As I have shared here over the past few months, mostly through my Winter and Spring Shed Series, I have dealt with some challenging physical problems.

From weekly pelvic floor physical therapy (PT) sessions to try to address painful muscle spasms in my urethra and vagina (which I used to think were chronic urinary tract infections) to more recently going to see an Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) specialist to determine what might be causing or contributing to occasional, but reoccurring, nausea and dizzy spells, Garth Brook’s “Much Too Young (Too Feel This Damn Old)” song is starting to resonate with me. Though overall I still feel pretty good being 38 and am proud of how I try to eat healthy and exercise regularly.

The PT is really helping and I rarely experience muscle spasm “flare ups” anymore. When I do get them, I know what they are and what they are not, which helps me to get through them more calmly, understanding they don’t usually last very long these days and I have more tools to cope with them.

My first appointment with my ENT seemed to rule out a lot of things, which was a relief. Prior to that my PCP had done neurological tests in her office and sent me for blood work, both of which yielded normal results. While at the ENT’s office, I met with an audiologist, who ran a bunch of tests and concluded my hearing was fine. Ultimately the ENT thinks my bouts with vertigo-like symptoms may be connected with seasonal allergies, as well as some lock-jaw issues. He gave me helpful suggestions on how to address both, in addition to asking me to keep a diary for a few months in effort to note when I feel nauseous or dizzy what may have preceded it, such as not getting enough sleep, having caffeine, more sodium than usual and/or other things that could influence my equilibrium.

All of these doctor and therapy appointments have been a bit overwhelming, but I try to remind myself getting help and trying to figure out what is wrong, is better than suffering in silence, with no idea what could be causing my discomfort. I am certainly learning a lot about my body and mind and how everything is connected, including my organs, ears, nose and throat and how they can affect each other.

Finally, my ENT wants me to have a baseline MRI. He was very clear that he does not expect to find anything, but that he thinks it is a good idea, just in case, in light of the problems with nausea and dizziness I have experienced. The ENT also would have sent me for an echocardiogram, just in case, but I shared with him that I had one in 2008, during my pregnancy with Molly, and everything looked fine. He explained that what he would have been looking for with my heart, could not have developed since then, so it was unnecessary.

So tomorrow morning will be another first for me. I will get to experience an MRI.

I wasn’t particularly concerned about the procedure until I started telling a few people in my life about it and began to receive feedback about their experiences, including someone sharing she felt like she was in a coffin. Also, when I called to schedule my MRI, the person taking my information asked me if I was claustrophobic. I responded, “not that I know of.” But I also hadn’t thought about it much before that moment. Then she asked if I thought I would need to take a tranquilizer before the procedure. To which I said, “why?” and she replied, “some people do.” Again, until I heard that I wasn’t worried, but the whole interchange definitely put some ideas in my head about what it might be like, that I hadn’t considered before.

So here I sit, on the eve of my MRI and in spite of some of what I’ve learned, am feeling fairly optimistic about it. I intend to pray and practice my yoga and meditation breathing techniques to relax during the MRI and believe that I will be okay. Apparently it may take between 45 minutes and two hours, but I think I can handle it. I do ask that you please send your positive thoughts and prayers my way tomorrow afternoon as I experience my first MRI. Thank you.

Have you ever had an MRI?

If so, was it a positive or at least neutral experience?

Do you have tips to share about what worked for you?

Welcome to the ninth check-in for the Spring Shed!

Here is the back story about this support group/blog hop for those trying to be accountable for the positive changes we are making in our lives in 2013. After ten weeks of doing the Winter Shed, we moved on to this Spring Shed. Whether you are trying to shed weight, find more balance or let go of something else that is dragging you down in this second season of the New Year… We can do this — together!

Now to report on how I did during week nine of the Spring Shed and week nineteen in 2013:

1) Healthy Eating
A. Try to follow the U.S. government’s “Eat My Plate” recommendations (with emphasis on 3 servings of veggies & 2 fruit)

I did well with this, but still need to work on a third veggie serving most days and sometimes a second fruit serving.

B. Continue to practice portion control and count calories.

I did very well with this.

C. Limit my intake of sweets, soda, alcohol and other pelvic floor flare up triggers.

Again, I did well with this and experienced very few food related flare ups.

2) Keeping Fit (Physically/Emotionally/Spiritually) & Shedding Weight

A. Get 7 – 8 hours of sleep every night

I could have done better with this, this week, there were at least two night that I stayed up past 1:00 a.m.

B. Drink enough water

I did well with this.

C. Exercise 5 – 7 days each week

I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week. Last Friday I didn’t do any formal exercise, but it was a very active day (including grocery shopping and bowling). On Saturday Sean and I ran 5K in our neighborhood, I also did a good amount of walking and some toning/stretching. On Sunday/Mother’s Day my family and I participated in the Beverly Breast Cancer Walk, which is a 3 mile walk through our neighborhood. On Monday I got up early and walked with some neighborhood friends and the later in the day also walked with my mom. On Tuesday I ran 5K in our neighborhood, while pushing Abby in her jogging stroller, on the hottest day we have had this year, so we were slow going. On Wednesday I taught Step `n Sculpt at Beverly Bodyworks. On Thursday I ran 5K in our neighborhood, walked and did some toning/stretching.

D. Train for a few Spring 5K races

I ran 5K/3.1 miles three times this week, including one run with Sean and one pushing Abby in the stroller. Our neighborhood’s annual Memorial Day Ridge Run 5K is only 10 days away! Sean and I are getting excited for his second and my

E. Shed 1 – 2 lbs. per week

I lost 1 lb. this week, for a total loss 9.5 lbs. in 19 weeks (since Friday, December 28, 2012).

As of Wednesday, I was actually down 1.5 lbs. for a total loss of 10 lbs. since December, which was a big milestone for me! I was 0.5 lbs. from what I weighed in early 2007 before we began our first of four ART cycles! I am almost there! I did bounce back up 0.5 lbs. since Wednesday, but am pleased to have gotten there, if only for a day so far!

F. Meditate & pray daily

Again I did not formally meditate much, but I did focus on my breathing some when I was stressed and I did pray a lot.

3) Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy (& Other Health Issues)

A.  Go to my physical therapy sessions (&/or other doctor appointments) as scheduled

I had a good PT session this week. Things are going so well that we may soon switch to every other week or even once a month!

I also met with an Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) specialist to have him evaluate why I might be having nausea and dizzy spells (possibly vertigo). It went well and over all he and the audiologist who checked me out didn’t find anything wrong. He wants to me to keep a diary of when I feel nauseous or dizzy and note if there is anything I ate or did that could have contributed, such a not enough sleep the night before (which I definitely struggle with at times). He said that he thinks my issues may be connected to my allergies, law jaw issues (I have a bit of) and intake of sodium and caffeine (which he said can exacerbate  the problem). He changed my allergy medicine from a 24 hour generic Zyrtec (daily in the morning) to a 24 hour generic Allegra (daily in the evening) and added a saline nasal spray. He mentioned that gum chewing (which I do a lot) can contribute to lock-jaw issues and if I grind my teeth at night (which Bob says I don’t) I could ask my dentist for a mouth guard. I will be watching my sodium and caffeine intake, but I don’t have that much to begin with.  Finally, he doesn’t expect them to find anything, but is sending me for a baseline MRI next week, just in case. So that will be a first for me and I am trying to keep calm and not worry too much about the experience.

B. Watch my dietary triggers

I did well with this.

C. Do my “homework” (i.e. PT exercises, stretches and such and now also keeping track of what could be contributing to vertigo issues)

I did okay with this, but not great.

4) Housekeeping

A. Basics Daily (dishes, laundry & straightening)

I did well with this.

B. Weekly Cleaning (dusting, sweeping, scrubbing & mopping)

I didn’t do much here this week.

C. Organizing & Purging (sorting, filing, selling &/or donating)

I did well with this.

5) Family & Faith Focus

A. Bob: Hanging out together with my husband at home, on date nights and spending quality time and have fun together with our family (including family meals, game nights, movie nights, day trips and vacations).

On Saturday evening Bob and I watched the movie 50/50 together, which we have both wanted to see for a while and really enjoyed. As you may know, it is a comedy about cancer, but also really makes you think about life and relationships, especially how they can be tested when faced with serious illnesses and other unexpected game-changing experiences.

Bob, Sean and Abby participated in the Beverly Breast Cancer Walk again this year on Mother’s Day with me, which was awesome. Then we went to church and Bob made a delicious brunch for us at our home, preceded by donuts as appetizers from our local Beverly Bakery (which are some of my many simple pleasures in life).

For Mother’s Day Bob and the kids got me the Sliver Linings Playbook DVD, which I have really wanted to see! We tried to watch it together on Sunday evening, but I fell a sleep (not because it wasn’t good, I was just really tired from getting up early and walking a lot)! So we hope to give it another go this weekend! They also got me a new clock radio that charges/is compatible with my iPhone 5.

We also had family dinners almost every night, which was really nice!

B. Sean: Spending quality time and have fun together when he not in school, activities or doing homework. Helping him to learn to manage his time well, take care of his belongings and keep his room and the basement play area clean and organized.

One highlight from this week was attending a Mother/Son bowling night hosted by the PTA at Sean’s elementary school on Friday evening. I really enjoyed spending time with Sean and some of his classmates’ moms. Sean also made me a creative homemade card/gift for Mother’s Day which was sweet.

Other memorable moments include Sean reading to me the third Harry Potter book as we drive around town. He is frustrated with me that I haven’t read all of the books in the series, like he has, and suggested he do this to help me catch up! Sometimes he even reads in a British accent with is cute/fun!

C. Abby: Spending quality time and have fun together when she is not at preschool, playdates or other activities.

Abby colored some pictures for me for Mother’s Day and made a beautiful hand painted pot for a plant at preschool that has a butterfly on it made out of her handprints and a flower made with her thumbprints. I also realized/was reminded that Abby likes to “help me” a lot around the house, whether it be sorting laundry or making things in the kitchen. This was a good reminder that I don’t have to wait until she is sleeping or busy to clean and organize, when she can do it with me or play near by.

Abby is getting ready for her first dance show and it is fun to watch her practices and dress rehearsals gearing up for the big recital in early June!

D. Molly & Babies Benson: Honoring their lives and memories, as well as trying to minister to other bereaved families and friends who have lost loved ones.

It meant a lot to me to visit the cemetery where Molly is buried on Mother’s Day.

I also continue to work on my project in honor and memory of Molly’s 5th Heavenly Birthday this year. If you haven’t already read my Team Caring Connection post, click here to check it out and maybe even make a donation. I am pleased to share that Team Caring Connection has raised over $2,100 for Advocate Children’s Hospital (including their Bereavement Program) and our local Ronald McDonald House and hope to raise more between now and the Running for Hope 5K Run/Walk that we are participating in on Sunday, June 2nd.

D. Extended Family: Appreciate the roles they play in my family and my life, be patient with the areas in which we don’t always see eye to eye and prioritize spending quality time and having fun together when possible.

It was wonderful to have our Axe family join us for the Beverly Breast Cancer Walk, church and brunch on Mother’s Day. Later that day we got to spend time and celebrate with Bob’s parents, which was nice and including ordering-in my current favorite kind of local pizza, Deep Dish Sausage from Palermo’s in Oak Lawn, for dinner.

E. Friends: Keep in touch, check in and show them I care. Get together when possible to spend quality time and have fun together.

On Friday afternoon Bob, Abby and I returned to the Catholic Theological Union (CTU) Graduate School of Theology and Ministry, where I last worked 10 years ago, before becoming a SAHM, to celebrate retiring President Fr. Don Senior’s 23 years of service. It was awesome to see Fr. Don and so many former colleagues. I also got to meet the current Director of The Peacebuilders Initiative and his family, which was the position I held when I worked there. At the luncheon they even unveiled the new “Fr. Donald Senior, CP, Honorary Way” at the intersection of 54th and Cornell in Hyde Park!

On Saturday afternoon we attended the First Communion Party for a good friend and his family. We have known him since he was born and it was an honor and a lot of fun to celebrate this milestone with his family and friends.

F. Faith Community (Parish, RE, MOPS & CRHP): Stay actively involved in our parish church community. Fulfill my responsibilities and enjoy the last two months of my involvement with the second grade religious education program, as a catechist, and the MOPS group I am a part of, before I transition out of both to focus more of my time and energy as Co-Spiritual Director for the Women’s CRHP retreat program at our parish.

On Monday evening our Women’s CRHP retreat team met for our Evening of Discernment to determine what roles each person will have on our retreat, including many of us giving witnesses (in which we talk about our lives and faith journeys). It was a prayerful and interesting experience to be a part of for the second time. I look forward to this next stage of the formation process with this wonderful and spiritual group of women.

6) Writing & Reading

A. My Blog: Aim to write at least two – three posts each week.

I shared four blog entries this week! I wasn’t planning to write that much, but sometimes I just roll with it when I am inspired.

On Saturday evening I wrote and shared this brief post with a nostalgic photo of my mom, sister and me when I was about the age that my daughter Abby is now: Celebrating and Remembering this Mother’s Day.

On Tuesday (the second of this month) I did the Time Warp by myself. I had considered taking a break after this month, but had the idea/inspiration to revisit someone else’s post, instead one of mine this time around, and felt that it would breath new life into this monthly blog hop/writing exercise to offer this alternative to reflect on going forward. I thought I had chosen a topic that would resonate with many, but for whatever reasons no one chose to participate this month, though Lori from LavenderLuz.com did link up one of her old blog entries that related to the topic of Cancer. I am also grateful for those who commented on my post, even if they didn’t choose to do their own. Here is what I wrote and shared: Time Warp Tuesday: Cancer

On Wednesday I wrote and shared this: A (belated) Special and Inclusive Mother’s Day Blessing about how I wish more parents got to hear the kind of special and inclusive blessing that we did at our church this past Sunday.

Yesterday (on Thursday), I wrote and shared this: A Dream Come True! about how excited I am to have the shirts that we had made for Team Caring Connection and what a moving experience it was for me to organize and sort them for our team members to wear on race day!

B. The Today Voice: Fulfill my weekly writing responsibilities through the end of June, which I have committed to and enjoy the process of writing about the weekly prompts.

This week, week 46, I shared about a few of my insecurities.

C. Exhale: Continue to serve as a Contributing Editor helping when I can with the publishing our website, as well as also writing reviews and/or essays each season.

I did not do anything with Exhale this week. But our call for submissions is open for our next issue:

Physical. Emotional. Mental. What Scars and Marks have you been left with during your journey through loss and infertility? Exhale is accepting submissions of short fiction, essay, poetry, art & photography for our new issue, “Scars and Marks,” which will begin posting at the end of this month. As always, we are also accepting poetry submissions for Still Standing’s Poetry Sundays, and book/movie/play etc. reviews. Email submissions to exhalesubmissions(at)gmail(dot)com

If this topic resonates with you, I encourage you to consider writing and submitting something for our Spring Issue.

D. Special Projects (First draft of my book & other freelance writing): Aim for 15 minutes a day, as when I have done that in the past I have been amazed at the incremental progress I am able to make.

I did not do anything in this category this week.

E. Read (books, blogs, magazines & other online news/articles of interest): This always seems to be at the bottom of my list of priorities, but is something I get so much out of when I find/make time to do.

I did not read anything but blogs and US magazines this week. Though Sean did read a bit to me, as I shared earlier. I look forward to starting Melissa Ford’s new novel Measure of Love (the sequel to Life from Scratch) in the week to come, followed by discussing it with Mel’s new GRAB(ook) Club.

F. Comment on others’ blogs: Prioritize this, with emphasis on return comments and then trying to check in and keep up with other blogs that I follow.

I did okay with this.

As I shared in the intro to my Winter Shed Series…

When I reflect on what has helped me to shed weight, get/stay in shape in the past, prioritize housekeeping tasks and find more balance in my life, accountability is huge! I have kept myself accountable various ways in the past, but this time I am finding doing so publicly here on my blog have been effective.

Once a week, on Fridays, from now until at least mid-June/Summer, I will continue to check in and share how my week has gone in the key areas I am working on. My hope and intention is that knowing I have this self-imposed report card to file will continue to motivate me to stay focused on my goals.

For those who want to join me in this “Spring Shed,” I will add a Linky Tool to my weekly Friday posts and you are welcome to link up to your Spring Shed blog entries, and/or you can comment here on how you are doing from week to week, so we can support and encourage each other, as well as share what works and what doesn’t for each of us when it comes to striving towards our goals.

Please join me and we can cheer each other on as we kick off the second season of 2013 strong (and stay the course long past February 16th)!

We can do this — TOGETHER!

You are welcome to grab the code for the Spring Shed button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer’s clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser’s Edit menu.

The shirts are here!

I picked up over 100 of them yesterday afternoon from Mt. Greenwood Embroidery, where they were screen printed, and love how they turned out! I am so grateful to Mt. Greenwood Embroidery and Running Excels for helping us to create our Team Caring Connection t-shirts and running shirts!

The four shirts pictured above are the ones that Bob, Sean, Abby and I will be wearing on Race Day as part of Team Caring Connection!

I spent much of today organizing and sorting the shirts for the families and friends of Team Caring Connection who ordered them to wear in honor and memory of our babies listed on the back, who left this world too soon and are always in our hearts. There are 40 families and over 50 babies represented, which both warms and breaks my heart.

I wish that these 40 families, including ours, could hold our babies in our arms, instead of our hearts. But understanding that isn’t possible, I appreciate how therapeutic this process is for all of us as we prepare to “Run for Hope & Remember Our Babies” on Sunday, June 2nd at the Advocate Children’s Hospital’s 6th Annual Running for Hope 5K Run/Walk.

This experience is truly a dream come true for me, to be able to make something so special come from something so sad for so many.

It brings me great peace and comfort to do this in honor and memory of our baby girl Molly this year, with April 17th having been the fifth anniversary of her birth and death.

Updated: I forgot to mention when I first wrote and shared this, that the process of sorting the shirts earlier today was very moving for me. I got chocked up many times as I saw the names of the babies and families who are a part of Team Caring Connection, reflecting on our journeys together through our Caring Connection perinatal support group at Advocate Christ Hospital. There is one couple in particular, who was at my first meeting in September 2006, and it was bittersweet for me to think about that experience and how far we have all come since.

Many thanks to everyone who has supported us on our journey with Molly over the years, to all who have joined Team Caring Connection and to those who have generously donated in honor and memory of our Molly and Babies Benson, as well as all of the babies we are running and walking to remember on June 2nd. Please continue to send your thoughts and prayers our way in these final weeks before race day.

It is not too late to donate and/or join Team Caring Connection! Click here to contribute and/or register for the 5K run/walk: http://www.active.com/donate/runningforhope2013/BensonFamily

You can also “like” our Team Caring Connection Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/TeamCaringConnection

Thank you so much!

“The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand,
The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers on the land,
The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains…
For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.”
~ Hardin Marshall

One of my newer blogging friends Em, from Teach Me to Braid, shared a beautiful and moving post earlier this month, called Church, about her efforts to raise awareness at her church about members who might find holidays such as Mother’s and Father’s Day difficult, as well as attending baptisms/dedications, because they are struggling with infertility and/or grieving the loss of a child. It reminded me of Lori’s post from around this time last year called Outliers.

Lori posted that blog entry the weekend of Mother’s Day 2012 and I in turn emailed a link to the pastor of our church and requested he share it with the other priests at our parish. I sent the message at about 8:30 p.m. on Saturday night, asking him to read Lori’s words and keep them in mind when preparing for Mother’s and Father’s Day masses in the days and weeks to come. I wanted them to be aware/reminded of the “outliers” Lori speaks of who don’t fit the traditional mold of a mother or father on such holidays, but still deserve to be included in special prayers and blessings on those holidays.

I was surprised, in a good way, when less than a half an hour later I got a reply to my email from our pastor! He shared with me the blessing they were planning to use at all of the Mother’s Day masses the next day, which was already very inclusive, and asked if I had any edits or suggestions to make it even more inclusive. I did have a few and sent them a long quickly with this message.

I added my suggestions below in (bold) and would love if you are able to incorporate them in some way to be a bit more inclusive. I added one line to included those who are trying to conceive their first child and those who may be struggling to have another. I also changed the line about those who have lost a child to those who have lost children (as sadly some have lost more than one). That said, I am very pleased with/proud of what you were planning to do/share already!

It made me so happy the next morning when this special blessing was read, including the changes I had offered.

Loving God,

You have given women the capacity of participating with you in
the creation of new life entrusting them with a sacred and precious gift.
And so we pray
for all of our mothers who have given us this gift of life;
for mothers who unconditionally love and nurture their children;
for expectant mothers, wondering and waiting;
for new mothers, coming to terms with new responsibilities;
for those who want to be mothers or have another child, hoping and trying;
for mothers who have watched their children grow into adulthood;
for mothers whose joy in their children is abundant
for those who struggle to balance the tasks of work and family;
for those whose children are physically, mentally or emotionally challenged;
for those who raise children on their own;
for those who have lost children;
for those who care for the children of others;

Grant your blessing on these our mothers.
May their love be deep and tender;
their care compassionate and unfailing.
May your Holy Spirit constantly inspire, guide and strengthen them.
so that they may lead their children to know what is good,
living not for themselves alone, but for God and for others.
We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen

This past Sunday, on Mother’s Day, I was very pleased to hear the same special and inclusive blessing read at mass. I was also moved when one of our associate pastors, who said the mass we attended, mentioned mothers who have lost children during his sermon. I wish more women and men attending Mother’s and Father’s Day services got to hear such special and inclusive blessings on those holidays.

As we prepare for Father’s Day next month, I encourage those who are in a position to educate and make such blessings, sermons and speeches more inclusive to do your best to make it happen. These are the two posts I shared in honor of Father’s Day the past two years, in which I also spoke to the importance of trying to be more open and inclusive on these parenting holidays in effort to be more sensitive to and with outliers, including those who have lost children and/or are trying to build or expand their families and having difficulty.

An Unusual Father’s Day Blessing (June 2011)

A Father’s Day Blessing (June 2012)

I will leave you with one of my favorite family photos from Mother’s Day this year. Once a year I like to be in a picture at our daughter/my children’s sister Molly’s grave at the cemetery. It means a lot to me to have this, though I wish our baby girl was still with us here to celebrate my being a mother to three amazing children.

Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the 31st installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday!

For those not familiar with Time Warp Tuesdays, which I host on the 2nd Tuesday of every month, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty, you can share the link to your post in the comment section).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this month’s Time Warp Tuesday is: Cancer

Most every year on Mother’s Day, since not long after I became a mother, I get up early and walk in our neighborhood breast cancer awareness walk in honor of members of our community who have survived breast cancer and those who have died from it. For that reason, I often associate cancer with the month of May. In this day and age it is hard to not have been touched somehow by cancer. Maybe you or someone you know personally has battled some type of cancer. Maybe a love one of yours has survived or sadly, maybe someone close to you has died because they had cancer. Choose a post from your archives in which you talk about cancer. It might be about your personal experience or a more general post about this disease. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

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Time Warp Tuesday: Cancer

As Mel, shared in her post Cancer x 3  last week, our ALI Community has been touched deeply by cancer, especially in recent days, including the death of one of our own, MLO. May she rest in peace.

As I began to work on this post, around the same time I read Mel’s, I was very aware of the irony of the theme I had selected last month to reflect on for Time Warp this month. When I chose this topic I had a specific post in mind that I intended to revisit and reflect on. It seemed obvious to me, as it is one of the only blog entries I recall ever writing about cancer. But I kept putting off finishing it, as I wasn’t feeling as inspired as I have many times in the past in preparation for Time Warp Tuesday.

On Saturday evening, Bob and I decided to watch a movie after the kids went to bed. We have accumulated a number that we have wanted to see for a while on our DVR and had a decent selection of genres and story lines to choose from. One of our options was a movie that I thought I remembered a friend/fellow blogger writing about soon after she saw it in the movie theater when it was released. I recall reading the beginning of her post and then stopping myself, realizing that I didn’t want to know anymore until after I had seen the movie myself. I figured after I watched it I would revisit her post. That was almost two years ago!

As Bob and I reviewed the movies in our queue, I recalled that the same one my friend posted about focuses on one man’s experience with having cancer and how that impacts his life and relationship with loved ones. I half-jokingly told Bob if we watched it, that it might help move me to finish my Time Warp blog entry about Cancer.

I had no idea how true that would turn out to be.

As we watched 50/50, I laughed (a lot) and cried (some) too. I was touched by the story and especially struck by the quality of the writing and character development. I kept asking Bob to pause so I could comment on a clever plot device (such as the main character, Adam, never having learned to drive) or discuss how certain characters (such as Adam’s father who had Alzheimer’s) added unique dynamics to relationships. One of my favorite moments in the movie is an interaction that Adam has with his father before going into the operating room for potential life saving or ending surgery. This was in part because I know first-hand what it feels like to deeply love family members who have Alzheimer’s and how bittersweet our relationship was as the disease progressed prior to their deaths.

At one point I asked Bob to pause the movie again so I could confirm that my friend had indeed written about 50/50. I searched her blog and found the post I had in mind. I read the beginning for the second time in two years and once again stopped myself before reading more, knowing that the next time I returned I would have finally seen the movie. Before Bob pressed play on our remote again, I told him I just had an “a-ha” moment related to my blog! As you can imagine, he was on the edge of his seat and couldn’t wait to hear what I had to say.

I told Bob that through revisiting my friend’s post that night, I realized I could bend my own Time Warp rules and choose to reflect on her post this month, instead of one of my own!

What I love about this is that I was considering taking a break from Time Warp as after 30+ rounds, I was starting to not enjoy the process as much, as I felt like I had exhausted a lot of topics and angles and was struggling to keep it fresh. But I feel like opening it up for everyone who participates to reflect on our own posts OR someone else’s is a game changer that can breathe some new life into this writing exercise/blog hop!

This also reminds me of  Jjraffe’s post awhile back about the blog entries that have stuck with her over time. This is sort of a spin-off of that, in that going forward Time Warpers can choose to revisit one post each month that have stuck with us from others’ blogs (or of course we can still use our own).

That being said, here is the post that Melissa Ford, from Stirrup Queens, wrote in October 2011:

50/50 and the Smother Mother

It was such a thrill for me to finally get to/allow myself to read past the introduction to this post, so many months after I fist became aware of it. I loved the movie and how it portrays the realities of and humor in living with cancer. I especially appreciated how writer Will Reiser (whom Mel gives fascinating background on and insights about) shows the impact a cancer diagnosis, with a 50/50 prognosis, can have on a person’s relationships with family, friends and even a therapist that Adam works with throughout his journey.

I really like the analogy Mel makes in her post between the experience of living with cancer to dealing with infertility:

Somehow the movie works, pointing out the absurd in the same way that… let’s say… A Little Pregnant points out the absurdity in infertility.  Infertility and cancer are not funny, but in the hands of a gifted writer, we can have the release that comes from laughing while you’re crying.

So true.

I often thought about the uncomfortable questions and interactions infertile people and those who have experienced the death of a child, among other circumstances, are faced with. When life doesn’t go how we hope, dream or plan it will, we learn so much about ourselves and our loved ones. We find out how our family, friends, coworkers and others are able to deal with (or not) our diagnosis and prognosis and often true colors shine through (which can be a blessing or a curse).

I was in high school the first time I remember meeting someone who had cancer. Mrs. F was one of my friend’s mothers and she had breast cancer. If I recall correctly, she had been in remission for a few years when it returned. It broke my heart to watch Mrs. F, my friend and their family suffer as her condition got progressively worse. I recall one of the last times I saw Mrs. F, she was in a hospital bed in their home, receiving hospice care. It was so bittersweet to say goodbye to the woman who made sure she always had Nilla Wafers in her pantry when I came over to visit, because she knew how much I liked them, and who created beautiful and personalized gingerbread cookies for her loved ones every year during the holiday season.

Though I tried to be supportive of my friend, after her mom died things changed, our relationship changed, and we grew a part. But I have never forgotten my friend or her mom. I think about Mrs. F from time to time, especially when I find out someone I know has cancer or one of their loved ones does. I think about Mrs. F and wonder how my friend/her daughter is doing over 20 years later. I also think of Mrs. F and my friend every year on Mother’s Day, when I participate in our neighborhood’s annual Breast Cancer Walk, often with my own mother, who celebrated her 70th birthday last year and I feel very lucky to still have in my life.

Another thing that struck me about Mel’s post, were some sort of unintended, but welcome, insights indirectly related to cancer and the movie 50/50. Mel talks about how the relationship Adam has with his “smother mother” in the movie resonated with her, because she is one (or at least saw herself that way when she wrote the blog entry in October 2011). I remembered as I read her post that at the time she wrote it there had been a slew of posts in the blogosphere that I was aware of discussing/debating the merits of various parenting styles (including “helicopter parenting” and “free-range parenting”). Many bloggers I follow weighed in about their parenting styles and/or opinions about others’ approaches. So Mel seemed to be using her blog entry to comment in her own way on that hot topic back then.

The parenting styles discussion that Mel broaches in her blog entry, which continues in the comment sections, resonates with me at this time in my life and stage of parenting our nine-year old son and three-year old daughter. I try to be the best mother I can to my living children, but realize that I am not perfect and no one approach to or method of parenting is going to work for us all of the time. Mel’s thoughts on parenting, which can also be applied to living with cancer (or adoption/infertility/loss for that matter) or supporting a loved one who is in that situation, really spoke to me, especially this:

The thing is, I live my life without regrets.  That is, I try to live my life without regrets because it is the only way I feel comfortable.  We have run up against a lot of other people’s desires for our children, and my life is a series of weighing them against my what ifs and making informed decisions…. It’s about living with myself, about respecting my own intuition.  And yes, my intuition is sometimes wrong.  But it’s also sometimes right.  And the only way I can live without regrets is to follow that intuition.  Accept the consequences of following that intuition, knowing full well that it pisses off people along the way, but also knowing that anyone who really has my back also accepts my irrational what ifs; my strongly honed intuition….

At the end of the day, I don’t think there is a right way to parent.  I think there is only a right way to parent your particular children.  I am wary of parenting experts who tell you what you should or shouldn’t do because they are making those statements in a bubble, without knowing your circumstances or how your children react to your parenting techniques.

Trying to live without regrets and not be so hard on ourselves or our loved ones isn’t easy, but I do believe it is a worthwhile goal for anyone, especially those battling cancer, struggling with infertility, grieving the loss of a child, trying to adopt, parenting adopted children and/or doing our best to raise healthy, confident and well-adjusted children.

Finally, something that stood out to me while reading the comments on Mel’s blog entry about 50/50 and the Smother Mother, is how many of those who chose to comment I know better now than I did back then. That knowledge allowed me to see their words from a different perspective, especially knowing how far they have come on their own journeys since commenting on Mel’s post.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this month! I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours.

Please feel free to comment even if you didn’t write your own Time Warp Tuesday post. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

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The topic for the next Time Warp Tuesday (on June 11th) is: Decisions

We have to make them every day, for ourselves and often for loved ones, such as our children, elderly parents, employees, students, etc. Some decisions come more easily than others. Choose a post from your archives OR another blogger’s in which you or they wrote about a time when a decision needed to be made. Maybe it was a difficult decision that you or the other blogger really struggled to come to terms with. Or maybe the choice that was made was an easy decision based on your or the other blogger’s self-knowledge and approach to living.  Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since it was written.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post or read the other blogger’s? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing or reading the post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote or read the original post?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries or another blogger’s to find one that fits the topic for the given month. The topic is shared at the end of the previous month’s “Time Warp Tuesday” post here on my blog (see above for next week’s topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote or read the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://bereavedandblessed.com/projects-regular-series/time-warp-tuesdays/ in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer’s clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser’s Edit menu.

5) Check back here on the 2nd Tuesday of the month to find out the new topic, theme or question for the next Time Warp Tuesday (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate. Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here next month: Tuesday, June 11th (the 2nd Tuesday of the month), when we’ll “do the time warp again!”

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section. Also, please don’t forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

In recent days a lot of my friends and family members on Facebook have been changing their profile pictures to a favorite photo of their mothers. So tonight I decided to jump on the bandwagon and share an old favorite photo of my sister and me with our mom, when I was around the age my daughter Abby is now.

I feel very grateful to be a mother and to celebrate my mother this Mother’s Day, along with other special women that have been mother and grandmother figures to me over the years. I am also remembering my dear grandmothers who both died 13 years ago.

Sending love to all those who are celebrating too, as well those who are remembering your mothers, grandmothers and/or children who left this world too soon. xoxo

Happy Mother’s Day! 

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Celebrating and Remembering around Mother’s Day in Years Past:

Happy Day (2012)

Time Warp Tuesday: Mothering (2012)

Perfect Moment Monday: Weekend of Firsts (2011)

Hope, Fight, Walk (2011)

A Beautiful Day to Remember (2011)

Grace and Loss (2010)

Interestingly it seems I did not mention Mother’s Day in my posts in 2008 and 2009, after skimming my May blog entries from those years. If I look again and find any I will add them here later.

Let the Double Suppression Begin (2007)

Sean’s Special Prayer Tonight (2007)

Welcome to the eighth check-in for the Spring Shed!

Here is the back story about this support group/blog hop for those trying to be accountable for the positive changes we are making in our lives in 2013. After ten weeks of doing the Winter Shed, we moved on to this Spring Shed. Whether you are trying to shed weight, find more balance or let go of something else that is dragging you down in this second season of the New Year… We can do this — together!

Now to report on how I did during week eight of the Spring Shed and week eighteen in 2013:

1) Healthy Eating
A. Try to follow the U.S. government’s “Eat My Plate” recommendations (with emphasis on 3 servings of veggies & 2 fruit)

I did well with this, but have slacked off a bit in the veggie dept. I still get two servings most days, but lately have found myself allocating more calories to “special treats” (desserts and snack foods), as opposed to a third serving of veggies.

B. Continue to practice portion control and count calories.

I did well with this, but did notice that most days this week I used up every last calorie I was allotted each day and am not sure that helped me to shed as much weight as I would have liked, in fact I actually gained this week, which I am not pleased about.

C. Limit my intake of sweets, soda, alcohol and other pelvic floor flare up triggers.

Again, I did well with this and experienced very few food related flare ups.

2) Keeping Fit (Physically/Emotionally/Spiritually) & Shedding Weight

A. Get 7 – 8 hours of sleep every night

I am pretty sure I did this all but one night this past week and that night I still got about 6 hours of sleep, which isn’t too bad.

B. Drink enough water

I did well with this.

C. Exercise 5 – 7 days each week

I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week. I didn’t exercise last Friday, for no good reason other than I wasn’t feeling it and thus took a day off. On Saturday I rode my bike to/from the Live, Love Learn – Chicago alternative healing expo, where I was representing Beverly Bodyworks Inc. where I teach group fitness classes in our neighborhood. On Sunday I ran 5K in our neighborhood with Sean, walked a bit and tone/stretched. On Monday I walked with my mom, not as long we usually do, but some is better than none. On Tuesday and Thursday, I ran 5K in our neighborhood, walked and toned/stretched. On Wednesday I taught Dance `n Sculpt at Beverly Bodyworks.

As I shared last week, a breakthrough for me has been coming home from running and adding about 15 mins. of toning (strength training/core work), before stretching and wrapping up my workout. I felt like I hadn’t been doing enough of that and am pleased to have extended my workouts on running days that way, as well as exercising consistently again this week!

D. Train for a few Spring 5K races

I ran 5K/3.1 miles three times this week, including one run with Sean! I wish Sean and I could fit in more runs together during the week, but with school and his extra curricular activities we are settling for once a week (usually on the weekend) for now.

E. Shed 1 – 2 lbs. per week

I gained 1 lb. this week, for a total loss 8.5 lbs. in 18 weeks (since Friday, December 28, 2012).

I was disappointed to be up this week, but felt I was “good” this week and know I can and will bounce back. With the increased strength training/toning I have been doing maybe the increase is due to muscle?!

F. Meditate & pray daily

Again I did not formally meditate much, but I did focus on my breathing some when I was stressed and I did pray a lot.

3) Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy

A.  Go to my physical therapy sessions as scheduled

I had a good PT session this week.

B. Watch my dietary triggers

I did well with this.

C. Do my “homework” (i.e. PT exercises, stretches and such)

I did okay with this, but not great.

4) Housekeeping

A. Basics Daily (dishes, laundry & straightening)

I did well with this.

B. Weekly Cleaning (dusting, sweeping, scrubbing & mopping)

Bob did great with this and I helped a bit.

C. Organizing & Purging (sorting, filing, selling &/or donating)

I did well with this.

5) Family & Faith Focus

A. Bob: Hanging out together with my husband at home, on date nights and spending quality time and have fun together with our family (including family meals, game nights, movie nights, day trips and vacations).

This week was the opposite of last in that I had little to no volunteer commitments on the weeknights, but was very busy over the weekend. So Bob and I got to spend quality time together and with the kids every night when he got home from work, including four nights of family dinners in a row (Monday – Thursday)! We also enjoyed a family outing on Saturday night to our good friend’s home to celebrate their son’s birthday.

B. Sean: Spending quality time and have fun together when he not in school, activities or doing homework. Helping him to learn to manage his time well, take care of his belongings and keep his room and the basement play area clean and organized.

On Friday night Sean tested for the next belt level at his Tae Kwon Do school and became a red belt! We are proud of him and it was fun to see him achieve this milestone on his journey to be a black belt. I really enjoyed our weekly 5K training runs and this week was no different. Finally, we have been working a lot with Sean on his work ethic (or lack there of) and be more responsible with his belongings and daily chores. It is not always easy but he is determined to do better and we are committed to helping him.

C. Abby: Spending quality time and have fun together when she is not at preschool, playdates or other activities.

Abby was back to her old self this week, after having been sick last week, which was nice. She is really into pretend play lately, especially pretending to be a queen and wanting to be called queen when she is in her royal world. I don’t mind pretending with her and am enjoying this imaginative stage of her life. She continues to enjoy preschool, as well as her weekly sports and dance classes.

D. Molly & Babies Benson: Honoring their lives and memories, as well as trying to minister to other bereaved families and friends who have lost loved ones.

I continue to work on my project in honor and memory of Molly’s 5th Heavenly Birthday this year. If you haven’t already read my Team Caring Connection post, click here to check it out and maybe even make a donation. I am pleased to share that Team Caring Connection has raised almost $1,800 for Advocate Children’s Hospital and our local Ronald McDonald House and hope to raise more between now and the Running for Hope 5K Run/Walk that we are participating in on Sunday, June 2nd.

D. Extended Family: Appreciate the roles they play in my family and my life, be patient with the areas in which we don’t always see eye to eye and prioritize spending quality time and having fun together when possible.

It was great that my mom was feeling better, after being sick last week, so she and my dad got to come and visit. The kids and I always enjoyed spending time with them.

E. Friends: Keep in touch, check in and show them I care. Get together when possible to spend quality time and have fun together.

Over the weekend I enjoyed getting to see some good friends at a birthday party on Saturday night and on Sunday I went with friends to see Listen to Your Mother – Chicago, which was fun and moving to experience, after having heard so much about last year’s show. It was bittersweet to attend, having auditioned and not been chosen for this year’s cast, but I am still glad that I got to go. Afterwards I enjoyed a leisurely dinner with friends (in part because the restaurant hosting the official after party was overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up and ordered dinner simultaneously).

F. Faith Community (Parish, RE, MOPS & CRHP): Stay actively involved in our parish church community. Fulfill my responsibilities and enjoy the last two months of my involvement with the second grade religious education program, as a catechist, and the MOPS group I am a part of, before I transition out of both to focus more of my time and energy as Co-Spiritual Director for the Women’s CRHP retreat program at our parish.

On Saturday I was honored to assist with the First Communion Mass at our parish and was moved, as always to witness the second graders make their First Communions, especially the students from the religious education class that I taught this year. It was also bittersweet, as after three years as a catechist, I will not be continuing in the Fall. This is because of my new role as Spiritual Director for the women’s CRHP retreat program at our church. Also, the Director of the Religious Education Program is leaving, after 11 years. So it was also bittersweet to see her coordinate her last First Communion Mass at our parish. I was pleased when the entire church gave her a standing ovation at the end of mass when our pastor thanked her for her many years of faith-filled service.

6) Writing & Reading

A. My Blog: Aim to write at least two – three posts each week.

I shared two blog entries this week.

Last Friday evening, we did some Gatekeeping (10th Edition) here for the first time in seven months. It was long overdue and I was reminded how much I appreciate this exercise, as do many of my readers. I promise not to wait so long before we do it again.

On Thursday I posted my review and book tour discussion for Lori’s The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption. I LOVED this book and highly recommend you check it out if you have a connection to adoption or even if you don’t, it is that good.

B. The Today Voice: Fulfill my weekly writing responsibilities through the end of June, which I have committed to and enjoy the process of writing about the weekly prompts.

This week, week 45, I revisited a post I originally shared in November 2011, On Having Enemies.

C. Exhale: Continue to serve as a Contributing Editor helping when I can with the publishing our website, as well as also writing reviews and/or essays each season.

I did not do anything with Exhale this week. But our Editor did announce the theme of our next issue and call for submissions:

Physical. Emotional. Mental. What Scars and Marks have you been left with during your journey through loss and infertility? Exhale is accepting submissions of short fiction, essay, poetry, art & photography for our new issue, “Scars and Marks,” which will begin posting at the end of this month. As always, we are also accepting poetry submissions for Still Standing’s Poetry Sundays, and book/movie/play etc. reviews. Email submissions to exhalesubmissions(at)gmail(dot)com

If this topic resonates with you, I encourage you to consider writing and submitting something for our Spring Issue.

D. Special Projects (First draft of my book & other freelance writing): Aim for 15 minutes a day, as when I have done that in the past I have been amazed at the incremental progress I am able to make.

On Monday I found out that I was not offered the job I interviewed for two weeks ago. They chose to hire someone else. The hiring manager did tell me she intends to keep my résumé on file in case a related position or project work opens up in the future, which I appreciate knowing.

Hearing this news was both a relief and disappointing for me. I had such mixed feelings about taking on a job at this time in my life, when I think my family needs me more as a SAHM. But it was also something I felt was a really great fit for the organization and for me and that hurts. My ego is bruised, but I am trying to focus on the positives, which includes more time with my children at such an important time in their lives.

I did not prioritize doing much else in this category, but not getting the job will allow me to focus on it more going forward, which is another silver lining.

E. Read (books, blogs, magazines & other online news/articles of interest): This always seems to be at the bottom of my list of priorities, but is something I get so much out of when I find/make time to do.

I finished Lori Lavender Luz’s new book The Open Hearted Way to Open Adoption which as I have shared I thought was awesome! CHECK IT OUT! Next up is Melissa Ford’s new novel Measure of Love (the sequel to Life from Scratch)!  I look forward to discussing it with Mel’s new GRAB(ook) Club which is reading her book, followed by some other intriguing titles in the months to come.

F. Comment on others’ blogs: Prioritize this, with emphasis on return comments and then trying to check in and keep up with other blogs that I follow.

I did pretty well with this, at least as far as return commenting.

As I shared in the intro to my Winter Shed Series…

When I reflect on what has helped me to shed weight, get/stay in shape in the past, prioritize housekeeping tasks and find more balance in my life, accountability is huge! I have kept myself accountable various ways in the past, but this time I am finding doing so publicly here on my blog have been effective.

Once a week, on Fridays, from now until at least mid-June/Summer, I will continue to check in and share how my week has gone in the key areas I am working on. My hope and intention is that knowing I have this self-imposed report card to file will continue to motivate me to stay focused on my goals.

For those who want to join me in this “Spring Shed,” I will add a Linky Tool to my weekly Friday posts and you are welcome to link up to your Spring Shed blog entries, and/or you can comment here on how you are doing from week to week, so we can support and encourage each other, as well as share what works and what doesn’t for each of us when it comes to striving towards our goals.

Please join me and we can cheer each other on as we kick off the second season of 2013 strong (and stay the course long past February 16th)!

We can do this — TOGETHER!

You are welcome to grab the code for the Spring Shed button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer’s clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser’s Edit menu.

Greetings and welcome to this stop on the The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption Book Tour!

This is my fifth time participating in a book tour. My previous experiences were with Eat, Pray, Love, Life from Scratch, A Gift of Time and The Sound of Hope.

For those of you not familiar with book tours, they are essentially online book clubs. On a given date the tour leader, in this case Mel from Stirrup Queens, who is a published author herself, collects one or more questions from each reader. Soon after that we all receive a list of questions (that were posed by our fellow book club members, each participant submits at least one question) from which we are to choose between one and three to answer on our blog in a post, such as this.

I have been looking forward to participating in this book tour since I first learned that my friend Lori, from LavenderLuz.com, was writing a book about open adoption. From that moment I knew what a gift it would be to everyone in the adoption community, from adoptive parents to birth parents to those who work at adoption agencies and anyone else that is related to or who cares about someone in the “adoption constellation,” as Lori refers to often in her newly published book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole, which she wrote with Crystal Hass, her daughter Tessa’s first mother.

Lori and I have both been blogging since the spring of 2007 and though our paths crossed a few times over the years, including during a book tour in 2008, we didn’t really connect and get to know each other well until a few years ago. I am grateful to have Lori in my life for so many reasons, including all that I have learned from her about open adoption. Being a proud aunt to my sister and brother-in-law’s daughter and son, who are both adopted, are the two of the biggest reasons I appreciate having Lori’s wisdom and experience to draw on regularly through her blog posts and now this wonderful guide-book for those helping adopted children to grow up whole.

One of the first things I recall learning from Lori on her blog was advice she got from her dad about “drawing a wider circle,” to be more inclusive, in our lives and I still think about that often. It also speaks to the philosophy of open adoption that Lori outlines in this book. I was drawn into The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption right away with the Foreword written by Carolyn Savage. I know Carolyn personally, we met years ago when we were both trying to expand our families, and I have so much respect for her. She was the perfect person to write the Foreword, having stood in the shoes of both birth mother and expectant mother.

Lori had me from her Introduction in this book, as the aunt of two children in open adoptions I don’t fully understand what it is to be a first parent or adoptive parents, but Lori quickly allowed me to think and feel as if I am. I also learned a lot about being a better parent to my children, even though they are not adopted.

I recall having mixed feelings when I first learned about the concept of open adoption, when my husband Bob and I attended an information session at our fertility clinic early in 2007, while we were trying to decide whether to do In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), as our Reproductive Endocrinologist had recommended or to pursue adoption. We ultimately chose IVF in part because we had great insurance and it was more economical for us at the time, but we didn’t rule out adoption and might have considered it more seriously down the road if our third child, our daughter Abby, had not come along when she did.

Lori, more than anyone or anything, has helped me to understand and appreciate why open adoption is such a kind and compassionate way of raising an adopted child. This book only further helped to develop my knowledge and appreciation for this approach to raising adopted children whole. I really like the structure of the book; it makes sense and is user-friendly. I also love that Crystal chimes in throughout the book with her perspective as a birth mother/first mother. I got tears when she described the days after Tessa was born and how Lori, Lori’s husband Roger and Crystal built trust in each other.

I really liked the sections about understanding terminology related to open adoption. Lori makes a convincing case as to why words matter and guides the reader through the logic and reasoning behind the words she uses in this book, on her blog and in conversation.

I wish this book existed when my sister and brother-in-law began their adoption journey. But by the time they were trying to adopt their second child, we were lucky to know Lori and at times even get first-hand advice from her about how to approach and handle various situations and communication with birth parents. It also led to my sister Meg becoming a contributor to The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption (pages 79 – 80 and 135 – 136), which was exciting to see and read how Meg was able to share her experience with a failed adoption in effort to help others who will follow in her footsteps.

One of my favorite quotes in this book is on page 16, when Lori talks about how “open adoption is a process, not a point in time.” I also appreciate how she explains that open adoption is not about co-parenting and like the analogy she makes to the relationship first parents and adoptive parents have to being like that of in-laws who become extended family through marriage.

Lori gives honest pros and cons to the experience of open adoption and explains the importance of trying to move from “either/or” to “and/both” thinking when considering how to approach everyone in the adoption constellation. She also highlights the various types of adoption professionals and agencies, as well as what to look for when choosing whom to work with. There is so much to chew on in this book, from the process of trying to adopt or place a child to navigating raising children in an open adoption relationship involving first and adoptive parents.

I think The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption should be required reading for everyone in the adoption constellation, including extended family members (like me) and friends who want to be able to understand and support their loved ones. 

I also think it is a book that any parent can benefit from reading, as Lori shares great advice about parenting and relationships in general, within the context of demystifying open adoption. The suggestions she gives for helping everyone involved in the adoption constellation to get along can be applied to in-law relations and other relationships that are sometimes difficult to navigate. She talks about how most relationship problems stem “from not knowing the other person’s motives and filling that void with (our) own assumptions.”

So true and one of so many take-a-ways that I am left pondering after reading The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption. I had high expectations for this book and Lori exceeded them with her writing style and invaluable insights! If you haven’t read this yet, get your hands on a copy as soon as you can, it is available in hardcover and Kindle e-book versions. I promise you and the loved ones in your life connected to adoption will be so glad you did.

Now let’s get to the two questions I chose to consider and my answers to them (please feel free to comment and share your thoughts about the questions and/or my answers):

Question 1: Lori refers to the relationship between adoptive parents and birth parents as similar to an in-law relationship. Does thinking about the relationship influence how you approach open adoption?

Yes! As I mentioned earlier in this post, I really like this analogy. I think it is a very helpful way to think about the relationship between first families and adoptive families. Just as we may not always see eye-to-eye with our extended families that we are joined to through marriage, I can see how first parents/birth parents and adoptive parents might have similar personality clashes and struggles over the years. But in the same way that in-law relationships are often child-centered, in effort to allow our children to get to know and have a positive connection with their grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins, Lori makes the case in The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption for why and how all those involved in the adoption constellation should also strive to make open-minded/open-hearted decisions based in the best interest of the child and not their own personal egos and agendas.

That said, in many instances in-law relationships can be and are so much more than just being able to get along well for the sake of the children involved. I find it encouraging and inspiring to read about the relationships Lori shares about in her book where first parents and adoptive parents, including Lori, Roger and Crystal, seem to genuinely care about and love each other, beyond just being respectful of each other’s roles in their children’s lives.

I know going forward when I discuss my sister and brother-in-law’s relationships with their children’s first parents, I will keep this in-law analogy in mind. I have had the opportunity to meet my niece’s first mother and did my best to treat her with kindness and respect. Likewise, if I ever get to meet my niece’s first father or my nephew’s first parents or any of their extended first families, I will remember to try to think of them as our extended family, which they are, and treat them accordingly.

Question 2: Lori often stresses the importance of exploring difficult emotions. Describe a time when you have been forced to explore difficult emotions related to adoption and the outcome of this exploration.

As my sister Meg shared in her contribution to The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption (pages 79-80 and pages 135 – 136), the hardest experience for Meg, her husband, and our family during their journey to adopt their two children was in November – December 2011, when we found out that the  birth parents they had been matched with to adopt their baby had decided to parent their daughter. Meg and the birth mother had formed a strong bond and it was very hard for everyone involved to understand and try to make peace with what happened.

Meg and her husband had been in the delivery room and got to spend time with the baby soon after she was born. I don’t think any of us understood how common it is for birth parents to decide not to place after their baby is born. We didn’t realize, as we do now, that birth parents choose to allow their child to be adopted (or not) many times throughout the process. Though they seemed confident in their choice to ask my sister and brother-in-law to adopt their daughter, in the end no one knows how they will think and really feel until after the baby is born.

Through reading Lori’s book I can appreciate rationally that these birth parents didn’t “owe” my sister and brother-in-law anything, even after all they had been through together and done for them, in the weeks leading up to this baby girl’s birth. But it was still hard for me to accept at first and make peace with their change of heart/mind.

I wrote in detail about my thoughts and difficult emotions at the time in this blog entry: Feeling Helpless, But Not Hopeless (December 2011). As I shared towards the end of that post:

I am so proud of my sister and brother-in-law. I know this experience has been very hard for them both and they have handled every up, down, twist and turn with strength, mindfulness and grace.

My sister has talked about finding relief in finally knowing the birth parents’ decision. I too find some relief in this situation being resolved, even though things didn’t turn out the way many of us hoped/wanted them to. I also feel disappointment and sadness that this child will not be a part of our family. As my sister has said and I agree, this precious baby girl is so very loved and will be raised by parents who do really care about her. All three of them are blessed to have had my sister and brother-in-law in their lives.

I hope and pray that the birth parents will pay forward the kindness my sister and brother-in-law have shown them someday, if nothing else by being the best parents to their daughter they can be. My sister and brother-in-law did everything they could have to assure she entered this world knowing only how much she was wanted and loved.

I also am able to reflect on this experience now and know that if things had played out differently my sister and brother-in-law might be parenting that baby girl, but then they likely would not be parenting their son, whom they were matched with eight months later, in July 2012. Our family adores their baby boy and feel blessed and lucky that his first mother chose my sister and brother-in-law to adopt him.

Thank you for reading my thoughts on The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption and my answers to the questions I chose to answer for the book tour. I look forward to your comments.

Please return to the main post to read more opinions on Lori Holden’s The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption.

How are you feeling?

Sometimes it’s the little things than can help keep us a float when we feel like we are drowning. Just knowing that others care and want to know how we are feeling, as well as being able to think about what we might do tomorrow has the power to help us get through tough times.

Thank you for reading. I hope that however you are doing today that you know there are people in your life (I am one of them) who care about how you are feeling and want to know what your plans, hopes and dreams are for tomorrow and the days to come.

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I will start us off by answering the questions myself:

I am feeling… 

Encouraged – I broke through another plateau this week in my quest to shed weight and get back into the shape that I was in before we began IVF in early 2007. I am now only 1 lb. from what I weighed then, but after carrying and giving birth to two babies since, I know my body is not the same, even with the weight loss.

Busy – I am in the processing of transitioning out of some of my volunteer commitments in order to be able to focus more on some new ones, but in the mean time and I am doing all of them!  This week was especially crazy busy as three of my commitments converged, including leading a formation meeting with the CRHP Women’s Retreat Team that I am Co-Spiritual Director for on Monday, helping with First Communion Practice for the 2nd graders at our parish as one of the 2nd grade Religious Education teachers on Tuesday, participating in a MOPS meeting on Thursday at which I am a small group/table leader and speaker coordinator and First Communion coming up at church tomorrow (Saturday)! I have also been doing a lot of work with Team Caring Connection, including fundraising and getting our shirts ordered in time to wear for race day.

Refreshed – I loved the beautiful spring/taste of summer weather we had earlier this week in Chicago! It was so nice to get the windows open and let the fresh air into our home, as well as to spend time outside playing and hanging out with family and neighborhood friends.

Hopeful – My three-year old daughter Abby and my mom both were sick this week, along with other extended family members and friends. They both are now on the mend and I hope and pray they continue to feel better in the days to come.

Prayerful – A number of people I love and care about are going through difficult and uncertain times right now. Some are struggling with their own physical and/or mental health issues and others are dealing with such challenges with their children. I know how hard it can be as a parent when either you and/or your child is not having an easy go of it. I am holding these loved ones close in my thoughts and prayers as they navigate this time in their lives.

Challenged – I absolutely adore my nine year old son and three year old daughter and love being their mom. That said, they are both challenging me a lot lately with various behaviors that I do not always feel confident about how to handle. I am trying and believe that I am raising them well, but it is still hard at times when I feel as if I am failing them when they don’t act as I teach them to. I am reading a lot of parenting books lately, which I am finding helpful and validating. I also realize that just because they do not always behave the ways I wish they would or could, it does not mean that I am not a good mom.

Grateful – As busy and stressed as I have been lately with being over-programmed and dealing with my own personal chronic health issues, I am able to see in the midst of all of this, how blessed and lucky I am to have my overall good health, a husband and children whom I love and adore that feel the same way about me. I continue to love our new home, though after living here almost two years now, it isn’t really that new anymore, and the neighborhood we live in.

Inspired – As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I had intended to share this 2 1/2 weeks ago and then the Bombing at the Boston Marathon occurred and all bets were off. Since then I have been moved and inspired by all the ways people in our nation and around the world have come together, as we always seem to in times of tragedy, to support those touched by the terror and loss that day. I also realize that what happened in Boston is not the only tragedy that took place recently in the U.S. and beyond. As I follow the local and national news, I think about and find comfort in that famous quote from Mr. Rogers which was circulating again in my Social Media channels over the past few weeks about helpers:

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.

My plans for tomorrow/the days to come… 

Tomorrow morning I will be helping out at the First Holy Communion mass at our parish church for my second grade religious education (RE) class, as well as the other second grade RE classes and the second graders from St. Barnabas Catholic School. This will be my third year being a part of this mass and it is always an honor and very moving for me to assist with.

In the afternoon I will be volunteering for an hour at Live, Love Learn – Chicago, an alternative healing expo, representing Beverly Bodyworks Inc. where I teach group fitness classes in our neighborhood.

Then in the evening, my family and I will be going to a good family friend’s birthday party. We always enjoy spending time with this family and their friends, who we usually don’t see often (except for at our friends’ home), but really like hanging out with too! I am looking forward to relaxing and catching up with a well deserved glass of wine and great company!

On Sunday I am going to see Listen to Your Mother – Chicago with some friends. Though it is bittersweet for me, not having been chosen to be part of this year’s cast, I am still really looking forward to seeing the show and supporting my neighborhood friend and fellow blogger Marianne (from We Band of Mothers) who is in the cast, as well as my friends/Chicago area bloggers/LTYM – Chicago producers/cast members Melisa (from Suburban Scrawl) and Tracy (from Just Another Mommy Blog).

Welcome to the seventh check-in for the Spring Shed!

Here is the back story about this support group/blog hop for those trying to be accountable for the positive changes we are making in our lives in 2013. After ten weeks of doing the Winter Shed, we moved on to this Spring Shed. Whether you are trying to shed weight, find more balance or let go of something else that is dragging you down in this second season of the New Year… We can do this — together!

Now to report on how I did during week seven of the Spring Shed and week seventeen in 2013:

1) Healthy Eating
A. Try to follow the U.S. government’s “Eat My Plate” recommendations (with emphasis on 3 servings of veggies & 2 fruit)

I did great with this.

B. Continue to practice portion control and count calories.

I also did very well with this.

C. Limit my intake of sweets, soda, alcohol and other pelvic floor flare up triggers.

Again, I did well with this and experienced very few food related flare ups.

2) Keeping Fit (Physically/Emotionally/Spiritually) & Shedding Weight

A. Get 7 – 8 hours of sleep every night

I think I might have actually done this every night this week!

B. Drink enough water

I did well with this.

C. Exercise 5 – 7 days each week

I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week. The only day I did not to any formal exercise was last Friday, but it was an active day during which I did a lot of projects around the house, including transitioning my children’s clothing (packing away stuff they have grown out of and getting their next sizes up organized in their rooms). On Saturday we went for a long neighborhood family bike ride and on Sunday we went for a family 5K run, after which Sean and I did some toning and stretching. On Monday I rode my bike (while pulling Abby in the trailer behind me) to/from her park district sports class, which was a great workout. On Tuesday and Thursday I ran 5K in our neighborhood, walked a bit before and after and then did toning and stretching.

I was not able to teach my Step `n Sculpt class on Wednesday, as Abby was sick and we had to stay home. That night she was feeling better and we played some basketball outside as a family, which was a lot of fun. I was never very good at basketball growing up and learned a lot from Bob that night, that I look forward to using in the future. Santa brought our basketball hoop for Christmas last year and we are excited the weather is getting nicer now, so we can use it more. A big breakthrough for me this week was coming home from running and adding about 15 mins. of toning (strength training/core work), before stretching and wrapping up my workout. I felt like I hadn’t been doing enough of that and am pleased to have extended my workouts on running days that way, as well as exercising consistently again this week!

D. Train for a few Spring 5K races

I ran 5K/3.1 miles three times this week, including one family run in which Sean broke his own personal record by 3 minutes and lowered his average pace by over a minute!

E. Shed 1 – 2 lbs. per week

I lost 1 lb. this week, for a total loss 9.5 lbs. in 17 weeks (since Friday, December 28, 2012)!

This is another big weight shedding milestone for me, as I haven’t weighed this amount since early 2007, before our first IVF cycle and I am not only one pound higher than I was at my lowest back then!

F. Meditate & pray daily

Again I did not formally meditate much, but I did focus on my breathing some when I was stressed and I did pray a lot.

3) Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy

A.  Go to my physical therapy sessions as scheduled

I had a good PT session this week.

B. Watch my dietary triggers

I did well with this.

C. Do my “homework” (i.e. PT exercises, stretches and such)

I did okay with this, but not great.

4) Housekeeping

A. Basics Daily (dishes, laundry & straightening)

I did okay with this.

B. Weekly Cleaning (dusting, sweeping, scrubbing & mopping)

Again I didn’t do much in this category this week. Clearly this needs to change.

C. Organizing & Purging (sorting, filing, selling &/or donating)

I rocked this again, spending more time transitioning my children’s clothing, as they are both moving up a size and so I am working packing away their clothes that are too small to lend to their younger/smaller cousins and unpacking some of the hand me downs and/or things I bought ahead on sale that I have for them in their new sizes.

5) Family & Faith Focus

A. Bob: Hanging out together with my husband at home, on date nights and spending quality time and have fun together with our family (including family meals, game nights, movie nights, day trips and vacations).

For the first time in as long as I can remember our family had no formal plans this weekend! We resisted the urge to make some and it was wonderful! Outside of Bob and Sean’s commitments with Cub Scouts on Friday evening and Saturday morning and Sean and my commitments with religious education and church on Sunday morning were able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted to! We got a lot done outside and around the house as a family. We also exercised together on Saturday and Sunday with a family bike ride and a family run in our neighborhood.

Bob and I also enjoyed renting the movie Zero Dark Thirty, which we had been wanting to see for a while, on Saturday night and found it fascinating. On Sunday night we rented Argo, which we also really wanted to see. Bob loved it and I somehow managed to fall asleep, even though it was very interesting. So we plan to rent it and watch it again soon, this time I make sure I stay awake.

Sunday night we capped off our weekend with a family dinner at one of the newer restaurants in our neighborhood, called Horse Thief Hollow. It was the perfect way to wrap up our wonderfully under-programmed weekend together. I enjoyed my favorite meal there, known as “The Shoe,” and one of their house beers, called “Kitchen Sink.” I think drinking the Kitchen Sink may have contributed to my not being able to keep my eyes open during Argo later that night.

B. Sean: Spending quality time and have fun together when he not in school, activities or doing homework. Helping him to learn to manage his time well, take care of his belongings and keep his room and the basement play area clean and organized.

A highlight for me with Sean this week was our family run on Sunday during which, as I shared earlier, he broke his own personal record by 3 minutes and lowered his average pace by over a minute! We had so much fun that day knowing how fast and well he was running, as I have an app on my phone that we use to track our progress. He was so motivated to break another PR, but we never dreamed he would do so by that much!

C. Abby: Spending quality time and have fun together when she is not at preschool, playdates or other activities.

This week Abby got sick with a fever, which lasted for a few days. She missed school and her dance class on Tuesday, which she was disappointed about. But it was good for her to rest and take it easy. She got to relax at home and watch a lot of her favorite shows, as well as to snuggle up with me and read some of her favorite stories. She got a new Dora book recently, which has seven stories in it, and one afternoon we sat together on the couch and enjoyed reading every single one in a row.

D. Molly & Babies Benson: Honoring their lives and memories, as well as trying to minister to other bereaved families and friends who have lost loved ones.

I continue to work on my project in honor and memory of Molly’s 5th Heavenly Birthday this month. If you haven’t already read my Team Caring Connection post, click here to check it out.

D. Extended Family: Appreciate the roles they play in my family and my life, be patient with the areas in which we don’t always see eye to eye and prioritize spending quality time and having fun together when possible.

My mom was also sick this week unfortunately, so she and my dad were unable to come visit. We missed getting to see and spend time with them, but are glad she took good care of herself.

E. Friends: Keep in touch, check in and show them I care. Get together when possible to spend quality time and have fun together.

This was a crazy busy week with my faith-based volunteer commitments. So I did get to see a lot of friends that I care about, but it was mostly in that context, at meetings and such.

F. Faith Community (Parish, RE, MOPS & CRHP): Stay actively involved in our parish church community. Fulfill my responsibilities and enjoy the last two months of my involvement with the second grade religious education program, as a catechist, and the MOPS group I am a part of, before I transition out of both to focus more of my time and energy as Co-Spiritual Director for the Women’s CRHP retreat program at our parish.

I am in the processing of transitioning out of some of my volunteer commitments in order to be able to focus more on some new ones, but in the mean time and I am doing all of them!  This week is especially crazy busy as three of my commitments have all converged, including leading a formation meeting with the CRHP Women’s Retreat Team that I am Co-Spiritual Director for on Monday, helping with First Communion Practice for the 2nd graders at our parish as one of the 2nd grade Religious Education teachers on Tuesday, MOPS meeting on Thursday at which I am a small group/table leader and speaker coordinator and First Communion coming up at church tomorrow (Saturday)!

6) Writing & Reading

A. My Blog: Aim to write at least two – three posts each week.

I shared only one blog post here this week. It was for Lori Lavender Luz’s Perfect Moment Mondays, called 38.

B. The Today Voice: Fulfill my weekly writing responsibilities through the end of June, which I have committed to and enjoy the process of writing about the weekly prompts.

This week, week 44, I wrote about if there is anything that would be a “relationship breaker” for me.

C. Exhale: Continue to serve as a Contributing Editor helping when I can with the publishing our website, as well as also writing reviews and/or essays each season.

I did not do anything with Exhale this week.

D. Special Projects (First draft of my book & other freelance writing): Aim for 15 minutes a day, as when I have done that in the past I have been amazed at the incremental progress I am able to make.

Last Friday morning I had my phone interview for a part-time job (10 hours a week, which I could do from home) that I am really interested in and excited about. The interview went very well and I was told I would likely hear something by today (either an update or whether they want to offer me the job). I have mixed feelings, after 10 years of being primarily a stay at home mom, taking a job like this, even though it is very part-time. But I am trying not to worry about making such a choice until if and when I have a decision to make. I know they were interviewing other candidates, so I may not get an offer and that is okay. Time will tell.

I did not find time to do much else in this category.

E. Read (books, blogs, magazines & other online news/articles of interest): This always seems to be at the bottom of my list of priorities, but is something I get so much out of when I find/make time to do.

I continue to read and enjoy Jill Savage’s new book No More Perfect Moms, started Lori Lavender Luz’s new book The Open Hearted Way to Open Adoption which I am loving, even more than I expected too, and signed up for Melissa Ford’s new GRAB(ook) Club which is reading her new novel, Measure of Love (the sequel to her first novel Life from Scratch)! I will be starting Measure of Love very soon and am excited to find out what happens with main character Rachel Goldman next!

F. Comment on others’ blogs: Prioritize this, with emphasis on return comments and then trying to check in and keep up with other blogs that I follow.

I did okay with this, but not great.

As I shared in the intro to my Winter Shed Series…

When I reflect on what has helped me to shed weight, get/stay in shape in the past, prioritize housekeeping tasks and find more balance in my life, accountability is huge! I have kept myself accountable various ways in the past, but this time I am finding doing so publicly here on my blog have been effective.

Once a week, on Fridays, from now until at least mid-June/Summer, I will continue to check in and share how my week has gone in the key areas I am working on. My hope and intention is that knowing I have this self-imposed report card to file will continue to motivate me to stay focused on my goals.

For those who want to join me in this “Spring Shed,” I will add a Linky Tool to my weekly Friday posts and you are welcome to link up to your Spring Shed blog entries, and/or you can comment here on how you are doing from week to week, so we can support and encourage each other, as well as share what works and what doesn’t for each of us when it comes to striving towards our goals.

Please join me and we can cheer each other on as we kick off the second season of 2013 strong (and stay the course long past February 16th)!

We can do this — TOGETHER!

You are welcome to grab the code for the Spring Shed button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer’s clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser’s Edit menu.