.

Halloween Outing

2009-11-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

On Saturday we drove up north to Petaluma to conquer the amazing corn maze.
It was so much fun...the bottle of Jim Beam we carried with us did not help :)

Not sure how long we were in there, but it was at least a good 45 minutes.
Good times.

i am fucking random

2009-10-28T19:11:00.001-07:00

I cannot wait for the holiday season.

The best memories I have are the ones I create during these months.
I've always been the happiest from the beginning of Fall through the transition into Winter - definitely has to do with the cold weather.

The city is so lovely right now.
When I left last weekend, the city was hot.
Now that I've returned I feel the change of the impending crispness to come.

Plus, the Bay Bridge is closed indefinitely because of a crappy repair job last month and there aren't as many cars in the city.
It feels oh so very nice not sharing my city and not feeling cramped.

Though togetherness is always nice, too.
You know what I miss most about having a boyfriend?
Getting to have sex with my best friend.
I haven't really felt that way since 2004, even though last year was a whiff of that lovely air.

Although I'm not entirely in the mood for a relationship - it's a nice idea but that would require so much that I just can't give right now - there are moments I do miss having a counterpart.
That sounds weird because it's not like I don't feel whole - it's quite the opposite, actually.
I feel so complete that the desire to share this feeling is palpable.

Now that I think of it, the best and longest relationship I've had was born when I was the busiest.
I was 19 and R.A. at State.
4 classes, Bi-Weekly Meetings, R.A. duties - I was all over the place. I didn't have time for anything.
And yet, there I was - doing everything.

Dude! My Republican friend, Nick - he's not really a Republican, I just call him that because we're all politics - told me about this site called StumbleUpon and I am HOOKED! It takes you to random sites it thinks you will love and then you give that site a thumbs up or down and you'll receive the sites accordingly. It's so random - I absolutely love it!

I totally went off on a tangent - i'm high...my mind goes down where it needs to go, you know...

Random fact about me: Once upon a time, in a life where the first fantasies of forever were born, I was married on the Serengeti by the Maassei tribe while the sun set down on the earth gently leaving it's echo of light.

His idea.

How could I say "no" to that?

the images that make up my life

2009-10-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I rode my bike to the Palace of Fine Arts for the very first time.
There were only about 4 blocks left to go when it happened.
I'm peddling down the street with growing excitement in the air and wind in my hair when it begins to get difficult.
Each push of my feet feels tougher and tougher.
I was on level land so it couldn't possibly be the road.
Then a horrible thought popped into my head - "I am tired" - but I didn't feel tired until just that moment.
For whatever reason, I looked down at the road, then at my tires, and discovered the back tire was as flat as an ironing board.
I was so upset.
But not a real way - I mean, come on, it made me think all my gym time had gone to waste.
It has not.

I walked my bike the rest of the way and enjoyed a lovely afternoon reading under sunshine, watching ducks waddle, and smiling at dogs as they zoomed past me.
I still love my sad little bike because it was a gift from my friend Nikki who went back home to Germany - miss her.

I've decided that I love my toes.

Not like I hated them, but there were times were smaller ones were mildly desired.

On Friday (?) I was tripping out and stared at my feet for what seemed like an eternity and was just in complete awe of these things.

I'd bend and straighten my toes watching each one purposefully come back to its original position.

I'd wiggle them slowly - like a dreamy hello.

I thought about how my feet have held me up for almost 29 years and the strength they've needed to carry me through the 3 cities I've lived in and the countless others I've visited.

My feet are silent heroes.

I'm going to make them a medal in the form of a toe-ring.

When my afternoon was over, I walked my bike down Lombard and up that damn hill back home.
It was a good walk.

Life is beautiful.

i am fucking random

2009-10-08T00:36:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be typing a Political Science paper arguing elite behavior and mass opinion and yet I continue to press keys.
I'm letting you know right now, this doesn't matter to anyone but me; and I'm writing it anyway.

I don't know why this popped in my mind.
How does anything just pop in your mind? The idea must be there lingering, waiting for you to acknowledge it.
I guess it came to the forefront because I'm totally happy right now. God, I'm saying it so much that it's even getting annoying to me. But I like it because it's a "like" kind of happy. But, again, I don't "like" anyone right now. But even so I still find myself feeling like I do.
Does that make any sense?
I'm just totally crushin' right now and it makes me feel so good.

Anyway, back to the random part.
So, I'm turning 29 next month and realized that year 28 is going to be the first time I haven't chosen a boyfriend in a calendar year: 11-4-08 to 11-4-09.

I've broken it down for you:

First boyfriend: 15-17
"College" boy: 18
Serious College boyfriend: 19-23
After college boy: 24-27
Real life boy: 27

I've found a boy worthy of having this (hehe) every year but this one. Year 28.
I'm not saying I haven't shared company with some nice boys but I've never purposely avoided relationships for this long until this past year.

That's quite feat for a dreamer like me.

Now I find myself singing love songs and fluttering around like I've found someone when I'm the only person in the room.

One of the songs I have on repeat is "Daydreamer" (of course!) by Adele - what I have playing right now.

"Daydreamer, sittin' on the seat
Soaking up the sun he is a
Real lover, makin' up the past and feeling up his girl like he's never felt her figure before
Jaw dropper
Looks good when he when he walks, he is the subject of their talk
He would be hard to chase, but good to catch and he could change the world with his hands behind his back, Oh

You can find him sittin' on your doorstep
Waiting for the surprise
It will feel like he's been there for hours
And you can tell that he'll be there for life

Daydreamer, with eyes that make you melt
He lends his coat for shelter because he's there for you when he shouldn't be
But he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through
There's no way I could describe him
All I say is, just what I'm hoping for

But I will find him sittin' on my doorstep
Waiting for the surprise
It will feel like he's been there for hours
And I can tell he'll be there for life
And I can tell he'll be there for life"

I like it because it's about my man.
You know, the one I haven't met yet.
But will.

That's going to be fucking awesome. No exclamation point needed.
You know what I mean.
And if you don't, don't worry, you will.

We all will.

I promise.

my month of (alcohol) sobriety

2009-10-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.
Where do I begin...

Well, allow me to start off by saying, I like to drink.
I take full on pleasure in using this sweet liquid substance.

However, for whatever reason, as many known as unknown, I decided that I would not drink alcohol for the entire month of September.

I'm amused that I would think an "entire month" would seem to be a significant amount of time to stop consuming alcohol. Little did I know other people were doing this very same thing. Apparently there's something called "Sober September"; a month in which guilt-ridden Catholics (a word of my choosing) take a month off of drinking due to all the sin of summer. I've recently discoverd I've got the guilt in me as well and I didn't even know it! Ain't that a bitch?
Anyway, this month has shown to have two purposes, 1) to give my beloved liver a rest, and 2) to rid myself of this thing called guilt. It's a dirty, filthy feeling. One that cannot be scrubbed away. It must pulled out with an iron grip from the inside in order to finally be released. It's been fun.

These 30 days have experienced a removal of one of my favorite parts of my daily routine - Wine at home. A happy hour with folks. Nighttime group drinking. It's just endless.

It's been interesting to be out and not have a drink in my hand. At first, I felt like something was missing; not naked, but not fully dressed either. However I must say, I didn't completely miss it. Actually, there were only 2 times I craved alcohol, 1) at the beginning of the month when I wanted a huge glass of red wine, and 2) at the Mayer Hawthorne show when I wanted a vodka soda with my delicious 3 cherries to cool me down because it was so f*ing hot inside the Rickshaw Stop.

Anyway, during this time I've discovered what I enjoy about alcohol is not just the effect that it creates - that loud potency I keep in check that weighs so deep and heavy in my stomach that my body just has to give in to the feeling and then slithers its way out of me heading towards my desire - though that would be enough for me, it seems to be more than this.

What I enjoy most is the feeling I get from that first drink - that crisp, refreshing rush of that cold white wine, beer, or vodka soda with 3 cherries that makes me go "Ahh".

It's been a good month.
I'm sleeping ever so soundly (alcohol fucks with your deep sleep patterns) and just feel good all around.
Now I'm not saying I'm going to quit drinking for good or drink myself into oblivion - my father didn't bless me with his liver for nothing - but it's nice to be reassured of the thought that alcohol is an accessory and not a necessity. Example in point: LoveFest - I was completely sober and still insanely happy.

I just think it's funny I that I had to stop drinking to know for sure. :)

9-29-2009

2009-09-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

Take me.
I'm yours.

I won't go anywhere this time.
I promise.

09-09-09

2009-09-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

today is supposed to mean something, but i've learned that when love is in the air every day means something.

the images that make up my life

2009-09-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

Last month, one of my best friends came to San Francisco and stayed with me for a week.
She's a nanny and the family was here on vacation so they brought her with them. Because we had opposite schedules, I only got to spend one afternoon with her and the kids - which was ok with me because, just like them, I lose interest quickly and look for other things to entertain me. On this afternoon, we let one of my favorite places in the whole world, Golden Gate Park, do the entertaining.

I love this one - he's looking at me like I'm a stranger and not someone who just shot an entire roll of him smiling and laughing his head off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The city was so wonderful this weekend.
The Bay Bridge has been closed for 4 days now and the only people who are on the peninsula are the people who live on it.
It was lovely to walk on half-deserted streets empty from the lack of bridge people.
It's like when friends and family visit - you love having them, but you love it even more when they go back.
It made me think of New York because, even though I lived in Astoria *raise up!*, I think people who live in Manhattan would love it if all the bridges, tunnels, and public transportation shut down; you'd hear a collective sigh of relief when they realized the island is theirs again.
That's how I felt - the city was mine again.

On Saturday, I spent a delightful afternoon reading about the science that is politics at my neighborhood greenery, Alta Plaza Park. I was only able to hang out until about 5pm because, in perfect San Francisco fashion, the fog had rolled in and I had to seek sanctuary.

Life is beautiful.

i love my friends

2009-09-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

that is all.

Quote of the Moment

2009-09-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

"In the picture of the future, chance always forms the obscure point where the eye of the intellect cannot penetrate".

-Alexis de Tocqueville, "Democracy in America"

Santa Cruz Boardwalk Nighttime Goodness

2009-09-03T22:54:00.001-07:00

*i warn you - this is pretty loud.

accepting the gym into my life

2009-08-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Allow me to preface this post by saying that I'm a big, fat hypocrite.

I used to say I would NEVER join a gym.

The mere thought of the gym grossed me out.
The idea of sweaty, possibly hairy, men that I don't want to see bending over or hear grunting as they lift weights was enough to deter me from the gym. But then this was when I had the luxury of exercising at home in San Francisco on Anthony's treadmill or in LA on the stationary bike - no need to go to the gym.

Flash forward a few years and no piece of equipment in my apartment to work this body - I gave in.

I've been a member of 24 Hour Fitness since the end of April and, oh my god, I can't believe I love it. Well, actually I can. I've always liked exercise, but not the "gym" per se. I still see the sweaty men, including one really hairy guy with curly hair on his arms. Ugh. I also have a very special anorexic gym-mate for the past midnight workout - no joke. I don't personally know her but she's only there after midnight going nuts on the elliptical machine. Come to think of it, I haven't seen her in a while; hope she's ok.

What I like best about the gym is the yoga and pilates classes. As much as I love working out alone, the element of a group moving in uniform motion really grounds me. I think I get that from so many years of Karate.

For me, exercise has never been about looking a certain way.
A major tomboy as a kid, I grew up immersed in athletics. I grew up learning to love my body in a different manner. If I gain or lose too much weight, then I feel like I'm neglecting my health by not taking care of my body.
Exercise has always thought me how to equally balance my offensive moves with my defensive ones. When I think about it, the happiest and most relaxed times of my life have been when I've been exercising regularly.

To me, exercise is about loving myself enough to take care of body as much I take care of everything else.
Who would've thought the gym would turn out to be a sanctuary for me?

It's funny - joining the gym was the last time I started a sentence with "I'll never".
I guess there's a lesson in everything.

i heart SF

2009-08-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

Last month - I think? - I drove across the Golden Gate Bridge into Marin for the very first time.

I had crossed the bridge before, but never driving my own car.

I love that even though the city might have lovely weather, the bridge can be still covered in fog in the middle of Summer.

I never thought I could live here again, but, with each day that passes, I realize that San Francisco just may be the perfect city.

It's funny how the second time around can be better than the first.

I guess sometimes first loves do deserve a second chance.

Great Expectations

2009-07-24T01:26:00.000-07:00

At 24, all she wanted was her equal.
But, the one that was believed to co-create a love so prodigious and breathtakingly beautiful failed to meet her reasonable yet, unreachable expectations.
Thus, removing the rose-colored glasses from her eyes and forcing her to see the world for what it was and not what she wanted it to be.

At 27, all she wanted was someone to play with.
But, the one that was thought to be of little significance and serve only carnal desires proved to far exceed expectation and become something significantly sweet.
Thus, returning her to the warmth of heart by allowing her to see the love that was and not the lust she thought it would be.

Now, she just wants.
But, what she wants is caught in contradicting thoughts that pushes and pulls her like the struggling to undo a knot.
Thus, keeping her on her toes to her evolving desires while cementing the needs that never change she maintains the precarious balance of the world she has and what she knows it will be.

i miss my camera

2009-07-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

and love this version of "heartless"

that is all.

My Freckles

2009-07-09T00:48:00.000-07:00

My face has spots
Spots you cannot see
I am not talking about my birthmarks, or moles as one would say
These accents do not protrude my skin
These accents are small discolorations under my top layer with ambitions to be seen
They begin at the outer corners of my eyes and sprinkle towards the middle - slowly disappearing as they spread
They rest at the apex of my cheeks when I smile
And support the amber streaks in my orbs
And though they are there
you do not see them
But I do
And he will
And because he will
it will show me
he sees me
Just like I do.

*****
Listening to: "Halo" - the only good song Beyonce has put out since "Upgrade U".

r e d r u m

2009-07-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

my hallway freaks people out.

that is all.

The Other Side of the Bed

2009-06-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

No matter how much I enjoy my solitude and life without a committed male companion, I cannot seem to get used to sprawling out and occupying the entire space that is my bed – at least, not in an unconscious, natural way.

It is as if my relationships throughout the years have conditioned me to expect “him” to come home or have “him” waiting for me to walk through the door.

You see, I have always had “him” and he has always had me.

Half-filling the space with momentary surrogates alleviates some of the innate desire to find a permanent model of my perfect male specimen – 6 feet 0 inches of height so my head can nuzzle fittingly into his chest to listen to his heart, a dark thick mane and eyes so dark I can get lost in them – but it does not all together satisfy my craving.

Though temporarily filled with intimacy real and the design same – eating in bed, watching movies in bed, laughing in bed, kissing in bed – my bed remains covered in the color of snow not yet having met the one that will, with me, paint it glorious shades of passion-enlivened hues.

Until then, I make real attempts to inch over to that side and make it mine, too.

But, the reality of the matter is, that space is waiting.

It remains firm and refuses to be persuaded by the “others”.

That side is “his”.

And my bed will not deny it.

My bed has never denied it.

The denial was my own.

But I am now open for “him” to come home.

Listening to: "Black Milk" by Massive Attack

a-fucking-mazing

2009-06-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

...and that's all i'm going to say about that.

what the hell

2009-06-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

am i doing running around guatemala???

ps. i forgot how good dr. bronner´s peppermint castile soap felt in your crotch. ;)

men need that shower fresh feeling, too.

2009-05-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

The Fail Blog rocks!

5 star-rated

2009-05-28T16:34:00.000-07:00

so last night i was hanging out with the girls doing girly things and during one of the breaks from having pillow fights in our underwear, we jumped on the internet to find funny stuff to watch or read.
i showed them one of my favorite websites called "i used to believe"; it's all about things we used to believe as kids and how we perceived life and, to my surprise, i found a post i did a long time ago.

check it out for yourself - what i used to believe about condoms.
i'm 9th from the top.

i'm glad people find my youthful imagination amusing.