Pamela talks about the leak in our lives that can cause insatiable hunger.

Pamela talks about what the leak is in our lives that can cause insatiable hunger.

I love living life as a turned on woman. So many people ask me my secrets! Here is one of my favorites and it has become a part me. Some call it flirting, I call it “Sipping”.

I love living life as a turned on woman. So many people ask me my secrets! Here is one of my favorites and it has become a part me. Some call it flirting, I call it “Sipping”.

Is polyamory the  new more accepted term for Open Marriage? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else – which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts.
When I first thought of the term “expanded monogamy” I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy – a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a traditional lover. In my take on expanded monogamy – I am not talking about what been called an “Open Marriage”. My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some – but for others may seem quite restrictive.
What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless – I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either. I explored the concept of polyamory by reading a wonderful book on the subject by Deborah Anapol – but the concept was quite right for me. I need something else – new language! And if I have learned anything in my years as a fertility advocate and sex educator – if we don’t have language for something – we get very confused.
We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society. Many people on my book tour keep asking me questions like “How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?” or “”Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?”
No matter where I am in the country – I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality. In my search for language – I am embracing the term expanded monogamy, and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it.
In my own expanded monogamous marriage – I have room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality – which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage sexually interesting. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage – both my husband and I have the space to work with sexological body workers and sacred intimates who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attend tantra workshops – which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people – or eye gazing.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else. Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or having an affair.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame – I believe that more people would stay within their relationships. We just need a little more room to breathe. It’s about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership – and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

“A main ‘Criteria of Consciousness’ for the human experience, Pamela, is never having all you want. For as one dream comes true, another swiftly takes its place. Not having all you want is one of life’s constants. And learning to be happy while not yet having all you want (which, as you can see, is constant), is the first ‘Criteria of Joy.’ Nail it, and for the rest of your life people will be asking what it is about you. Desire, is a beautiful thing”.

Wow. I love it when “The Universe” knows exactly what I am spending my time talking to people about! And right now – I have been spending a lot of time talking to men and women around the country about desire – and the difference between knowing and owning your desire and actually acting on it.

Learning how to speak your desires is an incredible life skill to master. And learning to speak your desires – does not mean getting them fulfilled. In fact we may have many desires that we don’t really want to have granted – and learning to speak our desires and not having them fulfilled is all a part of this practice.

The basics of this practice is to get in touch with your desires and state them. Such as “I really want to feel the my husband throw me on the bed and make love to me the next time he walks past me folding the laundry”. Now how do we communicate that to ourselves – and our partners as a statement of desire? It could go like this “Honey – I really want to feel desired by you. Sometimes I think about what it could be like to feel you want me so badly that you would interrupt anything I am doing so that you can make love to me.” Now…that is NOT a request – it is a statement of desire.

A request would sound like “Darling – when you see me doing a household task will you please grab me – throw me over your shoulder?” Or “Honey – I would like you to throw me onto the bed and make love to me.” That is a request.

The difference is that in stating ones desire the “other” does not have to do anything about your desire. You are simply sharing intimacy, connection and offering your partner good information. But it is YOUR desire. You own it and the person that you are sharing it with does not have to do anything with it. There is no rejection in it for you – as you are not left hanging waiting for action.

With a request, you are expecting a response. It requires action on behalf of the other.
To me – this is tricky business. It is full of subtlety. Can expressing my desire be a coy way of hiding or stating a request? Am I my own trickster? Can I think that I am simply expressing desire when I am instead hiding my requests? You have to be really clear about your own intentions

I think that mastering this skill of speaking desires – and separating that from speaking requests especially around sexuality is really important. When we are able to speak our desire around our sexuality – it is the beginning of removing shame.

Now…what if the listener does not know the differences between a request and an expression of desire….then what? What if the listener does not welcome expressions of desire? One might say that this does not matter. That the expression of the desire is not about the listener! It is suppose to be about the person expressing!

The expression of desire is so powerful and important to us as individuals – and I encourage you to practice it. Consider having a conversation with your partner about the importance of learning how to express desires – and the difference between desires and requests. Remenber, when you express desire there is no expectation of action on the part of the listener.  And in that boundary – there is incredible freedom in both the expression of the desire and the listening to it.

I acknowledge that these expressions make me feel vulnerable. So don’t be surprised if this practice can do the same for you. There aren’t many rules, but if you feel anxious about this practice….you are not alone. It’s just so worth it. Once you start the ball rolling – letting your desire flow will create more possibility in your life and greater intimacy with your partner.

One of the most common questions that I am asked by my fifty something coaching clients is what can they do to keep it sexy after 50. So I have created some helpful tips to keep you humming!
Are You Lover Ready?
Never underestimate the value of breath mints! I am really not kidding – somehow when we are in relationship for a while, we let things go. We come to bed in sweat pants and torn tee shirts. We give our best at the office where we carry the peppermints – but sometimes come to bed without brushing our teeth! When you come to bed are you “Lover Ready” or more likely ready to turn your back?
I always find the suggestion of a date night so cliché. But date nights are really important. It’s important to leave those tennis shoes at home and get dressed up! It is only by courting each other that we get to remember the person that you fell in love with. Keep the connection and communication alive by not bringing your problems to dinner. Don’t bring up the issues with the kids, or financial problems. Really they can wait! Instead focus on your dreams – and what kind of adventure your guys could plan if you could create the time away. In addition, if you can get away – go! The truth is that sex in a hotel room can be the best sex of all.
Sex is about more than procreation and it can get better with age. Yes – sex changes as we get older. Our hormones wane – and this can actually be a good thing! If we are not in the frenzy of hormone driven sex – we can take advantage of the slowing down. There is opportunity in the slowing down where a deepening sensuality can grow.
Remember that young sex is hormone driven. Those raging hormones get us running around those bases like we are in a race. Isn’t it hard to taste your food while you are running? As our hormones soften – we can too and perhaps finally begin to truly pay attention to what we are doing. Slow down and get sensual.
Let you hot deep desire soften into love and gentleness. Let go of what love making used to look like – that was so last year. It’s time to let go of who you used to be as a sexual creature and say hello to who you are now. Many people believe that making love (sex) starts in our brains. It’s about how you think of yourself. If you think you are old and your sexuality is dead then most likely you will act old and you sexuality will be dead. Instead – let’s flip the sex switch back on – and let the blood flow!

Sex is About More Than Intercourse!
It’s time for an attitude adjustment! If you are a man over 50 – you do not need to be a roaring stallion anymore. Chances are your woman would be just as happy if you learned how to explore the other arts of love making! Explore things like oral sex and all body touch. Slow it down and do a little research on how to make your touch sexier. There are some great resources out there. Explore educational videos that can teach you how to use your mouth and hands more effectively! And maybe it’s time to see what is going on at your local sex store! Sex toys are fun – and they can really inspire you to be innovative in your play!

The Changing Body

Both men and women experience changes in our bodes as we age. Women may find that they are now experiencing thinness in their vaginal walls and dryness. Men may experience a drop in testosterone while women are losing estrogen. Talk to your doctor about exploring Bio Identical Hormone Therapy. Some experts believe that changes in diet, increasing exercise, acupuncture and even doing kegals for both men and women can really help. Learn about the little blue pill, lubricants, arousal gels for women and become an innovative thinker.
Menopause or Manopause is no reason for sex to stop. Sexless marriages and sexless single lives do not have to happen simply because we age or our bodies change. In fact these changes can bring added gifts. It is possible to become a hotter lover and be more sexually active than we ever were when we were younger. Come on….have you ever done a sexy Skype conversation with your partner?
See? The possibilities are endless!

Seeing those images can make me feel confronted with what I am not and leaves me with this feeling that I am not enough. More than that – it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I just don’t look like that.

And what is it that I want – you may ask? It’s a simple thing really….I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it – all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my ass shaking in a bad way! And don’t give me platitudes.  I know them so well I could sing along.

I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a water fall.  I don’t want much – I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness! Is that asking for so much?

Lately, as I prepare to go on the first of many healing retreats, I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure. Am I a fraud – or am I simply real and honest? The fact is – that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality – but everyday as my feet touch the ground – it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am. And that is the truth – to say anything else would be to over promise healing – like those 30 day miracle diets on television.

Several months ago in Wallstreet Journal there is a great article, Conquering Fear which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough – that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly – and that our boss hates us.

My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale January 2011) is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way…. And I did.

But  every now and then I get tweaked in an unexpected way. There are a few new videos that have been posted of me on You Tube from a conference that I recently spoke at – and frankly they make me cringe. I hope you enjoy them.  They make me cringe.

Every time I watch them – I get taken out of how I was “feeling” when I made those videos and I get stuck in how I believe I look. I hate my neck. My face is too round. I have a double chin in that angle. How did they shoot that angle? And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt – and worry. You see – I am a real woman. Isn’t that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that – all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don’t. But it can get better.

This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are – every single day just like a religious practice – things will change in your world.

In so many ways – it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self talk, and self encouragement that needs to happen. I have to do it too – even now.  Especially now! The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough – or are broken in some way – don’t ever really go completely away.

I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days – I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step – and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see – I still  have really big moments of self loathing. It’s all a part of the process…..

Self loving is a practice. Let’s practice together.

Women have a lot to get over when it comes to their vulvas. After all – most of the messages that they get around their genitals have to do with “cleaning them up” and changing them in some way. There are deodorizing sprays, and wipes as well as waxes for our pubic hair – and even plastic surgery to tidy up those inner lips! Oh yes – when it comes to vulvas – there is a lot of shame and disgust with our natural state of being. The road to Shameless self love is not an easy one for a woman with so few messages of complete genital acceptance available to us.

When was the last time you heard a vulva being called beautiful? And while there are great artists that have given the vulva praise in art such a Georgia O’Keefe – the vulva does not get’s it due compared to the male member when it comes to praise and adoration.

Many women are left feeling very confused and unsure of their vulvas. They are not sure if their vulvas look good, smell good, or are even normal – let alone beautiful. There are often not a lot of guides available to help a woman on her way to self acceptance and the true pleasure that is available in her own body.

So, if you want to help yourself – or a woman in your life feel better about herself and have hotter, more delicious sex – why not engage in a vulva compliment and adoration session?

The next time you get your female lover in bed – why not set some time aside to simply gaze lovingly at the face of her sexuality. Tell her that she is beautiful. Pet her lovingly without going after sex in that moment. Give a gentle kiss – and perhaps even tell your favorite vulva that she smells good. And while you are at it – thank this beautiful vulva for all the pleasure that she gives you.

Ladies – while receiving this praise, adoration and love from your partners is a beautiful and healing thing exercise – and I encourage you to breathe it all in – you do not need a partner to do this for yourself.

Set aside some time – and create your own ritual of self love and adoration. Try starting with a warm bath to relax yourself – and place your hand over your entire venus mound. Then offer yourself some loving pussy affirmations such as “My vulva is beautiful”, “I have a gorgeous and amazing pussy”, “I love all of the pleasure that my Yoni gives me”.  I am am sure that you can come up with a few on your own!

Let’s start a new trend among women – and the men who love us. Let’s offer praise to this gateway of pleasure and life. You might be amazed what could begin to open when our vaginas are given love, praise and adoration.

So what follows is a scene that never made it into the book – I was driving up to Easton Mountain for a Body Electric Retreat with my friend Corrine….

And the blog begins…..

As, I drove to Corrine, to pick her up for our drive to Easton Mountain, I started to replay my last session with Markus when he gave me a lesson on giving a back rub – an kind of intro to basic massage. I had never touched his body before and it shocked me how much I enjoyed  touching him and giving him pleasure.

How much I loved rubbing his back, holding his head in my hands – and having the freedom to run my fingers over his back from the base of his spin to his hair.

And then, I was hit with a  startling realization. That it was not just the beauty of his body and the opportunity to simply just touch him back  (something that I did not usually get invited to do in session) that I was savoring – it was the intimacy that I was feeling between us.

The relationship that had formed in almost a year of weekly three hour visits, telephone conversations, field trips and emails.

STOP THE CAR.

I actually pulled over, and sat back behind the wheel.

I was growing attached to Markus.  This professional relationship was filled with REAL HUMAN INTIMACY -  and it was spilling over the boundaries that I was attached to, when I started this work.

I was clear that I was not feeling romantic love for this man. I had no desire to send him valentines or leave my husband. I had no desire for sexual touch with Markus outside of session. But still, this realization that I was feeling any kind of attachment to him sent a crackle of fear down my spine.

I was not suppose to feel attachment, or love – of any kind for my Sexologist or Sacred Intimate! That was the entire point of this – no emotional attachment! But here I was almost a year after I had started working with Markus -  and all of a sudden – things were not feeling so neat any more.

I didn’t want to leave for my retreat without speaking to Markus. I wish that I could write him. But I was going to be away from technology. So I decided to call him.

“Good morning Goddess!!! How are you today? On the road yet?” Markus greeted me.

“Yes, I am in the car – on my way to Corrine – and I needed to speak to you before I left. Can you talk with me for a little while?” I asked.

“Sure, Pamela – I am all yours. Is everything alright?”

“I don’t know how to start – and I am feeling embarrassed and scared – and I guess that I don’t have to tell you this – but I want to because it is scaring me on several levels. So just let me get it all out before you respond…… I realized something for the first time. Markus, I am getting really attached to you. I am realizing that I am feelings all these feelings! And it is scaring me. I am feeling love. Love for you!  And when I think about it – How could I NOT love you!!!!! Look at all the things that have happened to me because of my work with you?

How  could I not loving not being ruled by food  addiction? How  could I not love feeling my body change slowly? How could I not love feeling healthier? How could I not love feeling in control of my food? How  could I not love feeling beautiful? How could I not love feel sexy?

How could I not love feeling my divinity? How could I not love feeling strong inside? How could I not love discovering my sexuality? How could I not love finding out about my sexual desires? How could I not love finding out about  spankings? How could I not love sharing my feelings?

How could I not love feeling safe and supported? How could I not love being given handouts to take home and learn? How could I not love being offered guidance? How could I not love being offered health? How could I not love someone caring enough about me to feed me frozen raspberries?

How could I not love learning how to feed them to myself? How could I not love flowers on a bed meant for me? How could I not love learning to look at my own body in the mirror and see my own beauty? How could I not love being bathed and cared for by you?

Markus – How could I not love the person that is bringing me these gifts?”  And these feelings are breaking all the rules..”

I think I might have drawn a breath. “Markus are you there? Did you hang up? Is it wrong for me to love you? I am feeling so frightened that you are going to tell me that I am too emotionally dependent on you now – and walk away from me in fear!! How can I express how I feel in a safe way and honest way – because I do not know how to do anything else..that does not break boundaries – and ruin all the things that are new and loving and good?

Am I suppose to deny? In order to keep what I am loving so much? I know who you are, Markus. You are my teacher. I know who I am, I am your student. Your client. We are not friends – really. We are not lovers. Yet I want to tell you that I am feeling love for you. And that makes me feel so vulnerable. I want to tell you, and be honest with you about  my feelings of attachment without the fear of losing all the things that I love. This love that is bringing me so much richness of experience. So much joy.

But think about it Mark, how could I not love? How could I not feel emotional attachment after all that we have done together? Can I feel those things, be honest with you about them – and not have you ‘end the session’? How can I not love? After all that I have experienced – with all the gifts that you have offered me – I would not be human. Please tell me, Markus. How do I not love? Is it wrong that I love? Will I be turned away for loving? I love you and all the gifts that you have brought me. You have helped me start to change my life – and I am just beginning.” Tears were flowing – and I was talking between gasps of air.”

“Pamela – stop. Breathe a minute. It is all good. I promise you. I receive your love and it does not scare me. I will not send you away for loving. Pammy – I hold love in my heart for you as well. It is all good and natural. It is all received and It’s all okay. I receive your love. It is real. My love for you is real.

The structures /boundaries are  real too. The people have their limits- the Love, however knows none. A paradox- one of many…Pamela, we can both enjoy the journey. I am too!” Markus took a pause and then continued ” Your fears are “old programs” of abandonment when feeling made ashamed of  for being “too big” or “too hungry”. I’m not abandoning you. You are no longer susceptible either as you are an adult, a very powerful one as well! It’s just old programs.”

“But Markus – I PAY YOU.  I pay to see you. You are a ‘hired coach of love and spiritual guidance. You are not really even my friend in the truest sense of the word.”

“Pamela, In this economy/culture  people pay me so that I can pay my rent and my organic grocery bills!!  What you pay for is the rate for my TIME. Everything else in the session is a GIFT from Heaven. I believe that it is the “Gods” gifting me to guide the session, and myself as well!

I don’t have an agenda or even sometimes an idea about the WHAT, where, or activity in some of the sessions. Most want bodywork as we are a touch starved people.

Our connection and love, your feelings- all REAL.

The circumstances are arranged- not unlike a good theater experience- beautiful, cathartic, we are transformed and moved. Kate, do we fall in “love ” and go home with the players in the Theater? No, we don’t need to! We go back to our lives transformed with new “spunk” for living. But Pamela – what you are saying is real ANYWAY. Our relationship is real. About what you FEEL about me is real.

But go deeper. Please go to the source of the wound:The relationship between you and me is second to your relationship with YOURSELF, between your feelings and YOU. Your feelings are Trans-personal. They go beyond our personal limits – Real love does. Our relationship is TRANS personal, it goes beyond a “married woman with kids” and  “a single gay man”. I am the Goddess for you. I am the God for you. I awaken YOU to awaken HER – your “not so in hiding”, Goddess.” Markus stopped there and waited.

“I trust you, Markus. Not to hurt me. I am just scared that this feeling of attachment will hurt me in some way. And that it is wrong for me to have these feelings. In some ways I have, from day one, given you my heart and asked you not to break it on so many levels.” I put my head back on the rest in the car.

“Dear sweet Pamela, your trust is the most precious! I do hold your beating heart in my hands. I do know the trust that you have given me and I am, as always deeply moved by you. Yes, more raspberries are ready to be spooned to you with sweetness. You are my Beloved, you will always be.

Nothing can change that. That is trans relational……My goal is for you to feel that, live that,  carry that seed that I (we) plant beyond the time that our work sessions comes to a close.”

I felt better. I understood more – and it felt right to share and have this conversation with Markus. I guess if this was regular therapy this would be called transference. But I felt safe now in my feelings – and it was important for me to know that what I was feeling was real. And not just a part of my payment schedule. That the intimacy  and affection between us was real – not imagined. Markus said a lot to me, and so much of it made sense – and gave me a context in which to look at my feelings. I had so much to think about.  I never realized just how much trust and intimacy I had with this man.  And perhaps – because of the safe container that I built with him – the intimacy and the caring – perhaps that is how I have been able to move on this road of personal growth and transformation. Maybe, it could not be done without love and intimacy. All of that surrendering!!!! And I was on my way to experience more.

That blog was written many years ago. I no longer do sessions with Markus – he is now a good friend. I still care deeply about him – and I never had the feeling to move past love to lover. It just never happened. But this can be a tricky landscape for some women doing hands on work especially if they are not working with a hands on practitioner that is not in integrity. That is why I tell women if they are interested in doing hands on work with a practitioner that it is often best to do this with the help and assistance of a sexuality coach that is familiar with this kind of healing work.

It was the face of woman who just spent a good deal of time lost in pleasure. There was no make up on her face – but she didn’t need it. Her color was so rich – she was the ripe piece of melon that I often write about. It is what women become after so much pleasure. We spill over….the juices dripping from our very pores.  Oh God. I felt a moment of pure joy for her – and a pang. I wanted, no I needed to feel that again in my body very soon.

She threw her arms around my waist in her pure joy and we walked from Hank’s studio over to The Peninsula Hotel – as if we have known each other our whole lives. In a sense we were sisters – we had experienced something that not many woman have had the opportunity to experience. Yet.

She was full of giggles. “Oh My God! Pamela!! OMG! I want more! And more! And more! And more!” Ah huh. Ya think? We are so hungry for this – and then over the perfect dirty martini – she said the real truth – the truth of my book – the truth of what it is really all about for women today of a certain age – or perhaps any age.

With her eyes literally as big as saucers she said “He asked me about my desires! It stopped me dead – Pamela.  MY desires? Really? No one had ever asked me about my desires! About what I want. OMG. I didn’t know what to say! I wasn’t even sure that I knew what they were! But I knew I had them – and I wanted to explore them. I don’t think I can stop now – Oh Pamela – I don’t want to stop. I think I have come alive again.”

Shameless.

Oh yes – there are exceptions to every rule!  And rules are made to be broken – right? Like my personal addiction to the sex toy, the Hitachi Wand.  To me – and thousands of others, who use vibrators in their sex lives (alone or as a couple) – the Hitachi Wand was the most dependable toy around.

I have used others – because I know that self pleasuring (masturbating) with the same sex toy all time is not always the best way to achieve or heighten sexual pleasure. But try and try again – I never hit another vibrator that worked for me like the old wand – and I got tired of throwing good money at toys that didn’t  how shall we say – hit the spot?

And then I met Jimmyjane’s Form 2 one of the rock stars in the “Pleasure to The People” line.  Form 2 a little discreet vibrator that took the form perhaps of a small bunny face (nothing like the famous vibrator toy – the rabbit!).   It is all about the little ears or if you like-  the two amazing fingers! What does it look like to you?

The designers call it “LITTLE PERKY” (suggesting that we call Form 2 whatever we would like – I call it magnificent! I had little to no expectations for it – it was so small. How could little Form 2 bring me to orgasmic  bliss?  I could wax poetic about the delicate vibrations that reminded me of a lovers fingers which special abilities.  Or the how the double prong (ears) worked together or separately!  All I know is that I have a new friend in my bed room drawer – ight next to my  Zestra!  Put those two together – and call me in the morning!

I have spent a great deal of time feeling naked on the inside. I love that language. “Naked on the Inside”. It really speaks to our core vulnerabilities. When we work at opening that up – When we allow our own selves to really look at our own most naked places – and then decide that it is really okay to let others hold that part of us – or even just to see that part of us – tremendous healing can happen. It’s about making the choice not to be invisible anymore - to yourself or to others.

I keep getting closer and closer to those places in myself. And, some of my friends and my sexuality coaching clients - are beginning to open themselves too. It is like watching flowers open. Each petal opens in it’s own time, and then one day you are staring at the carpels and the stamen…the most secret part of a flower. And like flowers, opening one petal at a time…when they are fully open – it can be stunning to behold.

I keep looking deeper and deeper into myself. I am amazed by how many petals that I have. When I allow myself to admire myself – to truly feel good about all the parts of me – sometimes, I need to put aside all of your eyes.

Sometimes, we “become” the reflection of other’s perceptions of us. And sometimes, those perceptions are simply their own projections, assumptions and prejudices. It is hard to put aside the eyes of others to truly look inside ourselves and see our own nakedness in our own reality.

It is really hard. None of us are the glossy pictures in magazines. Not even the people who are photographed. And I don’t simply mean their physical beauty – I also mean the inner “stories” that the pictures encourage us to layer on the images.

And then there is the paradox. Sometimes, I want you eyes on my nakedness. I want your projections, assumptions, prejudices and approval. Because in those, there is a learning and a healing too.

I have gotten to love walking around naked in public – at places like Harbin Spa in Northern California – where there are out door hot tubs and nudity is allowed.

I have spent so much of my life hiding my nakedness. Now I want all of me to be seen. I am very self aware of my nakedness. It is not self conscious – it is self aware. I like to feel my body as I move about. My strong legs and ass. The curve of my waist – the softness of my belly. I think that being naked in public (where it is allowed and acceptable) has been one of the most healing things that I have done for myself.

My middle years have been one big self reveal. In my book, Shameless I have let you see and hold my soul, and I have let you see me naked in your imaginations.

I have allowed myself to open my petals….and simply be the flower that I am. I have let who ever has wanted to look – by opening my book – view deep inside of me….even down to my carpels and stamen. I have let you all “see” what I “see”. Sometimes, we actually see different things. Sometimes, my readers have even pointed out parts of me that I didn’t know were there. There are times, that I do not like what you reflect back to me – and there are times when you have provided a much more loving mirror than I would ever have held up for myself.

Perhaps the best part, is that my writing – my willingness to show you my nakedness – has allowed you to look at parts of yourself that perhaps you didn’t know were there either. Some of my readers are becoming great friends because I have shared my journey – and it has become a great big exercise in “I will show you mine, and now you have shown me yours” – or perhaps the game of “You have that too?”

Naked on the inside….and allowing others to see. Perhaps that has been the journey all along.

One of our mutual friends wasn’t very comfortable with everything in my book. I told her that I thought that she was uncomfortable with some of the “kinkier” desires that I had uncovered during my journey of sexual self discovery.  “I think it was the spanking” I told her.  “I think that the spanking freaked her out,” I confided in my friend. Her eyes grew as big as saucers and she started to giggle. She covered her mouth and in a stage whisper said to me “Like it too!” We both broke out peals of laughter. “Of course you do!” I said with a wink. “It’s not so uncommon, you know – so many people love to play with sensation and power games in the bedroom.”

The one thing that I learned is that no one is kinkier than anybody else – and whatever you think is sexy or erotic – there is a line behind you of people who find the same thing sexy and erotic! Just go into any sex store and you will see your neighbors fetishes all lined up and ready for purchase. So – lighten up and give up the shame. If what you are turned on by is safe, sane and consensual – it’s really all good! And you don’t have to whisper! We all probably like it too!

All of my past attempts at formal boot camps of self deprivation and exercise has been mostly miserable failures. My only success happened when I was wasn’t really trying during my Shameless Journey when I found out that what I was really missing, was living a sexually integrated and whole life. It was on and off a massage table, that the pounds slipped away because I was finally feeding myself what I really needed which was sensual touch that was all about me.

And so, I went from being a plus size two, to a mere “Large” or a size 14/16. And that is where my body stayed.

Frankly, I am not miserable at all at this current weight even if it is bigger than some. The mountain of flesh that I hid behind had melted into curves and valleys. I feel pretty damn sexy.

But when I think back to the body that I once had, way back before I had kids, I kind of feel cheated. I had no idea how physically beautiful I was in my younger years – but it didn’t matter. I didn’t feel hot at all.
In fact, I didn’t even feel warm. Introduce the expression “Youth is wasted on the young”. Right now I so get that!

Now switch up the conversation from my cliche to the next! You know the expression,”If you don’t have your health – you don’t have anything?”

Well, hyper-tension¸acid and non acid reflux and a stomach that is not empty properly is now creating major health problems that are starting to get in the way of my new found “hotness” in the imperfectly perfect skin I am in.

It is hard to feel really sexy in the middle of a dinner when you are choking on your steak! I had to do something – and I really didn’t know what.

I started where most of us start when we are in the midst of a health crisis – I googled my symptoms and I didn’t like what I had to read. Apparently, the diet Coke that was my mainstay may have actually contributed to the swallowing issues. I had to give up diet Coke? Really? And drink what? Water? Like from the sink?Everyone knew that plastic wasn’t good for you either!

I was immediately unhappy. I loved my diet Coke, but in that moment I knew that I had popped my last can. Then it was off to the specialist. Guess what? More diets and more restrictions. I was given the GERD Diet. Now, how sexy was this? I was a hot smoking mama – and I was now on a GERD Diet?

What that meant is that I now unable to eat or had to deeply curtail my consumption of chocolate and red wine!

Okay – now they were talking sex food! Were they kidding? And my afternoon Starbucks latte? Gone. I had to lift the head of my bed so I didn’t die in the middle of the night from reflux into my lungs, and I had to stop eating about three hours before bed. Fabulous – sign me up for the early bird special!
Now…I must be honest – none of this was fitting with my hot, sexy, shameless image. I was starting to feel pulled down. And then came the clinker…I had to lose weight if I really wanted to get better. Apparently my belly fat that I had finally made peace  with was pushing on my stomach and making all of the health issues worse.

Diets have never worked for me. The doctor started to talk about putting a rubber band around my stomach to help me diet. That made me feel like an even bigger failure – but I started to consider it – and then rejected it again. People diet. People lose weight on their own – I was a smart girl – why couldn’t’ I see this as dieting in a completely new way. For the first time I was not going to dieting to look or feel sexy – I got that already. This was for my health. But I started to wonder about the changes in my body.

What about losing 40 pounds at 50? Wouldn’t I hang or sag? What was I going to be left with if on the off chance that I was successful? I became clear that if I was going to do this I was going to lose weight as the completion of my journey to a healthy second half of life that was filled with being sexuality alive.

Could I really do that for myself?

Let’s face it – I still had some body images – could I move past the rest of it?

But was dieting the only answer? The more I thought about this crusade, the more I thought about this being a year of rejuvenation.

What would I need to build a team to really bring in all the aspects of rejuvenation? Yoga? Walking? A Food Coach? Massage? Plastic Surgery? Vitamins? What would a total plan look like? The one thing I am clear about is that in order for me to be successful – I need a team!
I started in two places….one obvious place – Weight Watchers. I felt main-stream and as if just the signing up for the program signaled doom and failure. What was I doing? Is this the food plan I want to be on? I am not sure – but it was cheap and easy and on line so I am a member.

And the not so obvious place is Dr. Bart Rademaker, the plastic surgeon. That I wrote about the other day. Dr. Rademaker specializes in regenerative plastic surgery.  And yesterday I got this done!

Tomorrow I will write about the cookies and the needles! And for now- I am trying to unwind the story for you as I face my fears – and begin the process.  I promise to share all the steps on the journey….

If Shameless was any indication – this is going to be one hell of a ride!

The idea of rejuvenation started to kick in for me once I landed back from my exhausting book tour. I came home with health problems that seemed to need “healing” and restorative care.  I had to “diet”.  Me diet? How could I do that? I am about not dieting! But I had never approached dieting from a place of personal rejuvenation before.  Before, it was always about me needing to look a certain way for somebody else to love me.  To be perfectly honest – dieting was even on the table as a way for me to love me.

It took my shameless journey to teach me how to love the body that I am in, and for the first time I could perhaps seeing dieting or changing my eating habits as a way to heal my body.  I never bought into that before…but that was before I had trouble swallowing!

And so I joined Weight Watchers as a way to heal myself – the same way that I climbed on the table of a Sacred Intimate to help heal myself. This was new to me.  To be perfectly frank – I felt some shame around it! How could I the shameless woman who thumbed her nose at all conventions do something as conventional as Weight Watchers? I could do it because now that I had healed the issues with my body – and I didn’t want anything to stand in the way of that celebration!

Honestly, I am not interested in being skinny. I am a curvy girl – and proud of it. But I am also going to do what I need to do to live a healthy, fabulous life. And if going down ONE size will do it – I am in.  So, that was step one on my path to my year of rejuvenation. And then – quite by accident I met Dr. Bart Rademaker, a plastic surgeon -  at a wellness conference. We really hit it off and he invited me to come for a visit to Tampa, Florida to explore helping him with his website.  Being the marketing maven that I am – I accepted the ticket and headed to the very hot, hot weather of Florida in the summer.

To be perfectly honest – I have had a lot of judgement about people who did plastic surgeon or went the way of injections, botox and fillers.  The people that I knew who did this like celebrities, looked weird to me.  And I was determined to age gracefully – none of that was for me.

But that was so last week!

I had no idea what was going on in the world of plastic surgery until I met Dr. Rademaker – and spent the night listening to him wax poetic about stem cells and something called Selphyl where they take your own blood and extract your platelets and fibrin to rejuvenate your face! Organic plastic surgery? Really?

The more I talked to Dr. Rademaker, a Nobel Peace Prize nominee – the more I thought about this for myself. But it felt scary – and my own judgements about “just loving myself the way I am” came up for me.  I posted on Facebook about exploring Botox and some of the other bag of tricks that Dr. Rademaker had in this tool kit and it was met with mostly excitement. But a friend posted and said that it didn’t fit with my brand….

I felt judged, just as I felt judged when I started out on my sexuality journey.

Why can’t I go on a journey of rejuvenation if I choose to? After all, that is what I did on my Shameless Journey – didn’t I?

I am feeling called to explore this – excited even! I want to know what is possible with the body that I have. When I was 20 years old, I had a gorgeous body but I didn’t understand it.  Now, I understand my body – but it is aging in ways that does not always feel comfortable to me. So do I have the right to explore what it might feel like to have the entire package in the ways that feel comfortable for me? Or am I just setting myself up for more judgement?

We will see! But I have committed to this – and I am going to do it wide open and in public! I am committed to being Shameless and living my life as a woman in full according to me! Just as I encourage you to live your life in full according to you! You will be able to see You Tube videos – and lots of blogs.

So….I am beginning! Jumping off the cliff for my year of rejuvenation! What do you think?

When people want to attack me for speaking out for women (and men) to take the time to really explore who they are as a sexual beings within their own boundaries – their very favorite thing to say is that I am being self indulgent and encouraging other people to do the same!

About 24 years ago – I began to speak out for people who were going through infertility. The funny thing is – that back then (and even still today), I ran up against people who told me that couples who were trying to build their families through Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) such as IVF, Egg Donation, or Surrogacy were selfish, narcissus and self-indulgent. Why didn’t they “just adopt” or sponsor children in other countries – they wanted to know!

There was a tremendous amount of shaming of people going through infertility treatment and self righteous judgment. Frankly – this still goes on today. Of course – back then and today as well – there are people that “get it” – and support family building tremendously – but there are always the few loud mouths who feel that they really know best! And they want to protect you from the evils that they know will come you way if you continue to travel down your misguided path.

Now that I have expanded my advocacy to include sexual wholeness for people and am sharing my own personal story through my memoir Shameless, I am encountering the very same phenomenon. There is a huge group of supporters from Dr. Christiane Northrup to everyday women who are going through the same self-loathing and sexual confusion that I went through (and are taking courage in my story) and there are the people who are attempting to shame me for my self exploration. That my desires to try and understand who I was as a sexual being was self indulgent and my sharing of it shameful.

Back in the day when I experienced infertility – I broke down barriers for people who were too ashamed of their infertility to seek help or speak to others. Now – I am surprised to find myself exactly in the same waters, but this time around sexuality.

It’s shocking after a half century or so of “the sexual revolution”, that healthy integrated sexuality is still taboo – even terrifying to some. But I trust just like I have before – that the day will come when women will be truly free of shame around their sexuality.

Have you ever heard that phrase? How about “The more you get – the more you want?” Have you noticed that the word “insatiable” goes so well with the word “desire”? Almost like peanut butter and jelly!

There have been times in my own sexual awakening that I started to feel that exploring my sexuality is like that old saying about eating Chinese food. You can have a delicious meal and twenty minutes later you are hungry again!

Maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being – you can become dormant just like a hibernating bear. Have you ever seen a hibernating bear on one of those nature shows after he wakes up? Just like the bear – once you wake up and begin to feed yourself – you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

I love to talk about us “waking up your sleeping beauty!“ And what I mean by that – is reawakening our sexual selves. But what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself? And don’t take my metaphor too literally this can apply to men too!

I have been steeped in desire lately – I have a Shameless Life Coaching practice – and one of my clients is a lovely woman who I am going to call “Gena”. Gena is in her forties and has two kids, runs her own business and after reading my book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner began to explore her own sexuality by working with me and a Certified Sexological Bodyworker.

Guess what happened? Her inner “Sleeping Beauty” woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic! Well, actually feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable.

Once we start exploring what we desire, figure out how desire looks for us and how to reach for them – things can really heat up for us in our lives! Gena recently said to me…

“Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started do deeply explore this part of myself – I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc.

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following discussion groups, reading, watching videos, having more experiences, experimenting with Zestra and other ways of exploring my own sexuality for myself. And all of this learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don’t feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I’m unsettled. Like I’m waiting for something. It’s hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that’s it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more”.

I don’t think that Gena is alone. After we starve ourselves – and then taste food for the first time in a long time – it can be pretty overwhelming. The good news is that if we continue to feed ourselves our lives can become more balanced and we can kind up in a much better place.

What I have found is that it comes in waves. This insatiable need for more is always strongest in the beginning of ending sensual deep sleep.

Again, I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food or cannot stop eating. So many of us are starving in our bodies for sensual pleasure and a fully healthy integrated life.

It’s just that sometimes we don’t know our hunger until we jump start our bodies and come out of hibernation. And then the food tastes so sweet and our bodies just cannot get enough because we went too long without feeding it.

My suggestion is to everyone who is just beginning to wake up again sexually is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine, and as you are able to – feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now – then let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again – that it IS available.

If you can afford it, explore taking a workshop and indulge yourself a bit. Look for new ways to feed and explore your own sexuality. Pleasure and sexuality can be found in so many things! Use your new found sexual energy to channel your creativity! Painting, taking up photography, cooking, dancing and yoga are all great ways to continue to explore and use your nearly emerging sexual energy.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself! I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH. I give myself special long sexy baths .I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.

Please don’t be frightened of your desires. Feed yourself in ways that reassures your body and your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do. Notice your desire. Do not judge it or decide that it is too much.

Consider seeing and feeling your desire as an indicator of your vitality! I often feel my desire in that way. I choose to feel that I am a beautiful sexual being in full bloom! When I feel my deep desire….I imagine myself as that flower after the rain and I allow myself to enjoy the feeling.

I believe that as our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again that we will become less agitated with all of these new feelings and we will become more fulfilled in how we live our daily lives. Sex is not an end point – it is an integral part of who we are.

For now, I have advised my client to eat freely and eat often. I am so glad that Gena woke up! And she is not alone. So many of us are finally acknowledging our desires, and wanting more for ourselves in this life. Feeling all of those feelings it isn’t always comfortable especially in the beginning – but isn’t it so much better than being asleep?

“There I was standing in front of a group of people – perhaps 30 or more in a beautiful independent bookstore in Seattle, Washington. I could feel the quiet in the room, the soft breathing of the crowd as I read from one of the more provocative chapters in my memoir – Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner….”

I could feel the anticipation in the room as I read aloud about “The Dark Knight” looking deeply in my eyes and asking me if I could surrender to him. And it occurred to me that I was actually stripping in public. Have you ever done that? Allowed yourself to be excruciating vulnerable in public? So vulnerable that you felt like you were stripping off your clothes?
That has been what it has been like for me on my book tour. Doing a reading from a memoir – especially one as provocative and intimate as Shameless has really challenged my own notions of shame! Could I read to a group of strangers, and share one of the most intimate experiences of my life?  It was one thing knowing that people all over the country were reading my memoir – it is quite a different experience reading your most personal thoughts aloud to a group.

As I read, I felt the color rise to my checks as I tried to connect with the group of spell bound listeners. I made myself look into the eyes of my audience. It was terrifying! Was there healing in this for me? Was there healing in allowing myself to be truly naked in public? I wasn’t sure. The only thing I was sure of was that I was allowing myself to be completely vulnerable with this group. It was like falling backwards – and trusting that you would be caught.
I finished the chapter – and was met with applause, laughter and the longest question and answer of the entire tour. It was fabulous. I almost didn’t read that chapter – it was near the end of the book – and it felt too intimate to me. But I trusted that somehow it was the right chapter for the group that was assembled. So I stripped naked in public, and I didn’t die. Instead I found myself embraced, loved, and something more. By sharing my soul with people – they shared theirs with mine. It was a risk worth taking.”

Somehow – I keep doing this.  Last weekend at a Body Electric Workshop  for Women, we were asked to do a “Reveal” – where we stood in front of the group of women that we had spent the weekend with – and we had three minutes to share something very real and vulnerable about our lives.  Three minutes can be a long time. We all did it. After I did it – I couldn’t stop crying. I felt too opened up – how could I say these things out loud? What allowed me to do that? Was it healing for me or educational for my audience? Was it a way of truly being seen? And if I allowed the world to see me in such a real way – what would change for me? Would I be comfortable with that? I wasn’t sure – and I was a little shaken.

And then yesterday on Psychology Today I published a piece on Female Ejaculation. It was a very personal blog about a truly transformational experience for me. The comments on Facebook kept coming in – thanking me for sharing my story. The readership on that blog is growing minute by minute. I read the comment where Dr. Christiane Northrup (a woman who I consider a mentor and teacher) calls me a pioneer. Really?

I try to put some breath around that for myself. Is that what I am? Am I  a pioneer or a woman who needs an edit button?

I don’t think that it is the subject matter that I am talking about that is so pioneering really.  What I think stuns people is that I am willing to use the first person. Make it about my experience – my orgasm, my ejaculation, my weight,  my sexiness, my self loathing, my sessions, my marriage without hiding behind a fictional character or perhaps a made up “client”.

I don’t know how to do this any other way.  I suppose that it is startling.  Frankly – it is often that for me too. I often jump off the cliff of my story telling – and then go back and say something like “Did I really tell the world that?” Yet – we are all still standing!

Yet,  it is in my ability to leap  and be a vulnerable  truth teller that allows other people the permission to really take inside what I am  sharing.  When I am real – you get permission to be real too.

I am not going to say that this is easy.  Allowing people to come inside your heart for a little while – and perhaps even inside your most intimate experiences can leave me breathless.  But it is the place that I write from and coach my clients from. I simply don’t know any other way to communicate and teach.

So, I will continue to strip naked in public – whether it is at my workshops, my blogging or my books. There are times that I reach for the blanket of love of my community, my family, my friends, my readers, my social network fans, to cover me up and hold me. Sometimes, I need to be rocked too – and comforted. I am mindful of my body – and my own emotional limits. It can be exhausting stripping in public on a regular basis – but if you have never tried it – I dare you.

It can be a magical, transformational and healing experience.

When was the last time you “stripped naked” in public? Allowed yourself to be truly intimate with people? It can feel really scary – but the lessons of my life as a public sex and fertility educator has taught me that taking the risk to be intimate is the most rewarding experience of all. And in the end – I have no regrets at all.

Have you ever had an experience like this? Have you ever stripped in public? How do you feel when you read about my intimate disclosures? Do they support you? How?

What is a turned on woman? It’s a woman who has figured out that sex begins with learning how to be a courtesan for herself first and foremost. It’s about taking the time to look within and connect to our own sexual core. Once we figure out how to do that – a turned on woman will develop a deeper connection to her own sexual engine and be able to take that power source out into the world for the good of her family, friends, and community.

I wrote about my own experiences in becoming a turned on woman in my memoir “Shameless, How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner”, but that was my journey. Every woman has her own journey. But what I learned on my journey is that
sex is a power tool.

Sex can bring babies into the world, steal hearts, and over throw empires. So why wouldn’t we use sex to enliven, invigorate and transform our lives? Have you forgotten about it? Or perhaps never really tapped into your own sexuality? Sometimes, we have to rediscover our desire for it. Learn to take pleasure from it – and learn to use sex to energize us from the inside out. The secret sauce is that our sexual energy can actually fuel our creative juices, enliven our relationships and connect us in a deeper way on our spiritual path.

Sex is pretty powerful stuff. But like the best kinds of energy available, it is clean, sustainable and self renewing. We just have to stoke the fires once in a while!

How can you begin to tap into this magical, mystical place in your body? One of my favorite places to begin with my coaching clients (who I have taken to calling my “Client Girlfriends”) is to have them develop their own self pleasuring practice.

So many of my client girlfriends often bristle, and roll their eyes at the thought. The common refrain is “If I have to give it to myself what good is it?” or “I don’t have the time to self pleasure” or “If I give it to myself then it’s not worth very much!”

To that I say “We have to stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure. We can’t always expect someone else to give us what we want – and if we don’t develop a self pleasuring practice how on earth are we ever go to know what we want when we are with a partner?”

That brought a light bulb moment to my clients who responded by saying “OMG. You are right. When my lover asks me what I like – I can’t tell him. I have no idea.”

This beautiful woman is not alone. So many of us have no idea what truly turns us on. I believe that it is incredibly important to figure this out in order to live as a woman in full.

The secret sauce to becoming a turned on woman – is inside each and everyone one of us. We just need some vitamin “P” (pleasure) to turn her on and energize her. Take the time to stoke your own fires – and I promise that you will smolder in a very delicious and sexy way all day long!

To this end – I am working with the Playing Ground – to develop programs are  “that devoted to awakening your passion and aliveness through the art of play and sensual rejuvenation. We are here to remind you what every child intuitively knows, but what too many adults have forgotten”.

To that end – I am running my first workshop with Playing Ground – all about learning how to find your own turned on woman!  Perhaps you’ve never really learned to tap into your own sexuality – or you want to ramp it up! Well, it’s time to learn how to turn yourself on! And that’s exactly what this program is designed to do.

This live workshop will introduce exercises and provide advice from our panel of sensuality experts including Tomas and Joan Heartfield, PhD.  Joan & Tomas are skilled in the art of teaching a woman to live a turned on life and will provide the answers to all of your juicy questions!

The four-session follow up teleclass is designed to help you take the Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman into action. Each week,  I will introduce a new ingredient to add to your sensual repertoire. Living a turned on life is a practice and this series is designed to support you in making sensual maintenance part of your daily life.

Each evening will wrap up with a Q&A session that will give you direct access to my coaching expertise.

This delicious series dedicated to turn on will give you the tools to begin to tap into the magical, mystical places in your body. It’s time to own our sensual power as women and stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure.

Come join us to heat up your fire and turn your light up high.

The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman – Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass

Register Here:

Event Information:
The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman – Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass
$149.00 | June 14, 2011 | Women Only

Tuesday, June 14th
7:00pm-9:30pm
Teleclass: Tuesday Evenings
June 21 | June 28 | July 12 | July 19
8:00pm-9:15pm
Discounted Combined Fee: $149
Also available as options below:
Workshop Only: $49
Teleclass Only: $125
This course is open to women only.

Address:
The Meta Center
214 West 29th Street, 16th floor
New York, NY
10001
Map and Directions

June 14, 2011

Start Time: 7:00 pm
End Time: 9:30 pm

I never got skinny – I simply left the plus sizes behind and became quite comfortable as a curvy size 14.  I actually like my round ass, full breasts and I can even see beauty in the softness of my belly.  I wear sexy clothes and flirt with the world – it took a long time to get me here – this place of self acceptance and internal sexy fire.  It’s what most of my readers and coaching students want.

And then I developed a tightness in my throat.  It scared me. I flew to the doctors after choking at dinner at a conference – and after an extensive work up found out that I had a type of reflux.  ICK.  What to do?  Well – apparently my kind of reflux was not cured by a purple pill. Oh no – if I wanted to get rid of this tight around my collar feeling – I was going to have to go on a diet!

He was kidding right? No – actually he wasn’t.  I had to give up some of the things that I love to eat – modify the quantities of things like coffee (one mug a day) and on top of THAT diet – I was going to need to size down again.

So here I sit – the author of a book that tells you how I ditched the diets…..and I did. Right now,  I am trying to look at dieting through a different lens.  Before dieting was about trying to look a certain way to feel better about myself. I found out that dieting didn’t do that for me. Being thinner didn’t make me sexier.  I was and am – sexy.  Instead diets always made me feel like I was less than.

I am on Weight Watchers on Line playing with points.  I am wondering if I can diet my way out of a tight throat. That would be a good use of a diet.

Feeling sexy? Accepting myself? Learning how to be a turned on woman? No diet can do that.

While I was on my book tour for Shameless, and I spent the weekend with a couple who has been in relationship for 17 years. We are sitting in the living room chatting about summer plans when my host Al, comes out with how he is looking forward to taking a motorcycle trip with his honey across the country. “I know the trip will be long, but I am going to have the pleasure of my beloved’s pelvis pressed against me for hours.” Ladies and Gentlemen that simple sentence made me swoon!

And this went on all day – on and off in small and subtle ways. This couple erotized each other and let each other know this as casually as I have been known to pick on my husband.

I started to think about the last time my husband walked in the door and I said something like “Look at the hot man that just walked in my door! Santa came early this year!”

As I tell my coaching clients - words are foreplay. I think that we all forget that. How we talk to each other during the day can affect how the rest of our sex lives go. What if our partners looked up from their newspapers while we are walking by to take out the garbage – and say something like “Look at the ass on that tomato – I want to give it a bite!”. What would that do to us? Personally, hearing my sweetie say something like that to me would make me feel sexy and desirable.
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Talking hot to each other is an art and it can be learned – and I think we should start to make it a habit. Talking hot is not saying to each other that you want to do a particular act to them – it is more subtle. It is gentler and smokier. When done right it should make the fire begin to burn just a little bit in your loins or bring color to your face.

It’s a tip for the new monogamy. How we are able to keep our sexuality alive – our relationships burning. It can really start with words. It can start with telling each other in small ways throughout the day that we think each other is hot and sexy. Make it a practice. Decide that today – and every day, at least two times a day – that you will use words to communicate the hotness of your relationship or marriage. See what changes it will bring.

I love all of that – and I have another thought too – to help you mix it up and get your fire going!  How about making a WISH – and celebrating all aspects of being a woman?

Let’s not just make it another day – Oh sure, you’ll have the usual to do list:

Make breakfast
Walk the dog
Fold laundry
Wash dishes
Wipe counters

But what about  you’re going to put something very, very important on the to do list.

Yourself!

I know it’s not always easy to prioritize yourself when you have so much
to do, but I have just the thing to help you make it happen!

For 40 days and 40 nights, you’re invited to make a commitment to you–to your health, well-being and to learning everything you possibly can from some of the most successful health and wellness leaders today. Now this series has already started – but you can still jack in and hear all of the past talks – and start listening now as they go live!

You’re invited to WISH: The Women’s International Summit for Health – and It’s a f.r.e.e. online event that started on March 8th. Tens of thousands of women from around the world will be coming together to put themselves on the agenda. And it’s on going! You are not too late!

Here are just some of the people who will be speaking as part of this event:

Byron Katie
Maya Angelou
Marianne Williamson
Arielle Ford
Carol Look
Mike Adams
John Robbins
Dr. Joel Fuhrman

oh…and me! Pamela Madsen! Fertility and Sexuality Educator and author of Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner!

You can check them all out here:

If there was ever an opportunity for you to tap into the wisdom of women and men who are living their best life, this event IS IT!

I guarantee you’ll be thanking me for having mentioned it to you, so sign up now!

Love,

Pamela

p.s.

An event like this is the perfect way to make your ideal life more than just wishful thinking!

Here is another hidden blog for you….from my private  Shameless archives.  I hope that you enjoy it….it is a scene from my marriage in the days of sorting it all out.

Love,

Pamela

Looking Into The Sea

I don’t know what to do with myself. I tell myself to focus to pay attention to my family. I don’t mean the obvious things. This week I went to the supermarket two times. I cooked dinners and I packed lunches as well as driving to the mall to get my youngest new clothes…made appointments for him to get his braces tightened, talked to his teacher about how very smart he was. Yes sir – he had the highest test grades – but he is still not handing in his homework.

I drove to NYC in the pouring rain because the oldest wanted me to buy him groceries as a part of his birthday present at “Trader Joes”….kind of a free for all of bagged pasta and endless bags of chips for his dorm. He used to want Ninja Turtles for his birthday and to go wild in Toys -R-Us. Now he wants groceries. My boy has grown up. Nineteen. He is nineteen. At that age I had met his Father – a year later I would be married. I am stunned briefly by the age of my kid and my youth at the time that I choose my husband.
I did the shopping with him, yet I didn’t want to have lunch with him. I knew that I couldn’t concentrate. How could THAT be? Time with my oldest son away at school and I was letting that go? Yes. I was. I had no patience.  And then there was Gavin who has been texting me about our sex life…yes….I said texting. I was driving home and up on my Treo comes this message.

“I am craving your body.” He writes. Okay. Good to know. He hasn’t touched my body in a sexual way in weeks. I text him back.

“So….take my body”

“Hmmmm” He writes, “guess that leaves all my fantasies waiting to be fulfilled.”

I feel impatience with the conversation. I know that I should be thrilled that he is reaching out….trying. It occurs to me that I am a mean bitch. What the hell is wrong with me? This poor guy is trying!!!

“Just a thought. Perhaps I am too focused on your fantasies and I am impatient in my ability to fulfill them.  No one can compete with fantasies and perhaps I should be more focused on fulfilling my own.”

Now we are talking! I want him to be greedy about his pleasure. I want to be used for that. I want him to just  take me…..but perhaps his fantasies have nothing to do with me? I can’t believe we are having this conversation through instant messaging.  Truly the modern couple.

“Yes – I would love you to focus on your fantasies and to share them with me. I would love it if you would just make love to  and stopped worrying my fantasies and how I fulfill them. Just be you and make love to me. That is all I need.”

“That is the central act of all my fantasies.” He writes….

“So?”

“Do you find it more difficult to get aroused from interactions that do not fulfill your fantasies?”
“No..sweetie…I do not. I love it when you make love with me. No one can do that as wonderfully as you. You always give me pleasure.”

This is not a lie. My husband knows how to give me pleasure.

“Do we need milk?” He writes. This conversation is over….

I was available on all the levels that a good Mother needs to be available. I was available as a Wife….on all levels….Yet I was at a new level of distraction from my family. I trying to get a grip of my own desire – and it is hard. There is too much shame wrapped around all of it for me.

I am reading this book written in 1899….”The Awakening” by Kate Chopin – it is about the sexual and personal awakening of a wife and mother in New Orleans during the turn of the 18th Century.

So many of her thoughts are mine. I recognize her distraction….her disinterest in her social norm responsibilities. I get it and this story takes place over a 100 years later - yet women are still on this journey. Why is that? Why do we have to go on this journey? Why aren’t we just as we are? Why aren’t we born awakened? Or are we…and then just put to sleep by a world of social norms and the “have to’s” of our world.

I am going through my days right now and my mind is wandering. It is like I am always looking far off into the distance. Perhaps even into the sea of another time in my life whether it be the past or the future. And I know that I need to be in the present. I fight to pull myself here.
I find myself lost in erotic fantasy….wondering if I should if I should start going to go to the “One Taste” meetings in NYC. I find myself thinking about going to a Tantra Workshop or retreat.

I need to concentrate. I need to focus – there is a husband here who is struggling to find me. There are kids here – although mostly grown….but there are kids here. There is my more than full time job.

And there is me.

There is tragedy at the end of “The Awakening”. Edna walks into the sea for she cannot live in her present. Her choice is not my choice. But I can see her walking into the ocean as she feels that there is no breath in her lungs that is hers and on the last page as she is sinking into the ocean she is thinking of her husband – of her children. “They are a part of her life. But they need not have thought that could possess her, body and soul.”

As does Linda the Agent. We are sitting in Linda’s office surrounded by all of the books that she represents. Maybe one day – mine will have a cover and be sitting on the shelves. But there is a long way to go from here to there. And Anne has that stern expression that she gets on her face when she wants me to “get” something.

“Pamela – people are going to want to know what it is that has allowed you to do what you did. You see – most people would have found your life pretty big and exciting as it was. You founded a national organization – and all of that”

Linda is nodding her head in agreement, ready to chime in. I count in my head “one, two, three” and then….

“I agree Anne. For most people what Pamela had in her life would have been exciting enough.”

Linda lobs to Anne – Anne picks up the ball. “Pam, most people would not go from ‘Oh! Ricky has had an experience with sensual massage – I am going to approach gay men on an internet hook up site and see what fun I can stir up!’”

Well – it wasn’t quite like that. I started with regular internet searches first.

It is almost like we are engaged in some kind of literary psychoanalysis. I have always been a person that decides to jump into something and then deal with the consequences later. Perhaps that is what has made me so incredibly resilient. Hell – my father was a jumper! He took all of us to Italy one summer when I was about seven years old and my mother tells me that he didn’t even have a job!

He was out there pitching – trying to create something – and he smelled something in Italy. We had a fabulous time. I was also a child of eviction – sometimes my father could not pull it all off. Sometimes he gambled and lost. And out of his loss – I had to create some kind of livable reality in a neighborhood that was not my own that was full of isolation. So at thirteen I put an ad in “Arabian Horse World Magazine” and got myself a job in Oceola, PA about seven hours from home.

Did I know what I was doing? Not a clue. But I did it and had an adventure in that was absolutely mixed, complicated, messy and full of fun and new experiences that not many 13 year old girls have today with their “helicopter mothers”, cell phones, email, and constant supervision from parents.

Look, there is a cost to everything. There are people who study something their entire lives, mapping everything out before taking a journey. Their trips may be calmer than mine, but the downside is that sometimes they never get to their journey. I am the other end of that spectrum. I get the idea – and tend to put action behind my impulses before the ink gets dry in my synapses. And sometimes I fall on my ass in a big loud and painful way. I always believe that whatever I am doing is all good. That I have it figured out – I may be aware what the downfalls are, and I try to prepare for them all. It’s just that when you are a sky dancer – sometimes you can fall through the clouds.

And yeah – sometimes I bleed. But there is an engine inside of me that just restarts. And I limp along a while until I am better and onto the next thing. Perhaps, I am my father’s daughter. But he dropped dead at 54 in an airport in Germany. I don’t want to pay that kind of price.

He died after a last phone call with my Mother from a pay phone at the airport. He was talking about us kids. First he talked about my older brother Mark, then Tracey and when get got to me he said “Pammy? That is the one that I never worry about. That one will be just fine.”

Maybe it was the baby weight – or my life obligations, or monogamy. I didn’t know – but I had stopped looking in the mirror and I didn’t see myself reflected back in the eyes of men anymore. I felt like nobody saw me as a sexual being anymore – and I think that perhaps that is because I stopped seeing myself as a sexual being. The fact is that I was not unattractive. I was perhaps a little too plump by societies standards, but I was not un-kempt or unattractive. But I had lost the swing to my hips.

The good news? I got it back – in spades in my forties and even wrote a book about it! And now at fifty, I am now owning my sexuality in ways that I don’t think that I had a clue about in my 20′s and 30′s. For me – my forties were a time of reawakening and reclaiming my sexually discarded self. And you can do it too, even if you think it is not possible. There are lots of ways to get your sexual mojo back and reclaim your sexuality. I don’t mean to sound like a twisted soccer mom here – but I believe that your pleasure is not only important – but it is a vital life force that deserves to be nutured. And the reclaiming of your sexual pleasure will not only bring joy back to your life – but to those around you! You know that old saying – “If mama isn’t happy – nobody is happy!”

So – take a few steps to help reclaim your sexuality from the trash bin!

1. Make time for pleasure. If you don’t put the oxygen mask over your face first – you can’t help others. So make time for yourself. Put yourself at the top of the totem pole. It’s not selfish – it is necessary.

2. Reach for some help! There are some fabulous products on the market that can give your sexuality a reboot! I love Zestra for women! It’s an arousal gel. And there have been times when it has really helped me shake things up at home.

3. Be compassionate to yourself. Know that you are not alone. Other people are searching for answers too. Talk to your friends. What are they doing to help themselves recharge their batteries? You might be surprised if you open up the conversation! Sharing tips with friends will make you laugh and open your eyes to new possibilities.

4. Create intimacy with yourself. What can you do to remove the barriers to pleasure in your life? I think that learning to see ourselves with new eyes can change how the world sees us.

I believe that our sexuality is self renewing with no expiration dates. You can recharge, reboot and recycle! It’s there – waiting for you.

The point of my blog was to create an invitation to the reader to explore something that is perhaps a new idea for some people in their sexing – either with a partner or by themselves – and that is to try on slowing down. Many men and women have a varying levels of performance anxiety around their orgasms and the orgasm of their partner. Some of us feel that if we don’t achieve orgasm in each and every sexual encounter that we have something wrong with us. This can create a very unsexy- sexual anxiety, which of course, is not going to bring anyone pleasure.

“Orgasm Anxiety” increases our stress, adds to worry – and can take us out of our bodies and into our heads – which of course will make climaxing more difficult and less enjoyable. According to my friends over at The Pleasure Mechanics , “Anxiety about orgasm is a leading cause of erectile issues in men – the ability to relax and focus on sensation is essential for both male and female arousal.” I couldn’t have said it better myself!

When I talk about “Organic Orgasms” or even dip my big toe into the world of “Slow Sex” what I am inviting us to do is to simply enjoy the pleasure of touch and sexual intimacy. How playful can you be with yourself, and with your partner? What sensations have you explored lately? There are so many different types of sensations that can happen for us during sexual arousal and through the very human experience of sexual intimacy – whether we are using sex toys, vibrators, arousal gels, fingers, mouths, or our genitals.

No one is suggesting that we give up orgasm! Instead – I am creating the invitation to savor it all. And if can let go of the anxiety of goal oriented pleasure – what we may find is that our climaxes (orgasms) may become even more amazing, delicious, and earth shattering than ever before!

When it comes to sexuality – there are few rules outside of safe, sane and consensual. For me – it’s about simply being Shameless.

Who is that woman on her knees on Hank’s table – naked except for black slightly worn thigh high stockings. Was that me? A hedonistic Goddess enjoying all the places that my arousal was taking me. I was dancing and swaying like a spirit had possessed my body as feather paddle was making itself known on my skin. Hank was playing with all manner of sensation toys and I was dancing with all of the different flavors that each played on my skin. I was dancing with Hank – but mostly I was dancing with the spirit that was alive inside of my body. This great big erotic energy that was flying through my soul and swirling around around my heart.

The music was a part of my arousal. I love the music that Hank plays for me. It is rich and tribal. The music calls forth this wild creature inside of myself. I was for a brief time without self judgment. I love that.

Before I climbed onto the table to begin my tribal sex dance – I was bent over the massage table. I love that place. I felt my leg wrap around Hanks’ body as he began to touch to me. I loved my session with Hank. They were safe – full of boundaries. I was really able to let myself go – and I did.

I was lost in the moment. I only half noticed my leg reaching back and wrapping around his. What was I doing? I never touch back! I felt myself reach back for him – and his breath on my neck. I wanted to drop to my knees and kiss his body. I wanted to start at his feet and work my way up. “Down Girl”….I told myself. This is Hank. You do not kiss Hank full on the mouth. You do not sexually engage with Hank. This is about you – not Hank.

But I wanted to. That was when I climbed on the table. I needed to go deeper inside myself…I needed to feel the dance with Hank – but I needed to go deeper into my own experience. And I did for awhile. I went to this amazing place where I was an African Princess dancing to the sensations that were vibrating in and around my body. With my eyes closed only the colors of the universe greeted me.

Oh – I felt the hands on my body – the sensation toys playing on my skin. And then Hank was in front of me. My body rose and then fell to a place of prostration as he held tightly onto my breasts. My breath was deep – and the wild, wantonness was back again. God I was loving this place – and celebrating my ease in being in it. It was like breathing in and out. It was that natural to me.

Hank’s fuzzy arms were teasing me. His hands pulling my hair. I wanted him to pull it harder. Perhaps I was an animal not a hedonistic Goddess or African Princess. I wanted to growl and shake my hair harder. I wanted to shake my hips. God! It felt so good to feel my erotic energy again! I rubbed my face into Hank’s body. I am allowed to do that. I found myself nuzzled into his arm pits, and I could smell his scent – and I started to nibble. Okay – maybe I started to bite Hank’s belly. Was that really me?

“I’m sorry!” I blurted out.

“For what?”

“For Biting your belly.”

“No you’re not! No you’re not! You are not sorry for biting my belly!!!” Hank laughed back at me. And started to playfully punish me with hand spanks on my ass. We were laughing – and I got over my embarrassment of falling over a boundary.

“You are right – I said. I am not sorry! Not in the least!”

And I went from the wild wanton creature to playful kitten. I wanted a pillow fight – and Hank grabbed the pillows. We went at it – me on the table bashing at Hank’s body – and him giving it to me double.

I was breathless, full of giggles and back in Hank’s arms until it was time to go. In NYC it was a very rainy gray day. Inside Hank’s apartment there was light. And I got to touch for a little while, that beautiful energy inside myself that stitches the rest of me together.

I still want to bite Hank’s belly.

Dear Readers:
I am getting lots of requests for me “Hank Stories” so here is another private entry from my secret journals! Enjoy getting to know “Hank”! This journal was written in 2009.
Shameless Hugs,
Pamela

Gavin said go take your walk and then we will spend the rest of the day together, and then he told me that he was taking the next day off too.

There was the initial feeling of joy and then panic. What would we do together? We are so used to being passing ships…or docked ships. Do we know how to be ships that are actively in port together anymore?

I decided to do something that I rarely do in my marriage, on a mid week morning. I just got naked. I did what I often have trouble doing in my own marriage – and talk to people about doing in their own lives all the time. I reached for sex. I actually did more than that, I asked for sex!

I asked for sex that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted, but I asked any way. I didn’t give my husband a script. I didn’t tell him what turned me on. I just asked him to make love with me.

Gavin said – “You will be late for your walk.”

I said, “No I won’t”

He looked at my nakedness and he came over and ran his hands over my unadorned body. “You know – your body is changing. I see you everyday so I don’t always notice, but you feel so different to my hands….your waist…oh….your ass..” He was positively purring. Well – this was a good start.

“There is a naked woman in my living room” He laughed. I left his arms and walked over to the bed.

“There is a naked woman in your bed…..”

Gavin climbed in after me and simply enjoyed touching my body. The man has good hands.

I wanted to do something a little different. I didn’t know what – just something….in retrospect just having sex in the middle of the morning on a weekday was a little bit different!!!

I climbed into his lap and just started to “run energy” with him. Running energy is breathing into each other bellies, and feeling your pelvis’s connect. It is very “Tantra”. My husband is not very Tantra!

He was very unsure. We had to adjusted our bodies. I tried to do what I have often done in workshops with my husband – I tried to focus on root chakra energy and breath. I could feel him becoming aroused. Well, I guess his his root chakra was awake….I was feeling encouraged.

I laid back in the bed, And left my legs and bottom just where they were in his lap. I was completely relaxed…soft. He had complete access to my body….and he took advantage of that….

You know – My husband is fine lover after 29 years or so…the fact that we can even get a buzz on from each other is something worth celebrating! I am not going into the details, but with my husband – I simply don’t worry “taking too long” or anything else. One of the joy of marriage is there is no self consciousness with him at all – there is just pleasure.

I return to consciousness, and began to love his body. This was not a day for rushing and I took my time with his pleasure. I think a lot about married monogamous long term sex. I was even thinking about it a little bit until his sounds of pleasure turned into softer breath, and a peaceful holding.

Was our love making this hot, frenzied place of passion? Well – No. But it was lovely….

I don’t know how long it has been in the space between our love making. Sometimes, life gets in the way of finding time for each other in this way. But perhaps the space doesn’t matter I don’t know. Perhaps what matters is that we can still come together, when we do come together and find pleasure with each other.

Our love making feeds me in the way that it feeds me. When we join together it is solid, without frills and deeply satisfying…

I had long ago stopped trying to create it into being something that it is not. I seem to only get into trouble when I want my marriage bed to something different than it is – when my expectations of my husband out strip where he wants to go….

But if I simply present myself – offer my body in a very simple way – this man reaches for me….and loves me so beautifully.

It is home made sex. Simple, satisfying and after almost three decades often without frills…but the kind of meal that you don’t have to worry about. You know if you bother to cook it….it will be just what you need. It will be enough.

Later that day – with the sun shining….Mr and Mrs took a walk in our neighborhood. We haven’t done this in a very long time. We held hands the way that we have held hands since I was seventeen years old. It is all so familiar and it is all so home grown. It is a big piece of who I still am….this man….our family…..our little home. Gavin doesn’t hold all the parts of me. But he does love, hold and know my heart like no one else.

Authors Note: This writing is from my private journals – and was written months ago. I hope you enjoyed it. It’s Valentines Day and I am on the road without my honey – I was missing “Home Grown Sex”!

I always have this feeling of going home when I see Hank. Hank’s black chairs, his Fulton, and his massage table is one of the places where I started – and where I have stayed. With Hank there has been no moving on. He still can hold space for me. I feel a kind of comfort in his arms that is hard for me to place. When he tells me that he is proud of me – it makes me happy in a very silly school girl kind of way. It makes me want to bring him a shiny red apple – and erase the boards for him.

There was a time that I went to see Hank every week. I don’t go as often – yet he remains as important to me as ever. So – when I walk in these days – I want to hold him so close that I could climb into his shorts. Going to Hank always brings me back to me. If I had a bottomless wallet – right now I think I would go every day. Some how – in the midst of all of this goodness – I am finding myself at lose ends. And I am oh – a bit needy.

We sat as we do – and talked. I needed to talk about my desire to be calm in this moment of calmness – and not go into a place of anxiety because that is what I am the most used to doing. And I could see myself going to that place of worry like a thirsty horse finding it’s stall. Yet right now – life was pretty damn good. The book was gone. Off to the land of galleys. Gavin and I were good and the kids were good So what was up with me? Why did I feel this awful feeling of impending doom? Perhaps it is the quiet that I am not used to more than anything. The time to cook again for my family. To fuss over greens and stir fries – to make almost from scratch cookies. The time even to take walks. I am settling down into that place again. It is an unwiring. In a way – I need to deprogram.

And so we sat there – Hank and me. I talked and he listened, counseled, and smiled at me like he does. And I realized, not for the first time – that I was sick of his damn undershirt. For three years, I have put my naked chest next to all manners of wife beater tee-shirts and polo shirts. And I just want to feel my flesh against his. I had felt like I had earned it.

And out of some place deep – some place unplanned – some place that was tired of an old boundary that just wasn’t needed anymore – I asked him if he would be willing to take off his shirt. He looked at me and I thought I would cry. It is so hard still so hard to speak desire – even with the man that taught me to speak it. I don’t remember the conversation, but he said that he would. Perhaps he would especially because it was so hard for me to ask. Perhaps he would out of his own recognition of my hard earned ability to stay with being uncomfortable – and not running away. I am not sure exactly – but that is my memory through the blood coursing through my veins and my heart beating too fast in my own request.
We moved to the table – it was time to get me out of my head and into my body. It was a relief to get naked. I remember when it was so hard. So much is new in my life. And Hank did what Hank has never done with me – Hank took his shirt off.

This is a blog that was never turned into a chapter for my memoir – but since we are friends – I thought I would share it with you! Aren’t you lucky?

My last session with Hank was a turning point for me. I have become clearer and clearer about how I need intimacy and connection in Sacred Intimacy. And that piece of this work, is perhaps for me, right now ‑ the largest piece. I am a human being under construction. Once upon a time, it was simply touch that my body needed. And the introduction of touch to my body – the ability to learn how to receive touch….how to surrender to “one way touch” was huge for me.

That was so big, that I didn’t necessarily even notice anything else. The need for touch, the joy in the experience was so overwhelming for me. Learning about breath, learning about my capacity for sensual pleasure, understanding my body and what makes me tick was so big.

Understanding and making peace with what turns me on, and how to ask for it became a part of the process of my healing. It became so  interesting to me, how my needs as a sexual and emotional being can shift and turn on a dime. But maybe it is not on a dime at all, maybe it is a part of my evolution and becoming as a complete and whole sexual being.

I spent two hours in Hank’s arms yesterday. We both had our clothes on, and we laid down on some futon pillows that he had in his studio. There were pillows and we shifted our holding or  hugging  position several times.

It was interesting how the different positions brought out different feelings. I don’t think that I have been held like that since I was a baby. I highly recommend it.  There I was having two hours of conscious holding. This was not the kind of holding that I do with my husband in bed while we sleep. This was wide awake and not a prelude to anything necessarily.

I love just feeling Hank’s arms around me, the gentle touching that being so close to each other provided – feeling our breath and the physical feeling of safety and love that this sustained holding provided for me make me open like a flower.

I have always been good at accessing my feelings, but this – being held by arms and feeling Hank’s body pressed against mine fully clothed – provided a place for all me to come forth and be seen.

At first all my body wanted to do was cry. And then I talked about so many things! My relationship with my father, my husband, and even my relationship with “one way touch”.  I even talked about my relationships with all of my practitioners. How they are all so different.and wonderful even if they are sometimes difficult. Yet they all serve me in some very profound way – and by having all of these practitioners in my life they have opened me  up  to face my desires for things that do not exist in my life.

All while Hank was holding me, I talked a blue streak, and cried an ocean of tears.  I remember Hank saying certain things to me like “Just let go…I’ve got you”….and how it felt that he was totally there for me and I didn’t have to worry about falling. I knew that he had me tightly and wouldn’t let anything happen in that moment to me.

I felt protected and safe in my own vulnerability and the relief that those simple words “I’ve got you” and those strong arms gave me was simply immeasurable. It’s really too bad that almost all traditional psychotherapy is done in chairs. This technique of holding and talking…is so much more profound than sitting in chairs. It opens up the body, so that the soul can talk.

She threw her arms around my waist in her pure joy and we walked from Hank’s studio over to a nearby bar – as if we have known each other our whole lives. In a sense we were sisters – we had experienced something that not many woman have had the opportunity to experience. Yet.

She was full of giggles. “Oh My God! Pamela!! OMG! I want more! And more! And more! And more!” Ah huh. Ya think? We are so hungry for this – and then over the perfect dirty martini – she said the real truth – the truth of my book – the truth of what it is really all about for women today of a certain age – or perhaps any age.

With her eyes literally as big as saucers she said “He asked me about my desires! It stopped me dead – Pamela.  MY desires? Really? No one had ever asked me about my desires! About what I want. OMG. I didn’t know what to say! I wasn’t even sure that I knew what they were! But I knew I had them – and I wanted to explore them. I don’t think I can stop now – Oh Pamela – I don’t want to stop. I think I have come alive again.”

Shameless.

I think that is why I love the women who are bringing Zestra to market so much, Mary Wallace Jaensch and Rachel Braun Scherl. These women have had to fight their way through a mountain of people saying “No” to let women know about a simple, topical, organic arousal gel. You see – female arousal made the marketers nervous….you mean women could actual reach for their own pleasure? What might happen if the news of that came out? You mean it is possible for women to increase their sexual pleasure? Will they still get home in time to cook dinner?

You can see why Zestra was the perfect choice to be the Shameless Book Tour Sponsor! Now – what is Zestra you might ask? In case you haven’t heard, it’s an all-natural female arousal enhancer that you can buy over the counter and according to this “researcher,” it works.

But like you  – I didn’t know about Zestra for a long time – which isn’t easy given that I am not shy.  I will walk into any drug store, sex shop and workshop that even hints at bringing out my inner ‘sex goddess.’ I will talk about it with anyone who’ll listen to me about how sexual pleasure can make you a nicer person and even heal lifelong issues. As someone recently put it, I’m “the living embodiment of the power of pleasure to transform one’s life.”

I’ve become so comfortable and playful with my healthy sexual side, my son rolls his eyes at my constant double entendres.  “Is everything a sex joke with you, Mom?”

Not everything. In fact, I take it very seriously. I do write about sexuality pretty much every day. I even chronicled my path to uncorking my sexual desire in my about to be published memoir, “Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner” .   And I hope that you are going to want to read all about my funny, crazy, sexy out of the box journey.

So how could I not know about Zestra, something this YAHOO? It’s simple. It’s what I started to talk about earlier in this post.  It’s not that I am paranoid – but folks – there’s a conspiracy to keep a lid on women’s sexual arousal and the truth about the ‘va-jayjay.” I would use the anatomically correct “vagina” but there’s ample evidence that that’s a big no-no too. Let me explain.

But it could. That got me excited. Semprae Laboratories, the little pharma that I let into my panties, found the right blend of botanical oils that made me lie down and take notice. I blogged it all. Even though I never believed in drug-enhanced pleasure, I was wiling to make the Zestra exception.

I used my second packet to see if I could get that Zestra “rush” when it was just me and my vibrator. Oh yeah, baby. There were sensations that even intrepid me didn’t know were possible.

Of course, being a well-mannered midlife sex goddess, I wanted to write a thank you note and post it on Zestra’s FaceBook page (yes, I friended them). That’s when I found out about the “controversy.”

It seems that female arousal and anatomy is just too icky for major and even minor media to take perfectly good money for Zestra ads. Aren’t we in a downturn? Why would anyone say no to ad revenue for something that actually puts a smile on people’s faces without weight gain?

Oh, here comes that scary vagina again. We don’t want that to get too excited. Who knows what might happen? In fact, CBSnews.com recently censored an article by Lissa Rankin, MD, a renowned Bay Area Ob-Gyn and author of What’s Up Down There when she wrote a piece called “15 Curious Things You May Not Know About The Vagina.” Apparently the 16th curious thing is that the vagina musn’t have too much face time. The article was taken down within an hour.

The irony, of course, was that she was invited to write about the vagina after CBSnews.com had a blockbuster piece called “SPERM: 15 Crazy Things You Should Know.” That’s still up. Maybe with a little help from the little blue pill.

So what does this say to women? Not much that’s useful and a lot that’s confusing. We’re jammed with messages that exhort us to be sexy but discourage us from being comfortable with our bodies. Heck, most of us can’t even name our parts. How can we wake up to the power of pleasure when we’re intentionally kept in the dark? This shouldn’t have to be so hard.

So – I am taking Zestra with me on my 24 City  Shameless Book Tour – Of course I am.  How could I not? If the big ad networks are frightened to let you know about something that might increase your pleasure – well – I’m not. In fact if you come out to one of my readings, seminars or workshops – I will personally hand you a Zestra Sample!Or if you don’t want to wait that long – jack into their website site – and you can get a SHAMELESS Discount in honor of the publication of my memoir! How is that for us women sticking together? Simply click on the Zestra Banner on my blog and put in the code featured there! You will get $5.00 bucks the 12 pack.

There is a double standard when it comes to women and pleasure. How about you join the fight to stop the double-standard in advertising? Madison Avenue has been using the vagina as a unspoken marketing tool for generations. How about they finally learn to say the name and, to quote Bob Dylan, “Get out of the road if you can’t lend a hand.”

I am out there swinging for the woman that wants to have a professional life, and still have a family.  And What if being a successful lawyer didn’t mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under your business suit – and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work?  I think that if women allowed themselves to truly embrace all that is possible – they would really have so much more!

Isn’t this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now – and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn’t have to choose? That everything could happen in it’s own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Could we actually be mothers, madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time?  Perhaps the bigger question is will society know how to wrap their arms around us wants woman truly embrace all of their possibilities.

I am still fascinated with that damn study where scientists  hooked up women to machines to look at their sexual response – and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman’s mind did not.  What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibley broken in that – and I want to help fix it.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman’s sexuality is still used to punish her. And even today – it is in so many ways. Well – I am coming out. I know that there will be stones – that my sexuality will make a lot of people uncomfortable – but there is always one penguin that jumps in the water to let the other penguins know that it is safe to swim.  Watch me jump! And I hope that I inspire you to take a look at your own life.

Look – times are changing! It is safer than it used to be for women  to live fully integrated lives – after all – I could never have found such a prestigious publisher such as Rodale Press to take on my memoir Shameless in another time. A publisher would have been too frightened to break open that particular egg.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. And when you are a woman about to come out in a big way – it is good to know this.  I hope that you will read my memoir Shameless.  I hope to make you laugh – inspire you to take a look at your own life – and see that anything is possible for a woman today if she decides to take the time for give it to herself.  I am looking forward to talking to you about my story – and hearing yours. On January 18th – the conversation will truly open across this country about women and sexuality. We will be talking about a lot of possibilities that no one really brought to the public stage before in a real way.  I am coming out. I am terrified. But I truly believe that we can  live in full color and have integrated lives.

Nothing is stopping us but a little bit of fear – and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.  Dare!

What kind of problems? Well how about low libido, depression, anxiety anger, sadness and all kinds of self abuse in the form of overeating and abuse of other substances as we try to feed something we can’t name inside of us. I don’t think that any of this can truly be cured in the form of a pink pill for women. It’s so much deeper for us. For us – Desire is the Female Orgasm – and we have to return to a place in our selves first where we can learn to receive pleasure. Once we can decide that we are worthy of that first step – miracles can happen. 

It was there that I first heard the term “The Pink Ghetto”. I remember listening to a woman who called herself Lux Nightmare read from her writings about working in the Pink Ghetto and how she could not use her real name in her writings even though she was a sex educator by day.

I listened to and heard for the first time the wonderful Susie Bright. There was this entire world out there in the Pink Ghetto that I knew nothing about and I found sisters and brothers there in many ways – especially in the struggle for identity and acceptance. For many people who write about sex, and for many sex educators -  there is fear that by speaking out and being identified that they will lose the rest of their lives such as their traditional employment. It is a very real fear – and I know all about it.

Before I decided to take the plunge and tell my story through the pages of Shameless - I sat there and watched these women who were for the most part living their lives courageously and out loud. I felt a jealousy….about how wonderful it must be to be able to stand up and be photographed as a whole person. To be able to read your writings out loud to a group and not to be hiding completely behind a stage name.

To be able to – as many of these people were – working publicly and yet privately in the Pink Ghetto. It made my blood flow and it helped show me the possibilities of my life – the potential of me. Listening to them, it fed my desire to continue to move forward and create my life…and hope for safety.

And here is another cool thing – so many of the bloggers were “real” people. What I mean by that is – there was not an abundance of over exercised bodies, boob jobs, or plastic faces. In fact, those kinds of people were visibly absent. This group of sex positive activists ran across all age lines – all sex preferences – all racial lines and all body weight ranges. They were quite the every day looking NYC kind of people. And yet – here they were – out in the open embracing their lives – their sexuality….and not waiting until some day when they had the perfect whatever to have a life. They were creating and re creating themselves now…..as is!!!! And that gave me courage too! I could show up just the way I was.

I was mesmerized by Rachel Kramer Bussel who looked like a young college kid with long unselfconscious hair, glasses and a simple frock – read to us from one of her then newest pieces of erotica. It was so surreal as she was not some overdone bimbo. Rachel was this real woman – writing and talking about real sex……or imaged real sex! And the funny thing was that I had just bought a book edited by her the day before called “He’s on Top”! I had never really heard of her before….such a newbie!

It’s hard to believe that this event took place four years ago – maybe five. It’s hard to remember exactly – but that night changed my life. That event created an opening in my life – because these women had courage. And they passed that courage onto me simply by showing up and being who they were – out loud and without shame.

That was the night that I decided that I was not hiding anymore. That was the night that I decided that I was going to tell my story too – and on January 18th 2011 – everyone will be able to read my story. For better or for worse – I am stepping into and out of the Pink Ghetto. I am going to be a whole person – all the time – who refuses to hide. I will not be shamed any longer for being  a sexual being. And I am hoping that by sharing my story with you – that I will pass this gift of courage on. No one should have to live in shame simply for being human.

It’s hard to believe that on Feb 1st 2011 – I will be reading from the pages of Shameless with Rachel at Coco de Mer in LA, California.  It’s amazing what the actions of one can do for another.

Apparently – these were panties that my mother  gave to my father on his 40th birthday. It was quite provocative in my mother’s day to give lingerie in front of guests – but my mother is nothing if not provocative. And she did it again – only this time – the very same panties were presented to me -forty four years later on my 50th birthday! And once again – my mother stunned the party goers into silence. It was not the fact that my mother was giving me a sexy, red pantie – it was the fact that it was hers…..What mother does that? Who does that?

No one knew really what to think….there was a lot of embarrassed laughter and strained jokes flying around the room – but later when I was alone with her card – and the red panties – I was really able to understand what my mother was giving me. It was a gift that most women never receive from their mothers.  My 84 years old mother was telling me to go for it.

She was telling me that she supported me in being a sexual being and living out loud.  And she was she  telling me that she was once sexual too – and shameless. And for a time – after my father’s death that she had put those red panties in a drawer – something so important to her that she kept them all of these years later.

In her card to me – she said that she was passing the Olympic torch to me – red and flaming. And that she wanted me to wear them proudly and with joy.  Think about that for a minute. How many mother’s give their daughters such a gift.

Pamela’s Events, Reading, and Seminars

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I keep the Being Shameless  fan page updated everyday with links to my events – book readings – blogs – and shameless fun and sexy happenings that I think you should know about. A lot of that is here too – but I am a Facebook junkie – so if you are on Facebook – please take a minute and visit my Being Shameless Fan Page and “Like” me.   I feel like Sally Fields!

Currently there are three events on the events link page – wonderful fun and sexy events where I will be celebrating the launch of my new memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner.

There is nothing like hearing an author read from their own book to make things come alive! Come hear about my experiences shedding my inhibitions and perhaps  stock up for your own adventures.  It’s a story about the journey to sexual empowerment through a path that is almost never talked about….

So take a minute and visit Being Shameless on Facebook!  And RSVP YES – to one of my upcoming events!!!

Shamelessly yours!

Pamela

Literally surrendering on the massage table and allowing my body to open to pleasure and sensation.  Feeling hands on my body reminds me that I am beautiful and full of pleasure.  The dance between the massage therapist and my body – hand on skin – draws all of my attention inside to the feelings of sensation and magically takes away my chronic “monkey brain” that is always worrying about the next thing that I have to do.

I was feeling pretty burned out – it’s fabulous, fun, and exciting to launch “Shameless” into the world – and I have been on a marathon – until January 18th – the publication date – I am also still working full time in fertility (something that will always be a part of me) so that means that every waking hour is devoted to something! A dear friend and mentor spoke to me and said “Pamela – this is not the time to forget what changed your life! You need touch! Get thee to a massage table – and out of that bag of pretzels!” Oh – I did what everyone does – I whined about not having the time or the money – but reached out anyway to the people in my life that support me. And after a few starts and stops – the beautiful and incredible massage therapist  John Ellsworth created time for me to climb on his table.

It’s about receiving – and knowing that the person who is giving is also receiving – and there is nothing to do but be in my own body – feel my own breath – and move into his hands.  The other day I wrote about this study on my Shameless Woman blog over at  Psychology Today that I heard on  The Today Show during their hour long special on sex. The study that was cited was all about how over 80% of all women and over 70% of all men want to be tied up.  This does not surprise me.  They want to be “forced” to receive – “forced” to surrender to pleasure because so many people feel that they always have to give back – always have to “do” in some way – and knowing how to simply receive pleasure is something that is so completely foreign to us – that we want the ropes to enforce the boundary on reminding us to simply receive.  Of course – ropes can feel sexy too! And having the rope on our skin may be it’s own turn -on.  I am just talking about a deeper place of meaning in this blog that the ropes can represent for people.

As for me – I don’t need ropes anymore to encourage me to receive touch.  I just need a gentle or not so gentle reminder from my friends that I too need to create the time just to receive – and for me the massage table is just the thing.  For 90 minutes I went away – and when I came back – John pointed me in the direction of a wonderful little bar to get a hamburger and a martini. A real treat for me.  I walked around the corner – how I got there I am really not sure as I was still a bit punch drunk from all that fabulous touch – and sat down at a table for one.

It was good to be alone. I am sure that I was a sight! With a brand new hair do created by  massage oil and John’s hands – and my slightly glazed over eyes – I was thankful that they seated me! I order my martini as I watched plates of salad go by. No – I wasn’t going to have salad. I ordered a hamburger with french fries. Something that I would never do – it’s a big scandalous for a chubby girl to eat so freely – especially in public. But I did.  I sipped – I day dreamed and I ate that hamburger – bun and all – down to the last crumb.

I sang all the way home my own little mantra – thank you – thank you – thank you!!! Ah the healing power of pleasure – I really need to harness it a bit more often!

Hinges allow for coming and going. Hinges allow for flexibility and possibility. Hinges allow for a world that is not full of walls and boundaries – yet hinges also speak of rules and a kind of permanence.  A door cannot stay up without hinges. Hinges allow for groundedness, yet hinges also allow for a change of position, without giving up the past or closing a door on the future….

At the moment, I am embracing hinges. There are so many places in my life where I would like to add hinges instead of boundaries and absolutes and feel the door swing gently…opening…closing…..and sometimes…resting some place in the middle.

Are there places in your life where you would like to insert hinge? Wanna share?

I find it especially difficult hearing about the evictions that are happening day after day across our country. It is different for me. I know what those families are going through. I recognize those lost, frightened eyes. I lived through two evictions when I was about thirteen years old. We lived in what might have seemed like affluence – what would today be a multimillion dollar home in Great Neck, Long Island.

But there was very little food in the house. The phone rang daily with creditors looking for money. I remember my mother selling off her beloved Baby Grand Piano to buy groceries. I remember her giving all of her jewelry to her brother in return for cash. I remember the Sheriff’s car and the moving trunks. I remember all of our belongings being pulled onto the front lawn while movers packed things up into boxes and loaded them up into the vans. I remember my confusion, my embarrassment, the burning shame.

There was this feeling of not being sure of how to behave. No one tells a thirteen year old how to behave during an eviction. I remember doing cart wheels on our front lawn and trying to stay out of the way. I knew that what was happening was very bad – and that in some way – we had all failed. That my mother and father were in a place where they were out of control – that they couldn’t really protect me. I think that was the first time that I felt really vulnerable in my life. While I was a resilient kid – I think that it was then that I knew that I would have to really learn how to take care of myself. That parents couldn’t always protect you.

I remember moving into the apartment that we lived in for about four months until we were going to be evicted from that. We actually left that one before the Sheriff came with the trucks. But I clearly remember coming home from school and seeing the eviction notice nailed to the door. They really do that. I cannot describe that feeling of knowing that soon you will have no place to live…again.

I remember my Aunt Evelyn and Uncle Irwin bringing food. I remember this really skinny chicken and lots of rice and butter. The memory of putting whole sticks of butter in the hot steaming rice – and being glad that no one cared what I ate anymore. My weight a constant source of struggle between my mother and myself, was not the over riding concern. I think that they were just happy that I was content in the moment. Why I remember those big bowls of rice – I do not know. But they are vivid in my memory of that time – perhaps it was that I was allowed to eat unfettered. That no one cared and there was a secret joy in that. That I could comfort myself with the food. I remember that the apartment was near “Town” and that I could walk to Leeds Drug Store and buy candy. I would buy it and hide it. I would eat it alone in my room. It was the beginning of my struggle with food that would follow me the rest of my life.

We moved from there to Flushing, Queens. We lived in a two family house above Greek landlords who cooked whole lambs on spits in their back yard. It was “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”…only we were never invited. I could just watch them and smell the parties. It created longing in me for friends and community. I was in isolation.

My brother and sister were away. They were so much older than I was – the gap much more pronounced then. My brother Mark was in law school and my sister was at the University of Michigan. I was alone a great deal with my mother who spent her time pacing, grieving for what was lost, trying to make sense of what had happened and trying to get work. She never wanted to be left alone. I was her baby sitter. I remember not fitting in at the inner city school – and being put on “home bound” education with the excuse that I needed my tonsils out. I am not sure how all of it was arranged – but I stayed home and was tutored. I remember wandering the streets – I was so displaced – taken out of my environment – away from my friends. I found an animal shelter – and I began spending my days there – taking care of the animals. It was the first time that I created my own community out of nothing. Only months before, I had a pony – and I could no longer see him either. His name was Jay-Jay. I loved that pony and it was really hard losing all of those friends and my beloved horse.

I asked my mother if I could have $21.00 and I put an ad in Arabian Horse World Magazine looking for a job to work at a horse farm that summer. I was now fourteen. I remember lying and saying that I was fifteen. After all fifteen sounded so much older than fourteen. I landed a job in upstate Pennsylvania for five dollars a week plus room and board. I needed to get away from Flushing, my frantic mother, my absent father who was somewhere in Asia trying to fix our lives.

I remember not being frightened at all. Being able to create what I needed – and living on farm eggs and Kraft macaroni and cheese. That is what the woman that I worked for fed me every day. I was happy mucking out stalls, feeding the chickens, taking care of her cows – and I got to ride horses every day.

When I got home after the long summer on the farm – we had moved back into a house in Great Neck. Apparently affluence had returned. I finished high school back in Great Neck, met my future husband at mixer at The United States Merchant Marine Academy where he was a midshipman, and went off to Sarah Lawrence College until my father passed away suddenly in an airport in Germany on a business trip from a massive heart attack when I was nineteen.

Living through that time of eviction forever changed me. I no longer believed in anyone else’s ability to take care of me. I knew that what life seemed – may not be what it is. That life was full of floors that may not be sturdy. I had learned that parents cannot always protect you. I learned that shame was something that only existed if you allowed it to. And I learned in the power of Pamela. That I could survive – and make my own happiness. I learned that I could take care of myself.

I look at the faces of the families that are facing evictions. I wonder what lessons those kids are learning. I wonder how they will react to the realities that I faced as a budding young woman. And how these lessons, and their reactions will contribute to who they will become.

So what does this have to do with you? What does this have to do with my book – or my mission to support people to live a shameless life? Well, this blog is about whatever life throws at you – my belief in your ability to survive it.

When I was a young girl I learned that life can throw incredible curve balls at you. I learned that people may tell you that there are no options – no money – no resources – and no hope. But I also learned an incredibly valuable lesson in the darkest of times in a young girls life – and it is a lesson that frankly Obama used as his slogan to be elected it is “Yes we can”. If we want something badly enough – we find a way.

Right now, I am remembering a young thirteen year old girl who created her own happiness and had her first experience in letting go of shame.

Do you ever going around in circles or patterns of behavior? What is up with that? My life is full of so many new and exciting people, opportunities – and new experiences! And yet even as I watch myself touch all of these new places – I am also  observing myself going back to some not so pretty places that I thought that I have moved away from.  Do you ever do that?

I often do not see myself actually moving into these darker place – sometimes they just kind of happen! But I do recognize the feelings that occur in my body as I arrive into these old places again.  I notice the feelings of dis-satisfaction – the wanting – the needing of the affirmation of the other. Why isn’t this person loving? Why doesn’t that person ever sound welcoming? What is it about me? What am I doing wrong? I feel the pain body begin to move inside of me….and the stories begin to build.

And then it happens – this new part of me that has arisen through these last few years. I realize that I am conscious of what I am doing. I  can stop the madness. I allow myself to feel whatever it is that I was feeling. I take a big clearing breath – and I uncurl my fingers – unclench my stomach.

I put down the spoon that I was either going to use to feed myself or stir the pot. Nice spoon. I really don’t need you right now – but thank you for being ever ready to assist me!

So how about you? Shake any spoons late? Stir any pots that don’t really need stirring?

First of all – I hated the question – I mean why do we have to pick between two incredibly pleasurable activities – and then have the answer be used as a  commentary? But I knew why the study was done – and I knew the answer before it was given that  women would pick the massage over sex – and that the  sexperts were using that answer to show the sorry state of female sexuality. But really – no disrespect intended here – neither the survey makers or the sexperts really got it.  But I did. I don’t mean to be bratty here – but I simply didn’t draw the same conclusions.

I understood why the women picked massage as their first choice – and it had nothing to do at all with the sorry state of female sexuality.  The answer was all about  being sex positive – not sex negative! We just have to be willing to open up our  minds a little bit about what constitutes a sensuous and satisfying embodied activity! What was missing from the understanding of the survey makers – and perhaps even from the sexperts who used this study as an example of women not wanting sex -  was that massage – even traditional massage – is a very sensuous and pleasurable activity that allows us to feel touch for a very extended amount of time without doing anything back!  The most traditional of massage experiences allows women to go  deeply into their bodies  – and receive  sensuous pleasure – that is all about them!

Most women don’t get the opportunity to do this. To simply – get naked,  lie on a table and allow someone to touch them in a non erotic – yet sensuous safe way that gives pleasure for an extended amount of time. It is positively delicious – and for many women – this experience is  not as available as traditional sex.  So of course they picked massage over sex in the ill conceived  survey.  Women are not stupid!

It was a funny coincidence – but yesterday I also received an incredible massage  and I was again reminded of the spectacular  healing and delicious pleasure  that can happen on the massage table.  Yes – pleasure – pure and simple. Healing pleasure. And in my mind – in my experience – pleasure is not only healing – it is  transformational.

It had been a long time since I had climbed aboard a massage table and simply – magnificently – divinely – received one way healing touch. Oh – I have made lots of reasons why I haven’t gone. There is the money – the time – and the fact that every once in a while – even I – the great SHAMELESS wonder has moments of body shame. So I deny myself what I know to be one of the most healing, restorative, regenerative , and pleasurable activities that I can think of – and that is receiving a massage.

But John Ellsworth, an old friend and one of the most talented massage therapists I know – offered me a massage as an early birthday present. I almost didn’t go – after all – I am a very busy lady! I have so much to do! There are families to build in my fertility work, blogs to write and a book to promote! There are dinners to cook – and an apartment to clean! I could go all day and not finish all of the things that I need to do. But I stopped – and I went after work – and it was such an important reminder that receiving massage is one of the most important things that I can make time for to keep myself ticking.

I know that there can be  a lot of discomfort in recognizing and having a massage – something that we pay for – as something other than a therapeutic activity that we engage in because we have a bad back – or a pulled shoulder – or as a way for us to keep our muscles in shape as athletes.  Not many people are willing to say that they embrace massage as a way to give themselves pleasure. We are a pleasure denied society – that talks about pleasure a lot – and then puts a lot of taboos around it.  And anything that has nudity, touch and possibly money involved in it  – we have to put lots and lots of boundaries around – so that other  people will know that we are engaging in the activity for “medical purposes”.

We don’t want anyone to think – that possibly we are doing this for pleasure’s sake only!

So let me help out on this one.  Pleasure is important. Pleasure can change your life. Sensuous pleasure is healing and feels great! Traditional non-erotic  massage is an incredible tool for getting reconnected with the power of pleasure that we can all have in our own bodies – and yes  – if it helps you justify the experience – it is healing!  And we don’t have to do anything to receive this but show up and climb on the table.

I left John’s studio feeling transformed after 90 minutes of pure pleasure that didn’t involve sex  – but was just as delicious.

Thank you John for the reminder – and the women in the study were no dummies!

“Landslide I took my love and I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing ’cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older I’m getting older too
Well…
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing ’cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older I’m getting older, too
Well I’m getting older too
So, take this love and take it down
Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe
Well maybe
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down”

To me it’s a song about being willing to face change – and how we can often fear change in a place deep in our bones – until we can really see ourselves clearly in the change. Sometimes that means climbing to great heights only to turn around and go back. To me, this is a song and about finding your courage to leave what is safe and known, That’s a biggie – and then being willing to let go and move on. It’s a song about growing up at any age and coming to terms with the fact even though you love something and it is was the most precious to you- it may no longer serve your life.  In fact some things in our lives that we have loved may in fact actually hurt you – no matter how much you loved it or was devoted to it…….sometimes a landslide will bring you down.

There have been so many land slides in my life the last few years and  so many changes. The cool thing is what is actually new for me in this process, is that I am finding that I am adjusting to the changes in a entirely new way.  The feeling of needing to stay with something because I felt needy, or needed to feel accepted or wanted has slowly left this woman . This is how I used to operate all the time. If doing something made me feel wanted or needed….I would do it. It was how I felt safe in the world. How I would be kept and not thrown out. But now – as I fly down that snow covered hill, its like I have a snow suit on…and a whoopee cushion in the seat of my pants… Bump…Bump…Bump…..Yee Haw!

Like the singer in the song “Landslide” I find that I am bolder, and that I can weather the changes….the seasons of my life in an entirely new way.

And you can enjoy the seasons too. Sometimes knowing  that certain times in your life  are gone forever  can feel bittersweet – but know how beautiful every season was. Instead of trying to just hang on because you are frightened of the next unknown piece of weather. I have even have found that I am noticing with some discomfort why aren’t I more upset about certain things? When things that used to really throw me….well…..just aren’t throwing me the way they used to. Is this okay? Why aren’t I more upset?

Okay, I may notice a little discomfort -.but a melt down? No….not nearly. Not anymore. This has been an incredible year of victories for me. My book SHAMELESS is coming out – I have continued to work in the field of fertility for over 20 years – and now I am thinking about taking myself in new directions. There is so much work that I feel compelled to do – and by taking those risks – embracing those new paths – I am feeling the that quiet feeling of discomfort that comes with changes. But this time I welcome those feelings. It is a sign that I moving down the right path. I have made new friends….and some in unexpected places. How I have come to view my life has changed. And I am envisioning my future as an dynamic work in progress.

What it so interesting to me is that I really credit my ability to climb the mountain and turn around – to see my reflection in the snow cover hills with the embodiment work that I have written about and participated in over the last four years. It has created a stronger, more self assured woman…who understands her value in the world and does not simply accept others projections onto me. There was a time that if someone called me something….or labeled me something…I would have just accepted it….in order to be kept in that person’s life.

My desire to be wanted was so strong. Not so much anymore. I have gotten the lesson that I do not have to work that hard anymore to be wanted. I don’t have to accept other people’s stuff simply to stay in their lives.

I cannot put this Genie back in the bottle. I have been launched as my book is ready to fly into people’s arms. My view of myself is forever altered. I see myself fully as a woman who is deeply committed to supporting other women in finding this place in themselves. And I am finally positioned to do that work. In every loving ounce of me – I am sharing all of me, in all the ways that I can. And I feel like I am finding just the right people to support me in this moment – teach with me- and help each woman explorer on her way to her own mountain.

Team Shameless is forming! More to come!!! Cha Cha Cha Changes!!!

Frankly – most of us don’t truly believe that we can get where we need to go on our own.  The fact is – just like Dorothy – I like a lion, a tin man, and a scarecrow by my side.  I love having a team – companionship – friendship. For me – being alone of that yellow brick road would be very lonely.  I think that is why there are so many different kinds of life coaches these days - people who specialize in supporting us along the path – but don’t do it for us!  I think that having a coach is helpful – I have worked with one on and off for years – and I am now a practicing life coach in the area of sexuality, self image and infertility.  But that is different than looking for the Wizard to take you home.

The road to believing that we can make it happen for ourselves is complicated. It takes a level of self confidence in our own person-hood that can be hard to come by these days. I believe that it starts with making friends with our bodies – just as it is right now. I believe that it can start with making room for pleasure in your life. And I believe that it can take having some friends along yellow brick with you – simply to skip along and sing.   So pick something today that will bring you closer to your body, do something that will give you pleasure – and call a friend.

Before you know it you might be clicking you heels too – knowing that you really don’t need a wizard. You had it in yourself all to go where you need to go.

As for me – I can’t always wear ruby slippers – the heels are just too uncomfortable – but I find it helpful to have a reminder of my own power with me at all time – so check out my toenails – they are red and sparkling! So Dorothy!

I am disgusted.

I just heard about – and wrote about a new product  that really and amazingly does support female sexual satisfaction called Zestra® I know this product works because I tried it (You can read about my experience here)!

This product put such a smile on my face that I needed to learn more about it – and why I had never heard of it before!

And while I was doing research into my new favorite thing – I found out something really disturbing. There was a reason why I didn’t know about this product before it was placed in my goody bag!

The makers of Zestra® are having trouble getting air time and even FACEBOOK time!!  Oh come on! Really?

How many Bob Dole ads did I have to sit through about erectile dysfunction (ED)?  I am so sick of this double standard in anything about female sexuality – first Lane Bryant’s zaftig lingerie line – now this? And this double standard was  even acknowledged  – with ABC Nightline recently reported about how Zestra® (a clinically proven, topically applied product that increases female sexual satisfaction) advertising has been turned down by many TV stations & networks, radio stations, websites.

So we can watch Desperate Housewives, Cougars – and Sex in The City – but we can’t talk like grown ups about real women wanting to increase their own healthy sexual arousal? Is it just too scary to think about real life women possibly wanting more and better sex for themselves?  Is it just too heart stopping to think that a woman might want to buy a female arousal product? What would happen if women got their hands on this product? Would dinner not be cooked on time? Would women become so wildly out of control with sexual pleasure that their kids might miss the school bus? What exactly are the mass media  executives  so frightened of that they are going to restrict access to information about a product that may help millions of women because it makes SOMEONE uncomfortable?  We have got to stop being a country that puts women into these Invisible Burkas! Oh yes – we do! We make sure that we separate women out – when it comes to information about sexuality – but we are sneaky about it. And so woman in the United States can  end up just as covered up and “protected” as women in other countries where the rules and morals of a culture are literally seen on their backs. Perhaps in some ways – being able to see the Burka is more honest.  In our country it is invisible – but it is still there – and demonstrated through the lack of access to information that could be of value and support to a woman’s sexual freedom.

Well screw that. My days of keeping my sexuality “under wraps” for somebody else’s sensibilities are over. I am simply too old for that game.

You can get involved – I am. You can jack into their Facebook Page and “Like Them” and tell and share this story to your friends! You can also visit this wonderful website called  “Change.org” and sign the petition to end the double standard in advertising!

Let’s create a little female outrage here! And you men out there that want to support your women in enhancing their pleasure and getting access to information so that they can make their own choices about what they use on the bodies – we need you too!

– Saidah Arrika Ekulona

It is kind of a interesting story – isn’t it? What if we are judged at the “Pearly Gates” based on our living a fearless life? Would you get in? Or would you – like Dan Miller – be accused of making decisions in your life based on fear?

I have been playing with this idea since I was reminded of the film a few days ago. I have been looking at my life – where I have been fearless – and where I have let fear hold me back. It is a really interesting exercise – I encourage you to play along! I do believe that there is some healthy fear – that we should listen to – the fear that we can feel in the pit of our stomach that tells us to stop and wait – because somehow our body knows that there is an oncoming vehicle at 100 miles a hour – even if our mind does not yet. I always think we should pause and listen to those messages from our gut. But then there is the mind fear – the what ifs and the should I’s? Those are the mind messages that keep us from living a fearless life that robs us of our full potential.

It can be addicting – living fearlessly. And living fearlessly can mean many different things to different people.

For me,  living fearlessly has been interwoven with living cautiously.  I have not been flying on my trapeze without a net. I have a tight support system of friends, family and practitioners that I count on  – and an established career. Right now – for me – that works. I am able to grab the bar and fly through the air! I can feel still feel the breeze through my hair….I can still feel that very sensation of wonder…..will I make it to the other side?  By having a strong and steady net underneath me – I have found that I can truly fly into places that I have never thought possible. The net has served me.

For me – learning to live fearlessly came from learning to live shamelessly! I could not have done one without the other. We all have shame, and fear. We all worry that somehow if we put it out there – we are going to fail in some way and be judged.  For me – the process began by me learning how to make peace  with myself first.

My story begins with me having to learn how to get naked! Oh yes – Imagine me – in Dan’s place at the Judgment City – Trying to explain it all!!  Just Shameless!

Yesterday I spent the day with three of them. I include my sister in that. If you read SHAMELESS – they are “The Martini Circle”. We were walking along the beach – “Scarlet Women” – one of them called us. We were all sexing in some way  out of the box…so to speak. I trailed for a little while behind them, listening to them talk. These sturdy, curvaceous bodies…their round asses swaying in front of me. My friends are not cookie cutter women ( not this group and not the ones that I have scattered all over this country). I could feel their power. Their discontent – their determination to have something important and rich in their lives that activated them. Whether it was their life partners or lovers – their jobs – or how they spent their leisure time – their kids or even how they loved each other.

I felt quiet around them. One thought that I was off my game. I was not….not really. Not anymore than normal – anyway. I was just taking them all in…feeling them. Looking at my life in relation to theirs. We were all so the same…we were all so different. We were united in an imperative to no longer accept what we have been fed about our roles – and what should make us happy. We were willing to take what some might seem as unacceptable risks to not have unacceptable lives.

In some ways, I found it exhausting. The hunger in us was palpable to me. The determination to do better than simply get by – was overwhelming. There was also this underlying anger that kept resurfacing in our conversations. We had been fed some kind of a story….and as I said to one of them….the story might have worked if we had died in child birth. But we didn’t. We have lived on to be young in our middle years during a time when we would have been old or gone. We are mapping out a new middle age where the old rules simply don’t feel like they fit our souls anymore.

These New York girlfriends of mine, are not so different from my other female friends. All of them are facing change in one way or another - or creating the change that they face. We are all yearning for something. There is a kind of journey quest going on upon my friends…this group of forty or fifty something women. I might even call it a “movement”. What would satisfy us years ago in the love department – bores us now. We are wanting something more. We are offering something more. There is this under current upon all of us – that we don’t want what “turned us on” when we were of reproductive age. Those moves won’t make us swoon anymore. The men have to dig deeper. And they have to be willing to allow us to impregnate them this time around. It is not just about them fucking us. There is a richness to these women….a priestess quality to all of them. I wonder will these men are who have shown up to hold them..or will show up. Because they will. I wonder how could they pass up such a deep level of sexiness. The hotness of these women comes from a burning place inside of their bodies and simply radiates out. No, these cannot be ordinary men – looking for that special skinny 25 year old that they can make swoon in order to feel masculine. Not the men that are showing up for my posse of mid life sirens. No…they are independent thinkers. They are open to a new kind of feminine power and feminine surrender…..and these “new” men will want to drink from us too…they will want us to fill them up and plant gardens in their male wombs…because these men will be giving birth too in a brand new way.

I do not know what I would do without my posse of female beauties who I love all over this country. I could not be and become who I will shall unfold into when I die without them. And I could never let them walk alone either…unless they wanted to. My red hot, sexy, free thinking out of the box girlfriends – give me the strength and the courage to be me. And I hope that I love each of them back with the same veracious energy that they so generously bestow on me. I hope that I give them the same courage, by sharing my out of the box life with them – to dance naked under the stars and shake their delicious mid life asses for all the world to see

I went to the launch party of a website called “Sex In The Public Square” founded by Elizabeth Wood and Chris Hall. They had this vision for a new out in the open blogging community – and I met people who I had known through the Internet ether for quite some time. I couldn’t believe that I was there – and that these people were actually real and showing up at a public gathering as themselves! How incredibly brave and shameless.

I met many new people that night who were working in what was coined “The Pink Ghetto”. I listened to Lux Nightmare read her writings about working in the Pink Ghetto and how she could not use her real name in her writings even though she was a sex educator by day. I listened to and heard for the first time. – Susie Bright.

There is this entire world out there in Pink Ghetto that I knew nothing about…..and I found sisters and brothers there in many ways – especially in the struggle for identity and acceptance.  For so many people there  is fear in being able to speak about their lives freely.  So few of us who tell our stories (if it involves sex in anyway)  use our real names because jobs, family and friendships could be threatened.

I remember sitting there – feeling that feeling again – that I needed to tell my story like some weird survivor of a war that has come back to retell their tale. I kept feeling my outrage bubbling over the surface – how I once too felt such shame – and so threatened.

I felt a jealousy….about how wonderful it must be to be able to stand up and be photographed as a whole person. To be able to read your writings out loud to a group and not to be hiding behind a stage name because you feared for your existence.  It made my blood flow and brought out the advocate in me.

It helped show me the possibilities for my life. What it might be like to live into the full  potential of me and that night it fed my desire to continue to move forward and create my life.

And here is another cool thing…..so many of these bloggers were “real” people.  What I mean by that – is that they certainly were not ordinary people…..but they were real in every sense of the word.

There was not an abundance of over exercised bodies, boob jobs or plastic faces. In fact those kinds of people were visibly absent.  This group of sex positive activists ran across all age lines, sex preferences, racial lines and  body weight ranges. I might as well have been at an art galley opening.  These folks were quite the every day looking NYC kind of people.  Yet – here they were – out in the open embracing their lives – and their sexuality.  They were not waiting  until “some day”when they had the perfect whatever to have a life. They were creating and re creating themselves now…..as is!

I think in many ways  that night inspired me to take the next steps towards writing and telling my story.  There would be no more waiting for my own “One Day”.

Yep – that’s me – holding the first galley of Shameless, in my hot little hands sitting in the offices of Rodale!

What you  need is the ability  to see your lover with loving kindness and admiration through your eyes and through your finger tips. When was the last time you opened your eyes in the bedroom and simply offered your lover your soft accepting gaze of appreciation? When was the last time you touched your lover as if you were a blind person? Using your fingers as your eyes?  I am not talking about touch as a pathway to orgasm and intercourse  (although that might happen) – but using touch as a soft, gentle, erotic way of truly seeing your partner? Just talking about this kind of touch sends shivers down my spine!

Most of us are literally starving for this kind of touch.  It is through being seen and touched – without any goal other than to feel, love and truly worship the flesh of our beloved that we can be changed forever.

Oh yes – sex toys, orgasm and rocking the night away – can be delicious. But why not try something really new and see what opens for you and your partner simply through opening your eyes, offering admiration and desire through your gaze and touch with no agenda other than to honor, tantalize and hold?

Let me know how it goes for you!

There are so many aspects of my life – where I am obviously seen a lot. I am seen as a Fertility Advocate, a Director of Marketing, a “Founder” and a daughter, wife, mother, sister and friend.  I am very busy in in the world of social media – and you can friend me on Facebook or follow my tweets. You would think that I have no problem at all with “Being Seen” – with  such a big mouth! But that is not what I am talking about….I am talking about being seen as a sexual, erotic being.  For years – that part of me was completely invisible.  And I chronicle my journey from being sexually invisible to being brave enough to be seen as an erotic being in my memoir, SHAMELESS – just as I was then and just as I am now.

It’s a long, story – one that I am not going to go into now – but just for argument sake – have you read those articles about buying sexy lingerie “Just for You”.  Those women magazine pieces that suggest that you should go buy those sexy pull up stocking and put them on so that only you know how hot you are? These pieces are meant to inspire ourselves into feeling sexy from the inside out – and it does help. I have done that – and it can be very delicious to walk into a buttoned up business meeting and know that you are wearing a rhinestone bra…..but that is not what I am talking about. Many women are willing to buy the sexy and keep it private and under wraps. Some never even wear it for the partners.

What if you allowed yourself to be seen wearing the sexy? What about being photographed? Have you ever thought of that? How scary would that be? How delicious would that be? Just think about it….

I went from a woman that wouldn’t look at myself below the neck line to a lady who loves to put on sexy lingerie for the camera! Now how did that happen? And trust me on this – my size hasn’t changed all that much through the years. I am still a handful!

But there was incredible power for me – as a woman – to allow myself to express who I was out loud in living color as a sexual being through my clothing. And once I realized that I could not only feel good in silk – but look good enough  too – I began to get braver about allowing myself the pleasure of prancing in my costumes! First for my husband , then  for the camera.

Some how it was the act of being seen that really helped me in coming  alive as a feminine being. It was as if  posing like a sex goddess gave me the courage to be that sex goddess.  Maybe it was the encouragement of the photographer. I just don’t know. But there I was showing up and playing the part of the calendar girl.  And then – some how – I wasn’t playing the part anymore. I became the calendar girl!

I didn’t need to hide my body – my size 14 frame – my less than perfect anything! It was like a proclamation to myself – and to the world to  bring it on! It was as if the young sex kitten in my middle aged body was shouting “SEE ME”.  I am just who I am and I am perfect in this “as is” container.

For me – there was and still is great healing in being seen simply as a desirable woman. It was a part of myself that I didn’t believe in for so long.  And it is so good to finally come out – and offer you my eyes looking boldly back at you from my photographs.  Yes – this is me too.

No shame here!  Just a playful, sexy, fun woman who has finally found her skin.

I am not talking about traditional sex here. I know that is what everyone goes to – oh that Pamela – she really just needs a good you know what! But I hate to disappoint – that’s not what I am wanting right now. I mean it could be – but it’s not what I need right now.

Sometimes what I need – truly hunger for – is to be touched and held without any agenda at all. Most women – most people don’t have any idea what I am talking about. I am talking about having someone hold you – and touch you without their needs being imposed onto your needs. Letting the time together be just about the receiver without having to meet the needs of the giver.  Most of us are only touched when there is need on behalf of the giver….and we receive their need – and then get ignited to dance with with them. In fact that is the traditional model of female sexuality. We are the receivers of need – and learn to take our pleasure that way.

Well – that’s not what I am needing right now. Right now – I am needing something completely different.

My father has been dead for over 26 years. Mom has been a widow for a very long time, since her fifties. There were boyfriends along the way -but the last one died years ago. I had spoken to my mother about masturbation and how important it would be for her to give herself this kind of pleasure, but she usually dismissed me.

And  I understand that most people don’t ever want to think about their mother’s masturbating – and frankly – I really understand that! But I am not most people! I wanted my mother to be able to continue to have some kind of sexual pleasure in her life – so I thought if we got her a vibrator it might open up a entire new world for her. So we bought the vibrator. It was a very  simple one. It wasn’t a  pink striped , pulsing and twisting dildo….no not that. I didn’t want to scare her after all!
We settled on an old fashioned vibrator – the one that has a little “special applicator” attachment. It looked a little like a small mixer but without the beaters! We wrapped it up pretty with a bow and when my Mother opened it – she laughed.  And then she looked at us and said “Maybe”.

It lived in her closet for years. – until my mother turned  81. Every-time I brought it up. – mom would tell me that she was frightened of hurting herself. I would talk to her about this. “Come on mom – how are you going to hurt yourself?”

She could never explain to me her fears, and in the end the vibrator remained unused.
And then one afternoon my mother called me. I knew something was up at “Hello”.  She had this cat who had caught the canary kind of voice….
“Well, I used it!” She gushed.

“Used what?”

“The vibrator!!! I was watching this show on television today and they had this expert on the elderly, and she was taking about how important it was for good overall health for older people to continue to have sex, and how unfortunate it was that many women lose their mates…and that the elderly should be encouraged to masturbate – and this really impressed me! It is the Today Show after all – and then the expert said that we should all go and find a quiet place and explore….so I got the box down!”
Okay – I tried to not be insulted that after three years or more of having this very same conversation with my mother – and even buying her a vibrator, and giving her lube (think about that a moment – I gave my mother lube!). It took this stranger who was on the Today Show to impress her!
“That is SO great Mom! I am so happy!”

“Well, I opened the box. I was nervous about it, but I figured I could read the directions. And you know -the instructions don’t even mention sex!  How stupid is that? A vibrator that doesn’t talk about masturbation! It had all these different attachments. I finally figured out the “Special Applicator”  for “Special Places” was the one that I should use! I was a little scared – but I decided that I was just going to do this! What could happen?! I will have you know that your 81 year old mother had an orgasm in like two minutes! It was so fast! And I soaked the bed! I had forgotten what that felt like! I had forgotten the feeling. It was so good! I guess I didn’t lose it from not using it!”
I was stunned. She soaked the bed? “Mom…you ejaculated?”

“All of this fluid shot out of me!”

I have got to tell you, that I know that mom used to do this. She has told my sister and I about this – but neither my sister or I have ever done this. But apparently my mother does not orgasm EVER without ejaculation even at 81!”
“That is so cool  mom – you know neither Vicki or I ejaculate! They even have classes on how to teach women how to do this….but you do this naturally!”
“You mean you don’t have an orgasm?” My mother sounded confused and appalled.

“No, Mom – I have orgasms – lots of them. I just don’t ejaculate. I get wet…but liquid does not shoot out of me and soak the bed the way you are describing….”  I am talking to my mother about my orgasm now. I am trying to be cool. I am not feeling cool.
“Oh…I thought everyone did that” Said my mother. “Where does it come from?? Yours just stays inside you??”
“I think it comes from glands near the Cervix…but I really don’t know….”
I had forgotten that  my youngest son, had walked into the apartment while I was chatting up the world of masturbation with my mother.  He had made a bee line for the kitchen and  I was so distracted that I hardly noticed him. Besides at 17 he was pretty independent.  So – he wasn’t on my mind until I heard him shout from the kitchen.

“Mom….I am going to throw up! Really Mom…I am going to vomit!!”
Oh God! I couldn’t stop laughing! Poor Baby! Let’s hear it for small apartments! He appears from the kitchen carrying a bowl of soup and looks at me and says  “No amount of therapy in world Mom…..do you understand…no amount of therapy in the world”

Look – I like my carbs as much as the next girl  and I have used food – over and over again to fill the empty places inside of me that I just couldn’t name. Okay -  lets be real here – I have used food for just about everything! But I am not so sure about this premise – and I have to be honest  – I have also not read Mss Sevell’s book – just Savage’s column.

And what got me is how Dan – who I love – was being so hostile in this particular column towards women! He was full of forget about it boys – she just isn’t into it and it doesn’t matter what you do. Dan Savage went into this long rant about the  “if onlys”. He said something like – well gentlemen you can forget about all the “if’ onlys”.

“If only I helped her with the dishes she would have had sex”

“If only she wasn’t so tired”

If only I came home from work early to have a romantic dinner”

Dan basically said great-now we know the truth about women – now us men can give it all up and stop trying so hard because she isn’t going to fuck us anyway!

So his advice for the men in America? Go drink your beers – play your video games – and fart. And his advice to woman? Put up or shut up when your man goes else where!

This particular column is really a dis-service to all of us.

I am getting really tired of all of this women don’t like sex stuff. Not the woman that I know! What I do know is that women get bored. If you are snoozing and serving up the same old thing….night after night….she might choose to open another candy bar and put that in her mouth rather than you! Don’t tell me that sitting  with a lap top buzzing is a turn on. It’s not. Why not grab her while she is walking by your easy chair and throw her over your lap for a sensuous tickle? See if that doesn’t wake her up? Do something different! Savage makes fun of sex play toys…such as chocolate frosting for the body – he says it is not dignified for parts of the male anatomy. I wonder if most men’s anatomy would care about it’s dignity with a happy tongue playfully washing off the sprinkles?

I believe that we are a nation of sexual paradoxes. We crave sex and think about it constantly – but we are also sexually asleep. We are sexually out of shape! Perhaps we need sexual trainers! Just like gym trainers! And they do exist! Just read my blog – but this needs to go main stream. Just like many people need a trainer to exercise – some may need a sexual trainer to help them wake up their libidos!

When I listen to doctors talk about low sexual urges – I go back to my metaphor of  sleeping beauty. If we are bored and not engaged  – we fall asleep. If we are encouraged to wake up and engage – we will dance with the prince! Or ourselves! Look, it’s not just the man’s job for wake us up. We have to wake ourselves up. That is really the truth. But this nonsense that the truth of it all is that us women are just are born to like sex less – is a myth worth busting.

I am starting to feel like sex can be like Chinese food  – you can have a delicious meal -and twenty minutes later you are hungry.

Okay…so maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being – you can become dormant – like a hibernating bear. And when you wake up and begin to feed yourself you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

So many of us are like Sleeping Beauty. We are resting – but what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or if there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself?

I have been steeped in desire lately, so many people have been writing to me about their desires since I launched “Being Shameless”. It has been amazing.  There is a lovely woman who goes by “Jessica”.  Jessica is in her forties, a single mother by choice, and she runs her own business.  She is not untypical of women today. Jessica wrote to tell me that about a year ago  she began to work with  a Certified Sexological Bodyworker. And guess what happened? Her inner “Sleeping Beauty” woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic!! Right?

Well the truth is that  feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable!

I love exploring desire.  What we desire – how desire looks for us and how we reach for our desires. Jessica really touched me in her note -

“Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started to work with a Sexological Body Worker  8 months ago – I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc…

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following this blog – hoping to read your book soon , reading, watching videos, having more experiences, learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don’t feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I’m unsettled. Like I’m waiting for something. It’s hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that’s it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more”.

Jessica, I feel your pain! I totally get it. but what I have found is that it comes in waves – this desire…this insatiable need for more. I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food….or cannot stop eating.

Honey – so many of us are  starving and we simply don’t know it. And once we  finally start eating again – the food can taste so sweet. It can feel like our bodies just cannot get enough in the beginning because we went too long without feeding it. My suggestion is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine simply by talking about this subject!

And here is the biggie – You  can feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now.  That’s okay – let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again – pleasure is IS available. If you can afford it – have a few extra sessions. Indulge yourself a bit and look for new ways to feed yourself.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself!  I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH.  I give myself special long sexy baths. I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.  Sometimes – I journal my desire or reach out and connect with others….all the things that you are doing. Perhaps it may be time for a get away workshop?

The best solution is exactly what you are doing – own your desire and feed it. That is my only solution and if you feed yourself in a way that reassures your body – your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do.  Remember that noticing your desire is different than judging your desire. Please try not to judge it.  Don’t  “decide” that it is too much.  Another way of looking at your increasing desire is to view it as an indicator of your vitality!

I believe that once our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again, that we will become less agitated and over time, that we will become more fulfilled.  For now, eat freely and eat often!  I am so glad that you woke up Jessica!

Wanting more isn’t always comfortable. But isn’t it so much better than being asleep?

Saving room for dessert can mean so many things!  It doesn’t always mean a Red Velvet cupcake or a slice of coconut cake! It can be about creating the time and energy for taking a long delicious walk, reading a book, or making love. It’s all about what dessert is for you! Maybe you have always wanted to go for a balloon ride – but there was never enough time or money. For me – it’s about going to San Francisco these days – to spend time with my incredible friends there.  And I have to save room in all parts of my life – to have that. It’s intentional to save the time, the money – and create the room for my jaunts across the country. But it feeds my soul -  it’s just for me – and so I save room no matter what – to have it!

It’s all about being able to live fully.  Giving yourself permission to have pleasure that is just for you. No excuses. No justifications. When we allow ourselves to have the freedom to make room for what is yummy in our lives – sometimes we end up stretching our selves in ways we could never have imagined.   Dr. Christiane Northrup has said “Pleasure is a life changer!” Amen sistah!

Learning how to allow myself pleasure in all it’s forms has certainly changed mine.

It’s Friday – the weekend is looming! Can you save some room for dessert this weekend? I bet it will be delicious.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

This poem inspired me to get up off my knees and letting go of living my life the way I thought I had to in order to be accepted. The biggest gift is embracing who you really are… Have you taken a step to getting up off your knees? Where have you stopped “being good” – I welcome your sharing here.

I traveled everyday from Long Island, to Manhattan – I felt very sophisticated. I rode the Long Island Rail Road, sometimes with my dad on his way to work. I bought coffee and croissants every morning. I remember how delicious they tasted. I had only known from bagels and Wonder Bread.

I had never bought breakfast before like that….this was the days before Starbucks and Peets. People didn’t do that on a regular basis – at least not in Great Neck in 1976. I ate at my desk. It was very sophisticated and grown up. I loved it.
Every morning I was filled with desire as I made my way to The Village Voice. It was all possibility. The job itself was rather boring – it was all the things around the job that I loved. Being at The Village Voice – being in Manhattan – eating croissants that left butter on my finger tips, and buying coffee.

In many ways, my desire has created so much goodness for my life. My desire to figure out my sexuality and not to be silenced led to my book. And I am having an incredibly good time launching it into the world. Sometimes the details around all of it isn’t that exciting – but boy oh boy are there moments!  I cannot tell you how much fun I had taking that calendar shot! Everyone should do that just once!  Play at being a pin up! It was kind of like licking that butter off of my fingers. Not my everyday life – and so totally delicious! I want to do it again!

The Universe has been generous to me. And I am grateful for that generosity. Even when I have fallen down hard – the Universe coupled with my own resilience and desire – has picked me up again.

But like everybody else – I  have moments of  feeling my desire slipping away.  And every time that happens – it makes me nervous. I just watched a terrible movie called “My Zinc Bed” – I don’t recommend it – it was about drinking and addiction. The skeptic about AA said to the man committed to AA – “You are not cured. If you were cured – you would have no desire – and who would want to be cured of desire?”

I guess that is where I am landing now. I have no wish to be cured of desire. Desire makes me howl at the moon. Desire drives my heart – and moves my spirit. Desire fuels me. I have built a life out of my desires – from my desire to have children to my desire to be heard as a woman.  Perhaps, when we feel our desire ebb and  flow it is a sign that it is simply  time to think about opening to new desires  and  allowing our desires to shift without judging it.

When I get like that – I ask myself to to open wider – and see what might flow in.

My in laws bought an Recreational Vehicle. It is an over sized van. They call it a stealth RV – because it can go anywhere and people don’t know that you are camping. It has a kitchen, bathroom, bed, and shower. I feel desire for that. Sometimes, I think that it would be incredible to just run away. Leave it all behind.  Go on some fabulous adventure!  To simply go where ever I wanted in the country. To meet new people – to explore – and to taste it all on so many different levels.

And then it occurred to me, that perhaps while I am not  in an RV -  that in so many ways -  this was the life that I was now living. A life  where adventure is possible – where I am meeting  new people through sharing my story.  If we allow ourselves to look at what the world offers us -  often we get us our desires – not just in the packages that we expect them in. We just have to open our hearts and let it all in.

So this year, what I want more than anything  is not to be cured of desire. I want to dance this year in the Red Wood Forrest to drums – I don’t know how – but I will. I will float in the water again at Harbin Springs -  I will continue to feel my own body pulse with sexuality and abandon. I will love more – and without fear of not being loved back. I want to continue to write.  And I want to give up my fear  of telling my story. Ah sweet Desire….So this year  I will “Work like I don’t need the money – I will love as if I have not felt hurt – and I will dance like nobody is watching”.  This year – I will light the flame under desire yet again.

Won’t you join me? And what will you do to stoke your desire?

One-on-One Coaching with Pamela

Our relationship with our bodies frames every aspect of our lives – from our relationship with our food to our sexual satisfaction. I am here to support you as your journey into all the places where you may feel stuck – and help you open to a deeper and more loving relationship with yourself and perhaps your partner.

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What People Are Saying

“In this daring, funny book, the author accepts herself and sets out to help others find fulfillment.”

—Publisher’s Weekly

“The edgy quirkiness of the story, combined with the author’s honesty and character-saving ability to laugh at herself, make the book an engaging read…bold and surprisingly moving.”

—Kirkus Reviews

“Shameless is enthralling, hilarious and incredibly courageous. A most heady–and sexy combination. Pamela Madsen is the living, breathing embodiment of the power of pleasure to transform one’s life.”

—Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

Read A Little Shameless

Excerpt From Chapter 1: A Seismic Shift

Introduction : So there I was with my best girlfriends at a Korean Day Spa in Fort Lee, NJ for a day of pampering and unbridled girl talk.

Vicki and I followed Beth, Sophia, and Olivia through the door to the spa. I lagged behind my sisterhood of four, watching their curvaceous bodies and round asses sway, hands fluttering as they brought each other up to date. I waded slowly into the hottest of the tubs, a large, shallow blue-tiled pool ringed with at least a dozen women and girls, not one larger than my thigh. I settled near a jet and cooked. One by one, Vicki, Beth, Sophia, and Olivia joined me with the requisite “Argh! It’s ho-o-ot. Oh, man! Ahhh, that’s good!”

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Behind the Book

Maybe it’s a congenital disorder. Maybe it’s something I learned as an itty-bitty baby. But when I find something wonderful or liberating or even mildly helpful, I can’t keep my mouth shut. Even my mother, the original unfiltered talker, marvels at my compulsion to spill the beans whenever I’m on a mission.
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About Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is a pioneer in fertility advocacy whose raw honesty, indefatigable will and wit, lifted “infertility” from a whispered curse to a pop culture cause célèbre. With a mix of intelligence, humor and startling bluntness, she leveraged her own struggles with and triumph over reproductive challenges into a national organization that successfully supported the family-building rights of all people.

Pamela is at it again—this time in the name of genuine sexual liberation for women. Armed with more than four years of explicit experience and study, she is lifting the veil from the nature of women’s desire, pleasure and happiness and emerging as a leading voice for erotic human rights. She is rallying women to live the full and integrated lives that are possible only when they embrace their sexuality. And she walks her talk, having worked with sexual healers and surrogates in the sacred intimacy underground. She’s taken countless workshops and become a certified sexologist/somatic sex educator. Just as she did with infertility, Pamela is bringing new focus on sexual behaviors and predilections, speaking and writing from the heart without judgment or hypocrisy.

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Being Shameless
The Blog

Being Shameless is the blog that takes you inside the head of a woman who is in the midst of becoming erotically liberated. I am offering these pages as a place to find a bridge between what science and society tell us about sexuality and what is really so – at least for me. And it’s made my life, bigger, fuller and richer than I ever imagined.

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Becoming shameless has been my personal evolutionary process, one that got jump started in early midlife. At the time, I wasn’t all that interested in having sex with my husband of many, many years (the man I met when I was 17 and married at age 20). I enjoyed it when we did make love, but I didn’t actively seek it out. Did that mean I had low libido? Was I physically or psychologically deficient or dysfunctional? Was there something wrong with me?

Was I like millions of other women who successfully severed their sexuality—that most basic of human behaviors—from the rest of who we are?

I was determined to find the answers. No more sublimating, overeating, over-exercising or overworking. I needed to know what was going on. My pursuit of the “truth” turned me into a sexual sleuth launched on an unofficial, unexpected investigation into a subterranean world of sexuality that I never knew existed. Neither had any other person I’d met until that moment. Which is a lot of people.

The first thing I discovered is that I had a robust, juicy, and full sexual self that lives inside. The second thing is that I wasn’t alone in my desire to unearth that part of me. It was that the true nature of female sexuality and desire hadn’t become yet become the near obsession it is these days. I felt like I was wandering in a vast, uncharted wilderness even if everyone secretly wanted to go there, too.

Admittedly, there’s more information out there now. Academics and medical experts compile statistics on female sexual dysfunction –apparently a plague of epic proportions– and how to fix it. Social media sexpot sexperts blog, Twitter and FaceBook their horn-dog diaries, flooding the web with virtual instruction manuals on self-pleasuring, high-tech gadgetry, threesomes, and becoming the ultimate pleasure machine. There are crusaders against the medicalization of female sexuality, including libido pumping drugs and plastic surgery to “rejuvenate” the vagina.

It’s all good. It’s all necessary. But what’s a middle-aged mother, housewife and careerist to do? Where do real people find good role models who help us hang on to the lives and loves we cherish even as we open up our sexual sides? Who’s out shouting that we don’t have to suffer for being sexually alive?

Me. I’m willing to stand up and say, “Screw suffering, it’s highly overrated and completely unnecessary.” I’m willing – and happy –to make my personal, admittedly wonky voyage to self-discovery into a tool everyday women and men can use to pry off the lid of their desires. Because that’s the first step to becoming whole and no doubt the hardest.

But I’m good at stepping up and speaking out. I’m a bred-in-the-bone advocate. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve done for decades as a leading advocate for the infertile starting at a time when infertility was as taboo as, oh, say, female sexual desire. I took my own experience of infertility and went public and fought hard to change the laws to help get people coping with infertility health insurance. I have been outspoken from everything from stem cell research to the rights of egg donors. So why stop now?

And I believe in every person’s right to acknowledge and have their desire when consenting adults are on the same page. The sticky part is when it comes to actually reckoning with the true nature of female desire. The recently published pioneering work of Dr. Meredith Chivers, a noted psychology professor at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario who specializes in female sexuality, indicates just how complex desire can be. In her own words, Dr. Chivers found that, “Women are apparently disassociated from their bodies and have greater difficulty than men in connecting their own erotic responses to what they are actually feeling or desiring.” In other words, women’s genitals and brains operate on different tracks when it comes to sexuality.

University of Nevada –Las Vegas psychologist, Dr. Marta Meana  rocked Oprah Winfrey’s national television audience when she reported that the evidence is mounting that, “Women want to be thrown up against a wall but not truly endangered. Women want a caveman and caring.”Aha! Without knowing it, I was a human guinea pig outside the lab, trying to reconnect my brain and my sexuality. I didn’t have current science to support me. All I had was the deep hunger for integration. Who knew? I mean, what articulate, savvy, working woman could comfortably admit to that desire? Or any.

Shameless is my memoir about coming to terms with desire.  At first I worried that maybe people were right, that opening up about sexuality would be that dance with danger. I don’t think so any more. And if it is, it’s a risk that I’m willing to take. With my beautiful husband, family and circle of friends at my back, how dangerous can it be? Besides I’m really good about things below the waist, those basic human things that affect the heart and mind in ways we can never expect. After infertility, sex is a logical segue. By looking at me you’d never suspect my own long overdue sexual revolution had turned me from a tremulous explorer into a courageous sex goddess.

Everyone should be so lucky! I hope that you will book mark this site – and join the Shameless! Come on – it’s gonna be fun!