I’ve worked as a copywriter for a big, American company for 4 years now. So I’m fluent in the language of ‘business speak’. (Or, as I’ve affectionately renamed it, Corporate ****. Fill in the blanks – you’ll be right.) But ‘ideation’ has recently moved up my own personal chart of words (is it even one of those?) which is just unnecessary. And ridiculous. And usually used by someone who’s not particularly clever to pretend that they are, in fact, rather clever.

Circle back, reach out… fall over

But the invitation to this session of ideating (sounds like it’ll hurt) is just the tip of the corporate-speak iceberg. I’ve ideated ‘against’ particular topics and ‘circled back’ on others. I’ve ’touched base by end of play’ and am often advised to ‘reach out’ to my fellow colleagues to ensure that we’re all ‘singing from the same song sheet’.

Seriously – some of these phrases just sound plain rude to me. Don’t even get me started on ‘low-hanging fruit’.

Luckily for me, the person I report to is the Plain English Campaign’s number one fan. Not only would I be laughed at if I started sentences with ‘Going forward…’ I think it could jeopardise my bonus.

So I’m encouraged to have fun with the barrage of unnecessary jargon that’s fired at me daily. Corporate Bingo is the best way to liven up a dull meeting – if we need to be ‘proactive’ about an issue, that’ll get us 10 points; if it’s an issue we need to ‘cascade’, that’s a 20. Let’s do a Mexican wave as an energiser to celebrate!

Synchrobloodymeshing

Laughing at these words and phrases, and the people who use them, certainly makes the working day more entertaining. (Best done inwardly, or not at all, if the CEO’s involved). I’ve started challenging my peers when they use convoluted language, and recently asked a colleague what he meant by ‘syncromeshing’. He wasn’t entirely sure.

But the one that takes the business biscuit, and which appeared in an email from someone fairly important a few weeks ago, concerned a problem that could’ve been disastrous but turned out not to be. It was, apparently, a ‘bat up our nightdress’.

I’m not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing. And as for the fact that we also, collectively, appear to be sharing one nightdress, well, that’s another post entirely…

Today’s guest blogger is Vicky Sandison. Vicky is a copywriter for a toys and games company and, in her spare time, swears on Twitter.

Most of the time it’s not a problem. Shifting the gear into fourth instead of second isn’t really the end of the world, although tapping the brake instead of the throttle does have the power to surprise both learner and instructor.

Pining for simplicity

This unfamiliarity with controls reminded me when I started using email for work purposes. I was perfectly confident with the technology (I used Pine as far back as 1993, but as I knew only two other people I could write to, the scope for making a cock up was fairly limited), but I really wasn’t familiar with the controls.

So, one of my first moves when I started work at Education Extra (a charity that no longer exists) was to send an email to a friend saying how much I was enjoying myself, and how nice everyone seemed to be.

Just as well I didn’t think they were all halfwits – I sent the message to the whole organisation by mistake.

No Bill Posters

That was a happy error. A less fortunate one was when I opened a message from a friend called Bill, only to find that he’d forwarded me an email I’d written to a journalist on the Times Educational Supplement.

I simply couldn’t understand how, or why, Bill had the email in the first place. Surely there must be something wrong with our system?

I hammered out a quick response and pressed ’send’.

How the fuck did that happen?

Moments later, I got my response.

I don’t know. How do you think?

And then it dawned on me. Yes, the email was from someone called Bill… but this Bill was a journalist on the TES. A man I’d never met. A man I was hoping to place a story with.

I hammered out a new email. The subject line was…

Abject apology…

And the funny thing was, I got my story in.

But I soon got a better grip on those controls.

However, if you are into technology or on the web, many people become familiar with these names and terms – they just seem to know what they are and what they do.

When words become verbs

As a result, strange words tend to “grow” on you and eventually turn into verbs. For example, “I skyped my mom this morning” is a completely acceptable sentence in my household. Brand names turn into common nouns – as in “your podcast wasn’t the best I’ve heard from you” or “click on the Twitter logo, I said!”

This is nothing new though – Kleenex is a brand name. And Google requests that it is not used as a verb – as in “I googled you last night”.

Dumb terminals for thin clients?

The latest word I’ve struggled with is smartphone. Chris Herborth tells me it is a legacy term held over from the former era of “dumb terminals” and “smart terminals”. Dumb terminals (also known as thin clients) were only used as input/output devices and relied on another computer for their real processing power. Smart terminals were able to rely on their own processing power and could perform more functions. Therefore, we use the phrase smartphone because we use the handsets for much more than just calling our friends and family.

The most interesting thing is that the term smartphone is used only when referring to other brands other than the iPhone. It seems an iPhone is in a class all to itself. I usually ask people – do you use an iPhone or a smartphone? I must change this question to be – what kind of smartphone do you use? Or, what kind of web phone do you use?

Smart marketing

Marketers have latched onto it though – implying that you are “dumb” if you do not have a “smart” phone. Doesn’t everyone want to be smart?

Word origins can be fascinating to research if you are into words and how they evolve. Have a look at the word telephone.

PS: This may reveal my geeky side a bit too much, but if you get a chance, watch the Star Trek Next Generation episode where Picard speaks only using metaphors. No one could understand him unless they were a part of the community which knew the history behind those metaphors. This is probably how my five-year-old daughter feels when I start talking about social media.

Susan Varty is a freelance technical writer who specializes in user guides, training manuals and last-minute proposal preparation. Throughout her career, Susan has worked for IBM, Compuware and Franklin Templeton Investments. Feel free to contact her through her website at www.wordtree.ca or read an article about her on Business Consulting Buzz.

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Yes, it’s a scantily-clad woman and – far more offensively – she’s put a dot over a capital ‘I’. But that’s as nothing compared to the writer (or possibly sub-editor) who thinks that ‘mangle’ is spelt ‘mangel’. Maybe the culprit’s from Lincolnshire – they do a good line in mangelwurzels up there.

Still, it made me laugh – and it made lots of people on Twitter laugh as well. As you can see, the link got passed around a fair bit.

Imagine my dismay, then, that the killjoys at Wapping decided to clean up the piece – not only correcting the duff spelling, but substituting the picture and caption at the head of the page. I mean, where’s the inspiration in this?

And before you get all steamed up, there is a sort of serious point to this. If you want people to be literate, you need to encourage them to play with language and have fun with it. So, why remove this caption?

Dot the i’s, cross the tease… a lesson to remember

Only to replace it with:

Back to basics… learning the foundations of any language is key

It might not be illiterate, but it’s deeply boring. And that’s a much worse crime than spelling ‘mangle’ wrong.

Don’t you think?

I’ve also learned that web designers and copywriters are very much alike. I like to think we’re a bit like the English and the Germans – while we like to think we are different, the fact is we’re very closely related.

Captain Caveman

Think about it. Copywriters focus on content, making it engaging and ironing out grammatical glitches. It’s essential work if you want good articles, web pages, stories, product descriptions and so on. But good copy has the same lineage as good design – back in the Stone Age, cave paintings were both a form of communication and artistic design. Likewise, the Egyptians – arguably the greatest civilisation to date – married writing and design in their superb hieroglyphics.

These days, copywriters are often asked to supply content for well-designed sites. But do their own sites always bring together good writing and design?

Sometimes.

Copywriters’ websites

The other day, I advised a copywriter to look at this site, as I believe Ben has a good balance between content and design. You immediately know what the site is about, even if it could do with a few more images dotted about it. On the same note, my own site could certainly do with more written content.

It’s important to get that balance, though. If you think back to school and university, you’ll remember your teachers and lecturers using teaching methods that appealed to different learning styles – visual, auditory and kinesthetic.

It’s a good idea to implement these ideas into your website. It’s quite simple – use buttons, forms and other clickable elements for kinesthetic users; for the auditory users, words will play out a rhythm in their minds; and visual users will lap up imagery and clear design that not only tells them what your site is for, but also lifts their mood.

Colour my mood

Colours are particularly important. There are lots of studies about colours and the moods they inspire – for example, blue is safe and corporate, while red means danger and excitement.

I cannot tell you how to write good copy, but I do know what excites the eyes and mind. And that’s why, to create the perfect website, you need to bring together three types of people – copywriters, web designers (for the look and feel of the site) and web developers (for the coding).

I confess to not being the best at writing articles – I’m a designer, not a copywriter. But I do feel passionate about design – and without good copy it is pointless. Similarly, you can have the best copy in the world – but without the visual appeal of images and pictures, it’ll just be a document.

This guest post was brought to you by Chris ‘Kip’ Carrier, Kip FX Design.

Rather than come up with a new way of asking it, I’ll pinch Rowena Forbes‘ comment wholesale:

Don’t you think, as people who are supposed to be ‘good with words’, that we really should be able to come up with a job title that actually conveys to people what we do?

Many of you agreed. When you tell people you’re a copywriter, most haven’t got a clue what you do for a living. Some think you do something with legal patents. Others think you put the little ‘c’ in the circle (ho, bloody ho).

But, yes – we could do with more clarity. Obviously, I want to attract clients who know what a copywriter or copywriting agency is – but what about those who want my services, but don’t know how to find them in Google?

So, what do you think? Should we continue to call ourselves ‘copywriters’? Or should we switch to ‘freelance writers’ or something completely different?

Share your thoughts below. I’m sure they’ll be clear ones…

Besides, in my line of work, social insecurity would be commercially suicidal – I’m supposed to be helping people use words. Fat lot of good I’d be at it if I spent my life worrying that some clients weren’t worthy of my services, or feeling uncomfortable about the ones whose social position I coveted.

We’re in the same boat

Even more to the point, I’ve got fairly simple tastes (though I do appreciate quality), and I have an aversion to wealth for wealth’s sake. Naked celebrity leaves me cold (though I admire character and talent). For what it’s worth, my attitude could best be summed up by Jerome K. Jerome in Three Men on a Boat:

Let your boat of life be light, packed with only what you need – a homely home and simple pleasures, one or two friends, worth the name, someone to love and someone to love you, a cat, a dog, and a pipe or two, enough to eat and enough to wear, and a little more than enough to drink; for thirst is a dangerous thing.

I’d probably not opt for the dog, and it’s been a while since I gave up smoking; so I’d swap those items for music and films. But the gist is about right.

But do copywriters have status?

It’s a reflection of how little I care about the question, but today was the first time I asked myself whether copywriters actually had any social status.

I thought about it for a bit, and then concluded that the answer was ‘yes, no, and so what?’.

Copywriting is a broad church. Effective marketing copywriters can haul in millions and live a playboy lifestyle. Enthusiastic online copywriters like me can earn more than enough for the homely home and simple pleasures, and stick what’s left under the mattress. Sadly, some copywriters scrabble for work and settle for tuppence per word from some copywriting mill.

Copywriting to organised crime

And that led me to conclude that copywriting as a livelihood doesn’t have a social standing in the same way as, say, medicine, the law or organised crime. Depending on what we copywriters can do, what we can earn from it, and what talents we bring to the job, we can fit chameleon-like anywhere into the social structure.

Personally, I’m happy where I am – wherever that may be. I work hard, try hard and – on occasion – think hard. And I’ve built up a loyal crowd of clients who judge me on the basis of the work I do, rather than by my job title. And they like it and come back for more.

Which, I think, is the reason I’m very happy in what I do.

What about you?

Unlike the bespoke and personal service offered by a good copywriting agency or freelance copywriter, Copify wants to build up a huge bank of ‘writers’ who are willing to churn out copy for as little as 2p per word, and then match them up with companies who want content at rock-bottom prices.

In other words, they want suckers to write for cheapskates.

Fine by me

Personally, I don’t care if Copify want to make money out of cheap content. Nor do I feel my profession is threatened by the fact Copify offers ’standard’ and ‘professional’ copy (the latter pays a whopping 4p a word – or, at least, did yesterday). After all, if there’s a company that’s based on a model that is bound to generate hundreds of dissatisfied customers, then some of them may well come in my direction.

Nor do I care that Copify has missed the point that crap online content for SEO purposes is likely to backfire in the near future (Tom Albrighton nails this nicely). Once again, I can see plenty of new clients coming to me licking their wounds, wondering why their site has dropped off Google.

Good luck to them, but…

I’m all for enterprise, as long as all parties are satisfied. It’s not my place to dictate how people conduct client relationships. But I’m also very interested in the role copywriting has in social media, brand reputation and all the other elements of online marketing.

And these guys have cocked it up badly

The first rule of business is that you work with people you trust.

You trust people, in part, because they know what they’re talking about. They do their homework, they are authorities on their subject, and you learn from them. And, ideally, the opposite holds true.

So, if you’re setting up a new business, you should…

Research your market

When Copify launched, there was a massive backlash on Twitter among copywriters who were angry at the low rates of pay on offer. It was the old quantity vs. quality debate once again.

As@harryfiddler put it:

@copify 20c a word for 2500 words. $2 pw for 250 words. $20 pw for 25 words. The 25 words will be the one you use.

Fair enough. But if Copify’s research had found that people were willing to accept the 2p or 4p per word offer, they should simply have stuck tight.

Instead, thanks to pressure from outraged copywriters, Copify quickly introduced a new 8p per word rate – for top tier writers.

Two’s company…

The people at Copify will no doubt say that they’ve been listening to their critics. That they’re flexible.

Maybe so. Or perhaps they were just wholly unprepared.

Let’s go back to a tweet I posted yesterday, addressed to one of Copify’s most outspoken critics:

@Mr603 Finally taken a proper look. No contact page/ address. Domain registrant concealed. No Copify at companies house. Not a good vibe.

Personally, I like to know who I’m dealing with. A website that gives me no contact details, doesn’t belong to a registered company and doesn’t include contact details in its WHOIS record is – well, let’s say I wouldn’t trust it an inch.

Not off the register

So, I had to laugh when I discovered that Copify had – today – registered itself as a company at Companies House and added an ‘About’ page to its site.

Again, they’ll say it shows they listen. I say they’re unprepared for launch.

Get this. I tweeted that Copify had just registered as a company. It came back with:

@benlocker we have only just moved into new offices, this is why we have only just been able to do this.

Er, no. My company is registered at my accountant’s address. It leaves me free to change my business address without hassle. It’s a standard arrangement.

As I said, trust is based on authority. If you believe that you need to move into new offices before you register your company, I know you don’t know what you’re talking about – and I don’t trust you.

Openness or censorship?

Most interestingly of all, Copify hasn’t hesitated to block Twitter users that have questioned its mode of business, and it has also deleted tweets. As any fule kno, this is a classic way of using social media to trash your online reputation and get acres of criticism into the SERPs (search engine results pages). It’s something that a good copywriter is often asked to help sort out, usually by writing copy that pushes the negative stuff down the rankings.

Out to lunch

Anyway, it’s taken me about an hour to knock out this post. And at 2p per word, that would have bagged me about £8 or £9.

If that’s the sort of money that appeals to you, then go ahead and sign up with the new content mill. But ask yourself – do you really trust them?

But what about the words you hate? The ones that appear like dog turds on the pavement of prose?

I can’t speak for you, but mine are:

1. Peruse

Using the word ‘peruse’ marks you out as a hater of the English language. It is affected, self-regarding, ugly and completely unnecessary. And if you’re the sort of person who likes to ‘peruse at your leisure’, then you ought to be shot. Twice.

2. Musings

One of the main rules of the internet is to never read a blog that claims to be someone’s musings – no matter what the topic. It will be almost certainly be boring, ego-massaging tosspottery (‘tosspottery’ is a fine word).

3. Incentivise

What’s wrong with motivating or encouraging people? Why do we need this revolting arrangement of letters?

4. Beverage

It’s a fecking drink.

5. Mains

When I think ‘mains’, I’m thinking about water and electricity supplies. I’m not thinking about what I want for dinner. If you can’t be bothered to arrange your menu with imagination, ‘main courses’ will do nicely.

6. Leverage

You almost certainly mean ‘use’, so grow up and stop mouthing empty phrases.

7. Obligate

Are you a biologist? No? Then you almost certainly mean ‘oblige’. Stop trying to be clever.

8. Guesstimate

It’s still a guess. Any more compound words like this and we’ll all end up German. Stop.

9. Roll-out

Pretty much the only time this one is acceptable is when you roll out the barrel. You have been warned.

10. Competencies

Use this one and clarity ain’t what you’re good at. And you’ve just lost any chance of me becoming a customer.

So, there you go. Ten horrible words, chosen almost at random, which all make me feel the writer has scraped his nails down a blackboard.

Which ones would you choose?