The Best Funny Stories and Jokes

"I ran into a lawyer..."

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:08:00 +0000

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

The Severity of Her Deafness

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:06:00 +0000

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.

He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.

He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

What Can I Get for a Rib?

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:01:00 +0000

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

It Could Be Worse

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 17:58:00 +0000

A traveller came up to a fisherman. "Having any luck?" "Not so bad", the fisherman replied. "I haven't had a bite in three hours." "What's so good about that?", the traveller asked in surprise. "You see that guy over there? Well he hasn't had a bite in six hours."

Fisherman's Wife

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 17:56:00 +0000

Woman cleaning fish at sink to fisherman husband, "Why can't you be like other men? They never catch anything."

Bat's Nightmare

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:42:00 +0000

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps? Diarrhoea!

What Did a Bra Say to a Hat

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 07:21:00 +0000

What did a bra say to a hat? You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift!

Simon's Cat 'Fly Guy'

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:07:00 +0000

Watch more: Wake Up! Let Me In TV Dinner

Finger For a Blond

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:25:00 +0000

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"

Wife's Revenge

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:03:00 +0000

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Compliment

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:04:00 +0000

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Fortune

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:55:00 +0000

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Husband's Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:40:00 +0000

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, 'Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had...' And the woman replied, 'Yes, go on tell me.' So the husband told her. 'I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.' So the wife says, 'Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.' The husband says, 'No, I am sure it was a dream'.

Dress For My Wife...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 18:01:00 +0000

"But why", demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, "did you break into the same store three nights running?" "Well, Judge, it's like this," was the reply. "I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice."

Three Friends at the Bar

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:26:00 +0000

Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone. "Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!" The second confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife." The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you..." "Don't be shy," the two friends said. "Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

Four Catholic Ladies...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:22:00 +0000

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".' The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is an Archbishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".' The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence".' The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?' She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh, my God..."

The Lawyers' Sandwiches

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!' The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

The Secret of Mommies' Tummies

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:25:00 +0000

A little boy asked his father a question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently. After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust. "You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

Intelligence

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:17:00 +0000

"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..."

Daddy's thing

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:15:00 +0000

A small girl suddenly sees her father coming out from the bathroom, and asks the mum. "Mum, what is it the daddy has?" "Well, my girl, it is such daddy's thing... If he hasn't it you couldn't be here, (pause), and me, perhaps, too."

Don't matter...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:25:00 +0000

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl", answered the youth.

"Don't matter", replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."

Coroner Report

Cannibal Trial

Mad Cow Disease

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:20:00 +0000

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about mad cow disease?"

The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

How to Make a Horse Work

Wake Up!

Holiday Shopping Spree

Mississippi

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:46:00 +0000

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

Experimental Psychology

The Last Glass of Whiskey

Sex on a Rocking Chair

Holyday Travel Deal

Dead Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Do People Really Come from Dust?

The Forced Delay

The Teacher's Future

Party's Surprise

Lesson on Good Manners

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:16:00 +0000

A teacher was giving her class of small children a lesson on good manners.

"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"

"I say 'excuse me'."

"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"

"Step on the other foot to get a second one."