It’s THAT time of the year again!  In honor of Cinco De Mayo, I will once again share with you a story that humiliates me each and every time I even think about it.  Enjoy feeling superior for a day!  You’ve earned it!

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The other day I was at the grocery store. Out of pure laziness, I didn’t bother to grab a cart since I only planned to purchase a few items. As I was walking towards the check out counter, one of my tuna fish cans dropped onto the floor, right at foot of this kid who looked to be around 15 years old.
As the kid/man-boy, whatever, grabbed the can and put it back on my pile of stuff I laughed and said:

JESSICA: Sorry, first day with my new arms.

to which he responded:

MAN/BOY: OOhhhhh, that’s so great. You look great.

Okay, now I know that there are many people out there who could easily be described as “not the sharpest knife in the drawer” but as I watched this kid look to where my real arms ended and the prosthetic ones began, I realized “not the sharpest knife” just didn’t go far enough to explain the kid’s state of mind.

However, later that day, I got to thinking about all the dumb statements I had made in life and suddenly felt not only a new understanding of this boy but a kinship as well.

“What day is Cinco de Mayo?” I once asked a friend of mine
“What kind of animal is Toucan Sam?” I asked another.
“Don’t try and pull the bag over my head”, I once announced to my then husband.

(and my all time favorite)

“She was so scared, the hair on her back stood up” I said as I described a friend’s reaction to a guy she thought was following her.
No, these are not made up statements. I have at one point in time actually uttered these very words to another individual and trust me, I was way older than fifteen.

In fact, if I’m to be totally truthful with you, I must confess that the line about the bag over the head is not even close to the only time that I have butchered an idiom to the point where the person I am saying it to has been pushed to ask me, “What the f@#k are you talking about?”

And I’m not the only one in my family with this problem. Like heart disease or Cancer or even Excema, the inability to remember an idiom is an inherited trait that has affected every member of my entire family for generations. It is now at the point where we are all loathe to even take a stab at sharing a story, a thought or God forbid, give any advice using any type of idiom whatsoever.

Not that it stops us from trying. When my family and I talk amongst ourselves we will refer to an idiom just not in its exact form. For instance – not long ago I was talking to my sister about buying a new car. She thought it was stupid because I had just told her that for a yearly savings of a hundred bucks, I’d cancelled the call waiting feature on my phone and yet here I was, willing to add a car payment to my monthly budget simply because at that time, I was driving my old c**kblocker and I couldn’t handle the way men refused to look at me as though I were Phoebe’s grandmother.

Now the appropriate idiom for her to have said to me would have been, “you’re being penny wise, pound foolish”. Of course, I’m able to tell you this because I just got off the phone with a friend who was able to recite what the idiom was that I was looking for. Sadly, however, when I was having this discussion with my sister, the conversation went more like this:

MY SISTER: Well, you know, what is that saying about money?

ME: Don’t be stupid or foolish or something…

MY SISTER: Yeah, right, uh… you’re being foolish and something, something….

ME: Yeah, yeah, Wait, God, what is that saying?

MY SISTER: I don’t know, just don’t do it

ME: Oh God, it’s killing me. What is the line..

MY SISTER: I have no idea. Just save your money. I have to go, Emma just told me

her butt is itchy.

Sad. So sad….

As defined by me:

Oy: – “What can I say?” ” I’m a moron”, “she’s a moron,” ” he’s a moron,” “they’re all a bunch of morons”.

Chutzpah: To have guts, gall, brave, nerve as in “only a giant asshole would have the nerve to do something like that”

Farklempt: Bummed out, bad mood, sick to your stomach because the your goyim husband didn’t have the chutzpah to say anything

Goyim: Non Jew, the one who knows how to fix shit around your house aka “the guy” as in “call the guy and tell him to come and fix it”

Shiksas: Non – Jewish woman, usually blonde, too quiet, never worries, will deal with ‘it’ later, as in when she is six feet under.

Kibitz: Not to be confused with the cat food “Kibbles n Bits”, to meddle in other people’s business, referred to as “chit chat” but only by those whose
true intent is to Kibitz

Kvel: Glow with pride, overcome with emotion because your son is not going to marry that Shiksa girl after all”

Kevtch: to complain, to bitch and moan non-stop, otherwise known as the Jewish person’s way of killing time until they die which is imminent, they don’t care what the tests say.

Mazel – Tov: “Congratulations, Good for you, should’ve been me but if not me, then you, which it is and I will never understand why but I’m happy for you, as happy as I can be for someone who got something that I clearly deserved.”

Nosh: A “taste”, “a sliver” Synonyms for Nosh: An entire beef brisket, more salmon than a bear could eat in a lifetime

Shlep: To drag something along that you should not have had to take with you, that is if the Shiksa would have taken responsibility and carried it herself but you knew if she did she’d give you the silent treatment the entire rest of the day.”

Shmutz: Dirt that can only seemed to be removed by your grandmother sticking her entire hand in her mouth and then rubbing it across your face with enough force to knock you to your knees.

Shtik: Your routine. The things you do and say that are so beyond irritating it actually makes your neighbors broken car alarm sound like what noise. Stuff you do that can make your mother laugh but has yet to make anyone else laugh but you refuse to get that so you keep doing it anyway.

Shivts: To sweat profusely, often used as an excuse to take your shirt off hoping your six pack will take her mind off the fact that you are 40 and your biggest source of income is mowing your parent’s lawn.

Treyf: Food that has not been deemed kosher by the proper authorities, this term can also applies to any Jew who is or ever was married to a goyim and to their resulting offspring.

So I”m driving on a major thoroughfare and I stop at a red light. In the car next to me, is some guy at the wheel and in the backseat was this huge, adorable Goldendoodle with his big head sticking out the window, breathing in the polluted Los Angeles air like a teenager sniffing fumes from a paint can. So touching, so touching.

Anyway, I roll down my passenger side window and started yelling out to the dog in this nauseating baby voice, “Hey there buddy! What’s up?! How are you? Hey baby! Next thing I know, the driver of the car, whose window is also rolled down, turns his face towards me, points his finger at his chest and mouths the word “me?”. As in, “are you asking me how I am? Are you calling me “Baby” and “buddy”?

So I played along and with a big smile on my face said to him, ‘Yes, you!” and then I made the universal hand sign for a phone and mouthed the words, “Call me”.

Then the light turned green and we both sped away.

Never did hear from the guy. So L.A. Whatever.

If you are over 35, I ask you, “Am I right?”  Give me a literal minute of your life and tell me what you would have said…

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