Inspired by an earlier advert that won us plenty of business — ‘How to create a website that sells‘ — this one gives you 15 great tips for writing sales letters that bring home the bacon.

But for a bit of added interest, all 15 tips are taken from the 1914 book by murderer Louis Victor Eytinge, Writing Business Letters That Get the Business.

While the sentences have been chopped and reordered to fit the format, every single one of the tips is in Eytinge’s own words. Hell, we’ve even left the American spelling in place. Let’s hope it gets US clients reaching for their checkbooks.

Whether the ad wins us any business remains to be seen. But if nothing else, Eytinge’s story is a fascinating one and his techniques could do with a modern audience. Give them a read if you’ve a minute or two to spare.

After all, if he managed to write his way out of prison, just imagine what his insights could do for your business.

(Click on the image below to download a hi-resolution pdf of the advert.)

By the way, did you know sales letters are on the up at the moment? My theory is that, because they’re not as common as they were in pre-internet days, they have much more impact on the people you send them to — it’s a rarity value.

“Misery makes for better copy,” Collins noted, before adding: “As Montherlant once wrote ‘happiness writes white’”.

Montherlant actually wrote “Happiness writes in white ink on a white page,” but the point still holds. When it comes to literature, books with a vein or (better) a big fat pipeline of misery running from page 1 to the bitter end are the ones the customers want.

Just think of that period in the 1990s when almost all bestselling authors wrote about their abusive childhoods in Ireland.

It led almost all people who’d had abusive childhoods in Ireland to become  bestselling novelists. And why blame them? They were simply satisfying readers’ insatiable demand for gloom.

Misery and copywriting

So far, so good. But what about misery and copywriting? Does injecting a bit of gloom into your copy get the cash register ringing?

If most business writing is anything to go by, then the general consensus would seem a categorical ‘no’.

Quit the opposite, in fact. The majority of 21st-century business writing is Utopian in a way that would get Chairman Mao nodding sagely with approval.

Turn to almost any business website. You’ll discover that:

• The products are peerless
• The service is without compare
• Every director has notched up success after success until the firm was able to move into its current, enviable premises (usually an industrial estate on the outskirts of some obscure town).

But it’s boring, isn’t it? We’ve read it all before.

On the other hand, being a bit of a misery guts can work wonders. It makes you stand out.

There was an advertiser back in the 1920s (or thereabouts — I don’t have the book to hand) who sold trousers by pointing out something like ‘They’re not great, but at this price they’ll do’. And with that pessimism, people believed him and bought his trousers by the truckload.

Or say you had a choice of two copywriters. Would you choose the one painted the picture of glittering and ever increasing success, or the one who wrote the following?

June 1970. Brown’s Hotel, Albemarle Street, Mayfair, London.

In those days June was a summer month. It was hot and muggy.

I was shaking – and dripping with sweat.

I had just finished persuading 106 furious creditors that I wasn’t a thief or crook.

And that I should leave the hotel in the same way I entered – on my legs.

One creditor had threatened to break them – and I’m a devout coward.

I’d go for the latter, wouldn’t you?

(So did lots of others. His name is Drayton Bird. The great David Ogilvy said he “knows more about direct marketing than anyone else in the world.”)

And now I’ve just given a massive plug to a better copywriter than me, it’s my turn to feel miserable.

So why don’t you give me a call to cheer me up? Who knows? I could even write some copy that gives both of us a reason to feel happy.

Forgive the moan. It’s because I’ve just read two wise paragraphs in a book called Sales Promotion by Mail — and realised how little we’ve learned since the day it was published in 1916.

If you’ve ever been bored witless by lengthy articles about a company’s founder and board, this paragraph is dedicated to you.

There is often a temptation to devote several pages of the publication to biographical sketches of the founder of the business or of the prominent officers of the concern, forgetting that the readers are far-off business men who read the publication solely for the information it may contain regarding the making of more profit. They read it for selfish purposes entirely, to gain knowledge that will be of practical benefit in conducting their business, and they are not interested in the early struggles and ultimate success of individuals personally unknown to them. A house organ that resolves itself into a limited “Who’s Who” may be a literary success and highly gratifying to the personal vanity of the people who pay the bills for its production but its influence as a selling medium will be nil.

And if the words ‘so what?’ have formed on your lips while reading about a company’s history, please accept this paragraph with my compliments.

The length of time a concern has been in business is often a favorite theme for lengthy articles of self-praise, and although a record of years has its value, what the reader wants to know is not what you were doing ten, twenty-five, or fifty years ago, but what you are doing now and your plans for the future. It might be well in this respect to remember an enterprising American’s “comeback” in London for a rival merchant who placed a sign above his door that read, “We have been in business here for two centuries,” The American at once had a large sign painted saying, “We have been in business here two weeks—ALL NEW GOODS, NOTHING STALE OR SHOP-WORN.”

It’s simple stuff. It wasn’t even novel in 1916. But since then, countless businesses and individuals have made the same expensive error of putting their own interests before their customers’.

Don’t make the same mistake — learn from other people’s. Give Sales Promotion by Mail a read today.

It won’t even cost you penny. This wisdom is long out of copyright…

I had a lot of fun writing leaflets, which I shoved (with much help) through people’s doors and published online.

But as always with these things, your views on the English language aren’t going to coincide with those of your neighbours.

That’s why, from a professional rather than political perspective, receiving the following email was a campaign highlight.

At the weekend I visited a relative in Hampshire where, on Saturday, we went to a Toby’s Carvery for a meal. Toby’s had a notice about their “menu’s” and another about their three roast meats and that, sometimes, they added a “forth“.

Then I came home and received and read your election letter.

I see that you have worked in seven different jobs and now have a copywriting business.  Surely three of these jobs (teacher, journalist and education project manager), and your current business, call for a good knowledge and use of the English language.  So why do you write “fed up of” twice in your first paragraph (when I assume you mean “fed up with“) and “bored of” in the second paragraph (when you mean “bored with“)?

Further, you ask can I vote for you.  Well, of course I can (i.e. am able) to vote for you.  But will I vote for you?  That’s a different question!  Then, again, “can” I help you?.  Of course, perhaps I can help, but will I help is again a different question.  And “kids” in your tweets  -  ugh!

So, what were/are our “kids” being taught?  History, perhaps, but not good English!  Did your editor not not mind bad English in his magazine?  And do the clients for whom you now write “copy” not know any better, anyway?

All good fun. So I sent over a cheery reply.

Many thanks for your email. I love a debate about the English Language.

I’m a copywriter. I know about writing for my audience.

When you write in the way (most of) your audience speaks and thinks, you get a better response.

All the evidence gathered from the last 120 years or so proves it. It’s about creating a bond with the reader.

I would love to write a different election letter for every resident, but there are 4,500 households. It’s not going to happen.

But I take your comments on the chin. And if you’ll let me send a few over in return:

1. My editor was a woman.
2. It’s a ‘Toby Carvery’, not a ‘Toby’s Carvery’.
3. If it were ‘Toby’s', the name would refer to a singular company — therefore you should have written ‘Toby’s had a notice about its “menu’s”…

Wishing you every kindness and — I hope — a friendly agreement to differ on how we wield the English language,

Ben

p.s. I have attached an advertisement for my agency. It will horrify you, but it has brought us brisk business. I got the idea for it from the great David Ogilvy.

I didn’t hear back.

There are two inviolable lessons to be learned from this.

1. If you write a letter slagging off someone’s grammar, you will make a hash of your own.
2. There’s nothing wrong with bored of. So there.

I loved it. We’d go to the park, take long walks round London and always find time to have a nap.

But because on those days I spent nearly all my time looking after him — and looking at him — something odd happened.

Whenever I looked at another adult, their heads and hands seemed massive.

And ever so slightly wrong.

My sense of scale was completely out of kilter.

Reality checkpoint

Something similar happens when you run your own business.

Because you plough every waking hour into your enterprise, your sense of scale goes awry.

Mine has. In reality, I’m building up a copywriting agency in Essex; but in my mind we’re about to open offices in London, Paris and New York.

Maybe we will — one day. But until that happens (and even then), I’ll continue to make sure someone else reads anything I write for the firm.

Not because I can’t sell what we do do, but because I’m worried I’ll sell something we can’t do.

And that’s a lightning quick way to wreck your reputation.

So if you’re in business and you’ve got something to say, ask yourself a quick question before you start writing.

How long have I been looking at this baby?

If it’s been a while, you need someone to look at it with fresh eyes.

Sometimes you’ll need to write one description for an entire range of products – and then have to describe each product in the range as well.

To do this effectively, just remember that individual customers aren’t usually going to buy the entire range. More often than not, the range is another way of getting people to look at the products themselves.

This mean generating curiosity and pointing people in the direction of the products most likely to appeal to them.

For (an entirely fictional) example, we’ll take the new Touch Me range of shampoos and conditioners by HairPerfection.

Describing a range

The new Touch Me range by HairPerfection

What is it in HairPerfection’s new range of Touch Me shampoos and conditioners that gives you the silkiest, most touchable hair wash after wash?

Each one has a unique formulation of all-natural nutrients and vitamins, targeted at your hair type – ensuring each wash revives your locks and leaves you with luxurious and healthy hair.

Simply choose the shampoos and conditioners for your hair type and learn how our dermatologically approved formula can transform your hair after just three washes.

Ok, so maybe it’s a little over the top [It is. Ed.], but asking a question, telling the reader about something new and offering them a reward for reading further are all good ways to start.

Now, let’s write something more specific for the individual item.

Describing an individual product

Touch Me Soft&Shiny

Lather some luxury into your hair with the new Touch Me Soft&Shiny 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Added vitamin E will leave your scalp smooth while soft  coconut oil will make sure that lustrous sheen never leaves your hair. And with our new conditioner added in, it’s the only bottle you’ll need to take the best care of your hair day and night. For frequent use – and simply natural hair.

As for the other 9 kinds of shampoo in the range, you may have limited ingredients, but that only means you need to become a more versatile cook.

And don’t forget, customers already know what shampoo does, so find ways of telling them how great their hair will look, feel, smell and even sound when they caress it. Then they’ll know how  the product does its magic.

Next up… Gushing – when it’s good, and why it isn’t always so.

(See all posts in this series)

In the last 10 years we have lived through a revolution in the way we store our knowledge. But while we can now browse an entire personal library on an electronic device the size of a paperback, there has been a burst of creativity in that most traditional of bookish accessories, the bookshelf. Bookshelves today are modern art, engineering experiments and, of course, status symbols. And this is the subject of my new book, Bookshelf (Thames & Hudson, £14.95) which is inspired by the blog of the same name, a pictorial guide to the world’s most intriguing bookshelves, bookcases and things that look like them.

Bookcases and bookshelves – whether they are shaped like Mexican snakes, made of felt or hold books upside down (all of which can be found in the Bookshelf book) – provide a welcoming habitat. Alberto Manguel’s portrayal of reading at home in The Library at Night (2007) is one of the most evocative descriptions of how a collection of books becomes more than a pile of papers, how even the very smell of his wooden shelves relaxes him. This is the library as emotional sanctuary. Or to put it another way, e-reading is all very well, but wouldn’t you rather keep your Proust in a bookcase shaped like a polar bear?

So please do take a brief video tour of the book below. Especially if you like the idea of a circular bookshelf in your sitting room.

Alex Johnson is a journalist and professional blogger. He is part of the online team at The Independent and runs the Shedworking and Bookshelf blogs.

Imagine you have to say something about a dress. You need to write a description of between 50 and 100 words appealing to an audience of young women in their late teens and early 20s.

This hypothetical new mini dress features:

• Floral print
• A one-shoulder strap design
• A tie waist.

Now we need to think about how these features benefit the customer. One train of thought might follow the line that…

• A floral print is perfect for summer and those days outdoors
• A one-shoulder design is very fashionable
• A tie waist gives you a beautiful silhouette and accentuates your figure.

If your reader is looking for a dress (and even if they aren’t), this one gives them a whole lot of style for their money.

Now we’re almost there. We can’t leave our thoughts as a bulleted list, so we need to work them into a structured narrative. This is where your creative genius starts earning its keep:

Slip into this gorgeous floral print mini to really feel the power of the flower this season.

In a cool one-shoulder design with colours that just shout ‘Summer!’ you’ll make a splash wherever you go, while a tie waist transforms your silhouette for effortless elegance.

So for all those long, sultry days in the sun, strap on a pair of gladiator sandals and prepare to shine.

Yeah, I’m sold. Add to basket.

Next up… Writing about individual products vs. writing about product ranges.

Structure makes product descriptions easier to read, helps the reader understand them, and keeps you moving forward after you’ve written number 99 and are working on 100.

For most product descriptions, a quick lesson from Aristotle can come in handy.

Seriously.

His Poetics was the earliest surviving play to use a three act structure, and it’s been a staple for writers ever since. Hollywood uses it often, and it’ll deliver the goods for your product descriptions too.

Here are just a few ideas to get your mental ball rolling.

Act 1

Begin with an exhortation or action:

“Try our new…”

“Take a look at this…”

“When you see…”

Set the scene:

“Avoiding kitchen nightmares is easier than you think…”

“Sitting in the sun on a hot summer’s day, there’s nothing better than…”

Juxtapose the product with a familiar idea such as:

“Autumn may rain reds and golds – but…”

“A dog may be man’s best friend, but yours is…”

Ask a question:

“Do you need…?”

“Is ___ letting you down?”

“Did you know that…?”

Act 2

Describe the product, relating features to benefits. Be specific and focus on what makes it unique.

“…With a three-button neckline and tie waist, our new sundress flatters your figure where it counts, while the embroidered floral detail and contrasting colours bring catwalk fashion to your wardrobe this season…”

Act 3

Relate the product to the customer’s life and add in a call to action. Suggest accessories, actions, situations that might complement the product, and play on the scene set in the beginning — or where you expect the product to be used. Also, talk beyond the sale by describing long-term benefits.

“…So order now and enjoy all the comforts of…”

“Next time you’re in the sun, don’t worry about ___, just make sure you have…”

“…It’s the perfect companion for…”

“…Just pick up a pair of ___ and a ___ and get ready to paint the town…”

These are just examples, however – there are many more ways to write a product description, and trust us, you’ll have to find them if you’re going to keep writing product descriptions.

Tip: Thinking about structure is important because the writing process for product descriptions isn’t always a simply creative one. Once you’ve written a few dozen and seemingly exhausted all your creative energy for the day, structure helps gives your tired brain a rational process to fall back on so you can write more… and more… and more.

Next up… Walking you through an example product description.

(See all posts in this series)

The product or its picture is in front of you, and you might have a few technical specs or details to hand. Now all you have to do is write about it.

Once you’ve written a few (hundred) product descriptions, you realise that the old adage ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ just isn’t true. Because if it were, you wouldn’t be completely lost, staring at the same thing you’ve just written about five times, depicted in a different colour. Something obscure, like teal.

At this copywriting agency, we’ve all been there. In that dark, dark place. With a teal handbag.

Here’s how we tackled two items where the only easily describable difference was the colour:

And…

Now try it again for the same item in gold, gunmetal, zebra print and leopard print. It’s not easy, but we managed to do it by thinking about 4 things:

1. Audience

Who are you writing for? And what are they going to be interested in? Simple considerations like these are a good place to start.

For example, men are generally more interested in technical specifications than women, who may find something about the product’s look or feel more engaging (yes, I know it’s a cliche).

A younger demographic might be more concerned with wearing something trendy than wearing something practical. And kids don’t buy their own toys online, their parents do, which means you need to balance fun with healthy dose of safety information.

2. Setting

If you’re lucky, you’ll get a set of products associated with a specific occasion. Even if you have to write about the same heart-shaped pendant twice, if one version is for Christmas and one is for Mother’s Day, the setting changes (almost) everything.

So ask yourself questions like ‘What season is that dress designed for?’ Or: ‘Where is that tasty meal meant to be enjoyed?’ Or: ‘What sort of occasion would those diamond studs make a great gift for?’

Why? You’re not just trying to find an angle – when you imagine a product in a particular setting, it’s more memorable. And that’s good for retailers.

3. Features & benefits

What the product does, or what it’s made of, isn’t as important as how the product benefits the person who buys it.

Turning features into benefits helps potential customers see how the product relates to their own lives – and gives them good reasons to buy it.

A new shampoo may have new formula X, but it doesn’t mean much to the customer unless they know exactly what new formula X does for them – so if it makes their hair thicker and glossier, spell it out.

4. Brand

Don’t forget the brand. What are they about, what’s the image they want to project – and importantly – what are the words they use to describe themselves?

Picking up on an association between product and brand can often be enough to get you started if you’re stuck for ideas.

So how does it work?

If you’ve got to write about multiple products that are very similar, change the setting, adjust the audience and focus more strongly on an individual feature or benefit. A bold red dress may appeal to a different personality than a subtle cream shade, even if the design is nearly identical.

It’s not easy to maintain quality when you have to write about the same thing again and again, so you’ve got to conserve your ammunition. In other words, don’t use all your ideas up in the first description.

It’s still going to be hard.

Next up… Structuring your product descriptions.

(See all posts in this series)