The Best Funny Stories and Jokes

Flavors

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Tue, 02 Jun 2020 04:00:00 +0000

The Russian couple's sex life was terrible, so they were quite excited when Moscow's first sex store opened up across the street.

"Olga, why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray I've read about?" said Ivan.

She agreed.

An hour later, she returned, all excited.

"You should see all the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..."

"What kind did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.

Farmer and His Wife

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Mon, 01 Jun 2020 04:00:00 +0000

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."

Warming Up

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Fri, 29 May 2020 04:00:00 +0000

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Warming up your dinner."

Blonde Waitress

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Thu, 28 May 2020 04:00:00 +0000

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Find the Andes

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Wed, 27 May 2020 04:00:00 +0000

A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Dad, where would I find the Andes?"

"Don't ask me," said the father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in the house."

Drummer

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Tue, 26 May 2020 04:00:00 +0000

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Running Away

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Mon, 25 May 2020 04:00:00 +0000

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.

"And what if you run out of money?" inquired the father.

"I will come home and get some," readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"

"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!"

Radical Feminist

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Fri, 22 May 2020 04:00:00 +0000

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

Haircut

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Mon, 18 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

Ear

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Sat, 16 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.

The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?"

The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.

The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!"

The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."

Envelope

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Thu, 14 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

A man commits suicide. In one of his pockets, the police find an envelope.

Inside the envelope is a note that reads: "What are you looking in here for?"

The Postman

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Mon, 11 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Deaf Mute

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Fri, 08 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

One day, a deaf mute walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five-pound note next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't make a bet..."

Two Little Squirrels

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Thu, 07 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute."

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."

He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

Horny Rooster

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Wed, 06 May 2020 18:19:00 +0000

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

Hunting Unicorns

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Tue, 05 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?"

Kurt answered, "I hunt unicorns."

Paul was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Kurt said, "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

Larry's Bar

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Mon, 04 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

Undersized Shoes

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Fri, 01 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having an affair with my best friend and my daughter is pregnant. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."

Happy Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 11:00:00 +0000

A woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Two Little Boys

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 11:00:00 +0000

Two little boys were arguing.

"My father is better than your father!"

"No he's not!"

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

Funny Face Masks

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 17:43:00 +0000

Funny Face Masks You Can Buy an Amazon.com

1. Sexy Lips

2. Funny Face #2

3. Monkey Face

Read more »

Charm Course

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 11:00:00 +0000

At one of the last all girl schools, the instructor in a 'Charm Course' was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you," she said.

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the big, dumb idiot is in the restaurant ordering his steak... don't wait any longer."

Perfume

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 11:00:00 +0000

The young man says to his date, "I really like the perfume you're wearing. What's it called?"

The young lady looks puzzled for a minute then searches through her purse, finally dumping the contents on the table between them. She searches through the pile and finally finds a small spray bottle.

She examines the label and announces, "Here it is... 'Unforgettable'."

Call Mother

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 12:00:00 +0000

Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.

For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

The Good Samaritan

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 12:00:00 +0000

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.

At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."