Berlaymonster

EU pledges ultimate rescue measures, as 'bored with brink'

2012-05-30T13:19:00.003+02:00

Oh look. An abyss. Still. *Yawn*

EU governments this week pledged to take urgent action to save a continent that has spent the past part of four years on the brink of collapse.

At a meeting in Brussels, EU ministers said the rescue measures had now become vital, as the pre-apocalypse precipice had become "boring."

"There's only so long that the EU can be in a constant state of teetering," said one EU diplomat after the meeting.

"The frisson has gone."

Eleven 'emergency' summits culminated earlier this month in yet another high-level 'crisis' meeting, at which EU leaders urgently dropped everything to gather in Brussels to agree absolutely nothing yet again.

The post-summit ennui in the last week prompted EU capitals, lead by Germany, to finally agree just to bail everyone out once and for all.

"That way we can get back to bickering about copyright levies and dairy reform," the EU diplomat said.

"Once you've spent four years staring into the abyss, you just start to yearn for a change in scenery really."

Every Border Guard has his Day

2012-05-25T10:42:00.002+02:00

And it was yesterday.

Don't tell me you missed it? Did you travel? Did you hug one?

24 May 2012 was European Border Guard Day (is there anything left that doesn't have a Day?)

What this means is anyone's guess... do they get a day off, leaving the tidal cliche of migrants to flood through? Do they get free icecream and a balloon? Do they get amnesty from the European Court of Human Rights for puncturing dinghys off the coast of Libya? Do they get to throw sponges at Greek guards, or guess the weight of the lorryful of migrants?

No, they got a nice big conference in Warsaw as a nice big thank you for keeping us safe. Poor bastards.

The high point was a photo competition, which we think should have been a caption contest. See below the winner with BM's effort at the image's subtext.

As a diversion, the delegates were also offered a programme of loosely border-guard-themed movies. As if to rub their noses in it, however, the films were almost all arty flicks of hardship of poor individuals slipping past the naughty moustachioed border police, or alternatively suffering at the hands of same and being sent back to a life of poverty and oppression.

Yaaay Border Guards!

And the cost in this time of austerity and sadness? 400 000 euros (hidden away on page 118 of the EU border agency Frontex's 2012 work programme)

"Let's go over it again. I'll handcuff and strip them and conduct a full body

search, then you jump out of the cake and sing happy birthday."

(The winning photo by Jaroslaw Wtorkiewicz)

From BM contributor Zengerin

You can't trademark a chocolate rabbit

2012-05-24T16:10:00.002+02:00

And it only took four lawyers, six judges, two judge rapporteurs, one Advocate General, two registrars and a phalanx of other support staff four years to reach that conclusion.

The EU's Court of Justice today agreed with a previous ruling that chocolate maker Lindt can't trademark its gold-wrapped chocolate rabbit.

Typical...

It concurred with the previous ruling, which said that "as regards the shape of a sitting or crouching rabbit, that shape can be considered to be a typical shape for chocolate rabbits."

Further, on the packaging which Lindt said was 'distinctive', "it is common to decorate chocolate animals or their wrapping with bows, ribbons and bells and that, therefore, small bells and bows are common elements in the case of chocolate animals."

Four years of legal fees and court wages well spent? As the courts grapple with a backlog on cases involving credit card fees, billion euro cartel fines, fundamental rights and equality, anti-terrorism measures?

To play us out, it's Chas 'n' Dave's immortal classic, 'Rabbit'. Gives me 2m22s to climb down from this rather lofty horse.

EU jackpot for travel booking IT firm

2012-05-23T17:00:00.000+02:00

Ka-ching

It's a good day when the European Commission takes up your client's complaint against Google, and the European Investment Bank hands you 200 million euros.

That's what happened this week to travel booking tech company Amadeus.

The European Commission warned Google it had a matter of 'weeks' to promise to change certain business practices that may be in breach of competition law.

One of the chief complainants in the case has been online travel booking company Expedia.

The IT company that powers Expedia's booking infrastructure is Amadeus, a company set up by some of Europe's major incumbent airlines including Air France-KLM and Lufthansa. Amadeus has also publicly backed the case against Google.

On the same day as the commission's Google announcement, the EIB said it had approved a 200 million loan to Amadeus for further R&D.

Finally, some joined-up thinking among the EU institutions towards fostering European industry champions.

Perhaps Amadeus has its etymology (now) in 'Love of the EU'. Ama d'EU (the 's' indicates the genetive. or something).

BM.

Put away the PlayStation and axe the XBox.

2012-05-21T11:48:00.003+02:00

It's time for a fun game of 'Spot the EU funding mechanism'!!

Children of Malta rejoice.

Your Saturdays will never be the same again when your parents' weekend Times of Malta lands on the doorstep.

You'll have literally minutes of instructive diversion as you seek to couple such instruments as "EUPA, PPCD, Cultural Contact Point" with their correct definitions.

And all provided by that reknowned youth and entertainment specialist, the EU institutions, as they seek to syndicate out their programme of EU-themed 'fun' entitled 'Kids' Corner' (scrawled in an amusing childish font! LOL! etc).

Sheesh etc.

When Holly met Merky

2012-05-16T09:46:00.000+02:00

Willkommen in Deutschland

Sparks fly, but Frankie says Relax

When Francois Hollande's plane was struck by lightning yesterday on his way to meet German president Angela Merkel, the world assumed that the German god of thunder Donar had been policing the skies over the Rhine valley to administer some old-school wrath.

But Mr Normal emerged unscathed, prompting some to wonder whether it was indeed portent of some more euro-doom.

Merkel herself said it was a 'good omen,' and as the Economist's Charlemagne columnist pointed out on that there twitter (@EconCharlemagne), a lightning strike in French - 'coup de foudre' - actually means love at first sight.

But could Merkel have forgotten her previous paramour so soon? Sar... Sackoosy ... Teacosy ... wossisface. You know, him. Little fella.

BM

Just a thought, but if the French president's cabinet leaks a story, can the journalist say it came from a 'Hollandaise source'? Please?

Ecofin to introduce 'The Voice'-style voting on national bailouts

2012-05-15T11:55:00.002+02:00

The Danish presidency of the EU is seeking to pierce the crisis gloom at ministerial level, with plans to introduce voting procedures modelled on TV talent show The Voice.

The pilot project will be tested first at the monthly 'ecofin' finance ministerial councils.

Initial agenda items expected to undergo the novel procedure are expected to be any upcoming national austerity plans, in particular a potential redraft of Greece's bailout, or even a fudge to crowbar Greece out of the Euro.

The presidency chairing the meeting will present the agenda item and, if necessary, the relevant national finance minister will set out the details of the measures proposed.

Other finance ministers will be arranged around the council table with their seats facing outwards.

Even Juncker gets a vote at the audition stage

If they like the sound of what they hear, they can hit a big red button and their chairs will swing around with a satisfying *PFFFFFT* sound.

They can then stand up and punch the air and jump about like a goon to encourage other ministers to also hit their buttons.

Sense-of-humour failure over spoof Merkel tweets

2012-05-14T15:59:00.001+02:00

As European leaders rise and fall, the euro twittersphere, too, saw one of its heads of state fall from power last week.

Twitter, for reasons still only known to itself, suspended the account of one @Angela_D_Merkel, who had garnered more than 26 000 followers through her idle whimsies on the financial crisis and other matters of world import.

The ersatz Chancellor has now been reinstated, as @Queen_Europe, with her following in tact.

Mock Merkel said a 'government' had complained, and that "suspicions point to a certain outgoing pint-sized President."

@berlaymonster awaits its cease-and-desist order any day from the real monster of the Berlaymont building...

BM

Latest from the (drinks) cabinet

2012-05-11T11:31:00.001+02:00

Brussels launches public consultation on what whiskey to have for breakfast

What is it occupying the thoughts of the EU's most senior eurocrat on IT and telecoms issues?

The spread of broadband?

Mobile roaming rates?

Online copyright?

Possibly. But not according to his twitter feed.

As Europeans across the continent wrestle with euro-austerity, Robert Madelin is clearly facing a dilemna of his own.

Which single malt whiskey to have?

Oban or Dalwhinnie?

AT 11 IN THE MORNING ON A FRIDAY.

Perhaps he's in a timezone where it's perfectly acceptable to be having a whiskey about now.

And perhaps he has already worked his way through the Springbank and the Bunnahabhain, so now thinks it's a great idea to launch an impromptu public consultation on the strategic way forward.

Either way, it don't look good, do it?

Perhaps it's a trend though. Only a month ago, alcohol was clearly on the mind of commission president Jose Manuel Barroso, as he likened his institution to a 'gin and tonic'.

The correct answer, by the way Robert, is Oban.

Slàinte mhath

Setback for MEP 'Single Seat' campaign as details unveiled

2012-05-10T12:56:00.000+02:00

'and we want a big fucking hammer that can summon thunder'

Support for the European Parliament to stop its 200 million euro travelling circus between its twin bases of Brussels and Strasbourg has taken a hit, after details of the 'Single Seat' plan were made public.

The 'single seat' they had in mind, it seems, is actually a 1.3-tonne gilded throne with mythical divine powers of legislative scrutiny and initiative.

And MEPs want one each.

"If I'm not getting my monthly jollies down in Strasbourg, and I'm saving the EU millions of euros, I demand something in return," said an un-named fictional French MEP.

"A big posh chair should do it."

Some members have also entered an amendment to ask that the 'what-happens-in-Strasbourg-stays-in-Strasbourg' principle is carried over to apply once a month in Brussels, if the parliament's political home is consolidated in the Belgian capital.

One of the perks of the Strasbourg jaunt is that French rules governing the political elite apply there, including key waivers from the sanctity of holy matrimony.

Merkozy is dead. Long live the Pousse-moi-Zieh-dich

2012-05-07T11:52:00.002+02:00

A new beast is born.

The Pousse-moi-Zieh-dich is a single animal with two heads that will pull in two directions.

And as if this gift to euro-anthropomorphic allegory were not enough, the animal's to-and-fro is looked over by a man called 'Dolittle', which presents us with something of an open goal in terms of filling in the representational satirical gaps.

Nominations for that role on a postcard please.

EU council likes big 'buts'

2012-05-04T12:04:00.002+02:00

EU transparency 'victory'

This is what passes for a triumph in the ongoing tussle to make the EU institutions less opaque.

Dutch MEP Sophie in 't Veld three years ago requested access to an internal legal opinion on the EU's negotiating mandate to hand suspect payment data to the US authorities under terrorism laws.

The European Parliament had been left out of the process, while the European Commission and the Council of EU member states pressed on with the talks.

When she was refused full access to the Council legal opinion, she appealed to the EU courts.

Today, the courts said the council was wrong to hand her such a heavily redacted version of the opinion.

But don't break out the champagne yet, Sophie.

Essentially, the court says

'You may have access to some information, BUT not all, about the legal opinion on a mandate for a deal. BUT the deal was concluded two years ago. BUT it's up to the people who refused you access to the information in the first place to now decide again how much information to give you.'

'BUT the information you can have is in any case not on the substance of the mandate, only on an internal dispute over the legal basis.'

Hurraaaaay.......

Spend less, EXCEPT ON US

2012-04-25T16:01:00.000+02:00

It's a difficult message to flog, but by God has the commission flogged it.

And it's an easy message to vilify.

So BM has obediently done so.

The commission has the advantage, being an unelected body, of not having to pander to public perceptions of what may or may not be the right thing to do.

So if the public thinks it may ring false to preach austerity while demanding more money, it must forgive the unwashed for not quite grasping the finer points of commitments versus appropriations, the financial framework programmes, or Keynsian thought as applied at the EU level.

Sometimes the right thing to do, isn't the right thing to do.

Hungry?

EAT SATIRE.

BM.

Confused intern releases EC statement under Um Bongo

2012-04-24T17:54:00.001+02:00

It's a visual gag, to be honest.

And somewhat predicated on knowing the popular 1980s UK drinks brand Um Bongo, the concept of releasing press information under 'embargo', and having a sense of the comic potential - no matter how scant - of a confusion between the two.

Listen, it was either this or something equally poor based on the Dutch political system getting 'clogged up'...

BM

Unlikely things to hear in Brussels 1-10

2012-04-20T16:14:00.000+02:00

To ~~plagiarise~~ borrow a format made popular by I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, Mock The Week, and Private Eye, here's a rundown of the top ten 'unlikely things to hear in Brussels', as spouted by @Berlaymonster on that there twitter.

Bung us your own, by BM's customary gmail, or over the aforementioned virtual verbal diary-er with the hashtag #unlikelythingstohearinbrussels.

"Your Dutch colleague is very quiet."

"Actually my kids are at a Belgian school."

"But there's so many brunch options to choose from."

"No no, I can't, I'm driving."

"Yay, Strasbourg!"

"Frankly, I support the strike."

"Let's go down the Parliamentarium!"

"I'm looking forward to relocating to the Madou tower."

"I've been working for Cathy Ashton for more than a year now."

"Mr Chairman, I'm aware I still have several minutes of speaking time, but I think I'll leave it there."

EU's founding fathers to make hologram comeback

2012-04-18T15:29:00.003+02:00

Two of the EU's key founding fathers, Jean Monnet and Robert Schuman, are to make a virtual comeback at a press conference later this month.

Following the successful resurrection of dead rapper Tupac this week in a hologram performance, EU commission president Jose Manuel Barroso and council prez Herman van Rompuy are to stage a similar stunt with the defunct euro-heroes.

Monnet, who has been dead since 1979, and Schuman - since '63 - will be reanimated through the latest in EU-funded technology, in the form of two life-size cardboard cutouts.

Three interns will be deployed to move the arms and provide the voices of the two men, who are expected to express their support for the ongoing work of messrs Bozo and van Rental, and echo the insistence of a need now more than ever for a coordinated yeah blah whatever.

The 'Monster also Tweets

2012-04-18T12:09:00.002+02:00

BM has developed opposable thumbs and an obsessive desire to be seen to be passing comment on anything and sometimes everything, no matter how pointless.

Witness the inanity. Follow: @Berlaymonster

Drunk with power

2012-04-16T17:18:00.007+02:00

This week's Economist unveils a whole new side to EU commission president Barroso.

Like 'vice' president Reding, Barroso, it seems, is something of a lush.

Apparently he seeks inspiration for political metaphor in the bottom of a glass.

The latest edition of the mag ('The Bible of the Unbeliever' said Bozo predecessor Romano Prodi once) cites the commish prez as comparing his institution to a cocktail.

The 'Charlemagne' column quotes him as warning against trying to split the politicos and the bureaucrats.

“We need both the gin and the tonic," he told 'em. "We need the blend of political judgment and technocratic expertise.”

A tad insensitive to be saying so in Belgium, where gin ('Genever') is the nation's second tipple - and is drunk on its own.

It does, however, open a new world of analogy.

Whither will the metaphor meander? It can only deteriorate, surely?

"Herman van Rompuy is like Blue Curacao - no-one's first choice, but if it's all there is, you'll fuggin' have it."

"A pretty intern is like a bottle of Napoleon brandy - you should always have one in your cabinet! He he. PREFERABLY WITH THE TOP OFF ha ha ha, I said, 'preferably with the top off' aha."

"The parliament is like a Snowball. Not very powerful, and too much of it can make you feel sick. Ahahahaaaa BLEURGH ... oops."

BM's Spokémon cards #4 - Baï Yee

2012-04-13T12:31:00.002+02:00

Today, Spokémon fans, it's Baï Yee, with his prowess in fending off the Gronooies of Pentagonia.

His powers grow weak, however, against non-Pentagonians.

Spotted in Brussels #3

2012-04-12T15:17:00.006+02:00

Fishy.

How do you get into Brussels' latest business hotel in the city's Euro Village?

Why, up the 'Tuna Passage', that's how.

And if you're driving there from the East side of town, you'll doubtless be coming up the Wet Tunnel - making Anglophones titter since its erection in 1958...

Previous Spotteds #1 & #2

BM's Spokémon cards #3 - Amadu, the Fire Douser

2012-04-12T12:48:00.002+02:00

Here's the third instalment in the BM Spokémon card collection, Amadu, the Fire Douser.

Beware his formidable powers, but call him an 'idiot' repeatedly and he'll run away.

BM's Spokémon cards #2 - the mighty Kundun

2012-04-11T10:21:00.002+02:00

Following the launch of the Spokémon card collection yesterday, with the most commonly seen character Piachu, today - the mighty Kundun, master of the Spokémon.

Coming soon, the Fire Douser, Amadu.

BM's Spokémon cards - start your collection now

2012-04-10T14:21:00.002+02:00

Pit the powers of the EU's flacks against each other with BM's collect-and-keep special edition Spokémon cards.

First in the collection is Piachu.

Coming soon, the mighty Kundun, and more.

BM

German dildo peddlar has balls

2012-04-03T16:23:00.003+02:00

Trademark law becomes pruriently interesting.

It's been a while since an excuse for some schoolboy tittering graced the 'Monster's electronic interface.

A German sex toy manufacturer has appealed a decision by the EU's trademark office to refuse a '3D trademark' for the shape of one of its devices.

The 'YOOO' model is described as a 'new, stylish, futuristic lay-on vibrator' made up of '3 little balls', and all for the perhaps predictable price of 69 euros.

But the innovative shape has fallen foul of an application by the Fun Factory brand to get an EU trademark.

And the EU's intellectual property officials at the Alicante-based agency clearly did their research.

Refusing the request to trademark the shape of the YOOO toy, the EU trademark office said "there is an array of shapes of corresponding products from competitors which, while often rod-shaped, were also sometimes characterised by spherical or other rounded shapes.”

The function, they said, dictated the form, which meant it couldn't get a trademark.

Fun Factory has taken the case to the EU courts.

Presumably the judges there will have as much fun researching this case as they did a couple of years ago, when a Belgian sex shop tried to get tax breaks given to cinemas because of the movie-viewing booths at the back.

Pro-ACTA campaigners descend on Brussels

2012-04-03T09:51:00.006+02:00

Campaigners in favour of the global anticounterfeiting treaty ACTA have protested in Brussels today in their dozens, in a bid to sway the views of EU decision-makers.

They gathered before the European Parliament, which is threatening to sink the agreement, and chanted at the mainly empty building:

"What do we want?"

"A largely symbolic fairly toothless global accord on IPR enforcement that creates no direct impact on private citizens, particularly in a jurisdiction such as Europe which already has such rules in force."

"When do we want it?"

"Once it has been ratified by the EU member states and endorsed by the European Parliament and following a legal opinion from the European Court of Justice."

The demonstrators bore placards with slogans such as "INTERNATIONAL TREATIES SUCH AS THIS ONE HAVE NO LEGAL EFFECT BUT ARE SIMPLY A CONTRACTUAL ACCORD BETWEEN THE SIGNATORIES."

Another read "THE IMPORTANT CAVEAT AS FAR AS EUROPE IS CONCERNED IS ARTICLE 26 PARAGRAPH 2 AND ITS FOOTNOTE - TO BE READ IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE APPLICABLE ECJ CASE LAW C-70/10 SCARLET V SABAM."