Trina Cress | Grow life.

Grief Like Waves

2026-02-23T12:59:00.001-06:00

I'm enjoying February sun on my skin cooled by the breeze, probably tricking me into another layer of sunburn. Reading words about leaving with the background of crashing waves, the soundtrack of the place I have left to. I read an "I love you" text from a friend, and I feel her love and care and it brings tears where there's been none.

It sinks in that all that's left now is life and grief.

No more services to honor Dad or current plans for trips. Just Mom's slow dementia progression and debt to keep digging ourselves out of (a reminder of the other big stressors of our life lately), an ongoing struggle to find our community in it all, and the reality of Dad's absence equally relieving and sad as contradictory as the waves themselves.

I'm fascinated by the riptide as I walk out the tears, the vertical flow of ocean where everything else is horizontal. Beautiful swirls of water left in its wake, the kind that can be dangerous if it wasn't so shallow or you didn't know it was there.

I've heard people say grief is like waves, but the dissociating that helped me cope the last 4 years of my parents' health crises numbs that for me. Currently grief feels more like a gentle wake, a soft parting of water left behind a slow-moving boat. I should be content with that–how lucky for me that I can call grief soft at this moment–but the boat in the metaphor was watching my Dad's wasting body, decaying even before his final breath.

It’s unsettling the ways this grief “should” be leaving giant crashing waves, and may still when the spell of numbing breaks. I feel that darkness too, lurking under the gentle surface.

There is no avoiding, no manipulating this all to be what I want or think it should be. Just, in the now posthumous words of James Van Der Beek: Allow, allow, allow.

Like ocean waves, emotions come and go.
Stress rises and lowers.
Breath enters and leaves our body.
Life (and grief) ebbs and flows.
In.
And out.
This too shall pass.
And return and pass again.

_____

Might start posting more of my "shitty first drafts" (in the words of Anne Lamott). After losing years of these ramblings when Meta deleted my accounts in November, I'm thinking about where I want my words to land.

Til You Can Breathe Again

2019-09-19T22:38:00.003-05:00

When I think about sitting down to write something--because I want to sit down and write something--all the possibility of words tumble around in my brain and jam up my ability to write anything at all. Like the bedding I pulled from the dryer this afternoon, heated mattress cover rolled over and over sheets cocooned inside in a damp ball. No ideas are drying thoroughly around here.

Or something like that. That analogy doesn't land right, but it's better than the other one I shared among friends in July when I talked about my need to write and my inability to find the words lately--I'm creatively constipated. That's the blunt and simple truth.

So I have a moment to get a few words down, but I'm stuck on the laundry sitting around our home in piles that we're in our 3rd week of living out of. I have so much more I want to say about this season, but the laundry piles and the outdated goals sheet displayed in my room since May say it all.

I pick my daughter up from middle school and she asks if we can go to the store for a Reese's peanut butter cup. I kind of brush it off with "yeah, probably sometime." She expounds that's one of her teacher's favorite candybars and she wants to get it for her since the teacher's friend died by suicide. She has the idea to give her the candybar with a card and a drawing of her favorite animal.

My daughter disappears upstairs after doing her homework and returns a bit later, first to ask if I'd look up a picture of a sloth so she can draw something that looks less like a monkey. Then she comes back and slides the finished card on the counter in front of me asking me to read it and let her know what I think.

In it, she tells her teacher about a sermon she heard at church when we visited family in Idaho this summer. It was about suicide and the importance of letting people know how you feel and ask for help when you're feeling low. I had wondered what she'd thought about that sermon or what she took away from it, but didn't have a great opportunity to ask about it then forgot about it soon after. She tells her teacher she's sad for her and wishes that didn't happen and will be praying for her.

She asks me what I thought. I tell her it's so thoughtful and will likely mean a lot to her teacher.

A couple hours later, after going to the store for the candybar and dinner and reading, I tuck my daughter in for the night and her stomach's in knots and hurting because she's afraid of dying in her sleep. We've been working through different versions of this same fear for months.

I remind her of ways to ground herself in truth, because our minds play tricks on us, especially at night, and make fear seem like reality. I remind her she can get the essential oils she likes, she can think about the story in the book she's reading, she can do the things she knows how to do. She tries and sometimes it doesn't seem like enough and I encourage her to not give up, to keep doing what she knows how to do. (We also regularly have conversations to decide if and when to seek professional help for her.)

We pray. For the redirection of her thoughts on truth. For her teacher as she mourns the death of her friend. And I wonder if maybe her jumping to action for her teacher was a little bit about releasing her own fears and anxieties around death. She knows acting on truth is how we show our anxieties where to shove it.

Before school started in August, her anxiety was hitting a depth it hadn't ever reached before. Her panic at night made her hard to calm, her irrational fears couldn't be reasoned with. She had been working on writing a new book and asked if she could read it to me. I didn't even try to stop the tears as I heard her share her story describing her anxiety and how she coped with it. So wise, honest, and in touch for anyone let alone my 11-year-old.

She goes to her happy place in her mind, which is often school, and when that happy place is in jeopardy (like when she didn't know what to expect before school started at her new middles school), there's nothing left to fight off the anxiety. It grows and takes over like mold on bread. That's how she described it. I ache for her, my sweet baby girl. And I can relate.

Today, I asked someone what helps her destress--when life weighs on her, what helps her be able to breathe again.

I have been feeling my own need for a release. The tension building inside of me--from stress, including the good kind, and holding it all together. Without the proper outlets even the things that bring us great joy and give our lives great meaning can weigh us down and leave us at a loss for what to do with it all.

As the words jumbled in my mind this evening and I wanted to open Notes on my phone or post something on Instagram or open a notebook and put pen to paper, I realized I can breathe again when I write.

Not to over-simplify very complex things, but that's really what I want to say with all of these words. Suicide and anxiety and tackling work-life balance and change of seasons in life are big things. Most of them too big for me to tackle ever, let alone in a blog post. But this I can ask: What can you do in this moment to breathe more freely?

Take a walk to get fresh air, ask for a hug, vent to a friend over coffee?

This evening my daughter wrote her teacher a card that included a drawing of a sloth, baked some muffins, and read a book.

I posted the current state of my life in my Insta Stories, folded the laundry in my room (nevermind what's on the couches, I had to start somewhere), and sat here writing something. And I can breathe again.

Your answer may not solve everything, but it's a worthwhile place to start:

What will help you breathe today?

>>>

also see:
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finding calm after the jump
where life happens

Finding Calm after the Jump

2019-06-04T21:50:00.001-05:00

Anxiety has been brewing inside me. Like the time I stood on a rock cliff staring down at the water more than 30 feet below. It's the classic choice of giving into anxiety and stumbling back down the path that got me here, or not letting anxiety boss me around and jumping anyway.

When the choice was about a literal jump off a literal cliff into literal water, nerves and fear twisted my stomach in knots and grew louder in my ears the longer I stood there. Still, standing there "forever" really turned out to be just a couple minutes, I could see the water I would be landing in, and after jumping it was all over in the matter of seconds.

My nerves settled just as soon as I jumped, and I was full of equal parts pride and relief to have made the jump. That settling of nerves is exactly what I've been waiting for over the last few years, and just haven't been able to find. Until recently.

It started when my middle kid went to kindergarten. This mom of three grew accustomed to chaos over my years of motherhood with my passionate kids. My oldest two now spent most the day in school, and the house became strangely quiet with just me and my toddler at home.

You'd think I'd love the break in the chaos, and I kind of did. Yet, along with the quiet came an unnerving sense of alarm. I'd spent years lost in my purpose at home and feeling like these needy babies would never not need me. Now here I was sobered by the reality of how quickly my 9- and 6-year-olds were moving on and that I hadn't spent enough, or any, time preparing for that.

I became more and more uncertain of my future; my identity and purpose were now all wrapped up in home and my kids. Fear twisted my stomach in knots and grew louder in my ears the longer I wondered what was next for me after almost a decade of being stay-at-home-mom.

Over the last couple months especially, as I looked into a specific job opportunity, I felt like I was standing at that cliff edge all over again. I felt a strong urge to jump, to quickly leap from my life as stay-at-home-mom into the working world. But jumping in life is often a much slower process. I worked on my resume, I did the interview, I even got the job. Each step my nerves only grew, fueling my urge to jump.

That's when I realized it was the landing, not the jumping, that held the release of nerves and anxiety I longed for. So as I went through the stages of the jump, I had only to wait in the uncertainty for the landing.

That's where I am now. I landed. I jumped from the life I've known for 10 years as a stay-at-home-mom into a new reality as a working mom. And I am full of equal parts pride and relief to have made this jump.

There is still plenty I'm figuring out for my future (like learning my new job). I'm also still in the middle of processing and reflecting on the decade of mothering young kids that I'm leaving behind. I'm sure that nostalgia will really hit me when our baby goes to kindergarten this fall.

But for now, I'm just so incredibly grateful. For the years of financial sacrifice that have granted me the privilege of being fulltime childcare provider for my kids through their little years. For countless precious memories that far outweigh all of the challenges. For incredible lessons and growth that only comes in thriving through hard things.

For the adventure of the jump, anxiety-inducing and nerve-racking as it may be.

When all's said and done, I wouldn't want to live life any other way.

>>>

also see:
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where life happens
returning home to myself
grow your life emails

Where LIFE Happens

2019-05-16T15:51:00.003-05:00

What gives you LIFE?

In the fall, I got a new journal with green leaves etched over a black background and gold foil script on the front. The simple cover of that journal brought me so much life at a time when I desperately wanted more LIFE. The important kind written in big letters with vibrant lines drawn around it.

Life not just for the sake of surface level happiness. But for the sake of deep healing joy; of stepping wholly into the beautiful person God created me to be; of celebrating when others step in to who God created them to be; of living this wild and precious life with deep faith and trust covered in deep peace, contentment, and gratitude.

For the sake of being able to take a deep breath and just know that I am whole and wholly loved, not for anything I've done but for simply being in the One who made me who I am.

Sounds lovely, right?

I thought so.

The day-to-day logistics of living with more LIFE can trip me up if I'm not intentional. I know because I've been there many times before. I'll go through my days feeling little glimmers of a spark of life in me, but it disappears just as quickly as it came.

During a fog in my life that kept diffusing these sparks, a friend sent me a beautiful little strip of birch bark. All dried out, it makes the perfect kindling for a fire. In her note she wrote something along the lines of "that song that says 'it only takes a spark to get a fire going' is crap. It takes more than a spark. It also takes plenty of kindling for that spark to land on, and friction to create the spark, and logs to fuel the fire, etc."

I have that piece of birch on my bulletin board as my reminder to not settle for fleeting sparks of life. I need to fuel the fire of my life with the things that set a fire in me. I can't keep warm or cook a meal over a spark... I need to fuel that spark until it becomes a full on flame. And I can't grow a happy and healthy LIFE unless I'm nurturing the literal life that's already in me.

It's taken a variety of things to get to this point where I feel like I'm getting through the fog and really feeling more fully alive. One thing that has helped is asking what gives me LIFE, then making time for those things.

For me it's being in nature, new adventures however simple, updating a space in my home, meaningful connections, and sometimes just plain ol' checking off my to-do lists and feeling like a competent adult.

It truly is the simple things of life that are some of the most life-giving and meaningful. I updated my room in really simple ways, and it still makes me smile and brings me LIFE. I breathe in fresh air as I read on the porch and I'm fueled with LIFE into the next morning. I cheer on my child learning to ride his new bike, and LIFE glows from us both.

What gives you LIFE?

If you're not sure, here are some places to start...

1. Take a deep breath.

The simple practice of deep breathing is mentioned in every sort of advice on meditating, refocusing, destressing, healing, and energizing for a reason--breathing gives us literal life. This has been the case since we were created when God breathed "the breath of life" into the first humans (Gen. 2:7). Science backs up the healing work of oxygen, but more than that I like to think every intentional deep breath I take repeats what God did in that first breath He breathed--literal life flowing through me. Simple yet life-giving, isn't it?

2. Choose good and true words.

The words we think in our own minds matter just as much as the words we say out loud. We don't always see it this way, but negativity toward ourselves, others, or life is a lie clothed in "full honesty" or "a realistic perspective"--it robs our abundant life (Jn. 10:10). Wise words promote health, and counselors of peace have joy (Prov. 12:17-22). Are those things true of the words repeating in our heads or slipping through our lips? Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21). If we had to choose, which category do our thoughts and words fall in? Worried thoughts cause depression; but good and true words bring deep healing gladness to our hearts (Prov. 12:25). Are your words life-negating or life-giving?

3. Read Truth.

The Word of God is living and active (Heb. 4:12); all scripture is breathed out by God (2 Tim. 3:16). Much like the breath of God still alive in our breath, I like to think of God's Word being alive and active in my life each time I read or meditate on it. Additionally, when we need a way to push out the negativity and the lies, reading and repeating God's truth is a perfect antidote.

4. Show love.

Jesus came that we might live through Him in love (1 Jn. 4:7-11) and have his light in us (Jn. 8:12). Acting in love and doing kind things--for our family, our friends, our neighbors, people we don't know--is a perfect way to experience LIFE more fully. Maybe even especially when we're not feeling it, there's something to a little doing into the feeling. There's nothing better than to be joyful and do good (Ecc. 3:12). It's a great reminder that people really are what life is all about.

5. Work with your hands.

The simple acts of making a meal, baking, washing the dishes, gardening, or creating something is all the more important in our heavily tech-centered lives. While technology can be tools for fuller more meaningful lives (looking up a recipe, learning a new hobby, making plans with a friend), the actual LIFE happens away from the computer, phone, or TV. What can you do throughout each day to make sure you're leading a quiet life, minding your own business, and working with your hands (1 Thess. 4:11)?

6. Go outside.

When I need a reset in life, I often have to go back to its source--nature. Where trees, plants, grass, and flowers grow with what they were given at creation and no extra effort of their own. It's outside that I remember that this world goes round out of my control, and my life does the same. Just as good things are growing under the mulch down in the dirt with the worms, so is good growing even in the darkness of life. And just as the sun always shows up even behind the clouds, I can be certain God always shows up even when I'm not certain He's there.

I am deeply thankful. For this gift of LIFE, for people to share it with, and for the gift of kindling when I need it most.

Consider what gives you LIFE, and make space for it.

>>>

also see:

new? start here...

returning home to myself
grow your life emails

Nurturing Your Creative Life

2019-04-16T13:37:00.001-05:00

"I have a lot of energy and I don't want to waste it."

My 4-year-old had just asked if he could help me fold the laundry. I wasn't quite to the point where I could use his help, so I was making him wait. That's when he told me about his excess energy that needed to be put to good use.

He ran off and played for a bit, and returned inquiring again if I needed his help yet. I said no, not yet, but I was glad he found something to do.

"Yeah." He said. "But this isn't wasting my energy--it's refueling it."

I chuckled, then thought more about that wise statement.

Maybe I can't relate to having a lot of energy, but I can certainly relate to how certain activities refuel my energy and others deplete it. Chores deplete my energy. But writing and making use of the creative pull inside me? Definitely refuels and even revives me.

We all have activities that refuel us, and I think most of us have some kind of art or creativity we tap into for that refueling. Following are some ways to nurture that creativity and in turn be revived by it...

Affiliate links used; see full note below.*

Adjust your definitions.

Until I was in my 20s, I had an image in my mind of creativity, art, writing, and I was not it. It took some expanding of the stereotypes I understood for me to realize: I am creative, I create art of sorts, and more specifically, I am a writer. I've read from people wiser than me that as children of God made in His creator image, we are all creatives and we all create art in our lives. And I agree. The sooner you expand your definitions to include your version of creating art in your life, the sooner you can get to sharing your gifts, your self, and God's image in you with the world.

Surround yourself with people who get your unique struggles.

I had to keep myself from typing "like-minded." The point with this sort of intentional connecting with others isn't necessarily about similar beliefs or ways of seeing the world--except in the constructs of being a creative. The point is take whatever challenges you have with being a creative, and find peers who get it. What areas of your art do your close friends and family not relate? Which language of your creative pursuits do they not understand? Those are the people to go find to fill your need for connection around creating. I'm a part of a mastermind group, a local blogger's group, and a Facebook writer's group; we meet on Google hangouts, in person, and in Facebook comments or direct messages. Each of these places get the unique language, challenges, and joys behind blogging, social media, branding and design, writing, and the inner pull to create.

Become a reader.

This comes up in just about every one of my posts. I spent far too long making excuses for not reading books regularly, and my life is far better now that I make reading part of my daily routine. When it comes to your creative life, there is so much great encouragement, inspiration, and wisdom found in books. The War of Art, Big Magic, and A Million Little Ways are just a few on a life of art and creativity in general. When it comes to writing, Bird by Bird, The Writing Life, and You are a Writer are some of my favorites.

Make creativity a lifestyle.

Always be working on something for yourself. It doesn't have to be a paid project or something shared for praise. Just schedule in that time regularly (daily if you can, otherwise weekly) to put into your creative outlet, whatever it might be. Pick up your paint brush, that needle and thread, the pen, that gardening shovel, whatever your artistic tool might be. Let the practice revive you.

Know your why.

What keeps you at your art? Maybe you hope to make it part of your career, or maybe it's purely a hobby. As you refine your craft, don't let others determine your value. Knowing why you do it can help you keep at it even if you get crickets or critique in exchange for sharing your work.

Diversify your income.

You might get to or be at a point when you want to pursue a creative endeavor as a means to an income. There is nothing wrong with that. Just don't rule out a day job or a variety of sources of income to take some of the pressure off your art.

Be up for an adventure, and do it scared.

Even pros in any given craft have self-doubts. Decide to do it anyway. Experiment, give new things a chance, and see what happens next. You'll never know if you never try.

As long as you're still breathing, it's not too late to find your inner creative and share it with the world, and refuel in the process.

>>>

also see:
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5 ways to get inspired
grow your life emails

*Note: Affiliate links used in this post. Purchases made through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to the purchaser. This is a little known way to support the writers, bloggers, and online creatives you love. If you choose to do that here, thank you!

20 Ways to Thrive in a Long Winter

2019-02-20T15:28:00.001-06:00

I'm sipping my sweet and spicy green tea listening to the kids chatter in the next room as they make the most of their Snow Day. It's that time of the year when the major winter holidays are over, just as we dive deeper into winter itself. The next thing we look forward to is Spring and Easter, but hold those hopes loosely because we've seen too many pass with freezing wind chills and a still-snow-covered ground.

Seven years ago we moved back to the Midwest after a two-year break in Florida, and Nebraska welcomed us back with a blizzard in May. I've really learned to adjust my expectations around spring, and settle in for the long haul letting any early signs of warmer weather and sunnier days be a happy surprise.

I'm the girl that used to wear flip flops in thirty degree weather--not because the cold didn't both me, but because I longed for the sun. I'd scream every time I sat in my car's freezing leather seats, just because I needed some kind of outlet for my pent up rage against winter. My body tenses up in the cold, and my Vitamin D stores seem to go into the negatives with the consecutive sun-less days.

I was in college before I learned about Seasonal Affective Disorder and realized that definitely made sense for my struggle with winter. Feeling down about winter wasn't all in my head--winter was literally dragging me down. That realization has been the start of me learning to make the most of winter. Especially on the extremely cold or endless cloudy days, it can take every tool in my arsenal to be okay with what winter gives us.

Some days, my goal is still simply to survive winter. The pleasant surprise is that getting more intentional about winters has brought about thriving and even loving life in the middle of winter.

Here are twenty actions I've taken to make the most of a long winter when my heart longs for summer... A lot of this might seem like no-brainers, but I can't be the only one that spent far too long without doing these things, so it's worth mentioning even the basics.

(Affiliate links used; see full note below.)

Wear the right gear.

Being warm became an instant winter-improver for me. I went far too long without the right gear for winter. It started with my husband insisting that I get a warmer coat instead of relying on my softshell. I found a hat I like, gloves that let me still use my camera/phone, boots with grippy bottoms that don't freeze my feet out. I've even accumulated enough long sleeve shirts and sweaters to rotate through without feeling like I'm wearing the same thing everyday. Winter got exponentially more bearable with each warm item I added.

Take vitamins.

Hello, Vitamin D and Bs. If you live in a place where the sun more or less disappears for much of winter, then Vitamin D should be a staple. Vitamin D is actually a hormone, and when your body is low it shows itself in hormone-imbalance type symptoms (fatigue, mood swings, irritability, etc.). Magnesium is a supplement that helps with Vitamin D absorption, so consider that one too. Like me, you might find you even need a Vitamin D dose in summer. Vitamin Bs are natural energizers, and can be a good mood- and energy-boost when you find yourself dragging. Talk to your doctor about how much and of what to take.

Drink warm drinks.

Cold drinks are my jam, and used to be my go-to throughout the winter too. Then, when I was struggling with winter, a friend reminded me of how warm drinks literally warm us up from the inside out (again, a no-brainer). So I swapped my iced and blended drinks for hot coffee, tea, cocoa, or cider. Sometimes just holding the mug is enough to cozy me up. Adding a minty or cinnamon flavor is a great seasonal treat.

Keep blankets handy.

Make blankets easy to grab whether you're lounging on the sofa or working at a desk. Keeping them in a place you don't have to worry too much about them being folded up nice makes using them lower maintenance. Whether it's a ladder to throw them over or a basket to pile them in. Before we found our rustic "blanket" ladder in the trash, we used to just throw them in a pile in the corner of the living room. They only got folded before we had company, taking the pressure off of having to fold them after each use (basically all day long).

Do morning light therapy.

I've been meaning to add light therapy to my routine for years and finally made it happen this winter. Starting the day sitting in light (direct sunlight from a window or at least 10,000 lumens from a special lamp) can improve energy, mood, and even frontal lobe function. It's best to do this light therapy time soon after waking up to not interfere with natural sleep rhythms. For some people, it works to do this time while doing their makeup in the morning. I like using the time to write my morning pages and read my Bible. I've been using this >> light therapy lamp.

Follow the sun.

Speaking of light therapy, sometimes you just gotta follow the sun around your home whenever it comes out. Either a walk outdoors when the sun is shining, or finding a spot to sit where it comes in a window can be warming and rejuvenating. Especially on those days when the sun hasn't shone in far too long.

Get out.

My natural instinct in winter is not to go outside the house. But getting out to other warm indoor places can really help break up our cabin fever. We try to go to the library weekly to browse and restock our reading supply, go to the gym throughout the week to get the blood pumping or calm with a yoga class, or even get together with friends.

Hygge together.

Hygge (a Danish lifestyle of coziness) has become a trendy topic lately. But more than the typical coziness of blankets and hot drinks, hygge is also about cozying up together. It can bring people closer together to thrive the cold in more intimate ways. Playing games with the family, extending invites to friends, or saying yes to the invites you receive. Again, this isn't always automatic given my introvert nature. But I always appreciate an opportunity to not let winter equal lonely.

Take up reading.

Curling up under a blanket with a hot cup of tea and a good book is a winter cliche for a reason. It's just so cozy and even life-giving. Flip through a magazine that has seasonal inspiration, read a novel set in winter (or summer, if you need an escape), or look through home ideas to start getting motivated for your spring projects. See my list of favorite reads or ways to enjoy reading.

Make a happiness list.

What makes you happy? What, big or little, brings a smile to your face, warms your heart, or sparks joy in your life? This list might lead to ideas to improve your winter. More than that, just the act of creating this list reminds what brings you to LIFE, and that's something we all could use a little more of, winter or not.

Start a journal.

Especially if winter feels like a burden for you, get in the habit of starting each day getting some of that out. I learned about this as "morning pages." The idea is to start writing anything and everything on your heart and mind. Some do this for 3 straight pages everyday. I could dwell like this forever, so I give myself a page, unless I have something more I need to get out. Sometimes it's as simple as saying what the weather is like and what we have going on for the day, and sometimes it's sorting out my tangled web of thoughts and emotions. It's become a beneficial habit, and I extend it into my prayer time as I refocus and hand it all over to God.

Try some self-care.

Okay, so this list is basically a self-care list for me. What I do to take care of myself in general isn't too far off from what I do to thrive in winter. But if you're a person to neglect yourself or quiet your own needs, winter is a good time to settle in and do a check-in of sorts to make sure you're following good habits and routines to keep yourself healthy and better able to meet the needs around you. Are you drinking water? Slowing down on the holiday treat habit? Getting some movement? What could you do to better care for yourself?

Take a warm bath.

Baths used to feel like so much work, but they've really helped when I feel winter making my body tense up. I make sure it's plenty warm (sometimes even having to wait for it to cool off), and add Epsom salts and eucalyptus bubbles (which helps sooth my aching muscles after shoveling the driveway). I feel my body loosen and relax into the warmth, and my mind wanders to happy places. It's like a vacation in my own home.

Eat cozy foods.

Even if you're not a soup person, just making a hot meal of any kind can be nourishing to both the body and soul in winter. Chili and cornbread or grilled cheese and tomato soup are easy and cozy.

Bake something.

An opportunity to turn on the oven is an opportunity to warm up the main living space. Baking cookies or muffins or a casserole gives me something to do to warm up. Then I find myself hovering around it like our own makeshift fire once I turn it off and leave the oven door open. Of course if you have an actual fire, that's even better.

Make a seasonal action list.

What are some of your favorite things to do inside or outside given the weather you've got? Bundle up for a winter walk, go sledding, walk on the local frozen lake (after it's been frozen a long time for safety reasons), make a new hot cocoa recipe. Get family or friends involved with ideas and use it as a checklist of things to look forward to and make happen during these cold days while they last.

Light a candle.

Get that little flame going, especially with a spicy or citrusy scent. Woodwick candles are my favorite in the winter because they had an extra crackle that feels cozy to the senses. Diffusing mint, cinnamon, or citrus essential oil blends adds a pleasant aesthetic too.

Turn on the lights.

Make sure the rooms you hang out in the evening are equipped with cozy lighting--table or floor lamps, a hanging light, or string lights draped around a window or doorframe. A good combination of those in your bedroom and living room creates a welcoming atmosphere when the sun is still going down before dinner.

Make a music mix and dance to it.

Get on Spotify or Pandora and make a mix of some of your favorite peppy tunes. Then dance to it while you make dinner or before winding down for the evening. Getting moving is a known mood booster, as is music with happy vibes.

Talk to your doctor.

This is my first winter giving antidepressants a try, and I'm realizing maybe I should have been using a small dose in winters before. All of the self-care and winter-care ideas above definitely helped improve my winters. Talking to my doctor about prescription medication was the extra step I needed. If winters especially are a struggle, don't be shy about mentioning it to your doctor and seeing if there are ideas you're missing that could help bring you back to life.

If winter isn't your jam, it doesn't have to be a total downer. Winter doesn't have to overtake your emotions and well-being. Make the most of winter, and you might even come around to like it. Haha, okay, that's going a little far. But maybe we can start replacing just surviving with at least a little thriving.

And if winter is your jam? Share that joy, because the rest of us need to be reminded of its wonder and beauty.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
practical ways to self-care
returning home to myself
is this season over yet?
grow your life emails

*Note: Affiliate links used in this post. Purchases through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to the purchaser. This is a little known way to support the writers, bloggers, and online creatives you love. If you choose to do that here, thank you!

Returning Home to Myself

2019-02-06T21:54:00.001-06:00

I felt like an empty shell of a person. That was the negative self-talk that looped in my head anytime I let my guard down. I was doing all the things to fix whatever was broken in my life, to get back on whatever track it was I'd fallen from. Yet, despite doing the work, I kept returning to that feeling and that phrase "empty shell of a person" like an obnoxious song on repeat in my head.

When I was in the thick of that self-defeating thought, I sat on the two-person sofa in my counselor's office, telling him about a moment when I distinctly remember thinking I miss being alive. I had several sessions with him before being able to articulate that was the moment that motivated me to finally schedule an appointment with him. I've never had suicidal thoughts, but thinking I was somehow no longer fully alive seemed dangerously close.

That moment, now months before, the sun showered over me as I sat at our dining table scrolling through Instagram. A creative I follow shared something that sparked inspiration and creative desire in me that hadn't been there in a long time. Instead of giving me hope, it made clear exactly how far I'd fallen from where I wish I were. In that split-second juxtaposition of life-spark turned lost-journeyer, the weight of I miss being alive numbed me from the sun's warmth.

My counselor pulled out a paper from a file--a file that holds the notes he takes after our sessions along with the periodic self-evaluations I complete to track our progress. He asked if he could read his notes from our last session to me.

As he read words he had written that simply described who I was and what I brought to our conversation during that counseling session, I stared and blinked and wondered. It sounded vaguely familiar. He was reading descriptions of who I remembered being, of the me I felt like I needed to return to. But how? How do I get back there? Back to myself?

He set the paper down, and I think noticed my blank stare, so he asked if I wanted to see it. I didn't know what I'd see myself that I didn't just hear him read, but I said, "Sure."

I started reading, in his words, the version of myself that he saw in that last session we were together. The tears swelled as I read his description that was the me that I'd been searching for, that I'd felt like I lost, the person I'd been hoping to become... it was right there. On paper. But he hadn't written these words trying to help me create a self-fulfilling prophecy, like I sometimes felt like I was doing in my own journal.

He was simply noting his observation of the person currently sitting in front of him. The problem wasn't who I needed to become (or return to) to be alive again, to fill this empty shell; it was a matter of being able to fully see who I already am, to acknowledge the life already in me.

In that moment, I realized I wanted to uncover the whole person God created, fully me right now even if I don't feel it. That is what I mean when I write about borrowing God's eyes to see myself. I want to sit before Him and hear Him tell me who I am.

Without really knowing where it came from, I had the distorted idea that when God looked at me He could only see who I was becoming, like a lump of clay with potential. There's only so long someone can go on thinking they're merely a useless lump of clay before their Maker. A lump of clay isn't far from feeling like an empty shell of a person and then missing being alive... even while still technically living.

When I sit and listen to God tell me who I am, I hear a calm voice say: This is who I made you to be. There may be challenges, but I see the beauty, the hope, the wholeness I chose for you.

It's a matter of opening my eyes and truly seeing what God sees, who He created me to be and is continuing to lead me into, and not basing my identity on ever-changing feelings.

There have been too many moments that I've held the urge to edit-undo every move I make, even the good ones. I finally got tired of feeling guilt or embarrassment at showing up to my life. The low rumble of anxious thoughts got old. I was tired of the negativity that took residence in the feeling part of my life, so I got help to give it an eviction notice and kick it out.

Anything less than that is discrediting my Creator, and me as His creation. I deserve better. You deserve better.

We don't do that to His sky or sun or flowers or trees. We sit in nature and wonder at the beauty of God's creation. So why do we settle for negativity on ourselves, the whole point of His creation?

That is the value of getting quiet, getting in nature, getting in God's Word. Not just to hear who we are, but to hear God say it in a way that makes us at home with who He created us to be.

May you find stillness to feel that He is God, and you are His, flaws and all. You are a whole beautiful thriving person as you are now. And if you are having a hard time hearing it, or a hard time believing it, get help. You don't have to struggle alone to return home to yourself.

Recently, the sun showered over me again, this time as I took the trash out. I drew a deep breath, warmed from the inside-out with the thought It feels good to be alive. And that's what it feels like to get the help I needed to return home to myself.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
self-care over the long haul
a year of showing up to life
how to find the true you
grow your life

Lessons on Steady -- A Year of Showing Up to Life

2019-01-24T13:57:00.003-06:00

Last year was my year for Steady. (You can read about my year for Slow >> here.)

Where Slow revealed what happens down in the dirt of life, Steady showed me what can happen when we keep showing up to tend to our life. Those little actions (that often feel huge) repeated over and over can really become something. Namely, a growing, even thriving, Life.

That's what happened for me in my year of Steady. I attended to the harder parts of self-care (or as it became for me, life-care) by scheduling and showing up to appointments, returning to peer accountability, and "clocking in" daily to habits I wanted to grow.

Steady reminded me I am capable of making good decisions and being a whole and healthy person. Steady over time replaced my exasperated "I miss feeling alive" with "It feels good to be alive!" Steady let showing up be enough, and some days Steady allowed showing up to turn into some of my best effort yet.

The previous year's struggles in Slow turned into this year's Steady benefits and the following lessons on showing up to life.

1. Things that give me life aren't just a preference--they're a deeply healing necessity.

While in Florida (a surprise I got to join my husband on his work trip), I walked around enjoying all of the greenery and teared up taking it all in. It was tears of joy like salve on my soul. In that moment, I realized greenery and sunshine (among other things) aren't just a preference for me--they're a deeply healing necessity.

This helps me to realize in the middle of a Nebraska winter, that I need morning light therapy to make up for the lack of sun and I need to tend to some houseplants to make up for the missing green. There's other ways this applies. When I answer "What gives me life?" I'm not just figuring out trivial hobbies or interests, I'm finding what literally fuels my life.

2. When I'm going all in just to feel okay, I might need extra help going the last bit to really be okay.

After spending a lot of time on self-care--the kind that involves counseling, shutting down technology, taking vitamins, doing a course to learn more about mental and emotional health--I noticed I was still working really hard to feel okay, and wasn't always succeeding. Even when I succeeded, it was frustrating to always feel that struggle. So I finally asked my doctor about antidepressant options.

Some form of depression (and even anxiety, which I didn't realize until the last few years) has been a part of my life since I was 13, but I've always learned how to manage it. My year of Slow left me space to realize I wasn't really managing it anymore. My usual stuff helped, but wasn't fully working. I don't know if antidepressants will continue being a part of my solution, but for now they're the extra step I needed in this season. Sometimes that extra help includes counseling or a peer support group or an accountability partner or maybe vitamins. Whatever it is, it's worth taking that extra step to fully be okay.

3. I've been here all along, even when I don't feel myself.

In the middle of my biggest struggle, I felt deeply lost. I knew who I was and what mattered to me, or at least who I used to be and what used to matter. Then I had a bit of a breakthrough when my counselor read back his notes to me from a previous session. Everything he read sounded like the me I hoped to become; but he was reading notes that were based on what he currently saw of me. That was the beginning of me realizing I've been here all along, even when I feel lost. It's a matter of opening my eyes and truly seeing what God sees, who He created me to be and is continuing to lead me into, and not basing my identity on ever-changing feelings.

4. Health improvements take time.

We attended an 8-week seminar and group session on mental and emotional health, especially addressing anxiety and depression. We learned lots of important habits that affect our health and brain function more than we usually realize. We also learned that implementing these healthy habits can take weeks, even months, to see the full effect in our daily life. This is a concept I generally knew, but seeing more of the science and facts behind it helped emphasize it and serves as a good reminder to give any positive life changes time to see the fruits of the effort.

5. The miracle is God's presence in the struggle.

It was a "why me" moment at 3 a.m. with my husband gone on a trip, my 4-year-old waking up every 15 minutes to throw up, and my own migraine brewing. I needed God to show up and, I thought, change my circumstances. But right there in the midst of the struggle, story after story came to me of how God showing up in the middle of undesirable circumstances was The Miracle.

Angels shutting the mouths of lions while Daniel still had to sleep in their presence in the den; God showing up in the midst of the fire with the Hebrew boys before they walked out; God being with Moses and the Israelites in the wilderness. A strength and endurance grew in me as I realized I wanted the miracle of resolution, but The Miracle is really God's presence in the middle of the storm. There are plenty of other "storms" in my life I've wanted calmed, and I'm learning how seeing God with me in them is more important than being saved form them.

6. Small habits build up over time, for better or worse.

Bad habits feel like they grow up out of nowhere, but they're established the same way good habits are--one action repeated again and again. Showing up was a good place for me to start. This played out in an obvious way at the gym.

I wanted to get more physical exercise, but jumping to the end result felt overwhelming, so I started with a goal of showing up. I could do 10 minutes or 5 and I'd still meet my goal by just being there. But chances are, after making the effort to be there, I'll likely finish a whole 30-minute session.

This has applied to a lot of other areas... I figure out what my minimum showing up looks like and aim to do that, then let anything more be a happy bonus. These seemingly small habits of self-care and life-care one by one help me show up to my life.

It's your turn. Pull out a pen and paper (or a notebook to collect these sorts of things). Write "What I learned last year" and start listing whatever comes to mind. This is a great way to look back and "raise your ebenezer"--noticing what brings you to life, how you showed up to your own life, and especially how God showed up.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
goal-planning brought me back to life
making sense of a hard year
slow + steady self-care
how to find the true you
get my emails

How to Find the True You

2019-01-17T16:42:00.002-06:00

*Affiliate links used; see full note below.

"When I was big, did I ask my name?" It takes a couple tries, but I realize my 4-year-old is asking if he asked us What is my name? when he started speaking.

I chuckle at the thought and tell him no, I don't recall him ever asking that.

"But how did I know my name?" I now get what he's wondering.

So I tell him, "We called you by your name over and over. We said it to you so much that you just knew it."

That seems to appease him.

Then I feel God impressing on my heart: That's how you know who you are. I've been telling you since the day you were born. I've been saying your name. You are loved, you are chosen, you are created by Me with purpose. Do you hear Me calling you by name?

Too often I'm too distracted to hear it. Even in the "stillness" or in the apparent "quiet," I'm too often scrolling or filling my time with something that keeps my soul from really being still or quiet. Yet, it's in the stillness we know who God is, and I believe in the stillness is also where we hear God telling us who we are.

That's also the message my friend Michelle DeRusha shares in her new book True You: Letting Go of Your False Self to Uncover the Person God Created (affiliate link). She emphasizes the importance of slowing down to really listen to who God says we are. Her message of getting quiet to let the soul feel its worth in the presence of its Creator: it's necessary.

As Michelle writes, "If you want to catch a glimpse of the soul's 'precious wildness,' you must get quiet."

My fear tells me that in the quiet I will be made a fraud, undeserving, unworthy, incapable. But the truth is in the quiet I find my identity, purpose, and belonging in Jesus who is undoubtedly true, deserving, worthy, capable. That sounds like a great foundation for my life.

"Our mind needs time and space to catch up with what our soul already knows," writes Michelle.

How do we do this? How do we get quiet and listen?

Michelle shares about her practice in "directed rest" to be quiet to listen, and the idea of "fukinaoshi of the soul" to let go of the false self. You can learn more about that and read Michelle's story in True You.

Here are some things that are helping me get quiet and hear God tell me who I am in this season...

Start a ritual.

Quiet isn't a one-time thing, so I've worked on building it into my daily and weekly routines in various ways. Lately, I wake up in the morning for some light therapy time and that's my quiet right at the start of the day. I also do quiet stretching at the end of the day. Then I shut down the technology for Sabbath and take a bath each week. These aren't live-changing practices, but get me back into the habit of being okay with quiet. Plus, they're doable and that's where I needed to start is with my routine rhythms.

Turn off screens.

Quiet and stillness aren't actually very quiet or still for the soul if screens are still on. So whenever or wherever I have my quiet, I make sure my phone is not a part of it. (You can always make an exception if you find value in a meditation app or a yoga video.)

Make a collage.

When I need something to do in the quiet, I make a collage card. It's one way to fill the silence that's still tuned in to my soul and what God might be trying to speak to me or about me. I am often surprised at the end result of the collage to see what's on my heart and mind that I might have otherwise missed.

Take a bath.

A bath is one of the few places I am truly still and quiet and completely okay with it. I add epsom salts and eucalyptus bubbles, and make sure the water is hot enough for me to linger a while. In the past I've leaned over the edge to look at a magazine or scroll on my phone, but lately I opt to just sit in the warm quiet. I've even added a string of soft lights over the mirror for a calmer atmosphere, and just let my mind wander. It's crazy what kinds of things can get worked out or what seeds are planted in that simple practice of just sitting (or laying) in the stillness.

Stretch.

This is a great end and/or start to the day. I used to make stretching happen during a show I was watching, which was a good use of the time. But lately I try to do my evening stretching before I go to bed without watching something. This helps create more of a meditative practice.

Read.

While reading doesn't leave the mind quiet, thoughtfully choosing reading material can still be a great way to hear God speak truth over you. Especially if it's from God's Word or from an author who points to God's Word.

Write what God might be saying.

If you're feeling doubtful or anxious or struggling with the quiet, pull out a pen and journal to write what you imagine God might be telling you. If He were writing you a letter, what might He tell you about who you are, how He created you, and where you belong?

The point is, God is saying your name. He is telling you your identity, your purpose, the place you belong. Be still and know that He is God and that you are His. He created you, He cares about you, and He is continuing to help you grow.

Are you listening?

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
30 ways to slow + rest
my favorite books
how to enjoy reading
grow life emails

*Note: Affiliate links used in this post. Purchases through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to the purchaser. Thank you!

5 Questions to Grow a Capsule Mindset

2018-11-08T15:37:00.003-06:00

*Affiliate links used; see full note below

How I dress has impacted my growth in a challenging season. Not in an unhealthy shop-to-fill-a-void kind of way. But in an I'm-worthy-of-this-life and I'll-dress-like-I-truly-believe-that sort of way. "Sometimes the being comes before the feeling," Chasing Slow (aff. link) by Erin Loechner. And dressing with a little more intention is the being that has contributed to feeling competent and confident.

Most of us already know about a capsule wardrobe and its benefits. (For those who don't: It's a wardrobe made up of essential items that don't go out of style and can mix and match outfits and seasons.) If we only wear 20% of our closet 80% of the time (I know I often do), then it saves time, money, energy, and space to simplify that closet and make the best use of our resources.

It also makes getting dressed a little easier, because we don't need to get decision fatigue right at the start of our day, ya know?

And that right there, the decision fatigue, is exactly why a capsule wardrobe matters to me. We all have a finite number of resources. Even if you're not limited by money or space, you might be limited by time or energy or decision-making power, and I am all about simplifying and automating whatever possible so that we can spend our best growing the most important parts of life.

Are you with me?

A simple closet is one small way to counteract the chaos in life. Easy to complete outfits can reduce one area of indecision in a new season of life. Feeling good about the space we begin and end each day in, and the way we look when we leave and return to that space, can create a small dose of renewal in life.

Ask me how I know. (See this >> post and this >> one for more on this "season of renewal" I've been trudging through.)

I've been meaning to create an actual capsule wardrobe for years. Then I re-realized, over time simplifying has given me a capsule wardrobe of sorts just through a simple mindset shift. Even if you may not find an exact capsule in my closet or dresser, there are a few principles that have become my autopilot when I shop and when I declutter my clothes that have helped streamline the process and find a little balance in it all.

I don't need extra things on my to-do list. I just need to know that my choices when shopping are helping my morning routine, not hindering it. I need to know that I'm making purchasing choices that are completing my outfits, not cluttering my closet. I need to know that I can feel good about getting dressed without getting caught in comparison traps that give me one more area to feel like I'm failing. I need to know that I'm showing up in this season of my life as my current best version of myself--inside and out.

Here's what I've learned over the years: The benefits of a capsule wardrobe don't have to be a "someday" dream. The capsule mindset can start growing today, making for a lifetime of enjoying capsule benefits without the work of creating a precise Pinterest-worthy capsule.

How to Create a Capsule Mindset

A capsule mindset grows from a few simple questions. I ask these when I'm in a dressing room trying on clothes, and I ask them when I'm going through my closet or dresser to decide what I'm done with. Questions #1 and #5 are also what I use when I'm getting dressed. If the answer is yes to both, then I'm likely to feel more confident and competent as I set out growing my life.

1. Do I love it?

This includes both how it looks and feels. There have been far too many items I've owned that were just okay or were merely a good price, always leading them to hardly be worn, if at all. Want to know how I know if I love it? I try it on and automatically think, "wow, I love this!" I'm not kidding.

If my inner voice starts saying "if it was just a little longer" or "but it's a little too [fill in the blank]" then I know that it's going be worn once or twice and maybe never again. Because that quiet little "if" and "but" will be there every time I see the item and it will make me pass it over for something that doesn't make me say those things. So I've learned to not settle for anything less than love.

2. Can I wear it more than one way?

Dress it up, dress it down (in the context that I dress up or dress down, which isn't much of a difference); wear it in warm and cool weather, except for seasonal items, of course; mix and match with more than one pair of pants and more than one sweater or accessory option.

It's just not worth owning items that can only be worn one specific way. Plus, it can cause me to try and waste more money on finding items to match it with and go down a slippery slope of buying stuff I don't love. Every item I own can be worn more than one way. When I feel stuck, I search that particular item in Pinterest for ideas, and only Pin outfits with items I already own (i.e., "black vest outfit," "chelsea boots outfit," "chambray shirt outfit").

3. Has it been in style for a while?

And will the quality let me keep wearing it for years? Sure, styles vary through the years. But there are some basic things that have longevity and those are the things truly worth adding to the closet. These are the basics and staples that everybody keeps returning to. A nice pair of jeans or neutral pants, a neutral button up that can be tucked in or worn open over a basic tee. Is your style louder and bolder? Get these basics in colors and patterns that can still be mix and matched.

The more of the closet that makes up these items, the more versatile. This is sort of the foundation for and essence of a capsule wardrobe. Of course this doesn't make up everything I own. But I try to keep my trendier pieces to a minimum, because I know I may not be wearing them very long. I'm also prone to go cheap on the trendier items for that same reason.

4. Is it a color, pattern, or style I naturally reach for repeatedly?

When it comes to buying the more "eccentric" pieces of a wardrobe, they need to very closely match my style or I know I won't wear them often. I know this by the history of what colors I actually wear and which I've bought and neglected. I also know this by how much I love it. My style naturally strays away from too crazy of color or patterns, but they also make the perfect way to perk up an outfit.

I love wearing greens, warm yellows, florals or greenery in those colors, and black and white stripes. I reach for those repeatedly, so they're worth owning within reason. I don't keep adding options, because I know I don't wear patterns and colors often enough to justify that. So I usually need to be done with one color or pattern shirt before I buy a new one.

5. Is it the look I'm aiming for in this season?

Or another question that sometimes helps: Can I imagine my style "icon" wearing it? I usually have an idea in my head of what style I'm aiming for, and I have to keep that image in my mind when I go shopping to make sure I don't settle for more comfortable pieces I already own.

This image in my head helps guide my shopping list for the season (I usually only need a couple items to replace or build on what I already have), and it helps keep me looking put-together. Comfort is the top of my priority list, so even if I'm looking for nice or dressier items, I still make sure it's comfortable.

Additional Outfit Tips

+ Find your "uniform."
The go-to example of a uniform is Steve Jobs' jeans and black turtle necks. The main perk is that it limits options when getting dressed which helps save energy for more important decisions. It also reduces unnecessary shopping and keeps closets and dresses neat and tidy. A uniform can be a little broader. Take whatever your go-to favorite outfit is, replicate it, and you've got a uniform.

+ Know yourself.
Learning more about who I am as a whole person has done the most in helping me figure out my style and find what makes me feel like my best self. It also helps me know whose advice to follow, and when to say "good for you, not for me" when something looks good, but isn't what I want in my wardrobe.

+ Know when enough is enough.
Many of us have been there--shopping when there isn't anything in particular that we need. As you get more into the capsule mindset, you'll get a better idea of what's missing in your wardrobe or what needs replaced, and what's just plain unnecessary. Telling ourselves no and resisting the urge to fill the cracks in our lives with shopping (or whatever your vice may be) is absolutely necessary for becoming healthy whole people. It can be a challenge, but your closet, budget, and heart thanks you for learning when enough is enough. (It's a lesson I'm learning and re-learning.)

+ Get two options in your go-to staples.
I tend to overwear my go-to uniform pieces, so I like having two options. This helps reduce how quickly I wear things out, and gives me better options for mixing and matching. For instance, I own a tan skinny belt and a leopard print one; a basic black glasses frame and the other a fun patterned green; tees in heather grey and black-and-white striped; a tan sweater and a black sweater; a chambray button up and a plaid button-up; a grey crew neck sweater and a striped crew neck sweater. I love these items and wear them regularly, so when I double upped on them, I did so with two different options that help me create lots of no-brainer outfits.

+ Learn easy ways to "complete" an outfit.
A front-tuck or fully tucked in shirt; a belt (patterned or not); a "third piece" like a cardigan, a vest, or a button up; and a simple accessory are all easy ways to complete an outfit. Any combination of these help me feel more put-together in my really simple outfits.

The point of a capsule wardrobe isn't to have one more list of expectations to measure up to and adding one more thing to your to-do list. The point is to wear what you love and love what you own, shop less, be sure of your purchases, keep your clothes a long time, and look put-together with minimal effort. Plus, that little thing about saving your time, money, and energy for growing life.

You don't have to have a specific 9-piece capsule or wear only 33 pieces of clothing to make that happen. (Although I love a good Project 333-type clothing challenge.) If you don't have the time or the desire for those things, then just start growing a simple capsule mindset with the questions above.

You can start enjoying the benefits and put your precious resources toward what really matters in your life.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
glasses love at first try-on
create life balance
goal-setting brought me back to life
grow your life emails

*Note: Affiliate links used. Purchases made through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to you. Clicking affiliate links before doing your online shopping is a little known way to support the bloggers, writers, and online creatives that you love. So if you choose to do that here, thank you!

Glasses Love at First Try-On

2018-11-06T10:37:00.003-06:00

*Affiliate links used; see full note below.

Trying glasses on in your own home—for free—might sound too good to be true. I assure you it's not. Finding my prescription glasses and sunglasses was love at first Try-On. I've mentioned I get comments from strangers complimenting my glasses or asking me where I got them... here's the low-down.

This is specifically about our favorite glasses company's free Home Try-On. If you want to see all the reasons we love Warby Parker (glasses starting at $95 for frames and lenses, they donate glasses for each pair sold, and their free Home Try-On) then see my page >> Sharing My Love for Glasses.

Order Glasses Online with Confidence
(Do a Home Try-On)

Like most online glasses boutiques, Warby Parker has a virtual try-on, where you can upload a photo of yourself to see the frames added to the photo. But the real perk is Warby Parker's free Home Try-On, where they'll send you 5 frames to try on at home for 5 days. Seriously, no strings attached. You send them back and don't pay a thing until/unless you decide to purchase your favorite pair.

Here's how it works...

1. Order your Home Try-On.

Choose 5 frames (glasses and/or sunglasses) from WarbyParker.com and add them to your Home Try-On "order." If you can't find five you want to try on, they'll auto-fill the box with others you might like.You enter credit card information as a back up in case you never return the frames. They put a charge of a dollar to ensure there are funds in the account, then that charge disappears after a couple days.

2. Try the glasses on.

We usually receive our Home Try-On within a few days from "ordering" it. You have five days to try on the glasses. Share pictures on Facebook or Instagram if you want input from family and friends. I like looking at the frames in the mirrors I already use on a daily basis and maybe even with a couple different of my go-to outfits. It helps me feel more sure that I'm choosing frames that really fit my style.

3. Send the glasses back.

When you're done trying on the glasses, or by the fifth day of the Try-On, the glasses need to be sent back. The instructions are clearly printed in the box. The glasses get put back in the same box they came in, and the enclosed shipping label is put over the box, then drop it in the mailbox. Easy Peasy.

4. Order another Try-On or purchase your top pick(s).

At any point in the Try-On process, I can choose a pair (or two ;) to order and get filled with my prescription. Or I could order another round of 5 frames to try on if I didn't find any I liked in the first round. And if I decided I didn't like any or didn't want to order at this time, the whole process still wouldn't cost me anything.

A few things to keep in mind when it's ordering time: You need a copy of your prescription updated within the last year (you have to send it after you order). You'll need an accurate pupillary distance. And if insurance will cover a portion of the cost, get those forms from your insurance provider so that you can submit and get your reimbursement as soon as possible. You can read more about this all >> here.

Tips for Finding Your Best Pair:

+ Branch out to try on something you wouldn't normally choose.
Be sure your Try-On includes a good mix of shapes, patterns, colors, and sizes. This will help you narrow in on what you're really looking for. You can do another Home Try-On if you want to compare frames within your preferred shape, color, size.

+ If budget will allow it, consider looking for a statement pair and a basic pair.
My most complimented glasses are my round green tort, but I also like having my basic whiskey tort that don't distract if I'm wearing colors or patterns in my outfit. One pair is also bigger/looser that feels more comfortable if I have a headache (a fact of my life). And I wear glasses every single day, so it's worth having two pairs to rotate or to fill in if something happened to one of the pairs. (I do the same with my sunglasses--which came in handy when I lost a pair on vacation.)

+ Know who's opinion to ask for/listen to.
I usually need confidence to get the more trendy pair, because it's what I love. So even if I post pictures and get other's opinions, I mainly listen to the people I trust who are encouraging me to get the fun pair.

+ Measure your current glasses.
If you already have a pair that's a size you love, then measure the lens, bridge, and temple arm to compare the numbers with the frames on Warby Parker's website. You'll find these numbers on the glasses product page under "measurements" with numbers in millimeters representing Lens Width - Bridge Width - Temple Arm Length. Glasses can look bigger or smaller in photos, so this will help you get a more accurate idea of what you're looking for.

Finding glasses you love doesn't have to be overwhelming or intimidating. The pressure of choosing glasses at a store with sales associates who don't know me giving their opinions used to stress me out. (Do I sound like a total introvert? Because I am.) Now, I not only like the selection, price, and customer service better, I actually love my glasses.

Order a free Home Try-On from Warby Parker and see for yourself.

And when in doubt, get the statement glasses ;)

>>>

also see...
new? start here...
sharing my love for glasses
email signup

*Note: Affiliate links used. Any purchases made through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to you. This is a little known way to support the bloggers, writers, and online creatives that you love. So if you choose to do that here, thank you!

10 Ways to Create Life Balance

2018-10-24T16:46:00.004-05:00

*Affiliate links used; see full note below.

Life balance is my jam! I realized that all over again this week when I got to be part of a panel on "life balance" for a college Leadership class. It was such a joy to share how we've created some semblance of balance in our home, family, careers, life, and I realized I haven't shared that here on my own blog.

Meanwhile, my home's a bit of a mess while I've focused on some work projects, ran errands, and had a kid home from school with a cough. And that's the main reason I haven't yet written about life balance. There are too many times I don't feel like I have it.

And I certainly don't have the world-wide keys to unlock life balance for everyone. In short: I don't have The Answers. I have found some ways that work for my life that help create the balance I need and the balance that keeps our family and home and life running, even, maybe especially, on chaotic days like today.

That's what I loved about being on the panel--I was simply answering questions sharing what works for me. Those of us on the panel answered questions about figuring out what's most important to us, deciding what to say "no" to when we're too busy, destressing during the week, making time for hobbies and interests, and dealing with daily life when going through personal trauma.

So, I'm going to share some of my responses here, just in case any of this might unlock some piece of life balance for you, too. These are the practices of life balance that I return to over and over in my life. Over time much of it has become my autopilot and is what I attribute any balance I've found.

1. Decide your top 3.

I got this habit from DayDesigner. Each of their planner pages have a place to write your top 3 tasks/priorities to stay focused on what's really important for that day. This works for looking at the week, the season, or even your life. Balance isn't about always getting everything done and doing everything in equal proportions. Life balance is about making sure your limited time and energy goes to what really matters. Focusing on your top 3 can help make that happen.

If you complete only 3 things today, which will make the day feel successful? What about for this week? This season? The year? Your life? This can help simplify a too-long to-do list, give a starting point, and build motivation to continue progress beyond these three things. Then you're free to stop trying to do it all, and can rest in peace knowing you've done what matters.

2. Do the next right thing.

I first read about this years ago, but have since heard it a lot. The idea is that you don't climb a mountain, write a book, find life balance all at once. You start with the first literal step, the first writing session, the task right in front of you that will help balance out your life.

What is your next right thing in this moment? Often when I'm asking myself this question, my next right thing is some monotonous chore like washing the dishes or folding the laundry. Clearing up the obvious clutter and checking off a quick task is usually just the starting point I need to tackle the rest of my list or be able to relax in peace--both can contribute to my overall life balance.

3. Choose your support group.

There's a saying floating around attributed to businessman Jim Rohn that "You’re the average of the five people you spend most of your time with." Your lifestyle and your ability to live the life you want is largely dependent on the people you choose to spend your time with. We can encourage or discourage those around us, and we can choose to be around people that generally do one or the other. Adult friendships are hard even without thinking of the life value we get from our friends, but one way to be proactive about this is with something called a "mastermind" group.

Who are your 5 closest friends? Are there people you could invite into your circle to encourage each other in life? A mastermind group is a small group, around 3-5 people, that meet regularly to talk about goals, share what they're learning, and hold each other accountability. The mastermind group I am part of began to talk about blogging and our creative online work. We have met biweekly and monthly, depending on what we all have going on. And while we largely talk about work-related goals, we also spend time sharing what we're learning, how we're using our gifts and staying inspired, and about life balance. A mastermind group can meet for working out or health, work, life balance, or any number of topics. Point is, find friends that encourage rather the discourage the life you want to live.

4. Know yourself and live into that.

A question that was rephrased a couple different ways in the life balance panel was how to find out what's really important to you and make that happen. For me, this journey started more so after finishing college and starting a family. I had done various personality type-tests in the past, but didn't start making use of the information until later. Now instead of learning something about myself--what makes me tick and such--and just brushing it off, I use it to make sense of my life direction. Who I am and what I value has been a part of my life basically since my birth. I grow and develop, but for the most part I'm just discovering more of who I already am. As I discover all of who God made me to be, I discover a little more of His purpose and calling in my life and for my family. So knowing myself and making choices that help me live into that has been huge and helping me feel satisfied and balanced in my life choices.

What is your personality? What are your strengths? What interested you as a kid, and what interests you now? What makes you feel alive? This is the foundation for so many choices you will make throughout your life. Consider taking a self discovery test like StrengthsFinder, the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, and others. This information can help you know yourself better, including how to take care of yourself, what type of goals to set or career to pursue, and even what gifts you have that can serve others more naturally. This sort of personal growth uncovers who God made you to be leading to a life balance specific to all of your strengths and weaknesses.

5. Say your best yes, and even some hard nos.

Two of the best books I've read so far on this topic are: Essentialism and The Best Yes. Both offer really practical ways to be sure you're focusing your time and energy on what really matters for you, ultimately leading to life balance. One of my big takeaways is considering how enthusiastic I am when I say "yes" to something. Is it forced, filled with guilt or obligation, or something I'm vaguely interested in? If so, then I'm going to fizzle out or hate it right from the start. But if my yes is a "heck, yes!" then there's likely some value to the opportunity that will keep me motivated even when life gets difficult.

Is your answer a "heck, yes"? If not, maybe a no would be a better response. Even if there's something you want to say yes to, there might be something more important that needs to take your time and energy for this season. I've had to say some nos to things I actually wanted to do, just because it wasn't the right season for it. Only you can know what's the best yes for you and your family and the life balance you're aiming for.

6. Make choices based on what's most important to you.

This is going back a little bit to that "know yourself" thing. But even more than that, know what you value. In the life balance panel, my answers kept returning to the fact that we value faith and family and make most of our decisions prioritizing those two things. That can look different for different people. For our family that meant me being a stay-at-home-mom for the last 9+ years. The truth is we actually can't "afford" for me to stay home with our kids all day. We just valued that aspect of providing for our family enough that we were able to make other sacrifices in order to make it happen. This isn't about making the "right" choices--I don't believe there usually is such a thing. I do believe there is such a thing as making your right choices. The choices only you can make for your family. Prioritizing family can mean a lot of different things to different people--know what your values mean for the choices you make.

What do you value? What's most important to you in life? Big picture: What are your top priorities, and what helps you meet those needs? Know what's most important to you and make choices based on those priorities. We all make sacrifices, so we have to choose the ones that help us live into the life we want.

7. Make a plan, and write it down.

I go a little overboard on this, just because writing things down is a big part of who I am. But you don't have to have extensive planning sessions or keep journals of notes. In fact, unless you have an inner need to: Don't. Keep it simple, and just jot down some quick answers to the questions in this post. Or list some of the things you hope to do in the next few years. There is value to just writing down simple things like who you are, what you value, what you want to do in life. You don't even necessarily have to post this anywhere. The act of writing it means you're putting those goals and priorities into your brain space, giving you a direction to head. A purpose and a calling of sorts, helping you live the balanced life you dream of.

What does your dream balanced life look like? Given your strengths and values and place in life... jot down some of the details a balanced life might look like for you. From this list you can choose your top 3 to focus on or you can choose your next right step. Or you can lose the list and forget about it, and that dream/plan will still be there in your head and heart guiding you toward the balance you're capable of. If you want to explore more extensive goal/life planning, I love PowerSheets for that.

8. Know what season you're in.

This needs to be said, because life balance looks different throughout seasons of life. Some seasons are full of energy and motivation and life balance will include a lot of getting stuff done. Some seasons are about travel or family or taking a break after a busy season. And some seasons are about just plain ol' survival if you're dealing with a major life change (move, child, career change), a personal trauma, or an illness. There are seasons when getting out of bed is a victory worth celebrating, so don't discredit the accomplishment in the "little" things.

What season are you in? Is this a season of dealing with change or slowing down to savor or hustling to get things done? What season are you in emotionally--thriving and blooming, or planting and waiting to see if anything will come up from the dirt? Knowing the season you're in can help you give yourself grace to let go of what you're not able to complete now, or at least perspective to know that highs or lows come and go, and that really is the broad swing in the balance of life.

9. Take a break.

Shut it down. The notifications, the technology, your brain. Reset. Be in nature. Take a nap. Make time for a hobby or a creative pursuit. Learn one if you don't have one. Turn on music, go for a walk, visit with a friend. This is important to do a little bit each day, and for the 24-hour Sabbath each week. It's essential for our health, and can even help us come back to our work and our stresses with a fresh perspective and new creativity.

How do you destress? How often do you unplug, and when can you make that happen each day and each week? Consider making a list of the ways you enjoy taking a break. Those things mentioned above that help you feel alive--do more of those to help balance out the adult obligations of life. Fill your life with more living.

10. Prioritize balance for your life.

The real way I find a balanced life is by prioritizing balance. Feeling balanced matters to me. I know my threshold for stress and I know which habits will lead me to feel unbalanced. Simplifying is also deeply important to me--it's at the core of who I am, so that becomes my inner compass to make choices that enrich the lives we want rather than the lives we see others living.

Do you prioritize balance in your life? If not, what is more important to you? If so, which areas in particular do you aim to keep balanced? Live into the balance you envision for your life, not the balance you think you "should" be aiming for.

A balanced life is possible--when we stop chasing someone else's version of balance and instead pursue our own. Take whatever of these life balance practices that work for you, and leave the rest guilt-free. Guilt only hinders your life balance.

Life balance is full of grace and finding your own groove for your life.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
the goals that brought me back to life
slow and steady self-care over the long haul
signup for emails

*Note: Affiliate links used. Any purchases made through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to you. This is a little known way to support the bloggers, writers, and online creatives that you love. So if you choose to do that here, thank you!

The Goal-Setting that Brought Me Back to Life

2018-10-17T14:28:00.002-05:00

*Affiliate links used; see full note below.

I was in the middle of a more than year-long fog. I shared a little about that fog in my post Making Sense of a Hard Year, and shared even more in my post Slow and Steady Self-Care Over the Long Haul.

The short of it is this: A web of causes led me to a low I found myself stuck in. It was affecting my ability to feel fully alive, and finding my way through it felt stagnant, moving so much slower than I would have liked.

That's the season I was in when someone gifted me a year set of PowerSheets (a thorough goal-setting resource) from the Cultivate What Matters shop. It was an instant mood-lifter, because: How thoughtful! Also, the Cultivate What Matters team makes the most beautiful and inspiring products.

More than that, this year has been a complete turn-around from last year's fog, and I feel the goals I set and cultivated with my PowerSheets were a major catalyst to initiate that shift.

I know this might sound like one giant sales pitch. While I'm thankful to get to be an affiliate for Cultivate What Matters (affiliate link), I'm sharing this because of the positive influence they've had in my life this last year. Keep scrolling to see how the PowerSheets helped me and the specific goals I focused on this year.

What are PowerSheets and why are they so great?

Following is a little more about PowerSheets, those fancy goal-planning pages from the Cultivate What Matters shop, and what they gave me this year especially...

1. A few therapy sessions of sorts to process.

The beginning pages offer in-depth pre-planning processing. In those pages I remembered what brings me to life, what motivates me, and what is deeply meaningful to me. I named where I was currently, embracing the good and letting go of the bad. I called out my fears by name and made the commitment to step into those fears and move forward.

I made a list of all the great things from the year before to remember God is still faithful to show up even in the valleys, then I listed the challenges to note what was in my control to change and what wasn't. I listed the people I was grateful for and took time to write some of them notes so they knew it. I reflected on the lessons I learned that year, which I shared in my Lessons on Slow post.

This pre-planning process was so many things. It was therapeutic and validating. It was revealing and healing. It was a more accurate look at where I found myself and where I was headed, that accounted for my feelings and fears, but didn't leave them in the driver's seat. This process and those 30+ pages before I even got to the goal-setting were a huge part of the value I found in PowerSheets.

2. A way to both dream about the future and workout practical steps to start now.

The goal-planning steps in the PowerSheets were just as thorough as the pre-planning. By the time I moved on to goal-planning, I felt like I had already been brought back to life. A spark that had been missing was reignited. I had a clearer idea of the goals I wanted to pursue and the smaller steps that would help me accomplish them.

I evaluated where I was currently in eight categories of my life and decided what I was saying yes to and what I was saying no to in each of those areas. This gave me a better grasp of the foundation habits I needed to work on before or along with some of the other bigger goals.

3. Accountability of sorts with monthly tending lists and reflection pages.

Beginnings are my jam, and the monthly Tending Lists in the PowerSheets mean I get to celebrate that every month. (I even started #BeginMonthly on Instagram as my way to slow down and celebrate those routine new beginnings that I love so much.)

The Tending Lists helped me stay motivated to continue progress on my goals throughout the month, however small. And the Month in Review pages helped me celebrate progress from the previous month and let go of any guilt over goals I didn't feel good about.

Whether you're into beginnings, love the middles, or are a big finisher, PowerSheets have something to make every part of that process a celebration of sorts.

4. Space to reevaluate and refocus goals each season.

In my experience, goals change with seasons of life. My Summer tends to be more family focused while the kids are out of school, Winter is often about surviving and attempting to savor, while my Spring and Fall are when I dive into my bigger personal, home, or work goals. Having check-in points to reevaluate the direction of my goals throughout the year was so helpful in making sure I was still prioritizing the right things for the current season.

Are they worth it?
We have a really tight budget, so for years I've wanted these planning pages, but just couldn't justify the cost. I am so thankful to that special person who gifted them to me. Not only was it the perfect timing when I really needed this boost in my life, it also helped me see how these pages are an investment to my overall health and wellbeing. That's exactly what I told my husband when I talked about buying my PowerSheets for 2019, and he agreed they are worth the cost.

Now, want to see the actual goals I focused on this year? Keep scrolling...

The Goals that Brought Me Back to Life

You know that Thomas Edison quote that says something like: Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration? That applies here. Setting goals and making plans is the important, but small beginning steps of inspiration for what's to come. They only matter if action, or perspiration, follows. Below are the goals I set this year and the steps that followed that helped me feel more fully alive after a too long low.

I naturally think in terms of categories, so I started with the following goal categories. Then within those I thought out the daily or weekly rhythms I wanted to create to improve each area. (I do better with goals that have a specific task to check off.) If there were goals that I wanted to reach but didn't have a recurring habit to work into my routine, then I wrote those down as monthly goals to work toward.

Health

My overall goal: To feel better. It was a vague goal, but I knew in my head exactly what it would be like including more stable mental and emotional health, as well as energy and feeling alive.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Devotional time, taking vitamins, morning movement, evening stretching, mini-retreats (baths, journaling, etc.), drinking tea during the week instead of coffee, dark chocolate instead of other treats, mindfulness habits, writing morning pages, reading before bed and going to bed by 10 p.m. We also attended an 8-week seminar on mental health.

Family

My overall goal: Meaningful time together. This can get lost in the hustle of homework and dinner and bedtime routines. So I made sure family time was on my goals list as my reminder of what, or rather who, is really important in life.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Morning and/or evening family worships, regular date nights that didn't include binge-watching TV. And potty-training the "baby" of the family made it on to more than one monthly goal list.

Work

My overall goal: Professionalism and consistency. I work from home very part-time, so I wanted to do this well and build a good foundation for whatever is next for me career-wise as my youngest eases into school.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Completing my freelance commitments in a timely manner, dressing for work (even though I work from home), "clocking-in" daily to continue getting ahead on my tasks list even if I was technically caught up.

Connections

My overall goal: Build thriving connections. Being a stay-at-home-/work-from-home-mom and an introvert means it's all too easy for me to be home and disconnected for long stretches. Even as an introvert, this hindered me in a lot of ways, so I wanted to show up more and be more connected in the relationships I already have.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Making arrangements to see local friends in person, initiating get-togethers for a local group I'm a part of, sending hand-written notes to friends, meeting up with my Mastermind group regularly, helping lead a small church group, texting friends to checkin.

Outdoors

My overall goal: Spend more time outside. I started to realize I felt more fully alive the times I was outside, so I needed to be proactive to work this into my life more regularly.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Reading on the porch, going for walks, exploring state parks with the family on the weekends, getting outside with the kids during school breaks, making Seasonal Bucket Lists that include outdoor adventures, driving outside city limits at least once a month.

Home

My overall goal: Make our home a little simpler. I've been simplifying our home for a decade and have learned that simplifying isn't a once-and-done thing for me. Simplifying is an ongoing habit of going through our things, cleaning up spots that clutter easily, and making sure our home continues to be the welcoming, calm, clean place I need it to be. It's an ongoing work-in-progress and I've found my peace with that.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Make a chore chart for the kids and implement daily chores, work on cleaning out and simplifying at least one area per month.

Budget

My overall goal: Stay in budget and increase income to expand sinking funds. Our budget has always been a point of frustration for us, one that's partly out of our control. So my goal was simply to control the small part that I could, and let go of the parts beyond me.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Set the budget at the beginning of each month and balance the budget weekly, start sinking funds in our savings for future expenses, stay in budget.

Create

My overall goal: Find the fun in creating again. The fog I found myself in last year was also a fog over my creativity. I didn't have the same joy in creating and so I just didn't do it as much. I wanted that back.

Daily, weekly, or monthly habits I worked on: Using my guided journals regularly, writing blog posts that I really wanted to write, doing a project for fun with no other end goal for it.

I didn't do this whole list the whole year. Instead, I focused on specific aspects of each category various times throughout the year. These goals, while pretty basic, were the foundation I needed to feel good about life again. And that's no small thing.

It's actually what I had been working on before, but with a written plan to track my progress and way to reflect, I now felt like it was meaningful work rather than trivial. I was accomplishing something important with each of these small and simple habits. No quick fixes, just moving forward slow and steady over the long haul. And that is something I will be proud of for years to come.

There are a variety of reasons I've seen improvements this year from the last couple. The goals I set with my PowerSheets definitely played a big part in that. I still have my struggles and hard days/seasons, of course. But I've become more intentional through it and seen the positive outcomes. This is the turning point in adding more life back into my life, and I am truly thankful and anticipating continued growth in the year ahead.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
making sense of a hard year
slow and steady self-care
fostering connection
get my emails

*Note: Affiliate links used in this post. Purchases made through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to you.

Fostering Connection (and free conversation cards)

2018-09-13T14:14:00.002-05:00

I cried while giving a devotional talk to my church's mom's group. That's not unheard of. I usually share personal or vulnerable things, so emotions being attached is normal. This particular time two years ago, however, was a little different.

I didn't cry because of what I shared; I cried because as I stood in front of that group of women telling about a challenging thing we were going through, I realized that was the first time I had talked about it with any friends at all.

I felt so deeply alone in that moment realizing I had been carrying this thing myself. I was sharing a story publicly that I had yet to connect and share privately.

I believe our stories matter and I believe in the power of us telling and receiving those stories. But there's generally stages to that sharing. It starts close to ourselves, perhaps in prayer or as we process with pen and paper or to a spouse. Then it's shared in other safe places like with a counselor and a close friend or two. It could also be shared in a small group, among friends or in some type of support group.

As all of those things happen, we bring our stories together and we relate with each other. We're no longer alone with this story, we're surrounded with support and the deep healing work of connection.

We shortchange ourselves of that meaningful necessary connection when we don't share our stories in smaller, more personal ways. When we jump straight to sharing our experiences publicly in a blog post, on Facebook, or for a devotional, or if we don't share them at all, we're still as alone with it as we were before.

We are made for connection. And struggling in friendships doesn't exclude us from that connection.

The many words I've written and spoken have rarely been about friendship, because I struggle with it. I often feel like I don't belong, or wonder like Mindy Kaling's so-relate-able book title, Is everyone hanging out without me? When I go through a challenging season, I disappear from my friends not reaching out or making an effort. The term "ghosting" was made up for people like me.

Those struggles with friendship don't exclude me from connection. When asked in high school if I'd rather 10 acquaintances or 1 close friend, I always chose the 1 close friend. I want meaningful connection, and I don't get that in easy breezy conversations with people I hardly know. But I've learned I can experience connection with people I hardly know when we show up ready for connection.

Connection Happens When…

Following is a little more about those meaningful connections and what makes them happen. Then, grab these conversation cards to inspire meaningful connection with your friends, during a girls night, or for some other small group gathering.

1. Connection happens when we offer connection first.

He who sows sparingly will reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will reap bountifully. 2 Corinthians 9:6-7

Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you. Luke 6:38

The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself. Proverbs 11:25

If we want to be encouraged and supported, we have to encourage and support. If we want to be invited, we need to invite. If we want to be asked how we're doing by someone who means it and wants our genuine answer, then we need to genuinely ask and await the answer from others. We need to do to others what we wish was done to us. Blessed is she who makes the first move.

2. Connection happens when we tell our stories and let others tell theirs.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Our stories matter. They're ultimately retellings of the story of salvation. By telling our stories, we’re claiming our need for and acceptance of salvation and inviting others to identify Christ in their stories, too. It’s never too late to let Jesus take over the writing of our story and even to help us reconcile or make sense of our past. Our complete-ish stories shared (with a friend, in a group, as a testimony, in an article) let others know they’re not alone, they tell about Jesus and offer an invitation to come-and-see, and they offer hope in the hurt. We don’t just experience for ourselves, we experience for a collective gain.

3. Connection happens when we love like Jesus loves, in person with our whole self.

This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12

Jesus could have loved us from afar--and he did/does. But He also came to live on this earth, to interact and talk and heal and connect. When Jesus tells us to love like Him, I believe that's what He means. Love in person with our whole self. Be present to those around us. In real life. And if we're going to use technology, may it still be personal. May we still use uplifting words in personal messages to connect in genuine ways.

4. Connection happens when we are in Christ.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ...Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:1, 7

Just as the motions of love without love is nothing, so are our acts of connecting without Christ equally lacking. When we connect in Christ first, our connections with others bring new meaning and a deeper hope that transcends this moment.

5. Connection happens when we give of ourselves in the way we know how or were created.

There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all. 1 Corinthians 12:4-6

We each have our own gifts and personalities and strengths. Our connections are more meaningful when we start there. I write handwritten cards to my friends, not because I think everyone should do that, but because that's one way I can share my gifts and my self with those I care about. Some people are good at phone calls or hosting or starting conversations or bringing by pizza during a difficult season. Do what you know how to do, what you were created to do.

6. Connection happens when we relate / empathize, and journey with others.

To the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. Now this I do for the gospel’s sake, that I may be partaker of it with you. 1 Corinthians 9:22-23

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Romans 12:15-16

We generally aren't meant to have the answers for other people's struggles. Usually we aren't even meant to have opinions about their experiences. Even a counselor won't often have input on what you should do; that's not our role for our fellow people. We are to show up with our own joys and struggles, and in that sharing of those human experiences we are equals in our need for Jesus and His grace and His salvation. We are in this life together, not any one person besides Christ ahead of us.

To be present in someone else's struggle and know they're present in ours--that is the depth of friendship and that is the depth we can also be present to each other's successes and joys.

7. Connection happens when we don’t give up.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, And a time to laugh; ... A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; .. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts…” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

Just because we don’t have connection now, doesn’t mean we never will. We are assured God makes everything beautiful in its time, including our lives and including our relationships. When we feel discouraged by our present, we can be assured that we are created with the hope of eternity deeply rooted in our hearts. When right now isn't good, we can be sure that it's not the end because God's good always gets the last word.

I'm preaching all of this to myself. I've stayed on the sidelines, I've thrown the pity parties. I've had serious FOMO confirmed by social media posts telling me everything I've missed out on. But it doesn't have to be that way. I can extend invitations and believe I'm worth hanging out with. I can make an effort, even if I'm the one that made an effort last time (I'm usually not). I will show up for my people and it will be worth it.

Don't let the opportunity to connect pass you by. Reach out to encourage and support those around you (even if they're not yet "friends"). Ask how someone is doing and make sure they know you want the real answer. Entrust those close to you with your story. Show up in person with your own personality and strengths. Empathize instead of carrying the burden to rescue.

If you'd like some conversation cards to use in your conversations with your friends, for a girls night, or in a small group you're a part of, you can download my 8 conversation cards >> here. They cover 80 statements that you can use to share pieces of your own story, or turn them into questions to ask others pieces of their story.

And don't give up. We were made for connection, and if we're not enjoying it now, one day we will if we don't lose heart.

>>>

also see:

new? start here...

the joy of missing out

girls night ideas

email signup

Finding the Joy in Missing Out

2018-09-06T11:55:00.002-05:00

My FOMO (fear of missing out) is actually a confirmation of having missed out every time I get online. I'm reminded of what others are doing that I'm not; local gatherings I wasn't invited to; and life milestones that I haven't met or may never meet, but my peers have.

I've actually missed out on a lot in life. Some even big things that I still think about years after the fact. Like not going to one of my BFF's weddings over a decade ago. Or not graduating high school. I've also missed out on building a career and buying a home (at least for now).

Missing out is a fact of life, and fearing it is just causing me to miss out on what I have here and now. We have every right and even the power to replace our fear and disappointment with joy, contentment, and gratitude.

Everything I have "missed out on" represents some other opportunity or life experience I got to be a part of.

I didn't make it to my friend's wedding because I was about to have a baby and didn't want to risk travelling out of state. I didn't graduate high school because it seemed pointless after the life experience I gained living overseas the nine months before. I set aside my career and our hopes of buying a home so that I could be the daily caregiver for our kids while they were young.

It all depends on our focus--am I too busy pouting about what I've missed to see the joy of what I have?

Because I have a lot, and not appreciating it in some ways is equal to not having it. Giving into the fear or disappointment over comparisons keeps me from even recognizing what's right in front of me. It may not be a lot compared to others, but since it's all I've got, it's everything to me.

Following are a few things I'm learning about replacing fear with joy:

1. There is no fear in love.
"Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18) Fear when talked about in the FOMO context is often said in more of a joking way, but I believe it's fear nonetheless. It has no place in my life or in my faith. Jesus' perfect love casts out fear, where it is replaced with peace and joy and goodness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

2. We get to choose abundant life.
Jesus said that "the thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." Doesn't that sound like what happens when we let social media, comparisons, or other distractions or addictions suck the life out of us? Trivializing it just gives it more power. But Jesus came that we "may have life, and have it more abundantly." (John 10:10) I believe it's possible. When we take back what's being taken from us by being present and attentive and thankful. Living this one life we have with abundance.

3. Fullness of joy is in love.
After Jesus talked about the vine and branches, he summarized by saying, "As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love." And we abide in His love by following his commandments to love (see #4 below). When we do this--when we abide in Jesus by loving--His joy remains in us in full. (John 15:9-11) Fullness of joy is in the fullness of our love.

4. Love as Jesus loved--in person.
Jesus' commandment is that we "love one another" as He has loved us (John 15:12). He could love us from afar--and He did/does. But He came to this world to love us in person, then gave us the Holy Spirit so that we can continue to be loved in person. Isn't that the best way to love? In person? Giving of our self? If you take away all the extras of life, what's left, the actual substance of life is love--being loved and loving others. We don't do that by being consumed and distracted and handing our lives away. We do that by being present and attentive to those around us.

Whether our fear keeps us chasing what isn't meant for us, or if it's just the emotional pit that lingers when we see our "dull" lives in contrast to "everyone else's"--the power to change that is not in doing more. It's in simply being.

Be present in this moment, in all of its unglamorous glory and know that this is life. This breathing. These people. This home. These choices that you've made and the ones still ahead. The way you spend your time and the moments that make up your life.

There is joy in it, joy in missing out on what's best for everyone else's life so that you can live what's best for your life.

Live it in love with joy.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
getting through season transitions
how to get the most out of today
email signup

*Credit to my sister-in-law Michaela who first introduced me to the idea of JOMO (joy of missing out) years ago.

For Those of Us Who Adjust Slowly to Change

2018-08-24T11:52:00.002-05:00

I spent the morning reading in a hammock, peeking up at the palm trees above me to lock them in memory. I had tagged along with my husband to his work conference in Florida, and we were going to be flying back home to the midwest that afternoon.

He spent his days in meetings, while I spent mine soaking up sunshine and rain and all the green. And getting to choose how I spent my time without interruption (stuff I didn't know to dream of before I had kids).

Each day I walked from the little resort's lobby with blended coffee in hand. That first day, I stopped just past the little wooden bridge in front of the wall of greenery that surrounded the pool area and impulsively smiled. My heart felt so full that it threatened to release in the form of tears.

I can't explain it, and I don't think we have to explain what makes us feel alive, but green plants and sunshine in that moment made me feel so happy I could cry. Like I'd returned home--the place I was always meant to be.

To mix it up, I left the serenity under the hammock and relocated to read by the pool. Again, spending as much time reading as mentally scanning the abundance of luscious green plants into my memory bank.

Longer reading breaks were for floating in the cool water to get relief from the heat of the morning sun. Just me and a couple elderly women relaxing at the edge of the calm end of the pool. The hammock and the pool and the palm trees--it's the stuff vacation dreams are made of.

Within a couple hours we were already packed up and on our way to the airport. A storm rolled in, delaying our flight, followed by another hour-plus delay while we sat on the plane. With each minute that passed, that morning's relaxation drifted further and further away.

By that same night, I went to sleep exhausted in my own bed in Nebraska. It was like the morning was a distant dream I wouldn't have believed was real if I hadn't taken pictures of it and spent so much time taking it in to try not to forget.

This is the disoriented space I often find myself during seasons of transition... like waiting in the airport for our direct flight from relaxed summer days full of sun and green, straight to the uber structured days of the school year followed closely by a long season of cold.

There's definitely good to each season that comes around. It often just takes me a moment, or a few, to re-find my footing there. To become reoriented to finding joy in this simple present, not the one from before that I yearn for.

If you, like me, adjust slowly and sometimes reluctantly to change... there is space for us to transition at our own pace. We don't have to rush from season to season as quickly as we perceive others doing so.

We don't have to be ready for the school year when the supplies come out in July, or ready for fall when the Halloween costumes start being displayed on the same day we posted the kids' back-to-school pictures. Or ready for summer when the swimsuits show up while there's still snow on the ground. I happen to love summer, so that one is just a cruel tease.

We can rush into the next season if we choose to, but we don't have to. We can take it at our pace, fast or slow, readily or reluctantly.

Following is what helps me get through a season transition when I'm reluctant to accept what's next:

1. Look around and find something to be grateful for here.
My go-to is my people. Even if they sometimes stress me out, they are still the part of life I'm most thankful. I also experience a reflexive deep sense of gratitude when I am in places I love (nature or my simple living room), or when I spend time doing things I love (flipping through magazines for inspiration or writing).

2. Remember, or create, something to look forward to.
There is usually something coming up that makes the next season feel worth diving into. Whether it's pleasantries of the season (summer is my jam, but I do love a cozy sweater and hot drink in the cooler months); an event or gathering; or some new role or opportunity (like my return to blogging now that my youngest is at preschool). If I have nothing to look forward to, that usually means it's time for me to plan something like inviting friends over or finding local events to attend.

3. Give self grace to not live in this in-between with as much ease as desired.
The first few days of any transition feels deeply uncomfortable to me. Even if it's a transition I've been through before or have looked forward to. The first days of school, the first days of summer, even the first days of switching up something in our home. Instead of being frustrated by that, I'm learning to expect it and let it happen, knowing the feelings often calm within a day or two.

Those of us who are reluctant to change will adjust to this new season.

Eventually. In our own time.

And that's okay.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
lessons on slow
self-care over the long haul
email signup

Practical Ways to Take Care of Yourself

2018-04-11T11:17:00.003-05:00

*Affiliate links used. See full note below.

If we're not at our best, it's hard to act our best and get done what needs to be done. Ask me how I know. Actually, just read my vulnerable sharing of my slow and steady self-care over the long haul from last week. This is a follow-up to that with some more practical ideas, because self-care isn't all bubble baths (although, for me, sometimes it is).

Schedule Doctors' Appointments

This was my number one goal for starting the new year. I made a list of appointments I knew I needed for the year (dermatologist for a skin screening, routine cleaning at the dentist, yearly exam with the gynecologist, sessions with the counselor). Then, I sat down one afternoon and made all of the appointments. Often my neglect of going to the doctor is making the appointment; once the appointment is made, all I have left is to follow through. I put them in my calendar, so now I don't have to think about it again until the date approaches. This is my first time doing this. For the last few years I scheduled appointments last-minute or not at all, and put off going to the doctor even when I was having obvious things going on (lethargy and such that ended up being deficiencies in iron one time and Vitamin D another time). It's not worth putting off, when a visit and a blood draw could potentially lead to an easier solution than I'm imagining. (Side note: I realize this is a bigger deal or harder to do depending on your health care plan. Start with knowing what your plan covers, then prioritize and work toward the essentials if you have a problem that needs addressed. For instance, a hurting tooth could lead to a bigger expense later on.)

Move and Stretch

This is my super low-key daily exercise routine--"move" in the morning and stretch in the evening. I know I should do more, but I'm learning to let go of the shoulds and pick up what works for me in this season. And what works for me in this season is moving at least a little--a few exercises in my room at the start of the day or even walking the kids to and from school like I used to. And ending my day with some stretches--it's basically an at-home yoga flow with some vinyasas and my favorite poses or stretches thrown in. Eventually I'll do more. For now, this is enough to build from.

Drink Water

Thankfully I actually like water, so this isn't necessarily a hard one for me. What's helped is using a stainless steel tumbler with a straw that makes it easy as can be to take quick sips all throughout the day. (With no concerns of spilling it on myself or fumbling with a lid.) I fill it at night so I can drink it when I first wake up, then I refill around breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When I've had morning sickness or needed something extra, I just add fresh lemon slices for a yummy and healthy twist.

Take Supplements

I was in the supplements-are-a-scam camp before some doctor's visits at different times proved I was deficient in iron and Vitamin D. I've since taken my supplements a little more seriously, especially being a busy mom of picky-eaters (and being picky myself) means we don't always have the most well-rounded meals. I continue to take Vitamin D, a Vitamin B complex, and iron year-round. Your doctor can help direct you on which would be beneficial for you to take and how much.

Go Outside

No seriously. Step outdoors. Or am I the only that forgets this simple, healing act? Fresh air and sunshine (doesn't have to be direct) can do so much for overall health, especially in the de-stressing realm. A quick walk around the neighborhood, reading on the porch while the kids ride their bikes, or exploring a nearby state park or trails are my favorites.

Get Offline

I've written many times before of my love-hate relationship with technology and especially social media. The hate side comes with how addicting and distracting it can be, as well as how I find myself feeling stressed or even anxious after just scrolling through my feeds. I set (and try to stick to) daily limits for myself--don't log on until I've gotten certain things done, check-in but don't keep scrolling, post when I actually have something to post, put my phone down when the kids are around, and log off at least 30-60 minutes before bed. I also make sure when I'm on it, I'm using it for the love-part--connecting with people, making plans to get together, writing and sharing encouraging things.

Write Morning Pages

I learned about this from a friend and it has made a huge difference in my mental and emotional health. I've always kept a journal that I use during my morning devotional time, but the idea of morning pages is a little less directed. You simply write anything on your mind for a set limit of pages (my friend did 3) or a set amount of time. I could sit forever, but in this season I've gotta work on my doing, so I simply write 1 page processing a Bible text and 1 page writing anything on my heart/mind. It's been so therapeutic to have a place that I can get my thoughts out right at the start of the day to think a little clearer about the tasks ahead of me. Then, I sometimes go back later in the day to write a little more if I have more to work through. Of course there's value to an actual therapist/counselor, but this has been a necessary addition for a daily therapy.

Take an Epsom Bubble Bath

I love a good bath, but usually avoid it because we've only ever had bath tubs in rental homes that are quite shallow and don't at all measure up to my luxurious fantasy. Then, I started getting more regular headaches/migraines and dealt with some anxiety, and a hot Epsom bath seemed to be one of a few things that actually helped. When I have a persistent headache, I put peppermint or muscle relief essential oils on my neck/shoulders, take a bath with a scoop of Epsom salts, and put a pack of frozen veggies wrapped in a tea towel on the back of my neck--the combo works wonders. When I'm feeling stressed or anxious, I make the bath with Epsom salts and a couple cap fulls of Epsom bath bubbles--the hot water is grounding and the bubbles are calming.

Light a Candle

I actually forget to light candles. Even when they're sitting there smelling good and looking pretty, even when I have matches or a lighter nearby. Lighting a candle when I'm reading or taking bath, when I'm getting work done, or after doing the dishes, is a tangible reminder to slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy the moment. Woodwick candles are my favorite, because the crackling adds an extra sensory reminder beyond the scent. And blowing it out is like a sweet take-care until next time.

See a Friend

Spoken like a true introvert that seeing friend's isn't natural for me and has to be added to my reminders. Talking with a friend in person is a form of self-care, even for true introverts like me. Humans were not created to be hermits--we're better together, even if together happens in small doses.

Read Truth

Honestly I don't know for sure if we think our way into doing or do our way into thinking, but I believe life is a little bit of both. And directing my thoughts starts with reading and dwelling on Truth. For me, that's reading my Bible at least a little bit everyday--even a text or two. It's also choosing to read books that inspire and encourage, or even challenge me to do hard, but good things like love others. Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado and Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown are two I've read recently that especially felt like a boost in self-care. Reading often gets pushed off the priority list, especially if you're a slow-/non-reader like me. But I've learned putting reading into my daily routine, at least for a few minutes after lunch and a few minutes before bed, can be just the antidote I need to life's chaos.

This isn't meant to add to your already long list of to-dos. It's meant to be the routine foundation of a healthy, thriving life that's even capable of tackling a to-do list. I've had to go about this one tiny habit at a time. Putting a place in my planner to actually checkoff when I take my vitamins or stretch or write my morning pages. Those are my new daily minimum, because when I do at least that, I am almost always able to do all the other things I tell myself are more important.

But how important are they really if I neglect myself to the point of lifelessness? It's not worth it. Ever.

It's your turn. Pull out a pen and paper (or a notebook you can collect these sorts of things in). Write "Ways to care for myself" and start listing whatever comes to mind. Then try to choose just one to actually do over the next month. Whether you already have good self-care routines, or need a self-care intervention, putting some effort into the hard and slow care of your own health is never wasted. You deserve it.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
30 ways to slow + rest
self-care over the long haul
slow reader to book lover
simple emails

*Note: Affiliate links used in this post. Any purchases made through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to you. Thank you!

Slow and Steady Self-Care Over the Long Haul

2018-03-29T15:44:00.002-05:00

My now 7-year-old was 6-days-old, laying on a blanket with sun pouring on him through the condo window. I laid on the floor beside him, soaking in the same sunrays and locking the sweetness of the moment into memory.

Not even an hour before, I was on the beach just a block away.

It was my brother's destination wedding weekend in St. Pete Beach, Florida just a 2-hours drive from our home at the time. It was Sabbath, the day before the wedding, and both families (my brother's and his bride's) were out enjoying a warm January morning on the beach. Beaches are my absolute favorite, so of course I longed to join them.

Sure, I'd delivered an 11-pound baby just 6 days before. But I figured if I could get out to where everyone was, I would just sit and enjoy the scenery and let my postpartum body relax. How hard could it be?

Apparently harder than I thought. Not even a few yards into the sand, I felt like I'd paced a dessert and back. I was hot, my calves ached, and I felt heavy like I was sinking further into quicksand with each step. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to where everyone else was, and certainly not make it all the way back. My husband walked baby and me back to the condo where we could get some real rest.

At first, I felt defeated. Who can't simply walk on a beach?

Then, nestled with baby on the condo floor, I looked over at my sweet little chub filling out his size 0-3 month onesie. I felt the warmth of the sun washing away my false hopes of where I thought I should be and felt a deep peace knowing this was exactly where I needed to be. With my brand new only-a-newborn-once son, relishing the view of watching him sleep. Letting my body slow and rest to allow the post-childbirth bleeding to stop in its own time, rather than making it worse by pushing myself in the name of not missing out.

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That's the image that keeps coming to mind as I think about my venture into self-care over the last couple years. Except I've had a long walk off the beach away from what I wanted, to be able to find a little more of what I needed. And that was some good old fashioned self-care.

I've had to say "no" to so many things I wanted, including after saying some haphazard "yeses" on my good days. I've felt guilty over disappointing people with my lack of follow-through, and simultaneously embarrassed that I didn't understand what I was going through so couldn't use it as an explanation.

I've had mornings that I strongly felt I couldn't go on without a nap at 9 a.m., or some naps I've woken up from and prayed for the energy to get out of bed. I've been unable to cry and felt like I'd explode from the pressure, and I've been afraid I felt too much and might not be able to stop crying if I started. I've experienced my first panic attacks and my first realization that some low-grade anxiety has maybe always been part of my life, the same way low-grade depression has.

I've lost passion for things I've loved to the point of thinking the words, "I miss being alive." Of course I knew I meant I miss feeling alive, but in my head it was being fully alive that I missed.

And honestly, all of this has gone off and on with outsiders hardly able to notice unless I told them so. There were still tons of good and capable moments and days to make me believe I was fine or just having the occasional "off" day. I wasn't clinically depressed with a "fix" one diagnosis and prescription away. Instead, it was a web of symptoms connected to a web of causes that ebbed and flowed, leaving me not always able to decipher if the chicken laid the egg or hatched from the egg.

Untangling the web has included slow and steady self-care over the long haul. Yearly doctor's appointments and blood draws that at various times pointed to low iron and low Vitamin D as the culprits to my lack of energy, loss of passion, mixed up emotions. Starting my own routine with a counselor, because no amount of my encouraging others to see a counselor makes up for my not seeing one myself in 10 years. (And realizing I didn't even finish what I first started in counseling 10 years ago.)

Not accepting the explanation that I have 3 kids and that's why I'm tired, as if this inner aching is the life I can expect from here on. (You would not believe how many times people remind me I have 3 kids as if that's reason enough to be incapable of living my life to its fullest.)

Regularly taking iron, a Vitamin B complex, and Vitamin D even in the summer (because it was still summer when I first tested low in it). And more daily habits including nightly vinyasas, less caffeine and more water, writing morning pages for a little daily therapy, making an effort to see good friends, saying no when old me could have said yes, allowing space for the feels even if they're uncomfortable, and grace for not being able to fit in a day what I once was able to.

And the doozy for me: Finding my value in something other than productivity. Seeing that God gave me worth in my mere existence (based on His mere existence), not in anything I'm capable of and can produce. When I had newborn babies, I felt accomplished when the laundry was clean and the dishes put away. Now when I do only those things, I reprimand myself for not having done more.

I have a long history of depending on results I can see and checking off lists, so I've had to make new lists that simply ask, Did I put pen to paper today, even if it was just in my own journal? Did I take my vitamins? Did I read truth from God's Word? Did I unplug and sit in the uncomfortable stillness if even for a moment? Did I truly see my loved ones and be present with them? Can I find at least one reason to be grateful? If yes, then I succeeded in living today.

The results of getting things done will for sure fade away; the deeper meaningfulness of life cannot. Because even when we're gone from this Earth, we are forever safely in God's care. And that's enough for me to trust. And give thanks.

>>>

I'm still in the midst of it. Soaking in the Son-rays washing away my false hopes of where I think I should be and accepting the deep peace knowing this is exactly where I need to be. Letting my body slow and rest to allow the metaphorical bleeding to stop in its own time, rather than making it worse by pushing myself in the name of not missing out.

I've meant to write about self-care for a while now, but imagined more of a how-to post or list of ideas for you to use (updated: here's that list of self-care ideas). I suppose simply telling you my vulnerably honest experience these last couple years is what really needed to come forth, despite it's melancholy overtones. The full human experience includes the range of joy and pain, sometimes even at the same time.

If you can at all relate, may you feel a little less alone and be encouraged to get the help that you need. You are every bit worth the effort and the care, dear friend.

>>>

also see:

new? start here...

practical ways to self-care
making sense of a hard year

5 things only you can do

grow life emails

The Yes Effect: An Unofficial Book Guide

2018-01-22T11:10:00.001-06:00

My favorite books--the ones that affect me and change me and pull me closer to the heart of God--are books like The Yes Effect by Luis Bush with Darcy Wiley. The stories and ideas are both powerful and practical. They inspire God possibilities for everyday people like me.

This is a blog of yes. From my first post: Journey of Yes. To the start of the Epic Beginner blog series: Say Yes. So I knew from the moment I heard about it that I wanted to read and share this book my friend Darcy Wiley helped write.

Our yeses matter. It especially matters that we spend our yeses on the best in life--Jesus, people, and putting love in action for both. And that's just the sort of yes this book inspires.

Books like this just beg to be discussed with a small group, journaled through on your own, or a combination of the two. The Yes Effect (aff. link; see full note below*) is not just a book of good stories, it's a book to spur action--a change of heart that effects a change of life.

Thankfully, Luis and Darcy concluded each chapter with thoughtful questions to do just that. Invite a few friends to go through the book with you, or pull out a notebook to reflect on the content and action ideas yourself. I compiled a few quotes and corresponding questions below to get you started.

Quotes + Questions from The Yes Effect

Following are some of my favorite quotes and corresponding questions from The Yes Effect by Luis Bush with Darcy Wiley. Use these as you go through the book yourself or to go through the concepts from the book with a small group. (Find this list in printable form below.)

The bold headlines are chapters from the book; quotes used with permission, see copyright information below.

1. Follow Your Leaders

"Listen for God's invitation to join His transforming work in the world around you. And be ready to say yes." (p. 38)

Who impacted you with the Gospel? Whose words or ministry influences or inspires you?

2. Open Your Heart

Resist "flitting from one thing to another and becoming desensitized to the most dire needs around us." (p. 55)

What one outside need brought a strong response in you recently? Write or sketch what captures your heart for that situation.

3. Fix Your Eyes

"Imagine if we became more overwhelmed by the presence of God than by the worries of the world." (p. 78)

Carve out a few minutes to pray about the needs that burden you. What is God bringing to your mind or pressing into your heart?

4. Move Your Feet

"Your response to God's daily invitations will determine how much of His renewing work in the world you will get to see. ... it's your turn to do something, to get on your feet and see what happens." (p. 101)

Where is God inviting you today?

5. Find Your People

"We do our part, other people do theirs, and God causes the increase." (p. 121)

List the gifts, skills, and resources God gave you. Meet with someone already connected to the situation on your heart to discuss the needs and your possible contribution.

6. Stand Your Ground

"If we focus on the joy set before us, our faith and work will be more informed by the good ahead than the gloom here and now." (p. 141)

What resistance, internal or external, are you facing in your effort to help others?

7. Celebrate Your Chain Reaction

God "gives us an invitation to look back on what He has accomplished in and around us" to renew our vigor. (p. 164)

Have you experienced Jesus personally? Has he moved you to act in faith or share your faith?

8. Lead Your Followers

We have the privilege of walking alongside young people, "helping them grow in the Lord and say yes" to their own invitations. (p. 188)

What youth has God placed in your care or influence? How might you intentionally mentor them?

For more of The Yes Effect:

Print the above "unofficial book guide" for The Yes Effect to use yourself or with a small group.
Listen to Darcy share some of the behind-the-scenes of writing The Yes Effect on the Devoted Dreamers Podcast.
Get your own copy of The Yes Effect to fully dive into the stories and ideas.
January 29-March 31, 2018 - Join The Yes Effect Book Club on Facebook!

What yes is God leading you to or reaffirming in you?

Quotations taken from The Yes Effect: Accepting God's Invitation to Transform the World Around You by Luis Bush with Darcy Wiley. ©2017 by Luis Bush. Published by Moody Publishers. Used by permission.

>>>

also see:
new? start here...
epic beginner
email sign-up

*Note: affiliate links used. Purchases made through these links could earn me a small commission with no extra cost to you. Thank you!

Lessons on Slow -- Making Sense of a Hard Year

2018-01-02T16:11:00.001-06:00

Last year was my year for slow. When I chose that word for the year, I imagined a beautifully simplified and intentionally filled life. I would let go of unnecessary commitments, and fill my time with the best stuff life has to offer. Instead, after I said "no" to some things, I did not like the slow that I was met with. Instead of leading me to beautiful new commitments, God walked with me through the challenging slow.

Slow made all of the emotional struggles I didn't even know I was hiding come to the surface. Slow felt itchy and uncomfortable like I needed something, anything, to do to ignore it a while longer. Slow revealed a grief over a life transition that I hadn't yet realized I was mourning. Slow made room for the fog in my life, and I did not like the fog, therefore I did not like that season of slow.

For all of those reasons, last year was a hard year. It was also a really good year with a strong list of amazing memories and experiences with people I love and in cool places. Those were moments of joy in an otherwise tough season. A season that leaves me feeling so thankful now that it's over.

I'm thankful because the challenges of last year taught me some lasting, meaningful lessons.

1. Growth doesn't always look like big, beautiful blooms.

Sometimes it looks like worms and dirt and mulch. But that doesn't mean strong, foundational roots aren't growing under the surface. I not entirely on purpose turned to a lot of children's books on seasons and growth. Each of those books offered sweet and simple encouragement for what I was experiencing.

2. The good stuff in life is all from God.

Particularly His creation--people and nature. It brings such lasting joy even in the middle of spiritual or emotional or relational wildernesses. We frequented a nearby park on the weekends, were in the path of totality for the solar eclipse, enjoyed a Thanksgiving sunrise, and even went on a cruise for our 10-year anniversary. Those experiences brought so much joy being with people I love and enjoying the awesome wonders of God's creation.

3. Be careful what you ask for.

Just kidding. Kind of. Choosing to focus on and make room for "slow" this year opened up an unexpected, and altogether necessary, can of worms. But in gardening and in life, worms can be used for good.

4. Self-care isn't all manicures and bubble baths.

Often self-care is hard things like doctor appointments and taking vitamins and breaking socially acceptable addictions like social media scrolling and Netflix binging. Nobody can do those things for you. And, yes, sometimes self-care is even bubble baths and manicures.

5. "Away" doesn't solve problems.

They'll just follow along for the ride. Addressing problems is the only real way to solve them. This is a lesson I've learned and relearned a few times over since I was 15. And yet I still dream of going "away" when I feel discomfort.

It's your turn. Pull out a pen and paper (or a notebook you can collect these sorts of things in). Write "What I learned in the last year" and start listing whatever comes to mind. Write a list of short phrases, or fill out a story or experience that goes with it if you want. Sometimes acknowledging the end result or seeing a lesson learned can make the hard times worth the struggle.

And there's always good stuff, even in the hard. So be sure to add that to the list too.

>>>

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ways to get inspired
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The Benefits and How-to of Collage Cards

2017-09-14T15:13:00.001-05:00

Making a collage is an easy way to get inspired, gain clarity, find creativity, and refocus. It can help deepen faith, add a new dimension to personal growth, and pinpoint personal preferences for style and home decorating. It's how I found my style to wear what I love, decorate my home, and even discover basic branding for my blog.

Making collages is also a fun activity to do in a group, either as a girls night in your own home, or in a larger community like at a church or women's retreat. Just choose a theme, collage away while you chat and connect, then share some reflection time together at the end.

Keep reading for how to get started including the benefits of making collages, ideas for collage themes, and reflection questions for when you're done. Get it all in the Pinnable/printable image at the bottom of the post.

Enjoy!

Why make a collage...

Gives something to do in the silence.
I've been trying to make more time and space for quiet. Especially leaving social media alone in the evenings and each Sabbath. Reading and getting outside are great things to fill those times, and so is making a collage. It gives something to do with your hands and direct your thoughts in a positive, more productive direction.

Teaches how to be observant.
As you pay attention to images or text that makes you pause, it teaches your heart and mind to pay more attention in other areas of your life, including hearing God and seeing Him show up.

Shows what’s inside, namely God’s image.
We are made in God's image, and any good that shows up in us is from Him. It's worth paying attention to.

Helps uncover hidden creativity.
I spent years saying that I'm just not creative. Now, after lots of practice and paying attention, I'm starting to believe we are all creative because we were created in God's Creator image. How our creativity plays out may vary, but creating collages is a very simple way to uncover some of that creativity.

Visually expresses thoughts, feelings, ideas in ways words can’t.
It's said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and that's exactly what happens when you put together a collage. Suddenly something is expressed or noticed that might have remained unnamed.

Helps solve a problem.
Whether you're trying to decide how to decorate a space in your home or wondering what to do next in your life, the simple act of creating collages can help work out those problems and find solutions.

Use for inspiration.
A collage can serve as a sort of goal board of sorts to keep you focused on some end result you're working toward. It can be displayed somewhere for inspiration to motivate you. You can use it to reflect and journal, then collect in small album or box as you make more collages in the future. Or refer to it as you refine your wardrobe or decorate a space in your home.

How to start a collage...

Gather supplies.
Scissors, stick glue, 5x7 cardstock (or other similar size), and magazines, cards, catalogs, old calendars, or whatever other type of images you can cut out.

Choose a theme.
See ideas of what to collage about below.

Collect first, reflect last.
Cut out whatever makes you pause or fits in with your theme, even if it might not end up in your final collage. Start to piece them together until it works for you. There's no right or wrong way. You don't have to fully understand why a particular image or text speaks to you, just the fact that it does is worth having it in your collage. When you're collage is done, spend a little time reflecting on it. See questions for that below.

What to collage about...

Spiritual Life—prayer, God, devotional time, faith, Bible text

Identity—passions, values, challenges, seasons of life, work, youth

Relationships—spouse, friends, family, motherhood, church

Future—life goals, career, things to save up for, when age 83

Inspiration—styles, colors, products, patterns, combinations

Reflect

What made you pause for each image?
What does the card say about you or about how God created you?
Is there some message or clarity you get from your collage card?
Does anything about your collage surprise you?
What is the overall feel of your collage card? Is there a common theme or any particular elements that stick out to you?

Have fun with it!

Pin or print:

>>>

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We Still Aren't Big Enough, and God Still Is

2017-05-10T16:42:00.002-05:00

Ten years ago I told my then-boyfriend I was pregnant while we sat on a round picnic table on our college's campus at 6 a.m. We'd been a couple for 6 months + 1 day, and had loose plans to get married the following summer. Afterall, we both had about a year of college remaining, and while neither of our parents were paying our full tuition, both had jobs that discounted our tuition. A discount we'd lose if we got married, and we couldn't afford that.

None of that mattered now, because we chose our fate a different way.

We sat on that table, feet propped up on the seat below, blue-capped stick in my hand with the word pregnant displayed in tiny digital letters as evidence. My then-boyfriend now-husband managed four simple words in his just-out-of-bed morning stupor: "Are we big enough?"

Looking back, I can say we clearly were not. Two more pregnancies later, I wonder what parent is ever fully prepared or "big enough" for what we're walking into, even when we think we know.

The words I wrote to God in my journal back in my dorm room after that groggy, pre-dawn exchange ring true even now 10 years later. "'Are we big enough?' Truth is: I don't know. But I do know You're big enough and that's all that matters to me."

As we navigated through doctors appointments and Medicaid application, premarital counseling and wedding planning, and so many first trimester symptoms, we'd dream a little. What would it be like to be married and have a baby? Everything was crazy, rushed, financially bleak (tooth paste got a line item on our first joint budget because literally every cent mattered), and it was all covered in a fog of ~~morning~~ all-day sickness.

What about 10 years from then or even 5 years? What would life be like after time slowed and finances improved and we caught our breath?

Where would we live and work? How many years before we'd buy our first house and have our next baby? When would I start working on getting my Masters (because a bachelor's in English doesn't do much for a career)? Where (and when) would we go on an anniversary vacation since we couldn't afford a proper honeymoon? Surely 5-10 years would be plenty of time to start checking all of that off our list.

We didn't know--how could we?--that two years into teaching, Daniel would lose his job and change careers. That the job suited for him with great benefits would actually start with less pay than his salary as a teacher. That we'd wreck our car with only liability insurance and waste months and dollars recovering from that. That we'd have news of our 2nd pregnancy in the middle of his job uncertainty, and news of our 3rd pregnancy the same month we'd decide it was financially irresponsible for us to have anymore kids. That maintaining family expenses would derail us from paying off our student loans. That my being home while our kids are young would matter so much to us--enough to put everything on hold financially.

We hadn't yet experienced for ourselves that just as time moves on, so do life circumstances and how we choose to respond to them. I'm learning I can get caught up in the privileged self-pity of it all that we didn't get our "rightful" honeymoon, we still aren't any closer to owning a house, and we're still a poor family living on one income with too much student loan debt.

Or I can see how Jesus' grace covers us and provides for us even after (and as) we screw up His plans for us. While choosing a different fate for ourselves changes our trajectory and places us paces behind our peers in the accouterments of this life, we are actually forever rich in God's mercies.

A few days after the news of that first pregnancy settled, when 3 days felt like 3 long, drawn-out weeks, I wrote out some of the lyrics to a hymn: "Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace. Streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me ever to adore thee, may I still Thy goodness prove, while the hope of endless glory fills my heart with joy and love."

Ten years after our small little college lives got flipped upside-down, I can't help but wonder if it was meant to be this way. Sure, it clearly wasn't God's perfect plan for us, and imagine where we'd be if we followed His plan! Still, this side of Heaven--this sin-stained Earth side--I wonder if the veering from the plan in some ways is the plan for Jesus to bring us back to Him.

If it wasn't this particular life choice, it'd be another, and often it has been more than just one choice that gets us off God's perfect course. These areas we mess up and are in need are just opportunities for our hearts to sing in His grace, for His blessings to flow in streams of mercy in spite of our scarred and messy humanity. Proving His goodness--not by His acceptance when we're "good," but by His persistence when we wander and veer.

The hope of endless glory fills my heart with joy and love... When I think of my 8 1/2 pregnant self getting a call of a job offer out of the blue, the God-given miracle to provide our needs while my husband finished his degree. When I think of our short homeless and jobless season that could have ruined us but by God's grace and my sister's kindness didn't. When I think of all the hiccups and detours and every step see that we weren't alone. While we weren't, and still aren't, big enough, we actually were never meant to be. We were always meant to see that God is.

I see that, even as ten years later we still face our same ol' mountains (that mostly revolve around finances). The miracle is that God saw us and assured us that we'd be okay anyway. That while our choices changed our circumstances, they didn't change His love. He wouldn't leave us.

There are times in our last 10 years when I praise God for the miracles in our impossible situations; when He delivers us because He can. And there are many others when I simply thank Him for being present in the midst of our struggles, because God is with us even when He doesn't heal us.

When we were on our college's campus this week, I snapped a picture of our three kids, including the one-that-made-me-a-mom, sitting on that same table my now-husband and I sat on ten years ago. I imagine going back to that young couple, scared out of their minds of the unknown that lay before them. I would probably just affirm what they already hoped: "You'll never be 'big enough' for the lives you'll live, but you will continue to celebrate all the times that God is."

Whether or not we've made the best choices that have led us here, God's not leaving us and never has. And for that, I am truly and deeply thankful.

>>>

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our wedding story, shame-free
my motherhood ebenezer

One, Unity, and Blessed Peacemakers

2017-04-04T14:05:00.003-05:00

I used to read the Beatitudes in Matthew 5:3-11 as a sort of to-do / to-be list in order to be blessed. Gotta thirst for righteousness, be merciful, have a pure heart, and be a peacemaker. Tough, but maybe not entirely impossible?

It's been sinking in how that really doesn't make sense. This a backwards list, as are most things with Jesus, where He's heaping blessing on those who mourn and are poor in spirit and perpetually seek and are persecuted. Okay. Well. Those things are a little more uncomfortable, and do I even want to put them on my Christian to-do list?

At the root, these blessings are less about our effort to be something good, and more about Jesus meeting people down where they are in their struggles in life.

So blessing the peacemakers, as Jesus says in verse 9, isn't as much calling us to it (at least not in this particular verse), as He is speaking encouragement to the overlooked and burdened peacemakers. A category in line with mourning and being pour in spirit and meekness and persecution. It's a tough place to find yourself, this trying to find peace and unity in a divided world. (affiliate links used*)

Peacemaking can be a hard burden to carry.

>>>

I was reading a book on parenting when I read and re-read a paragraph that took me back to my counselor's office in college, particularly this line: "In an effort to bring peace and comfort to those they love, Type 2 children sometimes take on too much emotional responsibility for others." (The Child Whisperer)

It goes on to talk about appreciating and honoring this natural gift of bringing peace into the home, without relying on it to resolve family conflict. Then it concludes with advice to remind this type of child "that they are not responsible for anyone's feelings but their own."

I remember finally breaking down in college and going to the campus counselor. I remember working through my independence and breaking it down so I could see and accept my need for Jesus. I remember sharing about others' stresses that I shouldn't have been carrying (and they likely didn't know I was carrying), and feeling caught in the middle.

That little paragraph in that book about parenting took me back to that tension of trying to create peace for others. It's natural for me to do. To feel someone else's pain and discomfort and want to fix it for them. It's natural for me to take that on and try to create peace in the tension so we call all feel loved and stay connected.

>>>

For some people this is no big deal. For peacemakers, it's an ongoing burden of carrying other people's struggles and emotions. It's a constant discomfort of sitting in the tension between sides, of trying to be the bridge instead of build the bridge. The good news I had to relearn in that counselor's office and that I remind myself of today: The bridge in our Savior already exists. We aren't meant to carry that burden for ourselves or anyone else.

We are meant to follow our own peacemaker road--sometimes because it's just naturally who we are, and sometimes because we've been called into it by God. And that blessed burden comes with a promise: We shall be called sons of God.

>>>

One: Unity in a Divided World by Deidra Riggs releases today and is a book for peacemakers by a peacemaker. I can say that because I know Deidra, and I've seen her regularly place herself in the tension between sides and invite people to join her. She creates a grace-filled place where we can truly sit and listen to each other instead of shouting across self-drawn lines.

This book is a timely invitation to join in Jesus' mission of making us one. As she writes in the intro: "Oneness is God's desire for us. Unity is what Jesus prayed for us. The odds are definitely in our favor."

Read it if you're a natural peacemaker or if you're feeling God calling you into the role of peacemaker in your own life and among your own circle.

Learn more or get Deidra's book >> here.

>>>

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The Luthers + Finding God in the Tension

2017-03-17T10:11:00.002-05:00

This is part of my apparent on-going posts on church: If you feel like quitting church, If you've quit church, and When you need bread and the church says no. There's no need to go read all of those, that's just my forewarning of where I'm going, and some back-reading if you're interested.

This week, after the This Is Us finale (what in the world was that?), my husband and I caught the end of a live streamed Q&A hosted by a couple of our denomination's leaders in America. It was a way to connect young people's concerns with responses from church leadership--I think? Whatever the intent, it was a good opportunity for "the church" to address important and timely topics that aren't always brought up or welcome in typical religious settings, and I commend the effort.

The few concerns and questions that we heard from the audience and the careful answers in response, I just felt more of what I usually feel in these types of set-ups and discussions: more disconnected and like I don't belong.

This disconnect really is nothing new for me. I first shared about this tension I felt with church 4 years ago. I can't even believe it's been that long, because I would have thought back then, that it all would have been resolved by now. Or at least starting to? Yet, here I still am, waiting in the tension.

Scenarios like this live stream and hearing views that differ from mine from church leadership just reminds me of the tension and the void I've felt for a long time now, and sort of stirs me to questioning it all again.

So that's where I sat at the end of the live stream earlier this week. Bible, pen, and journal in my lap, praying about that tension and void that stands in the place of "church" for me right now. It leads me to questions that I don't even want to type because they're such a downer, like: Do I belong anywhere?

I let that question be for a moment, and realized perhaps it's fine or maybe better if I don't obsess about belonging. The belonging as I tend to think of it in terms of church and humanity and seeking approval from anything or anyone but Jesus, it's an ongoing struggle for me. "The desire for others' love [and acceptance or approval] can become a substitute savior." (Love Idol, affiliate links used*)

This world is not my home, so feeling like I'm wandering or a stranger or don't belong among the man-made is maybe actually a good thing.

I find myself wondering if it was simpler when Jesus was alive with John baptizing on mere admittance of belief and Jesus preaching about love being the fulfillment of the law and people simply being Jesus-followers because they literally followed Him around. None of this getting-approval or acceptance through membership from a local church.

Church leadership was constantly at odds with Jesus and everything He did. He kept showing up and teaching at the synagogue. He also spent a lot of His time on mountainsides and travelling between towns and in homes, meeting people where they were. And the holy men did not like it.

One of our denomination's founders wrote an insightful book on Jesus' life called The Desire of Ages. She notes this tension between Jesus and the church leaders often, and notes each time how it will continue. We'll continue to struggle with this tension between Jesus' radical love, grace, and truth beyond our understanding, and the rules and burdens based on tradition that righteous men would rather us be tied to.

She writes, "When the Reformers preached the Word of God, they had no thought of separating themselves from the established church; but the religious leaders would not tolerate the light, and those that bore it were forced to seek another class, who were longing for the truth. ... Often those who follow in the steps of the Reformers are forced to turn away from the churches they love, in order to declare the plain teaching of the Word of God."

Yet, many people in my denomination (perhaps any denomination?) would argue that we are the ones with the plain teaching of the Word of God. We are the ones with the true light following in the steps of the Reformers. I have a hard time accepting that when the established church is historically what needs the love and light of Jesus.

Jesus' experiences give me a bit of peace in my struggle, because Jesus gets it. He came to save individuals, and there were religious men that tried to interfere with that personal salvation because they didn't like their power being taken away. While I'm not exactly trying to take anyone's power away, by connecting with Jesus while questioning organized church, I kind of am.

Put another way, "this is what's most annoying and beautiful about the windy Spirit and why we so often miss it. It has this habit of showing up in all the wrong places and among all the wrong people, defying our categories and refusing to take direction. ...God is present both inside and outside the traditional church, working all sorts of everyday miracles to inspire and change us if only we pay attention." (Searching for Sunday)

I'm still left questioning--where, what, why, how, who? Where should we "go to church" and spend our time worshiping God and investing in community? What do we go to church for and what do we have to offer? Why is it what it is and is what it is okay? How do we change it or stay and "be" the church? (Because that's a favorite line: Don't leave the church, stay and be the church! But what does that even mean or look like when I don't agree with the church excluding certain groups of people?) Who is meant to lead or be helped or get involved or come along this journey?

It's really not anything new, this feeling lost. At the heart of the matter, it doesn't concern me too much, because it's just that--a feeling. Which always makes me think of a song I heard a pastor use in one of his sermons to the tune of Yankee Doodle: Feelings come and feelings go and feelings are deceiving; I'll trust alone in the Word of God, for nothing else is worth believing. (Or something like that; I heard it years ago and didn't write it down.)

God is my anchor. His love is my mission. His spirit of truth is my compass. Even if the full picture and all the answers won't be revealed until His return, I know that He is not giving up on me or "the church," and He's not giving up on us His people.

The truth is, as long as there's a panel of faulty men saying who's in and who's out (of church or God's Kingdom), I have a hard time getting on board. I have a hard time believing this form of "leadership" is what God really wants for or from us. He came for the outsiders, and here "we" (as "the church," Christians, Adventists, Americans) are just creating more outsiders.

It's not a label (or a lack of labels) that saves us. It's Jesus. All Jesus. And no man-made divide or boundaries will keep Him from us. Thank you, Jesus!

I'm finding comfort reading Katharina and Martin Luther--about the famous protestant reformer from 500 years ago and his wife. Not only is this the first I've heard of Martin Luther having a wife (a renegade nun with opinions and courage at that), this is also the first I've really considered the context of what it meant for Luther to do all that he did.

I'm realizing what a big deal and challenge it was for Luther to step forward in faith in God over man. To state and act on differing beliefs and new insights that went against an entire institution and governing tradition. To face even his close colleagues and peers. To confront men ready to damn him to actual hell (because they believed in their insight and traditions and their own power that strongly).

"According to Luther, Scripture could, and did, contradict church doctrine and well-established traditions, which made the church wrong. Christ alone was the key to salvation. In short, Luther argued, God speaks to all people through his Word; no mediator or intercessor is necessary between God and man except Christ himself, and Christ speaks 'not to an institution but to the heart.'"

The question that really comes up for me in all of that--thinking of Luther's struggle against church tradition, and Jesus' run-ins with religious leaders, and Ellen White's assurance that we'll continue to conflict with church leadership--if church leadership has a history of being so off, do we really think we have it all figured out today? Can we be so bold as to say that this is how far we've come and we have no further to go in our understanding of God and His Word?

We're not yet with Jesus in Heaven or the New Earth, and as long as we're still here I'm 99.99% sure that we don't have all the answers. (I'm leaving the .01% in case there's an Enoch or Moses or Elijah walking with God among us now.) It's actually quite probable that pride in our assurance that we have things figured out will be the first sign of our fall when we realize we don't have all the answers.

Knowing this actually gives me peace. Even in all of that uncertainty and questioning and constantly bringing that before God, I am certain of the biggies, because the Bible makes them clear over and over and over.

Here are just a few, off the top of my head:
1. Jesus loves us and gives us salvation through Him.
2. He tells us to love. Love Him and love others.
3. He's not giving up on any of us. Not even the people or groups of people we've personally already written off.
4. God's role is to be God, and man's role is to need Him. (And, just to be clear, Man is not God; and even though God's Son became man, He is still fully God.)
5. And that brings us back to 1: Jesus' love and salvation for us.

This has kind of been a more rambling post than usual, so where does this questioning leave me?

Still in the tension.

All's quiet even in the static right now because God's just being with me. We're in the tension together, and He's here waiting with me. I know He won't leave me alone here, and He assures me this tension isn't all I'll ever know. This is just a season and He's with me in it and through it to the end. Which is really the beginning of forever with Him.

And I'm good with that.

>>>

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if you feel like quitting church
when you need bread + the church says no
books that changed my faith + life
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An Invitation to Be Aware + Attentive

2017-02-27T12:11:00.004-06:00

They say that time heals, and I tend to agree... with the proper care and tending.

>>> Following is a post on a topic I feel highly unqualified and incompetent to write on. I also fear being ignorant in a conversation I really want to be helpful. Please read this as a humble offering--my own small step to stand with people who have been saying many of these things for a long time. <<<

When I was 6 or 7, my hands slipped off a wet metal rail I was swinging under, landing my head smack into the broken cement steps just below me. I sat up stunned, then started screaming after I felt my hand to the hole beside my eyebrow and realized that wasn't just rain I felt, there was also large drops of blood dripping down my face.

My mom rushed me to our family doctor, and 8 stitches later I was good to go. Kind of.

I mean, it still hurt and was a gross wound for a little while as it healed. I would even feel sharp twinges and discomfort in the years that followed as the skin changed. But time did its job, and all that's left now over twenty years later is a scar that's only sometimes glaringly obvious.

Sure, time healed--only with the stitches it took to repair the hole. Without that, well, I don't know, I'm not a doctor. The bleeding likely would've continued, the wound wouldn't have healed, and I'm pretty sure a dangerous infection would have appeared. I'm sorry, this is getting gross.

Where I'm going with this, if you haven't already deduced for yourself, is that time heals in the course of history, too. But only with the proper care and tending to set that healing in motion.

It's all too tempting for white people to look back in the not-too-distant past of black history in America and think, "Wow, those were rough times. I'm glad that's over!"

But has enough time passed to heal any of those wounds? And has healing even really started just because those tragedies are over? I believe there's still more we can do to reconcile. We're not as removed from that scarred past as we believe. People my parents age were born when these awful and open forms of hatred were still being played out. And people my grandparents age likely saw these injustices firsthand.

Mississippi Burning (an impactful movie I saw a few times as a kid) is a fictional story set in some of the actual horrific events in the south in the 60s with police officers as KKK members doing some of the cross burnings and lynchings.

That is the dark backdrop of Martin Luther King Jr.'s work and the whole civil rights movement. A time when Ruby Bridges was the first black child to de-segregate an all white school in Louisianna, and as a small girl had to be escorted by U.S. marshalls through an angry mob of adults. She's now only 62.

How do people who lived through those times go from fearing for their actual lives without knowing if law enforcement would help them to simply putting it all behind them? If you went through that, wouldn't you still have some trepidation? Wouldn't you need to see some effort from people of the other side to help care for you and tend to you as you heal? Wouldn't you still raise your children to be cautious and careful with their trust of such people?

I know I would.

And what about the KKK members and all the white people that actually supported segregation and yelled and did hateful things in retaliation to the civil rights movement? Did this hatred and divide just disappear because civil rights leaders said for it to? Did all of a sudden everyone decide to love and accept and get on board with civil rights for all people regardless of skin color?

Perhaps people just got better at hiding it.

Real lasting change takes time. But it also takes the care and tending of real apologies and awareness and reconciliation from people with power--individuals and organizations.

Because, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., "1963 is not an end, but a beginning." In some small way his mission and the whole civil rights movement continues when I learn to do better and when I help my children learn to do better. To help them be loving and kind to all people rather than falling into the easier assumption that different is somehow less than or not worth standing up for or, worse, needs to be silenced.

There is still freedom and justice to gain for all, and if we'd look around a little less defensively we'd see it. We would see areas where perhaps our brothers and sisters of color still aren't able to sing of the same sweet liberty we enjoy. And "if America is supposed to be a great country then this must become true. So let freedom ring..." (Quotes from King's "I have a dream" speech.)

While Black History Month may be a time of honor (both lamentation and celebration) for black people, I'm realizing perhaps it's a time of awareness and an invitation for the rest of us to finally be attentive to real and present wounds for black people and all people of color. (I'll save the other racially scarred parts of American history for another post.)

Ways to Be Aware and Attentive

Below are a few ideas I've learned of what this awareness and attentiveness might look like. I don't share because I do this perfectly; I share because we have to start somewhere. I know this is late in coming now at the end of February. Thankfully Black History Month is a yearly glimpse of awareness, and we have all year long to do the attentive caring and tending and reconciliation.

1. Shut Up

This is first and crucial. We all have opinions and generally form those from our own limited perspectives and are quick to spew them out when given a chance. When we are not the people personally lamenting or hurting, then we have to be quiet. We have to stop talking to be able to hear and listen and tend to others' pain.

I learned this firsthand last year when my husband and I were talking with friends about protests that had been going on. We were sitting in an iHop near the only other table filled besides ours, where a black young mother sat with her two young daughters. We had just mentioned these recent events and barely started discussing it, when the mother, noticeably shaken up, turned around and asked us to not talk about that there. We apologized, and changed topics.

We left the restaurant with pits in our stomachs. We had clearly hurt her where she was already wounded, and we truly believed we were for her. My husband pointed out that we just don't know. We can listen and even agree, but the pain is not our own and therefore it's not always ours to talk about, even if we side with the hurting. We need to be more careful of when we speak, especially when "discussing" current events in public places like online and in restaurants. We don't have to shut up forever, but it's easier to lovingly listen when we're quiet.

2. Seek Out

In the women of color panel at IF:Gathering, Amena Brown said a few things about this that stood out to me: "Let the marginalized speak for themselves--don't tell their stories for them. ... Look at our tables and ask who is missing. ...Then back up so someone else that doesn't have my privilege and power can speak for themselves."

We have to seek people different from us in order to hear their perspectives and expand our own. Sure, we could find people like us saying similar things, but we also have to let people different from us speak for themselves. A few ways to do that:

Read books from people of color. To start, see the suggestions in the comments of this Book List to Move the Conversation Forward. There are other similar lists if you search. I really appreciate Deidra Riggs' welcoming and calm presence in any controversial conversation, and I look forward to reading her soon-to-release book One: Unity in a Divided World.
Follow people of color online, including those sharing and talking about race in a way that speaks to you. A friend recently pointed me to Angela Belt, a designer who has been featuring 28 Black Taste Makers in her Instagram series for Black History Month. It's a beautiful and inspiring introduction to some talented people I may not have heard of otherwise.
Watch documentaries like 13th and The House I Live In to realize what "progress" has really looked like since slavery and civil rights, or movies like Selma to remember America's not-to-distant past.
Checkout Latasha Morrison's site Be the Bridge and get her free download 10 Things Every Racial Bridge Builder Should Know.
Include people of color. We can't be afraid to reach out and talk to and invite people who are different to our tables or our circles or our gatherings. Also, when we're in charge of programming for a church or another organization, we should consider how we might intentionally incorporate diversity. And make sure planning committees are diverse, so that a variety of ideas and perspectives are being offered to reach a variety of people.

Once we start seeking out these voices, we will find a beautifully diverse rabbit trail that leads past our preconceived ideas to beautiful, enriching, mind-opening worldviews.

3. Listen

This is really just a continuation of seeking people out. They can't just be present but silenced. We really have to read and listen and hear what they're saying and experiencing. Like this post from my friend Latrice, To All My White Friends Regarding Recent Events, where she writes: "I just wanted you to offer on social media the same compassion I know you would offer my family and I to our faces. ...Do you know what happens when we start a conversation built on a foundation of compassion? When you, as a part of the body of Christ, adopt a permanent stature of empathy and caring, even for those who are nothing like you, even for those you can’t relate to and don’t understand, even for those you actually disagree with? Well, then you start to make something beautiful."

We might have different experiences, but we can still listen and validate and empathize and care and bring Jesus' love.

When people are lamenting over current events on social media, read the comments from those hurting without jumping into writing your rebuttal. Feel their pain, if only for a moment. Maybe even tell them so, especially if it's someone you know personally. When you see a protest, resist the urge to be defensive and consider what it's really about. Hundreds, even thousands, of people don't show up for one cause if they aren't personally convicted.

This is where finding trusted voices helps. It can be hard to relate to strangers giving differing opinions, but even an uncomfortable perspective is worth listening to from a friend.

4. Stand Up

In the previously mentioned panel at IF:Gathering, Latasha said, "We don't have to fully get it or understand to lift up the hands of women of color and stand with them." This is important and helpful to remember. We shouldn't discredit or brush off the plights of others just because it's not our experience or our perspective.

In Deidra's blog post The What to Do Issue, she shares several really good things to do to move the race conversation forward, including speak up: "If you are speaking up about other issues, you can speak up about racism." Just because Americans don't own slaves, doesn't mean that a form of slavery doesn't still exist. And just because we all use the same drinking fountains and sit anywhere on buses, doesn't mean that racism has magically disappeared, so it's important to acknowledge it and stand up to it and apologize for it when we see it.

5. Pray

I don't see prayer as the least I can do, I see it as the most I can do, throughout each idea above. I pray for my brother, and people like him, with years behind him on the streets of Wichita as a police officer, and I pray for my black friends, many likely with ancestors who came to America as slaves. Both groups of people have struggles so very different than anything I have experienced or understand, and prayer is the only way I can find peace in the tension between.

Among those prayers, I'm also praying for a change a little closer to home--in myself and how I raise my kids. Quoting Latasha one more time, starting the panel at IF:Gathering she prayed, "Step into our biases and prejudices that would keep us from hearing You."

Yes. That. Jesus called us to love--love God and love people. And the more we shut people out and shut them up, the less actual loving we are doing, and the more we're disconnecting ourselves from God. Sometimes we feel justified because that's what prejudice and bias does--it tells us we're right and that's all that matters. However, our rightness does not take away someone else's rightness, and joining those conflicting perspectives with love is really all that matters for me as a Christ-follower.

So, while we as America have improved from slavery days and have improved from King's day, we still have lots of room for improvement. It seems the issues that feel like they revolve around a segmented population, might actually start with ourselves--how we view others different than ourselves and how we talk about those differences with our people. I am praying for Jesus to step into my own biases and prejudices so that I can shut up and hear Him through new voices with differing perspectives, and stand with people against their injustices. When we celebrate how far we've come in America, I don't want to forget how far we still have to go.

Now, heading back into silence to continue seeing, hearing, praying, and changing within myself and my own family.

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when you're stuck in between
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Trina Cress | Grow life.

Grief Like Waves

Til You Can Breathe Again

Finding Calm after the Jump

Where LIFE Happens

1. Take a deep breath.

2. Choose good and true words.

3. Read Truth.

4. Show love.

5. Work with your hands.

6. Go outside.

Nurturing Your Creative Life

Adjust your definitions.

Surround yourself with people who get your unique struggles.

Become a reader.

Make creativity a lifestyle.

Know your why.

Diversify your income.

Be up for an adventure, and do it scared.

20 Ways to Thrive in a Long Winter

Wear the right gear.

Take vitamins.

Drink warm drinks.

Keep blankets handy.

Do morning light therapy.

Follow the sun.

Get out.

Hygge together.

Take up reading.

Make a happiness list.

Start a journal.

Try some self-care.

Take a warm bath.

Eat cozy foods.

Bake something.

Make a seasonal action list.

Light a candle.

Turn on the lights.

Make a music mix and dance to it.

Talk to your doctor.

Returning Home to Myself

Lessons on Steady -- A Year of Showing Up to Life

1. Things that give me life aren't just a preference--they're a deeply healing necessity.

2. When I'm going all in just to feel okay, I might need extra help going the last bit to really be okay.

3. I've been here all along, even when I don't feel myself.

4. Health improvements take time.

5. The miracle is God's presence in the struggle.

6. Small habits build up over time, for better or worse.

How to Find the True You

Start a ritual.

Turn off screens.

Make a collage.

Take a bath.

Stretch.

Read.

Write what God might be saying.

5 Questions to Grow a Capsule Mindset

How to Create a Capsule Mindset

1. Do I love it?

2. Can I wear it more than one way?

3. Has it been in style for a while?

4. Is it a color, pattern, or style I naturally reach for repeatedly?

5. Is it the look I'm aiming for in this season?

Additional Outfit Tips

Glasses Love at First Try-On

Order Glasses Online with Confidence(Do a Home Try-On)

1. Order your Home Try-On.

2. Try the glasses on.

3. Send the glasses back.

4. Order another Try-On or purchase your top pick(s).

Tips for Finding Your Best Pair:

10 Ways to Create Life Balance

1. Decide your top 3.

2. Do the next right thing.

3. Choose your support group.

4. Know yourself and live into that.

5. Say your best yes, and even some hard nos.

6. Make choices based on what's most important to you.

7. Make a plan, and write it down.

8. Know what season you're in.

Order Glasses Online with Confidence
(Do a Home Try-On)