“We are not sure where this leaked memo came from and at this moment, we aren’t even sure whether it is an official Republican Party memo at all,” said Shawna Henderson, party spokesperson for Alaska, “we are still verifying the authenticity of the document and only when we are able to officially prove its authenticity will we be able to comment.” The memo in question was sent by George W. Bush to John McCain in early August. According to the memo, Sarah Palin was planning to sue the state of Texas for what it did to her son. She also planned to sue Bush. In a desperate attempt to ensure that his last few months in office and hassle-free and to ensure that his retirement isn’t troubled, Bush suggested that McCain select Palin as running mate. This, the memo said, would “stop her from mussing around no more.”
Meanwhile, sources say that the Democrats are planning to launch a no holds barred, all-out campaign against McCain and Palin. Obama is believed to have mentioned that, “they don’t really need us to make fun of them do they; what’s amazing is that even though they shoot themselves in the foot all the time, they’re still gun nuts.”
]]>Sabine Begall, one of the German scientists credited with this discovery said that she was immensely relieved that her discovery made sense to someone. “I was tired of all the jokes that I was hearing about my obsession with watching cows on Google Earth,” she said, “people forget that all great discoveries start with some amount of stupidity.” Begall said that she was not surprised that India was the first country to put her discovery to use. “Those guys are champs, I mean I started watching cows on Google Earth only a couple of years ago,” she said, “those guys have been doing it for centuries; I’m surprised actually that they didn’t make this discovery first.”
Begall has been invited to speak at the Shipping Association of India’s annual dinner. “I am extremely flattered that they would invite me as their chief guest and I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she said. When asked whether she plans to prepare anything for the dinner, she said, “Of course! I would need to figure out which end of the cow faces north and which end south before they actually send out their ships.”
]]>The advertisement in question depicts a Catholic school principal educating villagers through the use of a cellular phone. The cell phone connects the school teacher with several students in different remote villages. The campaign also includes an ad that depicts village men reciting grace before their afternoon meal. The ad has been severely criticised by the protestors and their leaders who see it as encouraging their enemies. There has been no decision from the company regarding withdrawing the commercial as a result of the attacks against their offices and employees.
There have been no reports of any injury to the employees at the company’s offices. Security forces are already stretched in their attempts at keeping the mobs away from any more violence. The authorities have no announced whether they will be requesting more help from the centre in their attempt to bring the state back to a state of “as normal as it gets.” Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he will personally visit the victims in order to offer his help and prayers. There is not a single person in the state of Orissa who thought this “idea” was anything other than sheer lunacy.
]]>Rajeev Memohtra, company spokesperson for Crissler said that this was an excellent opportunty for a synergy between the champion and the company and there are no real negatives from the assignment. “You have to realise that we can not show Bindra shooting on television because it would lead to terror in the audiences minds,” Mehmotra said, “and we do not want to get into trouble with the authorities if young children start emulating the action on the screen; this is a happy middle ground.” Bindra said that he was not too concerned with the result of the endorsement even though it wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. “Indian audiences are not used to seeing such radical ideas on television so we have to introduce these concepts to them gradually.”
The TV commercial will now have Bindra using the cricket bat to “shoot” out his opponenets on the way to Olympics glory. The company feels that this is an excellent way for them to make people understand what the Olympics is about. “You have to understand that 99% of the Indian population aren’t 100% clear on the concept of Olympics glory,” Mehmotra said, “this way we can establish tha Olympics is a sporting event, similar to cricket.” The commercial is expected to hit screen during the festive season beginning in October.
]]>Beef Vindaloo: Why 6:50am?
Kalpen Surendra: That is the precise time that the last British ship left India’s soil.
BF: Why poor quality audio cassetes?
KS: Because CDs and iPods are part of the evil Western culture that are trying to erode our national heritage and we must not support them.
BF: So audio cassettes were invented in India?
KS: Yes. Along with tape players but the Japanese stole our ideas. We think Bose had something to do with it.
BF: The American speaker company?
KS: No the other one.
BF: Are people who want to sleep in on a holiday not patriotic?
KS: No.
BF: In a free country, wouldn’t it be nice for people to be able to comfortably nurse their hangovers?
KS: No. Our freedom fighters and all those who lay down their lives for the country never had an opportunity to drink. They lay down their lives so that we can drink freely so therefore we are not allowed to do so. In fact, liquor is against our heritage.
BF: Are you serious?
KS: Yes. I do not joke. It is against our culture and heritage.
BF: Did you ever consider that people might want to kill you?
KS: I am not afraid of terrorists.
BF: Not terrorists… the people you wake up with the music.
KS: Those people are thankful that they are able to wake up to a spirit of patriotism and they can wake up in time for flag hoisting.
BF: Aren’t flag hoisting ceremonies at 10 or 11am? Why do they have to wake up before 7?
KS: To bathe.
BF: Had it occured to you that some people bathe everyday and therefore don’t need a three hour head-start.
KS: Bathing everday is against our culture. Only these soap and deo companies tell people and they believe it. It is part of the Western influence trying to erode our culture.
BF: Why have you never changed the music?
KS: These are the songs that inspired our freedom fighters and therefore it is the best way to remember their memory.
BF: What do you do the rest of the year?
KS: There are 200 public holidays a year. I am up every day playing a different set of music on each of those days. I am a busy man.
BF: Any final words to our readers.
KS: Yes. Jai Maharashtra!
BF: You mean Jai Hind?
KS. No.
Meher Karpatia, a student who walked 1 km from her college to show support for Abhinav Bindra, is one of many Indian citizens who is devastated with the news. “Every step that I took when walking was for Abhinav Bindra,” she said, “I really thought I was playing a part in his ultimate victory.” There are thousands in the city of Chandigarh who now feel cheated that Bindra’s Olympic effort was his own personal glory. “We have been so used to living in reflected glory that it is shocking to hear that a person could achieve personal glory,” said Raghu Rawal, a Chandigarh resident who felt that Bindra’s gold was Chandigarh’s achievement and not Bindra’s own achievement, “how can our nation be expected to move forward if we are going to say that the efforts of these sportspeople is their personal effort.”
The Sport Ministry meanwhile, is looking to cut short the Olympics journey nad bring back some of the Indian continegent. “We have one a medal and we are not a culture that is known to be greedy and so there is not need for the other sportspeople to remain in China,” said a spokesperson for the Indian Sports Ministry, “China and USA are greedy cultures who insist on winning as many medals as they can but that is not the trademark of our heritage, one is enough for us.” The Ministry is looking to bring back all the shooters, rowers, archers and weightlifters. “We will take a decision on the tennis and badminton players at a later stage.” The Sports Ministry is looking to prepare for the 2068 Olympics immediately. “If we can win one gold medals in 60 years then we need to ensure that we maintain the momentum instead of resting on our laurels - we will bring back two gold medals.”
]]>“Do you know that there are over 200 flights flying in and out of Bombay’s airports everyday,” said Suvitha Mukholkar, spokesperson for the Bombay Municipal Corporation, “they are catering to lakhs of passengers every day and every flight has the capacity to serve oxygen to customers should they need it; this is income that they are not only not licensed for but are not paying taxes on.” Mukholkar said that the department will recommend that all airlines operating in Bombay submit applications for licences to operate a service that serves oxygen to customers. The department will verify the conditions under which the service is conducted and only airlines that meet the standards of the department will be issued a licence. “Airlines will also have to submit each aircraft for individual inspection so that we know that all aircrafts meet the high safety standards our citizens deserve.”
Citizens of Bombay have lauded the department for the effective handling of this process. Joseph Gomes, a frequent business traveller said that he was shocked. “I am shocked that airlines have been flouting rules all these years, to think I was being duped as a customer for so long.” Under this directive, all flights through Bombay have been grounded till the investigation is over. “We have the citizens safety in mind,” said Mukholkar, and we will ensure that the investigation is speedy. We can expect the airports to be operational in no more than six months time.”
]]>