The Best Funny Stories and Jokes

Blow My Brains Out!

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:33:00 +0000

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The barkeeper approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son of a bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".

"Jesus Christ! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blowjob or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

Sure Way of Telling a Man's Age

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:22:00 +0000

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice...

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 18:46:00 +0000

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Earsplitting Yell

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:20:00 +0000

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell".

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?"

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

Be Direct!

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 13:43:00 +0000

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?"

She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"

Grandma Is Better

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:08:00 +0000

Little Johnny says to his mother "Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."

The mother replies back "Would you like Mommy to take you?".

Little Johnny says "No, let grandma... her hand shakes!"

Still Wrong?

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 23:41:00 +0000

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Identified!

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:10:00 +0000

The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for a rape suspect. When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy shouts, "That's her! That's her!"

Hunting Skill

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:01:00 +0000

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "Is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."

Brain Pills

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:11:00 +0000

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.

Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

Health Tips From a Doctor

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 16:53:00 +0000

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Half-sisters

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 07:44:00 +0000

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."

Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Choose Ex-teachers

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 11:15:00 +0000

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

Two Missionaries in Africa

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:34:00 +0000

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

How Much Does It Cost to Get Married?

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:38:00 +0000

A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Don't Question God

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:27:00 +0000

Don't question God, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come up.

Normal Procedure

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 11:00:00 +0000

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Why Don't Witches Wear Panties?

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 05:28:00 +0000

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

Just Don't Shoot!

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 11:50:00 +0000

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"

Sexual Education

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 06:04:00 +0000

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love...

He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

The Difference Between a Rotwieler and a Poodle

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 11:11:00 +0000

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?

If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

Good Shot!

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 09:21:00 +0000

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks "What's that mum?"

His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!" and little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the cunt!"

Is There a Doctor in the House?

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 09:17:00 +0000

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

"I ran into a lawyer..."

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:08:00 +0000

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

The Severity of Her Deafness

noreply@blogger.com (Tin Woodm@n) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:06:00 +0000

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.

He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.

He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"