the beat machine of rhetoric

plans change

2011-12-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

"we must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - joseph campbell

react accordingly.

bullseye

2011-10-04T22:49:00.001-07:00

Dating is a Game of Endurance

2011-03-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

To win the game that is dating means to love her in ways that the others do not, cannot, or choose not to.

To love, however, does not mean, demand, nor depend on exclusivity.

The sport of dating is all about remaining relevant to the plans of the adored and not about attempts at alteration.
One by one, suitors gamble by taking that walk and take a chance for a chance.
It is about getting on the board, strokes of white attaching advantage.
Presence and participation without insecurity or interrogation.
Waiting, but only actively, as one by one, the board is cleared.
Until the final round where the best man wins.
Where winning, he understood, is accomplished in a discriminating fashion – to achieve first place in reverse.

To "finish last."

i refuse to love moderately

2011-03-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

Sonnet 66
Pablo Neruda

I do not love you – except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from the cold into the fire.

I love you only because it’s you
I love; I hate you no end, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe the January light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.

---
convention attempts to convince the heart that love should never create pain
but the burning that is connected only to longing is easily tolerated
when alleviation comes in the form of the heat off the body attached to your love's name.

peeling it off

2011-01-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

i leave traces of my presence
like bread crumbs to a hungry explorer
looking exactly for what i'm leaving behind
i want to play
it knows that
and, like always,
it will find me.

all women are crazy...

2010-12-09T18:47:00.000-08:00

FACT.

it's ok to admit we're all a little nutty.
life would be boring if everything was always cool.

and, a piece of advice to all the men out there, stay away from the women who reject this claim - those are the craziest bitches out there.

that is my gift to you.

and f.y.i. - men are just as nuts...they just hide it better.

that is all.

*cartoon found at http://tiredheart.tumblr.com/post/321170633/xd

respite from information overload

2010-10-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

the xx have managed to create a song about the reality of something that many people call "love".

like a morning roast, their sound allows out a slow drip that the mixture of honesty and delusion of wanting something you've willingly abandoned creates.
"infinity" breaks open at the division of every relationship into the two opposing ends of the deal-breaking incident.

ultimately about expectations, the song accurately articulates how the failure to realize how meaningless actions to one means mistakes to the other destroys delicate connections beyond repair. detailing the long withdrawal from intimacy, the arguing "give it up/i can't give it up" crescendo draws out the predicament where one must decide if they want to be happy, or if they want to be right.
and, with that, the tug of war continues on.

*i just needed to focus on something other than political science for a second.
that is all.

A serious mind-body disconnect:

2010-09-06T02:27:00.000-07:00

urges dictate my emotional side while the intellect argues, because it understands, the emotional will not be fulfilled until there is no side to argue.

Spooning is Not an Option

2010-08-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

Duties include gently brushing hair from my face, smelling the back of my neck, and, most importantly, knowing when to let go.

I always thought spooning was something my boyfriend wanted more than I did.
Don't misunderstand me, I love spooning - I've just never felt I needed it.
Most don't truly know their position on spooning until the option is not given to them - now, I realize I was trippin'.

My name is Joey and I am the little spoon.

This may become a prerequisite question before I accept a date: "Do you spoon?" "No?" "Nice meeting you."

I mean, come on, allowing someone I kind of like to spend the night is a big deal. I don't care if I am 29, my bed is a special place and very few people have been invited to it. I may not want it to lead to anything, but I like the awkwardness that arises while watching someone you like remove most of their clothing without ripping them off and doing the nasty. It may be one of the few moments that remain from adolescence and the first times you bared your body. I find there is some sweet innocence in seeing someone disrobe without intending to take them.

Nudity without sex, and spooning, creates a kind of intimacy that I cannot begin to describe.
I won't even try, except to say that I miss it. But, with time, I will have it again.
I'm going to need some serious spooning this semester. Damn thesis.

If only...

2010-08-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm amused by how surprised people are (girls and boys alike) when they ask if I have a boyfriend and I say "No".
I thought about just saying yes simply to avoid all the questions that follow, but then I realized someone may get the wrong idea about me.

*Comic from http://www.limpek.com/future-of-dating/

Sex and the Significant Other

2010-06-10T21:09:00.000-07:00

*I began this post back in September and have been too busy :) to finish.

Until recently, I assumed all relationships were the same - filled with sex.

I mean, I don't make it a habit of thinking about other people's sex lives, but something my friend told me the other day really struck a chord with me.

He said, "Relationships are different for people; some (pointing to me) are looking for lots of sex and others are looking for companionship."

To which I replied, "Shouldn't relationships be filled with equal amounts of both?"

He smiled and said, "That's the dream."

From a previous conversation that sparked the one above, I discovered that there are women past the age of 19 (the age I believe women should stop making a timeline for sex, ie. like when you're in High School and tell your boyfriend you want to wait a year until you sleep with him) who withhold sex in relationships.
Now I ask you, is it just me or is this weird?

Though it is of no surprise that women have used sex as a platform to maintain power over men for ages, I find it disheartening that there are women who still utilize this "power" as a form of manipulation in intimate and committed relationships. Would this so-called "power" be used in a simple situation of taking (read: having a sugar daddy) where the exchange of sex unequivocally means an exchange of power, then I would be more understanding - supportive even. If it was in a situation where no care/like/love was involved, then I would be more than supportive of these moves - a girl's gotta eat, you know. However, I can't in good conscious support a woman who abuses this "power" in a relationship where she is said to care/like/love a man as her equal.

I cannot support it because by doing so she reduces her man from being her equal to being her dependent.
She purposely tilts the scales to become unbalanced in her favor. She is only looking out for her needs, and no one elses.

Plus, it's just plain mean.

These are the same women who want their man to buy them everything, even the stuff they can buy themselves, and who never pull out their wallets when it's time to pay for dinner.

Rejection of advances, sexual or otherwise, should not be a part of relationships.
I believe when two people (or whatever number you choose...different strokes) are in a committed relationship they should be open to suggestion and not closed off to experience.
When one party cares enough to make a move, the receiving party should care enough to welcome it and reciprocate.
Isn't that what relationships are all about?
Why else would anyone restrict their sexual adventures to one person if that one person wasn't going to be adventurous with them?
What's the purpose of withholding sex if you love someone?

This should be the best sex of your life!
Complete, trusting, adventurous, silly, sweet.
It should be all yesses.
It shouldn't have to be fought for.
Or worse, purchased.

I understand special circumstances, i.e. pain, no energy, too drunk (this one makes me sad), but to withhold without reason simply because you don't feel like it, well, kind of sucks. Maybe these people should find better sexual matches instead of expecting their significant others to adjust to their needs.

This is along the same lines as when a man becomes unappreciative of his woman and takes her for granted, i.e. not doing anything sweet, being an ass and still expecting sex.

Since that conversation, I've noticed this scenario quite frequently with random people and it's weird. Yes, it's none of my business (I don't say anything) but I can't help but think that it states without stating that those situations are not of reciprocity but of getting over.

I've always been a curious person; sometimes to the point of trouble (you live and you learn).
I wonder how things would feel, I wonder how things would go, but I think it's safe to say that this is one thing I will not be curious to try.

I'm not that kind of girlfriend.

The Ex Conversation

2010-03-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

Now that I've entered the dating world (It's fucking fabulous - thank you for asking), I've come face-to-face with a subject that many people (as I'm learning) feel the need to put on the table: the exes - specifically the one that came right before.

Now, I've only had a handful of official boyfriends (most of whom had only had 1 or 2 girlrfriends before me except my last one who had the most & this was years ago) so I've never been in a position were it mattered because, unlike me, most people choose to never talk to their exes again (which I have addressed in previous posts).

Now, I ask: Why?
Why do people feel this conversation needs to happen?

As long as you're here now, I personally could not care less about your past.

Hopefully, you've learned substantially from past relationships and they shaped you into a better person (not someone who keeps contacting your ex when they've repeatedly asked you not to - jesus).

And yet, there are people who need to have this conversation.
My advice: "Just say no".
It has no place in the new situation (whatever it may be).
Many think "the talk" won't have any negative effect, but the truth of the matter is, we're human and that means being subject to overwhelming emotions that we sometimes cannot control.
On top of that, there are many folks who want to think they discovered "you" - that the land has had no previous owners or developers (I like the second word) - and can't handle knowing the past.
Plus, it's not a good sign if the only way two people bond are over conversations about other people.

Some exchange stories of the exes thinking it will be a wonderful learning experience; that if they know a little bit about the others past (not necessarily the exes part), then it would serve to build a better foundation.
There are some folks who can do this without batting an eyelash, but most cannot handle it.

However, there are exceptions.
Sometimes people share stories of the "crazy" ex (though when you know the person better the ex doesn't sound as crazy as originally thought) because both parties recently exited the situation and have similar hurts that can be understood. It's like therapy - you talk about the stuff you need to to move on and because both of you are feeling almost identical emotions of disappointment and failure, it doesn't have a negative effect on anything (at least, I don't think so).

I also think talking about the past as an example in a specific story never hurt anyone either, but again, this is a once-in-a-while situation. It's never a good thing if every example holds an ex.

But, I digress.
The ex conversation is a "no-no".

I mean, think about it.
As it goes now, lots of folks have an unhealthy (the way I see it) fixation on the last boy/girlfriend and the new boy/girlfriend.
The person in the new relationship is concerned with the last boy/girl their significant other had and the last person is fixated on the new boy/girl the old significant other has. It's a horrible cycle that must be broken, I tell you!
Thankfully for me, I've never been on the receiving end of a break-up speech so it doesn't matter who my ex is with next.

But, my point is (after various examples): It's never a good a idea to build something new with old parts - that only works on cars and electronics (yay, for refurbished products).

happiness is a four-letter word

2010-01-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

because, apparently, true happiness is offensive.

and i'm offending lots of people out there.
good for me.

you should be, too.
good for you in advance.

just words

2009-12-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

its rhythm rocks me to sleep when i'm alone
keeping time with its steady speed, i count the days since i left
listening intently as it tries to tell me what i already know, i try to hear something new

but my heart.
it still moves.

slowly.
it paces on.
quickly.
it palpitates on the idea of a return.

but, still, my heart.
it moves.

Cold Case Warms Up

2009-11-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, October 4th, the San Francisco Police Department received an anonymous tip regarding a fugitive authorities have attempted to capture for years - Love.

Witnesses state Love was seen walking down the streets of the Nob Hill area at approximately 12:30am. One eye witness states Love met up with an unknown companion at the intersection of Mason and Sutter where they met in a warm embrace and walked off together.

This was a major break in the case because Love has been on the run since the late days of December in 2005 when the fugitive fled Los Angeles to the state of New York and ran off the radar.

While residing in New York, Love had no known address or place of employment which led authorities to believe that unknown hooligans had been harboring the fugitive and became that much more difficult to capture.
Authorities had hit a wall in the search and began to speculate that the suspect would never be found until the Summer of 2008 when witnesses reported they spotted Love, once again, running around the Los Angeles area spending a substantial amount of time in the city of Arcadia and Long Beach area.
After some investigation, our detectives were led to believe that it had not been Love but it's doppelganger, Lust.

It was not until it was too late that authorities discovered that they had the fugitive in their grips because it was, in fact, Love under the guise of flashy Lust as to not get caught.

But authorities learned far too late for, once again, Love had fled.

After a few investigational errors, authorities have been able to confirm that Love is living in the city of San Francisco and frequents the Pacific Heights, Civic Center, Downtown and Embarcadero areas. We have increased our man power and assure you that we will not stop until Love has been captured and finally brought to justice for fleeing arms and breaking hearts.

***UPDATE***
On Saturday, November 7th, authorities received word that Love had been spotted entering Edinburgh Castle surrounded by a crowd of people.
Not willing to lose another chance at catching this fugitive, authorities jumped in after Love.
It took some time, for Love was in the arms of many and in the faces of all, but, in the end, authorities were successful in their capture because there, amongst a sea of smiles, Love had finally been found.

Nov 4th is the best day of the year

2009-11-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

So I'm sharing with you one of my favorite memories of this year.

Thinking back, walking up Pacaya, an active volcano in Guatemala, wasn't the brightest thing to do, but, if it had to happen at that moment, it would have been a really cool way to die.

Halloween Outing

2009-11-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

On Saturday we drove up north to Petaluma to conquer the amazing corn maze.
It was so much fun...the bottle of Jim Beam we carried with us did not help :)

Not sure how long we were in there, but it was at least a good 45 minutes.
Good times.

i am fucking random

2009-10-28T19:11:00.001-07:00

I cannot wait for the holiday season.

The best memories I have are the ones I create during these months.
I've always been the happiest from the beginning of Fall through the transition into Winter - definitely has to do with the cold weather.

The city is so lovely right now.
When I left last weekend, the city was hot.
Now that I've returned I feel the change of the impending crispness to come.

Plus, the Bay Bridge is closed indefinitely because of a crappy repair job last month and there aren't as many cars in the city.
It feels oh so very nice not sharing my city and not feeling cramped.

Though togetherness is always nice, too.
You know what I miss most about having a boyfriend?
Getting to have sex with my best friend.
I haven't really felt that way since 2004, even though last year was a whiff of that lovely air.

Although I'm not entirely in the mood for a relationship - it's a nice idea but that would require so much that I just can't give right now - there are moments I do miss having a counterpart.
That sounds weird because it's not like I don't feel whole - it's quite the opposite, actually.
I feel so complete that the desire to share this feeling is palpable.

Now that I think of it, the best and longest relationship I've had was born when I was the busiest.
I was 19 and R.A. at State.
4 classes, Bi-Weekly Meetings, R.A. duties - I was all over the place. I didn't have time for anything.
And yet, there I was - doing everything.

Dude! My Republican friend, Nick - he's not really a Republican, I just call him that because we're all politics - told me about this site called StumbleUpon and I am HOOKED! It takes you to random sites it thinks you will love and then you give that site a thumbs up or down and you'll receive the sites accordingly. It's so random - I absolutely love it!

I totally went off on a tangent - i'm high...my mind goes down where it needs to go, you know...

Random fact about me: Once upon a time, in a life where the first fantasies of forever were born, I was married on the Serengeti by the Maassei tribe while the sun set down on the earth gently leaving it's echo of light.

His idea.

How could I say "no" to that?

the images that make up my life

2009-10-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I rode my bike to the Palace of Fine Arts for the very first time.
There were only about 4 blocks left to go when it happened.
I'm peddling down the street with growing excitement in the air and wind in my hair when it begins to get difficult.
Each push of my feet feels tougher and tougher.
I was on level land so it couldn't possibly be the road.
Then a horrible thought popped into my head - "I am tired" - but I didn't feel tired until just that moment.
For whatever reason, I looked down at the road, then at my tires, and discovered the back tire was as flat as an ironing board.
I was so upset.
But not a real way - I mean, come on, it made me think all my gym time had gone to waste.
It has not.

I walked my bike the rest of the way and enjoyed a lovely afternoon reading under sunshine, watching ducks waddle, and smiling at dogs as they zoomed past me.
I still love my sad little bike because it was a gift from my friend Nikki who went back home to Germany - miss her.

I've decided that I love my toes.

Not like I hated them, but there were times were smaller ones were mildly desired.

On Friday (?) I was tripping out and stared at my feet for what seemed like an eternity and was just in complete awe of these things.

I'd bend and straighten my toes watching each one purposefully come back to its original position.

I'd wiggle them slowly - like a dreamy hello.

I thought about how my feet have held me up for almost 29 years and the strength they've needed to carry me through the 3 cities I've lived in and the countless others I've visited.

My feet are silent heroes.

I'm going to make them a medal in the form of a toe-ring.

When my afternoon was over, I walked my bike down Lombard and up that damn hill back home.
It was a good walk.

Life is beautiful.

i am fucking random

2009-10-08T00:36:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be typing a Political Science paper arguing elite behavior and mass opinion and yet I continue to press keys.
I'm letting you know right now, this doesn't matter to anyone but me; and I'm writing it anyway.

I don't know why this popped in my mind.
How does anything just pop in your mind? The idea must be there lingering, waiting for you to acknowledge it.
I guess it came to the forefront because I'm totally happy right now. God, I'm saying it so much that it's even getting annoying to me. But I like it because it's a "like" kind of happy. But, again, I don't "like" anyone right now. But even so I still find myself feeling like I do.
Does that make any sense?
I'm just totally crushin' right now and it makes me feel so good.

Anyway, back to the random part.
So, I'm turning 29 next month and realized that year 28 is going to be the first time I haven't chosen a boyfriend in a calendar year: 11-4-08 to 11-4-09.

I've broken it down for you:

First boyfriend: 15-17
"College" boy: 18
Serious College boyfriend: 19-23
After college boy: 24-27
Real life boy: 27

I've found a boy worthy of having this (hehe) every year but this one. Year 28.
I'm not saying I haven't shared company with some nice boys but I've never purposely avoided relationships for this long until this past year.

That's quite feat for a dreamer like me.

Now I find myself singing love songs and fluttering around like I've found someone when I'm the only person in the room.

One of the songs I have on repeat is "Daydreamer" (of course!) by Adele - what I have playing right now.

"Daydreamer, sittin' on the seat
Soaking up the sun he is a
Real lover, makin' up the past and feeling up his girl like he's never felt her figure before
Jaw dropper
Looks good when he when he walks, he is the subject of their talk
He would be hard to chase, but good to catch and he could change the world with his hands behind his back, Oh

You can find him sittin' on your doorstep
Waiting for the surprise
It will feel like he's been there for hours
And you can tell that he'll be there for life

Daydreamer, with eyes that make you melt
He lends his coat for shelter because he's there for you when he shouldn't be
But he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through
There's no way I could describe him
All I say is, just what I'm hoping for

But I will find him sittin' on my doorstep
Waiting for the surprise
It will feel like he's been there for hours
And I can tell he'll be there for life
And I can tell he'll be there for life"

I like it because it's about my man.
You know, the one I haven't met yet.
But will.

That's going to be fucking awesome. No exclamation point needed.
You know what I mean.
And if you don't, don't worry, you will.

We all will.

I promise.

my month of (alcohol) sobriety

2009-10-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.
Where do I begin...

Well, allow me to start off by saying, I like to drink.
I take full on pleasure in using this sweet liquid substance.

However, for whatever reason, as many known as unknown, I decided that I would not drink alcohol for the entire month of September.

I'm amused that I would think an "entire month" would seem to be a significant amount of time to stop consuming alcohol. Little did I know other people were doing this very same thing. Apparently there's something called "Sober September"; a month in which guilt-ridden Catholics (a word of my choosing) take a month off of drinking due to all the sin of summer. I've recently discoverd I've got the guilt in me as well and I didn't even know it! Ain't that a bitch?
Anyway, this month has shown to have two purposes, 1) to give my beloved liver a rest, and 2) to rid myself of this thing called guilt. It's a dirty, filthy feeling. One that cannot be scrubbed away. It must pulled out with an iron grip from the inside in order to finally be released. It's been fun.

These 30 days have experienced a removal of one of my favorite parts of my daily routine - Wine at home. A happy hour with folks. Nighttime group drinking. It's just endless.

It's been interesting to be out and not have a drink in my hand. At first, I felt like something was missing; not naked, but not fully dressed either. However I must say, I didn't completely miss it. Actually, there were only 2 times I craved alcohol, 1) at the beginning of the month when I wanted a huge glass of red wine, and 2) at the Mayer Hawthorne show when I wanted a vodka soda with my delicious 3 cherries to cool me down because it was so f*ing hot inside the Rickshaw Stop.

Anyway, during this time I've discovered what I enjoy about alcohol is not just the effect that it creates - that loud potency I keep in check that weighs so deep and heavy in my stomach that my body just has to give in to the feeling and then slithers its way out of me heading towards my desire - though that would be enough for me, it seems to be more than this.

What I enjoy most is the feeling I get from that first drink - that crisp, refreshing rush of that cold white wine, beer, or vodka soda with 3 cherries that makes me go "Ahh".

It's been a good month.
I'm sleeping ever so soundly (alcohol fucks with your deep sleep patterns) and just feel good all around.
Now I'm not saying I'm going to quit drinking for good or drink myself into oblivion - my father didn't bless me with his liver for nothing - but it's nice to be reassured of the thought that alcohol is an accessory and not a necessity. Example in point: LoveFest - I was completely sober and still insanely happy.

I just think it's funny I that I had to stop drinking to know for sure. :)

9-29-2009

2009-09-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

Take me.
I'm yours.

I won't go anywhere this time.
I promise.

09-09-09

2009-09-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

today is supposed to mean something, but i've learned that when love is in the air every day means something.

the images that make up my life

2009-09-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

Last month, one of my best friends came to San Francisco and stayed with me for a week.
She's a nanny and the family was here on vacation so they brought her with them. Because we had opposite schedules, I only got to spend one afternoon with her and the kids - which was ok with me because, just like them, I lose interest quickly and look for other things to entertain me. On this afternoon, we let one of my favorite places in the whole world, Golden Gate Park, do the entertaining.

I love this one - he's looking at me like I'm a stranger and not someone who just shot an entire roll of him smiling and laughing his head off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The city was so wonderful this weekend.
The Bay Bridge has been closed for 4 days now and the only people who are on the peninsula are the people who live on it.
It was lovely to walk on half-deserted streets empty from the lack of bridge people.
It's like when friends and family visit - you love having them, but you love it even more when they go back.
It made me think of New York because, even though I lived in Astoria *raise up!*, I think people who live in Manhattan would love it if all the bridges, tunnels, and public transportation shut down; you'd hear a collective sigh of relief when they realized the island is theirs again.
That's how I felt - the city was mine again.

On Saturday, I spent a delightful afternoon reading about the science that is politics at my neighborhood greenery, Alta Plaza Park. I was only able to hang out until about 5pm because, in perfect San Francisco fashion, the fog had rolled in and I had to seek sanctuary.

Life is beautiful.

i love my friends

2009-09-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

that is all.