Being mum, being me.

Knock knock it's 2am and other such things

2010-11-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

Jaded this evening. My 4 year old chose 2am as a special time for sharing her new repertoire of knock knock and other jokes. Whilst it was utterly sweet and charming (yes, even at 2am) it has left me just an eensy weensy bit tired and grumpy today.

Just had a conversation about swimming lessons with my 7 year old. I was trying to persuade her that she only needed to believe in herself a little more. Rather rich coming from me really but anyway the sentiment was heartfelt.

"I was watching you at the end of the lesson and I could see you trying ever so hard and then grabbing for the side. It was as if I could see you thinking that you can't do it even though you can."

"That wasn't what I was thinking about mummy. I was thinking about willies."

"Willies?" (Trying not to hyperventilate now.)

"Yes, it's just that I always see so many of them at swimming."

Heaven help me.

Come Dine With Me

2010-11-15T11:27:00.001-08:00

Things you don't expect to hear from a seven year old: "Mummy, will you come and play 'come dine with me'?"

"Erm, ok, how do we play that then?"
"Well I have to pretend to make you a dinner and then when you're in your taxi going home you give me marks out of ten for how good the dinner was."

I'm pretty out of touch with tv at the moment but apparently she's watched this programme at her grandparents house.

"So what's for dinner then?"
"To start with I've made a special sandwich. It's mustard - pause - hummous - pause - and there's icing on the top."
"Yes well it's definitely not like any sandwich I've ever had before. Mmmm. What's next?"
"Next I made pizza with fruit and vegetables. Some of the fruits are a bit unusual."
"Nice, thanks."
"And for pudding I've made a cake that looks like a torch." (handing me a torch)

I gave her 8/10 for the sandwich, purely for originality, 6/10 for the pizza as the unusual fruits didn't go down so well and 10/10 for the cake, just because cake is cake after all.

We went a walking

2010-11-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Went for a walk with the girls this morning. The sun was out, we chatted and strolled like, well, a family. It was very nice. Now that my girls have reached an age where we can do this sort of thing I am becoming more convinced that I am just not naturally what you might call a 'baby' person. It was lovely seeing them grow past that bit, but now they are much more like real people and we can do simple things like walk together I feel much more contented.

I have no desire whatsoever to sound as though I am wishing their lives away but now I just need to get to the point where I don't need to accompany them to those things they like to call 'parties'.

Recovering password

2010-10-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I did this that I couldn't even remember my password.

I stopped writing around the time that I started my new job, which is soon to be filed under 'previous experience' (unfortunate as I've rather enjoyed this one, hey ho). I stopped partly because the new job was rather all-consuming, but also because I'd lost my blogging way a little.

Someone said to me that they thought the title was misguiding as I mainly wrote about 'being mum' and hardly ever about 'being me'. But this confused me and set me thinking. The thing is, I am 'mum' now and that's not really a separate part of me to 'me', it simply is who I am. I don't think it would even be fair to say that it is a part of who I am because it creeps into every aspect of my life and affects my entire outlook. Are you following this?

The reasons the blog was started were many, but part of it was that I wanted to force myself to focus on the good things as I dug myself out of a rather large black hole. Like many people on the steep approach to the big 4 - 0 I suppose I was feeling that life hadn't really turned out the way I'd thought it might. I'm sure this doesn't only apply to people finding themselves in the role of single parent, but that particular role does mean that there's not a great deal of time for all this introspection malarkey, nor is there much time for sleep and that can make it all the more difficult to fight off black clouds.

Now I think it is time to start writing again, I just hope I can find something to say that makes you want to read again.

Girls and boys

2010-05-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

I looked after an extra four year old child today. That may sound like a mad thing to do but it was a joy. The last ten days or so I have been struggling with a few inner demons, the resurgence of old resentment at my personal situation, disappointment that a faint light I'd glimpsed at the end of the tunnel had been extinguished, etc etc... all very boring and I won't tell or dwell. But taking two 4 year olds to a local country park was just the tonic I needed.

Having two girls I love the chance to find out a little more about how boys work - clearly I didn't spend enough time doing this in my younger days or I wouldn't now be a lone parent (now, now, said I wouldn't dwell).... but I'm glad that my younger child hasn't fully renounced all contact with the opposite sex just yet.

We set off for a walk to the duck pond, fed said ducks and tramped on a little further. We hadn't gone far before little boy spotted a den-like canopy under a low tree.

"We can make our campfire there" he announced. The next half an hour was spent gathering sticks for our 'fire' (no I didn't really light one, obviously), climbing on fallen trees and taking it in turns to be monsters and dragons. All this while my own four year old proudly walked, clambered and stumbled around with a toy dog stuffed under her t-shirt: "I've got a baby in my tummy." (her, not I!).

Eventually I gave in to the boring parental urge to persuade them to walk on a little and the walk round the lake that usually takes half an hour then turned into a manic race lasting roughly three minutes.

We had a lovely time. All thanks to a different perspective for a few hours.

Yawn

2010-04-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

Keep having great ideas for things to write about during the day but then when it gets to sit-down time I just want to crawl into bed.... three year old (four at the weekend - gulp) has been getting up nightly pretty much since I started my new job. The combination of those things is making me extremely tired.... and I'm feeling like I'm drowning in my own things to do list again... birthday Friday... party Saturday... no present yet... no time.... aaarrrggghhh!

Bedtime again I think.

Infinity and beyond

2010-03-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

I never realised before becoming a parent how quickly the day would come when I could no longer answer my children's questions.

Having foolishly explained the concept of infinity to my six year old after a discussion about really, really big numbers, she then wanted to know whether it was even or odd.

Thanks to the power of google (no they're not sponsoring me!) I can now reveal that as infinity is a concept rather than an actual number it is neither even nor odd.

Hopefully you will sleep better for knowing that, but please don't thank me, thank the joint powers of the mind of a six year old teamed up with the dazzling infinity of this here internet.

Blah blah back sheep

2010-03-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

Seem to have lost my momentum a little on the blogosphere. Hope to regain it so will start with a little post and work my way up.

Three year old received a box full of reading-related goodies through Bookstart recently, including a book of nursery rhymes. Always amazes me that no matter how many books with these same rhymes we have, both my girls still love to sit and read them (6 year old) or 'read' them (3 year old).

And I love their own particular take on the rhymes, from three year old's 'blah blah back sheep' to six year old's rock star version of 'Twinkle twinkle' complete with air guitar.... and of course the obligatory: "Your turn now mummy, you know, do it just like a rock star..." Erm, ok then, if you insist.

Neglect... of my blog

2010-02-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

Not posted for a few months. Been busy navel-gazing after losing my job and trying to work out where to go next and whether I should be sharing my thoughts in this way.... Started a new job today so either it'll give me a boost with renewed energy and new thoughts to share.... or will wipe me out completely and I'll never post again.

Watch this space.

Trials and tribulations of the tooth fairy pt. 2

2009-11-29T07:37:00.000-08:00

Another tooth gone and time for the tooth fairy to visit again.

This time it happens to be on a night when I have already been awake since 4am thanks to early morning wake-up calls from the smaller one. And also on a night when I have actually arranged to leave the house in the evening (thanks mum, again!).

The tooth came out during school time so it had been transported home in an envelope, clearly labelled just in case we forgot or something.

Returning home from my evening out I was reminded about the tooth fairy duties - you might think it would be impossible to forget such a momentous task but then you are reading the thoughts of someone who on darker days than these has been handed her front door keys by the postman after leaving them in the lock overnight. Ahem.

Anyway just as my mum left, 6 year old woke asking for a glass of water. Darn, now I needed to wait until she went back to sleep before I could put on my wings and sparkly tutu. It was already after 11pm by this point, at least two hours after my normal bedtime... eventually the breathing started to sound sleepy so I crept across the creaky floors to her bed. Hand under the pillow... of course tonight she's sleeping right across every inch of the pillow rather than just below it as usual. Gently seek out the tooth... where is it? No really, where is it?

A little voice pipes up: "Mummy?" Pause. "Mummy? What are you doing in here?"

Bearing in mind that is was midnight by this point and I am somewhat sleep-deprived at the best of times I admit that for a split second I did actually think of putting on a 'fairy' voice and taking the pretense one step further. Fortunately I thought better of this idea before actually opening my mouth.

"I just came to check you are ok, honey."

I somehow managed to slip the coin under the pillow before retreating, but the tooth was still buried under the pillow somewhere.

Now what? If I didn't get to bed soon the next day was going to be hell.

My solution was to draft a quick letter with a few fairy-type flourishes that read something along the lines of... "Dear xxx, I have decided to let you keep your tooth this time as a souvenir as you are such a lovely girl, love from the tooth fairy."

I never realised this tooth fairy business was so fraught with complications. Needless to say, Santa will be leaving his presents downstairs in the front room. As for what happens next time the tooth fairy is due I cannot say.

Now 6 year old wants to take her letter into school for 'show and tell'. I can't decide if I am touched or just embarrassed!

Parents' evening

2009-11-19T14:22:00.001-08:00

Parents' evening. All our children's work folders were laid out on tables in the school hall for us to read while we waited for our appointments. My six year old was asked to write a message to her parents on the label for her work.

She wrote: "I am feeln Happy To Day yes I am."

And so am I now.

Jinx

2009-11-19T04:25:00.000-08:00

Pah. Clearly writing about a turn-around in three year old's sleep habits was a mistake (see previous post). Jinxed! Woke at 5am and pottered into my bed.

5am is not a proper time to be starting the day at any time but especially not on a cold and windy November day. Bleargh. Just hope I haven't started the slide back to nightly visits. It is lovely to be needed but maybe sometimes I need sleep more than I need to be needed.

Sleeping like a baby

2009-11-18T05:54:00.000-08:00

My children have never been the best of sleepers. In fact it won't surprise you that I have written of their night-time habits in previous posts.

Six year old now usually sleeps through though and has done so for about a year now. Three year old has been coming in to sleep with me pretty much every night since she was a baby though.... until.... now I was not really sure if I should write about this as it may jinx things but here goes.... since the last half-term holiday three weeks ago she has been staying in her bed until at least 6am most nights.

I can't possibly explain to anyone else how amazing this is. At times I have been so wretched with tiredness I could barely function. It has at times made me feel depressed and most definitely made me 'grumpy mummy' on and off. I am fairly certain that my inability to focus, remember or communicate contributed to my employers' recent decision to 'let me go' - although they are of course far too British to say so. In recent months I have questioned over and over whether I can continue to bring up two wonderful people alone in such a state - particularly in the early hours of the mornings. Of course if you read other posts you will also know that I also enjoy the time with my girls and the love they give me and that is one of the things that gets me through.

But now I am beginning to feel like a real person again. I know I shouldn't count my chickens and there are always going to be times when I am woken in the night - I live alone with two young children so there is never a 'this is it' time, things are constantly changing and evolving. But it does feel as though we are turning an important corner.

Usually when I get up for my shower - always the first thing I do as it helps to wake me and often means the girls are still sleeping while I collect my thoughts for the day - I either leave at least one child in my bed or return to my room to find both snuggled up in there. As I came out of the bathroom to get dressed this morning I found my bed still empty and could hear chatting voices from the girls' bedroom.

It took a great deal of willpower to prevent myself from sneaking to the door to listen in to their private conversation. It was so lovely to hear them talking to each other without needing to refer to me.

Of course it does mean I missed out on my morning cuddle! Extra cuddles tonight I think.

Where we live

2009-11-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

My mum babysat the other evening.

On waking around 6am my three year old clambered into my bed for a cuddle until getting up time: "Is Nana still here mummy? Why couldn't Nana stay after you came home?"
"Well, she had to go home to her bed."

Then three year old thinks for a few moments - clearly trying to figure out where everyone's proper place is.

"We live in hope, don't we mummy?"

"Mmm, yes, I think we do."

(The name of my Mum's village contains the word 'hope')

Happiness is...

2009-11-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

...passing by school at playtime with three year old. Usually avoid doing this as I neither want to embarrass six year old nor to see her sitting alone and start worrying that she's being left out of games.

But had to run some errands before school pick-up the other day so we passed by.

When she spotted us she came running over holding hands with two of her friends and beaming from ear to ear. She pushed her face into the railings for a kiss and smiled at her little sister.

Made me feel warm and precious. Lovely.

With thanks to Kahlil Gibran

2009-11-09T12:54:00.001-08:00

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of he infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Milk for the calves

2009-11-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

Wahey, my first photo. Now at first glance you may think this is a bit random. But not so. What you see before you is powerful evidence of the immense power of the imagination - aged 3 and a half and six.

Each of these containers has been carefully filled with bathwater up to a designated level. Apparently this is milk for the calves. It is most definitely not for sale.

I love it.

Now that I have shared that with you I suppose the sensible grown-up in me must go and pour the water away and tidy the pots so I can get into the shower tomorrow morning..... oh, ok, not just yet.

Big bangs, sparkles and an accidental willy.

2009-11-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

Bonfire night. Both girls had been promised a trip to a bonfire which, as it turned out, was cancelled for reasons not worth going into here. So, in an attempt to keep things calm I looked into local bonfires.

Up until now the girls have not been to a bonfire - six year old has always been mightily terrified of the bangs and anyway we live at the top end of a valley and can usually get a great view of at least three or four big firework displays from behind the safety of our bedroom windows.

I was told there was a local pub that usually has a small (and earlyish!) bonfire so made plans to go, despite reservations about taking a 6 and a 3 year old out after dark and having to suffer the repercussions of tiredness and post-bedtime giddiness alone. We talked about it, I asked several times if they really wanted to go, even offered the get-out that it had been rather wet during the day so maybe we didn't have to go.... But no, we still wanted to so we layered up to keep warm (although by this point 6 year old was already saying she wanted to watch from inside the pub) and opened the door to the dark, at which point several fireworks happened to go off in the near vicinity.

"Noooo, Mummeee I don't waaant to go!" says 6 year old. Hmm, thought this might happen. Ok, so we don't have to. "But I do want to go Mummy," says 3 year old. Oh, hadn't anticipated that one. 6 year old decides she would like to go, but only if we drive to the pub. Obviously it goes against the grain to drive to something so close, but we had been talking about going for days and maybe this would ultimately help her reduce her fear of the big bangs. So we climb into the car for the short ride down the hill. Stop the car, climb out.

"Nooo, Mummeeee I still don't waaant to go!"
"I doooo"
Bollocks. This is obviously one of several drawbacks to being a lone parent, or to being any parent who does most of the parenting alone, because if one goes somewhere you all have to go. Sometimes this can have advantages, and I am certain that it has helped my girls develop their wonderful relationship with each other. But at times like these it means choosing between them. Tough call.

Of course in the end I had to respect the genuine fear that my 6 year old was displaying over the disappointment shown by my 3 year old.
"Why don't we go home and drink hot chocolate by your bedroom window and see if we can see fireworks from there?"
Luckily that worked for both girls.

We went home via a shop that sold both milk for the drinks and sparklers as an added appeasement to brave little 3 year old.

It must be the first time I have held a sparkler in years so I enjoyed it once we got home, as did they, and in the end I reckon we had a more enjoyable time watching the show from indoors than we would have done standing in the cold or fighting through a busy pub.

Slight concern on my part though as I left the girls to run their bedtime bath and heard: "Mummy, I saw a man's willy!"
Erm, that wasn't supposed to be part of the show.... Hmm, the man who lives in the house behind us was getting into the shower in his fully-lit bathroom. Oops. All perfectly innocent, but somehow I know that's the bit of information that 6 year old will be sharing when she goes into school tomorrow... Yikes.

Ha ha bonk

2009-10-08T01:38:00.001-07:00

Six year old: Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

Three year old: Why did the poo and wee cross the road?
Because they wanted to see the giraffe.

Mortality for the younger mind

2009-09-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes whether all young children have as keen an interest in death as my two?

We have recently acquired a hamster - a birthday present for my six year old daughter who had been asking if she could have a pet for about two years before I finally caved in. Three year old has asked on numerous occasions: "When will Emily die?" in a fairly matter-of-fact way.

This morning at breakfast the topic was extended a little.

Three year old: "When will Emily die?"
Six year old: "You can tell when she's dead because she won't move, look she's still moving so she's not dead yet."
Three year old: "Oh."
Six year old (in a very matter-of-fact tone): "When Emily dies will we have to take her back to the pet shop or can we bury her in the garden?"
Me: "Erm, well I don't think they will want her back at the pet shop so I guess we can bury her."

Six year old (after a pause): "Can we bury her in the stony bit?"

More hummous please

2009-09-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Six years on I still struggle to understand why the two things my children rally against the most are two of the things I would happily spend the majority of my time doing, i.e. sleeping and eating.

I try to cook most of the food I feed my children myself and am fairly determined that one day our tastes will coincide more frequently, but we do still have a lot of discussion about food. And we do currently eat a lot of pasta.

Personally, I do not eat meat, but as the girls' dad does, I have never tried to enforce my vegetarianism onto them. Obviously now that I am the only adult living in the house I tend to cook less meat than I did, but occasionally I will buy some form of meat - mainly to make up for the fact that I struggle to get them to eat enough variety of vegetables and pulses to get all the vitamins and nutrients I reckon they need in order to keep growing.

On this particular occasion I had bought chicken breast (free range and organic to make up for my guilt at buying and also to avoid feeding my children the horrible things that are fed to non free range chickens). I cut it into strips and rolled it in breadcrumbs, and baked it alongside some chips cut from potatoes dug up from the remains of this year's half-hearted vegetable-growing efforts. Home-made chicken nuggets and chips. A rare treat for my children who mainly live on tomato-based pasta sauces and things with cheese.

Three year old tucked in heartily (in itself quite a rarity): "Mummy this is delicious can you make it again please?"

Six year old was more reluctant, dipping into the chips but avoiding the chicken.

Now, as a vegetarian it does gall me to be having to persuade my children to eat meat, but I had bought it and cooked it so didn't really want to be throwing it out just due to pickiness.

Finally resorting to bargaining tactics. Me: "Just eat one piece for me then."
Six year old replies: "I'll only eat some chicken if you give me some carrot and hummous first."

There's no pleasing some people.

Panic? Moi?

2009-09-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Just had a mildly scary experience. My 6 year old went for tea at a friend's house and I was due to pick her up with little sister at 6pm after finishing work and feeding said little sister.

Except when it came to setting off to collect her I realised I'd mislaid the piece of paper with the address on. No need to panic, we all have mobiles these days don't we? So I texted the mum in question and set off towards the road I thought she lived down. Arriving at the end of the road there was still no reply. Ok, let's try ringing then. Answer phone. Oh poo. Try again in a few minutes. Answer phone. Little sister asking over and over again: "Where does C live Mummy?" "Erm, I'm not quite sure honey."

Ok, don't panic, she'll call back in a minute. In the meantime I text three other parent friends to see if they know the address. No answer. Ok, so now fifteen minutes have passed and there's still no answer. Should I start knocking on doors? No, probably too soon for that.

The thing is, in the greater scheme of things fifteen minutes isn't really all that long, but when you have realised that you have no idea where your baby is it can seem like a very long time indeed.

Looking at it rationally there was nothing to worry about it, but I can happily admit that when the mum did finally call me back ("Oh I'm so sorry I'd left my phone on charge etc etc") there was an enormous surge of relief.

Funny thing is though that these kinds of things make me realise how far I've moved on emotionally in the past year or so. Something like that would have thrown me into a complete panic last year, whereas this time I was able to rationalise and sit it out without losing it.

Still, next time she goes for tea I'll tattoo the address somewhere completely indelible. Just in case, you understand.

Communication

2009-09-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

I need to work on my personal communication skills.

Ironic, given that I have spent the last 11 years working in various sections of the communications industry. My CV claims that my written and verbal communication skills are second to none.

However, it seems my personal and working life continue to be hampered by a long-standing inability to make people understand what I want.

Somehow I am perfectly able to turn other people's stories into readable prose but trying to ensure others get me is where I fall down.

Today was a perfect example. I won't bore you with the details of my employment situation, suffice it to say I am not exactly feeling on top of the world. Time to move on definitely. All I need to do now is work out where to.

Nice things

2009-09-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

Occasionally my girls do say nice things to me. Although their comments sometimes come with a sting too.

Yesterday I was applying moisturiser in a vain attempt to lessen the 'knackered lone parent' look I am currently sporting. My 3 year old was watching.

3 year old: Why are you doing that mummy?
Me: I'm trying to make my face look beautiful. Is it working?
3 year old: No. (Yeah, thanks honey, need to teach you some skills in 'white' lying) Are you going to put it on your legs?
Me: No, why do you think I should?
3 year old: No, your legs are beautiful already.

Aww, you see, she does love me a little bit. Or rather she does love some little bits of me.

This morning after waking, my girls were lying in my bed (no they hadn't been there all night... for once). Eldest claimed youngest smelled like tea and lemons that were a bit old. Not sure that was all that complimentary but I was impressed by her descriptive powers nonetheless.

Me: What do I smell like then? (fearing the worst)
6 year old: A kiss.

Awwww. That makes up for her wanting to move out on me earlier in the week. And then some.