Wouldn't it be Loverly

Dear blog...

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 04:01:00 +0000

Dear my little blog,

It's not you, it's me. I have been thinking about this for a long time now and I think it's time we broke up. It is time for me to see new people. I have loved you and shared much but now I think it's time for me to start a new story. I'm fairly certain the new story will be similar to this one, only less raw. It is my journey and I am still going to share parts of myself after all.

I don't think I can continue to use you as my escape in the same way anymore. I need to own my thoughts and feelings and proclaim them to the world in a way I haven't yet done.
I've been scared to let you go. You've been a place I've loved and escaped to. You've brought so many wonderful people in to my life and I will always be grateful.

And to you, the lovely people who have helped me through the raw and the rough and the tears and the joy too...thank you for being here. Your care has meant much to me. When I have my new space all sorted I hope you'll follow my new journey.

Much love,
Cat.

Things I've learned

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 23:10:00 +0000

The world according to Cat:

Everyone has their own insecurities. Some of us just have them closer to the surface and aren't afraid of hiding them.

A combination of Champagne, coffee, sleep, chocolate and hugs (not all at once mind!) can make you feel vastly better. Ditto date night with your beloved. Ditto a date night with a friend who you love.

Most people try their best.

No matter how much it looks like it from the outside no one has a perfect life.

Making change is easy. In theory.

Babies grow up too fast.

Four year olds are the most delightful and simultaneously exasperating little humans.

People will judge you regardless. Treat those people with empathy as they are under the illusion they have life sorted. And then do what you think is right anyway.

Imperfection is beautiful and should be celebrated.

Love is all you need. Well not really. You need food and water and a home. But to know you are loved and to give love are the foundation of a great life.

House work is mundane and repetitive but a clean house is a good reward. A bit of mess though is what makes a home.

What have you learned?

Last night

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 21:36:00 +0000

Last night I had six hours sleep. That's not such a big deal really. Except that it really is. I haven't had that much sleep in over two months in one night. It was a broken six hours but heck, it was six hours and I count the wins when I get them.

Little Lion is a crappy sleeper. He always has been and it's my wish he won't always be. Actually hoping e won't always be is what sustains me night after night, nap battle after nap battle.

We have tried everything. Nothing has made a lick of difference and for a little boy who has quite severe separation anxiety issues it seems counter intuitive to let him cry it out anyway.

Most days I can't let myself think about how tired I am. If I do I become cranky and dare I admit it, resentful. No or is getting the best of me, let alone myself. At work the other day I found myself in tears when a colleague asked, "How are you?" and really wanted to know the answer.

I usually organise my way out of stress. I put plans in place, get up early, stay up late, do what I need to do to get what is hanging over my wad "done" but I truly haven't the energy to do that. When sleep is at such a premium everything else is just so well "hard". I'm losing weight without trying and people comment on it. I don't think it's anything to be proud of. The weight is a sign I'm neglecting myself. Biscotti and coffee aren't exactly wonderful nutrition. I withdraw in these times. I feel like I'm not "good enough" or that I'm apart from the rest of the world, alone in my struggles even though the interwebs have taught me that I am not really alone I still feel it. There is little logic in a brain functioning at quarter speed.

All my energy goes in keeping up with the boys, tending to what happens in our four walls. And in not falling apart or feeling too sorry for myself.

Last night I had 6 hours sleep and I feel like a human again. I have clear thoughts and I may actually even make sense today at work.

Last night I had 6 hours sleep. I keep repeating that to myself as if it were some kind of miracle. Because, it is a miracle for me at the moment.

That voice

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 23:34:00 +0000

Image credit & originally here - quote from Shel Silverstein

I'm restless to the core at the moment. Last time I felt this way it resulted in a huge career change - giving up full-time work and studying full-time so I could move into a career better suited to me. People in my life called me brave at the time but I didn't think so. I knew I couldn't wake up in 20 years and be proud of the decisions I'd made if I stayed doing what I was doing then.

I know Mr is super restless too. We don't make time for dreaming enough....the pressure of a mortgage, the day-to-day stress of getting children fed, entertained, to sleep and all the usual humdrum of running a house together and combining work.

I don't know what will result from the niggling feeling this time but I'm ready to open up to any possibility, change, renewal.

I'm busy being busy at the moment and I promised myself I'd simplify this year. I've let myself down cos I'm scared of what will happen in the quiet space.

My real hope is that as the baby grows I reclaim some space and time for myself. I think it's hard to not be consumed by parenthood with a wee one. Well it is for me anyway.

So many people I admire have been talking about the focus of their spaces in the blogosphere lately - Zoey and Megan particularly - and as usual, my feelings seem to be travelling a similar path to theirs (how that happens I will never know) - I'm not sure about maintaining this space or what it will become.

I need time, faith in myself and a dash of courage too to heed the voice.

The sadness box

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 00:51:00 +0000

I found this quote via Facebook and it sums up something I've been trying to say for a long time.

It's been a year since I fell and broke my knee on the kitchen floor when I was 36 weeks pregnant. It has been almost a year since Little Lion was born. To say I've not processed these things is an understatement really. It has been the hardest year of my life by absolute far. Sleep deprivation, a haze of feeding and trying to stay on top of things. Being the best Mama I can be. I have to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of my beautiful boys and focusing on the difficult things too much just makes me well, incredibly sad. I'm sad about the isolation, the way I haven't been the best I could be, sad about the stress we have been under, disappointed by the lack of support from people I thought I could count on and dare I admit it, still slightly traumatised by the goings on.

Most of the sadness has been put in a box for me to deal with at another time. I know that's not really too healthy. I know I don't take care of myself in the ways I should. I also know from having lived through sadness before that I will be ready to deal with the sadness in time and it won't always be so confusing.

Others have dealt with worse, harder, more tragic things and I am so incredibly grateful for what I have. I'm ready to move on even if I haven't accepted it all yet.

Bebito starts kindy next week two and a half days a week and I'm ready for it to be the start of a new world order for all of us. I'm ready to smile more and find a new way forward and one day, when I'm ready, I'll open the sadness box.

Bebito's 4th Birthday wrap up

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 04:29:00 +0000

There was play. There was a lot of singing. There was ice cream cake. There was a construction site cake. And friends. A visit to the zoo. New toys. New books. Lots of new art supplies. New pet fish. More than one meltdown. Lots and lots of laughter. There was a very happy boy.

Things I've learned: "high needs" babies

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 11:40:00 +0000

I knew my babies would be different from one another. Of course I knew it logically but I don't think I had any real idea of what this meant. In reality they're actually quite similar boys - noisy, charming, full of humour, sleep resisters and really gosh darn cute!!!

The one way that they are vastly different is that Little Lion is what the old timers call, "clingy". I hate that word of course. Zoey and I were conversing one day and she referred to him as "high needs" and I think that's a perfect description. I don't mean to belittle any child with developmental delays or a disability in using this term and I hope it doesn't cause offence. It was never more evident to me the differences between them than during Bebito's mini-party yesterday. Little Lion cried and whined his way through the occasion and Bebito cried and whined when people left. I have a baby who is incredibly happy so long as I am within ear or eyeshot. The photos you see of him are the real him but the him he is only within our family.

It took him a good 4 months, maybe longer, to adjust to being in the world. On reflection, he grizzled his way through most of that early period of his life. It's just one of the reasons this year has been probably the most hard fought one I've ever had. Never have I had so much criticism, ostracism and judgement before parenting Little Lion. People certainly have their opinions to share! Most of it I let wash over me but some of it leaves a sticky residue behind and I can't deny it hurts.

He would have been the perfect baby for parents for whom really strong attachment parenting felt right. I've managed to navigate my way through the last 11 months with the usual "no particular style" but trying a lot of different things until I find a way that feels right for us and I wanted to share what I've learned in the last eleven months about my fairly "high needs" little man.

Separation anxiety: I can only leave my gorgeous baby with Mr Be Loverly and even then, in fairly short bursts. It took three months for me to be able to go to work and for him not to scream pretty much the whole time I was gone. He still refuses to eat when I'm not home. He has refused a bottle since 9 weeks old. For the most part, wherever I go, he goes. There are some in my life who aren't so understanding of that. I will admit to feeling guilty about not being as good a friend as I would like but for me, my babies have to come first. I will also admit that this means I don't take particularly good care of myself. There are some days when I'd love to run away for a while but I can't easily and I don't.

Sleep: Claire's post on sleep changed my way of thinking completely. I had tried sleep training him in every possible way before that but nothing had worked. I absolutely stopped trying to "fix" it and finally relaxed in to things doing what works to get us all as much sleep as possible (which in all honesty still isn't that much). I also read an article that said any kind of sleep "training" for a baby with major separation anxiety is likely to fail and actually make it worse. That makes perfect sense of course....a child who already fears abandonment will only have those fears confirmed by being left to cry. And guess what, since resolving to just go with the flow, he's sleeping better on the whole, waking on average two or three times rather than the four or five he was.

The sibling thing: This has been by far the hardest thing for me. Bebito was used to being the centre of attention before his brother arrived. He has really struggled to share the limelight with his brother who has needed so very much of my attention over his lifetime. I do the best I can and without fail I find one-on-one time for him every day but truly wish I could split myself in two or three parts some days.

The future: I've just bought a bigger baby carrier, one that can fit bigger babies in there...there's no point fighting what he needs of me...and some days, it's the only way I can keep him happy and stop myself going insane. He's not even one yet and I am sure that one day I'll have my freedom back in a bigger way though I doubt he'll ever be as gregarious and friendly as his brother. In the meantime, I'm going to do everything in my power to reassure him until he is secure in the knowledge he is loved and ok.

I'm going to let someone wiser than me have the final word on that one - Kirsten responded to a tweet of mine yesterday saying, "he's a beautifully sensitive bub, who will grow into a beautifully sensitive boy, who then becomes {guess what?} a beautifully sensitive man. The world needs people like that. :)"

Have/did you have a sensitive/high needs baby? What did your journey teach you?

Four: A letter to Bebito

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Sat, 22 Sep 2012 01:31:00 +0000

Dearest Bebito,

Tomorrow, you turn four. Actually, at 11.19am you turn four. You were born on your due date you know? Everyone joked that you were already like your Mama in arriving right on time. And you are, you know, like me. But actually you're a better version. Your funny and kind, friendly, inquisitive, loving and affectionate, very chatty and incredibly clever. You're argumentative too and have to be right (sorry about that, that's my genetics), can be very easily disappointed and like things very much the way you like them.

Of late you've found the world a little overwhelming which you do at the precipice of every new change in your life. Tears come easily and your heart is regularly overwhelmed with both happiness and sadness and I am reminded of how beautiful and sad being your age can be.

You continue to have a really special relationship with Grandma and I can't tell you the enormous joy it brings me to watch you giggle with her, read books and jump on her and give her cuddles.

You're quick to make friends and are confused when other children aren't as open as you. You have really enjoyed the introduction to kindy and are so excited about starting "properly" next term though I know it will mean some big changes in our life and in you too.

You have a really complex relationship with your brother. In my heart I knew you wouldn't relish the opportunity to be a big brother that much and although you declare your love for him most of the time you waiver between being annoyed by him and wanting to smack him in the face (sorry sweet but it's true). In the last few weeks though you've started playing together and there are glimpses of a future relationship that I hope will be strong.

It has been a joy to watch you grow over the last four years into the remarkable little boy you are today. You regularly declare I'm your best friend and I regularly tell you, "I'm so pleased darling but more importantly, I'm your Mama". You will have many friends but you will only ever have one Mama and I am enormously privileged to have that role.

There is no doubt in my mind you are capable of big things my sweetheart but my most heartfelt wishes for you are that you feel comfortable in your own skin, know yourself and find your own peace with the world, show kindness to others and celebrate every possible happiness with gusto.

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy.

You are so very, very, very loved,
Mama
xxxx

ps. Here are the many faces of you....

Things I don't "DO"

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 04:10:00 +0000

See that pic above? It's an awesome new invention - a ride on vacuum cleaner FOR KIDS! A real one - none of this pretend play caper. An actual real one! Genius! It seems that it's been available a while now but I only spied an article about it the other day (which of course I can't remember where I saw now so can't credit appropriately). My kids would love it and heck, I'd have a randomly clean floor which would be cool and mean I wouldn't have to sweep the floor 5 times a day so that Little Lion doesn't attempt to eat every piece of dust or crumb he picks up in his crawling. I could totally convince my kids to do this.

This got me to thinking though about the things I don't "do" around the house. I mean, just categorically refuse and never will do!

Call me a Princess at your peril but I reckon I do enough around the place to be entitled to rule out some things. I have sanded nearly every piece of raw wood in our house and done all manner of things involving concrete dust and wires in our renos but these are things I will not lift a finger to do. There are loads of things Mr is better than me at - scrubbing the shower for instance - but I end up doing them anyway because if I waited for him, well... :)

Here's my never ever list:

1. Mow lawns - lawn clippings everywhere, no thanks, plus the smell is not great and I don't like things flicking up at me. Ditto whipper snipper-ing or whatever you call it.
2. Clean the oven - too hard, too much elbow grease, too much smell. I USE the oven not clean it. I saw the other day that there are companies that will come and clean your oven for you - further genius!
3. Catch or dispose of mice - ick, just ick!
4. Clean the ceiling fan - we have 13 feet ceilings and I am scared witless of heights so that's not for me I'm afraid.

Do you have some jobs you outright refuse to do?

Days like today

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Tue, 18 Sep 2012 06:03:00 +0000

Days like today I wake up tired, because Little Lion woke over 9 times last night, Bebito woke 3 & was up for the day at 5.10.

Bebito finds days like today really hard. When Little Lion needs so much attention and won't sleep easily. One-on-one time with him is my priority whilst the baby sleeps and he certainly acts out if that attention isn't forthcoming. He's going through a stage where he needs constant reassurance and asks, "Mama are you still my friend?", "Mama do you still love me?" these questions break my heart a little but I know he just wants to hear the words over and over again and I'm happy to oblige until every cell within him knows just how loved he is. He takes it out on his brother when he thinks I'm not looking, being physically quite mean.

Days like today are long...we made play dough, picnicked by the beach, visited the playground, read books, played cars and trains, sandpitted, lego-ed, played on his computer, prepared dinner, did a load of washing and more besides. It's exhausting and nothing much holds his attention for longer than 20 minutes.

Days like today, when the baby refuses his afternoon sleep & screams for an hour as I try to settle him it's sometimes more than I can take.

Days like today, I shove the baby in the bjorn and hope he will take at least 29 minutes so I don't have to listen to him whine.

Days like today I feel like I'm not doing things the way I want to. I've spoken before about empathy and energy being my parenting "motto". I am finding the energy hard to come by. Recharging the batteries isn't that easy with Mr working long hours, working 3 days a week and not having slept through the night in over 18 months.

Days like today I dread and look forward to nightfall in equal measure. I look forward to at least a little time to myself but I know it'll be another night of battling children who don't want to sleep.

Days like today I remember how much I wanted children but truly had no idea that days like today existed.

Days like today I see my boys plat and smile, give me kisses and giggle and somehow I know I'll get through days like today.

Eleven months

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 05:16:00 +0000

Dearest Little Lion,

You're 11 months old now and my how you've changed in the last month! You will not sit still and are gaining confidence with the world in a big way. We can't keep up with the speed you crawl at and you're super adventurous exploring everything within your reach. You're standing on your own a little, scooting around on the furniture, attempting to climb book cases, waving bye, saying, "no no no no" as you shake your head vehemently and my favourite thing, giving huge open mouthed kisses. You have a fake laugh you've modeled on your brother's and it makes your Dada and I giggle no end....And man are you LOUD!! You love your brother's cars and books most of all!

You still don't sleep much, eat a lot when you feel like it and next to nothing when you don't. You are getting better with hanging out with grandma but still prefer my company over anyone else's. Your reaction of pure joy at seeing me when I come home is something I will remember forever.

You are a boy who knows your mind that's for sure but I think that's probably best for you in this house full of strong personalities.

You keep me on my toes in ways your big brother never did.

In a month you will be one! I can't quite believe it.

Happy 11 months baby! Your smile lights up the room baby boy and melts my heart.

Much love,
Mama.
Xxx

Little Lion's 1st Birthday & Naming Day Inspiration Board

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 03:46:00 +0000

Invitations to Little Lion's 1st Birthday and Naming Day are hitting our loved one's postboxes today and I thought I'd share a little of what I have planned for the day in the middle of October.

I was inspired by this lovely colour palette when I spied it..

Though initially I flirted with the idea of having a "moustache" theme I moved on to a hot air balloon theme which is a bit more "baby"-like, mostly inspired by this fabulous photo booth image (which I'm going to try to recreate for the party):

My sister-in-law has her own design business and together we came up with a handmade invitation that looks like this!

We're having a brunch in our backyard and food wise I'm making everything self serve, including these little dip & crudite cups, mini-fruit salad, mini bags of popcorn and lots of really good iced coffee and iced chocolate that we'll make the day before. The menu is actually a bit vast at the moment but with about 60 people coming I want to make sure there is a good variety on offer...and I have a massive propensity to over cater anyway...it's the European blood within my veins what can I say? :)

The party favours are fridge magnets made by Dandelyne and I always make biscuits with icing and will attempt to make them look something like these ones though my icing skills kinda suck so we'll see how that all turns out! :)

I found this super cute little outfit for Little Lion which is part of my Mum's gift to him...he's going to be super dooper adorable in this!

I'm going to put out a little colouring table for the kidlets & fill jars with crayons and make up a heap of bubble mixture too!

I'm currently a bit stuck with what to do for decorations as I don't want to spend a fortune on something we won't use again so if you have ideas I'd love to hear them!

Additionally, the celebrant has pulled out so I'll be writing the "service" myself and getting a good friend to read it out on our behalf...so, if you have ideas on that I'd love to hear from you on that too!

Lastly, the gorgeous Kathryn inspired me to ask my lovely online village if you'd like to participate in sharing your wishes for my small one? I'm putting together a book of "wishes" for him that I'm asking everyone to fill out for him:

If you'd like to print and fill it out (from here) I'd love to receive your wishes and include them in his book!

So, what do you think? Have I gone totally over the top? I hope I'm treading that fine line between nicely styled but not over the top! :)

ps. I've tried to credit the images where possible but sometimes via pinterest things get lost!

The juggle

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 02:08:00 +0000

I'm on my way to work as I type. There is nothing remarkable about this. As I inch closer to the office I am willing my blood pressure lower...you know that feeling when you have to remind yourself to take deep breaths and try to relax?

I was woken at 4 by Little Lion, fed him and got him back to bed by 4.30. I then got up to do some work and then I heard him stir again at 4.45. I wrestled with him til 5.15 when he woke Bebito who I rather forcefully insisted go back to bed. I then handed the baby over to Mr with mumbles of needing to get work done. I worked til 6 and then it was on for young and old. I made breakfast, prepared lunch for everyone, cut up fruit for Bebito to take to preschool, supervised breakfast, put away washing folded last night, emptied the dishwasher, stacked the next load in the dishwasher, showered and prettied myself & attempted to wrestle Little Lion back to bed (it didn't work!)...All before I caught the train at 8.11.

I truly had no idea this juggle, this haze of activity, is what my life would become.

I really want to slow down...make it all a bit simpler. I'm saying no, letting things go and yet this juggle is still more than my brain can handle some days. Am I silly in finding this juggle stressful? Can I live this with more grace and be more relaxed? Or is this chaos something I just need to accept?

Hit me with your wisdom!

My guide to kids' birthday parties (& a giveaway!)

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 04:55:00 +0000

Image - from here - super cute coffee and biccie in a box - I'd love a party where I got this!

If you've been hanging about these parts for a while you'll know that in my full-time work days I was an Event Manager. I now lecture future Event Managers which is much more family friendly work than the odd hours Event staff do.

I LOVE parties and I love birthdays too....I especially love kids parties and celebrating my baby's birthdays is all kinds of awesome....but I have a disclaimer....I love the kind of party that is well organised and pretty but I'm not keen on anything that looks over produced. I love a good theme and all of Bebito's parties to date have had one (see here, here and here) though and I think it works well to have one. My boys' birthdays are both coming up and we are having a "construction" mini-party for Bebito and a "hot air balloon" theme for Little Lion's 1st Birthday and Naming Day (I'll share more about that in another post).

As an event manager, I have a few tips to share about how to organise a "good" kids party for would be party planners:

- my biggest and best advice to is to know your client. I think this applies to a super swish corporate gig or to a 1st Birthday party. Who is the person you're trying to impress by having the party? Your small person? Your mother-in-law? When you know this it'll guide you as to the type of party and even the time of day.
- My second bit of advice is to focus on a few important details - maybe the cake or the decorations - the thing that is going to appeal to your client the most. The rest of it isn't so important.
- Don't get caught up in trying to make everything perfect. Good event managers have a bit of a "good enough is close enough" attitude that comes from planning things in advance and letting things fall how they will.
- Don't think you have to spend a fortune to have a good party. I've never yet spent more than a few hundred dollars on everything associated with Bebito's birthdays gone by. This is easier when you focus on only a few important things.
- Do as little as possible on the day of the party - if you're like me, you'll be worried about how the guests are getting along and making lots of food or doing lots of preparation on the day is an extra stress you don't need. For Little Lion's 1st Birthday I have chosen a menu that means I don't have to make anything on the day. Also, magazines like Donna Hay have great tips on how to organise a Christmas lunch well in advance too.
- Don't be scared to enlist the help of your loved ones with catering and ensuring the guests are enjoying themselves. My Mr is a brilliant mingler as are a couple of our friends so we know we can count on them to get around and make everyone feel welcome.
- Don't think you'll make everyone happy! There will ALWAYS be someone with a sourpuss at every gathering - they could be a three year old or indeed, your mother-in-law! As long as your "client" has a good time and you can see smiley faces about you can consider it a success!
- Do something a little bit surprising. For Little Lion's upcoming 1st Birthday and Naming Day we are getting our guests to fill out this cute little wish list card for him.
- Send thank you cards! I think this is just plain good manners but I may be a bit old fashioned about these things. I prepare these at the same time as I do the invitations.
- Plan something nice for the grown ups too - coffee or wine is a nice touch - it's not just about the kids after all but don't make it your biggest focus - remember your audience isn't the grown ups after all!
- Don't be scared to umm...."steal" ideas from other sources. Heck, that's what pinterest is all about isn't it? :) Which brings me to my giveaway! ....

Thanks to the folks at Pan Macmillan I have three copies of the soon to be released book, "Party!" that is absolutely full to the brim with excellent kids party ideas. The big themes are covered - fairy princess, space, dinosaurs, cars and trucks, craft, cooking, zoo - to mention a few. It includes decoration tips, recipes, costumes, invitations and so, so, so many ideas around each theme which really does make it a comprehensive guide to having a birthday party. Even the most nervous party planner could feel confident using this book as a guide. I think some of the ideas would work equally well for "grown up" parties too!

If you'd like to win a copy all you need to do is comment below telling me what your favourite ever birthday cake was from your childhood...or the best cake you've witnessed was. My Mama made me one of those dolls in a cake thing for my 9th birthday and I thought it was the best thing I ever did see in my entire life even though I was never really a doll kind of girl.

Good luck lovelies!

Amended....& random.org has drawn numbers 2, 11 & 6 which is Kate, Natalie & Gab. Exciting! Lovely Kate can you please send me an email to cat.beloverly@gmail.com - Nat & Gsb I'll be in touch. Congrats and thanks to all who entered! Xxx

The "fineprint":
- Open from today, Saturday September 1st 2012, through to 6pm Tuesday September 4th 2012
when I'll draw the three winners at random
- Sorry, Australian residents only
- If you'd like to tweet about the giveaway please do but leave a comment telling me you have done so
- I'll need to pass on your details to the folks at Pan Macmillan to have the book sent on to you

The only perfect parent...

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 02:06:00 +0000

I've spent a lot of time commuting to and from work by train over the last 7 years. We live directly by a train station and I work in the city so it's super convenient, if somewhat noisy.

In that time I've had cause to watch high schoolers become university students, babies become kindergarteners. It is quite a nice way to observe the passing of time. I often think it would make an interesting premise for a movie.

In the last little while I've caught the train with a Mum who takes her little man to kindy by train. She's a lot younger than me but has two small boys about my boys' ages. I don't know her beyond what I've observed on the train. Her 4 year old is just as chatty as mine and speaks with everyone with whom he makes eye contact (a familiar story to me!!). What I have noticed though is all the pensioners who start gossiping about her and the way she is parenting the minute she gets off the train. Things like...."it's hardly tshirt weather", "why on earth would she leave her child alone to go to the end of the carriage and buy a ticket?", "did you see how dirty the baby's face was?" Really, it's nothing worthwhile or constructive. It's all judgment and I think it comes from a place of unkindness. I smile at her and have had a little chat with her about my equally spirited boys.

In the last little while I've been around a lot of people my age who don't have small or even teenage kids. People who have tried to connect with me by asking questions about my children. I hesitate to engage in these conversations though. I was kind of prepared for the judgement of non-parents when I became one but what I was not prepared for was the judgement of women in my Mum & Grandma's generation.

Friday evening we attended our dear friends' wedding. Wherever I go, Little Lion pretty much must too and if the Mr is with me even more so because of his fairly major separation anxiety.

As always happens at these types of things people cooed all over my little smooshy cheeked bubba. Then as always happens, the "older" (older than me) women began their advice...they made comment on the age gap between my children as being too large, told me I should give him a dummy, told me he should not be sleeping in the baby carrier but in his pram. The old chestnuts of, "aren't you spoiling him?", "you're just creating a rod for your own back!". And then will he really notice if you give him to me to cuddle rather than you holding on to him?", "he's so smiley and happy, surely he'll be fine if I hold him?"

I was raised to treat people, particularly older people, with respect but at a certain point all the judgey just gets too much. Sometimes I let it slide, people are just offering what they believe to be helpful advice but other times it really irks me. If they thought about it for two minutes do they really think that 1. I don't know my own baby? 2. I would deliberately try to make my own life difficult and 3. That I am doing anything other than what we believe as a family to be right for us?

That is by no means saying that we aren't willing to learn new things and take advice (when asked for!) but we are doing the best we can with what we know, feel and believe.

I've mentioned before that being a mama has made me less judgey about people. I really think that this is because I understand in a real way that most people are doing the best they can.

So, on Friday night, when all the offerings of unneeded advice got too much for me, and I remembered all those old biddies gossiping on the train, I became quite irked by it all. I gave the baby a kiss on his forehead and said quietly to those around me, but not so quietly that they didn't hear, "I love you my sweet boy and I promise you I am doing the best I know how." It stunned them all to silence.

And then my Mr chimed in, as he has want to do, "The only perfect parent is one who isn't in the midst of raising a kid or who doesn't have one."

Amen!

Things that get away

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 23:28:00 +0000

Mostly, I'm really good at keeping the big picture in mind. I know what I'm trying to achieve from life for my family, for work, for home but in all the movement I'm losing the sense of what I want to achieve for myself and who I want to be.

Things that used to matter to me like haircuts and immaculate nails are just slipping away in their importance.

I used to think that what I wanted was not tied up in being a mama, a teacher, a wife, a home "maker" but at this moment, with small children in particular, I can see that this is all part of the narrative that forms me. I think that's why I struggle to write bio's abs about me pages. I hate having to bring myself down to so few elements. And when it comes down to it aren't we all a mixture of complex and simple?

I think now that the challenge for me is to balance out the things that get away ... The dusting isn't done for two weeks and I say so what with ease! ... I just hope that the things that make me "me" aren't the ones that fall along the wayside. I'm focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, surviving as best I can through this crazy busy and sleep deprived time.

Shakespeare tells us, "to thine own self be true" and my inner voice is so loud that I have never concerned myself with this previously. This time will pass, as many if you have reassured me, and I worry that I will look at my reflection one day and not recognise myself and that could possibly be my worst nightmare.

What do you do to keep true to yourself? I would love to know!

10 months

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 01:36:00 +0000

Dear Little Lion,

Earlier in the week you reached the 10 month mark. Yay for you! And yay for the rest of us too!

The last month has seen you grow a lot - two teeth, super dooper fast crawling, your first word, "Mama" (clever boy) and you're cruising around on the furniture now too. You think you're very clever indeed and smile with every new achievement you earn.

I keep waiting for things to get easier with you. I remember feeling much better about things at about this time with your brother but you aren't him and you don't react to life in the same way he does. You're slowly adjusting to being left with grandma whilst I work and she tells me there are even smiley times with you. She's asked me to give her a month to see how you cope with her and then we will revisit our options. The separation anxiety you are experiencing is breaking my heart and it keeps me awake at night (cos that's what I need, more sleeplessness!).

You are a super happy boy as long as I (and sometimes Dada) am around. You are especially happy, chatty and laugh quickly as long as you aren't expected to nap or sleep for long stretches. Your smile is so cheeky and lights up your entire being.

As my eyes adjust to the darkness of your room as I cuddle and rock you I am reminded of just how small you are. That this time of baby-ness is fleeting and will pass before I know it. I want to drink you in and any frustration over your sleep habits washes away.

I want to wrap you up and protect you forever. Just as I want to for your brother, I want to provide you with every opportunity to be happy and I most of all want you to have the secure foundation of knowing I will love you no matter what.

Happy 10 months baby boy.

All my love,
Mama
X

"You don't look like a Mama!" - a ranty pants post

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 05:47:00 +0000

Look away now if you don't want to hear a rant. Ok, well, I warned you no? ;)

But first a bit of background. It's been a long time since I bought anything new for myself....partly because shopping with two boys in tow is almost my idea of hell...partly because I'm a reformed compulsive spender and I don't want to buy for the sake of it. Two of my favourite people in the world are getting married next week in about the most casual wedding possible and I found myself in need of a feeding friendly frock. I found the most lovely one but it's a cream colour and as I'm already queen of the pasty skin I knew I'd need to colour it and myself up with accessories and make up. So after work today I ran on down to the local department store to grab some new cosmetics. I haven't bought anything other than tinted moisturiser and nailpolish since before Bebito was born so it is high time I grabbed some new things. My usual favourite cosmetic counters were either no longer there (Becca) or very busy (Chanel) so I visited a well, more "funky" counter that was pumping loud music.

I should have known! My days of funky are kind of over. The girl was helpful enough as I explained what I wanted but then tried to talk me into a tangerine lipgloss. Not me. As she sat me down to show various options I explained what I really wanted was something to make me look like I've slept well cos my smalls are really wakeful. She exclaimed, "oh my god! You don't look like a Mum! You look too good for that!" I was flabbergasted. I couldn't let it go though and asked, "what do you think a Mum should look like?" Her response was, "oh you know, kinda messy and not that nice." I know she's a young girl. I know young girls make sweeping and uninformed statements but it really made me angry that she would think that was a compliment. In my paid job I spend a lot of time with girl's her age. It upsets me that they see the world of Mama-hood like that. I really think what she said is symptomatic of what a lot of people think about Mama's. And frankly, I'm sick to my eyeballs of generalisations about the role of women and how they should look and behave.

Being a Mama has made me more tolerant, less judgey of everyone's choices in life, it's made me want to carry the "feminism" flag even more loudly and proudly than before. I have become more tolerant except when people make mean and ridiculous statements about Mama's and women's choices. This silly, glib comment is just part of the ridiculous dialogue that goes on about what kind of person a Mama is. So I asked her if she expected me to go to work in my trackies and slippers? Maybe hot rollers? She just kinda stared at me and mumbled.

Suffice to say, I didn't buy anything from the funky counter and was super glad when I spied an eye palette of shimmery perfection at Chanel!

Are you sick of dunderhead generalisations too? Go on, share!

When I look back

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 05:35:00 +0000

Image credit found via pinterest

When I look back at this year I know I'll be proud of having survived it.

My return to work hasn't gone smoothly. Work itself is good - great even! I like my lecturing work. The rest of the "stuff" isn't going so well. Little Lion is having MAJOR separation anxiety when not left in my or the Mr's care. He's sleeping woefully and I'm getting about four hours broken sleep a night on average. He's also much more mobile and needs to be left to roam within certain boundaries. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to eke out the time I need to prepare my classes. Bebito being as he is at the moment, isn't so easily entertained and more than 20 minutes a day to do "things" is not easily found. I'm involving him in chores as much as possible and we cook our meals together too. He needs my attention in order to ensure he is on track and behaving "well" and not being horrid to his brother. I have come to dread night fall as all I really want is a decent night's sleep and not to battle two children to bed, back to sleep in the middle of the night and a post 4am sleep-in. The boys in particular have been really unwell the last week too and it's been a sea of tissues, missed naps, even less sleep, vicks and lots of cuddles and back rubs. Mr was away for a few days and came home to a snotty, grotty house and a mountain of washing to fold on the bed!

When my manager rang last week to offer me an extra class a week I knew I should accept - we need the income - but I'm so worried about Little Lion I could (I did!) cry. My Ma said he screamed the whole day when I was at work last week. And then there's my Ma who suffers from her own health issues and I worry that I'm putting too much pressure on her. I haven't wanted to look at childcare for Little Lion until after he's turned one and I don't think it'll help with separation anxiety either. I'm not too sure how best to make it all work.

Usually, I'd organise myself better in order to get on top of things, get up earlier, stay up later to get work done but with Little Lion these things just aren't options that are tenable...though in reality it is what I'm going to need to do to keep on top of it all.

I wish we'd made cleverer decisions in the past and we didn't have the financial worries that we do and I had the luxury of saying no to the extra work. I'm mad at myself for being a bit of a dunderhead in years gone by...of focusing on the wrong things in life.

When I look back I'll be proud I survived but at the moment I'm just trying to keep my head above the water.

Three & a half

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 01:09:00 +0000

At the outset, let me say how very much I love and cherish this gorgeous little man pictured. He lights up my life. I'm so incredibly grateful to have him. His sheer existence has made me the person I am today. I've practiced my Mama skills on him and because of him I'm a better Mama the second time around than I was the first.

Him being three and a half though has seen me face the biggest challenges in my Mama-dom to date. He is so incredibly demanding of constant attention from us...he is quick to temper....he is a mix of incredible independence and dependence....totally defiant and has forgotten how to listen....he is stubborn yet gives up incredibly easy too.Worst of all he's rough with his brother and more than occasionally outright mean - biting his finger so hard that blood came out. Meal times are ridiculously lengthy and unless it's a super favourite meal like pasta, pizza or fish we deal with a tantrum about what's been set in front of him, even though he likes to eat most food. When Mr went to pick him up from drama class on the weekend the teacher asked Mr to "have a word" with him about listening and actually participating in the class properly. And don't even get me started on his complete refusal to toilet train.

We are incredibly consistent in our parenting the same rules apply every day regardless. We also follow through with any "threats" such as taking away toys. I try my darndest to offer him a variety of play and activities that will keep his busy mind occupied and interested whilst still giving him the opportunity to play independently and use his imagination.

If I paid him my full attention all day every day he would be the most charming, delightful little man and he can be these things often too. He's incredibly loving, clever, creative and fun too.

I have a baby who needs my attention too, I have "jobs" around the house and I have both paid work and crafting orders to take care of. I cannot pay him attention all day every day and I'm absolutely certain I don't want him to be reliant on us for company constantly. Part of me worries that he is an incredibly sociable little boy who is missing the company of other kids now. Will he be happier when he's at kindy 2.5 days a week? Part of me knows that some of this is just his age. Part of me knows this is about him exerting some control where he has not as much as the grown ups in his life.

We have been speaking to the wonderful Nathalie at easypeasykids who has helped us over the last few months with all manner of excellent tips and we've made improvements in some areas using her great techniques of using visual aids and using "magic" ting tongs to assist with eating. These have been really helpful and we've worked through some issues. Though it seems every time we work through one set of "issues" a new lot comes up.

I never wish away the age my children are at - I love each stage and age and my boys for who they are, I'm just lacking the know how and the energy to deal as wonderfully with 3 and a half as I would like to.

For those of you with 3 and a half year olds now and in the past have you found this a challenging stage too? How did you deal with it?

The pursuit of simplicity

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 04:54:00 +0000

It's been a long time between posts for me....maybe longer than since I started blogging.

I have lots of recipes to share, some Mama things I want to express and some thoughts about changing our family life - it's taking a lot of energy for us all to adjust to my return to work. Things both are and aren't going so well but we are slowly getting there. Bebito is LOVING preschool which is a big relief.

I can feel that I'm at the beginning of a new journey in my life - I'm not sure what it is yet - but it's a new beginning and as a not quite reformed control freak all this turbulence and uncertainty is making me feel a bit anxious.

The good thing about knowing that a new beginning is on it's way is being open to new things and when I spied this on Facebook (which I also uploaded to my own Facebook page) I knew that this needs to become my new manifesto for myself.

I've been thinking some time about how we can really simplify our lives and live an honest, authentic life...I did name this year as the year of simplicity for me as my new year's resolution too but I've been sidetracked somehow. I'm inspired by the wondrous Kathryn over at Cloud Love Baby who I admire so very, very much who lives in the way I want to. I'm really looking for ways that we can live a "good" life free of all the silliness that complicates life - over materialism, petty politics and needless drama.

Things might change around here in the next little while as I work towards all of this. I've got a lot of work to do in order to achieve what I want but as always, it's one step at a time.

Lurching

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 00:07:00 +0000

This week has seen me on tenterhooks. I have, over the years, taught myself to be less dramatic, not so mood swing-y. If 15 year old me could see 37 year old me she wouldn't recognise the fairly patient and even tempered self that I am now.

It's been a week of big change. Bebito's first afternoon at pre-school, my first day back at work properly today and the first time my Mama had been left with Little Lion in her care.

I've felt wretched all week. Like I am about to throw up at any moment.

It's been a week of mixed success. Bebito loved preschool and didn't sang to come home. Little Lion didn't cope at all well without Mr or me. The house looks like a bombsight. Shouty Mama has made more of an appearance this week than in the last three years combined I think. My poor babies. My poor husband.

I don't feel at all prepared to take my classes as finding time to prepare my work has been challenging. I brought a new book that I've been saving (the new Murakami) with me on my train journey to work so I can still my mind but my thoughts are flitting about and I can't concentrate. The preschooler commentating our journey in precisely the manner Bebito would is not helping me quieten either.

I feel like I'm lurching - straining to move forward - uncertain in every way. At this moment I'm questioning everything. Maybe we should sell the house? Travel? Tree change? Maybe I should look for work that isn't contract & work my bum off so we can have more financial freedom? Maybe I should stop blogging, close my little shop, shut down my twitter account? Is it really that important? What is "the point"? Maybe I should go back to Uni? Maybe I should pay the money to hire that baby whisperer so we can all get more sleep?

I have no answers...One thing is for sure, I'm lurching on.......

Nine months

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Sat, 14 Jul 2012 04:24:00 +0000

Dearest Little Lion,

Yesterday saw you become nine months old. As your Dada says, "you're longer out than in now" which is a reminder of how fast time is flying by.

The last few weeks have seen big developments - you're tentatively crawling, have started giving high 5's, clapping along to music and you've finally taken to solid food with a gusto.

The last few weeks have also seen your sleep patterns worsen and I'm utterly exhausted. You're waking up at night for hours on end and many, many times. It's probably a bit boring for you to read that (when you do read it). You wake your brother and even your Dada who can sleep in a moving dinghy with your tears and screams. It's not an easy time for any of us. Least of all you who has no means of telling us what we can do to help you sleep better.

The next week will see some big changes too. Grandma will start caring for you regularly as I go back to work. Dada will too. I won't lie and tell you that I think you'll like it cos I know you won't. You're a Mama's boy after all.

You're starting to show other elements of your personality now too. You are determined and don't give up easily, you're quicker to smile and laugh and heaven help me, you're a chatter too.

I love watching you in your babyhood. Your brother was in a super big hurry to grow up but you live your life at a cruisieur pace which is a refreshing change from the rest of us.

Happy 9 months baby boy. It's an honour to be your Mama.

Love always,
Mama

Bittersweet

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 12:34:00 +0000

I just finished filling out the twenty bazillion forms for Bebito to start his pre-entry term at preschool next week.

I was totally ok with it all until now....well, worried about him but ok. It was all quite logical until now. The minute I folded the forms it all hit me. My baby, my heart, he's about to take his first real grown up step. He's going to be doing things on his own, experiencing things that will hurt him, teach him, help him grow....

In the next week, we'll be preparing him in small ways. We've only just talked about it briefly until now. We felt there was no point making a big song and dance, especially for something that will only be happening a few hours a week. He's really confused about why his Dad, Grandma or me won't be there too. He's got little frame of reference for doing things without one of the three of us.

He's so ready to learn new things, be around other children his age more. He's increasingly anxious as he grows. It's clear that things worry him and play on his mind. As much as he's confident and self assured he's also extremely sensitive. Night terrors are on the increase for him.

I will hide my tears as best I can as he takes these steps. I'm excited for him but also incredibly sad that an era is ending. It's definitely bittersweet.

I would love to hear your advice on how you managed your small through the start of kindy/preschool and how you felt about it too!

Diary of a cloudy mind

noreply@blogger.com (Cat) — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 05:35:00 +0000

Scene: kitchen, Casa Be Loverly, Cat is attempting to load the dishes in the dishwasher after making a load of mini pizzas with Bebito

Voiceover:
"Man, I'm tired, perhaps I'll have a coffee shortly? I wonder how much longer the baby will sleep for? Is that Bebito calling me again? Oh man, why can't he play on his own for just five minutes so I can get these dishes in the dishwasher? Isn't domestic drudgery just great fun? I wonder if I put too much chilli in the pumpkin soup for dinner and if it'll impact the baby when he feeds? Oh look, there's that $900 electricity bill, I must ring them to ask if I can have an extension on the due date cos if I'm late I won't get the loyalty discount. I wonder how many people get that discount anyway? Oh shit, Bebito is making WAY too much noise and will wake the baby now, I better go see what on earth he's doing. Oh crap, did I just step on a matchbox car? I think I broke it. I hope it's not one of his favourites but what the fuck is it doing in the hall anyway? How many times has he been told to not leave them there? I better go check the mail in a minute, I wonder if that fabric has arrived? I really would like to do some sewing today but really, I should do some prep for my classes that start next week instead. But oh, wait, I better get on to that order I received overnight. I can't believe I'm due to go back to work next week. Thank goodness the baby has started eating better but I so hope he'll be ok with Grandma and she will be ok with the two of them and they don't kill her! I wonder if she'll cook dinner for us when I'm at work? Maybe I'll have to organise the slow cooker to make all of us dinner on the days when I work? I'm so glad I've finally found some decent recipes for it. Will Mum eat that though or should I send meals home with her for her & Bako to eat? What time is it again? I'd like to rest a little this afternoon if I can. When's the baby due to wake? Oh look, there's the baby!"

Scene end

ps. Tell me that your internal dialogue is somewhat like that so I don't feel completely bonkers!