Actually does it matter?  No, not really.  I wasn’t ready then. I am now.  I have given myself the necessary space for all my ideas to fall into a more useful combination.  I have allowed myself the time and given myself permission to simply wait until I am ready to speak once more.

And the nice thing is, when I look back over my stuff I find I’m still pretty happy with what I have been saying.  It simply lacked the structure that I hope to inject into this website over the next few weeks.   You know, make it so visitors are clear about whether it’s for them or not, dust off the better ideas and shelve some others that haven’t quite got a place any more, tidy up that messy jumble of categories… sort of rearranging the furniture and dusting the alcoves.   Necessary maintenance intended to make this the kind of space where people feel welcome and would like to come back and relax every now and then.  Including me.

This may or may not take some time – I’m OK with that.  If you’d rather sit back and wait a little longer, then feel free – maybe sign up for my newsletter so I can keep you informed of when it’s a good time to hop back on board.  But do hang around if you feel inclined – I’d be honoured.

It seems to me that all this preparation stuff is meant to go on in the background.  All the insecurities and worries and ‘not ready-ness’ are meant to be miraculously missing from a blog, but it also seems to me to be everything that this blog should be about.

I have had stunning moments of clarity and terrifying times of simple, abject fear.  All of these are relevant.  Bear with me on this.

What I have been wanting –trying – to say over the past two years is that it is simply enough to be yourself.   What my experience keeps telling me is that this is all very well but the world tends to wade into this personal utopia with the explicit intention of tripping you up, catching you out or reminding you of exactly how far you still have to go.  This experience has been terribly effective in stopping me getting any further, time and again.

The trick, it seems, is to stop believing you have to have it all sorted before you start.

So I’m not.  I haven’t.  Nor have you, I suspect.

Welcome aboard – let’s ride this one together and see where it goes.

‘Til next time, then.  x

I was hating being at work.  I was feeling left out (I’m still learning the language), frustrated, stressed and put-upon.  I was stewing over not being paid as much as I’d like and the fact that the job isn’t exactly what I applied for (are they ever?).  And paranoid – seriously paranoid – convinced every conversation that was being held around me, must be about me.  Most of all, I was feeling left out and lonely and sorry for myself.

My experience is that it’s no good trying to affirm your way out of this kind of mood; this just get followed up by a huge list of reasons why it’s a stupid waste of time and why don’t you just eat a whole heap more chocolate instead?  You know how it goes, right?

So I sat and stewed, and sometimes managed to brighten up but not for long and came home and talked about the neighbours and noticed all the paranoia being redeployed in this new direction. I went to bed and didn’t sleep very well.

The lonliness welled up in me this morning as I sat outside and enjoyed some silence before I set off for work.  And this time, I made a connection with other times I’ve felt exactly this lonely, ignored, put-upon or undermined.  And I realised that each time I’ve felt this way I have felt like a victim of the world around me.

And, as with all those little connections that make a big difference, I suddenly stopped feeling bad.

Just like that.

That simple connection in my head showed me a story, a repeating pattern, a recurring event.  It showed me that the feeling came from me.

In that moment I was suddenly no longer a victim of the world around me, I was the creator of the world around me.

•  By feeling miserable, I pushed people away.
• By being paranoid, I kept myself at a distance.
• By overreacting to being asked to do stuff, I wasn’t making any friends, which in turn fed the paranoia and self-criticism, which fed the misery. And so on.

Yeah, great stuff Meg.

But in that moment of realisation, when I knew the world wasn’t making me feel bad – that I was making me feel bad – I knew I could also make myself stop feeling bad.

So I did.

Oh.  OK, cool!

Horrible, miserable, stuck feelings are habits, and habits are breakable.  Look for the repeat patterns, the clues and connections that tell you there’s a habit in place.  Every time, I’ll bet you find you’re in charge after all.

 Now – how would you like to feel?

I believe that what you think is reflected in the world around you, but I don’t reckon it matters if that’s true or not.  I reckon what you think controls the way you see the world around you and affects what you do or do not allow yourself to achieve – which basically adds up to the same thing.

So I started to look at what’s going on in my life and started to question what I am thinking for me to see the world as I do.  Then I chose to think new some new thoughts:

•  I am enough (already – right now!)
• My ideas count
• My happiness is important
• I can have it all

And sometimes these thoughts seem to set me free.  They open something up inside, and fill me with a surge of optimism, confidence and joy.  I’m happier, more relaxed, I have more energy.   Other times, these thoughts connect me with a feeling of ick – unpleasantness, fear.  At these times, I have resolved to think these thoughts even more.

When faced with a financial bottleneck, the new thoughts told me I (just me -  all by myself – right now!) can create a way out.  And with that realisation, I made the first move.

 The next stage, it seems, is to meet the Fear.

After opening a door to opportunity, there’s a really strong urge to close it again quick.  The Fear makes me feel like I’m walking through some invisible treacle, resistance that slows my step, holds me in one place.  My jaw is tight, my whole being is tight.  It’s like I’m being held in a vice.  Nothing is moving, the energy has stopped.  I want to stop thinking my new thoughts and go back to ‘I can’t’. 

After all, it’s safe where I am.  I know the boundaries, I’m in control of what I let into my life.  I’m used to the struggle and I kind of miss it when it’s gone.

Time and again, I’ve stepped onto the path of least resistance and felt what is possible if I could just believe in myself and stop fighting for a while. And time and again I’ve stepped back into my safety zone which, while unsatisfying and frustrating, is at least without fear.

But this time I’m ready to find my way to the other side.  The new thoughts are becoming habits.  I can feel them settling into my being and creating my new reality.  And as they do, and I act, the fear is disturbed, unsettled and brought to the fore.  And I meet it and feel it and know I’ll survive.

It’s never as bad as you think.

Your turn: What about those moments when you felt like you were about to make a dramatic change to your circumstances when it all just stopped- what did the fear feel like? What were you afraid of? How could you make it work next time?

There’s a strange, gentle sadness left in the space when the worry has gone. 

The sadness is like a space, the calm after the storm, the peace after a really good cry.  It’s like you’ve been carrying something and suddenly you let it go and you’re left with the memory of its weight and your arms are still formed into its shape.  Despite the relief, you still hold that space and, for a short while, while you adjust, it is missed.

This is a time of possibility, the chance to choose a new shape, rediscover the freedom of your arms, adjust your body, find a new balance.  It’s a wobbly moment: something doesn’t feel right, something that almost seemed normal is no longer there.  Even after you have let go of the thing, you need a moment to let go of its memory.

No matter, time is what you have.

The worry was urgent, demanding, pressing.  The worry needed action without giving you time to reflect.  The worry said there is only one answer, and you have to find it NOW.

But your worry sits in the place of your answer.  It blocks your way, occupies your mind and distracts you from your Self, which is where the answer lies.

The answer is inside you – the endless possibilities that you can adopt now you’ve put the burden aside.  The answer is how you want to be – now; it’s how you want to feel – in this moment, in the next and the next.  It’s potential, it’s possibility, it’s YOU.

Your ‘Why’ isn’t a job, a calling, a purpose.  There isn’t a right answer, a wrong answer, there is only the answer that gives you the space you need to be.

Don’t fight the sadness, let it be.  This is part of the process.

 Doesn’t it feel so much better than the fear?

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Do you remember the time you thought you could change the world?

What happened to that time?  What happened to that brave, adventurous self that challenged the status quo, chased after their personal dream with vigour and passion, that didn’t care what other people thought?

This person, who climbed the ladder with determination and finesse, finally made it to the top, but found she had left her dreams somewhere behind, dismissed them as fancy, or impossible, even while she thought she was working towards the time she could make them come true.

Slowly, as you gained power, you gave yourself away: to a system, to money, to power itself.  You gained control, but became controlled by the fear of letting it go.  You started on this path because you loved what you did and wanted to share that love with others, but somehow found yourself chasing admiration and respect according to someone else’s rules.  Somehow, somewhere, the love was replaced by a fear of loss, of losing, by the need to get things done.  The passion died in amongst routine, repetition and the constant chasing of results. You followed a dream, but became part of the machine.

 When did that happen? And how?

My feeling is that, somewhere along the line, you stopped believing in yourself.  You learnt that progression meant leaving your Self on the sidelines, keeping your passion at bay.  You saw how the weak were stepped on so you made yourself strong; you saw which type of person was promoted, so you made yourself that person; you thought you had to choose between money and the dreams.

It’s funny, I think the world works to make us think that way.  As each of us get caught in this story we have to act it out and persuade others to do the same.  It’s a self-perpetuating nightmare that eventually leaves you high and dry with nowhere else to go.

 There’s another way

I’m starting to realise that for every person that chooses another way, that realises their dreams can make money, that they can succeed and be fulfilled, it opens the door for many others to do the same.  For every person that rediscovers who they are, others are inspired to follow suit.  And so it spreads.

Your happiness will change the world.  It’s time to believe in yourself again. 

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Not in the slightest bit.

Two years ago, I was afraid of everything, or so it seemed. Now I’m wondering when it slipped away.

Fear has been my excuse.

This morning, with that absence of fear, I found I sort of missed it. Even as it has held me back, the fear has kept me safe in its own small way. I realised how long my fear had been a crutch, an excuse, something to hide behind when I didn’t get things done.

Today, I might feel frustrated; shy perhaps; impatient, self-conscious; sometimes embarrassed, but not afraid. It’s a strange sensation – this feeling of no-fear.

I sit in a bubble of solidity, awareness, wholeness. I just can’t help feeling that everything is going as it should. I know the steps I need to take and right now I’m ready to take them. Even as I tell myself that it’s only fear that holds me back, I realise I don’t have that now. Fear breeds habits such as avoidance or distraction – habits which continue after the fear has gone away – but the excuses are gone.

Fear keeps you small, but keeps you safe. Without fear, you have to stand in your truth and be the best you can be. There are no more reasons why not.

Fear, where are you now?

This feeling may not last. Just last week I remembered what it felt like to be small and confused (even then I had almost forgotten.) Almost like I needed to remember – to understand, complete a cycle – circumstances put me back where I’d once been. Feeling under pressure to make more money, to drop my dream in favour of the meagre pickings immediately available, feeling frustrated and bound by circumstances outside of my control, I was afraid.

But I realised this, too, was what I needed. I understood that the fear was a habit, that I just had to wait out the storm. This time, I rediscovered my Self and carried on.

Each time it is quicker, each time the footings are more secure. I know what I want, and I’m learning how to create it for myself. I’m learning how to ask for the right things. I know that the worst can only happen as long as I’m afraid. I know that I don’t need to be.

I know that if I can do it, you can do it, too.

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~Tim MacCartney

Last night I was discussing with a friend the book that made me understand you CAN bring your deepest self to what you do.  This book showed me that being your truest self and pursuing what you love is not only possible but the only way to make a difference.

That realisation caused me to cry, like a deep inner longing was recognised and given space to be.

Today I found this video, with the same author speaking at TEDx WWF. Again I cried, from about half way through to the end.  Tim MacCartney speaks what my heart tells me to be true, as he lives and fights for what he loves, and calls for us all to do the same.

The video is 18 minutes long.  Watch it – his words tell you everything you need to know.