Here are some funny one-liners – some seen, some new –

1) The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

2) Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

3) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

4) Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

5) An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

6) There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

7) They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry ?

My girlfriend asked me, “Do You believe in love at first sight”? I said, “At the first sight of what”?

9) Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive

10) One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

11) There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late

12) Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

The identification and definition of the seven deadly sins has been a fluid process since their history
The deadly sins aka cardinal sins are designated by the Holy Bible to educate & instruct the human race. These deadly sins do not belong to any category of sins but they are the origin of the other sins..
Its been said that a person who commit these sins ” shall not inherit the Kingdom Of God “.

But after a lot of lengthy negotiation with my thought mechanism i thought of reversing the roles of this sin in a positive aspect.

1) Envy (Envy the goodness in others and practice it ) :
Envy, a very natural feel and the highest form of jealousy. To appreciate someone, requires efforts but envy comes easily and instantly. Jealousy is the jaundice of the soul and a mental cancer. We always want to change places with people who are more happier & content than us. So why wait, we of course can be merrier if we start applying the goodness from others. When we strive for goodness God appears. If you want others to be happy practice goodness, if you want to be happy practice Goodness.

2) Pride ( Have pride in not compromising with your beliefs) :
Pride can be considered as a virtue or a vice and is a very complex secondary emotion. Philosophers consider it to be a virtue and religion consider it a sin.
Your beliefs make you a worthy person. We have high respect for individuals who stick on to their ethos under any circumstances. They refuse to compromise with the enormities and rise high.
Lets gather strength in not bargaining with our beliefs and crossing the passage of immorality with Pride making it an enormous part of our life.

3) Gluttony ( Eat your own harsh words ):
There’s an old saying don’t bite more than you can chew but the new saying is “There’s nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.”
Gluttony, excessive eating, a disorder in the human body,a psychological complication and one of the deadliest sin labeled by mankind and the holy Bible.
When compared with human terminology of civilized living i think we all should suffer from gluttony and eat more of our bitter words rather than spitting them out on people & demean them. Then Gluttony wouldn’t be tagged as a sin.The more you eat your trenchant words the less you will cause hurt to people.

4) Sloth ( Be real lazy when it comes to hurting someone’s feelings ) :
Extreme laziness is the other name for Sloth & indolence is a little classy name for laziness. But either of them dont sound fresh. Laziness never brought anyone fame & goodwill. Lazy people are always looked down with worthlessness & considered sluggish & slacky.
But let this particular sin be a part of u in a positive manner, like be the laziest individual created by God to hurt anyone’s sentiments, emotions & feelings. You will contribute to making someone’s life little more bearable if you adopt this theory.

5) Lust ( Be lusty for your ambitions,the strong desire for success ) :
They say love starts with image & lust starts with sensation. Lust is a monstrous thing. Administer lust like a driving force to reach your aspirations. Ambition is a lust that is never quenched, but grows more inflamed and madder by enjoyment.

6) Wrath ( Hold anger for the immoral activities around you & actively revolt against it ) :
Wrath is extreme anger,beyond it, is revenge. Anger poisons your own system & blows out the lamp of the mind, But when used for a good cause brings revolution. Lets fill our mind with wrath against anti social activities,against injustice against corruption, malpractices ,criminality, atrocities and anything which is morally wrong. This labeled sin can actually be a virtue if used for the righteous cause.

7) Greed ( Be the greediest person on earth for knowledge for self & society betterment) :
Greed is an inappropriate expectation & inordinate desire for anything.There is enough in the world for everyone’s need but not enough for everyone’s greed,except for knowledge. Knowledge about anything never goes waste,it always upgrades a man’s intellect & caliber. Greed plays a vital role in achieving success, but for betterment & advancement of self & of the society,otherwise it collapses your senses & damages your worthiness and respect.

Envy, Pride, Gluttony, Sloth, Lust,Wrath & Greed when practiced in good faith & for the honourable cause change the whole meaning of the word.
Its always said ” Anything’s possible in Good Faith “.

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.

He passed the first interview, the director did the last interview, made the last decision.

The director discovered from the CV that the youth’s academic achievements were excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score good grades.

The director asked, “Did you obtain any scholarships in school?” the youth answered “None.”

The director asked, “Was it your father who paid for your school fees?” The youth answered, “My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.” The director asked, “Where did your mother work?” The youth answered, “My mother worked as clothes cleaner.” The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.

The director asked, “Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?”

The youth answered, “Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.”

The director said, “I have a request. When you go back today, go and clean your mother’s hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.”

The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the kid.

The youth cleaned his mother’s hands slowly.

His tear fell as he did that.

It was the first time he noticed that his mother’s hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.

This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee. The bruises in the mother’s hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.

After finishing the cleaning of his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.

That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

Next morning, the youth went to the director’s office.

The Director noticed the tears in the youth’s eyes, asked: “Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?”

The youth answered, “I cleaned my mother’s hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes.”

The Director asked, “Please tell me your feelings.”

The youth said,

Number 1 –  I know now what is appreciation. Without my mother, there would not be the successful me today.

Number 2 –  by working together and helping my mother, only I now realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done.

Number 3 –  I have come to appreciate the importance and value of family relationship.

The director said, “This is what I am looking for to be my manager.”

I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired.

Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and as a team. The company’s performance improved tremendously.

A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop “entitlement mentality” and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent’s efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement. He will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying the kid instead?

You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your kid learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.

FORWARD ON TO PEOPLE THAT YOU THINK THAT WOULD GET A CHANCE TO KNOW ABOUT THEM BY THIS…!

January 01 – 09 ~ Bird
January 10 – 24 ~ Slug
January 25 – 31 ~ Cockroach
February 01 – 05 ~ Parasite
February 06 – 14 ~ Bullfrog
February 15 – 21 ~ Skunk
February 22 – 28 ~ Snake
March 01 – 12 ~ Ape
March 13 – 15 ~ Cockroach
March 16 – 23 ~ Slug
March 24 – 31 ~ Parasite
April 01 – 03 ~ Bird
April 04 – 14 ~ Snake
April 15 – 26 ~ Slug
April 27 – 30 ~ Skunk
May 01 – 13 ~ Slug
May 14 – 21 ~ Bullfrog
May 22 – 31 ~ Cockroach
June 01 – 03 ~ Slug
June 04 – 14 ~ Skunk
June 15 – 20 ~ Bird
June 21 – 24 ~ Ape
June 25 – 30 ~ Parasite
July 01 – 09 ~ Slug
July 10 – 15 ~ Bird
July 16 – 26 ~ Bullfrog
July 27 – 31 ~ Parasite
August 01 – 15 ~ Ape
August 16 – 25 ~ Slug
August 26 – 31 ~ Skunk
September 01 – 14 ~ Bullfrog
September 15 – 27 ~ Parasite
September 28 – 30 ~ Bird
October 01 – 15 ~ Ape
October 16 – 27 ~ Skunk
October 28 – 31 ~ Snake
November 01 – 16 ~ Cockroach
November 17 – 30 ~ Parasite
December 01 – 16 ~ Bird
December 17 – 25 ~ Ape
December 26 – 31 ~ Bullfrog

If you are a Bird: A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of th em being quality-personified.

If you are a Slug : Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together’s. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a Cockroach : Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person.. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight.. An outdoor person, you disl ike sitting at one place for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well… Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful…..

If you are a Parasite : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you’re cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You’re a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don’t like talking muc h to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Skunk : You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn’t like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one’s back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a Bullfrog : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware; it is easy for you to fall in love….

If you are a Snake : You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If you are a Ape : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the centre of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!

1 Egg, & 2 Mobiles
65 minutes of connection between mobiles.
We assembled something as per image:

Initiated the call between the two mobiles and allowed 65 minutes approximately. ..
During the first 15 minutes nothing happened;
25 minutes later the egg started getting hot;
45 minutes later the egg is hot;
65 minutes later the egg is cooked.

Conclusion: The immediate radiation of the mobiles has the potential to modify the proteins of the egg. Imagine what it can do with the proteins of your brains when you do long calls.

Please try to reduce long time calls on mobile phones and pass this mail to all your friends & Family you care for.

Live life to the fullest. True and honest, begin with
yourself and extend it to others. Use your words wisely.
Words have power and create influence,
do not spread them carelessly. Negative words
create negative energy and repel those
around you. Live in the positive.

Leave your ‘stamp’ on everything you do.
Make yourself an icon to be admired
and respected. Become an inspiration
to others-so think carefully before you
speak and act. Every action, every word
carries a consequence. Create a genuineness
about you that is addictive to all
those who meet you.

And finally, leave a mark on those you
meet that couldn’t have been left if you
weren’t in their lives.

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.   

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.  

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.  

Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with   zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that… a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby – if given 9 Months !!!

AT 120 DEGREES IN AUSTRALIA , IT WAS SO HOT FOR A WEEK

THAT KOALAS WERE ASKING PEOPLE FOR WATER . IT’S NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE.

“Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.”