BELOW THE BELT

Machismo and its Discontents

2008-07-24T14:50:00.007-04:00

I’m alive! I finally moved away from Little Havana after an incident in which I was shot at by some obnoxious hoodlums for looking weird in the wrong side of town; that day I learned that cheap rent does not merit the risk of getting killed while walking home on a typical weeknight. When will the day come when insecure gun slinging macho dopes don’t feel the need to compensate by shooting at “queers” for walking down the street?

In all honesty I cannot caste the first stone. I am also guilty of machismo, and while it is not as blatant as it is with your typical Marlboro man, it is by no means less destructive. I catch myself often trying to play up my masculine traits when in certain situations: e.g. if I am around girls whom I want to impress, guys whom I want to intimidate, or peacocks who invade my turf. This compulsion is so primal and conflictive with my own gender identity and intellect; yet till now I have blinded myself to it enough to not do much to eliminate it. So why does Machismo exist? What is it and what purpose does it serve?

You may be thinking “How can an androgyne claim to be macho?” Well in my case the answer is quite simple; all of my young life I was raised to be a “normal” boy and that includes being instilled with all the chauvinistic values that our society believes normal boys should have (aggressiveness, dominance, double standards, misogyny, stupidity?). While I’ve come to surpass many of those artificial values intellectually, there are still moments in which certain emotions cloud my rationality thereby compelling me to reduce myself to a stereotype. Shame and guilt factor heavily in bringing out the macho in anyone; I find that when I feel the need to swell my pride it is usually in a situation where I feel insecure for showing a lack of appropriate masculine traits; this however has slowly been changing the more I’ve conquered said insecurities.

A quote that I find very relevant to this issue is from a song by Madonna entitled “What it feels like for a girl” in which she says “Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots cause its ok to be a boy. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading…” The pop queen may be no Dalai Llama, but she’s definitely onto something with that song. The lyrics reflect the idea that boys are engrained with the mindset that displaying feminine traits make them somehow inferior and that such things must be avoided; this is a terrible reality which we must change at all costs. Boys are raised to feel that having feelings or displaying “feminine” behaviour makes them somehow inferior, and it’s that kind of backwards education that scars people for life and prevents them from being able to enjoy healthy and happy lives in the future.

Ardhanārīśvara is a little known Hindu deity who represents the essence of androgyny; this deity is the avatar of both the god Shiva and his lover Parvati. It embodies both masculine (Shiva) and feminine (Parvati) traits thereby making it superior to its individual counterparts. The beauty behind Ardhanārīśvara is that it comes to symbolize the wholeness of both genders as one; in this way we also see how human beings are more complete when they renounce the restrictive chains imposed by society’s gender binary; hetero-normative type castes reduce human beings into mere stereotypes incapable of being true to themselves due to societal pressure to be otherwise.

My inability to feel comfortable enough to not feign certain artificial masculine traits is an example of socially enforced restraints combined with personal insecurity; I have found myself emotionally bound and incapable of being true to myself because I live with the shame that my conservative upbringing has instilled in me. However, admitting this has helped me remove the vestments of machismo and double standards that have cost me from having healthy relationships in the past; acceptance is the first step after all, but by no means the last.

True security in oneself cannot be found unless one comes to embrace oneself wholly, thereby allowing one to feel free to be oneself regardless of the situation.

Till next time…

Beginnings

2008-07-22T09:17:00.001-04:00

According to the ספר תורה, the Jewish Holy Book Torah (or teachings), in the Beginning God created basically everything. In seven days. Clearly, the beginning is both a time for bold vision and to get to work. I think I’ll do the same:

This is the beginning of a regular column that concerns spirituality and gender. So, in honor of doing things big in the beginning, I’m going to tackle what I think of as a great biggie – the creation of Adam and Eve. It’s a story about gender, it’s a story about religion. Seems like a good place to start.

To quote from the King James translation (1611) of the Torah text, Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.” This is the text most of us are most familiar with. In Martin Luther’s translation, which is legendary for the research Luther did in the language of the German people, “man” is not the “man” we’re used to seeing, it’s “men” as in “humankind” (1522). The reason I’m interested in this particular text? Gender.

King James the 1st of England and 6th of Scotland was successor and cousin to Elizabeth I, daughter of King Henry VII. James’s mother was Mary, Queen of Scotts, who Elizabeth had killed by mistake (ooops, sorry!). Elizabeth’s own birth required the creation of a whole new branch of Christianity! (And you thought you had drama in your family.) James was also a raving, infamous homosexual. True he produced an heir to the throne, but he also made his male lover 1st Duke of Buckingham, creating a duchy for him, and elevating him in the Court. The Duke, George Villiers, was known even to wear the King’s Royal Seal around his waistline on a chain, dangling it very near his own genitals. This King is the same man for whom the clerics of the time dedicated the King James Bible.

There are a few books written about the translation of the King James Bible, the most fun to read is Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why, by Bart D. Ehrman. It’s a fun, politically framed look at the men who guided and executed the translating.

What does all of this have to do with gender? Well, the King James translation sets us directly into a model of bifurcation regarding gender. God created man, and then woman. There is one, or there is the other. In Luther’s translation, it can be argued, that God created people. No defined dualism, but perhaps a continuum.

Do I think that the dualistic view of man and woman in the King James Bible is a reaction, and admonishment of a ruler given to flouting gender? Yes.

Since this Bible is most widely read book in English over the last almost 400 years now, it has put us in a mind about the dualistic nature of gender. Man and Woman. Just two choices. But we students of gender know that just two choices is insufficient – there is really a continuum.

As a religious person, it saddens me, and well frankly angers me, that some people have used this Book to beat others literally and figuratively. It is not the book of my religion, but it is still the one that most of the American culture thinks of when they think of religion. There are many other cultures around the world that have a less stringent idea of what gender expression in. As a people who are searching their souls about gender, many know more about it than I do. In future columns I hope to explore these other realities.

People who have worked hard enough on themselves to question their perceived gender know more than a little about soul searching. You don’t endure wearing a lot of pink when all you really want is a Tonka truck, as a kid without having to think about a lot of things to survive.

If there is a God, what does S/He want? Ultimately I believe that God wants you (and me) to enjoy our bodies and our whole selves. God gains nothing when you’re unhappy and unsettled. Your body may not be the one you’d choose from a catalog, but really, whose is?

As this column progresses I hope that together we can find ways to celebrate our bodies. Whether you were born with the parts you wanted or not, you are a whole and complete being. We need to find a way to have joy in that. We need to find a way to hands down, really get into digging ourselves as we are, and as we plan to (or not) change them surgically.

May whatever you consider Holy, companion with you on your journey. May you gather the strength to accept the Love that the Universe is offering you.

Salaam, Shalom, en fe la paz, and Amen.

Uncertainty

2008-07-21T09:12:00.001-04:00

Dear Ethan,

I’ve debated in my head about whether or not it would be a good or bad idea to write a blog entry about someone who may actually read the entry… like you. You may be reading this now. And if you are reading this now, I’m going to ask that you stop reading unless you want to deal with the consequences of what you’re about to read. Or, I suppose you could continue reading and then a) tell me that you did read it and then be perfectly okay with the consequences or b) pretend that you never read it and keep things going exactly where we left off. Or, you could stop here and simply deal with uncertainty. But then again, that’s really where we left off anyhow. At least the way I see it.

At the beginning of the summer, my colleague and friend Jen told me I should meet you. Why? I wondered, Why would I have any interest in meeting one of our college interns? Unless I had some sort of task that required an intern’s assistance, I’m not sure I had any desire to relive my college years and gallivant with the same folks who, at one of the earlier summer parties, ripped their shirts off and ran into the middle of the street downing beers before tossing them into some neighbor’s bushes. Yes, I thought at that very moment, that’s exactly the kind of presence I need in my life.

I ran into you at various functions through the summer: at a meeting after a panel or performing errands at our office, for example. All in all, however, you were in the periphery—just one of the many people running around our busy summer headquarters.

Then, on our last Thursday of the summer work calendar, I arrived at a bar to have a drink, and you were sitting with my friends. I sat beside you because it was the only seat empty, and in my polite small talk, you found ways to grab my interest. After comparing ever-so-superficially German and United States court decisions, it was pretty obvious: you’re very smart. And mature. I hadn’t met a smart mature gay man in a long time. I mean, I know a handful of smart mature gay men—most of which I met in college—but most of them aren’t in Texas. And most of them aren’t in their early twenties. In my two years of Texas living and bar-hopping, I hadn’t met any smart mature young gay men at all.

But what impressed me most was that I attempted to box you in as this elite private school academic snob and you kept breaking through that type. You ordered more drinks—not a cognac or wine as I wanted your type to order, but girly drinks: cranberry vodka. You forced me to take stupid online quizzes. You gossiped. You didn’t laugh; you giggled. And when you left early that night, our table grew a little more boring.

With our summer work calendar coming to a close, I thought that that’d be our only interaction, but the next day (and the day after that, and the day after that…) proved me wrong. The next night, I met up with some friends on your team at yet another bar… and there again you were. You were there, however, with another guy. Ah, I noted, of course. The smart ones are either awkward or taken. You were the latter. So I chatted with my friends and caught up with some folks who I hadn’t seen through the busy summer, and the next thing I knew, your man was gone. And so we talked. And it was, as was the night before, a good talk. I found out more about this balance that you strike—this socio-political scientist who also preys after donuts like nobody’s business. Again, you broke through the box. I wanted you to be vegetarian—maybe even vegan! Neither. To my disappointment, you were pretty normal. The intelligent kind of normal.

I found myself wishing that I hadn’t just met you in our last few days of work, but I checked myself. I knew you were really friendly, and it was in my best interest—and your best interest—that I read your behavior as that. In the closing days of our work calendar, I couldn’t think of our interactions as anything but. And also… you had a guy. I wasn’t going to interfere with that.

The next day was our organization’s end-of-summer party, and our overlap of friends decided to go to the same post-party at a local gay club. Your man-friend was going to meet you there, but in the time we passed waiting for him, you again proved to be good company. We talked about homosexuality and identity construction, and you asked me at some point if you had won the debate, and I said no, but I was just too afraid to say yes you did and admit my rusty sociological theory. I think I pushed your buttons too much and dropped the subject, and when we went inside the packed club—your first gay club—I dropped all thoughts of academia more permanently.

We danced. I hadn’t danced with a guy in a long time. I had forgotten how good it felt. You weren’t some random drunken guy. You weren’t looking for anything else aside from a good time on the dance floor. It was just us and the dance floor, the pulsing of the lights, the onset of fog, and the energy of the music.
It felt good to be dancing with someone who I knew was an even better person on the inside.

When your guy finally showed up, I backed off. Or, in your words, you asked me to Leave room for Jesus. I did. I avoided you for the rest of the night. And when I drove off with our friends and left you there with your guy, I can’t say that I wasn’t disappointed that I hadn’t met you first.

Less than an hour later, you called our friend Keena. She was sitting across from me at a late-night diner, and you didn’t know where your car was. She passed the phone to me, and I gave you directions to where you parked. We hung up, and three minutes later, you called again. Still, no car. She passed the phone to me, and this time, I said I’d be right there.

And at 2:30am, I drove back to the club and to your parking spot, and you were right: your car wasn’t there. That’s when I unlocked the passenger side door and let you in. This wasn’t the late night I was anticipating…

To be continued…

Get well fast, alibee!

2008-07-19T15:37:00.001-04:00

One of our contributors, alibee, has been having some medical hardships. We just wanted to take this opportunity to say that she's in our thoughts and we wish her a speedy recovery. '

Come back soon, alibee!!"

Professionalization

2008-07-14T14:26:00.003-04:00

Since some of my close buds are going through the painstaking process of finding that first job after college, I thought I’d share a little 2-years-out reflection on the whole working in the real world thing:

College was a time when I spent a great deal of effort on coming to terms with my sexuality and learning how to negotiate this new "self" with my old and new networks – friends, family, peers, etc. Graduating and finding a great first job was, for me, my way of proving to myself and to the world that even though I was a wishy-washy liberal and activist…I could do just as well as people who had not gone through what I did and probably majored in something more practical like business.

I started my job hunt the December before graduation, sending resumes to over 200 companies in the field I thought I wanted to work in. I landed a job right as graduation neared, and moved to New York City in late June.

Let me be the first to tell you that life sucked. Even though I lived in the beautiful West 70s (we found the perfect place) and I had a great job in the business world, adjusting to a regular work schedule – waking up at 7am, getting to work at 8:30am, returning home at 6:30pm, eating, and going to bed to start the whole process again in the morning – made me feel like life was over. I was exhausted by the end of the day, and I no longer had the time to just…do things that made me happy. Work was okay, but didn’t make me happy the way I hoped it would. One month in, I started thinking about grad school and the possibility of looking for a new job.

The reality is that this feeling is pretty common for people coming out of the college; for me, this period lasted about 4 months, and then I started doing a lot better – I adjusted to my schedule, I realized that I didn’t like my field too much and slowly kept my eyes peeled for new opportunities, and I discovered coffee. Five months after starting my first job, I landed Perfect Job in Ideal Field, and now life, for the most part, is quite good.

I do have to express, though, that this transition many people go through after graduating college is reflective of a highly privileged upbringing – I never had to work a great number of hours for a job I didn’t entirely like while trying to balance a million other things, like my finances, my apartment, schooling, a family, etc. But this aside, I think the difficulties privileged folks like myself undergo when transitioning to the working world are reflective of something interesting from a sociological perspective: transitioning to the workforce and to be successful in many workplaces/fields – “becoming a professional” – is kind of an identity struggle in and of itself.

There are moments now, as I’m becoming comfortable in the workplace and confident in my ability to do work, when I realize I’ve become “a professional”. When someone calls for me on the phone I reflexively act happy and excited to hear from them, and grateful for the good work they’ve brought to the table. When I sit in a meeting, I always bring a notepad and pen and I try to anticipate questions about anything that might be brought up during the meeting. I offer to help with others’ projects I may not have anything to do with. I am outgoing at work, I always ask how people are doing, how their weekends were, what they’re doing for the holiday. My work identity has, in many ways, been institutionalized -- and it's crazy because those who knew me a few years ago knew me as a very shy, almost socially defunct kind of guy. In some ways I kind of like this new personality I can turn on. I feel that it has helped me to be more successful at work.

Obviously this institutionalized identity can have its problems. What if, for whatever reason, you are unable to fit this behavioral image of “the professional”? What if the ideals of the office are such that other identities (gender/sex/sexuality/ethnicity/socioeconomic status) create a discomfort in the office that causes short term problems and prevents long term growth? And further, what if you become this “professional”, and lose behaviors associated with your original identity to this new, fairly superficial, work-driven way of life? I don’t know that I necessarily want to instinctively start small talk every time I talk to someone. Isn’t that a little fake?

I guess it all comes to finding that balance. Some people – people I’m sure we all know – become the Stepford Robots about everything…work, social life, etc. A lot of them lose flexibility in life. Transitioning to the workforce is rough and can be very demanding, but just make sure that you create a space for yourself. Some of us start blogs, but I’m sure there are other ways to do this, too. :)

Housekeeping, 7.13.08

2008-07-13T18:56:00.003-04:00

+ news +
bi + trans =/= dating!?,
Facebook and gender trouble...again,
and trans life post college for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

"let him open the pickle jar"

2008-07-11T17:58:00.003-04:00

Earlier this week, I woke up with back pain and stayed home from work. Whenever this happens, I always try to watch two TV shows I don't normally get to see: Oprah and Jeopardy. I happened to catch a rerun of Oprah that featured Matchmaker & Dating Coach Patti Novak. Patti offered her "expert" advice on why so many wonderful women in their 30s are single, and what they can do about.

Much of the advice was truly useful - don't treat a first date like an interview, treat it like a date. Don't be competitive and try to one up your date. Etc.

But then Patti got to talking about men and women and how sometimes a man wants to feel like a man. Fair enough. Women today are so independent and successful, we're used to doing everything ourselves. But sometimes you want your man to feel like you need him. Well, I can't argue with that, everyone wants to feel like their partner needs them in some way.

Patti's solution? Let your man open the pickle jar.

Uh ..... what?

I get what she's saying, but she completely missed the mark on what it takes to feel like a man, or what exactly might be missing for men in these relationships with super independent women. Now, I don't have much first hand experience in other types of relationships, but I have a lot of experience in male/female romantic relationships, so I think I know something about hetero guys. And I don't think letting him "open the pickle jar" (or insert your favorite physical activity here) is going to give him his manliness back.

I think what Patti should have gotten at, is that your partner wants to feel needed. Regardless of gender or orientation, a person wants to feel like they bring something to the romantic relationship, and bring something to their partner that their partner didn't have before - love, support, a listening ear, a hand to hold - literally or figuratively, a person wants to feel somewhat like their partner depends on them. Needs them. Appreciates them. It's not exactly a pickle jar, but it's a way of saying "I need you around." Or, even "you complete me."

I was just completely flabbergasted that a "Dating Expect" seems to think that the problem of "men not feeling like men" can be solved by letting your man open a jar. I mean at least use an example that a 10-year-old girl most likely fulfill - like lift a 100 pound box. Or I don't know, use an example that might actually be meaningful in a relationship? I mean, I wish she had said "well, you know Oprah ... men are from Mars and women are from Venus."

I think I'll continue to open my own jars (unless they are super tight, and, say, I just bench pressed half my weight), but when I've had a bad day, or I need an opinion on something important, I think I'll ask my husband. And I think that will help our relationship way more than any damn pickle jar.

Fannie's Farewell

2008-07-09T10:26:00.008-04:00

Below the Belt is now one year and eight months old, we’ve had over 100,000 unique readers from around the world, and been host to twenty-three amazing writers across 284 posts. Our writers, regulars and guests alike, have started some amazing discussions – from talks about racial fetishes to bug chasing to trans social politics to tirades about gay sexuality and sexism in Mexico.

As with every publication, we expect writers and readers to come and go over time…but one writer in particular will be shoving off, and we have to make a note. After thoughtfully answering over 40 questions, Fannie will be retiring her tiara at BTB as a regular columnist, and will join us on a more infrequent basis as a guest contributor. Come back often, Fannie!

Looking to the future, we welcome new regular contributors – [f]embody, silverscreened and tokenstr8dude! And for those of you out there itching for a platform to make your voice heard, drop me a line!

Cheers,
-t.s.

Cut your hair!

2008-07-03T11:21:00.007-04:00

I never hear the end of it - if it’s not my father it’s some random octogenarian screaming it out of his second story window. In case you haven’t guessed I have long hair, which apparently for male bodied individuals is not all too acceptable. Hell, there are still so many people out there who see long hair on a man as so uncouth that it can often factor into whether or not you’ll do well in interviews and get a job. Hell, even my dad has told me that he wouldn’t hire a guy with long hair at all.TI am past the stage of putting up pretenses of masculinity; I accept my gender identity as fluid and androgynous as my gender identity is an eclectic fusion of what is considered typically masculine and typically feminine (a.k.a. I am me). However - like many others I’m sure - I’ve found it quite difficultto balance my freedom of self expression while simultaneously trying to succeed in gender-cautious world. Why is this a problem in what should be a modern society?

The truth is that in our time gender expression is not considered a right; therefore there is little that can be done legally to defend our rights against discriminatory corporate practices. If you’re reading this blog, surely I do not have to delve into the details of gender discrimination; however if you’ll give me the time of day, I would like to share with some of what I’ve been dealing with since beginning my little foray into the work place.

I’m currently working on an internship down in Miami- yes I know! Great beaches, beautiful people, and sunny weather – what could one possibly not like? Well, due to gas prices and a limited stipend, I can only afford to live in low socio-economic region of historic Little Havana, a place with more than its fair share of both crime and traditional old world values. Living here is turning into quite an educational experience since, for the first time, I am living outside of my sheltered college environment; here, appearances can make the difference between employment and unemployment, and in some cases…even between getting home safely at night and being accosted for being “a queer.”

I would never say that the people here are bad; there is an abundance of good people if anything. It’s just that many of them adhere to hetero-normative guidelines as if there were some sort of biblical mandate to do so. Unfortunately, due to (I think) the crime rate in the area, there are a number of macho hoodlums who in their late night drunken stupor wouldn’t refrain from throwing more than just a few hurtful words in the direction of a “queer” passerby.

Since moving here I’ve been scared to wear anything that might arouse unwanted attention, ranging from skinny jeans, couture tops and a dash of eye makeup to add glamour to the night. When I do go out I feel compelled to put on a façade; being this way on a regular basis is really taking its toll on me. Many of you know that it’s not easy pretending to be a hetero-normative cookie cut-out just to make it through life safely and with a roof over your head. Such repression can slowly over time grate at your sanity.

If being scared to be myself on the streets weren’t enough, I have to contend with similar gender repressive attitudes at work. Considering the temperatures in Miami regularly hit the 90’s it’s a little less than desirable to wear long sleeved shirts, let alone a suit. Understandably, many of my female bodied co-workers opt to wear sandals (with heels of course), short skirts, and tube tops. etc,,,. So I, the only male bodied employee aside from my boss, decided I would wear some nice leather sandals to work – which seemed an acceptable addition to my business casual ensemble at the time. Clearly my boss didn’t think so; it was apparently enough to warrant an e-mail blast with a friendly reminder of the company’s dress code values, cleverly targeted to me. I just recently discovered that another supervisor actually defended me by pointing out that he has never addressed the breeches of dress code amongst the female staff. There’s no doubt in my mind that if it were purely up to him, the entire office would resemble an episode of “Sabado Gigante.”I would really like to see how he would address the dress code if I were to just show up in drag wearing the same sort of revealing clothing the women in the office are allowed to wear.

All problems aside, I am confident that just as society has changed in the past, things will change for the future; I just hope that it happens during my lifetime. All I really want is to be in a world where people accept and appreciate gender diversity, where everyone can be free to explore the full spectrum of human potential that is often fractionalized by societal pre-conceptions of what gender appropriate behaviour should be. I guess it’s just going to take the intrepid few who are willing to sacrifice their comfort and safety to pave the way for true change. Hopefully I can come to play a part in that change as well. Oh and by the way, I’m not cutting my hair- well aside from the occasional trim, that is.

IFGE 2008

2008-06-30T20:09:00.013-04:00

Each year there is an International Foundation on Gender Education conference. This April one took place in Tucson, AZ where I met and photographed an incredibly diverse group of people and their words. The next will take place in Washington, DC!

Read on to see some of the women, and what they had to say about themselves and gender.

F to F

Androgynous Power

Hard Femme

To see more, Check out Gender DiverCity

Housekeeping, 6.29.08

2008-06-29T10:57:00.002-04:00

+ news +
Michelle on the gays,
"I'm a Girl", ABC News-style,
and, most importantly, complexities of the NYS gay marriage thing for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

AskFannie: Observations on Trans Sexuality!

2008-06-27T11:05:00.003-04:00

Hey Fannie,

I’m a 27 year old gay man, and I’ve been getting more involved with activism, especially trans-activism. I’ve noticed that a lot of lesbians date trans-men, but it doesn't seem to work the other way around. Why don't I see more gay men date trans-women? In fact, now that I think about it, I think I've only ever heard of trans people dating other queer people is when trans-men date lesbians. Why is this? Am I just ridiculously out of the loop?

Trying to Understand

Dear Trying,

First off, good for you sticking up for our trans siblings! We need more "conventional" homos to get behind supporting rights for our entire community and stop cutting out the T when the going gets tough.

Your question is one of those that I can't really answer. I'm not a sociologist and there aren't really studies out there on this kind of topic. So... I can only speculate. And since I'm going to enter the realm of hypothetical, I first want to say that I am far from an expert on the trans experience, so I welcome the input of my trans siblings out there to speak their minds.

The first thing that comes to mind is a book I read by the brilliant Julia Serano, "Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity." In it, Serano talks about many of the struggles Trans people and transwomen in particular face. One thing that I found interesting in her writing was how she felt feminism failed transwomen. Serano talks about how femininity as a set of traits and behaviors associated with female people (i.e. emotional, caring, cooperative, etc.) have been systematically devalued without regard to what kind of bodies are performing or embodying them. So basically, whether it's a cissexual woman subscribing to traditional gender performance, a transsexual woman acting "hyperfeminine" (as frequently accused of by feminists), or femme nelly bottoms getting their queen on; any performance of femininity is seen as an affectation, a falsehood, and a weakness. Conversely, masculinity, to varying degrees is on the whole elevated and rewarded. Being rational, level-headed, strong, and opinionated are all traits that we see as being desirable and natural.

So it makes sense to see transmen, who are marked by masculinity and therefore marked for success, achieve greater amounts of success in relationships with people, queer or otherwise. And similarly this may explain for the trend we see in transwomen not being considered desirable romantic partners by gay men. Especially since gay male culture is so addicted to testosterone, gay men practically worship the ideals of masculinity. Don't believe me? Walk a beautiful, lithe, muscular man in front of a bunch of queens and watch the conversation suddenly halt as they gawk.

It isn't only transwomen who feel the brunt of this war on the femmes. Take a look at any gay social networking site (and I use the term "social networking" lightly) and you'll find sexism plastered all over the place. "No femmes, no fats, no asians." (We'll get into the "asian" bit in another post... I have far too much to say about sexual racism than what can fit here)

Serano described a similar trend in her experience in the trans community. She found that transwomen, especially those that subscribed to traditional feminine gender performance were often scorned by the trans and genderqueer community, even though transmen often exhibited traditional masculine gender performance. She calls this valuing of subversive gender performance over that of conventional gender performance as subversivism.

So, a long story short, Trying. I don't know why you and I don't know more transwomen who date gay men. I'm sure they're out there. There are plenty of hypotheses out there why this seems to be the way things play out, but the fact of the matter is that no one really knows and we should focus on keeping our minds open and broadening our horizons, social, romantic, and sexual.

Again, I invite those with much more expertise and experience with trans folk to weigh in on the conversation.

Fiercely,
Fannie

send your questions in to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

How Being Macho Made Me Depressed and Alone

2008-06-24T14:21:00.002-04:00

Machismo is one of those things that many people generally understand as something that men use to cover up their insecurities. Slick cars, action movies, porn, muscles, being a dick, etc. - none of which are inherently bad (except being a dick) but all of which contribute to the stereotype of your average macho jerk. Still, machismo is much more pervasive than that and is probably the biggest issue your average man has to battle with. I have the same issue in my own unique way just as most men do.

I have this idea of myself as a strong independent passionate man – and I am one. But I find that with this idea I often may be stifling myself by not making the right choices in my life and not truly living life as the emotional creature that humans are. I don’t even remember the last time I cried. But by the same token of machismo I can’t really get past my own rationalization for why I didn’t need to cry at all the times I should have. I have a pretty thoughtful insightful mind and, having been a nerd my whole life, I’ve spent a lot of time being introspective and thinking things through so as not to get too upset by them. The problem with this is that there’s a dangerously thin line between dissecting your feelings and ignoring them.

I want to feel. I want to hurt. I want to cry. And for some reason I just plain haven’t been able to for years now. There’s been a few times here and there but I can honestly say in the last 5 years I’ve probably only cried 3 or 4 times – that’s less than once a year and none of them were me bawling by any means. I just can’t figure it out.

I’ve realized that maybe my independence is blocking my emotions. I’ve realized that I’m not nearly as independent as I thought myself to be. I’m very strong willed in what I believe, I’m very extroverted, I’m not at all shy – but I’ve also learned that I desperately need other people’s influence in my life. I can’t be creative unless someone is pushing me on. I can’t get physically active unless someone else inspires me to do so. I can barely even get up in the morning without hearing one of my roommates get up as well. And, even after trying to shy away from my mom’s often negative influence I still go to her with questions knowing she’s going to give the wrong answer (or at least the answer that worries WAY too much) just so I have someone to listen to that I know cares about me.

Men need input. We shy away from it, we like to remain strong but we really fucking need it. Not getting input, not talking about our emotions is what leads us to be those pissed off, middle-aged, unhealthy assholes who everyone hates (most people call them ‘dads’). I can feel stress building in my heart and I can feel myself getting a bit more edgy and snappier; in short, becoming more of a dick. I want that ‘feminine’ side of me to come out, I want to feel and be loving and be nice but the fact that I’m so miserable in the shell of life I’ve created for myself I sometimes feel like I’m losing my ability to relate. I work a boring job where I sit on my ass all day dreaming about death staring at a computer monitor. I am single and alone. I have a job where I get reprimanded for being ‘too nice and talkative’ when I am one of the most talkative people I know. I need to make that change in my life where I do what I want, where I be who I want to be, but I feel that guilt of manhood dredging me down. I should build a career…plan for the future…be responsible for people and a family that don’t even exist yet. The future, it’s all about the future. It’s like the last tendrils of the American dream still trying to brainwash me with promises of the easy life living it up in the middle class with a home of my own and money in the bank.

In reality I already have fucking carpal tunnel syndrome and I’m 25. I have terrible eyesight from staring at monitors all the time. I’ve finally started going to the gym and doing physical activities to turn from pale and thin to strong and energetic (and still somewhat pale) but that is only one step. I need for people to encourage me, to take the leap, never work in an office again, do what I want, break out of the macho mold. I need help to make sense of all the anger I feel inside of me. Teenage angst just becomes heart attacks, baldness, and ulcers as you get older. Disgust with the system never goes away: it just gets buried deep inside you till the very act of pretending it’s not there causes physical illness.

I can’t do it alone no matter how much my subconscious is sent that message. I need that loving support just like any other human. Talking about it in this blog is but one small step – I need to reach out to my friends and ASK them for help because I simply can’t make the jump by myself. No one is 100% independent. No man is an island god fucking damn it!

So send me your positive thoughts, your feelings, your own stories of personal triumph and life changing choices. We’re all in this together and the more great stories I hear the more I’ll feel up to the challenge of getting my shit together. So I pose a question to you, dear reader: tell me one life changing moment that occurred from your own actions – when did you take hold of your life and take it in the right direction despite what society told you? Inspire me!

My Ex: Before/After

2008-06-23T00:39:00.005-04:00

BEFORE
My ex is single again.

After he broke up with me in March 2007, he somehow managed to pick up a new boyfriend within a month’s time. They clicked, apparently, in a way we never could. They clicked so much that he followed his new boyfriend across the country to San Francisco and moved into a phase of relationshipping that I have yet to explore with anyone: “I Love You.”

He tried to make the quick turnover as painless for me as possible. He wanted to be friends, and I wanted to be friends, but I couldn’t get myself to be in friend-mode again until July, when he said he was moving west. By then, I had discovered that he was seeing someone else; Facebook and MySpace tell all. At our coffee-as-friends date before his big move, he refrained from mentioning his new boy—I’m not sure if he knew I knew, but I knew, and so I refrained from mentioning him too.

When he left, I was sure that our relationship would dwindle into random G-chats and occasionally-obligated holiday text messages. It did. Until I found out in January that I, too, would be moving west to—as fate would have it—San Francisco. I convinced myself that I’d be fine, and when I visited to look for new housing prospects in March 2008, almost a year after we broke up, I had dinner with him… and then we had drinks… and then we danced… and then we reminisced… and left it at that. There was a comfort in being with him despite knowing he had this other intimate life—again unmentioned. We promised when he dropped me off that night that we’d have great nights of friendly fun when I moved more permanently in August.

A few weeks ago, he called— it was one of those calls where a friend of yours reaches out to catch up with the subtext that something had just happened to him and he needed to talk to someone who would tell him that it would be okay. I never picked up. He left me a voicemail. I detected the concern. But maybe purposefully so, I shoved it away as nothing and merely G-chatted him back. He never responded.

Then two nights ago, a surprise text message: You gonna be going go to Asteroid tomorrow? :-P I’m gonna be there!

I was in the middle of a meeting, but I didn’t hesitate. I stepped out and called. It was true. He was coming. For one weekend, home to Texas to visit family and, yes, he wanted to see his friends.

I was hesitant. I never really got along with all of his friends—they were high maintenance, I was a workaholic, and not there aren’t high maintenance workaholics, but we just didn’t’ mesh. I said I’d let him know if I couldn’t make it while, in my head, I began thinking of good excuses. I would see him in August anyway. Everything would be okay then, and we’d hang out one-on-one. It’d probably be better that way. He passed on details for where to meet him and at what time. I wrote them on a post-it and stashed it in my pocket.

When I got home after work, I found the post-it again and remembered the phone call. I decided to check up on him via Facebook to see what his San Francisco ventures had been like since I met up with him in March…

And there, aside a tiny broken-heart icon, was that dangerous, dangerous word: Single.
I refreshed the page. No. He couldn’t be. He couldn’t… single. He’s single. No, it’s just Facebook.

I had to double check. I checked his MySpace page. Single. I checked his boyfriend’s MySpace page. Single.

Single single single.

And now he’s in town.

And he wants to hang out.

And I’m single.

And he’s single.

And we’re still friendly.

And I think I may still be attracted.

If not for real, then at least for fun.

So what do I do with this tension of wanting to work out that never did? I’m almost positive he just wants to be friends, but how do I drag that confirmation out of him without bringing up the boyfriend that now is, according to cyberspace, his ex? My gut says to stick to what’s tried and true: refrain from bringing it up. But with me moving to his neighborhood in two months, doesn’t refraining now actually mean postponing the inevitable anyway?

Whatever happens, I have a feeling that tonight begins a new chapter of my life two months too early. ManontheSide in San Francisco. With his ex. Uh oh.

+++

AFTER
I am too much of an optimist. Coming into tonight, my memories were nothing but romantic ideas; I had forgotten all the reasons why I wouldn’t want to be with him. Tonight, those reasons all came sloshing back: the ridiculous silliness; his need to be the center of attention; his focus on the physical—all things that don’t really blend with my own desires from a mate.

My ex is single again. And I bet his newest ex is celebrating too.

Houskeeping, 6.22.08

2008-06-22T18:15:00.002-04:00

+ news +
GID, APA, and GCTs,
gay marriage and the election,
and, most importantly, benefits for kids same-sex couples for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

Movie Review: Sex and the City

2008-06-13T16:01:00.003-04:00

In follow up to my last post, I paid my $8 (it was a matinée!) and I saw the Sex and the City movie. At first, I was entertained and mildly annoyed. But then the more I thought about it, and talked to other people who saw it, the more I was annoyed and less entertained.

The movie was everything I hated about the series, but even more so. Watching the movie, I found it hard to believe that these characters were supposed to be around 40-50 years old. They were acting like completely self-centered 20-somethings (and I'm a 20-something). It was all "my wedding" and "my marriage" and "I have to find MYself" and "you hurt MY feelings." Me me me. The only one of the four that I liked was Charlotte, and she was always my least favorite. But, she was the only one that I felt acted her age. She understood what it meant to have a healthy relationship - surprise surprise, you are willing to put the other person's needs before your own.

I read an article on Jezebel (not the best site, but sometimes interesting) that summed it up pretty well: "These women are assholes." Is it really empowering to have such disregard for the feelings of your partner - the person you love? Regardless of gender, the ways these women acted during most of the movie (and the TV series) made me kind of appalled to be associated with them in any way, even gender.

The crappy thing is, this movie was so lauded for beings successful despite having no male leads. So, in that sense, it was a success for women. And as a woman (and just a person in general), it makes me really sad that a movie about women that are so self-consumed with labels, appearances and what's-in-it-for-me is one of the most successful movies starring women for a female audience.

Maybe I'll go watch Steel Magnolias as an antidote.

AskFannie! Two Birds with One Column!

2008-06-12T13:34:00.006-04:00

Dear Fannie,

Now you see, i have two kinda different dillemas.
Numero Uno, Premature Ejaculation. Im currently sleeping with this guy who shoots before we can really even get things going. Making out, touching and poof! He's done. I really don't know how to help the situation, and i really like this guy. So what can i do here?

And my second problem, anal sex. So basically, Porn has glorified anal sex and made it look like some really pleasurable and delightful thing. WRONG. I've been doin' it for a long time, and i still ain't gotten used to it. This other guy i'm sleeping with, seems to think that everything is just like the porn. How do i get him to slow down and just...go with the flow?

Please Help!
Timmy Two-Problem!

Dear Timmy (I hope that's not your real name),

Look at you! Your bed's busier than a beehive! While you have two very different problems regarding your boudoir buddies, let's look on the bright side: you got at least two guys gushing guysers of goodness for you. That's two more than a lot got, so don't complain!

So problem number one: premature ejaculation. A surprising situation that more men than you'd think get stuck with. Now it's important to figure what's the root of this problem. Most men who suffer from P.E. (not physical education... although a condition I thankfully left behind in high school) either have a psychological problem with sex, being that they don't get it a whole lot so get over-excited about a specific partner, or have a chemical imbalance which can expedite the ejaculatory response.

You know your sex partner better than I do, at least I hope you do. Figure out whether his ill-timed response is caused by over-excitement or whether it's just a biological response he can't control. If it's a biochemical problem, he might want to talk to his doctor and ask for some bloodwork to be done. He may, indeed, have a low serotonin level which, in addition to making him a mopey 'mo, will make it harder for him to resist ejaculation. Sometimes doctors will prescribe certain anti-depressants or mood stabilizers to counteract this chemical imbalance. I personally, tend to be skeptical of doctors and pharmacologists, and like to do things the natural, non-chemical, way. There are a lot of ways to naturally stimulate the production of serotonin, like excercise, chocolate, and sexual activity. I'd prescribe a good dose of excercise, 'cause not only will you increase your serotonin count and delay your ejaculation, you'll get a super fit bod.

There are a few techniques you two can work through as a coital couple, called: the squeeze technique.

"This method works as follows:

Step 1. Begin sexual activity as usual, including stimulation of the penis, until you feel almost ready to ejaculate.
Step 2. Have your partner squeeze the end of your penis, at the point where the head (glans) joins the shaft, and maintain the squeeze for several seconds, until the urge to ejaculate passes.
Step 3. After the squeeze is released, wait for about 30 seconds, then go back to foreplay. You may notice that squeezing the penis causes it to become less erect, but when sexual stimulation is resumed, it soon regains full erection.
Step 4. If you again feel you're about to ejaculate, have your partner repeat the squeeze process." link

So, it all depends how invested you are in this specific boy toy. If he's just a casual fuck and you have no emotional investment in him and all this sexual therapy sounds like a lot of work for a roll in the sheets, then I'd give him the helpful info and suggest that he call you when he's figured his junk out. But if this sex stud is worth keeping around then talk to him honestly and address the pink elephant (or perhaps milky-translucent elephant) and offer to work together to make sex as good as you know it can be!

As for your second problem, Timmy... I've been saying this for a long time: anal sex isn't for everyone. Believe it or not queens, some dames don't do it up the doo-doo chute. Some guys love getting plugged by a nice wang, but others would prefer much less anally-inclined action. Sex should be a reciprocal activity, so if you're not getting enjoyment from getting plowed by your bud, then let him know that and demand being sufficiently compensated with a sex act that you enjoy. If you're too much of a push-over to stick up for your own sexual rights, then frankly I think you deserve a sore tush. Maybe you'll think twice before mindlessly bending over. And don't go blaming the porn industry for your own lack of a spine. Sure gay culture sucks... it's completely male-centric and obsessed with anal sex. So what? Fight the power.

Fiercely,
Fannie

send your questions in to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

Politics or Pussy?

2008-06-06T23:28:00.003-04:00

For me there is always this period in a relationship where I try to suss out what kind of politics a person might have. I don't know that I necessarily think that everyone I date must be on the exact same page as me in terms of our political views but I do know that I'd likely have a hard time finding anything sexy or long-term about a fundie Christian, for instance. However, I try to remain open minded when I find myself having a connection with someone who doesn't sing the praises of composting, or see the need to be on every activist listserv in the city.

Like many people, I often find the potential dates (or more casual encounters) via activities centred around our shared views. I am not the first--nor the last--dyke who's tried to pick up on the bus to a rally. It just kind of happens like that. But I also recognize that those kinds of things take serious time commitments, and that there's a whole legion of lesbians who don't necessarily show up to every community potluck or forum. Plus I think it might be healthy to look outside these frequently incestuous dating pools. I suppose that's how I ended up in the situation I'm currently in.

I connected with this beautiful gal rather unexpectedly, particularly considering the debacle that was my last romantic escapade. We met through some mutual friends some months ago and made plans to connect in a business sense (she makes music videos, and I am a musician). However, contacts were lost and we did not cross paths again until this past weekend, via the same mutual friends. She is unbelievably cute. And very flirtatious. And an excellent dancer. She's also smart, and has her own (successful and growing, I might add) company at a remarkably young age. She is motivated and responsible, and good. So when she asked me out, I obviously said yes. I figured that with mutual friends as great as ours, she had to be a safe bet. But I've recently found out that I am now facing down a "politics or pussy?" kind of scenario; she's the kind of hipster-y girl who uses words (acronyms?) like "AZNs" in reference to any people of Asian descent. This is not in everyday conversation, mind you, but more in the envelope-pushing "ironic" hipster way that seems to be so trendy right now*.

I don't get this. This otherwise smart and cute and interesting and funny and sweet girl thinks this is funny. But to me (and countless others, I'm sure) using racial slurs casually or ironically isn't cool. It just fucking isn't. And what is so bizarre about this fad (at least, I hope it's a fad, which would imply that it's going to go away soon) is the kind of gradient attached to the Ironic Hipster Racial Slur. That is, it seems that the more shocking the epithet, the more it establishes a Hipster cred, like there's some sort of competition going on amongst moneyed suburban kids living in the city doing important Art Things or Music Things as to who can drop an n-bomb with the least trace of a smile.

I mean, I kind of understand the idea of it. I think the underlying notion is, "if I can use this awful word in all seriousness then I am calling attention to how incredibly offensive it is and that's funny", but the exclamation that seems to follow, whether spoken or implied, is "I'm not actually racist guys, I have all kinds of black friends!". These (almost exclusively white) kids don't seem to get that there is a huge amount of power in what they're saying that really, really overthrows any kind of irony they may be getting at.

I'm sincerely hoping that this girl is not one of those hipsters I am referring to, and that she is on the lower end of the Ironic Racial Slur Hipster ladder, which to me indicates that there is hope for her yet. Truly, I think she's kind of young, in the sense that she maybe hasn't had exposure to the kinds of politics my friends and I live (out of necessity, not aesthetic, which I think also explains my distaste for ironic hipsterdom). Yet writing that makes me feel like I'm being condescending, not to mention making the fatal early relationship mistake of thinking "Oh, that will change with time" (which can actually be interpreted as "I will change them" and as far as I'm concerned, is relationship suicide).

Still, as much as I hate to admit it, I often wonder about the accessibility of anti-oppressive politics. To some extent I believe it is every individual's responsibility to educate hirself about what kinds of privilege zie holds. But I also think that there's a part to this about having access to that kind of self-reflection and self-criticism as a form of privilege. I'm not sure I know how that fits in to the overall idea of being anti-oppressive, but I know that I want to give this girl the benefit of the doubt. Truthfully, I (and everyone else) had to go through a process of awakening, and I'm certainly hoping it's not far off for my ladyfriend.

*for evidence of this, please see sites such as You Tube and Hipster Runoff

Housekeeping, 6.1.08

2008-06-01T13:02:00.001-04:00

+ news +
APA and trans therapy,
New York making some marriage headway,
and, most importantly, CA marriages, sooner than we thought! for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

Sex and the City

2008-05-30T19:44:00.005-04:00

Hey guess what, Sex and the City: The Movie opens in the US today. In case you were living under a rock, you may not have noticed.

I'll admit, I'm a fan of the show. I own all the DVDs. And even so, I find myself pausing on the show when I am flipping through the channels and find it on syndication. I'm all for entertaining television, and SatC is definitely entertaining. But it's also just television (or, as of today, just a movie). We all remember that, correct?

Maybe not. "Are you a Carrie, a Charlotte, a Samantha, or a Miranda?" Have you ever taken the SatC tour around New York? Do you really like the taste of a Cosmopolitan?

I think SatC is good pop culture, with witty writing and plotlines that keep interest. But I worry when it seems like some viewers have blurred the line between fantasy and reality. Honestly .... why would anyone want to be one of four stereotypes? Or even want to emulate the lives portrayed in any way?

As an owner of the DVDs and both television channels that show SatC in syndication, I've seen every episode multiple times. And quite honestly, the most I see it, the more it bothers me. One review I saw of the movie on the morning news today called the show & movie an homage to independent, single women. But homage means to show respect, and does this show really do that? Personally, I find the show to be full of stereotypes (the slut, the romantic, the cynic, the sensitive man, the emotionally unavailable man, the flamboyant gay male best friend, etc). The women are all obsessed with labels and appearances, blow petty things out of proportion and spend 99.9 percent of their time infatuated with, complaining about or being led on by men. How does any of this show respect to independent, single women?

It is just a television show, but it's a show many considering "groundbreaking" in it's portrayal of female characters, and successful, independent, sexually liberated ones at that. But what is so groundbreaking about label- and men-obsessed women? Is this really the best we can do? Can we call a spade a spade, and realize SatC does as much for women as movies like Indiana Jones do for men - over-gendered entertainment and nothing more?

But alas, it IS just entertainment, and for entertainment's sake, I will buy a ticket in the near future to see the movie. But you'll never hear me proclaim that "I'm a Miranda." We share hair color and sarcasm, that's about it.

Housekeeping, 5.25.08

2008-05-25T10:08:00.002-04:00

+ news +
Kids of Trans Resource Guide,
the UK setting an example,
and, most importantly, Don't Ask, Don't Tell goes to court! for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

AskFannie: Friendly Fire!

2008-05-21T10:21:00.004-04:00

Dear Fannie,

So there is this gaybor of mine I met at a party. He seemed nice enough, so I added him to Facebook. He mentioned having free tickets to the movies, so I said, "sure." The next day on IM I find out that he considered our friendly trip to the movies a date. He made it very clear he likes me... a lot. I'm not really into him as a boyfriend, but he's not unattractive and he's geographically very convenient. We could probably have fun, but I don't know how to bring that up without hurting his feelings.

Thanks,
Stumped in Suburbia

Dear Stumped,

So you've gotten the perennial problem of incongruent intentions. Where you're looking for a fun friend with fringe benefits, your bud is browsing for a boyfriend (don't hate me... I'm just a big fan of alliterations). This problem is a common one. However, despite its recurrent nature, it's a problem so many people have difficulty navigating. The most important part of this plan is honesty. Now, being honest doesn't necessarily mean telling him that you just want to be fuck buds. That's just tactless. It may work on craiglist queens, but the real world requires a little more diplomacy.

And Stumped, just for the record, from your description your friend wasn't completely off the mark, assuming your outing was a "date." Meeting a guy at a party, who then facebook friends you, who then promptly accepts an invitation to the movies, is classic boy meets boy script. And by classic I mean since facebook was invented, being all of four years ago. And it's also clear he wasn't completely off his mark where you're concerned because there's obviously some sexual attraction sparking between you too if you're considering adding him to your night-cap/bootie call phone tree. And give the boy some props for being so forth coming with his emotions, it can be difficult for someone to reveal romantic intentions.

So, what you've got to do now is continue to cultivate your relationship, but steer it in the direction that you desire. You can do this a variety of ways. The most important thing is to avoid stringing the poor bloke along, thinking that he's getting something more than you're willing to give. So, it's fine to go out on another date or so, but while you're on it... feel free to talk about other guys who you're seeing (if you're not seeing anyone else, it's fine to talk about other romantic prospects, real or desired.) This way he'll get the hint that while you like hanging out, you're by no means solely interested in him as your exclusive romantic/sexual partner. If you want a more specifically sexual relationship, then make that obvious. Crank up the dirty talk and stay focused on specifically that. Keep pillow talk safely ambiguous and esoteric, as to not encourage too much clinging. People are smarter than we give them credit. If you treat him like a fuck buddy, he'll get it. And then it's up to him whether or not he wants that kind of relationship.

Play safe, kids.

Fiercely,
Fannie

send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

Housekeeping, 5.18.08

2008-05-18T07:50:00.002-04:00

+ news +
GO CALIFORNIA!,
gay-rating system for hospitals,
and, most importantly, Kevin and Scotty got committed! for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

AskFannie: Communing with Queers!

2008-05-14T12:59:00.002-04:00

Dear Fannie,

I go to a notoriously queer friendly university yet I came into the queer scene late in the game. I am out as bisexual and am involved in the queerest classes as you take. I find the scene to be incredibly clicky and hard to glide into. To the queers, I am basically straight, and to the straights, I am queer. How do you smudge into a world where solid identity is so very important, yet an extreme social necessity.

Sincerely,
Not Queer Enough

NQE,

First off, congrats on the coming out! Closets are for clothes, not queers. You’re question resembles one I answered almost a year ago, where Queer & Proud, a lesbian who occasionally slept with men, was getting a lot of negative from her hetero-friends, trying to label her as bisexual. Well it’s clear from your question, NQE that those same hypocritical sentiments can come from homos as well.

The way the Gay Liberation movement from the ‘60s panned out, despite great leaps and bounds in terms of civil rights and all that jazz, is a deeply marked boundary between homos and heteros. Another binary has been constructed so that one’s sexuality is either directed exclusively towards one sex or the other. I hope I don’t have to go into the many flaws in that thought process (i.e. assumptions of only two sexes to be attracted to, assumptions that sexualities are fixed and unchanging, etc.), but while it’s really easy to complain and call out the homo haters and the hating homos, maybe it’s best to remember that homos are humans too, and make the same stupid ass mistakes as their straight mates.

NQE, while I commend you on your entrée into the world of queer-ociousness, you’ve got a lot of learning to do about queers… especially homo folks (as opposed to pansexual, bisexual, omnisexual, etc.). Homos are bitter, quick to judge, and slow to trust. Wanna know why? ‘Cause we have a long history of getting burned by the heteropatriarchy. You name it, we’ve seen it: from electro-shock therapy from our doctors, to exorcisms from our preachers. Granted, after so many years it’s water under the bridge… but it’s pretty turbulent water. So when the queers on campus see your non-exclusively-homo queer self bounding into the fray and wanting the respect and acceptance of the hard-line ‘mos, there’s naturally going to be some skepticism.

You see a social clique of nasty gay Plastics acting as gatekeepers to this bounding fields of queer elysian bliss. But from their point of view, they see some budding homo who’s too afraid to jump in cold-turkey for the friends of Dorothy, and can claim some hetero privilege. They’re skeptical and waiting for you to earn some queer credentials. While that may not be true in your case, you can’t blame them for erring on the side of caution; especially when that caution is informed by years of homo-for-now-hetero-when-it’s-hard case studies. I won’t deny that it’s wrong of them to make you feel excluded just because you don’t play by their rules. But this is something that’s developed out of self-defense and self-preservation.

While I’m not trying to justify any mistreatment you may have had at their hands, I’m trying to put things into perspective. I absolutely support your right to go against the grain, even if it’s the gay grain, and to enjoy your non-gender-specific libido. So if you want to know how to run in the homo crowd while maintaining your truly queered existence, I’d advise being patient and building relationships one by one. If you want the queers to accept you, you’ve got to demonstrate that while you may enjoy a variety of partners, you’re still an ally, an asset, and a friend.

Fiercely,
Fannie

send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

Colorful Little Boxes

2008-05-13T14:23:00.001-04:00

This month I bring to you two very different looks at Arizonans. Novice Sister Oralee of the Grand Canyon Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and Scott from Scottsdale.

Since starting this project I have been surprised time and again, but many people's gender is much more complex than one might think on first glance.

Confused? I'm Not - January 2008 - Scottsdale, AZ

All of the Above - February 2008 - Scottsdale, AZ

You can see more Gender DiverCity pictures each Monday at http://genderdivercity.blogspot.com