Now…he’s been teasing me and testing me and telling me he was going to get me a gift card instead of buying a ring because he didn’t want to pick out something I wouldn’t like.  So I said, “Are you serious?!?!” and he just nods and waits for me to answer.  He prompts me to open the gift card and I see that it says $1200 on it.  So I’m like, “But the mall will be closed by the time we get back home!  I can’t go shopping!”  And he’s like, “I’m glad you said yes, otherwise I would’ve had to use THIS as a backup plan” and pulls a ring box out of his pocket.

The gift card was FAKE!!  He bought me the same style ring that I had picked out a while back, but he upgraded it to the next bigger setting!  So he puts it on my finger and tells me he loves me and kisses me and I’m all giddy!  It was perfect.  He also has the wedding bands to go with it, so when the time comes it will be a complete matching set (engagement ring and 2 wedding bands…one on either side of the engagement ring).

The perfect Halloween!  And I’m sure that Vickie (Will’s mom) was with us in spirit because this was her favorite holiday, so I know she’d approve

Yes, I want to give up.  Will I?  Probably not, even though the stress of everything is really going to burn me out.

I just started an online class today and the homework assignments are out of this world ridiculous!  Stuff due EVERY day almost.  I realize that online classes take a lot of time and effort, but they are getting more and more crazy every term!  You’d think I would learn and just stop taking them.  Maybe in the future I will.  If I continue to go, that is.

I’m sure none of this is being helped by the fact that I am sick and irritable today.

It just feels like I’m doing this all for nothing.  Especially when I don’t know what I want to do with my life, career-wise.  In a perfect world I could just do my Pure Romance parties and make huge amounts of money and not have to worry about anything anymore.  But, it’s not a perfect world and I am stuck with 2 degrees and a dead end retail job (that I actually enjoy MOST of the time).  One I really start bringing in the income with PR, I hope to be able to re-evaluate things.

In the meantime, I’m super stressed and it’s making me sick…mentally and physically.  I have so much on my plate and I have yet to figure out a good way to stay sane and organized with all of it.  Especially since I procrastinate until the last minute with most of my school stuff.

Oh!  And the college hasn’t even released my financial aid info yet, so I don’t know how much I am getting or how much in student loans I need to take out (to add to the $17,000 I already have…).  Classes start tomorrow (for online segments) and I don’t even know how I’m paying or how much I technically owe!  Talk about STRESSFUL!

Maybe I’m the one who needs a therapist, not the one who should BE one.  I have so much to be happy and thankful for, yet I dwell on the negativity and stressful aspects.  What’s wrong with me?

Yesterday morning I texted Will and told him, “When I get home from work, we will unpack and make it comfy and nice where both of us can feel at home” in regards to all the boxes of his stuff we recently (finally!) brought over from his dad’s house.  And his only response was, “I feel at home when I’m with you.”  Which of course just melted my heart.  He is more patient and kind and loving than anyone I have ever met and I feel completely blessed to have him in my life.  You really have no idea.  I love that boy more than anything.

Life is good.  Life is happy.  I am happy.

To satiate you (ha) I leave you with photos from our camping trip up north with my parents and sister! (more at flickr)

Will, me and my sister, Brandi, riding the hotdog tube. I was slightly inebriated. haha.

Another thing that I’ve been doing is reframing my negative thoughts, which is a cognitive behavior therapy technique. I’m really surprised that I hadn’t started doing this sooner, especially since I took a class in it a few semesters ago! Anyway, the precipice of reframing and changing the self-talk (thoughts you think to yourself such as “I’m fat” or “I’m no good”, etc) is to stop the negative thinking cycle.

I’ve begun using this technique almost daily. Before I would get so stressed out and anxiety ridden when I thought about everything I had to do that day and how I never have free time and how depressing it all was. For example, I might wake up one morning and realize that I have to work, and then I have an appointment, and then I have to go intern for a few hours before coming home to make dinner and do homework. I realize that means I will have no time for myself and I will be bouncing from one responsibility to the next. In the past I would dwell on that all day until I was sick with stress and anxiety, literally.

Now, if I find myself in that situation, I will allow myself to run through my to do list mentally for a moment or two, and then I refocus on the here and now. Instead of thinking about how I will be running around from 6am until 8pm, I focus on the current task at hand. I go to work and concentrate on doing my best and getting through my shift. I don’t allow myself to think past that point until I clock out and am ready to take on the next task or appointment. At that point, I put my work day behind me and focus on the next thing, which might be an appointment I have to be at. And I do this for each thing throughout the day in order to get myself through everything without becoming stressed or nauseous or grumpy.

Whenever I find myself focusing or dwelling on something that makes me feel unwell or unsettled, I reframe my thoughts and focus on the things I can control or have to deal with in that moment. There is no point in stressing over something I have to do next week because I have no control over it right now. Stressing will only make me nauseous and agitated, which then puts me in a bad mood and that effects not only myself, but those around me.

It has been an enlightening experience to be able to do this and continue doing this each day so as to eliminate the stress in my life. It all sounds so simple, but I had become so used to stress and over analyzing and focusing on all the negative things or the long list of things that needed to be done. Being able to confront my self-talk (“I have so much crap to do today, I’ll never get it done. I’m so stressed out and never have time for anything fun.”) and being able to reframe those negative thoughts and feelings has made a huge impact on how I feel.

I’m thinking that between the work I am doing internally with the cognitive behavior techniques and the herbal supplements I am taking, I feel ten times better than I did just a few weeks ago. I knew I had to make some changes. I was not feeling like myself and that scared me. Thankfully these adjustments have made the difference I was seeking.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  I cannot tell you why just yet, but please do so.  I don’t want to jinx myself!  I’ll tell you more Thursday evening if all goes well.

Um…interning this week is somehow wearing me out.  Probably because I’m down to the last few weeks (only about 30 hours left) and the main project I’m working on is basically complete thus far and I’m bored.  Tomorrow I get to attend a meeting for the project I’m doing, and then next week I’m volunteering all day at a golf tournament for charity.  Other than that, it’s just a lot of sitting around haha.  I love the organization I intern at, I just don’t have much to do anymore.

Hate feeling anxious.  Hate it.  I stopped taking my anti-anxiety meds, though, because they were constantly making me nauseous and I really don’t think they were helping.  Bummer.  Plus I don’t have health insurance now so it’s a good thing I’m not really on any medications, so to speak.

Yesterday was my court date for the divorce.  It went by quickly and painlessly and I know we both agree we are better off.  Happier.  And that’s all I ever really wanted.  Who knows whether or not we will turn into some bitter divorcees.  I suppose time will tell.  It’s the end of a very long chapter of my life, and at least I have a lot of fond memories to look back on so as not to feel as if all time was wasted.  Although I’m sure that’s how he feels.  There’s no convincing him otherwise, and I suppose that’s his decision.  Oh well.

Here’s to getting through this week without being extremely overburdened with stress and anxiety!  I need summer vacation like you wouldn’t believe.

Over the years, I still find that I love that song.  When I hear it, I sing from the heart and often get choked up and find it hard to sing in pitch.  It takes me back to a time when life was easier, life was calmer and I had eyes full of excitement and energy.  It makes me think of good times and happy places and the people who meant the world to me.

However, I find that I don’t exactly relate to it the way that I used to anymore.  I wasn’t sure what my “life song” was until recently.  And as much as I tried not to like it…the song “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus (I know, right?!) has seeped into my body and my heart and I know that this will be the next “life song” for this portion of my life.

I can almost see it, That dream I am dreaming, But there’s a voice inside my head saying, “You’ll never reach it” …

It makes me feel as if I’m not alone in the fact that I wanted something different than what I was used to for so long…that I had difficult decisions to make and that I was about to encounter my next “mountain”.  As much as I struggled to get to where I am right now in this moment, I did it and I am proud of myself for persevering and going after what I wanted, even if it means starting over at the age of 25.  Someone once told me that there was no such thing as “complete happiness”, and maybe they were right, but there is such thing as being happier in one stage of your life than you were in another.  And I am.

The struggles I’m facing, The chances I’m taking, Sometimes might knock me down, But no, I’m not breaking …

I’m graduating from college in less than two weeks with my second degree.  And although it’s not a Bachelor Degree, it will be eventually.  I have faith in the choices I have made to get to where I am in my education.  I don’t get down on myself for throwing four years of education in Accounting down the drain.  It wasn’t going to make me happy.  My redirection in the field I am persuing now is something that I feel passionate about.  And if you know me, you know why.  You know the love and faith that I have for my sisters, Brittanie and Brandi, and you know that I would do anything to help them through the struggles they’ve seen and are still experiencing.  It is my goal to work with children and youth…to guide them and show them someone cares, so that they don’t feel lost on a neverending road.  So that they don’t turn to drugs and addiction. I couldn’t change it for my sisters, but I want to change it for someone else.

I may not know it, But these are the moments that, I’m gonna remember most, yeah, Just gotta keep going, And I, I got to be strong, Just keep pushing on…

Another challenge and “mountain” (per say) that I have climbed and overcome recently is my own dependence with prescription pain killers.  After being diagnosed with a painful immune deficiency a year and a half ago and being put on pain killers for that amount of time, I just stopped.  I stopped taking them.  It’s been a week today since I had a Vicodin, and I know that may not seem like much to any of you…but having been on them so long and taken anywhere from 2 to 8 Vicodin each day…going cold turkey and being able to stay away from the full bottle I have sitting 10 feet from me IS a big deal.  I went through the typical symptoms of withdrawal and detox and I made it to the end of that tunnel.

Keep on moving, keep climbing, Keep the faith, baby, It’s all about, it’s all about the climb, Keep the faith, keep your faith …

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