Berlaymonster

TWO PUNS IN ONE

2013-05-21T13:20:00.000+02:00

My pleasure

BM

The Naked Vlog

2013-05-21T11:25:00.002+02:00

Last week I rashly promised that if my Twitter followers numbered more than 2000 by the end of the week that I'd do my next video blog (of about three), naked.

See, then, below the fruits of a long, rainy bank holiday weekend.

BM

From the mouths of Lords

2013-05-17T12:25:00.000+02:00

The BBC's Radio 4 Today program from this morning is worth hunting down, for those who live the UKEU "brexit" debate.

Lord Harries of Pentregarth, a man of the cloth, occupied this morning's 'Thought For The Day' slot. He gave an eloquent reflection on "the issue of Europe."

And there's something in there for everyone, from the pie-eyed nostalgic federalists who pine for the Christian-fired inspiration of the EU's founding fathers, to advocates of EU membership, advocates of EU reform, and advocates of financial-sector regulation.

Listen again and fast-forward to 1h48m10s, or wait for the beeb to put the clip on its Thought For The Day site.

Or just read the transcript below.

No, no, my pleasure.

BM.

Europe has been in the news all week, again. But leaving aside all current political controversies, the issue of Europe does raise much bigger, wider questions.

The early European structures and institutions were brought about by political leaders with a passionate vision for the future.

They wanted to bring lasting peace to countries who had just been devastated by two terrible world wars.

And in fact the key figures in bringing this about were for the most part fired by a deep christian faith.

So the first question is simply whether their vision for Europe has any relevance today, or do we simply assume the work has been done and there'll be peace in Europe for ever more.

Then, if we look at the long history of human political arrangements from tribal societies to warlords, princedoms to great empires, the nation state as we know it is a relative latecomer. Are we really to assume that the nation state or indeed the EU or the UN as we now know them is the end of this process of political evolution?

Certainly from the standpoint of religious faith it would be absurd hubris to think we've somehow arrived NOW at what God intends for human societies.

Then perhaps the most crucial feature of our time: globalisation.

This means that capital can be switched from one part of the globe in an instant and that international companies can evade the power of the state with offshore accounts and tax havens.

In short, whereas in the past individual governments could for the most part ensure that the financial sector worked to benefit its people, they've now substantially lost control.

The financial world runs riot, or at least runs rings round individual governments.

So the third question is whether the financial sector can be reined in and structured to serve the common good without wider institutions involving whole continents and the international community as a whole, institutions that are strong and effective because they have legally enforceable arrangements between them in place. Globalisation is the most potent economic and political factor of our time, bringing changes to many areas of our life.

But if this is a serious challenge, it also forces us to think of the world as a whole, of cooperation with others as well as competition with them.

As the divine purpose is inclusive of all humanity, and as the thrust of the New Testament is to make us look beyond our ordinary boundaries, beit of family or nation, to see a 'neighbour' where there's a human person, especially a person in need, globalisation is I think to be warmly welcomed.

But I don't see how it can be channelled to serve the good of all without wider structures and institutions, whatever form they turn out to be.

EU Commissioner to step down over shady links with honey advocate

2013-04-29T16:39:00.000+02:00

A senior EU official has been forced to step down amid claims he may have been implicated in a honey-for-influence scandal surrounding a pesticide ban.

The top Eurocrat is said to have met with a lobbyist who goes under name of Mr Sanders, acting on behalf of the honey industry.

EU antifraud officials say two meetings took place in the hundred-acre wood.

"Mr Sanders" is understood to have told a honey company he could get his former friend and now EU health commissioner Christopher Robin to ban the pesticide, which scientists say is harmful to bees.

Mr Sanders counting his consultancy retainer

In exchange he demanded a payment of more than 10 percent of the honey company's production.

There's no evidence any of the honey was intended as a sweetener or spread-payment for commissioner Robin.

But fuckit, they fired him anyway...

Tiddly-pom,

BM

EP RULES, OK. ok?

2013-04-17T13:31:00.000+02:00

The jockeying has begun, and before you know it as many as one in five of us will be voting in the European elections next May.

To get ahead of the game, it's worth reminding how the European Parliament selection and election process works, as it can vary from one member state to another.

Below is a helpful extract from a European Parliament "Fact Sheet" from earlier this year, explaining it all for the benefit of the unwashed.

For those acquainted with the rules of the "Mornington Crescent" game on a long-running BBC radio panel show, which includes such variants as "Stovold’s 2nd Amendment to the Standard Convention (1972)" and "Hooper’s Mainline Variation", the below may make more sense than to the uninitiated.

Ready?

"Most Member States have adopted the d’Hondt rule for allocating seats. Germany uses the divisor method with standard truncation called Sainte-Laguë/Schepers and Luxembourg a variant of the d’Hondt method, the Hagenbach-Bischoff method. In Italy seats are allocated by the whole electoral quota and largest remainder method, in Ireland and in Malta by the single transferable vote (STV-Droop), in Greece by the weighted method of proportional representation known as ‘Eniskhimeni Analogiki’, and in Sweden, as in Latvia, by the SainteLaguë method. In Slovakia and in Cyprus a system based on the Droop method and the highest remainder is used, and in Lithuania the Hare system combined with the highest remainder calculation."

Glad that's cleared up.

Work out who your elected representative is going to be with this handy formula

HANDS UP, UKIP

2013-04-11T15:50:00.000+02:00

Never seen a group of people so pleased to have a gun pointed at them.

Or was this the moment just after an enlightened press adviser said, "er, gentlemen, for the photo perhaps we should all raise our left arms, too..."?

BM.

BM, now EU-approved!

2013-04-05T16:26:00.000+02:00

Well that was odd.

Today's European Commission midday briefing ended with an extraordinary endorsement from presiding spokémon Olivier Bailly.

A propos of absolutely nothing, he appealed to the gathered hacks and the literally several who tune in online to 'follow the Berlaymonster on twitter'.

This, after yours truly had spent the best part of the morning fulminating online at the notion that pomme de terre Barroso (aka 'Bozo' in BM posts passim) should enjoy a third term at the helm.

Fellow eurotweeps were swift to point out the implications. "Kiss of death" said @BrunoBrussels off of the Telegraph. "A worrying development" said @bopanc off of the Sunday Times. "What is the world coming to?" said @NatashaBertaud off of, erm, the European Commission press service.

Chuffed to be mentioned in such glowing terms anywhere, and it added a whole 9 new followers to BM's meagre twitter account. Though some may have also hastily reached for the 'unfollow' in distaste.

Perhaps a sign it's time for a holiday.

I'm off somewhere warm with a box-set of The Thick Of It, the complete works of Jonathan Swift, and a claw-sharpener (BM patent-pending).

BM

Fear of Cyprus bank panic prompts journo panic

2013-03-28T19:54:00.001+01:00

Cyprus has seen a run on bank customers, with journalists queuing round the block at cash machines to interview people calmly going about their private financial affairs.

The panic set in amid fears panic would set in, after international lenders forced the Cypriot government to tax people with unimaginably big bank accounts, like, WELL beyond the amount normal people should have in their coffers. Who has 100k anyway?

The anticipated panic saw a mass exodus of financial journalists from their cramped central bureaus to the mediterranean country and popular sunny holiday destination.

Subsequent comments from eurozone chief Jeroen Dijsselbloem about the rescue plan prompted a run on comments about the comments he made, as editors feared news about the crisis would dry up completely.

News media proprietors have introduced controls on copy about Cyprus, with daily limits on how much any paper or wire can take, to prevent them running out of things to say about it all.

Journalists on the ground said the situation was worsening.

"I've got three pre-writes about angry bank customers and panic-buying, but the locals just aren't playing ball," said one.

"I need about half a dozen vox pops from disgruntled bank clientele, preferably conforming to some kind of stereotype of mediterranean folk, but nothing. Nothing."

"Right now I'd settle for one guy with a big moustache who's a bit peeved because he can't get enough cash right now to get his wife a nice present on the way home because he forgot this morning it was her birthday."

BM

Back to School

2013-03-15T13:39:00.001+01:00

In the 1960 film School for Scoundrels (not the abhorrent 2006 remake), an affable young man, outmanoeuvred in love and life, takes up a course at the School of Lifemanship.

It promises to teach him 'how to get ahead without actually cheating,' by taking lessons from some masters in the devious art of stacking the pack in your favour.

In one scene, the naive Henry Palfrey loses in tennis to the ultimate cad, Raymond Delauney. Delauney has the upper hand from the outset, choosing the better end, persuading Palfrey to serve into the sun, and constantly undermining the young man's confidence while cheerfully appearing supportive.

The result is a foregone conclusion: game, set, match, and the hand of the spectating crumpet, to Delauney.

There has been much written in recent months about Britain's influence in Europe.

We speak of vetoes and Luxembourg Compromises, of budgetary alliances with Northern European partners. In less practical terms the broader 'in or out' debate polarizes. Meanwhile prime minister Cameron talks of the EU as if it were an etch-a-sketch which you can simply shake and start over to create the picture you want.

But most, if not all of this chatter, is a distraction.

And most, if not all of it, would be moot, if Britain would only take a few lessons in Lifemanship.

Because Downing Street and Whitehall have a long history - as long as the country's EU membership - of being utterly outplayed by the Delauneys the other side of the net.

For a country that thinks it has such a proud diplomatic legacy around the world, and with a Foreign Office that thinks that it's the mutt's nuts when it comes to sitting at big important international tables, Britain's record in 'getting ahead without actually cheating' is pretty poor in Europe.

It's been oft cited that Britain has, on occasions (such as now), not exactly made the most of the opportunity to nominate a commissioner.

Foreign Relations is not the same cherished position that Lords Soames and Brittan held for the UK at EUHQ, ever since trade was stripped from the portfolio.

Downing Street can be excused for having a short memory. King Charles Street cannot. And when it came to the most recent round of nominations, one should have expected a Sir Humphrey somewhere to clear his throat and ask:

"Foreign Affairs, prime minister? Are you sure? A *courageous* decision if I may say sir."

"Whatever makes you say that?"

"Remember Patten? Ferrero-Waldner?"

"No."

"Well... quite, Prime Minister."

But getting a plum position in one of the few seats of actual power in the commission is only the half of it.

New Labour parked Peter Mandelson in the trade spot in 2004. But Mandy sauntered in with an unpopular liberal agenda, waved it ineffectually around a bit before an unreceptive crowd, and then took the next train home.

He didn't play the meta-game, and seemed blissfully unaware at times that such a game was, indeed, even afoot.

If an EU nation is to exert its influence on the EU project from within, it has to be much more subtle than Mandelson was (subtle at all would have been a start). And some of the UK's biggest European partners understand that only too well.

The commissioners themselves, deftly chosen and placed, can go a long way to serve their national interest (and this is, after all, still a European Union of nation states).

This can be in their own portfolios, as long as it's not too obvious. There's a good reason why there have been no great advances in reforming how to manage film and music rights in Europe. The regime is an embarrassment to a single market, and sticks out as one of the last sectors to still be drawn up along rigidly national lines. It's to blame – with a complicit and lazy media industry that hides behind the law – for the infuriating experience of trying to use the internet to watch TV or films or to buy music in much of Europe.

The French IP 'industry', and - yes - its cultural one too, has arguably the most to lose if you break down those barriers. Michel Barnier has dutifully spent four years kicking that particular can down the road. One last hefty punt, and he can leave it to the next administration, and any prospect of reform is years away.

Similarly, in the previous commission, having a German in charge of the 'industry' portfolio did the car sector no harm.

But the commissioners can exert influence across other dossiers, too, and regularly do.

And that seam of potential national influence runs deeper into the "belly of the beast," as Jeremy Irons called it last week. It runs through the 'cabinets' that advise the individual commissioners and their president, and even down into the commission staff itself, where having a well-placed senior official whose allegiances may naturally sway towards the country of his or her birth, can nip a legislative nuisance in the bud.

And if all else fails, should a draft law displease a national capital, a well-timed and well worded phone call from a national leader to the commission president can make nuisances mystically disappear. BM wrote in uncharitable terms about one such incident in 2006. And, oh look, it's France wanting to delay copyright reform …

It's not just France, of course.

Germany, too, has mustered its people in Brussels and Strasbourg over the years to see off legislative unpleasantries.

The way German MEPs abandoned party affiliations to vote along national lines to block a proposed Takeovers Directive in 2001 - which would have exposed VW to foreign buyers - was one such example.

The way Berlin somehow managed to get the dossier within the European Parliament assigned to a German MEP, Klaus-Heiner Lehne, was deft.

But the way Germany has suppressed plans to legislate for class actions has been a masterclass in political engineering. As the last bastion of EU industry, in which the big players haven't always obeyed the rules, Germany fears its companies could get clobbered with US-style lawsuits if the plans go ahead.

With sympathetic forces in strategic positions, a proposal that was supposed to see the light of day under the previous administration four years ago, is now rusting somewhere in the long grass. Berlin even had the luck - or strategy - to find someone who wasn't German to be the anointed naysayer at the commission's top table, Luxembourger Viviane Reding. And she is now in a position which - she has made sure - has a certain amount of policy reach over the issue.

And if and when a watered down directive, or recommendation, or guidelines, or white paper, green paper, purple paper, non-paper, whatever, does emerge, German factions of the European Parliament - lead by that man again, Klaus-Heiner Lehne - have already put down markers that the House may not be welcoming.

It's manoeuvring such as this that Britain is missing out on.

Such tactics could have seen off any need for chancellor Osborne to be outvoted on bankers' bonuses.

Perhaps a well run campaign going back several years could have resulted in a seven-year budget - and CAP spending in particular – better suited to muffle the critics.

And ultimately, over many years, a well-established and cleverly exploited vein of such influence could have even helped shape a union more in line with Cameron's etch-a-sketch picture of what the EU should be, heading off any talk of leaving the bloc.

Instead, Britain has spent many, many fruitless years serving into the sun, while the scoundrels at the other end cheerfully holler "hard cheese dear boy" with every passing tennis ball.

Game, set, match, AND the girl, to them.

And now for something completely different

2013-03-12T16:55:00.001+01:00

Rehn v K-Thug gets silly. Very silly.

It's now gone from cockroaches and zombies, to Monty Python and hamsters.

As the EU's euro boss and the New York Times' baiter-in-chief continue to go at it hammer and tongs, they've abandoned references to Keynes and Veblen, resorting instead to barbs sourced from the 1970s comedy troupe.

In that vein, here is the Batley Townswomen's Guild re-enactment of the historic Rehn v Krugman battle.

Cockroaches v Zombies

2013-03-06T16:25:00.002+01:00

The Financial Times blog colourfully depicted the spat as "When Economists Attack".

Beardy cleverman Paul Krugman had a pop in his New York Times column at the European Commission's Captain Euro, Olli Rehn.

Olli's grasp of the European economy was found wanting, as the Nobel economist, nicknamed 'K-Thug', described EU monetary theory as like a 'cockroach'. Or a 'zombie'. Or something. Either way, it didn't go down well in Berlaymont Towers.

Olli's friends closed ranks, and there was a particularly touching defence of the Finn from his colleague for telecoms policies Neelie Kroes.

Last October there was talk of creating a 'Super Commissioner' role for oversight of the Euro. Cue whimsical musings on what Olli's superhero alter ego was.

With RehnMan now facing his arch nemesis KrugMan, some frantic photoshopping was clearly called for:

Euro-types passed over for mockery hit back

2013-02-25T12:26:00.001+01:00

Puns at the ready

EU policymakers overlooked by the writers of this weekend's Brussels Press Revue 'Burlesque-Oni' are lining up to criticise the show.

The assortment of sketches included humorous references to commission pomme de terre Jose Manuel Barroso, as well as his parliamentary counterpart Martin Schulz. Council president Herman van Rompuy also featured heavily.

"Even the Irish prime minister and ambassador got a mention," complained Maroš Šefčovič, EU commissioner for payrises.

"I mean, just look at my name, it's got all funny squiggles in it. You could have done something funny based on that," he said.

"Or how it sounds. I mean, listen: 'Šefčovič,' sounds a bit like a sneeze doesn't it? That could be funny too. But no, nothing."

The Brussels architect of the EU's hotly contested seven-year budget was also put out.

Commissioner Lewandowski said his role in arguably the biggest beltway story of the moment was an "absurd oversight."

"I even submitted an alternative version of the song "Feelings." It went: 'Ceilings, budgetary ceilings.'"

"But it didn't even get a look-in."

Malta's new commissioner Tonio Borg, meanwhile, expressed consternation that his predecessor had a whole song dedicated to him ("Goodbye, Dalli"), with "not even a single mention of me, but."

There were also dissenting voices from the European Parliament.

“If you’re going to have a whole sketch dedicated to Jonathan Faull, a Director General in the European Commission, then logically the heads of the major parliamentary groups merit a mention at least,” said Guy Verhofstadt.

“I mean, Faull. A Director General. Please…”

“And as for all your focus on that clown Farage, why does he get all the limelight? Look at the rest of us in the parliament. We’re ridiculous too, goddammit…”

The American Chamber of Commerce was also left consternated that a number of amendments it had wanted to have inserted in several of the sketches went ignored. “Don’t they realise that’s not how it works here?” it said.

A spokeswoman for Press Review chief scribe and MC Geoff Meade said:

"Mr Meade has no comment to make, which is unusual. Having said that, which he didn't, he would like to point out that, while he regrets not mentioning everyone and everything, some people don’t make it easy. For instance, Tony O’Borg would have been guaranteed a mention in this Irish presidency phase of the EU’s waning moon, but unfortunately Dalli’s replacement was the less relevant Tonio Borg."

“Secondly, Sefcovic does indeed sound a bit like to sneeze. More interestingly, Verhofstadt sounds like a full-blown dose of flu. But if we have to mention all Commissioners and all EP group leaders on grounds of political balance, we could go on for ever - a feeling which some people claim to have experienced on Saturday night......”

"Off course I get paid a lot," says EU official. "I gotta work with THESE guys"

2013-02-05T11:34:00.001+01:00

An EU official has defended the pay-and-perks packages for eurocrats, saying the premium rates were justified to compensate for the "shower of sub-simian numpties I have to work with."

"My head of unit is a 23 year old whose work experience amounts to a six-month internship with the Lithuanian ministry for stationery," the official told BM.

"And I had a cabinet official in my office the other day who struggled with the fundamental workings of a door handle."

"Don't get me wrong, these guys are in the minority. But the rest of us really deserve the danger-money for having to put up with their drivel on a daily basis."

Some Brussels officials are to strike today over budget plans that could rein in payrises and other benefits. But others are indicating they could happily live with a salary more in line with those of national civil servants and the cost and quality of life in Brussels, if they could just get a modicum of job satisfaction.

The generous eurocrat pay includes a top-up for having to learn and speak a language not used in any of the EU's member states.

"I'd gladly give you my first-born's school fees not to ever have to 'benchmark' anything ever again," the EU official told BM.

"And d'ye know what, I'll pay full whack for coffee in the canteen and give my expat allowance to charity if it meant fewer pointless meetings with some of these along-for-the-ride gravy-train passengers who make a point of disagreeing in front of colleagues in order to make it seem as though they've read the dossier and now by some miracle have developed an informed opinion."

"See? I've now burst another 12 capillaries and lost the feeling in my left leg. I NEED this money."

BM

David has 595 apples...

2013-02-04T16:09:00.001+01:00

EU leaders are to use apples to help gain clarity on budget negotiations this week.

Diplomats have shipped in a lorryload of the fruit for the summit, which is supposed to agree the EU's next seven-year spending plan.

The sheer scale of the figures and accounting complications have left many European leaders and finance ministers unable to grasp the substance of talks to date.

It's suspected that previous summit discussions on the issue were based on a lot of negotiators just 'blagging it' so as not to look daft.

On arrival at this week's summit, each leader will receive a mountain of apples representative of their country's national budget. Irish officials chairing the talks will then reallocate some of the apples according to the budget scenarios under discussion.

An early draft of the summit proposals, seen by BM, say:

"David has 600 apples.

David gives 15 apples to Herman and Jose.

Angela and her friends give 4 apples to David. Herman and Jose give 6 apples to David.

David now has 595 apples.

Is this:

a) an outrageous drain on David's fruitbowl
b) an excuse for David to choose who he gives his apples to
c) still plenty of apples, David should stop his interminable whingeing. Kuñardocz."

One summit official, asked if the apples represented appropriations for commitments or appropriations for payments, said, "AAAAaaaargh did you HAVE to ask me that? I understood it for a moment there. You've gone and thrown me right off. Got to start again now. 1... 2... 3... "

Nevertheless, Irish diplomats are holding out for a fruitful outcome.

See below an updated video guide to the EU budget talks, further to BM's instructional video in November:

BM

warning: this apple analogy is not compatible with other fruit analogies.

THE ***KING SPEECH - trailer

2013-01-23T13:16:00.000+01:00

Here's BM's trailer for the upcoming release of THE ***KING SPEECH, a tale of a leader in the spotlight, under pressure to make the speech of his lifetime, to a nation, nay a continent, a world, gripped, hanging on his every syllable.

How to pronounce Dijsselbloem

2013-01-22T08:40:00.003+01:00

The new president of the group of countries using the euro apparently presents some pronunciation woes for non Dutch speakers.

Fear not.

BM hasn't spent more than 400 years at the heart of Carolingian northern Europe for nothing.

Such names can trip so easily off the tongue, once you know how.

Here, borrowing somewhat heavily from the far more amusing 'PronunciationManual' on youtube, is BM's definitive guide.

Goed zo.

"I'm, erm, just researching a trademark case..."

2013-01-18T12:53:00.000+01:00

'Add to cart' ... Gut, das ist ze

anniversary present sorted...

There are very few moments of mirth for those tracking EU jurisprudence.

But reading that the EU's trademark office OHIM and the Luxembourg courts have gone into some detail to research vibrators is one of them.

Particularly when it's in juridical German.

There's something about seeing the words "stabformig" and "kugelformig" (rod-shaped and ball-shaped) in a legal text that raises more than a smile.

Not least when on further reading it transpires that a legal officer at the trademark office had trawled the internet for vibrators in order to show that a particular design wasn't unique enough to merit a trademark.

One wonders what OHIM's IT department thought when the red lights went off in the basement as one work station was found trying to access information online on an "Anal & Vagina Vibrator for men." No... really... The mind boggles.

Read the judgment in its teutonic glory here, or if you're hard of German, read it in French here. Though in French it just sounds, well, normal, as if this is what appears in legal texts all the time.

See paragraph 59 for some of the more eye-watering detail.

It's a case BM brought to your attention last April.

A German sex-toy maker was trying to get a 3D trademark for the shape of one of its devices, described as a 'new, stylish, futuristic lay-on vibrator' made up of '3 little balls.'

The EU's trademark office OHIM rejected the application. And now the EU courts have rejected the company's appeal.

OHIM, judges ruled today, was right to point that there were already "various rod-shaped but also ball-shaped and rounded" products on the market.

And the company couldn't try and bind the use of its 'FunFactory' brand in with the supposed distinctiveness of the product.

"The expression 'fun' in relation to the product in question is descriptive of its purpose," the court writes - another extract that must be read in the original German to appreciate it in full ("... ist dieser Ausdruck in Anwendung auf die fraglichen Waren fur deren Zweck beschreibend...").

Viel Spass.

Viel, viel Spass.

Tips for EU interns

2013-01-15T13:49:00.001+01:00

Judging by the heavy air of naivete and optimism at Place Luxembourg last Thursday, and a general pertitude about the place, BM infers that a new batch of interns may have recently arrived in Brussels, joining the juvenile throngs that arrived in September last year.

With that in mind, here are some tips to see you through your internship, be it in an EU institution, or the European Association for Peanut Coatings Manufacturers.

These were harvested off of that-there Twitter on a quiet Friday after starting a #stagiairetips hashtag.

Walking decisively with some paper several times a day is a suitable alternative to work.
Monday is a perfectly respectable day to go drinking.
Never say you don't get an acronym; just say you're tired of people using them
Locals love to hear of possible improvements they could make to their country. Point out shortcomings at every opportunity.
Your folks and friends back home have No. Idea. what you do. Explaining is futile. Get used to it.
An assistantship at the European Parliament also makes a suitable alternative to work. Unless you're unattractive.
There is no shame at all in having the email address temp_stage9897b@cor.europa.eu
Go for coffee in a large group to protect yourselves from those who resent you for going for coffee in a large group
Never speak to journalists. There is absolutely nothing you know or have access to that could be of interest to them.
When sending a cut-and-paste job application, write the recipient's name in a different font. It makes them feel special.
Conferences and other events (preferably large) make up well for an empty fridge.
Exki makes an unsatisfying and expensive alternative to lunch
"Forget" to take off your Commission badge on the Metro. People will assume "stagiaire" means a shit-hot Barrosso confidant.
Being a stagiaire is excellent experience for being a stagiaire again. Which may be your next job
Try and ration your alcohol intake. Limit your drinking to two occasions: when it's raining, and when it's not.
Don't fret if you sleep with someone you shouldn't. It's not as if you're likely to bump into them again.
The ability to organise a party is EXACTLY the kind of thing an employer is looking for on a CV
Play your cards right, and in another fifteen years you could be head of unit for pelagic stocks in the North Sea.

Thanks to:

@Pidge

@CraigWinneker

@GoodallGiles

@jamesfraney

@TheEurobubble

and others for contributions.

Democracy in Europe - Illustrated!

2012-12-17T12:38:00.001+01:00

Following a recent post 'Democracy in Europe Explained,' is seems the explanation may not have been quite clear enough, as there are still some who mistakenly defend the 'democratic' legitimacy of Europe's pomme de terres to represent its people (c.f. Nobel).

Politically and legally legitimate they may be, but as noted in September:

"when the person that is chosen by the people who were chosen by the people who were chosen by the people wasn't even chosen by the people nor even by or from among the people who were chosen by the people, that kind of takes the biscuit."

Here's a handy diagram to explain the situation more clearly:

Happy Christmas, voters.

BM

Brussels notes 'disappointing' implementation of Single European Swearword

2012-12-13T13:54:00.003+01:00

EU leaders meeting in Brussels this week are considering fresh impetus into cross-Europe deployment of a single European swearword (SES), which has been slow to catch on since its adoption in 2007.

In a draft report of the initiative seen by BM ('Towards an SES - a Mid-Term Review - lessons learnt') the EU sets out its "disappointment" at the lack of progress.

EU governments five years ago settled on the expletive "kuñardocz" as a way for citizens to air grievances in a harmonised fashion across the bloc's borders.

But take-up has been sluggish, the draft summit conclusions find.

"At a time of financial crisis, with protests and anger at austerity measures now a genuinely 'European' phenomenon, it is regretable that national differences in expression are hampering the process towards catharsis" the document states.

Setting out a Strategy for a Roadmap towards a Scoreboard for SES Implementation, the report suggests funding one of those snazzy promotional videos, for which the EU institutions have such a great reputation.

Souvenirs bearing witty slogans in all the EU's languages are also to be made available, showcasing uses of kuñardocz.

These will include t-shirts and reinforced baseball caps saying "Keep Calm, Kuñardocz!" in Greek, and a toy 'tickle-me Barroso'. If you rub his belly, he'll reply with a limited vocabulary of 'Jobs' 'Growth' 'Stability' 'kuñardocz' and 'I got a Nobel, do you?'.

Extra cultural funding will also be made available to dub existing national swearwords out of films and TV shows.

Diversity?

2012-12-11T17:13:00.001+01:00

Oh it's so easy to be critical isn't it.

So here we go.

Just noticed, on the 20-meter high banner on EUHQ celebrating (humbly) the EU's Nobel Peace Prize, the EU's slogan of 'United in Diversity' may have been overlooked.

The EU institutions commissioned the roll-up fresco off of Le Monde's signature cartoonist, Jean Plantureux ('Plantu'). You can even add the central 'dove' motif to your twitter or facebook profile pic.

Amid the clamouring dozens of adoring (white) European faces, there is one lone non-white character, lovingly depicted thusly:

Perhaps Plantu was taking inspiration from his former patron Hergé, after a Belgian court found the characterisations of Africans in Tintin in the Congo weren't 'racist'.

[or is he wearing a balaclava??]

BM

Nobelesse Oblige

2012-12-11T16:19:00.000+01:00

Pomme de terre Barroso, still flushed with smuggery after picking up the Nobel Peace Prize on behalf of the 500 million people he represents, must have allowed himself an extra grin of limelight absorption as he was interviewed by the host of this evening's Nobel prize concert, Sarah Jessica Parker, off of the telly and a handful of potboiler romcoms.

Footage of the interview itself is not yet available. But here's an exclusive photo of SJP spilling the beans afterwards:

EU leaders pledge 'not to harp on about it'

2012-12-10T18:04:00.001+01:00

Leading EU institutional figures pledged late on Monday not to bang on and on about getting the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

"I mean, it's not like its a big deal or anything," said one.

"We're not going to like throw it back in your face or anything every time something doesn't go our way."

The award, they insisted, was "not for us, but for the European people. You know, the people."

The continent of 500 million deserved this recognition for not having killed each other for a while, they said.

And if national governments refused to grant a bigger centralised EU budget or more centralised powers of financial supervision, "far be it for us to start bandying around the 'P' word," said one EU chief.

"It would be beneath us to seek to use this prize, which is for the people, as some kind of underpinning justification for the European project as a whole including all other initiatives unrelated directly to stopping people killing each other."

"You won't hear another word about this from us. No sir."

"Not us."

"This peace prize, highly esteemed and merited as it may be, will not come up again."

"Humility is the watchword."

"Not another mention of it."

"This peace prize."

"Nobel, peace prize."

"That we, you know, well, effectively 'won'."

"Not a peep more."

"We'll just put it, modestly and humbly, in a new 100-million-euro museum."

"And some are getting replicas and t-shirts made."

"And there's a 20 meter banner on the side of our building."

"But apart from that, schtum."

"Forget about it."

"In fact, already forgotten."

"This Nobel Peace Prize."

"For the EU."

"Nobel Peace Prize."

"Previously won by Nelson Mandela"

"And Mother Therersa."

"Yeah you can eat my Nobel Peace Prize ..................................... fuckers"

Nobel Prize for Poetry

2012-12-10T17:27:00.000+01:00

HvR and Barroso unveil their
palette range of blushers

Some lines on a gong:

There once were some men from Bruxelles,
Who accepted the Prix de Nobel,
They picked up the prize,
To some rolling of eyes,
But they kept Martin Schulz quiet as well.

BM

Ever wondered what a Brixit package will look like?

2012-12-05T10:04:00.002+01:00

McVeto's Disjunctives, Taking the Biscuit since 1973.

Good for dunking - in the mid-Atlantic...

(Concede, could probably could have come up with a better name than Disjunctives. But didn't).

BM