The Best Funny Stories and Jokes

Finger For a Blond

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:25:00 +0000

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"

Wife's Revenge

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:03:00 +0000

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Compliment

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:04:00 +0000

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband:
'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Fortune

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:55:00 +0000

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Husband's Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:40:00 +0000

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, 'Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had...'
And the woman replied, 'Yes, go on tell me.'
So the husband told her. 'I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.'
So the wife says, 'Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.'
The husband says, 'No, I am sure it was a dream'.

Dress For My Wife...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 18:01:00 +0000

"But why", demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, "did you break into the same store three nights running?"
"Well, Judge, it's like this," was the reply. "I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice."

Three Friends at the Bar

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:26:00 +0000

Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!"
The second confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."
The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you..."
"Don't be shy," the two friends said.
"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

Four Catholic Ladies...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:22:00 +0000

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".'
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is an Archbishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence".'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?' She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh, my God..."

The Lawyers' Sandwiches

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

The Secret of Mommies' Tummies

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:25:00 +0000

A little boy asked his father a question.
"Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.
After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust.
"You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

Intelligence

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:17:00 +0000

"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
"Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..."

Daddy's thing

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:15:00 +0000

A small girl suddenly sees her father coming out from the bathroom, and asks the mum.
"Mum, what is it the daddy has?"
"Well, my girl, it is such daddy's thing... If he hasn't it you couldn't be here, (pause), and me, perhaps, too."

Don't matter...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:25:00 +0000

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl", answered the youth.

"Don't matter", replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."

Coroner Report

Cannibal Trial

Mad Cow Disease

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:20:00 +0000

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about mad cow disease?"

The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

How to Make a Horse Work

Wake Up!

Holiday Shopping Spree

Mississippi

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:46:00 +0000

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

Experimental Psychology

The Last Glass of Whiskey

Sex on a Rocking Chair

Holyday Travel Deal

Dead Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Do People Really Come from Dust?

The Forced Delay

The Teacher's Future

Party's Surprise

Lesson on Good Manners

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:16:00 +0000

A teacher was giving her class of small children a lesson on good manners.

"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"

"I say 'excuse me'."

"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"

"Step on the other foot to get a second one."

Monster in the Wardrobe

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:13:00 +0000

A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."

"There's a what?"

"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."

So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.

"Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy."

Traffic Police Stops a Car...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:03:00 +0000

Traffic police stops a car.

Policeman: Have you drunk vodka today?

Driver: No.

Policeman: Breathe into the tube... Well, no alcohol is detected... Maybe the tube is broken… (breathes into the tube himself) No, it's working!

Something Minor

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 21:08:00 +0000

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

The Difference Between an Orchestra and a Bull

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 21:01:00 +0000

What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.

Lion and Gorilla

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 07:03:00 +0000

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"

After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.

Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.

The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent. The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.

A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"

From behind the paper the gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?"

Flabbergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"

Forty Years Later

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 17:38:00 +0000

Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed,spreads her legs...

Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.

She says, "What's the matter?"

He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now, now..."

"Now?" she asks.

"Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat me!"

Simon's Cat. Episod №3.

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 07:12:00 +0000

Wake Up!

Simon's Cat - 2. Let Me In.

How to Make a Horse Work

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:39:00 +0000

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Girl's Confession

3 Simple Tips to Keep Your Teeth Healthy

Zwei Gin Bitte!

Victoria and Her Secret

Blackberry Storm