Discipleship Family Ministry

Video of the Week: Youth Ministry Boot Camp

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Funny video from Youth Specialties on a "Youth Ministry Boot Camp." Love the last scene. Check it out:

Dear Youth Pastor

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Dear Youth Pastor:

During my annual review last month, my senior pastor asked me to spend the first part of the year recruiting more volunteers for the youth ministry program. Since I started working at my church a year an a half ago as the youth pastor, we have unfortunately lost some volunteers. However, I didn't think too much about it; I have been able to pick up the slack by doing all the teaching, making sure the room is set up for youth group, and planning the upcoming retreat by myself. Personally, I thought things had been going much better since I started doing more! Nevertheless, my senior pastor insisted I "build a team of trusted volunteers."

I put an announcement in the church bulletin asking for new helpers a few Sundays back, and five adults said they wanted to help. They have actually been nice to have around at youth group. They shovel the sidewalk on snowy Wednesday nights before youth group and hand out pencils and Bibles, and it was nice to be able to tell someone to clean up the unfortunate mess that occurred during the popular "Drink a gallon of milk during Bible study" game. However, this week the new helpers became meddlesome. I received an email from a mom who's been helping with a suggestion (what do moms know about youth ministry?) on how to get students to interact more during youth group. To make matters worse, two of the new helpers have asked to help lead during an upcoming series, and one actually had the nerve to meet with a student during the week for coffee to pray about a difficult situation the student had been having at school. That's my job! What can I do?

Sincerely,
Lone Ranger in Laramie

Lone Ranger:

It's easy to get discouraged when people who are supposed to be helping you begin to venture onto ground that should be reserved for professional youth workers like you and me. If you do not get a handle on the situation, the suggestions will keep coming, and your volunteers may start to do things differently than you would do them. This is a serious threat to your authority as the youth pastor, the only one in the church who really understands your youth. Thankfully, the remedy for your problem is quite easy to implement. In fact, it involves doing nothing at all in some situations!

Do not return your volunteers' phone calls or emails. Just pretend the messages don't exist, and soon, the volunteers won't either! If you have very persistent volunteers, just tell them that you only communicate via an obscure invitation-only social networking site that's all the rage with the kids. Tell them that they'll have to wait to get an invitation to the website before they can drop you a note.
Allow a volunteer to take charge of something, but provide no support and no resources. Chances are, the volunteer will eventually become frustrated and quit.
Whatever you do, refrain from any kind of encouragement or praise. A word of encouragement is often enough fuel to keep a volunteer going for a few more weeks and is exponentially more potent when delivered in the presence of others within the church.

Remember, you're the professional, and you get paid to do all the work. Follow these easy steps, and before long, you'll be back to doing everything yourself! And we all know that when it's done your way, it's done right.

Sincerely,
Youth Pastor

Dear Youth Pastor is a public service to the good people who read this blog, and letters are published every Thursday. To ask Youth Pastor a question, just email him at DearYouthPastor@hotmail.com.

New Doesn't Impress For Long

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Think about the last time you went into a coffee shop. Chances are, there were at least a handful of laptops open with fingers tapping away at the keys. You may also have noticed a few people with smartphones or iPads in hand, ~~downloading a Dostoevsky classic for their Kindle app~~ playing Words with Friends, connecting to internet via the shop's free WiFi or a data plan.

There was a day when people didn't bring electronics to coffee shops. They brought books, played a game of chess with a friend, or perhaps wrote in a journal. But then came 1999. In 1999, an important technology became reliable and cheap enough to be included in personal laptop computers. At MacWorld in 1999, Steve Jobs announced this feature in his trademark casual manner as "One More Thing." Here's the video (3 minutes 26 seconds long):

The technology Jobs introduced as part of the iBook line, of course, was WiFi: a wireless internet connection. The crowd cheered when they realized that he was not connected to any wires as he was surfing the internet. This was big news, and a very welcome addition that soon became standard on all laptop computers.

Imagine if today you walked into a computer store and asked to look at notebooks, and the salesman bragged that a particular laptop was "fully loaded and equipped with WiFi technology." Well, I'd hope so, you might think. And doesn't a car come equipped with a steering wheel? What laptop doesn't have WiFi?

WiFi was new. Once. The thing is, New doesn't impress for long. Sure, something new has it's moment on the stage, and for a while it's appreciated and fawned over. But soon, New just becomes...expected.

In ministry, New doesn't last for long. Now, this doesn't mean that New is a bad thing. New can build momentum. New can make people consider going back to church after several years away. New can be fun. (And yes, it's okay for something in church to be fun. Really.)

New can be useful. People came to Jesus because he did things they had never seen before. He taught with authority. He performed miracles with striking regularity. Those things helped people become reconciled to their Father. But not everyone who came to see stayed. And when they inevitably asked for more new things, he declined to give them the show they wanted and instead pointed them toward the Scriptures. Because he knew that New would not change people's lives. It was only a door, an invitation. He knew that for people to be really transformed, the had to be reunited with the Father through the Son. For the Son of Man came not to impress, but to save.

So, New is useful, but it doesn't impress for long. If you try to impress people with New, they will use up whatever New you give them, and then demand more. If you give them more New, they will continue to be impressed. If you don't, they will move on. After all, whatever New you create will one day be like WiFi: expected and taken for granted. So instead of using New to impress, why don't you use New as a door, an invitation? Because in reality, there is nothing new under the sun. But there is Someone who makes all things new, and people need him far more than they need to be impressed.

We Cancelled Wednesday Nights (and lived to tell about it)

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Credit: Creative Commons (Jesse Wagstaff)

This past fall marked a pretty significant change for our high school ministry: we stopped our mid-week program on Wednesday nights. Before this school year, we had Sunday morning large-group (our most well-attended weekly program), a Wednesday night program (not as well attended but pretty substantial), as well as a small group ministry, where groups met on various nights of the week. It was a lot, and I had planned on making the change for over a year before pulling the trigger. Having two large-group events (Sunday and Wednesday) made our small group ministry seem like an add-on, when according to our stated strategy they should have central focus in terms of our programs.

I'm glad we made the change. We still have a LOT to figure out, but this was a step in the right direction. But it wasn't easy, and it wasn't a decision I made lightly. While I believed it was a good decision, I knew that it wouldn't be well-received by everyone, because significant change is hard for people, even those who are on board with the reasons behind the change. Here are some lessons I took away from the experience:

Don't be a Lone Ranger when making decisions. When I first floated the idea of eliminating Wednesday nights, not everyone in our youth ministry or in our church leadership was so sure it was a good decision. So, I tabled the idea for a year (i.e. continued to put everything I could into Wednesday nights) and in the mean time had conversations with those who had reservations about it. Sure, not all decisions can wait a year, but for the most part, I've found that it's better to wait when people have reservations about a change. Of course, we can't wait until EVERYONE agrees with a decision before pulling the trigger, or else nothing will get done. But if a leader makes a decision no one is on board with, he or she will find himself without a team.

Listen to push back. The students who attended Wednesday nights really liked it, and were bummed when they went away. I listened to what they had to say, and tried to offer an explanation and paint the big picture. For the most part, people who will push back will stick with you if you take the time to listen to them. And they just might have a point that you need to take into consideration, so have a teachable attitude.

Remember to communicate the vision behind the change. Our primary reason for canceling Wednesday nights was to encourage more students to be a part of a small group. For the most part, the students going to Wednesday nights weren't in a small group, so it was natural to help them replace Wednesdays with a small group. If we make a change without giving people a vision behind the change, they will likely be confused, which may even negate the positive aspects of the change.

Evaluate the change. After one semester, our small group ministry is tons healthier and more effective than it was during the last school year. That's a huge win and probably one of the brightest spots of our past semester for me. Some students still miss the connection that happened being able to get together as a larger group mid-week, so we're trying to figure out if there's a way we can continue to build community without meeting as a large group twice a week like we used to. Make sure you evaluate the change you made to see if it accomplished what you had hoped, or if another change is necessary.

Change is hard, but it's necessary, because as Mark Driscoll has said, "Jesus is the only thing that we promise will never change."

QUESTION: What changes have you made in your church or ministry that were difficult at first but had a positive outcome? Did you have any bumps along the way?

JustOne: An Online Conference for Women in Ministry and Pastors' Wives

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 01:54:00 +0000

The JustOne Conference looks like an amazing, free opportunity to encourage women in ministry and pastors' wives. I hadn't ever heard of it until a couple of weeks ago, and I'm looking forward to watching at least one session with my wife, Jennifer. An online conference in itself is a VERY interesting way to use technology in ministry, so as a person who serves at a church that has recently started using video venues at our campuses (just for the sermons), it will be fun to watch it from that perspective, too. Check it out:

Need encouragement … challenge … connection … and inspiration …

All while sitting comfortably on your couch with a Latte in hand?

The JustONE Conference is a free virtual conference for all Pastors’ Wives and Women in Ministry. This 4 week conference will include over 20 speakers sharing from their personal lives and leadership. Each session will be shown 4 times during the week. So find a time that is right for your schedule, and join in!

This year the conference is based on 1 Timothy 4:12b-16 (The Message) “Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. Stay at your post reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. And that special gift of ministry you were given when the leaders of the church laid hands on you and prayed–keep that dusted off and in use. Cultivate these things. Immerse yourself in them. The people will all see you mature right before their eyes! Keep a firm grasp on both your character and your teaching. Don’t be diverted. Just keep at it. Both you and those who hear you will experience salvation.”

Each week will be hosted by:
Lori Wilhite, Senior Pastor’s Wife at Central Christian Church Las Vegas and Founder of Leading and Loving It
Brandi Wilson, Senior Pastor’s Wife at Cross Point Church in Nashville and Co-Leader of Leading and Loving It

You can register here.

Video of the Week: Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Great artistic representation of the difference between religion and the Gospel of Grace. If you haven't yet seen it, give it a look. If you've already seen it, watch it again:

Dear Youth Pastor

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Dear Youth Pastor:

I had an unsettling meeting with a parent this week. As I look back, I should have seen it coming. This father approached me a couple of Sundays ago in the fellowship hall. Typically, I avoid all areas of the church on Sundays where I would risk a possible encounter with a parent of a student, such as a worship service or the coffee hour between services. However, I had not eaten breakfast, and in a moment of weakness I snuck to the back of the hall for a donut. The father asked if he could take me to lunch some time to talk about his daughter. Since I had spent all my money at Aéropostale to show students I could be just like them, I took the bait and agreed. So this Tuesday past, we met for lunch at Chili's.

The lunch went well for the first few minutes. He, of course, told me how much his daughter had enjoyed the fall retreat, and how glad he was that I was hired as the youth pastor. But the conversation took an interesting twist: he said he was concerned that he hadn't been as involved as he should be in his daughter's spiritual life and asked how I thought he might disciple his daughter and help her in her relationship with Jesus.

Perhaps I'm confused; I thought I was the youth pastor! Doesn't he know that leading students spiritually is my job? What kind of youth pastor would I be if I didn't single-handedly shepherd each and ever student in my youth group? Please help; I'm worried that I could be out of a job if parents start taking an interest in the spiritual lives of their teenagers.

Sincerely,

Threatened in Thief River Falls

Threatened:

I can understand your concern. It's one thing for parents to be involved in a minimal way--such as drivers where necessary or to cook food at youth events. It's an entirely different ordeal when parents become involved in the spiritual life of their teenager. After all, isn't it called Youth Ministry for a reason?

Unfortunately, a parent generally has the most influence in a teenager's life, so once a parent takes an interest in the teen's spiritual life, it will be difficult for a youth pastor to retain his or her rightful place as the primary spiritual guide of the teenager. Here are a few tips:

Create as much separation in your church between the teenagers and the adults. If you are able to create the impression that those who are older are irrelevant and out of touch with reality, it will go a long way in making students see their parents as out of touch, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.
Avoid events where parents are encouraged to interact with the students. It's easy to slip up on this one. You plan a great picnic in the park with tons of messy and outrageous games, and before you know it, parents actually stay when they bring their kids. Do your best to make parents feel unwelcome during youth meetings and events.
When meeting with a student who is complaining about something his or her parents are doing, communicate that you would do a much different (and better!) job if you were that student's parent. Subtlety is best here. Casually make disparaging comments about particular parental decisions, and always let students know that you are on their side.

I hope for your sake that this is simply an unfortunate phase in the life of this father. With any luck and a complete lack of encouragement on your part, perhaps he will soon see that discipling his own daughter is a daunting task best left up to you, the professional.

Sincerely,
Youth Pastor

Dear Youth Pastor is a public service to the good people who read this blog, and letters are published every Thursday. To ask Youth Pastor a question, just email him at DearYouthPastor@hotmail.com.

Book Review: Know Why You Believe by Paul E. Little

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

I've had Know Why You Believe by Paul E. Little on my shelf for years, on only recently picked it up to read it. The edition I read was published by InterVarsity Press in 2000, and was revised and updated by Little's wife, Mary. I devour just about every book about apologetics I can get my hands on, and this book is by far the best "layman's" introduction to Christian apologetics that I have ever read. By no means is an exhaustive reference, but true to InterVarsity form, it's short, to the point, and very clear.

I highly recommend every youth worker to have a copy of Know Why You Believe on his or her bookshelf. It's got solid answers to the most common questions I've fielded from teenagers over the years, such as "Is Christ God?" "Is the Bible God's Word?" "Do Science and Scripture Agree?" and "Why Does God Allow Suffering and Evil?" I also think it would make a great book for a small group of students if they were interested in knowing more about logically defending the truth of the Christian worldview. And for youth workers who feel at a loss in their own lives for how to engage in apologetic conversations (and teach their students to do the same), it's a great resource. There are plenty of used copies available for cheap online!

Should students have to do fundraisers to help fund the YM budget?

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Last week I posted a poll on how much fundraising youth ministries are expected to do in order to fund the youth ministry budget. It reminded me of a time when a person in a church I was serving at suggested that we save some money by cutting some of the youth ministry budget then making up the difference with teenager-run fundraisers. The stated reason was that they ought to be contributing something to what they want to do, since they don't contribute much to the church budget.

If I remember correctly, it was all I could do to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything I would regret.

I'd be willing to bet that many youth pastors have experienced the same thing. Please understand: I don't believe that shoveling wads of money into a youth ministry budget is the answer to reaching teenagers. Too many churches assume if they pay the money to hire a youth pastor and give him or her a big budget, they've done all they need to do to minister to teenagers and their families. However, to think that the youth who are part of a youth ministry should "pull their own weight" and do fundraisers in order to have a youth ministry is just ridiculous. Here's why:

We shouldn't minister to people based on how much they can give to the church budget. Hopefully, your church doesn't support a homeless mission or food bank based on how much the people served give to the church. Shouldn't the same logic apply to teenagers?

Youth Ministry isn't a social club, it's a gospel-centered endeavor to help teenagers know Jesus. At least that's the way it's supposed to be. If you want to see people around the world come to know Jesus, give to missions. If you want to see teenagers transformed by Jesus, give to youth ministry. Youth Ministry--just like the Church as a whole--does not exist for those who are already a part of it. It consists of those who know Jesus and exists for those who don't yet know him.

A tight budget is no excuse for not investing in teenagers. Yep, money is tight, and many times, it's all a church can do to keep the doors open, let alone put money into a youth ministry budget. If it comes down to it and there's just no money for youth ministry in the budget, it's not up to just the teenagers and their families to find a way to love the teenagers in their church, including those who have never heard of Jesus or been to church.

Teenagers should be taught faithful stewardship, not to "earn their keep." What does a teenager learn when he or she is told that to have a youth ministry, they need to provide the funds? Certainly some events require a registration fee, but when teenagers in the Church are told to "earn their keep," they are being taught that they can stick around as long as they are productive. THAT'S LEGALISM AND HARD-NOSED, DAMAGING RELIGION! Why not say to the teenagers of our churches, "We love you, and we want you to know that we want to invest in you." Then we teach them how to be good stewards of the gifts they've been given, including using the youth ministry as a way to help reach their friends, and being faithful stewards of their own incomes by giving of their resources to serve Jesus.

QUESTION: What do you think about teenagers being required to do fundraising in order to have a youth ministry?

Martin Luther King Jr. I have a Dream Speech (Video)

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

In honor of today's holiday:

"But let justice roll down like waters,
and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream." -Amos 5:24

Rick Reilly: I Believe in Tim Tebow

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 20:00:00 +0000

Given that today is game day in Bronco Country (am I allowed to make Utah a part of Bronco Country?), I thought this was a fun article to share about Tebow on ESPN.com:

Remember last week, when the world was pulling its hair out in the hour after Tebow had stunned the Pittsburgh Steelers with an 80-yard OT touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas in the playoffs? And Twitter was exploding with 9,420 tweets about Tebow per second? When an ESPN poll was naming him the most popular athlete in America?

Tebow was spending that hour talking to 16-year-old Bailey Knaub about her 73 surgeries so far and what TV shows she likes.

"Here he'd just played the game of his life," recalls Bailey's mother, Kathy, of Loveland, Colo., "and the first thing he does after his press conference is come find Bailey and ask, 'Did you get anything to eat?' He acted like what he'd just done wasn't anything, like it was all about Bailey."

More than that, Tebow kept corralling people into the room for Bailey to meet. Hey, Demaryius, come in here a minute. Hey, Mr. Elway. Hey, Coach Fox.

Even though sometimes-fatal Wegener's granulomatosis has left Bailey with only one lung, the attention took her breath away.

"It was the best day of my life," she emailed. "It was a bright star among very gloomy and difficult days. Tim Tebow gave me the greatest gift I could ever imagine. He gave me the strength for the future. I know now that I can face any obstacle placed in front of me. Tim taught me to never give up because at the end of the day, today might seem bleak but it can't rain forever and tomorrow is a new day, with new promises."

I read that email to Tebow, and he was honestly floored.

"Why me? Why should I inspire her?" he said. "I just don't feel, I don't know, adequate. Really, hearing her story inspires me."

...

And it's not always kids. Tom Driscoll, a 55-year-old who is dying of brain cancer at a hospice in Denver, was Tebow's guest for the Cincinnati game. "The doctors took some of my brain," Driscoll says, "so my short-term memory is kind of shot. But that day I'll never forget. Tim is such a good man."

This whole thing makes no football sense, of course. Most NFL players hardly talk to teammates before a game, much less visit with the sick and dying.

Isn't that a huge distraction?

"Just the opposite," Tebow says. "It's by far the best thing I do to get myself ready. Here you are, about to play a game that the world says is the most important thing in the world. Win and they praise you. Lose and they crush you. And here I have a chance to talk to the coolest, most courageous people. It puts it all into perspective. The game doesn't really matter. I mean, I'll give 100 percent of my heart to win it, but in the end, the thing I most want to do is not win championships or make a lot of money, it's to invest in people's lives, to make a difference."

(emphasis mine)

Read it all.

Our child waits...

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 13:17:00 +0000

Note: Every weekend we'll (Jennifer and Benjer) share a bit of our journey to adopting a child. This week's post is by Jennifer. To read more posts on adoption, visit our adoption page.

This past Christmas morning was very traditional for our family: wake-up, get excited about presents, go open presents, take lots of pictures, have a breakfast casserole and caramel rolls, and then get ready for church. But there was one thing about this past Christmas that was very different, at least for me. We were missing one of our children.

As I was watching my two little girls, Samantha (2) and Bethany (almost 4), opening their presents with joy in a warm house, I suddenly found myself thinking about the child we are in the process of adopting. You see, we are looking to adopt a young boy (not an infant) from Bulgaria. Depending on our adoption timeline, chances are that he has already been born. He was not with us. He was not in a warm house, by a Christmas tree, opening a pile of Christmas presents with his family. As best as we know, he was in an orphanage.

I was able to still enjoy my other children at that moment, and was able to enjoy the rest of the morning. After the Christmas morning service, we all loaded into our packed car to make the 7+ hour drive from Ogden to Denver. There were several hours during that trip that I did not have the opportunity to chat with my husband or my children (they were either sleeping or watching a show without headphones), and so I needed to be silent. I used some of that time to pray. Mostly I was praying for our son. I was praying for provision and for God's leading in this crazy-long-complicated-emotional process. As I spent more time thinking about and praying for our new son, I was reminded again of our Christmas morning. As I just said, most likely he was in an orphanage that morning. We do not know if he had any presents to open. We do not know if he knows what Jesus did for him, coming to earth to save him, or if he was given an opportunity to worship him. We do not know if he was given any love on that day. I just know he wasn't with me, his new Mama. This broke my heart.

As some tears were flowing out of me I texted a friend of mine who is a foster parent, waiting for a certain foster child to be placed with her. She told me "I feel so similar about our foster son. I know God is preparing him and our family for it. I feel the same way about your son. God is holding him in His hands. He will be so blessed when he joins your family." This was a great reminder to me that while we know almost nothing about when or how or even what the adoption will be, we know that God is sovereign, in control and loves our son where he is as much as he loved anyone. And is is in control of all of it.

To read more adoption posts and to sign up for email updates, visit our adoption page.

Video of the Week: Mr Bean in Church

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

This is of my favorite Mr Bean scenes, especially since I spent a number of years serving in Anglican churches. Enjoy:

Dear Youth Pastor

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Dear Youth Pastor,

I've had a growing unease these past few weeks that my students don't see me as one of "them." I've always worked hard at making sure they know that they could trust me because even though I'm no longer in high school, I still listen to the music they like, dress they way they do, and I love to destroy them in "Call of Duty." However, I've picked up on a few non-verbal clues that tell me they are beginning to see me as an adult: They've started asking to change my Sirius radio station when they get in my car, I don't get asked to hang out with them on Friday nights anymore, and just last week, a group of three students quickly hushed their conversation when I walked into the room! What can I do to regain my "edge" and show my students that I'm still relevant?

Sincerely,
Cool-less in Clearwater

Cool-less:

You have touched upon one of the biggest challenges in youth ministry: staying relevant as you age. It's a problem we all encounter but few of us are willing to really face up to. Thankfully, we do not have to lose our edge as we age. It does get challenging to remain relevant as get older, but with a little effort, we do not have to be relegated to actually sitting with other adults during church services (which we all know are not as cool as the "edgy" youth services we provide for our kids). For instance:

When in conversations with groups of kids before or after youth group, loudly talk about a movie or music that you know their parents disapprove of in a positive light. Talk about how adults don't understand a particular genre of music or how it really is possible to enjoy music with questionable lyrics because you don't really listen to the words of the songs. While we're on the subject of parents, any time that you can show that you would be a better and cooler parent than a kid's actual parents is a gold mine of being seen as relevant in a teenager's eyes.
The occasional disparaging comment about your senior pastor's preaching will let youth know that you totally relate to how bored they are in church. If you do this, however, keep this in mind: it's best not to do it over email or text (unless, of course, you use texting shorthand that your senior pastor wouldn't be able to decipher), because these electronic communications might be used at a later time as grounds for your dismissal. If word does get back to your senior pastor, just tell him that your words were slang and were actually complements (you know, like "bad" or "phat").
Don't be afraid to throw out a casual swear word in everyday conversation with youth. Nothing that will get you fired, of course, but show students that you're still "with it" with some colorful language every so often. Using swear words will also show that you really mean what you are saying.

When all else fails, show favoritism to the "cool" kids. Give them first dibs on all the snacks at youth group, and choose them for leadership positions regardless of their spiritual maturity. You might be able to win enough of their favor to be seen as "cool" by the rest of the group.

With any luck, you'll be right back in the good graces of the kids in your youth group. Stay cool, and stay relevant.

Sincerely,
Youth Pastor

Dear Youth Pastor is a public service to the good people who read this blog, and letters are published every Thursday. To ask Youth Pastor a question, just email him at DearYouthPastor@hotmail.com.

How to Alienate and Burn Out a Pastor's Spouse

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

My wife Jennifer and I were married in December of 2006, marking the beginning of the best years of my life thus far. We met when we were both serving as leaders on a youth retreat, and a few months later launched a young adult ministry together. During most of our dating lives and the first half of our five year marriage, she served in the youth ministries I led. These days, Jennifer serves mostly as a Bible study teacher at our church. She's a gifted woman who loves to serve, and I'm thankful that we serve at a church together that doesn't pressure our pastors' wives to fit any particular mold. However, we're aware that this is not the case at every church. Here are some ways that churches can easily alienate and burn out a pastor's spouse:

Expect that the wife will serve full-time in ministry at the church--for free. Perhaps some women have enough time on their hands to put in 40 free hours a week at church and enjoy it. I'd be willing to guess that this isn't how most ministry wives want to spend their time, even if they have it. Not only does it burden a ministry family with an unwritten (and sometimes not verbalized, but very present) expectation, but the assumption behind the expectation is that a person's (or at least a ministry spouse's) value exists only in what they can do for the church. Placing this expectation on a pastor's spouse will not only make her resent the church, but it may place unnecessary strains on their whole family if they are raising children.

Expect that the wife will serve in whatever ministry her husband leads. I think this one is all too common in youth ministry. Certainly, there's nothing wrong if a spouse also happens to love working with teenagers. However, I don't think enough youth ministry spouses are encouraged to do something else in the church besides youth ministry. My wife is amazing with teenagers, but her most fulfilling years in ministry have been the past year and a half when she's served outside the high school ministry, which I lead.

Put her on a pedestal. Too many times, we place ministry families on a pedestal. This is especially stressful for the spouse, because once she's up there, the only way to go is down. Instead, help her feel at home in the church by treating her like a normal person. Allow her to be authentic (see a great post by my wife on that topic). Give her space to have struggles in life. And don't judge her when her one-year-old bites another kid in the nursery or her preschooler has to be taken outside a Sunday school classroom for refusing to listen. Not that any of those things would ever happen in our family.

In Conversations with her, only talk to her about church stuff relating to her husband's job. Nothing will make a ministry spouse feel like she is simply an appendage attached to her husband than always talking with her about her husband's job. She's got hobbies, struggles, and a life outside of her husband's job. When she's at church worshiping, let her worship, and don't relay a ministry-related message to her husband through her. I've gone so far as to tell Jennifer to politely ask people to send me an email or call me at church if someone stops her to tell her something they want relayed to me. Of course, she's happy to pass along a quick or urgent message, but I want to make sure she doesn't feel like my secretary when she's at church.

QUESTION: What are some ways we can alienate and burn out church spouses?

Pay Your Leaders

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

We all have volunteers in our youth ministries that do such an amazing job and go above and beyond each and every week, we'd pay them if we could. Well, just because we can't give our leaders a paycheck doesn't mean we can't pay them. Here are some ways you can "pay" your leaders:

Send thank you notes. After an event or program that requires a lot of effort from your leaders, send them a thank you note. A small sign of appreciation goes a long way in encouraging and keeping your best leaders.

Don't make your leaders pay to go on trips. I know it can put a huge dent in the budget, but don't make volunteers pay to serve on overnight trips. They take time away from their family and jobs, so it makes a world of difference when you can say, "We're glad you're coming, it's on us!"

Give a small gift at least once a year. This year, Chad (our junior high pastor) suggested we spend a bit more on our Christmas gifts to our leaders and send them a gift card for a movie (with their spouse, if they have one). Yes, it can add a bit to the budget, but your volunteers do a TON for free to love and serve the teenagers in your church and community. It's worth it.

QUESTION: What are some things you do to "pay" your leaders?

Do your students and families have to fundraise for the YM budget?

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

It's budget time again if your church runs on a January-December fiscal calendar. Does your church expect teenagers and families to do fundraisers to fund the youth ministry? Please take a second and participate in the poll:

Why Are We Adopting Now?

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:55:00 +0000

Note: Every weekend we'll (Jennifer and Benjer) share a bit of our journey to adopting a child. This post is by Jennifer. To read more posts on adoption, visit our adoption page.

Why Are We Adopting Now (or in three-plus years when all is said an done)?
As I (Jennifer) sat down to write this post I became aware of some anxiety that wells up in me when I know I am going to talk to an unknown audience about our new and growing adoption story. It turns out there is no small number of people out there who have an emotional reaction when you tell them you are going to adopt internationally, and sometimes it is a negative emotional reaction. This has been somewhat difficult for me because I never know what someone I am talking to will think or how they will react. It has left me feeling defensive and reluctant to share. When talking to another mother with both biological and adopted children recently she said, “When you tell people you are pregnant, everyone congratulates you. When you tell them you are going to adopt, they seem to think that their approval is needed.” Interesting point, isn’t it? Although, even when you give birth biologically, if there is a perceived moral issue involved, then people also tend to think their approval is needed. For example, the Duggars of the 19 Kids and Counting show has had their share of disapproval.

While there are moral arguments both for and against international adoption, we did not decide to move forward with this international adoption at this time because of these arguments. Actually we never thought we would be adopting this way at all.

When I was 7 years old I learned what “adoption” was because I had a friend who was adopted. When I learned that their were babies and little kids out there who did not have any mothers or fathers, I was sold out to the idea of adopting them. Since then, and especially as an adult, I have researched and learned about adoption whenever an opportunity presented itself. I even went to an adoption expo as a single 24 year old woman. My husband and I have talked about this since we first met. When I was 8 months pregnant with my first child Benjer came home from a meeting he had where he met a father who had just brought home his adopted son and, even though I was about ready to have my own child in one month, I nearly jumped out of my seat with anticipation and excitement for when we could adopt. I have literally felt called to adopt for 25 years, and have been being waiting that long for the “go ahead” from our situation and from God to adopt.

Our plan was to have two biological children and then wait until they were older to adopt children that were younger from them through foster care. We thought it was a good plan, financially, because children who are older and in the system do not require the same money as babies or international adoption do, and also with family dynamics. Then God showed us He had a different plan for us these past few months.

I started to feel an urge, a deep desire, to have more children… but not another baby. I was really confused by this at first because I knew I did not want to be pregnant and have another biological baby again. But, I felt this almost disturbing nagging inside that we needed to consider having more children now. I asked Benjer to pray about this, because, who knows? Maybe it was just my hormones. He prayed and he felt, to some disappointment, that it really wasn’t the Lord’s prompting to have another biological baby. So I kept on praying and seeking the Lord in all of this because the feeling did not go away. Then I realized this feeling for more children might be my go-ahead to adopt. So, we prayed some more. Then we asked some of our close friends and family who have a good prayer life to pray for discernment for us. One friend who serves as a missionary right now on the other side of the world said that when she was praying she felt she was given a very clear message to us that we should proceed with adoption, internationally from Easter Europe. A child with special needs. That seemed quite specific! Then I talked with my mother, who lives in Colorado, and she said that she also had a specific feeling in her prayer life that we should adopt from Eastern Europe. I, too, in my prayer life had felt led to Eastern Europe. It just seemed to be one confirmation after another.

Obviously, this is a little unusual to say the least. This kind of spiritual confirmation isn't something that Benjer and I have experienced on a regular basis, and it's certainly not an expected daily occurrence for followers of Jesus. But it is quite exciting, too! I am very thankful that we were blessed with these specific experiences of people feeling led through their prayers to tell us to adopt internationally now, because when I have faced opposition to our decision I have had these experiences to give me strength. I do not need to win moral arguments or even have it make sense. Because it doesn’t make sense at all. We don’t have the money to finance this kind of adoption and our children are significantly younger (2 and almost 4) than would be recommended for this, depending on how long our wait is. But God does have a history of asking his followers to do things that don’t seem to make sense to show how His ways are so much better, and He also has a history of asking his followers to do things that they couldn’t possibly do on their own to show His power and glory.

We are so excited (and scared at times) to see God continue to show up in this to show His plan and His power and His glory. Because that is all that really matters in this whole endeavor anyway.

To read more adoption posts and to sign up for email updates, visit our adoption page.

Video of the Week: CNN Story on the Passion Conference and Ending Slavery

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Pretty amazing this made it on CNN:

Dear Youth Pastor

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Dear Youth Pastor:

I consider myself to be on top of my game when it comes to youth ministry. Not only is my youth group one of the biggest in town, but most of the popular kids from the local high school attend our church as well. The youth ministry continues to grow, all with very little help or oversight from our senior pastor and church board. So, it surprised me a bit when my senior pastor called me into his office for a meeting and told me that he wanted me to find a mentor for myself, perhaps an older youth pastor who has been serving a bit longer than I have.

The request was so shocking that I didn't even bother to tell him that there is no such thing as an older youth pastor--especially one who's anything close to cool. I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out why in the world my pastor thought I would need a mentor! I attend all the best youth ministry conferences a few times a year, subscribe to the blogs of the coolest youth pastors out there, and listen to their podcasts every week. Why on Earth would I need a mentor? The last thing I need in my already packed schedule is to sit with someone in a coffee shop a few times a month and talk about things I clearly know enough about. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Annoyed in Annapolis

Annoyed:

This predicament might be a little difficult for you to get out of, but I will do my best to give you a fighting chance. One of the problems is that your pastor believes there is a significant connection between your personal and ministry lives. In addition, he probably thinks that you'll benefit from meeting with someone face-to-face where you can learn from his or her experience. What he doesn't understand is that you get all the instruction and training you need from famous pastors and authors. Not only do you read and hear about how ministry is supposed to be done, but you can do it without actually having to get to know someone or actually spending time with them.

My advice is this: find someone who's tolerable to spend time with to be your mentor, and meet with that person as little as possible. That way, you can keep your senior pastor happy, while not taking too much time away from the really valuable mentoring: podcasts, conferences, and blogs. Hopefully, this will just be a phase, and your senior pastor will come to his senses. After all, you and I both know that while there may be some benefit to face-to-face conversations with others, there is no substitute for reading someone's blog when it comes to learning all there is to know about life and youth ministry. And who needs a mentor when you attend at least two youth ministry conferences each year? Hopefully, this whole thing will be straightened out for you very soon.

Sincerely,
Youth Pastor

Dear Youth Pastor is a public service to the good people who read this blog, and letters are published every Thursday. To ask Youth Pastor a question, just email him at DearYouthPastor@hotmail.com.

Youth Ministry Leadership - Making Something Out of Nothing

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Credit: Creative Commons (piermario)

It's finally 2012, which means for many of us a new budget season. One of the biggest complaints I hear from youth workers (besides a poor relationship with the senior pastor) is a lack of funding from the church's general budget. Often times, the complaint comes in this form: "We'd really like to do [fill in the name of a great, game-changing, better-than-the-Holy-Spirit program here], but I put it in my budget and the board cut it."

I get it. I've felt the same way. And looking back, I can see I was dead wrong.

I'm not naïve. I know that things cost money. Bibles to give out to guests cost money. Camp rentals cost money. Parent seminars cost money.

However, to see yourself as the youth pastor pitted against the church board (or whoever gets to sign off on your budget) is not the answer. I used to go into budget meetings ready for battle with the board, who had the power to approve or cut MY (not the youth ministry's) budget. My goal was to come away with my initial numbers as intact as possible. And how I felt about the board's leadership competence was directly related to whether or not they agreed with my plans for the year and how much money was needed to go through with those plans.

Before you go into your 2012 budget meeting armed and dangerous, may I suggest we all learn a lesson from the good people of Mitterfirmiansreut?

Yes, that's Mitterfirmiansreut. And no, I didn't sneeze. (And no, I have no idea how to pronounce it.)

The year was 1911. Attending church on Sunday for the residents of Mitterfirmiansreut, Germany meant a 90-minute walk--in good weather--to the nearest church in Mauth. It was not unusual for the road to Mauth to become impassible during the winter months. The residents of Mitterfirmiansreut appealed to their Catholic leaders to build a small church in their town so that they could attend church year-round, but to no avail. So, they built their own church, made out of the only construction materials they had an abundance of: ice and snow. This is the church as it looked in March of 1911, after some warmer weather began to melt their frozen church building:

Mitterfirmiansreut snow church, March 1911

You may have some great ideas for 2012 that require more budget money than your church or the current economic climate is able to allow. Perhaps you believe a certain initiative ought to have a higher priority in the church budget than it does. Or maybe times are simply financially tough in your church, and you it's difficult enough to keep the doors open and the lights on, let alone fund a new youth ministry initiative, no matter how much of an impact it might have. You may feel at times you feel like the people of Mitterfirmiansreut did, and you find your budget issues to be just as impassible as the road to Mauth in the winter months. Maybe it's time to make a church out of snow and ice, because that's all you've got available at the moment.

Do churches sometimes place too little importance on ministry to teenagers and their families? Yes. Will you continue to be occasionally frustrated because there is something you would like to do in your ministry that you whole-heartedly believe will change lives, but there just won't be enough money in the budget to pay for it? Probably. But complaining about it will get you nowhere, and you might even miss some creative solutions that are staring you in the face. Like the snow and ice of Mitterfirmiansreut.

By the way, to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the first snow church, the people of Mitterfirmiansreut have built another:

Question: What resource limitations are you facing in 2012, or have you faced in the past? What creative "snow churches" have you built (or will you build) to overcome those challenges?

Great Post By a Missionary Friend: "The One Percent and Me"

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Please head over to Aspen Leaves to Acacia Trees to read a great, thought-provoking post from my friend Jim, a missionary in Kenya. He's got a great perspective on the "Occupy" movement here in the U.S. and wealth distribution. While you're there, I recommend you poke around their blog for a few minutes, and perhaps even consider supporting them financially; they're looking to make up about $250 a month in support.

Here's an excerpt:

My parents visited last month and we celebrated an early Christmas with them - ham, cranberry sauce and all. After eating, I took some of the traditional meal to our yard-worker, Edward. He had a great time trying all the foods. He really liked cranberry sauce, enjoyed the ham. His favorite part was the stuffing; he didn't care for the olives. NONE of it was familiar to him. After he'd eaten it and had seconds of the stuffing and that precious cranberry sauce he asked, "You eat like this every Christmas?"

"Yep." I couldn't admit to him that I would have normally eaten twice the amount he'd just had OR that we'd had a meal like that only a month ago when we celebrated Thanksgiving or that we'd probably do it all over again when Easter came around.

"Wow!" Wonder filled his face. That he couldn't really fathom being wealthy enough to eat one meal like that was obvious - and Edward's a guy living on MORE than two dollars per day - better than over 50% of the world population!

I'm rich. I use the internet, own a car, buy health insurance, have running water (hot water, no less) and listen to an ipod. Maybe I'm not the one percent - but I eat until I'm full.

Read it all.

Video of the Week: Sugar Plum Fairy on Glass Harp

noreply@blogger.com (Benjer) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:50:00 +0000

Not directly related to ministry...just really, really cool:

Discipleship Family Ministry

Video of the Week: Youth Ministry Boot Camp

Dear Youth Pastor

New Doesn't Impress For Long

We Cancelled Wednesday Nights (and lived to tell about it)

JustOne: An Online Conference for Women in Ministry and Pastors' Wives

Video of the Week: Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

Dear Youth Pastor

Book Review: Know Why You Believe by Paul E. Little

Should students have to do fundraisers to help fund the YM budget?

Martin Luther King Jr. I have a Dream Speech (Video)

Rick Reilly: I Believe in Tim Tebow

Our child waits...

Video of the Week: Mr Bean in Church

Dear Youth Pastor

How to Alienate and Burn Out a Pastor's Spouse

Pay Your Leaders

Do your students and families have to fundraise for the YM budget?

Why Are We Adopting Now?

Video of the Week: CNN Story on the Passion Conference and Ending Slavery

Dear Youth Pastor

Youth Ministry Leadership - Making Something Out of Nothing

Great Post By a Missionary Friend: "The One Percent and Me"

Video of the Week: Sugar Plum Fairy on Glass Harp

Top Videos of 2011

Top Posts of 2011, Part 2